Hey, there party people, I'm your host Sean Carless,
and welcome to Vengeance! A Show that vows
unrelenting revenge on its viewers. I was going to
ask just how they were going to go about
accomplishing this, then I noticed Coach was
actually scheduled to WRESTLE here tonight. Mission
We are LIVE from Hartford Connecticut! Former home
of the Whalers. Wait. Whalers? Huh. If I was Steph,
I might not follow the urge to hit the beach at all
while here. That name had to be inspired
by something. The last thing she'll see is a bunch
of angry fisherman running in her direction with
spears and a net. It's clearly just not worth it.
Anyhoo, before we get to the
pay-per-viewy festivities here, I have to apologize
in advance, because I'm rockin' a hangover the likes
of which people cannot possibly imagine. Well,
except maybe Scott Hall. Thankfully, in my case,
unlike Scott, I didn't suddenly get the urge to
violate the elderly. Although, this might explain
why my Grandma never visits here anymore. Can't be
too careful. Yup. Anyway, to make a long story
short, this recappery is going to be the quick and
dirty version. So, stay tuned for the dreaded
half ass. But rest assured, my other cheek will be
back in the game soon enough.
Onto the show!
On Heat: The guy with the huge penis (Val Venis)
loses to the guy who looks like one (Tyson Tomko). A
kick is involved, but work rate is not.
Tajiri & Rhyno vs. Garrison Cade & Jonathan
Just to let you in on what's going down here, Rhino,
has been on a QUEST, yes a quest, to find a
full-time tag team partner to thwart the evil French
duo who nonsensically hate America SO much that they
relocated from France to Quebec for reasons
that they explained as "we wanted to be closer to
America...to thwart it.". Huh. If that's La
Résistance's reasoning, why not just move
to America then? Is it too much to ask in a sport
where a woman barters her boyfriend's life for sex
with a demon, that there be some sort of continuity
and sense? I'm begging you. Oh, in any event, Rhino
looked to have picked Val Venis as his heterosexual
life-mate, but that eventually fizzled for whatever
reason. Turns out they didn't have much in common.
You know, other than goring people with their
"horns". That's right.
Anyway, since then, Rhino seems to
have settled on former partner in arms (albeit
not comparable sized ones) in the former "ECW
Network",Tajiri. How nice. I'd be lying if I said I
didn't hope the whole journey would end with an Al
Snow/ Rhyno tandem though. My dream of a team called
"Al Gore" will have to wait. For now.
Anyway, the Network's first test is against
the time-tested rock-solid team of... Garrison Cade
& Coach? Dear lord. I'm thinking there's probably a
better chance of that fucking basketball team that
always plays the Globetrotters to pull off a win
there, then Coach and Cade have here. And no offense
to Cade or anything, but sadly, finding his charisma
is like the world’s longest game of "Where’s
Anyway, the heels isolate Tajiri for most of
the match, until he makes a hot tag to Rhyno, and he
destroys everything like a bull in a China shop.
Wait. A Rhyno in a China shop. Wait. A RHYNO IN A
CHYNA SHOP. That's better. The letter "i" has as
much business in the wrestling world as anything
ending in the letter "S". (Z's are EXTREME!). The
end sees Rhyno gore Cade to the floor after getting
Tajiri’s mist in his the face. This then left
Coachman to eat a kick of DEATH (if only) to count
Winners: Rhyno and Tajiri, the
Japanese Buzzsaw. No word on whether Japanese
carpenters actually cut their wood with diminutive
Japanese guys with baggy pants. But I'll find out.
-Backstage, Evolution complains
about Eugene, but Hunter says not to worry as he has
a Master plan. A Master plan that completely hinges
on a retard. Ya, that's a pretty solid plan. I then
start to wonder how many other "master plans" went
awry thanks to the disabled: Hitler chose to invade
Russia as opposed to England, because the mongoloid
he befriended said it'd be funner because it was
cold there and they could make snowmen. Alexander
the Great, rolled into India, because he heard they
blatantly refused to create wheelchair ramps and
this upset his moral convictions. A deaf guy passed
along the vital info of "Beware the ides of March"
to Julius Caesar, but read the guy's lips as "Beware
the Pies in March" and poor Caesar banned all baked
goods for the month, rather than putting on some
fucking armor. ALL OF THE FOLLOWING ACTUALLY
HAPPENED, and wasn't just a lame way to kill time.
Just then, HHH sees CHRIS BENOIT conversing with
Eugene. Benoit is apparently bashing Evolution
to him. "Eugene, Man came from the inspired
image of the Lord... not a monkey!" says Chris.
"And they've never even found the bones to
conclusively prove their stance! "
he continues. It's then that HHH is thankfully
able to pull Eugene away before Benoit debunks the
earth being "millions of years old" by telling him
the amazing story of
Dinosaur Jesus. OK, maybe not. He just said they
were all "bad and stuff". I like my version better.
Chris Jericho vs. Batista;
Boy oh boy, Batista had an off night here. It's like
Y2J shot him with the De-Evolution gun (HIYO) from
the Super Mario Bros. movie. In one night, he almost
undid all the progress he's made.
Anyway, the story here is that the
Raw Animal (maybe he should masturbate with lotion?
Oh, JR meant, umm, never mind.) has recently been
KILLING PEOPLE DEAD with his clothesline of DEATH
and Jericho was his latest victim. Normally, a
that lethal would be from HELL, but apparently
Satan only trained JBL to use that move. You know,
before inspiring a series of increasingly dangerous
steel cages. True story. Anyway, Batista dominates
early on, but Y2J rallies after countering out of a
Batista-bomb attempt. Soon after, Jericho attempts
the LIONSAULT, but Batista spoils the plight of the
glorious airborne lion by getting his knees up. If
only gazelles and zebras had the same presence of
mind to thwart real-life lions when they
attempt such aerial wizardry. They'd live
longer. Clearly. From there, Jericho regains the
advantage with his flying enziguiri, but Dave gets
his big inflatable leg on the ropes. Seconds later,
Batista catches Jericho with the spinebuster, and
gets the demon bomb. Batista then gets the cover and
the pin, despite Jericho himself getting his leg on
the ropes. That's good enough to see ol' Pseudo Sid
here leave the ring a winner, and with a clean pair
of underwear to boot. The real Sid sadly could
never make that same boast. (seriously.).
Winner: The Animal Batista! Just
what animal that might be has yet to be fully
explained. All I know is, I'd mark if every time
Batista's in trouble, a group of PETA activists ran
in and made the save for him. Or at the very most
tossed paint on his opponents. Yup.
-Backstage, we see HHH, Flair and
Eugene. HHH tries to make sure he and Eugene are on
the same page. HHH then says he has a "present" for
Eugene. It turns out to be a Ric Flair robe. Eugene
then lets out a wooooo!... before asking if it was
the same one Ric wore while he swung his dick for
that stewardess. Ok, maybe not.
(C) La Résistance version trois vs. "The Dirtiest
Retards in the Game" (Ric Flair & Eugene) World Tag
This was easily the best Ric Flair/Retard pairing
since his partnership with Lex Luger in WCW. Or
maybe I just wanted to use that line. I don't know.
All I do know is, Flair and Eugene actually do have
more in common than you'd think. For example, Flair
was once a HORSEmen, and Eugene eats gluesticks,
which are MADE from HORSES. Coincidence? Pretty
Anyway, I'd be lying if I said there
wasn't tremendous babyface reactions for Flair &
Eugene here. Flair was GOLD selling the disbelief as
Eugene mimicked every move from the Flair playbook,
including the eye-poke, low-blows and even a Flair
flop. Funny, whenever I coach a mentally handicapped
person into doing evil things, I'm labeled the "bad
guy", yet when Flair does it, he's celebrated. One
of these days, I'll be acknowledged for my
breakthroughs in the handicapped community. One day.
Eugene continues on with the offense, and I laugh at
JR putting over that Eugene doesn't know his own
strength. Then I remember that the bulk of power
lifters in the Special Olympics are mongoloids, and
I change my stance. Retards ARE STRONG. There's even
been some cases where they can lift a car right off
the ground. An ability that'll come in handy next
time I'm driving in their direction. That's right.
Eventually, Flair tags in and gets a huge reaction
as well. He works over both members of La Rez to
thunderous applause. He eventually looks to
finish Conway with the figure four, but Grenier
sneaks in and breaks that up. Hey, in a side note,
did you know Grenier is actually French for "attic"?
Seriously it is. Funny, I always assumed it meant
back door. Don't ask me why. (like you'd even have
to...). After that, Flair gets worked over and plays
Ricky Morton (only made completely out of spam) in a
long heat segment, until Eugene FINALLY "tards-up"
and attacks everyone in sight (including the
referee) causing a disqualification.
Winners by DQ and STILL Champions: La
Résistance, who can now return to Quebec and
continue to plot "their revenge" against America.
I'd say their title reign is good enough, but hey,
what do I know.
Kane vs. Matt
Hardy w/ Lita w/Rosemary’s baby; No DQ match.
Hey, I wonder if they make mesh
shirts and thongs in maternity sizes? Guess Lita
will find out soon enough.
Anyway, speaking of Lita and the "baby", there’s
been a lot of criticism on Lita for giving into
Kane's desire to bed her.... and not using a condom.
But I doubt she’d be that stupid. You don't
house that many luchadors, and not have a ring
of condoms in your purse the size of an executive's
fucking rolodex. Just saying. Truth
be told, since Kane can produce fire from his
fingertips at will, it really wouldn’t be too
farfetched to assume that his "seed" would likely be
the equivalent of piping hot magma, and probably
just melted through the prophylactic. It's science.
You can't fight it.
The bulk of the match saw Kane dominate Matt, but V1
gets the advantage after Kane gets tangled up in the
ropes. Hardy goes on offense from there, dropkicking
him while he was in that prone state, and hitting
him with a top rope legdrop to the back of the head.
Hardy then delivers a twist of fate but takes too
long to cover, and Kane kicks out. Kane then gets up
and gets a sloppy chokeslam out of nowhere. But
instead of covering, Kane goes out and gets the
steps. However, before he can use them, Lita comes
in and nags Kane to put them down. Kane does, and
gently puts her out of harms way, because she has
his (toasted) bun in the oven after all , and picks
the stairs back up. However, in the interim, Matt
grabs a chair and clobbers Kane, and the stairs
collapse on him and Matt gets the PIN. Seriously.
Matt Hardy WINS a match. One he wrestled on a
PAY-PER-VIEW. Clearly, the trick to getting booked
and pushed is to let an undead monster fuck your
spouse. Just then I get the visual of RVD sending
naked pictures of his wife to Undertaker and hoping
he finds her attractive.
Winner: Matt Hardy Veeeeeee oneaaaaaaaaaaah,
who is visibly mad at Lita for putting herself in
"harm’s way"…. and apparently not for
"putting out" for evil monsters. Go figure.
Randy Orton vs. Edge
JR and King put over "the fact" that "Randy is the
longest reigning Intercontinental Champion of the
last seven years". Except he's not. The Rock is.
Unless, somehow, Orton possesses the ability to
travel back in time and erased the Rock completely
from history. Which of course, if you've been
following my Back-Leg frontkick, you'd find out is INDEED THE CASE. Orton has lost the
Intercontinental Title EVERY NIGHT for the last
seven months, but Ric (Doc?) Flair keeps going back
in time and changing history, so he retained the
belt. He uses a Delorean (and not a limousine or
jet. His catchphrase is lie!) to accomplish this
goal, which is of course powered by Mr. Fusion. A
device that relies on large amounts
of discarded food to create energy. You know,
kind of like Stephanie McMahon....
Anyway, these two have an excellent match
here, in my ever so humble opinion. Edge controls
the pace early, and hits a big missile dropkick. He
then goes for the spear, but Orton gets his knees
up. Orton then hits a crazy neck/backbreaker combo
for two. Man, that Orton, he's a man of a thousand
holds. Unfortunately though, some nine-hundred of
those are chinlocks. Oh well. And speaking of that,
Orton applies an extended version to Edge back in
the ring after the two had brawled on the floor.
After some more back and forth, Orton undoes the
turnbuckle which comes into play later. A slew of
nearfalls follow as Orton counters a cross body, and
Edge hits the Edgecution DDT for another near fall.
Orton then goes for the RKO, but Edge pushes off and
looks for the spear, but Orton incredibly leap frogs
over, and Edge almost hits the exposed buckle. Edge
then quickly rams Orton into the VERY BUCKLE HE
EXPOSED (Sweet irony~!) and gets the spear and the
pin! Normally, Flair would have just used the
but he's still stuck in 1885 with bo way to get home at the
moment. (don't ask.).
Winner and NEW champion: Edge. The man
whose patented "spear" has made the HUG lethal. I
can just imagine his house around the holidays:
"Hey, Adam, come here and give your Mom a big hug!
Hey, why are you running? Blargggggggggggggghhh".
-Orton is seen backstage, and starts
crying in the shock of the moment. That, or the fact
that he just realized that the "Pat" his uncle Barry
spoke about was the same guy who goes over all his
matches with him. Either/or. (Actually that was
Terry Garvin. But I'll be damned if facts will ever
play a part in my Rants...).
Victoria w/hair vs. Molly Holly w/o
It's been like 5 months, why is
Molly still bald? Holy shit. I'd get my (luscious,
large) ass to a hospital, stat if I was her. This
can only end badly.
Anyway, Victoria comes out and
immediately tears off her pants. Now THAT’S what I
like to see from a woman! I always appreciate it
when a woman takes the initiative and rips her own
clothes off. I always hate having to do that. It's
probably because I only have limited time before
they wake up as it is. Haha. Anyway, a good
little match here, albeit quite short. An argument
I hear far too often. *sob*. Molly spends the
bulk of the match working Victoria's arm, after she
sent her careening into the steps. Eventually,
Victoria rallies, and looks to finish with a widow's
peak, but Molly escapes, thanks to the wounded arm
in a great display of psychology. If only all
real-life psychology involved half naked women in
spandex squatting and rolling around with one
another. I'd have my doctorate by now. You better
believe it. Anyway, since her arms are useless,
Victoria simply gets a straight superkick that parts
Molly's wig, and gets the pin. You see, it's
extra devastating because months and months of
dancing so horribly have made the muscles in her
legs like spring steel. So something good has
came from it. Clearly.
Winner: Victoria. She's not the lady to mess
with. Or sadly, dance with. Besides, you
could NEVER keep up. Not unless you have Epilepsy.
-HHH/ Eugene video package. Hey, you know
what this World title match needs? THE FUCKING WORLD
CHAMPION, CHRIS BENOIT. Remember him? I guess the
reason why he keeps saying "he's for real" is so
Creative will realize he actually fucking exists.
Triple H. vs. (C)Chris Benoit; World
Ah, finally, the main event. HHH
vs. Chris Benoit. And the fate of their World is in
the hands of a retard. Huh. Now we know how
the military feels right now...
With that said, I think it's safe
to say the only thing more fucking exposed than
Eugene right now is the Janet Jackson titty. In
fact, if WWE's not careful, crowds just might turn
on Eugene altogether. And the only remedy will be to
have him reveal that he's not really retarded after
And soon after, Retards the world over
will all admit to working us….
revealing that they only rode those short buses
because of the comfortable atmosphere and
stimulating conversation. While they laugh at us for
falling for this ruse, and tipping them 10 dollars
for splashing some murky water on your windshield at
the stop light! We’re the fools. WE’RE ALL THE
FOOLS!.... Umm, what was I talking about again?
Oh ya… another
good, well paced match; but considering who’s
involved, that’s not really a surprise. Lot’s of
back and forth here. Benoit gets the sharpshooter
relatively early but Trips plays Superman and makes
it to the ropes. I then wonder to myself if I found
a lone piece of Greenwich Connecticut, and exposed
HHH to it, if it would indeed kill him. It's worth a
Eventually, the ref gets
accidentally bumped, and this is when Eugene makes
his appearance. Benoit then gets Triple H in the
cross-face, and Benoit screams for Eugene to get the
referee, but Eugene refuses. See, even retards know
better than to think Triple H will job. This guy
will have a job for life here. Rob Van Dam & Chris
Jericho should just go get a lobotomy. They'd have
more title reigns than Flair by now. Anyway, Benoit
releases the hold, and confronts Eugene. HHH then of
course knees Benoit and this causes him to collide
with Eugene. Ha. Clearly, that's
what more sports need. Conveniently placed
disabled people. Imagine playing a basketball, and
all of a sudden the coach grabs a crippled kid in a
wheel chair and rolls him out onto the
parquet floor, and the rival team all trips and
falls over like bowling pins. It's genius.
HHH then hits the pedigree, and
demands Eugene retrieve the ref, which he does.
However, Benoit ends up STILL kicking out. FINALLY.
The nuclear-like power of the pedigree has been
thwarted~! Although, Benoit is already somewhat
physically disproportioned anyway, so I guess
he's BUILT UP A RESISTANCE TO RADIATION. It all
makes sense now! Triple H then
grabs a chair from ringside, but Eugene’s
inborn sense of fair-play won’t allow him to use it.
Benoit then gets a hold of the chair, and Eugene
objects as well. What's good for the goose is good
for the gander! Whatever the fuck a gander is. With
Benoit still in possession of the chair, Flair and
Batista both attempt to aid Triple H before Benoit
can use it, but they get blasted as a result. Triple
H then gives Benoit a shot in the stomach and gets a
hold of the chair. Benoit, however, goes low; and
with both down, Eugene picks it up and teases
hitting both, but ultimately decides not to hit
either. Makes sense. After all, how many times did
you ever see Corky violently assault anyone?
Anyway, the end comes when Benoit tries to pry the
chair from Eugene, and in the ensuing struggle, the
chair blasts Triple H! Benoit then rolls up Triple H
to retain the Title! LET'S GET RETARDED IN HERE.
Winner and STILL Champion by way of retard:
Chris Benoit. Who says the handicapped are good for
nothing? Oh wait. That was me. (just kidding.).
show fades out as HHH looks on in anger as Eugene
cries and yells "I’m sorry!". Yes. A crying,
terrified retard, begging off from an unforgiving
blond man with terrible facial hair. The following
also describes many situations I find myself in.
It's probably also the reason why I'm not allowed to
mentor at the community center anymore. And yes,
that's how we're going out here....
FINAL THOUGHTS: Surprisingly
good PPV from top to bottom. I can't really say I
was disappointed with anything, outside of maybe
Batista tonight, but that's only because he's shown
a great deal of improvement lately. Who'd have thunk
a show built entirely around guys who think they're
computer programs battling for paternity with undead
seven foot monsters, bald chicks, and retards
betraying their idols would make for good PPV fare?
Oh, ya, that was me. But I was wrong. Oh so wrong.
And I shall apologize by giving it the approval that
only my fat thumb can provide. Thumbs up.