Welcome To The Vault! In This Edition, Harry Simon Goes
Back To Yesteryear To Bring Us The 2nd Battle Of The WWF Superstars!!
2nd BATTLE OF THE WWF SUPERSTARS
Approx running time: 1:50
Time period covered: 1990 – 1991
Host: Sean Mooney
Mooney marched out to open the tape in a rip from “Patton.”
Mooney said years from now, when you’re sitting with your grandson on your knee, you can tell him that you watched the
2nd Battle Of The WWF Superstars, instead of “reruns of the Simpsons.” Hey! What have I told you about mocking
your betters, Sean? I said, “Don’t.” In your case, you’re safe to goof on Tard Grisham and Paris Hilton,
but that’s about it.
Wait, that wasn’t the real open. Next up was a commercial for those weak early-90s
action figures that had three points of articulation. (They still were detailed better than the crap Jakks has been puking
out for the past several years, though.) I could never figure out why the Demolition two-pack was Smash & Crush, instead
of Ax & Smash, who were the three-time champs and the company’s top team for years.
Okay, here’s the
real open. Mooney addressed a lineup of assembled troops. What, you thought bad WWWFE paramilitary angles started with “Christmas
in Baghdad?” Mooney seemed pleased with the young strong soldiers who stood at his ready. This can only end in tears.
Roddy Piper beat IC champion Curt Hennig (w/ Bobby Heenan) by CO at 12:17 so Hennig retained the title [2/18/91].
Heenan was wearing his “I hate these damn five-hour TV tapings” face. A rare title match involving Piper, who
was the perfect example of a guy who was so over, he didn’t need a strap. Mooney theorized that the Omaha crowd’s
Scottish contingent would be solidly behind Roddy. I hate Mooney. Hennig taunted Piper by looking under his kilt. Mooney and
Lord Al pointed out that looking under another man’s kilt was considered poor Scottish etiquette. Thank God we have
them to lead us out of the darkness. Hennig punked out Piper a little bit until Hot Rod snapped, threw his kilt at Mr. P,
then chased him out of the ring. Piper slipped on his own kilt while doing so. Piper placed the ref in the corner and slugged
it out with Hennig. Hennig took a powder, so Roddy helped the ref count to nine before Hennig made it back in. Someone needs
to take young Roderick aside and explain the whole “titles don’t change hands on countouts” thing. Piper
yanked Hennig around by the hair, and Hennig crotched himself on the ringpost when he tried to slither out of the ring. Piper
yanked down Hennig’s doublet, so Hennig stumbled around with his tights around his ankles while Piper punched him at
will. Hennig got loose and choked Piper with his own tights. Fortunately for the “family entertainment” crowd,
Hennig had a spare pair of black trunks underneath. The lads floored each other with a double-clothesline. Hennig put his
tights back on, but the spot didn’t get as much heel heat as you might expect. Hennig undid one of the turnbuckle pads.
Piper got a handful of nearfalls, but the final one saw Hennig throw Piper off of himself and onto the ref. Hennig bonked
Piper’s head into the exposed turnbuckle while the ref recovered. Hennig picked up Piper for the Perfectplex, all the
while, Piper did the “dead weight” sell. But was he really truly selling? Piper kicked out of the ‘plex
and started his comeback, punctuated by banging Henning into said bare-buckle. Piper chased Hennig out of the ring and whipped
Hennig with his belt. Hennig slammed Piper into the guardrail, but Piper crotched him as he tried to do a top-rope move. The
ref counted Hennig out. This just doesn’t make any damn sense. Piper whipped Hennig into the ring steps and laid him
out with the IC belt. Disappointing, considering that it was in Hennig’s prime. This was one of those “What the
hell were they hoping to accomplish?” matches. How was this supposed to get either guy over? What was with the selective
officiating? And most of all, why the hell was Heenan a non-factor? (Chris)
Mooney got a postcard
from some guy’s “young privates” or whatnot. Disturbing. Time for our “fan favorite” match,
meaning it was supposedly requested by a fan via postcard. These damn things always suck. Don’t get me wrong, I really
do go into these tapes with an open mind, but honestly, people…it’s the fucking Nasty Boys against the Bushwhackers
2) The Nasty Boys (w/ Jimmy Hart) beat The Bushwhackers at 7:49 [1/21/91, MSG]. Typical BW
match. Typical NB match. That’s two strikes right there. Strike three was the Nasty finish when Brian Knobs pinned Butch
3) Tag champion Bret Hart pinned The Barbarian at 4:08 [11/24/90, MSG].
For some reason, the referee held up Bret’s Tag belt before the bell. It’s often been said that it takes three
men to have a good match, with the referee completing the triad. I don’t know the name of the referee for this match,
but he sucked like a lady of the evening using a vacuum cleaner. His counts were painfully slow and he moved around like he
had a load in his Depends. I don’t recall seeing him again, and there’s probably a good reason for that. It just
makes it all the more astonishing that Bret was actually working for three people in this match, and doing one heck of a job.
This was one of those dealies where Bret carried a stiff so well, you’d almost believe said stiff was a good worker.
This was half a year before Bret’s serious singles push, but even then, the fans were starting to catch on that Bret
was something special. Finish was the old powerhouse heel spot where the babyface went for a sunset flip, but the heel dropped
to his knees and hit a double-bicep pose, allowing the babyface to complete the sunset flip for the pin. I hate that finish.
It’s almost as bad as the belly-to-back suplex where the guy delivering the move pins himself. (David)
NOTE: This match also aired on “Mega Matches.”
It’s now time for Coliseum’s laughable attempt at a “Trivia
Q: What was the official symbol for the that big bald fuckcs during Hulk Hogan’s return?
The “Hulk Rules” Friendship Bracelet. Apparently, they couldn’t get all those yellow and red “I AM
A VIRGIN AND I ALWAYS WILL BE” t-shirts back from the printers in time for the angle.
Q: What tag team
was known as the “Pink & Black Attack”?
A: The Hart Foundation, but they stole the nickname
from Sweet Sapphire, if you will.
Q: Why was Bobby Heenan the the target of the Big Boss Man? (That’s
right, there was a typo in this question.)
A: Because Heenan made insulting remarks about BBM’s mother.
Don’t worry, Bossman eventually took his frustrations out on The Big Show by casketjacking his dead daddy, and tricking
his mother into telling the world that he was a big nasty bastard. Big Show, in turn, later tried to murder Kurt Angle by
throwing him off a high-rise. And the cycle of abuse continues…
Q: What is Mr. Perfect’s finishing
A: The Perfectplex, which he presumably used on someone before truly “finishing” himself
off with a snout full of cocaine in a hotel room.
Q: What caused Jake “The Snake” Roberts to lose
A: Getting sprayed by Rick Martel’s “Arrogance” cologne. You thought I was gonna
take the cheap punchline and say “Years of smoking crack,” didn’t you? Shows what you know. The crack didn’t
blind Jake. It just made him paranoid, forgetful, and impotent.
Is that all? Damn, I was just starting to have fun.
Jake Roberts beat Kato (w/ Mr. Fuji & Pat Tanaka) by DQ at 7:02 [2/18/91]. By the numbers. Kato and his parachute
pants ran from the DDT, while Fuji and Tanaka snuck in shots behind the ref’s back. Lord Al kept calling him “Cot-Oh,”
just to piss me off. Finish saw Jake defy the odds and finally hit the DDT after escaping a bodyslam attempt. Tanaka broke
up the pin for the DQ, but Jake fought them all off and chased Fuji away with his snake. No, not THAT one! Not this time,
anyway. Hey, here’s a trivia question: Why the fuck couldn’t Kato do a job?? (Chris)
hell, we’re in for it now. It’s a profile on “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. Mooney says – and this is
a direct quote – “I would have relished in the opportunity to have commanded him.” Mooney’s homoerotic
troopers raised 2x4s in tribute.
Duggan did the Forrest Gump bit, telling us how he came about. He told the story of
how a young “Seesaw” Jim Duggan “picked up (his) first piece of wood.” Dude, this is just wrong. Kids
are watching this tape! Now it’s time for a tour of Hacksaw’s best boards. There was his first 2x4, then the board
autographed by celebrities like Woody Harrelson, James Woods, and, yeah, I think you know where this is going. Board #3 was
the 2x4 given to Duggan by Hulk Hogan before his MSG match with Sgt. Slaughter. You heard it right, Hogan gave Duggan wood.
Jim Duggan (w/ Hulk Hogan) beat World champion Sgt. Slaughter (w/ Gen. Adnan) in a flag match by DQ so Slaughter retained
the title at 12:58 [3/15/91, MSG]. Dude, I believed you. You didn’t have to prove to me that this match existed.
I would have taken your word for it. Hogan was in Duggan’s corner to provide moral support, counter the interference
of Adnan, and just generally steal all the heat. The first few minutes went something like this: Punch, punch, punch, punch,
punch, punch, punch. Weird spot saw Slaughter come off the top rope with a stomp. It was weird because that’s one of
those spots where the babyface always gets his feet up to block it…but this time he didn’t. The fans weren’t
happy with this. Slaughter kicked Hogan in the head when Hogan had his back to the ring and was cheering on the fans, most
likely yelling at them to buy more “Hulk Rules” t-shirts and friendship bracelets. The man is shameless, I tell
you. Hogan shoved Slaughter off the top rope. Adnan distracted Hulk long enough to allow Slaughter to attack him and choke
him out with a camera cable. Back in the ring, Slaughter got Duggan in the camel clutch, so Adnan jumped up on the apron to
celebrate (which distracted the referee). Hogan ran in and whacked Slaughter with the 2x4 to break the move. Duggan crawled
on top of Slaughter, but Adnan broke up the pin for the DQ. Slaughter and Adnan proceeded to attack both guys with the Iraqi
flag. It took four referees to chase Slaughter away. Adnan came back to get the belt, so the faces recovered and shooed him
away. Duggan waved Old Glory as Hogan saluted. Great. Just great. A screwjob in a flag match, Duggan looks like a chump from
bell to bell, and the heel beats up both babyfaces by himself. Dude, not even if the match was good to begin with.
Back in the lumberyard with Duggan, he explains to us how he must perennially struggle with the question
of which is the best board for any given task. Upon selecting his choice lumber, Duggan then stalks around, screaming “Woody!
Woody!” Nobody likes a showoff, Jim. When his cries went unanswered, Jim angrily asked “Where’s Woody?!”
to no one in particular. I used to play that game with my girlfriend, too. Lo and behold, Woody finally snuck up on Duggan
from behind. You’d think after all the years of showering in a wrestling locker room, he would know enough to be properly
safeguard himself from such unpleasant surprises. Woody, of course, is the old guy who owns the lumberyard. Duggan and Woody
are best buds, and Duggan only trusts Woody when it comes to preparing his wood. Woody then fired up his buzzsaw and CUT DUGGAN’S
WOOD IN HALF!! Between Mooney and Woody, this is already the gayest Coliseum Video ever.
6) Duggan pinned Smash
(w/ Fuji) at 6:13 [4/16/91]. The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. Now we have the real Road Warriors,
so we’re not throwing you a bone. A bad early-90s brawl was finally euthanized with the three-point-stance clothesline
after Smash narrowly avoided colliding with Fuj The Stooge. (Chris)
At least the Duggan profile is
finished. Mooney threatened that our next match features the guy who will host Coliseum’s next release, WrestleFest
91. Don’t worry, it’s not Warrior.
7) World champion The Ultimate Warrior squashed Randy Savage (w/ Sherri)
at 1:31 to retain the title [10/30/90]. UW ran-in and clotheslined Savage before the bell to start the match. Lord
Al disapproved. UW pounded on Savage, gave him the press slam, hit the splash, and pinned Savage clean, just like that. Savage
got in no offense. After the pin, UW threw Savage over the top rope, and Savage ran back to the locker room like his ass was
on fire. Even announcers Mooney and Lord Al were perplexed by this. I’m at a loss. This was probably the last match
after one of those marathon five-hour TV tapings, and everyone just wanted to go home. Still though, to immortalize this on
a Coliseum Video, and make one of your greatest (and most well-known) stars look like such a complete pile of shit is incomprehensible.
8) Ted DiBiase pinned Tugboat at 6:42 [1/29/91]. DiBiase attacked Tugger
before the bell, but Tug soon overpowered the MDM. Mooney called Tug’s clotheslines “anchors.” Even Lord
Al complained about Mooney’s nautical puns. Fans chanted “Tugboat.” The guy did have a good-natured charisma
about him, kinda like Hillbilly Jim or Eugene. No joke, fans connect with that. Basically what I’m saying is that fans
like babyfaces. This is one of the many concepts that continues to elude Stephanie and her writers. Tugger dominated DiBiase
until the finish, when DiBiase sidestepped an avalanche and schoolboyed Tug for the clean pin out of nowhere. DiBiase was
a rare talent in that even when he was the most over heel in the company, fans still realized that he was one of the best
ring technicians in the biz. Match was okay enough for what it was. Both guys played their roles well. (Mike)
to Mooney, and Lieutenant Limpwrist was looking through a pair of binoculars. He was looking for Coliseum’s “Tag
Team Match Of The Month,” which just happened to be located in the soldiers’ shower.
9) The Legion
Of Doom & Davey Boy Smith DDQ Power & Glory & The Warlord (w/ Slick) at 7:17 [1/8/91]. Here a steroid,
there a steroid, everywhere a steroid, steroid. Lord Al said that these were probably the six strongest men in the world.
That’s a polite way of saying, “These stiffs can’t work.” Lord Al has impeccable British manners,
don’t you know. Anyway, this match made fast-forward look like slow-motion, and that’s not an analogy. The climax
of the match saw Davey power out of Warlord’s full nelson, prompting the other four guys to run in for the shmazz. The
ref threw out the match, leaving the crowd flat. Not a good main event, Coliseum. Hang your head in shame. (kevin)
gave us one last salute as he rode off on a jeep. Whether you pray to God, Satan, Buddha, Allah, or Ronnie James Dio, just
thank him that this thing is finally over.
Overall over-analysis: Bret-Barbarian was the best of the
bunch, but hardly a must-see. Duggan was profiled, but his big World Title match made him look like a complete putz. Woody
was uninspired. And the less said about Mooney, his horrible acting, and his horrible announcing, the better. This wasn’t
the worst Coliseum Video ever…but it’s up there. Or down there. Whatever. When Randy Savage gets squashed in less
than two minutes while Kato and Paul Roma can’t be bothered to put someone over, they’re just not even trying
This Observer’s Thumb……………....is WAY down.
dates courtesy of www.prowrestlinghistory.com)
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).