Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero :
Anyway, this match is for the reinstituted U.S. Heavyweight Title, after SD reactivated the belt when they decided that they'd be damned if RAW had the only second-tier title that no one in the company gave a fuck about. Good for them. For the record, this version of the U.S. Title looks like something puked up by the American Gladiators, then used to block the evil advances of foes of Captain America. I guess they wanted to just hammer home the fact that YES, it is the United States of America this belt is representing. Gotta love WWE stereotyping. If this was indeed a title representing Mexico, it'd be made entirely out of a tortilla, and sadly Big Show would eaten it long before the tournament was ever finished. Wait. What were we talking about again? Oh ya, the match....
Fantastic match that sees lots of false finishes, and off course some well-timed cheating by Eddie who clocked Benoit with the belt; then knocked the referee out from behind, and then left the belt in Benoit's hands thus “framing” him. Some people out there might play devil's advocate and mention that knocking the referee out after YOU'VE ALREADY GOTTEN AWAY WITH CHEATING is kind of counter-productive, but all the people who'd ever notice these things have been driven away completely, and are probably now watching fucking Survivor instead on Thursday's, despite both shows having disturbing similarities. I mean, the exact same scruffy shirtless dudes week in and week out doing cruel things to one another while a camera man is never acknowledged? Come on!
Anyway, in the ensuing chaos, Benoit recovers and actually gets the crossface on Eddie. Eddie then taps, but there's no ref to call it because he's still on siesta courtesy of Eddie earlier. Benoit then releases the hold, applies a German, and goes upstairs for the headbutt. On the way down, Eddie pulls the referee, who's now up, into the path of said headbutt and he gets knocked out AGAIN. Holy shit. If Samuel Jackson wasn't cast as Mr. Glass in Unbreakable, I think we'd have a back-up here. At this point, Rhyno runs in, and actually TURNS ON BENOIT by goring him! Yes! Finally, my dream of a feud where a bear hug for each man would be a physical impossibility is now a reality! Eddie then of course happily capitalizes on the interference and hits the frog splash to win the match and the title!
Winner & NEW U.S. Heavyweight Champion: Eddie Guerrero. Man. 3 Ref bumps total here by my count. If I was this Referee, I'd maybe think of calling the match in one of those big inflatable sumo suits they have at children's birthday parties.
-Backstage, Vince McMahon is seen smelling a large arrangement of roses. GM Stephanie comes in, and Vince says that even he has to stop and smell the roses sometimes. You see, it's hilarious because he literally has roses. Yup. He then says tomorrow night on RAW he'll confront Kane for tombstoning Linda (which marked the first time in 28 years she had her face between a man's legs) and that the roses he has in his hands are not for Stephanie, but Sable. I'd ask why he'd even have to make an excuse for why he wasn't showing a romantic gesture to his own daughter, but this was the same dude who once studied his daughter's breasts in her wedding gown like they were the fucking Dead Sea Scrolls, so never mind.
Billy Gunn w/ Torrie vs. Jamie Noble w/ Nidia; for the right to be humiliated by the cocktease Torrie Wilson on SD in a completely unfunny skit penned by a "really talented" writer that shall remain nameless;
The story behind this one of course is that if Noble can somehow defeat Billy Gunn, by virtue of this win, Torrie Wilson will have to fuck him next Thursday on SmackDown. Haha, only in wrestling could this scenario take place and it not be a laughing stock. Too bad too, because if this was a channel in which you could get laid in real life, you better fucking believe I'd be exploding from the bushes every chance I got, rolling random chick's boyfriends into pinning combinations. That's right.
Anyway, Noble is so confident of his victory here tonight, he has a Halliburton briefcase full of oils and DILDOS (seriously). Man, just a year ago this would have been the ideal wedding gift for the very same Billy Gunn during his man-vows to one Chuck Palumbo. Ass-man indeed.
The crowd is not surprisingly fully behind Jamie Noble here, which looks to baffle Gunn somewhat. Gee, I wonder why. Seeing a jacked-up pretty boy with an unattainable playboy centerfold on his arm? Gee, what guy wouldn't want to cheer Billy? Man, you'd think a woman with absolutely no concept of what men think writes this show or something. Oh.
With that said, this is a relatively short match which saves Billy from his usual post 5 minute blowup. It's true. For a dude that put together, he's like wrestling's version of a fucking Pinto. No wonder he broke up with Chuck. You remember what happens when those things get hit from behind, right?....
Anyway, at one point, Noble looks to have things won after a huge top-rope DDT, but Nidia actually puts Gunn's leg on the rope breaking the count. HOW DARE SHE NOT WANT HER BOYFRIEND TO FUCK ANOTHER WOMAN. Has she no decency? From there, Gunn sells a leg injury, and after some miscommunication, Gunn gets run into Torrie who's standing on the apron and rolled up by Noble!
Winner: Jamie By Gawd Noble. Looks like the red neck will indeed get to put his umm, "purple helmet" in Torrie's "double-wide" this Thursday! There is such a thing as Happy Endings after all! You just have to add another 50 dollars onto the massage bill usually. Not applicable in this match sure, but a good piece of advice for future reference. Trust me.
-Backstage, APA are looking for takers for their Bar Room Brawl and come across Funaki who accepts their invitation. Yup. When you're looking for a good solid fight, whom better than a diminutive Oriental who hasn't won a match in 4 years to test your skills? Jesus.
APA *Invitational* Bar Room Brawl.
You know, between Bradshaw's alleged shower room exploits, and the fact the majority of the dudes involved here weren't wearing pants, you've got to wonder just what kind of bar this was anyway. The only thing missing was a giant birdcage. Anyway, the *official* participants here were of course the APA, all three members of the FBI, Matt Hardy, Orlando Jones, Shannon Moore, Spanky, THE EASTER BUNNY (~!), Doink, The Bashams, Sean O'Haire, The Conquistadors(~!) Matt Capotelli and John Hennigan from Tough Enough 3, Kanyon, Brooklyn Brawler, and finally: BROTHER LOVE.
Anyway, this one was complete chaos, and just about the stupidest way to use Matt Hardy ever. There really was no real structure to the match, so I won't go into play by play, but you get eliminated apparently by being knocked out, and the last man standing is declared the winner. But hey, winning a "bar fight" that involves a clown, an overweight preacher with an apparent blood pressure problem, and a dude in a 7 foot furry costume (not A-Train) isn't exactly going to get you bragging rights, if you ask me. What, you're not asking me? Well, I'll shut up then.
Anyway, Bradshaw ends up being declared the "winner" of this clusterfuck, but not before Brother Love eliminated at least half the participants. And for once, sadly, I'm being completely serious.
Winner: Bradshaw, standing amongst a slew of battered, unconscious half-naked men. Just like how he started his day.
we see Noble excited at the prospect of banging Torrie this Thursday, sniffing the pages of her Playboy. Ah, I can
relate. I too have derived much carnal pleasure from Torrie's issue. Next time though, I'll probably wait until
I get home before I masturbate. That store owner sure didn't seem to appreciate it.
-Backstage, we see Noble excited at the prospect of banging Torrie this Thursday, sniffing the pages of her Playboy. Ah, I can relate. I too have derived much carnal pleasure from Torrie's issue. Next time though, I'll probably wait until I get home before I masturbate. That store owner sure didn't seem to appreciate it.
(C) Bacardi & Cola (Haas & Benjamin) vs. Rey Mysterio & Billy Kidman for WWE Tag Team Championships.
Speaking of Torrie Wilson, her real life significant other, Billy Kidman, gets his chance at WWE Gold here. That just may be enough to wash away the visual of Jamie Noble turning her nether regions into a Wizard's sleeve next week. Poor Billy. I think he just might be the only dude on the roster to not a have an on camera relationship with her in this company. But he shouldn't complain. Usually, chicks don't tend to flock (HIYO) to guys who wear wifebeaters and pick at themselves constantly.
Anyway, great little Tag team Title match here. I just can't say enough about how much Haas & Benjamin have improved in the last 6 months, and I'm really digging the "World's Greatest Tag Team" name bit. I myself thought of taking a page from their book and referring to myself from this point on as "The World's Greatest Human Being", but sadly my awesome new handle has been met with nothing but laughter and ridicule instead of the praise and admiration it should. Go figure.
The definite spot of the night here saw Kidman hit a shooting star press to the arena floor taking out the Champions. Huge pop for that, and just amazing shit all around. Anyway, lots of innovative double teams from there by Kidman & Rey in this one, including an awesome tandem move that saw Kidman launch Mysterio towards Haas who simultaneously takes him over for a huge hurricanrana for about as close a three count as is humanly possible. In the ensuing chaos though, Kidman gets dumped to the floor as Rey attempts a victory roll on Haas; however, he counters, holds him on his shoulders, and Shelton rides him down off said shoulders with an inverted Bulldog for the win.
Winners and still champions: THE WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAM. A "world" where there's only ONE country, mind you, and everything else is just filled with evil foreign guys just asking to be bodyslammed for not being born here. How dare they.
-Uh oh. Up next we have Stephanie vs. Sable. I'm sure this means we'll have to hear about how INSPIRATIONAL she is for standing her ground against Daddy and especially Big Show a few weeks ago. And speaking of Big Show, I'm convinced Show was booked against Steph if only to actually make her look slim in comparison. Kind of like how average looking girls always seem to surround themselves with fat ugly friends to make themselves look better.
-Pre-match vignette. Stephanie and Sable brawl in a private box, after Stephanie snuck in dressed as a waitress. Sable then rams Steph face first into a huge platter of food in perhaps the most ironic move ever. Haha.
Stephanie McMahon vs. Sable; No Holds Used match…
You know that Sable is a lot like a fine wine...Old and not nearly worth the money you pay for it. And Steph?...Well, Steph’s voice in that last montage was a little scary. Stephanie is sounding less like a woman these days, and more like a 14 year old pubescent boy…who’s smoked three cartons of cigarettes for the last 5 years straight. I put sole blame on Triple H. For whatever reason, his seed seems to turn any woman he beds into a really scary dude. My sources tells me Chyna actually looked like Natalie Portman before entering into a relationship with the Game.
Anyway, the less said about this "match" the better. In fact, the only thing it "matches" is probably swirling through the sewer systems right now. With that said, eventually, after approximately ten thousand slaps, Stephanie just ups and rips Sable's shirt off. Why it took 50 years of women's wrestling for someone to think of this, I have no idea. However, before anyone can see any titties, Referee Brian Hebner takes off his shirt and offers it to Sable. Bah. Bret Hart was right. Fuck these Hebners. No wonder Earl was so ready to swear on Brian's life in 1997. Worthless cocksucker. From there, while referee Hebner is thinking of what other clothing he can potentially cover the only woman he's ever seen nude in his life with, A-Train of all people gets involved behind the ref's back, and knocks out Steph with a BODYSLAM, allowing Sable and her partially obstructed silicone missiles to collect the pin.
Winner: Sable. Funny how Sable's been pretty much forced to reenact every single scenario she turned down, and in turn tried to sue the company for "$100,000,000" for in 1999. With that in mind, if I was Sable, I might seriously think about buying my gym bags from the same guy who makes Scott Steiner's hats. The precedent has already been set. It can only get worse from here....
-After the match, Stephanie gets a STANDING OVATION from the crowd..for THIS match. Dear lord. I believe if you check your Revelations, you'll see that this is one of the final signs. Quick, someone look outside and tell me what color the moon is. IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO SAVE YOUR SOULS! REPENT NOW. IT'S NOT TOO LATE~!
-Speaking of Death, we get an Undertaker vs. Cena vignette. Cena is shown violating a gravesite and mocking Death in a burning pentagram. I'd be careful, John. The ol' Reaper hasn't exactly been too kind to Rappers in the last decade....
The Undertaker vs. John Cena;
You know, I was thinking, why does Undertaker even call himself "Undertaker" anymore? He's about the last dude I'd take a dead relative to to get ready for burial. I don't know how well a mortuary headed up by a guy who's covered in tattoos, has tobacco juice dribbling down his chin and calls his hands "soup bones" could possibly do. Of course, it'd be kind of worth it just to see his Ad in the Paper:
Undertaker Mortuary Services
Providing final care for the phony tough & the crazy brave in your life;
Trust The Undertaker with all your loved one’s final needs, as he only eviscerates with the absolute gentlest of "Soup bones."
13 years and counting, the “Reaper of Wayward Souls” has been a face you could trust in the burgeoning
Undertaker Funeral home is also a family owned and operated business, as Undertaker’s brother Kane personally handles all the cremations and preparation of female customers. And to his credit, The Big Red Machine has only violated one corpse in the 2003 fiscal year! We DARE you to get the same guarantee from our competitors!
So when life is about to pass you by, accept no substitutes. Choose Undertaker Mortuary Services. We’ll Urn your trust.
Anyway, a victory for Cena here would mean so much right now as he has yet to completely breakthrough to top tier, but unfortunately this is Taker, so it doesn't happen. Anyway, Undertaker sells the ribs in this one, as they were recently "injured", and Taker even does the old Ken Shamrock condom full O'blood spot, which in the past was just relegated to having relations with a woman with braces. That's right. Anyway, Cena looks like he has things sewn up after the F-U… but Taker kicks out...even after Cena struck him with a Chain in his "injured" ribs first! Come on. Cena then stupidly go for punches in the corner which of course is second only to trying to TOMBSTONE Undertaker as the single dumbest possible thing you can do to him in a match. Of course, Taker counters Cena's punches and delivers a modified Last Ride to get the pin, and "put over" Cena; if your definition of "put over" is the complete opposite of everyone else on fucking earth. But if it is, Taker did an admirable job. (just about the only 'job' you'll ever see his ass do, sadly).
Winner: That young buck The Undertaker. This kid's really going places. I guarantee it. Ah, I kid, Taker. I love him. Even if he doesn't put anyone over; and if he finally does, he always wins the big blow-off match that everyone remembers. Poor Cena. I guess when he told Taker that "you can't see me", Taker had the power to literally make that happen. Say "hi" to the guys on Velocity! (OK, OK, I know that won't actually happen; but damn it, I really wanted to use that joke...)
-Video package for Zach Gowen. We see footage of him being humiliated by Sable at the bequest of Vince. But he did get to feel her up and see her naked first. Ya, the joke's really on Zach here, Vince. I can only hope that one day I piss off someone so bad that they want "Embarrass" me by letting me fuck their girlfriends. Anyway, the segment was completely comical as Zach's acting was as wooden as his choice of surrogate appendages.
Vince McMahon vs. Zach Gowen w/ leg, and now w/o leg
Apparently, this match originally was going to be Vince vs. Mr. America in a mask vs. hair match, to conclude Vince's insane quest to once and for all prove that Mr. America was indeed Hulk Hogan. Like the giant yellow mustache billowing out of the mask, and him ending every sentence with either "brother" or "dude" wasn't enough. Man, that's like throwing a Lone ranger mask on that fucking kid from MASK and then claiming you don't recognize him. Anyhoo, needless to say, Hogan left WWE, and this left Zach to fill his umm, shoe.
With that said, surprisingly, Zach wrestles the entire match without his prosthetic. And I laugh to myself at the prospect of the referee counting him out because the leg is still outside the ring. I’m stupid like that. Anyway, after an early beating by Vince, Zach wows the crowd with a one legged Asai moonsault, which would be a crescent moonsault, I guess? I don’t know. Vince eventually takes control and works the remaining leg. Gowen ends up battling back and working over Vinnie's leg, thus evening the contest. Zach then hits another moonsault but Vince gets his foot on the ropes. Vince, frustrated, gets a chair but Zach hits the Van- umm, Amputator? and Vince is busted wide open. Zach then attempts another moonsault, but this time it misses. A groggy Vince then rolls on top for the somewhat anticlimactic pin.
Winner: Vince McMahon, who just might be the only Billionaire C.E.O. who can abuse a handicapped teenage boy and not have anyone bat an eye. Perhaps he's opened some new doors for others. I guess we'll find out if he is indeed a trailblazer if we read that Donald Trump has thrown someone with down's syndrome from his office window, or Rupert Murdoch ran over someone with MS with his limo. Vince is a pioneer. Clearly.
-After the match, Zach gets a standing (hopping?) ovation. But you know, this crowd hasn't exactly set the best precedent for these tonight. But still, hats off, and legs too, to this courageous athlete.
-Backstage, Josh Matthews is standing by with new U.S. Champion, Eddie Guerrero; asking him about his title win tonight and if he feels it's somewhat tainted. "With enemies like that who needs Friends" he says. He then says this is the reason he has no friends; although, I'm starting to suspect it's because his back is more acne riddled than my 15 year old cousin and no one has the balls to tell him. People don't tend to give you well wishes and a congratulatory pat on the back when said back looks like a Nestle Crunch bar. Just saying.
(C) Brock Lesnar vs. Big Show vs. Kurt Angle; WWE Championship Triple threat match;
You know, if you had told me last year that the ring had exploded and collapsed when Big Show was last wrestling Lesnar, I'd have told you that maybe God was trying to tell him something. But Show has really impressed me lately. And I don't think I need to put over Kurt & Brock. So I'll just make fun of them instead. Haha. All kidding aside, their "friendship" over the last couple of weeks has been the most fucking ridiculous thing EVER. Monsters like Brock should not smile, and they definitely shouldn't fucking drink milk and eat cookies. Holy shit. Why not just complete the circle and have Goldberg over on RAW start wearing one of those beanies with the propellers on top, and start saying things like "Gee Willickers". Dear Lord.
Anyway, this of course is a triple threat match, and although there are three men involved, they will all pair off with one another as they interchange, leaving the 3rd guy recovering, usually on the floor…and usually for impossibly long periods of time. I mean, seriously, there's some dude's out there in comas right now who have since recovered, cleaned themselves up, checked out, went back to work, fathered a few children, put them through school, then retired to a quaint Florida retirement community in less fucking time it took one guy to recover in a WWE triple threat match... but now that I've said that, allow me to put this match over, as it was the fucking balls I tell you. Just awesome stuff.
The two biggest spots of the match saw Angle hit an Angle Slam on Show through the Spanish Announce table, as Hugo and Carlos just shrug their shoulders; the other was (and I'm not kidding here) a fucking RUNNING powerbomb by Brock onto BIG SHOW! …and with relative ease mind you. This guy is a freak, smile as much as you fucking want, Brock, I apologize. Anyway, the end sees Angle bring a chair into the ring and beat the shit out of Lesnar with it. He then hits an Angle slam on Show and then Lesnar again, and cleanly pins Brock for his 4th WWE Title.
Winner and NEW WWE Champion: Kurt Angle. Don't get me wrong, Angle as Champ is awesome, but if you were going to have Angle pin Brock for the Title anyway, why did you need Big Show? Why not just have it be a one on one match? And more importantly, why am I still demanding sense from this company? This was a show that saw Stephanie McMahon get a standing ovation, remember? Somewhere, I think Chris Benoit is crying over that one. Then he of course asks someone in the locker room to wipe away the tears because he can't reach them. And yes, that's how we're wrapping up here. Haha.
FINAL THOUGHTS: When was the last time you could say that you had 3 potential Match of the year candidates on one show? Every match at least lived up to expectations, and some surpassed it, and at the end of the day, that's all you can ask. Big Ol' thumbs up here. And one penis for Torrie Wilson. Just because.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).