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TNA 
VICTORY ROAD 
2009
(07/19/09)
By Neil Cathan

A very drunk Neil Cathan here for TNA: "Road To Victory", as my cable provider calls it.

Opening the PPV off is a TNA Knockouts title defence for Tara, against Angelina Love

 

Tara vs Angelina Love, TNA Knockouts title.

 

Hey look! Sexy women! Considering what my drinking look liked earlier this evening, this is certainly an improvement. Tara appears to have a tarantula trapped in a glass box, which people what are beautiful seem scared of, despite it being trapped in a box what is glass. Tara fulfills many a male fantasy, dominating Angelina Love. Tarantula (but not the one that's in a glass box) on Angelina, but then beautiful people attack her outside. Heel commentator Don West talks about how this is cheating, making him bad on a whole other level. Congratulations Don West, you found a new level of suck. Now is the time of Angelina being in control, before giving a shitty looking 2nd rope clothesline that gets two. Crisp workers like Tara apparently refuse to job to moves that are less than crisp. Double down, and the fans count along very enthusiastically, clearly hoping that this will soon be over. Tara back in control, following a flapjack with a moonsault for two. Velvet standing on the apron, then sitting on the apron when Tara knocks her down. Hairspray actually gets Angelina, and Tara rolls her up, but ref not around to count pin, as he's telling beautiful people to be backstage people. Angelina then hits a weird slam thingy, and gets three count, even though Tara's foot is on the rope, for an OMG controversy finish.

 

Winner, and new TNA Knockouts champion: Angelina Love.

 

Kick downs Slick Johnson, Widow's Peak on Angelina Love, and the tarantula comes out of the glass box, and onto Slick, who freaks the fuck out.

 

Tenay and West talk about Victory Road, which confuses me because I thought I was watching Road To Victory. Madness! Or possibly just Sparta.

 

JB backstage with the MEM locker room, where Kurt, whose hair has now started to grow on his chin as well, since last time I saw him. Next time I see him, he'll just be a mass of hair, like cousin It. Kurt repeats stuff, a lot. Apparently, losing a match tonight means being out of the Mafia. Kurtle tells us not to expect a good match from him tonight. Well, since we've bought the show already, I guess we can be honest that it'll suck, huh?

 

Matt Morgan w/Superior Genetics vs DANIELS w/o Right to a first name

 

Apparently, all of this match is happening outside the ring. And we get back in, but that's just a tease, as Morgan does the exact same slam into the apron, until an apron moonsault turns things around, only for more Morgan domination on the outside, before some working of the leg in the ring, with working of the leg, and some suplexes (in keeping with the psychology of working the leg), before DANIELS makes a brief return to getting actual offence. However his leg is too far gone from the Morgan attack, allowing Morgan to continue burying DANIELS, before finishing him.

Winner: Matt Morgan

 

Glad to see that Daniel's return push is going well, with a brief angle that went nowhere with Douglas, he's jobbing to Morgan.

Stevie promo ends with a sweet Empire referece, responding to Daphney's confession of love with "I know."

 

Abyss vs Stevie Richards

 

Richards plays punching bag for Abysss, making a few attempts at a come back, which Abyss is unaffected by, before he easily hurls Richards around some more. RUN, RICHARDS RUN! Stevie hurls himself into the crowd, only for Abyss to continue abusing Dr. Stevie, who has taught me the lesson that all REAL doctors use their first name as their title, not their last. Tired of my fraudulent doctors, with their last names. Don West says "And that's all I have to say" Boy, I Wish.

 

Abyss looks so happy with himself, and then claps, like a seal. Stevie has a ridicustupidlame blade job, basically a line of red at the top of his head. Now Abyss looks sad, despite clapping like a seal with a fuck off huge grin on his face just a  minute earlier. Wonder if Stevie's therapy including treating mood swings?

Speaking of therapy: Thanks, Halo. I'm going to need therapy after reading my immortal...

 

Richards is hurled head first into a corner with a chair in it, before being scooped up for a shock treatment. Cover, and lift him by the head to interrupt the pin. Daphney makes her way to ring, allowing Stevie to low blow Abyss. Lauren goes to Abyss, who sells the nut shot like he was actually shot. Just lies there, totally still. Richards runs at Abyss with a tazer, gets a black hole slam, gets tazered, gets pinned.

 

Winner: Abyss, fans of PPV squash matches.

 

Good to see Abyss back in black, although the announcers insist on calling it new ring gear. I guess something about the company had to seem new. Mick Foley gives a motivational speech to his men., and then there's a Team 3D promo. Hey, they have 22 world tag titles. I never knew that. If only Brother Ray would say it a few more times.

 

IWGP Tag Title Match. Team 3D vs British Invasion

 

Doug chain wrestles with D-Von. By which I mean he wrestles, while D-Von sort of lies there doing nothing, SHADES OF THE LAST TIME I HAD SEX. I don't blame her for doing nothing though, you can't really expect much movement from the dead.  Brother Ray plays Ricky Morton, which suits, as he looks like he may well have eaten Ricky Morton. Ray sells like fuck for them, only to kick out at one from a  cover, ruining the effect of what felt like an hour of boring sitting in rest holds and getting stomped. All for nothing. D-Von is a house on fire, before the match reaches the inevitable falling apart stage. Waazup on Dougy. British guy who looks like he eats Steroidos for breakfast hits on D-Von(s back) outside as he gets a table. Doug takes a 3D anyway, leading to a three count. Abdul Bashir and Kiyoshi run out to attack 3D, because them forrun types are the same anyway.

 

However Foreign < The good people of Dudleyville, who 3D them dirty foreigns through a table.

 

The screwy Knockout title match finish gets so much attention you'd think that clean finishes in title matches were commonplace, as Lauren interviews Slick, who is sorry, and going to ask Cornette to give Tara a rematch. He has what sway over Cornette now? Lauren says we'll get more updates. I know I'm on the edge of my seat to hear about this.

 

Sharmell vs Jenna

 

Apparently, Sojo Bolt is training Sharmell, presumably teaching her to be even more boring! Jenna has Kong in her Korner

 

Jenna does a sort of stripper dance thing, and Sharmell beats her up, while I give the same treatment to my cock. Camel(toe) clutch on Jenna, but I guess we have to pay an extra fee to see her make Jenna humble. Sojo comes into the ring to help Sharmell, because she needs it, before Jenna makes a huge babyface comeback of slapping, and a "CAAATFIIIIGHT!" to quote the great Joey Styles. Kong hits Sharmell in her hand, causing her to fall over as if shot. Jenna does a sort of lap dance on Sharmell to finish her and me.

 

Winner: Kleenex.

 

TNA: WE WERE WRESTLING!

 

Jenna and Kong celebrate, before Jenna gets pissy at Kong, slapping her and getting KO'd for her efforts. Maybe Kong hit her hand. I hear that's a deadly spot for women.

 

Kevin Nash vs AJ Styles, for the TNA Legends Title.

 

They circle each other, and circle each other, and then there's a hit or two, and then they circle. Nash is taken down, and rolls outside, and then we stall some more. AJ backflips away from a clothesline.  Nash has broken a sweat stalling around the ring. That's how good a state he's in. Nash then hits AJ a bunch. AJ comes back with a kick that doesn't connect at all, and then Nash kicks him, sending him over the top. Captivating stuff, guys. Jacknife is almost turned into the Rey Mysterio finish, but Nash kicks. AJ gets some actual offence in! He then hits Nash's legs to the point that Nash gets big face heat. REST HOLDS. Because all that stalling was getting boring. Pele gets a two count, which doesn't shock me, but the fans seem awed. Nash then chokeslams Styles, burying him totally in the process.

 

Winner: Kevin Nash

 

MOAR NEWS about the women's title match. Slick is seen leaving the showers with Madison. Damnit Slick! You couldn't have sold out for the hot chick? I'm disappointed.

 

Beer Money vs Harlem Steiners for TNA Tag Team Titles.

Quick moves from Beer Money keep Booker down, and then it's double team time on Roode. Roode starts to make a comeback,and there's a back and forth with Steiner. Heels sent flying from the ring, and the Beer Money taunt gets a big pop. Mafia turn things back around, and it's the standard face gets heat, and makes hot tag territory. Which is a shame, as the match has been different from the standard formula so far. Hart attack with a leg lariat rather than clothesline was a nice spot. Things quickly break down into a chaotic brawl. Hebner has something in his eyes, or something, keeping him from counting the pin for Beer Money. Mafia then double team Roode as Storm shouts at Hebner, who counts the pin for the baddies.

Samoa Joe talks about his mentor with a black towel over his head. I WONDER WHO HIS MENTOR COULD BE?

 

Samoa Joe vs Sting

 

Quickly becomes a brawl through the crowd. Wasn't there supposed to NEVER, NOT EVER be a rematch between these two? Slick joeplex onto the ramp. Joe is whipped into the steps, and controlled from here. Joe sends Sting outside, and tope suicidas onto him. Back in the ring, splash and jumping enzuiguri in the corner. Sting gets brutalised. Both men are losing facepaint. I hear that the first one to have a naked face is the loser. Kind of like a bra and panties match, on your face. Sting makes a quick comeback, managing to lock a Scorpion Deathlock on. Suddenly, a metal guitar riff plays, and OMG TAZ! What a shock! With Taz at ringside, Joe makes his way to his feet to...get owned a bit. Well, that was anticlimatic. Joe crotches Sting on the ropes, and chokes him out in the clutch.

 

Winner: Samoa Joe

 

Taz in the ring, bumps knuckles with Joe. That was it? That was the big pay off? There's then a Lashley promo about having an MMA fight against Brock Lesnar. Relevance!

 

Kurt Angle vs Mick Foley for TNA World Title

 

Foley looks deadly serious, and talks about his game plan against Kurt Angle. Silly Foley was fun, but this intensity is supremely badass. When Foley really clicks on what he wants to promo about, it's unmatchable. JB has Hulk Hogan levels of orange, brother. I call the finish that Mick can't get the win due to powder in the eyes, and JB challenges and pins Angle to close the show up.

 

Angle keeps Foley in a headlock, before Foley pushes him away and hits a big elbow. This becomes a pattern, Foley beating Angle to the mat and applying a headlock. Foley continues his dominance of Angle, including his running knee into the corner. Angle tries to escape, and is beaten down outside, before being given a cool looking legdrop across the ropes as he slides in, followed by having his neck pulled onto the top rope. Suplex into the ring gets two. Eye rake brings it back for Angle, who keeps it going for him until he is catapulted to the outside. Attack on Foley's knees to bring it back to Angle, the combo ending in an Angle lock, only for Foley to power out. Foley dodges a moonsault. Double Arm DDT, gets a two. Foley also kicks an Angle Slam. Angle downs the ref, and fetches a chair. Foley cuts it off with a mandible, Angle falls outside, and takes an elbow drop. Angle kicks back in the ring. Coquina Clutch/Manidble Claw cross over move. Looked  niiice. Kurt rolls into a half mount and punches FOley repeatedly, before slapping an Anglelock on. Foley struggles, and struggles, and makes it eventually to the ropes. Angle releases, and attacks Foley before dragging him to the centre of the ring, before putting it back on, grapevining the leg to secure the win.

The MEM then basically have a big ass party in the ring, celebrating how they're burying the company. Yay for no credible opponents!

 

All in all, the actual content in the ring was fun, but the outcomes consisted entirely of burials.

 

Elsewhere on the site: My namesake fights EXTREME apathy on the SyFy Channel, WWE gets Closed Captioned, the veteran Cameron Burge delivers the best raw rant. Period. TMI for me, but oh well, and Andy Halo deals with iMPACT, and does as good a job with something that dire as anyone could ask for.

 

As for me, Hard Justice is going to have to be my final Totally Nonsensical Action, as I'll be moving to Uni, away from the glories of 3 day late free replays on Bravo 2. Watching it in squint-o-vision on my laptop appeals almost as much as actually buying the show.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).