Approx running time: 80 min Approx time period covered: 80s Released: 1987 Host: Mean Gene Okerlund The
tone for the tape is set as Gene segues into the first batch of bloopers, featuring himself and Lord Alfred Hayes. A
clip aired of “Million-Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase throwing money at the fans and taking pleasure in the sight of
them fighting over it. 1)
Chris Curtis squashed Mr. More
wacky bloopers with Gene and Al. These weren’t funny, as it was just the
guys getting tongue tied and blanking on their lines. 2)
Jesse Ventura killed Steve Lombardi [JIP; ?/84]. Squash-o-rama. Next
up was A
brief clip aired with Hulk Hogan vs. Randy Savage. Savage attacked Hogan before
the bell, still decked out in his sunglasses and robe. After Hogan’s 20
seconds of selling were up, he took over on Savage and put on his sunglasses and pranced around. End scene. I’m sure the full Hogan-Savage match blew
away any other match on this video. They do stuff like this to torture us. The
Fabulous Moolah celebrated Halloween on Next
was a creepy segment with Hogan playing bartender on A
brief feature aired on guest referees. First up was a clip of Gorilla Monsoon
officiating a World title match with Superstar Billy Graham defending against Bruno Sammartino. The only thing they show is the spot where Graham tries to run away, but is hauled back to the ring by
a Gorilla fireman’s carry. This match is on the Grudge Matchesvideo (it’s clipped, but all the good stuff is there). 3)
Andre The Giant & Rocky Johnson beat The Magnificent Muraco & Big John Studd.
Swede Hanson was special referee [JIP; ?/80s]. The other “guest referee” clip.
Finish saw Swede plant Muraco with the “Swede slam,” setting up Johnson’s pin. (David) 4)
Hulk Hogan & Gene Okerlund beat George Steele & Mr. Fuji [Clipped; 8/26/84]. Gene introed this match by saying, “I can’t
resist showing you once again just a small piece of myself in the ring against Mr. Fuji.” Ye Gods, man! Children are watching this! You just keep your small pieces to yourself, buddy. Anyway,
this piece of steph was the lousy match where Hogan slammed Okerlund on The
next series of bloopers starred Vince McMahon. He kept screwing up his lines,
probably because he was strung out on Hogan’s Python Pack. Just tell them
you were jonesing on protein, Vince. They’ll understand. Apathy is my anti-drug. Next
up was a time capsule featuring “Terrible” Terry Funk having fun by spitting tobacco at the camera and mauling
ring announcer/known pedophile Mel Phillips. Funk rules now, he ruled then, and
he will continue to rule long after the universe ceases to exist. He’ll
still be taking bookings by then, too. 5)
Terry Funk (w/ Jimmy Hart) pinned Junkyard Dog [11/2/85 Saturday Night’s Main Event]. By standards of the time, Funk took a sick bump when JYD slammed him over the top rope directly
onto the concrete floor (this was pre-blue-mats, too). Both Terry and Jimmy bumped
and sold for JYD at every opportunity, making Dog look like a million bucks. Funk’s
one serious offense spot was when he locked Dog in a sleeper (which Dog quickly reversed, natch). Hart distracted JYD, causing him to release the sleeper. As
JYD roughed up Hart, Hart pitched his megaphone in the ring. Funk nailed JYD
with the megaphone and got the pin. Funk then tried to use his branding iron
on JYD, but JYD made his own save. Next came the famous spot where Funk and JYD
got into a tug-of-war over Jimmy Hart, with JYD depantsing Hart for a monster pop. JYD
then used the branding iron on Hart’s butt and the fans went berserk. Great
80s TV match with both wrestlers gaining something. Funk went over, but JYD got
his heat back and then some. (David)
[Note: This match also aired on Grudge Matches.] Gene
and Al are at it again. This time, Principal McVicker tells them that they can’t
laugh in class anymore, so the lads are forced to – No, wait. That was
an episode of “Beavis & Butt-head.” And it was written better
and funnier than anything on this dog of a tape. Next
was the angle where Ted DiBiase and Virgil walked into a hotel and asked for a room.
That’s how rumors get started, fellas. DiBiase wanted the Honeymoon
Suite, but it was occupied. After some haggling, DiBiase bribed the clerk into
kicking a couple out of the Honeymoon Suite. This was one of those over-the-top
angles where DiBiase was so awesome as the evil rich guy, it couldn’t help but get him over huge. Lanny
Poffo cut a poem on DiBiase before a squash match. DiBiase wasn’t amused. Sadly, they didn’t show this match either, which was actually a good TV squash
from two of the better wrestlers to grace WWF rings in the 80s. 6)
Andre The Giant fee-fi-fo-fum’ed The Black Demon [JIP; 3/17/81]. Total Andre squash, ending with the big boot.
As Andre signed autographs for children around ringside, Demon attacked him.
Andre responded by grabbing Demon by the mask, headbutting him, and beeling him across the ring, yanking the mask right
off his head in the process. Demon grabbed a nearby towel to hide his shame and took off. Rick Martel and Tony Garea ran in the
ring to congratulate Andre on ruining poor Demon’s career. Heartless bastards! (Waldo) [Note: This angle also aired
on Best Of The WWF, Volume 2.] Another
angle aired, involving Hogan and Adrian Adonis. The Adorable One ran-in while
Hogan was wrestling Savage in the Boston Garden. (They didn’t show this
match, either.) Naturally, Mr. Python Pack fended both off single-handedly, and
ripped Adrian’s dress off, leaving him running for cover in his bra and slip.
Was it really possible for Adonis to be embarrassed by anything at this stage of his career? Still
more Gene and Al. Al was wielding a cricket bat while Gene was carrying a plunger. Out of nowhere, the two just started laughing for no apparent reason. Hell, maybe this WAS “Beavis & Butt-head.” All
they’d need is for Sean Mooney to crash the scene in a Winger t-shirt. Next
up was a feature chronicling Paul Orndorff firing his manager Bobby Heenan not once, but twice. In 1985, “Mr. Wonderful” canned Heenan on More
unfunny bloopers from Vince. They left out the blunder where he conceived Stephanie,
though. 7)
George Steele beat Harley Race by DQ [?/87]. Gene proudly introed this as “the WWF’s most embarrassing match.” See, Gene wasn’t always dishonest. It was 10 years later
that Gene realized he could make more money off the biz by lying about news stories on his hotline. Typical “retard” Steele match from the 80s. Lots
of biting, lots of chasing, no wrestling. Finish saw Race give Steele three of
the lightest chairshots you’ll ever see for the DQ. Steele chased off Race,
and claimed Race’s crown for himself. This was the low point of Race’s
storied career. (kevin) The
next witless blooper has the cameraman screwing with Gene by tilting the camera. Gene
jokingly invited the crew to fornicate with themselves. Gee, you’d think
a “SummerSlam” sign fell down behind him. 8)
The Dynamite Kid pinned Nikolai Volkoff in the first round of a 16-man tournament [11/7/85 Wrestling Classic PPV]. Volkoff sang the Russian
anthem and began berating the crowd. Soon as the bell rang, Dyno climbed to the
top rope and drilled Volk with that classic flying dropkick of his for the quickie pin.
This was the best six-second squash ever...but it was still a six-second squash. (Waldo) Next
was the conclusion to the “Battle for Bam Bam” angle that played out over months of build-up on WWF TV. Bam Bam Bigelow was coming to the WWF, and all the managers wanted his services. Such “bidding war” angles were common for 80s WWF, as it immediately established a new wrestler
as a hot property. Both Randy Savage (who wound up with Elizabeth) and Brutus
Beefcake (who signed with Johnny V) entered the company in such a manner. Slick
was the last manager standing in the competition after Johnny V, Bobby Heenan, Jimmy Hart, and Mr. Fuji were all eliminated
from contention week by week. (It was the original reality show!) Slick and his charge, Nikolai Volkoff showed up on the classic WWF interview podium to gloat and introduce
BBB to the fans. However, Oliver Humperdink showed up instead and insisted it
was HE who would introduce Bigelow. Bigelow came out and cut a great intense
debut promo. BBB punched out Volkoff and announced that Hump was his new manager. The fans ate it up, and I really thought Bigelow was going someplace. Apparently, so did Hogan, who purportedly triple-squelched Bammer before 3B could pose a threat to Hogan’s
spot as #1 babyface. Now
it was time for a live Piper’s Pit from MSG. Roddy’s guests were
two fans (cough*plants*cough) who heaped insults upon “Hot Rod” and basically, almost killed his whole gimmick
right then and there. Vince, what were you thinking? Oh, you weren’t thinking, you say? That explains it.
You know what? Maybe protein addiction
is the best choice for you, buddy. Go nuts. Not
enough Piper’s Pit for you? Fear not, true believer! Piper welcomed “Living Legend” Bruno Sammartino to the live Pit. After a good back-and-forth round of verbal abuse, Piper called Bruno a “stupid wop,” and a
brawl ensued. Remember this one the next time RP refutes Bad News Allen’s
claim that he’s a racist. Filling
out the Piper trifecta was a clip from a tag match pitting Piper & Bob Orton against Sammartino & Orndorff. On a sunset flip attempt, Orn yanked down Piper’s trunks for a moon shot. Unfortunately, my legs are under my desk as I type this, which prevents me from slapping my knee at such
comedic gold. Had
enough of the Vince bloopers yet? Me too, but that didn’t stop them. At least this was the last installment of the Vince McMahon Powerful Python Pack Bender
Of 1987. 9)
Brutus Beefcake & Greg Valentine (w/ Johnny V & Dino Bravo) beat Jacques & Raymond Rougeau with a Nasty finish
[JIP, WM3; 10)
Beefcake squashed Johnny V [JIP; ?/87]. All that aired was the finish, as Beefcake KO’ed Johnny with a sleeper, then cut his hair into a
mullethawk. This was the first televised instance of Bruti doing the “Barber”
gimmick. (Mike) Next
was a collection of nonsense from the first Slammy Awards in 1985. Gorilla walked
out on stage with his fly open, Roddy destroyed the podium, Volkoff won a Slammy for “Most Ignominious,” and JYD
once again subjected Jimmy Hart to an “Oz”-like depantsing. I’ve
come to expect male-on-male action from Coliseum, but what’s with all the anti-Volkoff propaganda on this tape? Christ,
isn’t this thing done yet? This is the hardest I’ve ever worked to
review an 80-minute video. Okay, now Andre The Giant is visiting Ventura’s
“Body Shop.” Jesse did what he could, insisting that he heard Andre
was retired. Andre no-sold Jesse’s comedy, stating that he had, in fact,
not retired. You tell him, ‘Dre.
Andre started playing with Jesse’s feathered boa, causing Jess to understandably freak out. At least Jess didn’t call Andre, “Jack.” So
I guess the point of this was to show us that Jesse had “Jack”ed-off over the course of this video. One
last look at DiBiase. This was the famous “basketball clinic” angle
where DiBiase picked a kid out of the audience and offered him $500 if he could dribble a basketball 15 times. Of course, DiBiase kicked the ball away at 14. Another great
angle that got the Time
for the longest, unfunniest “blooper” yet. Gene asked for his mother
to join him in celebrating the four-year anniversary of All-American wrestling. A
woman who I highly doubt was Gene’s real mother walked into view with a small cake, but director Kevin Dunn shoved her,
causing her to stumble and mash the cake into Gene. Gene made a disgusting, lewd
comment that he breast fed until he was four. I couldn’t put my finger
on it, but I just knew that we’d been missing something up to this point. INCEST!! I shoulda guessed. As
Gene started the final segment, the camera panned down to show that Gene’s fly was open.
Gene said “so long” to the fans. Just keep telling yourself
that, Mama’s Boy. Overall
over-analysis: No new matches, few full matches, no particularly great matches.
If you’re one of those easily-amused people who laughs at stuff like Jericho peeing in a teapot, the stinkface,
or just basically, any lowest-common-denominator stuff, I’m sure you’ll like this tape. That is both your crime and your punishment. This
Observer’s Thumb……………….is WAY down. -HDS- All match dates courtesy of www.prowrestlinghistory.comWRESTLING’S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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