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WWE
VENGEANCE
2004
(07/11/04)
 
Hey, there party people, I'm your host Sean Carless, and welcome to Vengeance! A Show that vows unrelenting revenge on its viewers. I was going to ask just how they were going to go about accomplishing this, then I noticed Coach was actually scheduled to WRESTLE here tonight. Mission Accomplished!
 
We are LIVE from Hartford Connecticut! Former home of the Whalers. Wait. Whalers? Huh. If I was Steph, I might not follow the urge to hit the beach at all while here. That name had to be inspired by something. The last thing she'll see is a bunch of angry fisherman running in her direction with spears and a net. It's clearly just not worth it.
 
Anyhoo, before we get to the pay-per-viewy festivities here, I have to apologize in advance, because I'm rockin' a hangover the likes of which people cannot possibly imagine. Well, except maybe Scott Hall. Thankfully, in my case, unlike Scott, I didn't suddenly get the urge to violate the elderly. Although, this might explain why my Grandma never visits here anymore. Can't be too careful. Yup. Anyway, to make a long story short, this recappery is going to be the quick and dirty version. So, stay  tuned for the dreaded half ass. But rest assured, my other cheek will be back in the game soon enough.
 
Onto the show!
 
On Heat: The guy with the huge penis (Val Venis) loses to the guy who looks like one (Tyson Tomko). A kick is involved, but work rate is not.
 
Opening match:
 
Tajiri & Rhyno vs. Garrison Cade & Jonathan Coachman;
 
Just to let you in on what's going down here, Rhino, has been on a QUEST, yes a quest, to find a full-time tag team partner to thwart the evil French duo who nonsensically hate America SO much that they relocated from France to Quebec for reasons that they explained as "we wanted to be closer to America...to thwart it.". Huh. If that's La Résistance's reasoning, why not just move to America then? Is it too much to ask in a sport where a woman barters her boyfriend's life for sex with a demon, that there be some sort of continuity and sense? I'm begging you. Oh, in any event, Rhino looked to have picked Val Venis as his heterosexual life-mate, but that eventually fizzled for whatever reason. Turns out they didn't have much in common. You know, other than goring people with their "horns". That's right.
 
Anyway, since then, Rhino seems to have settled on former partner in arms (albeit not comparable sized ones) in the former "ECW Network",Tajiri. How nice. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope the whole journey would end with an Al Snow/ Rhyno tandem though. My dream of a team called "Al Gore" will have to wait. For now.
 
Anyway, the Network's first test is against the time-tested rock-solid team of... Garrison Cade & Coach? Dear lord. I'm thinking there's probably a better chance of that fucking basketball team that always plays the Globetrotters to pull off a win there, then Coach and Cade have here. And no offense to Cade or anything, but sadly, finding his charisma is like the world’s longest game of "Where’s Waldo?".
 
Anyway, the heels isolate Tajiri for most of the match, until he makes a hot tag to Rhyno, and he destroys everything like a bull in a China shop. Wait. A Rhyno in a China shop. Wait. A RHYNO IN A CHYNA SHOP. That's better. The letter "i" has as much business in the wrestling world as anything ending in the letter "S". (Z's are EXTREME!). The end sees Rhyno gore Cade to the floor after getting Tajiri’s mist in his the face. This then left Coachman to eat a kick of DEATH (if only) to count the lights.
 
Winners: Rhyno and Tajiri, the Japanese Buzzsaw. No word on whether Japanese carpenters actually cut their wood with diminutive Japanese guys with baggy pants. But I'll find out. Definitely.
/5
 
-Backstage, Evolution complains about Eugene, but Hunter says not to worry as he has a Master plan. A Master plan that completely hinges on a retard. Ya, that's a pretty solid plan. I then start to wonder how many other "master plans" went awry thanks to the disabled: Hitler chose to invade Russia as opposed to England, because the mongoloid he befriended said it'd be funner because it was cold there and they could make snowmen. Alexander the Great, rolled into India, because he heard they blatantly refused to create wheelchair ramps and this upset his moral convictions. A deaf guy passed along the vital info of "Beware the ides of March" to Julius Caesar, but read the guy's lips as "Beware the Pies in March" and poor Caesar banned all baked goods for the month, rather than putting on some fucking armor. ALL OF THE FOLLOWING ACTUALLY HAPPENED, and wasn't just a lame way to kill time. Trust me.
 
Just then, HHH sees CHRIS BENOIT conversing with Eugene.  Benoit is apparently bashing Evolution to him. "Eugene, Man came from the inspired image of the Lord... not a monkey!" says Chris. "And they've never even found the bones to conclusively prove their stance! " he continues.  It's then that HHH is thankfully able to pull Eugene away before Benoit debunks the earth being "millions of years old" by telling him the amazing story of Dinosaur Jesus. OK, maybe not. He just said they were all "bad and stuff". I like my version better.
 
 
Chris Jericho vs. Batista;
 
Boy oh boy, Batista had an off night here. It's like Y2J shot him with the De-Evolution gun (HIYO) from the Super Mario Bros. movie. In one night, he almost undid all the progress he's made.
 
Anyway, the story here is that the Raw Animal (maybe he should masturbate with lotion? Oh, JR meant, umm, never mind.) has recently been KILLING PEOPLE DEAD with his clothesline of DEATH and Jericho was his latest victim. Normally, a clothesline that lethal would be from HELL, but apparently Satan only trained JBL to use that move. You know, before inspiring a series of increasingly dangerous steel cages. True story. Anyway, Batista dominates early on, but Y2J rallies after countering out of a Batista-bomb attempt. Soon after, Jericho attempts the LIONSAULT, but Batista spoils the plight of the glorious airborne lion by getting his knees up. If only gazelles and zebras had the same presence of mind to thwart real-life lions when they attempt such aerial wizardry. They'd live longer. Clearly. From there, Jericho regains the advantage with his flying enziguiri, but Dave gets his big inflatable leg on the ropes. Seconds later, Batista catches Jericho with the spinebuster, and gets the demon bomb. Batista then gets the cover and the pin, despite Jericho himself getting his leg on the ropes. That's good enough to see ol' Pseudo Sid here leave the ring a winner, and with a clean pair of underwear to boot. The real Sid sadly could never make that same boast. (seriously.).
 
Winner: The Animal Batista! Just what animal that might be has yet to be fully explained. All I know is, I'd mark if every time Batista's in trouble, a group of PETA activists ran in and made the save for him. Or at the very most tossed paint on his opponents. Yup.
/5
 
-Backstage, we see HHH, Flair and Eugene. HHH tries to make sure he and Eugene are on the same page. HHH then says he has a "present" for Eugene. It turns out to be a Ric Flair robe. Eugene then lets out a wooooo!... before asking if it was the same one Ric wore while he swung his dick for that stewardess. Ok, maybe not.
 
(C) La Résistance version trois vs. "The Dirtiest Retards in the Game" (Ric Flair & Eugene) World Tag team Titles.
 
This was easily the best Ric Flair/Retard pairing since his partnership with Lex Luger in WCW. Or maybe I just wanted to use that line. I don't know. All I do know is, Flair and Eugene actually do have more in common than you'd think. For example, Flair was once a HORSEmen, and Eugene eats gluesticks, which are MADE from HORSES. Coincidence? Pretty much.
 
Anyway, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't tremendous babyface reactions for Flair & Eugene here. Flair was GOLD selling the disbelief as Eugene mimicked every move from the Flair playbook, including the eye-poke, low-blows and even a Flair flop. Funny, whenever I coach a mentally handicapped person into doing evil things, I'm labeled the "bad guy", yet when Flair does it, he's celebrated. One of these days, I'll be acknowledged for my breakthroughs in the handicapped community. One day.  Eugene continues on with the offense, and I laugh at JR putting over that Eugene doesn't know his own strength. Then I remember that the bulk of power lifters in the Special Olympics are mongoloids, and I change my stance. Retards ARE STRONG. There's even been some cases where they can lift a car right off the ground. An ability that'll come in handy next time I'm driving in their direction. That's right. Eventually, Flair tags in and gets a huge reaction as well. He works over both members of La Rez to thunderous applause. He eventually looks to  finish Conway with the figure four, but Grenier sneaks in and breaks that up. Hey, in a side note, did you know Grenier is actually French for "attic"? Seriously it is. Funny, I always assumed it meant back door. Don't ask me why. (like you'd even have to...). After that, Flair gets worked over and plays Ricky Morton (only made completely out of spam) in a long heat segment, until Eugene FINALLY "tards-up" and attacks everyone in sight (including the referee) causing a disqualification.
 
Winners by DQ and STILL Champions: La Résistance, who can now return to Quebec and continue to plot "their revenge" against America. I'd say their title reign is good enough, but hey, what do I know.
/5
 
Kane vs. Matt Hardy w/ Lita w/Rosemary’s baby; No DQ match.
 
Hey, I wonder if they make mesh shirts and thongs in maternity sizes? Guess Lita will find out soon enough.  Anyway, speaking of Lita and the "baby", there’s been a lot of criticism on Lita for giving into Kane's desire to bed her.... and not using a condom. But I doubt she’d be that stupid. You don't house that many luchadors, and not have a ring of condoms in your purse the size of an executive's fucking rolodex. Just saying. Truth be told, since Kane can produce fire from his fingertips at will, it really wouldn’t be too farfetched to assume that his "seed" would likely be the equivalent of piping hot magma, and probably just melted through the prophylactic. It's science. You can't fight it.
 
The bulk of the match saw Kane dominate Matt, but V1 gets the advantage after Kane gets tangled up in the ropes. Hardy goes on offense from there, dropkicking him while he was in that prone state, and hitting him with a top rope legdrop to the back of the head. Hardy then delivers a twist of fate but takes too long to cover, and Kane kicks out. Kane then gets up and gets a sloppy chokeslam out of nowhere. But instead of covering, Kane goes out and gets the steps. However, before he can use them, Lita comes in and nags Kane to put them down. Kane does, and gently puts her out of harms way, because she has his (toasted) bun in the oven after all , and picks the stairs back up. However, in the interim, Matt grabs a chair and clobbers Kane, and the stairs collapse on him and Matt gets the PIN. Seriously. Matt Hardy WINS a match. One he wrestled on a PAY-PER-VIEW. Clearly, the trick to getting booked and pushed is to let an undead monster fuck your spouse. Just then I get the visual of RVD sending naked pictures of his wife to Undertaker and hoping he finds her attractive.
 
Winner: Matt Hardy Veeeeeee oneaaaaaaaaaaah, who is visibly mad at Lita for putting herself in "harm’s way"…. and apparently not for "putting out" for evil monsters. Go figure.
/5
 
Randy Orton vs. Edge Intercontinental Title.
 
JR and King put over "the fact" that "Randy is the longest reigning Intercontinental Champion of the last seven years". Except he's not. The Rock is. Unless, somehow, Orton possesses the ability to travel back in time and erased the Rock completely from history. Which of course, if you've been following my Back-Leg frontkick, you'd find out is INDEED THE CASE. Orton has lost the Intercontinental Title EVERY NIGHT for the last seven months, but  Ric (Doc?) Flair keeps going back in time and changing history, so he retained the belt. He uses a Delorean (and not a limousine or jet. His catchphrase is lie!) to accomplish this goal, which is of course powered by Mr. Fusion. A device that relies on large amounts of discarded food to create energy.  You know, kind of like Stephanie McMahon....
 
Anyway, these two have an excellent match here, in my ever so humble opinion. Edge controls the pace early, and hits a big missile dropkick. He then goes for the spear, but Orton gets his knees up. Orton then hits a crazy neck/backbreaker combo for two. Man, that Orton, he's a man of a thousand holds. Unfortunately though, some nine-hundred of those are chinlocks. Oh well. And speaking of that, Orton applies an extended version to Edge back in the ring after the two had brawled on the floor. After some more back and forth, Orton undoes the turnbuckle which comes into play later. A slew of nearfalls follow as Orton counters a cross body, and Edge hits the Edgecution DDT for another near fall. Orton then goes for the RKO, but Edge pushes off and looks for the spear, but Orton incredibly leap frogs over, and Edge almost hits the exposed buckle. Edge then quickly rams Orton into the VERY BUCKLE HE EXPOSED (Sweet irony~!) and gets the spear and the pin! Normally, Flair would have just used the Delorean again, but he's still stuck in 1885 with bo way to get home at the moment. (don't ask.).
 
Winner and NEW champion: Edge. The man whose patented "spear" has made the HUG lethal. I can just imagine his house around the holidays: "Hey, Adam, come here and give your Mom a big hug! Hey, why are you running? Blargggggggggggggghhh".
/5
 
-Orton is seen backstage, and starts crying in the shock of the moment. That, or the fact that he just realized that the "Pat" his uncle Barry spoke about was the same guy who goes over all his matches with him. Either/or. (Actually that was Terry Garvin. But I'll be damned if facts will ever play a part in my Rants...).
 
Victoria w/hair vs. Molly Holly w/o hair...STILL?
 
It's been like 5 months, why is Molly still bald? Holy shit. I'd get my (luscious, large) ass to a hospital, stat if I was her. This can only end badly.
 
Anyway, Victoria comes out and immediately tears off her pants. Now THAT’S what I like to see from a woman! I always appreciate it when a woman takes the initiative and rips her own clothes off. I always hate having to do that. It's probably because I only have limited time before they wake up as it is. Haha. Anyway, a good little match here, albeit quite short. An argument I hear far too often. *sob*. Molly spends the bulk of the match working Victoria's arm, after she sent her careening into the steps. Eventually, Victoria rallies, and looks to finish with a widow's peak, but Molly escapes, thanks to the wounded arm in a great display of psychology. If only all real-life psychology involved half naked women in spandex squatting and rolling around with one another. I'd have my doctorate by now. You better believe it.  Anyway, since her arms are useless, Victoria simply gets a straight superkick that parts Molly's wig, and gets the pin. You see, it's extra devastating because months and months of dancing so horribly have made the muscles in her legs like spring steel.  So something good has came from it. Clearly.
 
Winner: Victoria. She's not the lady to mess with. Or sadly, dance with.  Besides, you could NEVER keep up. Not unless you have Epilepsy. ;)
 
/5
 
-HHH/ Eugene video package. Hey, you know what this World title match needs? THE FUCKING WORLD CHAMPION, CHRIS BENOIT. Remember him? I guess the reason why he keeps saying "he's for real" is so Creative will realize he actually fucking exists.
 
Triple H. vs. (C)Chris Benoit; World Heavyweight Title.
 
Ah, finally, the main event. HHH vs. Chris Benoit. And the fate of their World is in the hands of a retard.  Huh. Now we know how the military feels right now... 
 
With that said, I think it's safe to say the only thing more fucking exposed than Eugene right now is the Janet Jackson titty. In fact, if WWE's not careful, crowds just might turn on Eugene altogether. And the only remedy will be to have him reveal that he's not really retarded after all. And soon after, Retards the world over will all admit to working us….  revealing that they only rode those short buses because of the comfortable atmosphere and stimulating conversation. While they laugh at us for falling for this ruse, and tipping them 10 dollars for splashing some murky water on your windshield at the stop light! We’re the fools. WE’RE ALL THE FOOLS!.... Umm, what was I talking about again?
 
Oh ya… another good, well paced match; but considering who’s involved, that’s not really a surprise. Lot’s of back and forth here. Benoit gets the sharpshooter relatively early but Trips plays Superman and makes it to the ropes. I then wonder to myself if I found a lone piece of Greenwich Connecticut, and exposed HHH to it, if it would indeed kill him. It's worth a shot.
 
Eventually, the ref gets accidentally bumped, and this is when Eugene makes his appearance. Benoit then gets Triple H in the cross-face, and Benoit screams for Eugene to get the referee, but Eugene refuses. See, even retards know better than to think Triple H will job. This guy will have a job for life here. Rob Van Dam & Chris Jericho should just go get a lobotomy. They'd have more title reigns than Flair by now. Anyway, Benoit releases the hold, and confronts Eugene. HHH then of course knees Benoit and this causes him to collide with Eugene. Ha. Clearly, that's what more sports need. Conveniently placed disabled people. Imagine playing a basketball, and all of a sudden the coach grabs a crippled kid in a wheel chair and rolls him out onto the parquet floor, and the rival team all trips and falls over like bowling pins. It's genius.
 
 HHH then hits the pedigree, and demands Eugene retrieve the ref, which he does. However, Benoit ends up STILL kicking out. FINALLY. The nuclear-like power of the pedigree has been thwarted~! Although, Benoit is already somewhat physically disproportioned anyway, so I guess he's BUILT UP A RESISTANCE TO RADIATION. It all makes sense now! Triple H then grabs a chair from ringside, but Eugene’s inborn sense of fair-play won’t allow him to use it. Benoit then gets a hold of the chair, and Eugene objects as well. What's good for the goose is good for the gander! Whatever the fuck a gander is. With Benoit still in possession of the chair, Flair and Batista both attempt to aid Triple H before Benoit can use it, but they get blasted as a result. Triple H then gives Benoit a shot in the stomach and gets a hold of the chair. Benoit, however, goes low; and with both down, Eugene picks it up and teases hitting both, but ultimately decides not to hit either. Makes sense. After all, how many times did you ever see Corky violently assault anyone?  Anyway, the end comes when Benoit tries to pry the chair from Eugene, and in the ensuing struggle, the chair blasts Triple H! Benoit then rolls up Triple H to retain the Title! LET'S GET RETARDED IN HERE.
 
Winner and STILL Champion by way of retard: Chris Benoit. Who says the handicapped are good for nothing? Oh wait. That was me. (just kidding.).
/5
 
-The show fades out as HHH looks on in anger as Eugene cries and yells "I’m sorry!". Yes. A crying, terrified retard, begging off from an unforgiving blond man with terrible facial hair. The following also describes many situations I find myself in. It's probably also the reason why I'm not allowed to mentor at the community center anymore. And yes, that's how we're going out here....
 
End show.
 
FINAL THOUGHTS: Surprisingly good PPV from top to bottom. I can't really say I was disappointed with anything, outside of maybe Batista tonight, but that's only because he's shown a great deal of improvement lately. Who'd have thunk a show built entirely around guys who think they're computer programs battling for paternity with undead seven foot monsters, bald chicks, and retards betraying their idols would make for good PPV fare? Oh, ya, that was me. But I was wrong. Oh so wrong. And I shall apologize by giving it the approval that only my fat thumb can provide. Thumbs up.
 
I'm Sean.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).