WHY TELEVISION SUCKS

By Remy

Television does suck, face it. The glory days of yore are long gone. These days it seems passé as computers have taken over as the primary entertainment device in most households. I mean, you can’t exactly get Indian midget clown porn 24/7 with a television. I assume you can on the internet. I’ve never actually searched for that … I swear.

And aside from being inconvenient (commercials and fixed air-dates) television has also proved that it appeals only to the lowest common denominator. That is, television LOVES stupid fucking people. Great shows have suffered because the idiots of the world can’t understand them, and this very much includes the television executives who are like drug dealers: pretty much as stupid as their customers.

Shows like Battlestar Galactica have been suffering lately, and I seriously worry that it will go the way of Firefly before too long. But what comes about to replace the shows that intelligent people love?

Well, here is a sample of some of the new shows you can expect to see on your television in the near future.

First up is a spin-off from the hit TV show Lost:

LOSTER

This show promises to be even vaguer and even more mysterious. You won’t even find out who the main character is until the final episode of the first season! Until then, it will just be shot after shot of a beach where nothing happens. How is it different from Lost, you ask? Well, why change a winning formula, right?

Preview:

*silence*

*silence*

*twig cracks*

*silence*

*Cue dramatic music.

LAW AND ORDER: SUV

Not to be confused with SVU, this L&O will solely focus on crimes committed by soccer mom’s driving their SUV’s to the grocery store.

Preview:

Darlene: These cell phones are so handy! I can catch up on Desperate Housewives and exchange recipes with you while I drive places.

Betty: Yes, and we can discuss our periods and talk about how much we hate men!

Darlene: Absolutely. In fact, I’ve got my period right now and it is so darn inconvenient. It really throws a … OH DEAR GOD, THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!

Betty: Jesus, Darlene, did you forget your tampons?

Darlene: No, I just hit some kid.

*Cue dramatic intro.

WWE’S GARDENING EXTRAVAGANZA

Your hosts will be HHH and Undertaker: two men who are extremely experienced in the art of burying. They don’t know shit about flowers, but you will have the nicest looking dirt patch on the block! You will also find out if careers grow after being buried.

This show is sure to provide tons of debate about how awful the hosts are, even years after the show has been cancelled (likely after the first episode). No matter what they do afterwards, the stigma of this show will remain with them always. Do I smell ratings? No, no … that’s just a mid-carder rotting in the garden (Go Cliché Go).

Preview:

HHH: Here’s a great gardening tip for all you aspiring gardeners out there: daffodils are overrated. Personally, I don’t think they’re ready to main event at the Garden. It’s best to bury them extra deep so that the seeds can never take root properly.

Undertaker: Reeeeeest iiiiiiiin peeeeeeeeeeeeeace, daffodils!

SUBWAY RESTROOM:NEW YORK

Taking reality TV to new levels, this show will be a series of highlights from a camera that’s been placed in the restroom of a New York City subway. Watch with delight (or pure terror, you choose) as junkies shoot up with heroin and random John’s sneak hookers in for a quickie.

Also enjoy bonus features on this show’s website like a counter that records the number of times that Joe Merrick brings in a male prostitute to defecate on his chest. Okay, in fairness, Joe lives in the UK, so this will never happen … at least until SUBWAY RESTROOM: LONDON is introduced as a spin-off in two to three years.

Preview:

*Clip removed due to inappropriate content*

Thank God.

GENERIC TOUGH GUY BEING TOUGH SHOW

Starring Kevin Sorbo, this yet-to-be-named series will tackle the tough issues of contemporary society. Sorbo’s complex and conflicted character will deal with issues such as abortion, abusive priests, First Nation’s land claims, and other hot political issues!

Naturally, Sorbo will deal with these issues using HIS FISTS.

This just in: The show will now be tentatively titled God Warrior and will feature Sorbo as a modern day crusader who fights sin … with HIS FISTS. Watch with joy as he cracks Spider-man-like witty one-liners as he beats up on the sinners!

Preview:

Sorbo: I am here to fight for justice while re-building a lost empire and fighting against the tyranny of Zeus, that pagan bastard.

Old Lady: That’s nice young man. I’m out buying apples to make my delicious home-baked apple pie. If you help me carry my groceries I will give you a nice big slice.

Sorbo: Heathen scum! Don’t you know apples are the forbidden fruit? Everyone knows that even though the Bible does not ever directly state that or even indirectly imply it. Feel the wrath of my FIST in your sunken, devilish eye socket!

Old Lady: Oh deary, heaven help me …

Sorbo: You say you’re an old lady who loves to bake pies? Well I say you’re an old lady and you’re A BASTARD.

*alternate take*

Sorbo: Heaven help you? Oh Heaven will help you … help you go TO HELL! 

Yup, television sucks.

So, that’s it for now, but I’m sure there will be more horrible shows in production soon. And when that happens, I’ll be back to give you the inside scoop.

In the meantime, be sure to stop by the forums and leave feedback, or e-mail me. Also check out the rest of the great content on the main page, it’s well worth your time. Take care, and as always, I remain,

Remy