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 Welcome To The Vault! In This Edition, Harry Simon Goes Back To Yesteryear To Bring Us Battle Of The WWF Superstars 1990!

BATTLE OF THE WWF SUPERSTARS 1990

Coliseum Video:  BATTLE OF THE WWF SUPERSTARS 1990

Approx running time: 2 hrs

Approx time period covered: 1989 – 1990

Released: 1990

Host: “First Lieutenant” Sean Mooney

 

This may be the single gayest thing I’ve ever seen on a Coliseum video.  This tape was hosted by Mooney, who was dressed up in camouflage battle togs complete with face paint.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, Mooney was doing the world’s worst Sgt. Slaughter impression, firing off every lousy “war” pun in the book.  Mooney growled out a preview of the matches on this video, then tripped in his “foxhole.”

 

1) Rhythm & Blues (w/ Jimmy Hart) b The Bushwhackers via CO [4/30/90].  There are better ways to kick off a tape.  Like, well, just about anything.  This match was what you’d expect it to be (i.e., “terrible”).  Finish saw Luke stop Honky from attacking Butch with a chair and chase him back to the locker room.  Valentine was the legal man, so Luke was counted out.  Luke ran back in time to save Butch from a Valentine attack (damn, Butch’s name might as well have been “Lois Lane” for this match).  Anyway, the ‘Whackers ran off good ol’ Boxcar and celebrated their loss.  (Chris)

 

Lord Al recapped the eight-man tournament for the vacant IC title that was ordered after The Ultimate Warrior vacated the strap once he won the World title from Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VI.  Trivbit: This may have been the only tournament in WWF history that didn’t actually have a semifinal round.  Curt Hennig caused a draw in the Brutus Beefcake vs. Dino Bravo, while Roddy Piper vs. Rick Martel was another draw.  As a result, both Mr. P and Tito Santana got a bye straight into the finals.

 

2) Curt Hennig b Tito Santana in a tournament final to win the vacant IC title [4/23/90].  Good stuff.  This was the best Tito looked in a while, and it was Hennig at his peak.  Bobby Heenan came down to ringside as Santana worked over Hennig’s leg, perplexing the announcers.  Hennig got a small package out of a figure-four for a nearfall.  Heenan jumped up on the apron to distract Santana, leading to Hennig giving Santana a second small package for the pin.  For some reason, Hennig was actually presented with one of the Tag Team title belts.  Hennig took the mic and officially announced that Heenan was his new manager, which sealed the deal on one of my favorite manager/wrestler combos ever.  Good match, great angle.  (David)

 

Back to Lieutenant Gooney.  Did I mention that he cut his own hand with his machete?  Next time do us all a favor and aim for the wrists, Sean.

 

Oh, yippee.  It’s a Profile on Dusty Rhodes.  Dusty cuts an incomprehensible promo, even for him.  Something about his own daughter being frightened by the sight of him.

 

3) Dusty Rhodes (w/ Sapphire) b Akeem (w/ Slick) via CO [2/19/89].  On commentary, Heenan fired off his classic line “Sapphire’s good to have at picnics (because) she keeps the flies off the food.”  That was it for the insightful commentary, as Gorilla pointed out that both wrestlers and both managers liked to dance.  “That’s exactly right,” agreed announcer #3, Hillbilly Jim.  Help me.  I’m in Hell.  The low point of Slick’s career (!) was when Sapphire butt-bumped him out of the ring.  Awful, awful match.  You know, there was a 1990 All Japan match with Giant Baba & Andre The Giant vs. Demolition.  The urban legend is that if you watch that match in fast-forward, it almost looks like the guys are moving at normal speed.  This Dusty-Akeem abortion was a lot like that.  Akeem finally went after Sapphire at ringside, culminating with Slick accidentally giving a high knee to his own man, allowing Dusty to beat the count back in.  Sweet merciful crap, did this ever suck.  (Chris)

Wrestlecrap alert!  Dusty’s “Common Man” butcher shop skit.  This was one of those over-the-top hokey sketches showing Dusty working at a variety of day jobs.  Dusty introduced us to Ernest the butcher and they actually had less chemistry than Dusty and Sapphire.  “Ernest, tell ‘em about this veal,” Dusty prodded.  “That’s a nice leg of veal,” Ernest told us.  I’m still in Hell.  “You can’t beat my meat,” Dusty proudly concluded.

 

4) Dusty Rhodes b Big Bossman (w/ Slick) by DQ [8/9/89].  This was one of Dusty’s first WWF feuds, kicked off when Dusty blindsided Bossman and stole his nightstick after a TV squash match.  Here’s the thing I could never figure out: After that angle, Dusty would show up for his matches with the stick and a police hat.  When did Bossman ever wear a police hat?  Credit where it’s due, Dusty’s legendary psychology was out in full force.  Unfortunately, so was Dusty’s legendary offense, selling, and overall workrate (this was the BAD kind of “legendary”).  After a whole lotta nothing, Dusty hit the bionic elbow, but Slick broke up the pin.  Dusty made his own comeback.  Blah.  (Chris)

Wrestlecrap alert!  Dusty’s “Common Man” horse stable skit.  Dusty talked lovingly about his horse’s digestive system.  Dusty then detailed his environmental agenda, as he planned to regrow the world’s trees with horse poop.  This was the infamous “Doo-doo is good for me, and doo-doo is good for you” abomination.

 

5) Dusty Rhodes (w/ Sapphire) b Randy Savage (w/ Sherri) via CO [2/13/90].  Savage made this watchable.  In case I haven’t mentioned it in the last five minutes, Savage was DA MAN in his day.  Finish saw Sherri’s interference backfire, leading to Dusty KO’ing Savage with her loaded purse for the CO.  Amazing crowd heat as the fans counted to ten with the ref and popped for the win like Dusty won a title.  Not the World title, but maybe the Western States Heritage title.  Dusty then cut the single most disturbing promo in WWF history, calling Sherri a “streetwalker from the street” and challenged her to a fight with Sapphire, saying “if you want some o’ my brown sugar, get yo’ big ass in here and get it!”  Sapphire then hit Sherri with the purse and Sherri sold it like she’d been shot.  (David)

 

We’re back to Major Dumbass, and suddenly I find myself wishing there was a fourth Dusty match.

 

Next up was an incredibly stupid segment with Lord Al showing us how they put up a ring.  His Lordship told us that “the chaps are in a hurry,” so the video kicked into like 100x speed, with the ring going up and the fans filing in, all in the space of about 30 seconds.  Not interesting, not funny, not worth the two minutes of my life I spent watching it.

 

6) The Genius b Jim Neidhart [1/15/90].  Awkward moment during Lanny’s pre-match poem, as he looked like he was about to recite another verse, then stopped himself, and handed the mic back to Howard Finkel.  More of that great Coliseum continuity as Gorilla couldn’t figure out what Curt Hennig saw in Genius.  Didn’t Hennig hire Heenan as his manager four matches ago?  Try and keep up with yourselves, guys.  Genius was a great heat machine in his day, doing cartwheels and ballet poses.  Even Hillbilly Jim was outraged on commentary.  Genius made this match, bumping his ass off for the Anvil.  They did a chase, and Genius tied up the ref while Hennig ran-in out of nowhere and punched Neidhart.  Neidhart sold it big, and Genius got the pin.  Why is it that a simple punch from someone not in the match does like a hundred times more damage than a punch from your opponent?  Okay match.  (David)

 

Gooney is struggling with a mailbox, and it finally pops open, with postcards flying all over the place.  It’s a good thing I wasn’t drinking milk when I watched this.  You see, my nostrils are lactose-intolerant.

 

7) Jake Roberts b Ted DiBiase in a no-DQ match with Virgil barred from ringside [12/28/89]. The Jake-DiBiase feud was a guilty pleasure of mine, as these guys both had great psychology and played off each other great.  Jake worked over DiBiase’s arm for the first half of the match until DiBiase took over and slapped on a long chinlock.  Then another.  DiBiase got the million-dollar dream, but Jake made the ropes.  Jake came back and hit a great high knee off the second rope.  Next was the short-arm clothesline and the crowd was rabid for the DDT.  Jake hit his move, and pinned DiBiase in something of a shocker, considering Jake’s track record.  Wow, Jake won clean with his finisher.  That’s one more big name guy than Jake pinned in his own entire video.  After the bell, Virgil ran-in and helped DiBiase escape.  Good match.  (David)

 

Special feature: WWF Trivia.  Oy, gevalt.  High-end questions like “What was the first match at Wrestlemania 1?” and “What rank did Coliseum Video give to Sean Mooney?”  That’s right, kids.  Garbage like “What is the name of Sean Mooney’s identical twin brother?” actually passed for wrestling trivia before I came along and asked stuff like “Which tag team beat the crap out of Shawn Michaels in 1995?”  I’d beat this dead horse all day, but some of us have REAL trivia questions to write.  I don’t ask much from you people, but if you rent this tape and get any of Coliseum’s softballs wrong, you are hereby exiled from this site forevermore.  I have spoken.

 

8) World champion The Ultimate Warrior b IC champion Hennig to retain the World title.  The IC title was not at stake [5/15/90].  Old matches like this really make you appreciate what a good bumping heel could do to make a Warrior match worthwhile.  This was when Hennig was one of the four heels in the federation who could carry UW to a good outing (Rick Rude, Savage, and DiBiase being the other three).  I bet you could call every spot in this match if you tried.  Go ahead try it.  Yup.  Right again.  Uh huh.  You know it.  Yeah, he kicked out of the Perfectplex and pinned Hennig with the splash.  Yes, I hate the Warrior too.  True, I’m going to complain about Mooney some more.  Okay, you can stop calling spots now.  Good match, thanks to Hennig.  (David)

 

Mooney signs off by saluting with a gun in his hand, and of course, he smacks himself in the head and falls over backwards.  For the love of God, I hope no one ever actually watched this tape with a gun of their own.  They’d either go Elvis on a perfectly good TV or become a de facto Von Erich cousin.

 

Overall over-analysis:  While there was a handful of worthwhile stuff (Jake-DiBiase, Hennig matches), the bad stuff kills it deader than dead.  The Dusty sketches should have been buried forever, and “First Lieutenant” Sean Mooney may have been Coliseum’s single worst gimmick ever (and that covers a lot of ground).

 

Grade: F

 

-HS-

 

(Match dates courtesy of www.prowrestlinghistory.com)

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).