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For the week of March 16, 2008 To read last week’s edition of WEI, Click HERE!

The WEI is a weekly look at the events that have made an impact, both positive and negative, on the world of oiled up, hairless men that pretend to hit each other that we all so love to watch. The range goes from 0-100 with 0 being a world in which every PPV is like Heroes of Wrestling while a perfect score of 100 would be wrestling nirvana.

Remember, all links in WEI open up in a new browser window. So feel free to check stuff out, we'll be here when you get back!

Matt Hardy's CRYPTIC BLOG drama: First let me say this. No one is a bigger fan of Matt Hardy than me. I've been a super-mark for the Hardy Boyz since Omega and still think they don't get anywhere near the respect that they should for bringing in fans during the Attitude Era, as you've all read me rail about in the past. The Rock and Austin are certainly deserving of praise, but the Hardys should be mentioned in the same breath, and they had to do it while being booked like idiots for most of the entire time. Ok, all that said, Matt can come across as kind of a goof once he starts going online. Everyone remembers the whole thing with Lita and Edge, which went from shoot comments to a combination of work/shoot while he was working his way back to the WWE. His most recent weirdness came after posting a self proclaimed CRYPTIC MESSAGE on his MySpace page where he talked about two people close to him, a male and a woman, both going through troubles. Now the definition of "cryptic" means you have a hidden message, a message in which any sane person would think you are inviting others to speculate on.

Not Matt Hardy though. If you read his blog now it has been updated where he takes members of the IWC (Internet Wrestling Community" to task for having the temerity to speculate on what he wrote and also has the wonderful line of, "Cryptic blogs are one of my different blogging styles." I don't even want to know the other styles he has as they all can be filed under the category of 100% batshit insane . Matt's still my boy, but stuff like this is hard to defend. He claims he wasn't talking about his brother Jeff or his former girlfriend Ashley, but instead two other people he's close to in his life. To paraphrase one of my favorite movies 12 Angry Men, it's possible… but not very probable. WEI Score:- 4

Jeff Hardy's life becomes a country song: Speaking of the Hardys, even people who hate Jeff have got to be feeling for him this week as we found out earlier in the week he was suspended for 60 days, right before he was about to receive a probable big win at WrestleMania. The Money in the Bank win would have been a huge reward to someone who has been red hot and also had fantastic matches with Chris Jericho on Raw. Unfortunately after the suspension, his house burned down, destroying all his stuff and killing his dog. Clearly Jeff has been battling "demons" for a long time, and that was just normal life. I can't imagine what it is like to lose all your stuff in a fire, not to mention your dog (I have two dogs), and be predisposed to drugs. On top of it all, now that Jeff has two strikes against him on the WWE Three Strikes rule, how can they possible give him any sort of a push when he comes back without fear that he could be fired at any moment for failing a drug test? There's just no good news here at all. WEI Score: - 5

***That link above with Hardys house burning story was from Jim Ross' blog. I spent some time searching around ol' JR's site and I couldn't believe all the stuff he has for sale. Chipotle ketchup, jalapeņo mustard and other products along with goofy t-shirts. I actually ordered a bottle of JR's BBQ sauce off of WWE.com way back in the day, the one that came with a mini cowboy hat for the bottle, and I still have it sitting on my desk. I'd actually like to try out that chipotle ketchup and jalapeņo mustard, as they sound pretty good, but I could do without wearing a JR's BIG NUTS shirt. Although maybe I could find someone who wears that old APA Always Pounding Ass shirt and we could go to WrestleMania to be a part of some homosexual fashion show extravaganza. That has to be more entertaining than ROH's Jai-Alai event, right?

***TMZ had a story this week featuring TNA's own Jonny Fairplay and Mike "Boogie" Malin going hoggin'. I've already told you how much I love the TMZ TV show, with it's opening meeting that is more worked than anything in wrestling, and their website is kinda growing on me, especially considering they have no problem calling Fairplay a "media whore" and "douchebag" in print. I don't know who Mike Malin is, but he's way farther down the douche ladder considering he doesn't sport a haircut only worn by 18 year old kids like Fairplay does. Hoggin' is the worked sport of trying to hook up with the fattest chick. It doesn't exist anywhere outside of Fairplay's attention-starved mind, but at least you have an explanation.

***Last week I plugged the funniest podcast going that just so happens to parody TNA. Made by the guys at PWTorture, the episodes are less than ten minutes long and will have anyone who has watched an episode of Impact rolling. If you missed it, you can download Episode One on MediaFire or MegaUpload. Episode Two can now be downloaded at MediaFire and MegaUpload as well. I probably look forward to these more than anything else during the week. A bravura performance by the Corey Baird Players.

New Gimmick Table on WrestleCrap: It's been a while, but there is a new edition of the Gimmick Table up on WrestleCrap.com. This time we spotlight new shirts from TNA based on successful WWE shirts. This is your chance to see the latest shirts for Vince Russo, Junior Fatu, the TNA Announcing Team, the TNA Booking Team, and of course, the red hot Velvet Sky. Full disclosure: I write the Gimmick Table while Sean Carless does the top-notch art, so we'll give this one a huge plus just because we can. WEI Score: + 12

Sean Carless' new website goes LIVE: Sean Carless has his new website, appropriately titled Sean Carless dot com , which you should immediately add to your "favorites." Sean also went into the vault and reviewed WrestleMania 2 , which needs to be read in order to pay respect to anyone who would voluntarily watch that horrible Mr. T/Roddy Piper boxing match. WEI Score: + 1

***Can you tell me why this girl isn't on the Olympic team? If anything could get me to watch polevaulting, it would be her. Get on that NBC.

***If you're a fan of wrestling news video audio form, than be sure to check out Jason Power over at Dot Net. Crystal clear quality, which is always an asset in podcasting.

Brooke Hogan near meltdown: A great week on MySpace as we already saw the Matt Hardy insanity, and then later Brooke Hogan went hoss on her former BFF Chrstiane Plante, who has allegedly slept with her father Hulk Hogan. "I think she shoulda thought about what kinds press she was gonna get when she slept with her best friend's famous father. I think we're all seeing just exactly how karma works Christiane. Nothing you say will ever put my family back together." Brooke's rambling blog has since been taken down, but it's clear she's getting ready to have a nervous breakdown, which is actually right in line with the Britney Business Model that the Hulkster had for her. I don't really feel sorry for anyone in the Hogan family, but I can imagine she's going through a stressful time. Her music career was D.O.A. Her brother killed someone through reckless driving. Her parents are getting a divorce. Pretty heavy stuff, although I'm probably the one who is going to go out of my mind having to watch Brooke Knows Best on VH1. There's nothing like watching a hot-girl-who's-not-that-hot trying to convince people she's talented when she's not. At least it's better than a Linda Hogan reality show though, oh god, I hope I didn't plant a seed in someone's head… WEI Score: - 2

Hogan's told by Graziano family to, "SCRAM!": I have a friend who lives over near St. Petersburg, Florida, who I've visited several times and you can imagine how sick he is of the Nick Bollea story since the Hogan's get so much local attention. The latest story was the family of John Graziano, the kid severely hurt in Nick's car accident, telling the Hogan's to stop using the hospital as a publicity stunt. Of course, the Hogan's are shocked, shocked at this allegation. Welcome to wrestling. WEI Score: - 2

Vince McMahon joins Big Bird, Britney Spears, and Mel Gibson on the Hollywood Walk of Fame: A big week for wrestling's number one promoter as he was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. "I’m not really so sure what this award means," McMahon said. "It’s a star. I already know I’m a star. I’m the biggest star in the whole planet." Although it's a pretty neat deal, the specifics of getting a star reveal it's really not all that much. All you need is a $25,000 check to the Walk of Fame "trust" and a guarantee that the person getting the star will make an appearance. That's it. Still, it's pretty neat. WEI Score: + 2

***Country Music Television, the station which brought us Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding, is going to air Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Wrestling this fall. The Bisch and Jason Hervey are exec producers and there is a casting call out right now for all the celebs who are down on their luck. This certainly has to be right above the Celebrity Rehab show for an agent trying to pitch it to their clients.

MTV's "Made" spotlights gay wrestler: I don't watch MTV at all anymore, but I was alerted to a recent show they aired in which a kid was trained by Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin to become a wrestler. The show is called "Made" and here it is to watch on MTV's website, which is great because they don't force you to watch commercials. The kid in question is a 14 year old high school student who is openly gay and from an extremely rich family. It's a fun show as Shelley and Sabin take the kid down to Orlando to see a TNA PPV and also let some of the other guys train him. The best part of the entire show is the one minute Senshi has on screen as he puts the kid through his paces. It's absolutely wonderful. The kid does it all, from cleaning up under the ring, to learning how to take a chop. He actually gets to be a part of a six man match with Shelley and Sabin back in Michigan. Great show you need to watch as Sabin and Shelley come across very well. WEI Score: + 8

***If you are a fan of wrestling blogs, check out The Swerved. Funny stuff as Stephen Rivera really has the chops to produce good comedy. You know I wouldn't steer you wrong.

***This just in, Teddy Hart: still insane.

***Cracked.com, which last year worked with WrestleCrap on an article, recently asked their website readers to develop flow charts for villians. They count down the top 20 and there are some true gems in there including the last two spotlighting Hitler and George Lucas. Fantastic stuff you need to check out. And you can also check out this Triple H flow chart I did back in the day.

The newest Heyman Hustle is up: It features a "take" on the Sarah Silverman "I'm f*cking Matt Damon" video with NBA star Jason Kidd's soon to be ex-wife. So far it ranks pretty low on the list of parodies I've seen of that video, if not at the very bottom of the list. The rest of the video is spent with alleged rock "star" Cisco Adler. Cisco got into some trouble a while back when Paris Hilton's phone was hacked into and it featured, among other things, naked pictures of him. As you can imagine, that didn't go over well with Adler's g/f at the time, The OC's Mischa Barton. Overall a pretty dumb interview and that makes us what, 0-4 on Heyman Hustles? Check it out yourself by clicking here.

Much more interesting is this article by Heyman talking about him buying the Maria Playboy issue and telling a story about Maria in Ohio Valley Wrestling. These written articles are about a million times more entertaining than his "revolutionary" Hustle videos. WEI Score: - 2

Kurt Angle gives insane interview: I've repeatedly asked how the UK's Sun gets the most insane amount of access to both WWE and TNA. I just don't understand it at all. Anyway, this week the Sun had a very intriguing interview with Kurt Angle in which Angle claims he was told by Chris Benoit over a year before the murders that Benoit was close to snapping. Kurt said that Benoit told him, "Listen, I’m ready to snap.’ And I could see it in his face, it wasn’t like a normal: I’m ready to snap, I’m really run down.’ He was like looking at me real intense like he was going to kill me." After saying that Benoit was run ragged by WWE, Angle then defended McMahon by saying he wasn't responsible for anything that happened. I think Kurt Angle and Gabe Sapolsky should get together and write a book.

Angle also took some shots at Triple H while adding that he was spoken to about being to "rough" with Shawn Michaels. Any interview with Kurt Angle is a great one, although at this point he is like the Iron Sheik or Hulk Hogan in that who knows exactly what is the truth and what is just an insane rambling. WEI Score: + 1

Wrestling Vixens: The New Era: Oh man, this is ONE HELL OF A DVD. Shot in Tampa, Florida, and why they mention that I have no idea, this new version of Wrestling Vixens spotlights ROH's Lacey, Daffney (formerly of WCW), and TNA's SoCalVal, ODB, Peyton Banks, and Velvet Sky. What you get is a series of photo shoots with the girls dressed up in either hot as hell outfits (such as Sky's "Supergirl" dealie, which you can see at the bottom of this page), bikinis, or lingerie. In between the photo shoots are candid discussions with the girls, which is interesting, but let's face, most people are going to be fast forwarding to the next hot shoot. I'll admit that I wasn't all that in to ODB's stuff - and with that husky voice she actually reminded me of that infamous "Sammi" skit with Mark Henry back in the day – but the rest are all top notch. I'm not a fan of SoCalVal at all, and still think her face is a little "off" (I don't know how to explain it better), but her shoots here are pretty good. The stuff with Sky and Lacey make this possibly the greatest wrestling DVD ever made. Think I'm kidding? It's so good there is no way in hell I can watch it around my g/f, she'd kill me.
Get. It. Now.

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What exactly is FIVE THINGS…? Well, even though it's pretty damn self-explanatory, it's like this: we are going to scour the Internets looking for all the IWC superstars that you have enjoyed reading over the years and find out some things that almost nobody knows about them. For example, we all know Dave Meltzer likes smooshing a banana into a woman's head, but did you know that Dave's favorite dinosaur is a stegosaurus? It probably isn't, as I just made that up and it's doubtful that Robot Dave has watched anything that didn't involve hairless men hitting each other in over two decades, but it certainly would be a neat little insight into his world, wouldn't it?

This week's guest for FIVE THINGS is Sean Carless. You've all seen and loved Sean's photoshops, which have littered WEI since the beginning. Carless runs his own website entitled The Wrestling Fan dot com which has one of the greatest roster of writers you'll see anywhere. Justin Shapiro. Harry Simon. Joe Merrick. Just a ton of great writers contribute and to top it off you have Carless himself with his award winning Back Leg Front Kick, and Satires, not to mention his hilarious "recapitations" of many wresting events. Sean is also my conspirator in crime for the weekly monthly bi-monthly whenever the hell we decide to do it Gimmick Table over at WrestleCrap, which is probably the thing I am most proud of in my wrestling auteur career. Without further ado, here are FIVE THINGS you didn’t know about Sean Carless, straight from Sean himself:

1. Thanks to Derek, my hetero-sexual life-mate in satire, for this chance to let you know a little bit about myself. Or Sean, as I call me. I wasn't talking to myself for a while there, but we've once again became close. So, if I'm reading this, thank you for being a friend. Traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant. And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see, the biggest gift would be from me , and the card attached would say, thank you for being a friend. I've now segued into the Golden Girls theme song. And you're a better person for having heard it. Trust me.

Anyway, as per Derek's mandate, I must now try and think of some cool facts about myself. Facts like how I do a pretty great Randy Savage impression, and how, by proxy, it should be*I* that is X-Division Champion, and not Jay Lethal. But I'm not going to say that, even though I just did.

However, I guess I'll start with a formal introduction. For those of you who don't know me, you should, because chances are, you've stolen one of my pictures for your message-board sig. Your time of convincing the world that it was you who thought it'd be pretty hilarious to create a picture of Vince McMahon being raped by Pandas is over. The jig is up, mister. Seriously. Stop dancing. You look foolish.

Anyway, with that in mind, I guess you could say that's my claim to fame. I've churned out more original wrestling Photoshop's in the last few years than anyone in the history of everything important like wrestling Photoshop's. I've created some 7000, in fact. Chances are, if you've seen a wrestler doing something unnatural in a photograph, and thought, "Ok, what the hell", it was probably created by me. Or James Guttman. But hey, whatever. My work has been read anywhere and everywhere. From Live Audio Wrestling to 411Mania to Wrestlecrap, to my own Frankenstein monster of a website, The Wrestling Fan.com, which has become Google's number one website for "Wrestling Satire". And why would The Google lie? He's always been on the up and up with me.

That all said, I have in the last five years amassed a cult following comparable to Jesus. Aguilera, that is. I'm as big as that guy. You remember, Carlito's bodyguard? The guy who wore banana-colored pants pulled up to his nipples? To this day, my Grandfather is the only other dude I've ever seen pull off that look.

So, ya, check out my patented (I registered them and the phonograph in the latter 1800's under my alias "Thomas Edison") Wrestling Satires, horribly offensive Back-Leg Frontkick columns, and Recapitations, which are my own unique stream of consciousness take on WWE Pay-per-views. In actuality, it's just me going off on strange insane mid-match analogies and calling maybe 4 moves total. Truth is, I'm probably the worst recapper ever. But thus far, no one's noticed. Thank God.

(Hey, let's pretend I haven't already exhausted my 5 things and move on!)

2. To finally put to rest the rumors I'm sure you've never even thought about before, I am not actually Carless. And yes, I've heard every joke there is. Yet, I always have to roll my eyes when someone makes a crack about my alleged lack of vehicle like no one else has ever thought of this ultimate witticism before. YES, YOU'RE THE VERY FIRST. I imagine the only person to truly know my pain would have to be someone with the last name Handcock. Luckily for me, unlike them, I don't necessarily have to debunk any scandalous rumors as to what my ancestors did for a living.

Oh, while we're on the topic of names, my middle name is actually "Harry", but as a child, not wanting it mixed up with the other connotation "hairy", I convinced classmates that the ubiquitous "H" on the teacher's roll-call actually stood for "Han Solo". True story. Unfortunately, I was never able to convince my brother Mike to pretend his middle name was Chewbacca, so to perhaps be the COOLEST PEOPLE EVER. He failed to see how infinitely awesome, and not painfully nerdy that would be. I may have also pretended my bicycle was the Millennium Falcon, and secretly wished I was a Transformer. I was 15 at the time. Ok, not really. 14.

3. If wrestling has taught me anything, it's that it's taught me EVERYTHING. Some people might choose to pursue a post-secondary education in the hallowed halls of many of our country's celebrated Ivy league Universities, but I much preferred to enroll myself in the institution that educated the feet of Rob Van Dam. I was taken to school by Ric Flair, and left to fend in the Yard of The Undertaker. He seemed to think he owned it. It was all quite strange. Everyday in the Cafeteria they served soupbones. Anyway, as it turns out, I didn't have the marks in, umm, kicking, and subsequently dropped out. And here I was, just a few weeks away from earning my Master's degree in Unorthodox offense. Oh well.

But hey, I already knew everything I needed to know. Really cool things like, if I ever got into a fight in the streets, it's best I wear JEANS, because, somehow, someway, this gives you an advantage. Being hit with weapons hurts much less if you're wearing Levi's. Throw in some cowboy boots, and I'm telling you, that's all the advantage you'll need.

I also learned that if someone ever grabbed me by the arm, and threw me in the opposite direction, physics be damned, I'll have no choice but to rebound, and by god, KEEP RUNNING. It's just science. And you can't fight science.

And finally, I've learned everything about the fairer sex from Vince McMahon and his unique vision of love and relationships. To be honest, I was a little perplexed when I found out women, in *real-life* actually have LAST NAMES, and didn't really want to solve their differences with other women by joyously trying to rip clothes off them, then exuberantly stripping themselves regardless of that outcome. But, at least, I knew that the worse I treated them, the more they'd blindly love me. That's a given. Being used as a human shield is the ultimate aphrodisiac to the ladies. I promise you. And if not? Well, they're all secretly Jezebels anyway just waiting to turn on you and sleep with your best friend for one Canadian Looney.

4. I am actually an ordained minister. Seriously. In 2005, I was ordained by the obscenely reputable institution known as the Universal Life Church. This allowed me to then practice Godliness in the whole of North America, and even erect my very own church. It's My Mom's garage. It's something. Sometimes she brings sandwiches on Communion. It's great. Plus, finally, I have a legit reason to dunk women underwater. I just tell them it's a baptism. And not, umm, well, my lawyer said I shouldn't finish this part.

Anyway, apparently, the only ritual *forbidden* to me as a legal agent of Jehovah, is to perform circumcisions. And well, I'm not losing any sleep over that. Not that handling penises is something that causes anyone insomnia. But hey, it's probably for the best. I've never been too fond of genitals not belonging to my person.

**For the record, despite starting my Ministry, I still can't get Derek to drink my blood in a dark ceremony and become my own personal Mideon. Apparently *someone* doesn't want sight beyond sight. Go figure.

5. Despite my somewhat offensive content, I have strangely only gotten one piece of hate-mail from an actual worker. Most wrestlers who've emailed me have actually enjoyed my body of work, seeing it just as jokes for the sake of jokes. Hell, even Steven Richards once demanded of me an actual physical plaque for his Year-end "Award", where I compared his perpetual WWE employment to being the one thing able to survive a nuclear blast. I said, in that event, only Stevie and the rats would remain. And he will still be obligated to put them over. Poor guy.

Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that last year, I got an email from Big Vito, or Vito as it were, because I'm not one to get into the validity of his size, where he mistook my website, TWF, for an actual wrestling promotion, and told me, he was now "available for booking". It took all my willpower to not fly him in, and hang out with the dude at the Mall, or something, with both of us wearing dresses. My ultimate plan was to film the entire debacle and set it to the song "Loving in the Moonlight". It never happened due to a snafu in funds. (Fun Fact: I spent it on drugs!).

As for that one hate-mail. In 2005, amidst the UConn Controversy, where one The Ultimate Warrior disparaged the world productivity of the entire homosexuality community at large, I *may* have written a column, that basically stated "Let he who hasn't worn make-up, puce underoos and fish-hooked another dude's arsehole with a press slam" cast the first stone. I was immediately contacted by his "Director of Warriors and Things of a Warrior Nature", who was clearly Warrior under a pseudonym (because if not, dear god). He told me that I should cease and desist immediately my anti-Warrior propaganda, lest he send Warrior, running from Arizona, to my home, where a slew of clotheslines, a big splash, and DEATH, no doubt awaited me. Luckily, I took immediate action, and removed any item in my home that could be misconstrued as ropes (The source of his power), covered my mirrors (let's not forget he can spontaneously appear in them) and got Papa Shango on speed-dial, just in case. It's been 3 years. I expect him ANY DAY now. (it is after all, a long, harsh run to Canada in only your underwear).

Thanks Sean! Remember to check out Sean's The Wrestling Fan website, which includes an incredible cast of writers, along with his brand new Sean Carless dot com which will give you everything Carless you could ever want.

Last week's Wrestling Enjoyment Index: 51
This week's net change: + 7
Current enjoyment level: 58

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Special thanks to: ”Sensational” Scott Paris, Keith Lipinski, and Ian Hamilton. Of course none of this would be possible without the talented hands of The Wrestling Fan’s Sean Carless

Billionaire philanthropist Derek Burgan, who fights crime when not writing DVD reviews, has been watching wrestling since he was ten years old. He even has a MySpace page . If you have any questions, corrections, feedback, or goofy ideas, Derek can be reached at: derek@gumgod.com .

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).