Matt Hardy's CRYPTIC BLOG drama: First let me say this. No one is a bigger fan of Matt Hardy than me. I've been a super-mark for the Hardy Boyz since Omega and still think they don't get anywhere near the respect that they should for bringing in fans during the Attitude Era, as you've all read me rail about in the past. The Rock and Austin are certainly deserving of praise, but the Hardys should be mentioned in the same breath, and they had to do it while being booked like idiots for most of the entire time. Ok, all that said, Matt can come across as kind of a goof once he starts going online. Everyone remembers the whole thing with Lita and Edge, which went from shoot comments to a combination of work/shoot while he was working his way back to the WWE. His most recent weirdness came after posting a self proclaimed CRYPTIC MESSAGE on his MySpace page where he talked about two people close to him, a male and a woman, both going through troubles. Now the definition of "cryptic" means you have a hidden message, a message in which any sane person would think you are inviting others to speculate on.

***That link above with Hardys house burning story was from Jim Ross' blog. I spent some time searching around ol' JR's site and I couldn't believe all the stuff he has for sale. Chipotle ketchup, jalapeño mustard and other products along with goofy t-shirts. I actually ordered a bottle of JR's BBQ sauce off of WWE.com way back in the day, the one that came with a mini cowboy hat for the bottle, and I still have it sitting on my desk. I'd actually like to try out that chipotle ketchup and jalapeño mustard, as they sound pretty good, but I could do without wearing a JR's BIG NUTS shirt. Although maybe I could find someone who wears that old APA Always Pounding Ass shirt and we could go to WrestleMania to be a part of some homosexual fashion show extravaganza. That has to be more entertaining than ROH's Jai-Alai event, right?

New Gimmick Table on WrestleCrap: It's been a while, but there is a new edition of the Gimmick Table up on WrestleCrap.com. This time we spotlight new shirts from TNA based on successful WWE shirts. This is your chance to see the latest shirts for Vince Russo, Junior Fatu, the TNA Announcing Team, the TNA Booking Team, and of course, the red hot Velvet Sky. Full disclosure: I write the Gimmick Table while Sean Carless does the top-notch art, so we'll give this one a huge plus just because we can. WEI Score: + 12

Vince McMahon joins Big Bird, Britney Spears, and Mel Gibson on the Hollywood Walk of Fame: A big week for wrestling's number one promoter as he was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. "I’m not really so sure what this award means," McMahon said. "It’s a star. I already know I’m a star. I’m the biggest star in the whole planet." Although it's a pretty neat deal, the specifics of getting a star reveal it's really not all that much. All you need is a $25,000 check to the Walk of Fame "trust" and a guarantee that the person getting the star will make an appearance. That's it. Still, it's pretty neat. WEI Score: + 2

***Cracked.com, which last year worked with WrestleCrap on an article, recently asked their website readers to develop flow charts for villians. They count down the top 20 and there are some true gems in there including the last two spotlighting Hitler and George Lucas. Fantastic stuff you need to check out. And you can also check out this Triple H flow chart I did back in the day.

Mini-reviews:
Wrestling Vixens: The New Era: Oh man, this is ONE HELL OF A DVD. Shot in Tampa, Florida, and why they mention that I have no idea, this new version of Wrestling Vixens spotlights ROH's Lacey, Daffney (formerly of WCW), and TNA's SoCalVal, ODB, Peyton Banks, and Velvet Sky. What you get is a series of photo shoots with the girls dressed up in either hot as hell outfits (such as Sky's "Supergirl" dealie, which you can see at the bottom of this page), bikinis, or lingerie. In between the photo shoots are candid discussions with the girls, which is interesting, but let's face, most people are going to be fast forwarding to the next hot shoot. I'll admit that I wasn't all that in to ODB's stuff - and with that husky voice she actually reminded me of that infamous "Sammi" skit with Mark Henry back in the day – but the rest are all top notch. I'm not a fan of SoCalVal at all, and still think her face is a little "off" (I don't know how to explain it better), but her shoots here are pretty good. The stuff with Sky and Lacey make this possibly the greatest wrestling DVD ever made. Think I'm kidding? It's so good there is no way in hell I can watch it around my g/f, she'd kill me. Get. It. Now.

1. Thanks to Derek, my hetero-sexual life-mate in satire, for this chance to let you know a little bit about myself. Or Sean, as I call me. I wasn't talking to myself for a while there, but we've once again became close. So, if I'm reading this, thank you for being a friend. Traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant. And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see, the biggest gift would be from me , and the card attached would say, thank you for being a friend. I've now segued into the Golden Girls theme song. And you're a better person for having heard it. Trust me.

Anyway, as per Derek's mandate, I must now try and think of some cool facts about myself. Facts like how I do a pretty great Randy Savage impression, and how, by proxy, it should be*I* that is X-Division Champion, and not Jay Lethal. But I'm not going to say that, even though I just did.

However, I guess I'll start with a formal introduction. For those of you who don't know me, you should, because chances are, you've stolen one of my pictures for your message-board sig. Your time of convincing the world that it was you who thought it'd be pretty hilarious to create a picture of Vince McMahon being raped by Pandas is over. The jig is up, mister. Seriously. Stop dancing. You look foolish.

Anyway, with that in mind, I guess you could say that's my claim to fame. I've churned out more original wrestling Photoshop's in the last few years than anyone in the history of everything important like wrestling Photoshop's. I've created some 7000, in fact. Chances are, if you've seen a wrestler doing something unnatural in a photograph, and thought, "Ok, what the hell", it was probably created by me. Or James Guttman. But hey, whatever. My work has been read anywhere and everywhere. From Live Audio Wrestling to 411Mania to Wrestlecrap, to my own Frankenstein monster of a website, The Wrestling Fan.com, which has become Google's number one website for "Wrestling Satire". And why would The Google lie? He's always been on the up and up with me.

That all said, I have in the last five years amassed a cult following comparable to Jesus. Aguilera, that is. I'm as big as that guy. You remember, Carlito's bodyguard? The guy who wore banana-colored pants pulled up to his nipples? To this day, my Grandfather is the only other dude I've ever seen pull off that look.

So, ya, check out my patented (I registered them and the phonograph in the latter 1800's under my alias "Thomas Edison") Wrestling Satires, horribly offensive Back-Leg Frontkick columns, and Recapitations, which are my own unique stream of consciousness take on WWE Pay-per-views. In actuality, it's just me going off on strange insane mid-match analogies and calling maybe 4 moves total. Truth is, I'm probably the worst recapper ever. But thus far, no one's noticed. Thank God.

(Hey, let's pretend I haven't already exhausted my 5 things and move on!)

2. To finally put to rest the rumors I'm sure you've never even thought about before, I am not actually Carless. And yes, I've heard every joke there is. Yet, I always have to roll my eyes when someone makes a crack about my alleged lack of vehicle like no one else has ever thought of this ultimate witticism before. YES, YOU'RE THE VERY FIRST. I imagine the only person to truly know my pain would have to be someone with the last name Handcock. Luckily for me, unlike them, I don't necessarily have to debunk any scandalous rumors as to what my ancestors did for a living.

Oh, while we're on the topic of names, my middle name is actually "Harry", but as a child, not wanting it mixed up with the other connotation "hairy", I convinced classmates that the ubiquitous "H" on the teacher's roll-call actually stood for "Han Solo". True story. Unfortunately, I was never able to convince my brother Mike to pretend his middle name was Chewbacca, so to perhaps be the COOLEST PEOPLE EVER. He failed to see how infinitely awesome, and not painfully nerdy that would be. I may have also pretended my bicycle was the Millennium Falcon, and secretly wished I was a Transformer. I was 15 at the time. Ok, not really. 14.

3. If wrestling has taught me anything, it's that it's taught me EVERYTHING. Some people might choose to pursue a post-secondary education in the hallowed halls of many of our country's celebrated Ivy league Universities, but I much preferred to enroll myself in the institution that educated the feet of Rob Van Dam. I was taken to school by Ric Flair, and left to fend in the Yard of The Undertaker. He seemed to think he owned it. It was all quite strange. Everyday in the Cafeteria they served soupbones. Anyway, as it turns out, I didn't have the marks in, umm, kicking, and subsequently dropped out. And here I was, just a few weeks away from earning my Master's degree in Unorthodox offense. Oh well.

But hey, I already knew everything I needed to know. Really cool things like, if I ever got into a fight in the streets, it's best I wear JEANS, because, somehow, someway, this gives you an advantage. Being hit with weapons hurts much less if you're wearing Levi's. Throw in some cowboy boots, and I'm telling you, that's all the advantage you'll need.

I also learned that if someone ever grabbed me by the arm, and threw me in the opposite direction, physics be damned, I'll have no choice but to rebound, and by god, KEEP RUNNING. It's just science. And you can't fight science.

And finally, I've learned everything about the fairer sex from Vince McMahon and his unique vision of love and relationships. To be honest, I was a little perplexed when I found out women, in *real-life* actually have LAST NAMES, and didn't really want to solve their differences with other women by joyously trying to rip clothes off them, then exuberantly stripping themselves regardless of that outcome. But, at least, I knew that the worse I treated them, the more they'd blindly love me. That's a given. Being used as a human shield is the ultimate aphrodisiac to the ladies. I promise you. And if not? Well, they're all secretly Jezebels anyway just waiting to turn on you and sleep with your best friend for one Canadian Looney.

4. I am actually an ordained minister. Seriously. In 2005, I was ordained by the obscenely reputable institution known as the Universal Life Church. This allowed me to then practice Godliness in the whole of North America, and even erect my very own church. It's My Mom's garage. It's something. Sometimes she brings sandwiches on Communion. It's great. Plus, finally, I have a legit reason to dunk women underwater. I just tell them it's a baptism. And not, umm, well, my lawyer said I shouldn't finish this part.

Anyway, apparently, the only ritual *forbidden* to me as a legal agent of Jehovah, is to perform circumcisions. And well, I'm not losing any sleep over that. Not that handling penises is something that causes anyone insomnia. But hey, it's probably for the best. I've never been too fond of genitals not belonging to my person.

**For the record, despite starting my Ministry, I still can't get Derek to drink my blood in a dark ceremony and become my own personal Mideon. Apparently *someone* doesn't want sight beyond sight. Go figure.

5. Despite my somewhat offensive content, I have strangely only gotten one piece of hate-mail from an actual worker. Most wrestlers who've emailed me have actually enjoyed my body of work, seeing it just as jokes for the sake of jokes. Hell, even Steven Richards once demanded of me an actual physical plaque for his Year-end "Award", where I compared his perpetual WWE employment to being the one thing able to survive a nuclear blast. I said, in that event, only Stevie and the rats would remain. And he will still be obligated to put them over. Poor guy.

Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that last year, I got an email from Big Vito, or Vito as it were, because I'm not one to get into the validity of his size, where he mistook my website, TWF, for an actual wrestling promotion, and told me, he was now "available for booking". It took all my willpower to not fly him in, and hang out with the dude at the Mall, or something, with both of us wearing dresses. My ultimate plan was to film the entire debacle and set it to the song "Loving in the Moonlight". It never happened due to a snafu in funds. (Fun Fact: I spent it on drugs!).

Last week's Wrestling Enjoyment Index: 51
This week's net change: + 7
Current enjoyment level: 58

PERMA-LINKS:
* Orlando Attractions Magazine - If you are a theme park NUT like me, you owe it to yourself to sign up for this fantastic magazine that spotlights all the great stuff down here in Florida. Disney World. Universal. Sea World, and just a ton of other stuff. Top notch articles and brilliant photographs make this one of my favorite things to read. It also helps to have several wrestling tie-ins, since several wrestlers (Scotty 2 Hotty, Mick Foley among others) are theme park fanatics as well!
* Scarface: The Devil in Disguise TPB - A collection of the superb four issue series from IDW publishing. Written by a wrestling fan and featuring the backstory of one of Hollywood’s most charismatic, not to mention controversial, characters: Tony Montana! If you enjoyed the movie, you’ll enjoy this.
* The Full Pint’s website - If you are a fan of beer, like me, than this is your one stop destination for all things beer. Reviews, news, and a ton of entertaining stuff will be found here. Check it out!
* B Brown Video - The best place you can go to trade wrestling tapes. If you want it, B Brown has it.

Special thanks to: ”Sensational” Scott Paris, Keith Lipinski, and Ian Hamilton. Of course none of this would be possible without the talented hands of The Wrestling Fan’s Sean Carless

Billionaire philanthropist Derek Burgan, who fights crime when not writing DVD reviews, has been watching wrestling since he was ten years old. He even has a MySpace page . If you have any questions, corrections, feedback, or goofy ideas, Derek can be reached at: derek@gumgod.com .