Hey there, kids! James Walker here with your WWE Vengeance Rant. You know, when I think of Vengeance, I think of Captain Kirk screaming “KHAAAAAAAAAAN” to the heavens, not Umaga screaming “KABUKIII” to a couple of 8 year olds in the front row,  but surely this is just another way to bring in the Sci-Fi fans. Surely.

Anyways, enough of my admittedly asinine assumptions, and let’s arrest my awesome alliteration for an apparent average evening of action!

Kurt “The Wrestling Machine” Angle VS Randy “The Legend Killer” Orton

VS..

The hilarious irony of Kurt Angle fighting for extreme violence, while Randy Orton fights for entertainment isn’t lost on me. It might be lost on WWE creative, but they also lose games of Jeopardy to garden gnomes, so it’s par for the course.

Didn’t I just review this match two weeks ago? I really want to copy and paste by previous work, but that would make me no better than Orton, sooo…

Anyways, Kurt dominates Randy with his newly displayed shoot-fighter style, with stuff like a hammerlock (not this:), a double chicken wing (not this:) and singe legs (not this:). Kurt eventually nails a German on the floor (not this:), and further proceeds to make Orton his bitch. However, Orton regains control with an eye poke, and A HIGHLY IMPRESSIVE AND NOT AT ALL ONE OF THE FEW MOVES HE CAN DO dropkick. I mean, seriously, at least Maven could play a face.

Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence. Blah blah blah, generic Orton offence.

He heads up to the top turnbuckle, and I think he’s gonna do something new... buuut... Kurt runs up and lands a Belly to Belly. Standing 10 count begins, but both guys get up in time – and when was the last time this actually finished a standard match? If anyone has the answer, please email someone who gives a damn and that isn’t your mom.

Anywho, Randy reverses the Angle Slam into the stretch backbreaker for 2, but Kurt reverses an RKO attempt, which allows Orton to undo a turnbuckle pad. Kurt lands a shitload of impressive Germans (not this:) and Orton bails. Kurt gets him back in the ring, and then locks in an Ankle Lock, but Orton gets out. Kurt lands the Angle slam, and lock in the Ankle lock again, but Orton rolls through and Kurt goes right into the metal turnbuckle. RKO, 3 count.

Winner: Randy Orton

Fucking even-steven booking. Why can’t one can look superior when he obviously is? It’d be like Bumblefuck, Arkansas getting the summer Olympics because they didn’t get to host the county pie eating contest.

Backstage, Vince claims that vengeance is his. And unlike every other wrestler in his company who’s been saying that line in every PPV promo for the last 2 weeks, he DOES actually own this show, so I guess he’s right. Some kid in a wheelchair shows up with a DX shirt, and Vince gets pissed off, thinking that it’s a set up a la raw. Vince shoves the kind down the hallway, and off camera, we are lead to presume the kid crashed into a convenient pile of rubble. Coach shows up and tells him it wasn’t a set up at all, ~HAHA! With the handicapped being little more than an enclosed package of floppy meat, and that being like a hotdog, what is Vince alluding to by throwing him down a hallway? Did I just look into that too much in a poor attempt at being controversial?

Estrada & Umaga are out now, and Estrada has a mic. He says that Eugene apparently has back up, and then invites Eugene to bring along Superman, Spiderman, Aqua man, and Wonder Woman. I can see how the first two would be useful, but I don’t know how well being able to talk to fish or throwing a lasso around Umaga that made him say “Ok, fine, I’m really Jamal!” would be. But hey, don’t try to tell me that you wouldn’t mark out for an entrance in an invisible plane.

Ooooomaga w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada VS Ooooogene w/ Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Doink the Clown, Kamala, and parking privileges

Yes! Kamala! Incase you didn’t listen to Sean’s latest installment of TWF radio, Kamala has his own website, where he actually sings. Seriously, I shit you not; it’s the best thing since man invented God.

Anywho. Squish squash squibbitdy squam squam, Samoan spike, sayonara special one.

Winner: Samoa Joke (TM Sean Carless)

After the match, Umaga destroys Duggan, Doink... but... is afraid of Kamala? INTRIGUING!*

*blaaah.

Foley is backstage with THE GRISH, and he reads from Flair’s book. Where was this feud when it was actually an issue? Why did it take Foley so long to seek revenge on Flair? When will I shower again? The answer to all these questions is simple “I dunno, it’s not important.”

Mick Foley VS Ric Flair, Best 2 out of 3 Falls

So Mick is pimping the fact he’s gonna have a bad match. Sorta like a heart surgeon saying “welp, I’m drunk.”, except that this is FAR MORE SERIOUS.

Being in Charlotte, this is a very pro-Flair crowd. These two do some basic chain wrestling from the beginning but Foley gains control by simply pounding on Flair in the corner. Mick hilarious does the strut, and then hits the running knee charge. Double arm DDT follows, and as Flair stirs, Foley brings out Socko... and holy crap, it’s dressed like Flair. However, Ric counters with the Greco-roman ball grab, and the crowd pops? Last time I tried that, the police totally kicked me out of the local elementary school.

Flair knocks Foley down, and because he’s a face, he lands a double Ax-Handle off the top. However, not being used to actually LANDING that, he kayfabes a knee injury, and Foley zeroes in, like a fat kid on the last donut. As Foley works it, Flair audibly yells FUCK, and the last time an old man said FUCK to me, I took it a little too literally and… oh hey, look Flair reverses a figure 4 attempt and got a pin on Foley! Guess that story will have to wait!

Winner of the First Fall: Ric Flair by pinfall

Foley gets rolled up for a near fall, and the Flair tosses him to the outside. Foley takes his running knee bump into the steel steps, and Flair continues to dominate. Foley tries to bail out of the crowd, but Flair tries to cut him off... but Foley is the wiser and back drops Flair onto the floor. Flair is in the ring, and Foley grabs a trash can. Flair takes Foley down and goes for the figure 4, but Foley grabs the trash can, and we’ve got a DQ.

Winner of the Second Fall, and the match: Ric Flair by Disqualification

Whoa, that was surprising. Not only did it not go to the 3^rd and deciding fall, but the match actually was pretty good, for what it was. Though, when a 2 out of 3 falls match goes 7 minutes, you really have to ask yourself: Aroo?

Anywho, the action isn’t done, as Foley beats the hell out of Flair after the match with a barbed wire bat. Flair does some serious color. Hopefully, this will be enough to give this feud some heat that it deserves, not unlike something that deserves heat. Or whatever.

Backstage, Carlito is doing an interview with Maria. She busts out her famous “I’m gonna play dumb but then say something obscenely smart and mess with your heads” shtick, with reminds me a lot of Bacon, except for the last part. Torrie Wilson randomly walks by in a Bikini, and asks Maria to rub baby oil on her. If only I had high powered lawyers, I’d sue the WWE for plagiarizing my soggy dreams.

Johnny Nitro w/Melina VS Shelton Benjamin VS Carlito, Intercontinental Championship

So a Hollywood pretty boy, a black guy, and a Cuban walk into a wrestling ring…

In all honesty, this match was rather good, and really showcased these guys well. Nitro gets tossed out, and Benjamin tries for a quick roll up on Carlito, but it gets 2. Nitro watches on as Carlito controls Benjamin... and Nitro picks his spot, but immediately gets pitched, not unlike the fun Shawn Stasiak/The Rock segment from a few years ago. However, Nitro springboards in, and then lands a nasty looking kick on Carlito. Outside on the floor, Benjamin and Nitro fight it out, and Benji tries to stop Melina from having sex with Batista getting involved. This angers Nitro, and this time, he actually does something about it! However, Carlito surprises them both with a double springboard somersault plancha, and the crowd pops huge.

In the ring, Nitro lands an impressive tilt-a-whirl leg sweep, but Carlito transforms into Lucha-tron, and avoids a charge with a springboard back flip and then snaps off a quick Hurricarana on Nitro. Shelton is in, and hits Carlito with a tossing flapjack for 2. Usually-Samoan-but-tonight-it’s-Minnesotan drop on Carlito, but Nitro breaks it up. Nitro whips Benji into the ropes, and goes for a Hurricarana himself, but Benjamin counters that by simply throwing him into the turnbuckle. Carlito lands a surprise Victory Roll for 2 on Benjamin. Nitro then hits a monkey flip on Nitro, who does a 360 degree flip into a dropkick by Carlito, which came off very crisp. Nitro puts Carlito on the top rope, but Benjamin causes Johnny to fall down and crotch himself into a tree of Woe. Shelton goes up for a superplex, but Nitro coils up and hits a sweet Spider German suplex on Shelton as he superplexed Carlito. However, the cover on Carlito only gets a 2 for Nitro. Great spot.

Carlito is taking control now, and even lands a double springboard back elbow. Carlito dumps Nitro to the floor, but Shelton lands a stiff enziguri on Carlito. However, Carlito gets up and lands the backcracker. On the pin cover, Nitro pulls Carlito out, and covers Shelton for the three count!

Winner and NEW Intercontinental champion: Johnny Nitro. Some punishment, eh?

Like I said before, very entertaining match that displayed some great young talent. This is exactly what the Intercontinental division is for. By the way, Nitro is quickly becoming one of my personal favourites, and Carlito is pretty damn amazing. … Holy crap, it’s been 295 words since I last made a joke. Umm, so that Shelton Benjamin, eh? He’s... uhh... black? Yeah? No?

Backstage, The Spirit Squad talk about winning and stuff, because you really cared. Vince gives them a pep talk, and then the squad leaves his room. Vince then notices the penis enlarger pump (Why the hell was it brought here?), and takes it into the bathroom... and an explosion is heard! Oh no, Vince is covered in green paint! I haven’t laughed this hard since my mom ate all my Halloween candy. That was pretty awesome, cause somebody put razor blades into some taffy.

Edge is out now, and likens an ECW wrestler having the WWE title to Carolina having the Stanley Cup. The hockey fan in me agrees, but the wrestling fan in my makes me wonder if they want RVD to be a face or a heel. Because god knows we can’t understand tweeners!!!

Edge w/Lita VS RVD, WWE Title

Big “RVD” chant. Though, it could have been directed at Lita and they’re saying “Arrrgh... VD!”

Edge takes RVD down to start the match, and Edge mocks RVD the only way anyone ever does – by doing the thumb point. This infuriates RVD so much, that he uses a dreaded MONKEY FLIP on Edge! OH THE HUMANITY! However, Edge lands on his feet, and gets rolled up for two, unlike Kwee wee, who snapped his tibia in two.

Some more quick paced action, and Edge misses a cross body, so RVD lands a standing moonsault for two. Stepover wheel kick, but Edge bails on the rolling thunder. Baseball slide by RVD, and the he follows that up with a moonsault off the security wall. RVD throws Edge into the ring, and Lita distracts RVD long enough for Edge to land a great looking sunset flip powerbomb to the floor.  Edge rolls RVD in, but only gets two. Edge eventually gets RVD down, and applies a surfboard I think “How did a Canadian learn to surf? All our water is frozen!”, but RVD breaks it up soon after, proving Edge has no experience with it. Speaking of having no experience, I hear that our own Joe Merrick went on a date the other night… with a woman! Anywho.

RVD forearms Edge to the apron, and then lands a cross body, sending them both to the floor! Cool spot. RVD drapes Edge over the wall, but MISSES the spinning leg drop. Edge then ends up powerbombing RVD onto the security wall, and RVD sells it like a champ. Edge with a pendulum back breaker, and keeps RVD there for a submission hold. RVD gets out of it with an impressive kick and battles back. RVD is making his comeback, but Edge stops it short with a big aboot. In the corner, RVD reverses a charge, but Edge prevents a tornado DDT, which RVD then lands a couple of kick kicks, bringing him down. Edge staggers up, and RVD lands a springboard side kick. RVD lands a big bridging german suplex for 2. RVD goes for the rolling thunder, but edge gets up and hits a sweet looking powerslam for 2. RVD fights back, and hits the leaping side kick off the top. He climbs again, does a somersault off the top, into a rolling thunder. This quickly segues into a split legged moonsault for a nice near fall. RVD accidentally lands a spinning heel kick on the ref, and Lita passes the spinner belt to Edge. We all know where this is doing... Van Damninator by RVD! RVD goes up top, but Lita crotches him. Edge is bleeding, looks legit. With RVD sitting on top, Edge lands a nasty DDT off the top, but only gets a 2 from the woozy ref. Edge goes for the Spear, and you have to wonder. If he’s using the spear, shouldn’t he be named Pointy? Tell me you wouldn’t mark out for a guy who calls his fans “Pointdexters”. Anywho, Lita puts a chair between the ropes, hoping to sandwich RVD, but RVD side steps it and Edge is waffled by the chair (not this:), and then lands the 5 star frog splash to retain! Great match.

Winner, and STILL WWE Champion: Rob Van Dam

Damn fine match there. Recently, it’s looked like RVD has had a fire lit under his ass. Even though that fire was probably intended to light something else, it matters not.

Backstage, Paul hypes up the ECW superstars wrestlers rebels extremists. Paul says Raw will get some lumberjacks too. I can only hope this means the return of the Man’s Man, Steven Regal.

Kane VS Kanye (Fake Kane)

Before the match, Kanye gets on the mic and says that George Bush doesn’t care about seven foot tall monsters. Unseriously.

Anywho, this match is impossible to recap. Ok, no it’s not, but I simply don’t want to that much. Instead, take all the famous Kane spots that aren’t part of a finish (sitting up, rolling backflip out of the ring, goozles, flying clotheslines), and have both men do them, and you have the bulk of the match. To make up for this lost recap space, I will instead offer you an excellent recipe for barbeque sauce . Unlike this match, JR won’t call it ugly. (He actually did.)

Anywho, Kane hits a big superplex, and Kane heads to the top rope. Retro Kane sits up, goozles Kane, and chokeslams him for the win. Uninspired.

Winner: The Freakane Deakane.

Out next come a bunch of ECW crew (The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Justin Credible, Balls Mahoney, Stevie Richards, Roadkill, Al Snow, and Little Guido) come out, and the Raw guys as well (Charlie Haas, Viscera, Val Venis (?!?), Matt Striker, Snitsky, Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, and Rob Conway). Man, they really know how to make ECW look like a threat…

It’s worth noting that as Cena made his entrance, JR likened him to Moses. So where was Cena when HBK fought the McMahons, huh? HUH?

Sabu VS John Cena, Canadian Snuff Film match

I think the EXTREME LUMBERJACK MATCH might be the best stipulation ever. Seriously, anything that can conjure up images of Terry Funk dressed in flannel sawing through a tree with barbed wire while saying “Your wife is a whore and your son is an arbutus” definitely wins in my book.

But seriously here folks, I’m getting sick of everything being labeled “Extreme” in ECW, when clearly it’s not. (See: The Extreme Battle Royal) ECW reminds me of a restaurant which offers CRAZY-MELT-YOUR-BALLS-OFF-SO-HOT-THAT- ICELANDIC-PEOPLE-WILL-USE-YOUR-FACE-FOR-GEOTHERMAL-POWER wings, which are really about as spicy as corn syrup is a sexual lubricant  (It’s not – trust me.)

ANYWAYS. Sabu toss Cena to the floor right away, and then John receives some EXTREMELY GENERIC PUNCHES AND KICKS!!! Cena fights back, and gets a fisherman’s suplex for two. Sabu gets tossed, but the ECW lumberjacks throw him back in. Cena dominates some more, but then gets tossed, and beaten up again. Back inside, Sabu boots Cena, and then gets tossed again, as Sandman canes Cena.

Now that Cena is beaten down (Something Sabu most certainly couldn’t do by himself!!!) he lands a triple jump moonsault for two. Sabu locks in the camel clutch (which he’s been using as a finish), but Cena powers out. However, Sabu low blows Cena, and a triple jump leg drop gets two. Arabian face busted gets another two. Air Sabu misses (a flight from India not landing? Well I never!)

Sabu eats the SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT 5 knuckle shuffle, and there’s a brawl on the outside. Cena joins in, which allows Sabu to recover from a fucking FIST DROP, and toss a chair at Cena. He can survive falling into barbed, through multiple tables, and broken limbs, but a fist drop? Allah forbid!

Snow, Dreamer, and Sandman help lay Cena on a table on the outside, waiting for Sabu to do a triple jump something or other, but the Raw crew fights them off and Cena canes Sabu as he leaps off. Cena lands a stiff chair shot, and then an FU through the table. The Raw guys toss Sabu back in the ring, and fight off the ECW crew while Cena locks in the STFU for the submission. Sigh.

Winner: John Cena

Let me just say it right here. Fuck that shit.

Cena is strolling in the back, and RVD comes up to him. Basically, RVD grants Cena a title match tomorrow night. Ohh, so THAT’S why Edge didn’t win tonight. Gotcha.

The Spirit Squad (Mikey, Nicky, Johnny, Kenny, Mitch) w/ a Trampoline Vs Degenerated Xanax Users (Shawn Michaels & Triple H) w/o Rick Rude, Chyna, X-Pac, Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, Tori, Stephanie McMahon, Jason Sensation, and Mike Tyson, non-title handicap match

The match starts off with HBK working over Mitch (I just have to mention that “Mitch” just doesn’t gel with the Spirit Squad, because of his name. It sticks out like Jeff Foxworthy at the Apollo, except way more offensive.) Eventually, DX clears the ring of the Squad, and Johnny gets busted open hardway from a punch – the dude is gushing blood from the nose. This, of course, means that Johnny tags in and puts on a freakin’ Karate kid bandana? Huh?

Johnny kicks and poses like a ninja without his Ritalin, so HBK tags in HHH, who clotheslines him. Why didn’t Johnny Lawerence think of that? HHH dominates (*gasp!*), and, uhhh, takes off his pants? This shit is getting disturbing. Seriously.

Mikey in now, and he basically gets destroyed as well. However, HHH goes off the ropes, and Kenny lands a kick, leading to the Squad jumping all over him like a male cheerleading squad on a dick. However, Kenny eats a neckbreaker, and both teams get the tag. HBK clears the ring of the Squad, and lands the big elbow on Mikey. He stomps the foot, but the Squad break it up, and Johnny lands the Johnny-Go-Round spinkick. Nicky gets the tag, but only a 2 count. HBK needs the tag, but Johnny knocks HBK down right before he got to HHH. HBK is whipped off the ropes, and then taken out by the squad. HBK then eats a chair shot, and then an impressive trampoline bulldog (from the outside in), but it only gets two. Triple H throws the trampoline away, and I get mental images of Hunter doing the exact same to his soon-to-be-child’s toys. ALL YOU NEED-UH IS THIS-UH TRIPLE-H BOBBLEHEAD-UH!

HBK now plays the face in peril, taking a bunch of generic rest holds and strikes. Eventually, HBK ducks a charge, and then lands a double DDT to make the hot tag to Triple H. High Knee, Spinebuster,  etc. Hunter goes for the pedigree, but the Squad stops it. DX clears the ring, but HBK ends up outside. They hold him, while Mikey goes airborne with the trampoline, but HBK moves and the Squad are taken out. Sweet Chin Music to Nicky, Pedigree to Kenny, and it’s over. Didn’t deserve t be the main event, at all.

Winners: D-generation X

After the match, more squad members take finishers, and then Mitch joins the “Triple H Kiss My Ass Club”, meaning that Mitch will surely get a push in the next couple of weeks. Oh, and Vince comes out, and says he’ll see them tomorrow night. Uh, yeah?

Show highlight: I’ll give the nod the Edge/RVD match. This is the closest we’ll get to Jerry Lynn/RVD, and that’s a hell of a compliment. Edge truly belongs in the main event, and especially as ECW’s lead heel. I also loved the IC title match, very fun stuff.

Show lowlight: I’ll give the nod to Sabu tapping, and being made to look like shit. If Sabu has to lose, ok, whatever. But at least make him look like a threat, not just when he has the help of 8 or 9 other guys. In a close second place, I’ll say that the handicap match pissed me off, simply because it was the main event instead of the title match. That should never, ever happen.

Overall show thoughts: Good PPV, match wise. No match really stunk up the joint, though a few didn’t belong. (Umaga/Eugene, Kane/Kane, and Foley/Flair was simply angle advancement) I just can’t get over how the WWE can arrogantly bury ECW like this. Did they learn nothing from the InVasion? I’m not sure why the handicap match wasn’t for the tag title, but it’s probably because the belts aren’t good enough for HBK and Triple H, and they didn’t want them to job/not go over clean. Due to the excellent title matches, I’m giving this show thumbs up, but there was definitely some arrogant booking on this show.