Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum
Welcome To The Vault! In This Edition, Harry Simon Goes Back To Yesteryear To Bring Us Wrestling's Living Legend Razor Ramon!



Approx running time: 2 hrs
Time period covered: 1993 – 1994
Released: 1994
Hosts: Gorilla Monsoon & Stan Lane

The video opened with Da Bad Guy sauntering into an arena. He said that he could hear Lex Luger’s music, which meant that it was time for some WWF action. The nerve. Hey, chico, try showing up to work on time sometime. I don’t show up halfway through a review, write up the last two matches and call it a day, do I? It’s called “professionalism.” And wear a freakin’ shirt, Fuzzy Wuzzy! No wonder the company now has a dress code.

Gorilla and Sweet Stan officially welcomed us to the party. Gorilla pontificated that Razor cut his teeth in the barrios of Miami. Well, I guess that’s a better story than “Razor once wrestled in cowboy boots a big poofy afro in Minnesota before getting a micro-push as an alligator wrestler in Georgia.”

1) Razor Ramon pinned Bam Bam Bigelow (w/ Luna Vachon) at 8:51 [5/23/94]. Gorilla and Stan had the worst banter of any announce team in Coliseum Video history. Gorilla jovially grilled Stan about his invite to Bammer and Luna’s impending “wedding.” Stan ran with it by suggesting that he was getting them a gift certificate to “Tattoos R Us.” Give them a talking dog, and they could have a sitcom! On Lifetime. Anyway, this was a decent big man match until they killed it dead with a BBB chinlock. After a couple minutes of that, the only heat left was the embroidered flames on BBB’s tights. Bam tried to put away Razor with his own finisher, the Razor’s edge, but Razor escaped and got a nearfall after a belly-to-back suplex. Razor started his comeback and signaled for the “real” edge, but Luna gave distraction, allowing BBB to hit a sloppy enziguiri. BBB went up for a moonsault, but RR slammed him off the top into a schoolboy for the pin. This seemed to be a run-through for their first round match at the following month’s KOTR tourney, right down to the exact same finish. Not only was the PPV match tighter and hotter, but it had commentary from Art Donovan to boot. This one just couldn’t measure up. (Mike)

Gorilla and Stan buried the previous match by agreeing that Razor couldn’t have gotten BBB up into the edge anyway. Hey, why not? At this point, you’ve already bought/rented the video. Sucker!

They showed the finish from the “Intercontinental Battle Royal” [9/27/93]. The last two remaining wrestlers would later meet each other, with the winner claiming the vacant IC Title (which was stripped from Shawn Michaels in the first example of HBK not losing a belt in the ring…and Lord knows it wouldn’t be the last). Anyway, it came down to Razor, Rick Martel, and Tag champs The Quebecers. The heels tripled on Razor until Pierre accidentally clotheslined Jacques over the top rope. RR then immediately ejected Pierre, leaving himself and “The Model.” Note to rookies: Never hold a guy for someone in a battle royal. Just don’t. It’s like grabbing Owen Hart’s foot when he tries to kick you in the stomach. No good can come of it. This leads us to…

2) Razor pinned Rick Martel to win the vacant IC Title [Raw, 9/27/93]. 10:42 was shown, as there was one commercial break when this originally aired. This was the match that made Razor their next big babyface superstar, and both guys deserve credit for pulling it off beautifully. This match aired on Columbus Day, prompting PBP man Vince McMahon to point out that Columbus was Hispanic, and thus, this could turn out to be a great day for people of “Hispanic extraction.” Oh, for God’s sake. Martel’s psychology was great as he taunted everyone with his evil Canadian jumping jacks. After running the ropes, Razor hit the fallaway slam for a pop. Razor overpowered Martel and worked the left arm. Martel’s bumping, selling, and facials were tremendous. Back from break, Martel was in control. in a unique spot that looked great visually, Martel kept whipping Razor into the same set of turnbuckles. Martel tried to get the pin with his feet on the ropes, but the ref caught him. Martel continued to work the back, trying to soften Razor up for his Boston crab finisher. Martel finally got the crab, but Razor made the ropes. Martel hit a side suplex, and again locked in the crab, this time in the middle of the ring. McMahon, Bobby Heenan, and even Randy Savage did a great job of putting over the match from the broadcast table. Razor managed to power out of the crab with a push-up, flipping Martel over into a pin attempt for a nearfall. Martel reversed it into a sunset flip for another nearfall. Martel hit a nice dropkick for the third nearfall in less than a minute. This was totally balls-out for the early 90s, especially since there wasn’t a “Bret,” “Owen,” or “Shawn” involved in this match. Martel hit a bodypress, but Razor rolled through for another nearfall. Savage fired off the best line of his color commentary career with, “This is the toughest match I’ve never been in!” Martel clotheslined for his last nearfall, then Razor met a backdrop attempt with a kneelift. Razor dramatically powered up a struggling Martel into the edge, which looked great, because Martel actually seemed to be trying to escape the move, as opposed to the jobbers who just limply accept their fate. Razor hit the edge for the clean pin and deserved major pop. Razor strapped on the gold, which effectively “refreshed” his own pop. Excellent match. For some reason, one of wrestling’s most enduring incorrect “facts” is that Rick Martel is a former IC champion. It’s not true, and this was the closest he ever got. Razor, on the other hand, claimed his first IC strap in this match, and he would go on to become the first three-time IC champion in WWWFE history. (Kerry)

Gorilla and Stan put over the last match, then crowed about the next “exclusive” match, which aired exactly as it did when they showed it the first time on
“Bloopers, Bleeps, And Bodyslams.”

3) IC champion Razor pinned Evil Japanese Crush (w/ Mr. Fuji) to retain the title at 7:09 [12/15/93]. I still can’t figure out what in the hell screeching tires had to do with Razor’s gimmick. Razor suspiciously didn’t wear his bling to the ring. I think they were doing an angle at this point where IRS claimed Razor was a tax cheat, so he repossessed it (seriously). The storyline here was that Crush kept overpowering and out-cheating Da Bad Guy. This match just plain dragged, though there was good heat for Razor’s eventual comeback. Crush dropped a knee off the top, but Razor got his foot on the rope. An oblivious Crush celebrated anyway, allowing Razor to schoolboy Crush for the pin. Horribly boring match. (Chris)

4) IC champion Razor pinned Adam Bomb (w/ Harvey Wippleman) in a non-title match at 3:35 [Superstars, 3/22/94]. Adam Bomb rules your bitch ass. Adam attacked Razor before the bell and then ruled his bitch ass, too. Fans chanted “Razor.” Harvey looked kinda like Professor Plum from the “Clue” board game. Adam missed an elbowdrop, but yanked Razor out of the ring and clotheslined him. Adam then hit his kick-ass slingshot clothesline that could have gotten over big had they ever, you know, NAMED the damn thing. Razor kneelifted out of another backdrop attempt, then hit the edge for the pin. But seriously, folks, this was a very good quickie big man match that never let up and looked great on TV. (Kerry)

Gorilla and Stan reflected. Stan was just about to confess his true feelings for Gorilla, when they cut away to an exclusive Razor interview. Better luck next time, “Gangster Of Love.” (Note: Please don’t e-mail me to tell me that Stan was actually the “Sultan Of Swing,” while Bobby Eaton was the true “Gangster Of Love.” I really, truly don’t care.)

Razor welcomed us to his locker room by saying “Yo.” Hell, maybe he was supposed to be a dyslexic Jewish wrestler all this time. It’s about as credible for him as the Cuban/Hispanic/Latino street thug. Razor recapped the issue twixt himself and Shawn Michaels in sentence fragments. Razor waxed nostalgic about being both at the top of the mountain and down in the gutter. Five years later, he only WISHED that was just a worked wrestling promo.


5) IC champion Razor beat Shawn Michaels (w/ Diesel) in a ladder match to retain his title and be named “Undisputed IC champion” at 18:47 [WMX, 3/20/94]. Oh, fuck off. You know damn well how this match played out. You’ve watched it a million billion times, just like the rest of us. Now let’s move along. (FRITZ)

Stan talked about going down in the anals of history. He is SO sending signals, but that big dumb Gorilla just didn’t take the hint.

6) IC champion Razor pinned IRS to retain the title at 11:45 total time [RR94, 1/22/94]. This was the PPV match, complete with original commentary. Meaning, Gorilla and Jim Ross spent a great deal of time decrying how Owen Hart had “just” turned against his brother Bret Hart. The match was neither particularly good nor bad, as their styles just didn’t mesh. Anyway, this was during the WMX build to Razor-Shawn, so why it aired AFTER they showed the ladder match is anybody’s guess. The ref was bumped and Razor went for the edge, but HBK ran-in with his “bogus” IC belt and conked Razor, who sold it like he was dead. IRS crawled over and got a three-count as the ref woke up, but other refs stormed the ring and pointed out that there were now magically two IC belts in the ring. Ref Prime restarted the match, and Razor yanked a celebrating IRS off the second rope into the edge for the quickie pin. I really, really, really hate the “restart” finish because it makes both guys look like the drizzling shits. On the plus side, at least this time it’s not like they ruined an otherwise good match. (Chris)

7) IC champion Razor beat Jeff Jarrett by DQ in a non-title match at approximately 9:35 (no opening bell, one break) [Raw, 4/11/94]. To show you how WWF programming priorities have changed, this non-title bout was window dressing while Vince and Savage talked up Razor’s upcoming title defense against Diesel “this coming weekend” on their syndicated “Superstars” show. RR and JJ had a real chemistry together and often clicked for good matches (and a couple IC Title switchbacks in later months). Far as I know, this was their first TV match together, and it was solid. JJ pitched Razor to the floor, prompting Michaels to come down and trash-talk Razor. Razor slugged Shawn and made his comeback. Savage exclaimed, “The One Man Gang, Razor Ramon!” Thank god they didn’t have THAT match on this video. Razor brought Michaels into the ring and pounded the hell out of him. Forgetting that Shawn wasn’t the guy he was wrestling (speaking of spots I hate) Razor picked up HBK for the edge, but Diesel ran-in (and yes, there was a point when Kevin Nash actually COULD run) and saved his Boy Toy. Diesel hit the big boot and two weak jackknifes. Diesel stood on Razor’s chest, with the announcers naturally putting this over as a pre-emptive strike before the Razor-Diesel title match. That was the match where Diesel won the title, of course, but they didn’t show it on this video. No big loss there. (David)

Now Stan is talking about “Boy’s Clubs” in Miami. You know, this just isn’t funny as it was five minutes ago. Gorilla threw to an exclusive Coliseum interview, promising to show Razor getting ready for a big match. Razor reaffirmed this from the go position, as he said, “I’m getting ready for a big match.”

8) Razor beat Yokozuna (w/ Jim Cornette & Fuji) by DQ at 9:12 [?/94]. Gorilla pointed out that this was a former World champ vs. a former IC champ, and this was back at the twilight of title lineage, when WWF championship history was exclusive enough that a fact like that was actually unusual and impressive. That was it for the insight though. Gorilla then sternly suggested that people should “send their boys to camp” so they don’t turn out like Cornette or Fuji, while Stan talked about the salt-throwing ritual as a “religious ceremony.” Yoko gave Razor a couple racket shots at ringside while the ref was distracted. Yoko did all his usual spots, like the nervehold and the weeble-wobble slugfest. Gorilla called Prof. Toru Tanaka “Chopstick Charlie.” When they did the collision bit, Gorilla cried, “We’ll see who moves first! Will it be Ahab or Moby Dick?!” Razor started his comeback and signaled for the edge, but Crush ran-in for the DQ. Luger made the save, and unlikely babyfaces double-clotheslined Crush. Feh. (Mike)

Gorilla and Stan signed off (Stan never did get Gorilla’s digits), and threw it to the man himself for the final word. Razor helpfully suggested that if we wanted to see more of Da Bad Guy, we should check out the WWF.

Thanks, Razor.

Overall over-analysis: First of all, it does bear mention that Razor went 8-0-0 in his matches on his video. If I’m not mistaken, that’s a Coliseum Video first for anyone not named “Hulk Hogan.” Existing Razor fans should be pleased, but frankly, this tape did nothing to hook potential fans, which is what these videos MUST do. Newbies were left scratching their heads as to just who this guy is and what’s his backstory. (The paper-thin “explanations” from Gorilla and Stan just didn’t cut it.) Yes, I know his debut vignettes were horrible, and they conveyed the failed catchphrase, “Dey tink I’m some kind of pig.” That’s the thing, though; Razor was one of those characters that seemed to have “WrestleCrap” written all over him until a combination of good marketing, with the talent and charisma of Scott Hall in his prime, got the gimmick over to where Razor grew into a solid main event babyface.

I’ve gotta tell you, this thing took me maybe an hour and a half total to write up. It was the quickest I’ve ever reviewed anything, and that’s because I’d already seen everything but the first and last match. Mind you, except for the Martel match and the ladder match, it was nothing I cared to see again. They can’t even use the “1994 was the year of Vince’s steroid trial” excuse, because this tape came out the same time as “Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart” , which was easily one of their best productions. The bottom line here is that the uncharacteristic lack of effort and exclusives put into RR makes it the laziest Coliseum Video ever.

This Observer’s Thumb……………....is down.


Match dates courtesy of www.prowrestlinghistory.com

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).