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Welcome To The Vault! In This Edition, Harry Simon Goes Back To Yesteryear To Bring Us WWF Rampage'91!

RAMPAGE '91
Approx running time: 2 hrs
Approx time period covered: 1991
Released: 1991
Host: Sean Mooney & Gene Okerlund & Bobby Heenan

Mooney opens the video on a golf course just in time to see Okerlund and Heenan drive up in a golf cart. Oklerlund and Heenan invite Mooney to follow them around the course. For some reason, they miss the obvious joke of handing Mooney their golf clubs to caddy around when he accepts their offer.

1) IC champion Curt Hennig (w/ “Coach” John Tolos) beat Davey Boy Smith by DQ to retain the title [6/18/91]. In 50 words or less, tell me what “Coach” John Tolos added to Hennig. Anybody? Wanna hear how bad Davey had gone downhill by this match? He couldn’t even do the press-into-a-crotch-on-the-top-rope spot worth a damn. Clever spot saw Hennig grab the middle rope for leverage when he locked Davey in a Boston crab. Davey powered out with a push-up counter, and Hennig took a great bump through the ropes. Hennig dropkicked Davey out of the ring where Coach put the boots to him. This prompted Bret Hart to come out and chase away Coach. Lord Alfred Hayes was in all his babyheel announcer glory here, huffing “Well, I don’t know what this has to do with Bret Hart. I don’t see that he has any license to be here, quite frankly.” After a ref bump, Davey small-packaged Hennig. Coach tried to break it up, but Bret ran him off. Bret then made a three-count, prompting Davey to release the hold. What a cruel, hypocritical jerk! Bret just screwed his brother-in-law! Years later, Davey would get revenge by screwing Bret’s brother’s girlfriend (seriously). Hennig and Bret started brawling and wouldn’t you know it, the ref woke up and DQed Davey for outside interference. Not a bad match, but it should have been a lot better, considering Hennig was in his prime. Davey was as bad as Hennig was good. (Mike)

Mooney catches up to the lads on the golf course. Exactly how long was Mooney’s microphone cord, anyway? Heenan took some comical golf swings as Mooney introduced the next match. It’s gonna get worse before it gets better.

2) Oh, hell. Kerry Von Erich DCO The Warlord [4/22/91]. “Texas Tornado” Kerry’s heat was already extinct by the time this match rolled around. Then again, it could have been worse. Warlord never had heat to begin with. The only thing worth mentioning from this match was a classic Gorilla-Bobby exchange.

Heenan: “The Warlord is a lot bigger.”
Monsoon: “The Tornado is a lot quicker, Brain.”
Heenan: “The Warlord is a lot stronger.”
Monsoon: “The Tornado is a lot smarter, Brain.”
Heenan: “Now you’ve lied to the people.”

Finish saw Kerry hit the discus punch, but ‘Lord got his foot on the ropes. If I live to be 29, I’ll never figure out who protected The Warlord from doing jobs. Kerry Von Erich only had one foot. Kerry jumped on Warlord for a piggyback sleeper, but Warlord made the ropes and pulled them both outside the ring, where they brawled to the DCO. Horrible, horrible, horrible match. (kevin)

3) Animal pinned Paul Roma (w/ Hercules) [6/3/91]. I guess Hawk no-showed, so there was a coin toss to determine which member of Power & Glory got to wrestle Animal in a singles. Poor Hercules. They even have him doing jobs in coin tosses now. Cred-killing spot as Animal missed a diving headbutt to the crotch by about a foot, but Roma did a Bobbit-sell anyway. Animal basically killed Roma until Hercules would interfere. Finish saw ref get bumped, but Herc’s interference backfired as Roma mistakenly missile-dropkicked Herc. Animal put “Romeo” Roma away with a nice powerslam. I always thought Roma was underrated until WCW made him a Horseman. Then I though he was overrated. This was okay enough, but the headbutt thing was disgraceful. (Mike)

Special feature: “Golf Instructions.” Good ol’ early-90s WWF monkeyshines. Gene and Bobby walked us through golfisms like “The Chip Shot” and “The Sand Trap.” As you’d expect, Gene played like Tiger Woods while Heenan couldn’t do anything right so he kept cheating by picking up the ball with his hand. Also as you’d expect, Heenan was funny as hell throughout the whole segment.

4) The Rockers & Big Bossman beat Tag Champions The Nasty Boys & The Mountie (w/ Jimmy Hart) [6/18/91]. The Nastys may have been the most overpushed tag team ever. Most of the match was Bossman getting pounded on until he hot-tagged Michaels, who was inspired while cleaning house. The inevitable clustershmazz brawl ensued. Jimmy Hart threw his motorcycle helmet in the ring, but Michaels intercepted it and clocked Brian Knobs for the cover. Mountie poked Michaels with his shock stick, and Lord Al claimed Mountie zapped the future HBK, but there was no hokey “ZAPPITY-ZAP-ZAP-ZAP” sound effect nor “fish-out-of-water” sell by the victim, like there usually was for the shock stick gimmick. As the ref ushered Bossman out of the ring, Jannetty did a switcheroo with Michaels and covered Knobs for the pin. Seeing as how Marty pinned one of the Tag champs, you’d think that this would have led to a big program with new #1 contenders The Rockers chasing The Nastys all over the country. Yes, you would think that. Everyone not wearing a “Nasty Boys” shirt saw to it that this was an entertaining, passable match (but nothing special and even below expectations, considering Shawn & Marty were in their prime as a duo). (David)
 
5) Rick Steamboat pinned Smash [6/3/91]. How ironic is it that this golf-themed video gives us a look at Barry Darsow’s old Demolition character, considering the last push of Darsow’s career came as a Wrestlecrap “Hole-In-One” golfer gimmick on WCW Saturday Night? Speaking of Wrestlecrap, Steamboat being decked out in full finny “Dragon” costume didn’t add to the ambience of this thing. This might be the worst Steamboat match I’ve ever seen, which oughtta tell you how bad Darsmsash was stinking up the ring. Darsmash’s offense was painful to watch, and his selling was mediocre at best. Finish saw Steamboat win clean with the flying bodypress. (Mike)

6) The Barbarian (w/ Bobby Heenan) beat Jake Roberts by CO [5/7/91]. Jake’s psychology was great, as always, but everything else about this match stunk. Barbarian is one of the few guys Heenan managed who had ZERO charisma with “The Brain.” Only over spot was when Jake freed himself from the ropes and snuck up behind Barb and hit the DDT. This prompted Earthquake to come down to ringside. Sean Mooney speculated that there was an alliance between Quake and Barbarian. Great, just the tag team we need. The Faces Of Disaster. Why would you even suggest such a thing? Because you’re Sean Mooney and you’re an idiot. This was during the Jake-Quake feud that kicked off when Quake squashed Jake’s beloved pet snake, Damian. Anyhoo, the CO happened when Jake chased Quake with his new snake. What the hell is this, a Dr. Seuss book? Lousy match. (Chris)

7) Greg Valentine pinned Haku [4/24/91]. This match was from England, and it was obviously so bad that the WWF didn’t even put it on one of the “World Tour” videos. The only good thing about this stinkbomb was when Vince asked color man Roddy Piper who had the advantage in agility, and Hot Rod replied “Neither one of them. They’re two bulls. (Maybe) the referee?” Bless Roddy’s shooting heart. Even the wrestling-starved British faithful didn’t care a lick about this abortion, which Valentine won with a sloppy sunset flip. Crapola. (Chris)

8) Power & Glory (w/ Slick) DCO The Orient Express II (w/ Mr. Fuji) [5/28/91]. Rare heel vs. heel match from the early 90s. The problem with such matches back then was that fans didn’t know who to cheer for, so there was no heat. That said, this was a fun, interesting match. It seemed like Titan was testing the waters to see if fans would take to P&G as babyfaces because that’s the role Herc & Roma played. P&G’s lack of a push is one of my more enduring rants against the WWF. At least in this match, they finally started pushing Hercules like his namesake, with Kato and Tanaka bumping like pinballs for the guy. While Roma ran the ropes, Fuji stabbed him with his cane. This angered Slick. The Orients doubled on Roma until Herc cleaned house after a hot tag. Slick pulled down the top rope while Kato was running the ropes, causing him to tumble outside. Another Slick-Fuji fight was teased, with Roma coming to Slick’s defense, Tanaka attacking Roma, and Hercules attacking Tanaka. That snowballed into the DCO. Good, intriguing match, but P&G should have gone over and Slick should have brought the pimp hand down on Fuji (the guy was like 100 years old even back then, for God’s sake). (David)

More offbeat shenanigans on the golf course.

Special feature: “At Home With Paul Bearer.” Goofy, pointless segment with Bearer giving us a tour of his “home,” which must have been a studio apartment because it consisted of one room. Bearer had all this creepy stuff lying around like evil candles, the evil “King Of The Ring” throne, an evil casket (complete with evil corpse), evil skulls, his evil bookcase, an evil liquor cabinet, and of course, his precious evil urn. Bearer then showed us his prize possession, a small guillotine. It’s hard to believe that even “special” kids fell for this hokey stuff, yet they did. Yes, it was gimmicky, but give the former Percy Pringle credit for totally throwing himself into this character and getting it over almost just by will.

9) The Ultimate Warrior beat The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) by DQ [7/21/91]. The 1991 UW-UT feud was an effective (if “cartoony”) program for both men, getting each guy’s monster character over. It was also ironic, seeing as how this was the first money feud for the enduring Undertaker, and the last money feud for UW. As Warrior started “Ulting up,” UT tapped him with the urn, causing the DQ. Mooney laid another egg by claiming the referee didn’t see the urn-shot. Um, he called for the bell, Sean. Hayes similarly shamed himself by speculating that Warrior submitted. These guys sucked on the stick. Which was probably how they got jobs as WWF announcers in the first place. Zing! UT and Bearer tried to stuff Warrior in a bodybag, but UW made his own save. The surreality continued as George “The Animal” Steele was one of the suits who came out to chase off UT and Bearer. This was a good glimpse of UT’s star on the rise and Warrior didn’t look half bad, either. (David)

One last visit with our golfing buddies. It turns out that Heenan didn’t pay the green fees, and the steph’s about to hit the fan. Heenan jumps in the cart and drives away, followed by an angry golf course ranger in his own cart (which paused to pick up Okerlund). A golf cart chase! It’s a good thing this was the end of the tape, because otherwise my sides would likely have split from such unadulterated hilarity.

Overall over-analysis: A complete waste of time. The golf theme was stupid, and none of the matches are anything special. If you walk by this video in your rental store, just keep on walking.

This Observer’s Thumb…………….is WAY down.

-HDS-

All match dates courtesy of www.prowrestlinghistory.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).