Welcome To The Vault! In This Edition, Harry Simon Goes Back To Yesteryear To Bring Us The 2nd Battle Of The WWF Superstars!!

 

Approx running time: 1:50
Time period covered: 1990 – 1991
Released: 1991
Host: Sean Mooney

Mooney marched out to open the tape in a rip from “Patton.” Mooney said years from now, when you’re sitting with your grandson on your knee, you can tell him that you watched the 2nd Battle Of The WWF Superstars, instead of “reruns of the Simpsons.” Hey! What have I told you about mocking your betters, Sean? I said, “Don’t.” In your case, you’re safe to goof on Tard Grisham and Paris Hilton, but that’s about it.

Wait, that wasn’t the real open. Next up was a commercial for those weak early-90s action figures that had three points of articulation. (They still were detailed better than the crap Jakks has been puking out for the past several years, though.) I could never figure out why the Demolition two-pack was Smash & Crush, instead of Ax & Smash, who were the three-time champs and the company’s top team for years.

Okay, here’s the real open. Mooney addressed a lineup of assembled troops. What, you thought bad WWWFE paramilitary angles started with “Christmas in Baghdad?” Mooney seemed pleased with the young strong soldiers who stood at his ready. This can only end in tears.

1) Roddy Piper beat IC champion Curt Hennig (w/ Bobby Heenan) by CO at 12:17 so Hennig retained the title [2/18/91]. Heenan was wearing his “I hate these damn five-hour TV tapings” face. A rare title match involving Piper, who was the perfect example of a guy who was so over, he didn’t need a strap. Mooney theorized that the Omaha crowd’s Scottish contingent would be solidly behind Roddy. I hate Mooney. Hennig taunted Piper by looking under his kilt. Mooney and Lord Al pointed out that looking under another man’s kilt was considered poor Scottish etiquette. Thank God we have them to lead us out of the darkness. Hennig punked out Piper a little bit until Hot Rod snapped, threw his kilt at Mr. P, then chased him out of the ring. Piper slipped on his own kilt while doing so. Piper placed the ref in the corner and slugged it out with Hennig. Hennig took a powder, so Roddy helped the ref count to nine before Hennig made it back in. Someone needs to take young Roderick aside and explain the whole “titles don’t change hands on countouts” thing. Piper yanked Hennig around by the hair, and Hennig crotched himself on the ringpost when he tried to slither out of the ring. Piper yanked down Hennig’s doublet, so Hennig stumbled around with his tights around his ankles while Piper punched him at will. Hennig got loose and choked Piper with his own tights. Fortunately for the “family entertainment” crowd, Hennig had a spare pair of black trunks underneath. The lads floored each other with a double-clothesline. Hennig put his tights back on, but the spot didn’t get as much heel heat as you might expect. Hennig undid one of the turnbuckle pads. Piper got a handful of nearfalls, but the final one saw Hennig throw Piper off of himself and onto the ref. Hennig bonked Piper’s head into the exposed turnbuckle while the ref recovered. Hennig picked up Piper for the Perfectplex, all the while, Piper did the “dead weight” sell. But was he really truly selling? Piper kicked out of the ‘plex and started his comeback, punctuated by banging Henning into said bare-buckle. Piper chased Hennig out of the ring and whipped Hennig with his belt. Hennig slammed Piper into the guardrail, but Piper crotched him as he tried to do a top-rope move. The ref counted Hennig out. This just doesn’t make any damn sense. Piper whipped Hennig into the ring steps and laid him out with the IC belt. Disappointing, considering that it was in Hennig’s prime. This was one of those “What the hell were they hoping to accomplish?” matches. How was this supposed to get either guy over? What was with the selective officiating? And most of all, why the hell was Heenan a non-factor? (Chris)

Mooney got a postcard from some guy’s “young privates” or whatnot. Disturbing. Time for our “fan favorite” match, meaning it was supposedly requested by a fan via postcard. These damn things always suck. Don’t get me wrong, I really do go into these tapes with an open mind, but honestly, people…it’s the fucking Nasty Boys against the Bushwhackers again.

2) The Nasty Boys (w/ Jimmy Hart) beat The Bushwhackers at 7:49 [1/21/91, MSG]. Typical BW match. Typical NB match. That’s two strikes right there. Strike three was the Nasty finish when Brian Knobs pinned Butch Miller. (Chris)

3) Tag champion Bret Hart pinned The Barbarian at 4:08 [11/24/90, MSG]. For some reason, the referee held up Bret’s Tag belt before the bell. It’s often been said that it takes three men to have a good match, with the referee completing the triad. I don’t know the name of the referee for this match, but he sucked like a lady of the evening using a vacuum cleaner. His counts were painfully slow and he moved around like he had a load in his Depends. I don’t recall seeing him again, and there’s probably a good reason for that. It just makes it all the more astonishing that Bret was actually working for three people in this match, and doing one heck of a job. This was one of those dealies where Bret carried a stiff so well, you’d almost believe said stiff was a good worker. This was half a year before Bret’s serious singles push, but even then, the fans were starting to catch on that Bret was something special. Finish was the old powerhouse heel spot where the babyface went for a sunset flip, but the heel dropped to his knees and hit a double-bicep pose, allowing the babyface to complete the sunset flip for the pin. I hate that finish. It’s almost as bad as the belly-to-back suplex where the guy delivering the move pins himself. (David) NOTE: This match also aired on “Mega Matches.”