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[Special Thanks to SEAN CARLESS, for filling in the blanks in this Rant here and there. Where exactly? I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out.]
You know, it would be easier to appreciate Mick Foley’s return if it didn’t so dimly reflect the fact that I myself am being continually trotted out to amuse the masses, despite long ago announcing my retirement. Sigh.


With that said, HAY GUISE. Welcome to mah PPV recap n stuff!


So whadda we got here? Oh lookie! Vince got blown up. Ya know there seems to be some controversy with this angle. Some argue it’s tasteless, some argue it’s intriguing. Whatever. All I know is, if this angle were up to me, it’d be far better.


“How so?” I hear you yelp, as I slap you upside the head for questioning me. Well sir, think about it. Cast your mind back to when the Undertaker had a doppelganger. Some of the more keen-minded of you will remember a Mr. Leslie Nielson of all people being invited onto a PPV, where he claimed he would find the missing Undertaker. That’s when it hit me. What if various TV personalities were called in, to find out who killed Mr. McMahon? Why, only THE AWESOMEST TELEVISION ENTERTAINMENT EVER.


As such, this recap will be dedicated to the memory of Mr. McMahon, by consulting various detectives with regards to finding Vince’s killer. Oh and, uh, it’ll tell you how some guy pinned another guy, or something.




First match!


Hey, there's former tag team Champions Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo in the crowd!  Wait. Rotundo? Man, you're lucky enough to born with the name Irwin R. Shyster, and you actually change it to Mike Rotundo? What gives? [/ Canadian Bacon]




You know, just to reiterate something Sean once said, Lance Cade has no hope of ever being recognised, considering he’s always changing how he fucking looks. Sean’s also been known to say ‘I like to channel my hatred for annoying women via the medium of fucking’ though, so you know, swings and roundabouts.


The match is now underway, and it's very good, and it better be, because they've wrestled 2000 consecutive times. At this point, Gregory Helms is watching Matt Hardy wrestle and saying "Holy shit, bro, get a new opponent already". See, I say this because they themselves had more matches last year than there are stars in the galaxy. Maybe that's the point, though? Since Matt is immortal and all, eventually when we all die, these matches will seem fresh to the next generation. Or something.


Anyway, the story here is Matt is isolated from his brother Jeff, and the Rednecks work over his leg. Murdoch hooks in the half crab on Matt from there, but Matt breaks free, because let's face it, considering who he's dated, crabs are probably old hat by now. Matt makes the hot tag to Jeff from there,  who comes in a house o'fire, or maybe it was a trailer o'fire 'cause they are from North Carolina, I don't know. Jeff eventually goes up top looking to finish Cade, but Murdoch pushes him off , and in the chaos Cade hits a blue thunder bomb to get the win and retain the titles. Yee-hawr.



What did I gain from this match? - You know, I was gonna remark on how it’s funny that they decided to use the tag titles to push a young and up and coming team like Cade and Murdoch (Sarcastically of course) but then I remembered that the Hardy ‘Boys’ are nearly twice my age.


WINNERS: Murdoch and Cade


Anyways, check out who’s here first to solve the McMahon Murder Mystery!




Shane: Hello, Lieutenant. Nice of you to come by here all the way from Miami.

Horatio Cain: Hello. *takes off shades* What do we have here?
Shane: Well, the vic was blown up in a limo, he was a billionaire tycoon of World Wrestling Entertainment.

Horatio Cain: *puts sunglasses back on* Well, Shane, it looks as though your dad had…NO CHANCE IN HELL.

Shane: …Lame, dude.


Moving on…


Backstage, Queen Sharmell warns Booker to be careful tonight in his match. Booker then says "why bother? we're in Houston, remember. I don't even know why I even bothered showing up". Ok, he didn't say it, but it's true. Like Superman (not John Cena) Booker T's home is his only weakness.


Summer Slam/Jackass video airs. WWE: Yesterdays fads, today!


Video footage of Brock Lesnar, pre-disturbing penis tattoo, getting beat by Eddie Guerrero for the WWE Title. The part where a seemingly homeless Bill Goldberg cost Brock the match is strangely missing. Go figure.






Well clearly the thing that sparked this feud off is Chavo is jealous of Wang Yang’s high flying ability, and thinks that by defeating him he may somehow gain this ability for himself. No border will be able to contain this man!


As the match goes on Cole puts over Chavo as one of the best cruiserweight champions ever. Meh. What of the legacy of Evan Karagias? Madusa? Oklahoma? There's just too many legends to name here. JBL then butts in, putting over the legacy of the great Guerrero family. A legacy so great that the first Guerrero ever hired by the company was put in a giant chicken costume. WWE RESPECTS THE GUERREROS.


Anyway, the story here is Yang keeping Chavo off guard with his high flying ways, and Chavo grounding the redneck (yellow neck?) to regain the advantage. Yang rallies eventually and hits a missile dropkick, but since he's really Korean, I'm surprised the CIA isn't looking into this alleged missile made of flying oriental feet. Kim Jong II has a hand in this unconventional cruiserweight offense, I just know it. Yang then goes up top and hits a big cross-body but that only gets two, which Yang sells with shock. Chavo then quickly hits a *surprise* Three Amigos, but how does one exactly "surprise" someone with rolling suplexes, I ask? After the first one, where's the surprise? Why would you keep going with it? And why am I talking to myself? Yang soon after goes for a moonsault, but Chavo ducks, and follows that up with a powerbomb, but Yang counters that into a cradle, but that only gets two. Both men then jockey for a superplex, but Chavo tosses Yang down, who gets crotched, and Chavo hits the frogsplash to retain the title. Well, that fills the Cruiserweight Title match quota on pay-per-view for this year!




What did I gain from this match? – Oh come on, knocking a Oriental dude onto the ropes crotch first isn’t gonna do much harm, let’s be honest.




Shane: PLEASE sir! You must help me find who blew up that limo! Do you have any idea what it’s like to lose a parent?!

Batman: Well…

Random dude: Vince isn’t really dead, you assholes!
Batman: Don’t worry chum, I happen to have my trusty smark repellant spray with me…


Of course not, but what the hey.




Wait, what? Apparently Benoit couldn’t make it due to a family emergency of some kind (Surely by now the Benoit’s can resist the urge to just leap off roof head first whilst doing mundane tasks such as DIY) so we get Nitro instead. So Punk vs. Nitro it is.


[Sean's quick Edit from 2008: Turns out, Benoit couldn't make it because in honor of ECW, he was already engaged in a 3-way elimination match of his own. The result? Well, all three were eliminated, so Draw? Maybe?].


Hey, who knew that pinning Nunzio in your first match merits a World title shot? Next time I see that swarthy little bastard exit an arena I'm rolling the fucker up. Pencil me in for Great American Bash.


The crowd is already shitting on this match, chanting 'we want Chris Benoit'. Gotta love this company. Every title change in this brand has been met with complete and total apathy by the crowds. Yet they keep ignoring the guy whose story it is to give the belt to guy coming in from another brand. Oh wait-there's a match going on here. Nitro punishes Punk's arm, which I imagine will make him cracking open a two liter bottle of Pepsi quite the challenging task later tonight, grinding him down with a version of Punk's very own Anaconda vice. Which is of course Punk's former finisher, and not a secret task force bent on stopping the illegal trafficking of giant Amazonian reptiles. Glad I could clear that up for you.


Soon after, Punk comes back with some stiff kicks, but Nitro scoops his legs and goes for the EXTREME rope assisted pin, but the referee spots it and says, what do you think this is, real ECW? THERE'S RULES HERE, AND MISTER YOU'RE GONNA OBEY THEM.  Punk works over Ntro from there, and looks for the Go to Sleep, but Nitro wiggles free. Punk then hits his crazy clothesline/bulldog move, and goes for a springboard, but Nitro avoids the move, and hits a corkscrew neckbreaker to win the vacant ECW title and break the hearts of fat people around the country with their black XXX T-shirts. They then uncross their forearms and type up furious retorts on message boards across the net.




What did I gain from this match? - WOW THAT’S AWESOME COS WWE DID SOMETHING UNEXPECTED LOLZ. “Oh, I didn’t expect you to kick me in the balls just then! Hahaha!”




Columbo: May I ask how you do that, sir?
Undertaker: What, the lightning? Ah, trade secret lieutenant.

Columbo: Well may I say it’s a very fine art, sir, I wish I could show it the wife.

Undertaker: Do…do you even have a wife?
Columbo: Well…no. But at least mine doesn’t look like a man.

Undertaker: Touché.


- We get a look back to HBK defeating Bret Hart at Wrestlemania 12. Apparently no other pre-millennium footage of HBK exists.


-Mick Foley is backstage getting ready for his match when he's approached by Randy Orton. Randy comments that it looks like Mick may have suffered a concussion last Monday, before saying that last time they crossed paths, Orton defeated him. But hey, at this point, that's kinda like bragging that you just beat a crippled guy in a foot race. I mean, when was the last time poor Mick won a singles match? Feel free to email me the answer so I can never respond because you're making me look bad.


-Hey, there's Rick "The Dragon" Steamboat! He gets a nice round of applause.  Clearly, someone should have sent out like 15 Ninjas just for old time's sake, though.




I know Sean already made the ‘Mario’ jokes but…seriously, Umaga looks like a fucking Goomba. Surely Santino can just..jump on him. Good look getting coins from a Samoan though.


Well, the good news is it didn't last long. The bad news is that the two minutes it lasted were terrible. Umaga annihilates Santino, then gets disqualified for choking him in the corner. Bah. And here I thought they'd make nice. I mean, Umaga's already barefoot, so maybe Santino can take him back to the old country and they can make some wine together? It'd be beautiful.



WINNER: Santino by DQ


What did I gain from this match? - Heh, I’d have loved it if when Umaga smacked Santino, Santino sorta just froze, rose into the air then fell off screen as some music goes ‘DUN. Dun DUN DUN DUN DUN dun dun dun, dundun’ Then GAME OVER flashes up. MARIO JOKES FTW.


So the commentators discuss Vince’s death. Just to, I dunno, mix it up a little I guess.




Shane: So..you guys really think you can find out who killed my dad?
Shaggy: Zoinks! Like of course, dude! Like ever since we got out of prison we’ve been wanting to go straight!
Shane: You were in prison?
Shaggy: Yeah, like we got busted in our van with our dealer. You might know him, his name’s Rob?
Shane: Hard to believe they arrested your dog too…

Shaggy: Oh, he wasn’t there. He was done for something else.
Shane: Really? What?
Scooby doo: Ratutory Rape!


BAHAHAHAA My God I’m funny.




Gotta love how Republicans are probably rooting for Flair right now. Last thing they want is a black dude representing the ‘US’ eh?


Flair and MVP feel each other out early. And JBL peels off the most absurd line of the night when he says that when Ric Flair sees MVP , he sees himself twenty years ago. Huh. I remember watching the NWA in 1987. I don't remember Ric Flair being a black man in a 1940's male bathing suit. But if JBL says it, then who am I to argue.


Anyway, MVP dominates early, as is custom in all Ric Flair matches. Flair even runs towards the back-body drop like he has for 30 years straight. Eventually though, Flair rallies and works over MVP's leg, getting the figure four soon after. After some struggling, MVP finally gets to the ropes and gets the break. As the referee jaws with Flair, Flair walks into a Greco-Roman thumb to the eye, and falls prey to the Playmaker to allow MVP to retain the title.




What did I gain from this match? - DAMN LEFTIES.


-Backstage Todd is with John Cena. Edge interrupts and says the odds are really against John Cena tonight. Really? Cena has won like 99% of his matches the last two years straight. Motherfucker is the odds now. All they need now is to somehow find a way for him to wrestle himself so he can attempt to overcome the odds of defeating himself who'd also be fighting the same exact odds. This whole scenario probably made a whole lot more sense in my head...



Deuce and Domino are out now with some piss poor promo. Screw it, let’s cut to backstage with the last detective:


Shane: You…you’re not even a detective. What the hell.

Shane: Do you even have any law qualifications?
Josey Scott: I WALKED A MI-
Shane: Yes, yes…so what do you think actually was the cause of death?



Oh, Josey. Don’t ever leave me again. With me is where you belong.


Oh sweet gooey CHRIST please don’t let me be so!




WHY LORD. Well, apparently this is because Deuce is actually the son of Snuka. You gotta wonder what kinda conversations these two have:


Snuka: "So, how's this Cherry chick working out for you?"

 Deuce: "She's ok, Dad."

Snuka: "Good, good. But hey, just in case, just give me the word and I'll 'take care' of it."

Deuce: "Nah, Dad, it's Ok, really. "

Snuka: "Are you sure? I mean, I got my shovel out in the car"

Deuce: ....

Dave Gagnon: SUPERFLYYYYYYY.*Runs off*


 Oh ya, the match. Snuka takes it to the greasers early, while pulling off a really swank leopard print hot pants/black tank top combo. You know, the same wardrobe cougars wear when they pick up dudes my age at the bars. Slaughter tags in soon after and applies his vaunted cobra-clutch, a hold that probably doesn't work out too great in War-time situations. No wonder Sarge's career in the Military didn't last too long. Deuce & Domino regain the advantage soon after, and Deuce sets up Sarge for a Superfly of his own, but Sarge rolls clear and makes the hot tag to Snuka who cleans umm, hut? (Do they have houses in the Fiji jungles?) before going upstairs for a bodypress, which Deuce rolls through to pick up the pin. That has to be weird. I think I'll go sunset flip my Dad and see how it feels.


WINNERS: Deuce & Domino


What did I gain from this match? - Well, what better way to put over your champs than have them DECIMATE two old people. Although it worked for me as a rite of passage.


After the match D&D beat down Snuka & Slaughter, but Rick Martel (who looks pretty good all things considered) and the animated corpse of Tony Garea make the save.


We get a video package on all the great World Champions, and Harley Race is here. Right on.





Oh, ‘Last Chance’ eh? That either means Dave’s winning or a Dusty finish is afoot (Which I always thought was slang for an old woman climaxing. Huh. Learn something new every day.) OH THE POSSIBILITIES.


 That said, I'm sick of this feud, so I refuse to recap it on principle. All you need to know is that Batista dominated with his rawr animal offense, so Edge hit him low to cause a DQ. I suspect the latter move was a tribute to the now retired Price is Right host Bob Barker, who always told us to have our Animals spayed and neutered. Edge is just helping control the Pet population. We can't have litters of oily musclemen running around, it'd be chaos.




But, oh wait! Teddy Long comes out to restart, saying if Edge gets DQ’d again, he loses the belt. Wow Long! Way controversial! SOCK IT TO ME. I bet Long's just bitter because he can't utilize the Undertaker for every mundane task imaginable anymore.


Edge tries to take advantage of the still testicularly incapacitated Batista, and hits the spear, but Big Dave kicks out at two. Batista then recovers and goes for the Batista-bomb but Edge gets out of the ring. Batista follows him out, and powerbombs Edge on the floor, and rolls him back into the ring-- but he himself doesn't make it back in time before the count. Gooched.


WINNER: Edge by Count out


What did I gain from this match? - HA. PPV? 40 dollars. Number of dusty finishes? 2. In how many matches? 1. Knowing you wasted your money on a shitty PPV? FUCKING SUCKY.



Oh sweet Jelly Belly Jesus I just want this to end. Oh look, fap material! Not like I can get free porn or anything!




Ugh, whatever. You know what’s really entertaining? Having sex with someone and yelling out a random Star Wars quote. Seriously, try it. I recommend ‘YOU WILL NEVER FIND A LARGER HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLAINY’ or ‘THAT’S NO MOON.’ or my favourite, ‘IT’S A TRAP’.


For the record, this is just a straight up wrestling match, so for those of us wanting to see more classic catch-as-catch-can wrestling inside pools filled with viscous liquids, we're shit out of luck. The two start off and Melina teases a knucklelock, but doesn't fall through. I wish I could say the same thing here. What? I'm single. Sue me.


Melina controls much of the pace, working on Candice's back, placing her in a bow and arrow. Candice fights free soon after, and side steps a Melina charge and she spills to the outside. Once back inside, Candice hits the bulldog, but Melina comes back with some punches, but eventually she walks into a spinning kick by Candice...umm, well, the spinning was there at least. The kick? Not so much. Oh ya, the wind behind Candice's mighty kick of good intentions is enough to knock Melina over and Candice gets the pin and the title!


WINNER: Candice


What did I gain from this match? - Oh, almost forgot, DON’T say ‘I am your father’ that..that one’s a big no-no.


JBL is announced to the crowd and hilariously gives Tony Chimmel a list to read off of his many contributions.




Hoo boy. Ya got John Cena, the irresistible force, in the same match as Lashley, the Uninteresting Object. S’like if Ebony and Ivory had a God damn Dragonball Z fight.


 Oh, and for the record, this match is no DQ or count out. There will be a decisive winner. Just not anyone not named John Cena.


Anyway, all five men begin brawling, and Foley, Cena, Booker & Orton spill to the floor, and brawl, but Lashley leaps out with a huge plancha. IT'S A BORING 747!!!! Wait, it's pronounced Boeing? Oh well. Still a cool move though.


There's some teases throughout between Cena and Lashley, but the two never really have a chance to hook it up which is too bad since I wanted to see if when they touched if they'd morph into one entity. If Time Cop has taught us anything, it's that two identical matters CANNOT exist in the same space at the same time. It's true. And oh ya, to totally negate my joke, Cena smashes Lashley through the announce table, which removes him from much of the rest of the match.


Back inside, Booker works over Cena as Foley and Orton are on the floor, and he gets the scissors kick, but Orton breaks up Booker's cover. As the two argue, Cena hits Orton with a shoulderblock. Booker then eats one as well. Protobomb on Book from there, and a five-knuckle shuffle attempt from there, but as he rebounds, Orton catches him with an RKO! But before he can make the pin Foley breaks the cover. It's all Foley from here as he hits all his trademark spots on Orton, (double-arm DDT, running knee smash) and then he pulls out Mr. Socko, but he turns into a superkick by Booker which sends him out to the floor. While out there Foley grabs a chair and brings it back into the ring and wears out Cena, Booker and recovered Lashley with it. Orton then tackles it out of Foley's hands, and slams Mick's head into it., He then hits the soccer kick, but walks into a spear by Lashley. Booker then tosses Lashley out of the ring, but walks into a Cena F-U attempt, but he struggles, so Cena dumps him on the ropes throat first. Cena then hoists a groggy Mick Foley up on his shoulders and nails the F-U to pick up the win. Oh, Mick can fall off a cage TWICE, and still continue on, but he's demolished by a Fireman's carry? That's one powerful non-impactful slam.




What did I gain from this match? - Oh, oh check it out you guys. John Cena, like, you know, totally took us off our guard. I thought he was done for su- oh FUCK it. Seriously.


What pleased me? - Well, hard to say really. Good wrestling overall I guess.


What pissed me off? - TERRIBLE booking. The tag match with Snuka & Son was GOD AWFUL. And two dusty finishes in ONE match? One of the main events no less? Clearly this was just a throwaway PPV. Thumbs down.


Well that’s all folks! Now please..PLEASE…LET ME ROT IN PEACE.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.
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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).