Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

By Sean Carless
(posted originally in Summer 2004)
 
Not a day goes past where there isn't someone, somewhere inevitably asking: "Where's The Ultimate Warrior, and when is he coming back?" However, what most don't realize is that even though the enigmatic Warrior has seemingly walked away from sports entertainment, his presence is still felt all around the world. You see, since his self imposed retirement from Wrestling, Warrior has chosen to spend the bulk of his free time walking the Earth, dispensing Destrucity like it was beer to an Irishman, to all those who cared to listen; spreading his message abroad, and often, righting many wrongs that may fall before him. Many of these tales and adventures have been housed in an ultra-secret novel known as "The Book of Warrior", in which Warrior's disciples (Not Ed Lesley) have kept meticulous records of their messiah, in journal form.
 
These individual tales are known as "The Chronicles of Warrior", and luckily for us, we here at The Wrestling Fan.com have been privy to this information, and will start to reveal some of these previously unknown journal entries.
 
Join us now as we reveal but one of these stories:
 

WAR(rior) OF THE WORLDS!

 

Recently, the United States celebrated Independence Day as it always does, but what most don’t realize, is that the world as they know it almost ended, if not for the selfless actions of one man. That man? WARRIOR.

 

Unfortunately, although an attempted global genocide was prevented, the events that transpired on the day, and the destruction that was laid in its wake were  subsequently and inexplicably covered up by our respective governments, so to not panic the masses. Thankfully though, the truth could not be suppressed for long, and thanks to a chapter from the vaunted “Book of Warrior”, it will now be revealed!:

 

Apparently, for many years, Earth has been targeted for destruction from a ferocious, inhuman threat, who’s plan was to systematically eliminate our citizens and in turn plunder our planet for their ungodly purposes. When pressed for comments on the matter, one Vince McMahon reputedly stepped forward and said " You mean there's more than one of us out there?". Strange indeed.

 

Anyway, finally, after much deliberation and planning, the Alien threat launched a full fledged strike on our nation’s capital, decimating the white house and deploying fearsome creatures onto the now panicked city streets to round up all humans for extermination!

 

Luckily though, as it turns out, during much of the carnage, George Bush and much of his cabinet were not in the white house that day, as all were aboard Air Force 1, being entertained by the president’s patented (albeit simplistic) shadow puppetry. The group was then about to partake in a game of Operation, if only to satisfy George's curiosity to see how the human body *really* works (no one had the heart to tell him we don't all contain huge oblong monkey wrenches in our anatomy) when the tragic news came down the wire: WASHINGTON D.C. HAD BEEN DESTROYED!

It was a tense several minutes, with the tension only broken up temporarily by W. performing some arm-pit farting sounds. After he was reprimanded by V.P. Dick Cheney, then shot in the face *accidentally*, the topic turned to how they would battle this threat.

 

You see, as powerful as their armed forces were, they would be no match for the technologically superior enemy they’d face, and as far as they knew, there was no oil to be gained by even confronting this threat. Soon, talk of deploying nuclear missiles came up, but thankfully, someone's better sense prevailed, and that person stood up and made a new suggestion: THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!

 

And why not? After all, why stage an all out nuclear assault when you have a former WWF Champion at your beck and call? It just made sense. And Warrior at least worked cheaper than billions on planes and missiles. Somewhat.

 

Soon a phone call was placed to Warrior’s super secret “Castle of Destrucity” deep in “Parts Unknown (Scottsdale Arizona), hand picked by The Warrior for its dry heat which is more conducive to the former WWF’s champion’s somewhat unpredictable sinuses.

As he was being briefed on the mission, which was apropos, since he himself wears them in all walks of life, Warrior was overjoyed at the prospect of putting “aliens” in their place; only to later to find out that they were in fact extra-terrestrials and not border jumping illegal immigrants as he had hoped. Evil Pinko Mexicans and their destruction would have to wait, it'd seem. Because Warrior had a NEW Mission.

After all, Warrior had yet to face a challenge he couldn’t overcome and relished at the opportunity to drive the enemy back to their home worlds, even if it didn’t involve propelling terrified Mexicans back over the border in the dead of night with the awesome will of Destrucity alone.

Warrior then began his trek to the nation’s capital, but unfortunately, he traveled by foot , opting to run two thirds of the country, and sadly, by the time he reached his destination, Washington D.C. and most of Maryland was annihilated. But it at least looked cool.

Regardless, Warrior was still ready for a fight, and after leading many survivors to shelter, Warrior commandeered one of the gathering creatures and harnessed the great beast, beginning to ride him much like he would back in the 1980’s WWF dressing room with Andre The Giant…(much to the chagrin of the mighty Frenchmen who seemed more interested in finishing his game of Gin-Rummy with the boys than playing “noble steed” to the apparently deranged painted man clung to his back like a spider-monkey.).

Warrior in turn rode the creature, and subsequently drove the rest back to their ships where the threat retreated, likely in hopes of regrouping and beginning a second assault.Many began cheering, not realizing that all this time, salvation was one pair of neon green underoos away…

However, not one to rest on his laurels, Warrior decided the best course of action would be to take the fight to the aliens themselves, on their own planet!

The Government agreed, but stated that they had not the time, nor the technology to create such a craft capable of traveling to their world.

Fortunately though for the U.S. government, when he’s not dispensing “Warrior-wisdom” to the unwashed masses, Warrior’s been fashioning his own intricately designed star ship in which he can travel the cosmos at break-neck speed. It was reputedly built by the Skeletons that made the supreme sacrifices. After all, what else is there for them to do?

Originally, the device was created to thwart the swarms of illegal immigrants floating around Miami’s harbor in rubber dinghy’s. However, luckily for humankind, Warrior decided that on this day, saving the Earth from a possible Alien holocaust would take precedent over disintegrating Cuban exiles. But if he made good time (although he prefers to only work upwards of sixty seconds at a time) he'd try to fit in both.

And although one might wonder where a simple body builder would get the uncanny knowledge and skill to design this device capable of bending time and space, what they don’t know is that when you adopt “Destrucity” as your life mantra, ANYTHING is possible, my friend. Except Coherency.

With that said, Warrior retrieved the craft and strapped himself in, only taking a moment to slip a tape of his WWF theme music into the make-shift tape deck carelessly carved into the ship’s dashboard. As the drums blared, Warrior blasted off into the deep reaches of space.

As he exited this world, bound for the next, he achieved light speed, before finally settling on “Warrior” speed, which was basically “light speed” only with a really cool name. WARRIAH.

From there, Warrior entered the Alien threat’s strange world, ready for whatever battle lay before him.

However, despite racing off to a strange galaxy in pursuit of these Alien invaders, most would be surprised to learn that Warrior’s original intention was NOT to eradicate the extra-terrestrial menace, but to instead assimilate himself into their culture and hopefully help them form a responsible conservative government. But alas, Warrior’s cries fell on deaf ears as the creatures only interest seemed to be in devouring the face painted musclemen and conquering his people…ignoring his plight of a harmonized sales tax totally and instead adopting a more socialistic attitude that included more public spending, higher taxes and *GULP*, a fully funded welfare system! This of course only infuriated Warrior that much more….

Warrior threw up his hands, seeing the writing on the wall, but not before having a pretty decent conversation with said hands--they really hadn't talked much since Wrestlemania 7, when he decided to attack the aliens head on, before the threat of full fledged communism engulfed their whole society! And you thought the Russians were a threat! In 1985. But don't tell Vince.

As the aliens began to circle, Warrior had no fear, as after all, this was the same man who stared the Red and Yellow of Hulkamania in the eye… and lived to tell the tale! And let’s face facts, compared to that massive endeavor , fighting several thousand predatory life forms would pose little challenge. I mean, Hulk Hogan being pinned? Come on. A full on interstellar assault on one man is NOTHING compared to that feat. Hulk Hogan may have asked us to write that part.

The Aliens soon began to swarm in closer, biting and gnashing, but like many before them, they ultimately fell prey to the UNSTOPPABLE Warrior offense. Clotheslines were thrown, tackles were landed, and about 10,000 big splashes later, it was all over. Dave Meltzer gave it ** 1/2.

Warrior, bruised, but not beaten, then triumphantly stood atop the broken carcasses proclaiming ULTIMATE victory! It just sounded like Gargghpmhhphhh! I could see how confusion could abound.

Anyway, as a precautionary measure to avoid anymore possible invasions, and because he found out that the Democratic candidate was gaining serious ground in the Planet' gubernational elections, Warrior chose to destroy the planet’s reactor, bouncing on the spot for several seconds before throwing a thunderous Warrior-tackle that shattered its core and obliterated the planet altogether!

Unfortunately though, Warrior didn’t realize that causing a super nova…while STILL on the planet might not be the best course of action, and was propelled through space along with the debris of the aliens now former-home world. He still didn't sell it though. Radiation? Bah. Once you survive a voodoo curse, no amount of puking is going to faze you.

After the blast, Warrior found himself continuously cascading throughout the cold reaches of space…and all while only wearing a tiny pair of snug trunks! And why not? If Pants aren't good enough for Warrior on EARTH, by god, he's not going to give in to this retched Taboo on some god-forsaken Alien solar system.

It was at this point we lost contact with Warrior. Maybe it was for the best. He stopped making sense about 15 seconds in. 

Anyway, it has been rumored that Warrior eventually found his way into Earth’s atmosphere, only to burn up upon re-entry…. However, I choose not to believe this. And basic common-sense supports my theory. Because, after all, if a man can survive the devastating effects of SEVEN Randy Savage flying elbow drops…  then what’s a little one million degree Fahrenheit atmospheric pressure? You want Pressure? Try carrying Nailz to a credible match...

With that said, to commemorate Warrior and his selfless sacrifice, president Bush secretly opted to rename the U.S. in his honor, by rechristening the country: “One Warrior Nation”; however, upon further reflection, it was decided it was far too stupid to ever get over. I mean, who'd invest time and money into such a ridiculous concept? Brutus Beefcake seemed excited though...

In closing, wherever Warrior is, we owe him a debt of gratitude. And probably more money. Because if not for he and his selfless Destrucity, we may not have been here to tell the tale. Then translate it into grunts and nonexistent language that only he understands.

The Destrucity will continue!……………….

 Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

 

Send Feedback to Sean Carless  

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).