Welcome To The Vault! In This Edition, Sean Carless Goes Back To Yesteryear To Bring Us WWF's Macho Madness!
Approx running time: 2 hrs Approx time period covered: 1987-1988 Released: 1988 Host: Mean Gene Okerlund, Randy Savage & Elizabeth; After the recent force feeding of the shit of many colors today's WWE has been gagging
me with the past couple of years, I decided to go back to a time when I was but a simple mark who had no concept of terms
like "workrate" and "jobbing" and just watched the show through the eyes of a child. Unfortunately, my mother made me give
those eyes back to their original owner, and no formal charges were filed. Lucky me. Anyway, I almost pulled “Hulkamania” out of the box first, but had second thoughts.
I ultimately decided I was in no mood to celebrate the homoerotic antics of Gene Okerlund and Hulk Hogan, who was decked out
in a pair of tiny shorts that should have died with disco. And as much as I longed to spend two hours watching the Hulkster
and Gene drink egg-yolk cocktails and grease each other up with baby oil, I decided to pass. Imagine that. That said, for my first Vault review in a long time, I thought I'd spotlight Randy
"Macho Man" Savage since he returns to PPV for the first time in over 5 years for TNA tomorrow night. And to honor The
Macho Man, I decided to choose the 1988 release of “Macho Madness” from the fledgling coliseum video line, to
which I think the WWF still has Hillbilly Jim on the road peddling…. This was an interesting time in the WWF, as Hulk Hogan after about 5 years of the same
shtick, (you know, take a shit kicking, no sell his opponents finish, then vanquish them with the dreaded bodyslam/big boot/legdrop
hat-trick of low impact mega-offense) decided to take his swollen, shiny noggin to the hills of Hollywood where he hoped to
segue his immense mainstream appeal into big budget movies. But sadly, the World just wasn’t ready for deep and meaningful cinema
like "No Holds Barred" and “Suburban Commando”. That, and the fact that the Hulkster possessed an acting
ability that made Tori Spelling seem like Laurence fucking Olivier in comparison. Still, to this day, I cannot figure
out why I believed Hulk Hogan when he told me he could carry us all to safety from a natural disaster by clinging to
his "barn door back", yet he could not convince me that he was an intergalactic bounty hunter.... Anyway, the company needed a savior while the Yellow & Red was on its hiatus, and that
man was Randy Savage, whose popularity was just one of those things that just exploded completely out of left field.
Savage was the first man in the WWF to blur the lines between “good” and “bad” in the then milk and
cookies era of the WWF, and coupled with his athleticism, he made the WWF Title picture change drastically at the time
(or at least until Orange Juice returned for his vanity belt the following April, Bruther). The irony is though that Randy almost never got the opportunity to wear the belt. It
would take a political power-struggle backstage with Honky Tonk Man for Vince to change his original booking plans.
(an event today that'd take hypnosis, a kidnapping and a time-bomb strapped to Linda to pull off). You see, Honky used his leverage as Champion to veto a Title change to Macho on the
February 1988 Main Event broadcast, as his contract was about to expire, and he threatened to leave the company with
the belt if the match went on as is. And as a consolation, it's said Randy got the big one at Mania instead, rather than
Ted DiBiase as was the original plan. So, ya, you could say that Honky fucking Vince in the ass was the best thing that could
have ever happened to Macho. And Macho returned that favor years later by doing it to Steph! Oh yeah. Dig it (in
there, real deep). Actually, I have no idea if thus urban legend is even true, but there has to be some reason why
Macho is black-listed from WWE, and that has always been a pretty fucking good reason. (Macho) Man, you'd think
that after marrying a dude whose previous relationship was with a woman who has a bigger penis than I do, that Ol' Steph would
adopt a 'don't ask don't tell policy" about former lovers. Oh well. Anyway, the following video was put together sometime in the fall of 1988 during the height
of Randy Savage's Title reign. Right as Hulk Hogan's big orange head reappeared on WWF TV, only to be brutally beaten
by The Big Bossman, that for a staunch racist southern Prison Guard, sure didn't mind taking orders from a Pimp.
Aptly titled "Macho Madness", the video began from Savage's much ballyhooed face
turn during the October 1987 Saturday Night’s Main Event broadcast. (However the WWF never showed the setup for this
feud that started with Honky Tonk Man referring to himself on WWF Superstars as the greatest I-C champ ever, infuriating the
still *officially* heel Macho Man, as he was regarded at the time as possibly the "greatest" due to a one year reign that
ended just several months before this segment.). Randy Savage Vs. Honky Tonk Man; (09/23/87) Joined in progress, this one shows the last two minutes of a match that to this day
is still a mark-out moment for me as a fan. Savage absolutely dominates Honky, and HTM keeps narrowly escaping defeat (an
act that drew HTM and WWF a shitload of revenue). Honky eventually goes for the Shake Rattle & Roll neckbreaker (his
finisher, and a completely "all show" hold that was perfected by Honky while guys like Scotty 2 Hotty were still jerking
off their, umm, worms to their Dad's Hustler in the bathroom.). Anyway, Savage back-body drops Honky out of it and bodyslams HTM to the mat and runs to the
top and crushes him with the flying elbow. However, before Savage can bag the belt, a phantom-like Bret Hart appears and hits
the best-timed elbow in history and draws the heartbreaking disqualification. I always imagined this was how he woke
up Owen for school every day. Hey, it's no wonder he eventually turned on him. Honky, Bret & Jim Neidhart then do a number on Savage in the interim, and with
the Harts holding Savage in position, Honky raises his guitar and measures Macho for the head shot. Liz then runs back to the dressing room in a shtick that would become commonplace in the
months to come, dragging out the Hulkster who had just had a "grueling" Title match with the *undefeated* Sika (who was about
as “undefeated” as Barry Horrowitz at this point). Hogan fought off the heels, and when it looked like Savage
and Hogan would also come to blows, they instead opted to shake hands, teasing it in slow motion before finally sealing the
deal. Yes, slow motion. Huh. Maybe John Woo booked this match? Winner by DQ: Randy Savage. The Mega-Powers are formed, and Vince creams his powdered blue
suit-pants in anticipation of "the Madness" meeting "the Mania". Seriously, anymore enthusiastically homoerotic, and
Vince would have given Jesse a reach around. Randy Savage Vs. Honky Tonk Man: (12/26/87); They follow up with MSG network coverage of Savage and Honky in a rematch that sees Jimmy
Hart suspended in a cage and Peggy "Sherri Martel" Sue is in Honky's corner as a result. Not nearly as good as their first
SNME offering, and an extremely quick match as well. Savage is dominating when the ref gets bumped and HTM uses the belt to
knock Savage to the floor. Just as the Referee is about to count out Savage, he calls for the bell remembering Honky's use
of the IC belt and suddenly disqualifying Honky Tonk Man. Bleh. Very weak finish
here, and unless the referee has the same condition as the fucking dude in Memento, it’s one that made little sense.
"Where am I? Am I chasing these wrestlers, or are they chasing me? What's this picture in my pocket? 'Jimmy Hart--Don't Believe
His Lies.' Strange." Side note: This is where the HTM feud ends on this tape, and I'm surprised they didn't show
the February Main Event "final title shot" for Savage that has so much historical significance, but hey, it is WWE, remember?
Continuity has never been their strongest suit. Hell, this is the same company that put Jimmy Snuka and Roddy Piper on the
SAME TEAM at Survivor Series ‘89 despite the fact that Snuka wanted to kill Piper for years. Although, in Snuka's defense, Piper’s
skirt and longish hair did make him look kind of like a woman. I could see how he could make that mistake. And call Vince
to come over with a shovel and a burlap sack. Winner:
Randy Savage by DQ. Randy Savage Vs. Ted DiBiase: (03/07/88); This was the tester for the WWF Title tournament final that appeared on the March SNME
broadcast that also saw Hulk Hogan's surprisingly hardcore performance against Harley Race that eventually lead to the
end the Handsome one's wrestling career. (When was the last time you heard that Hogan worked too snug?). Anyway, the story
here is to get across the fact that with Andre The Giant in his corner, DiBiase would be unstoppable and easily win the tournament.
This one is significantly cut and Savage gets manhandled by The Giant causing a count-out win for Teddy boy. After the match, there’s the inevitable Heel beatdown, as In a side note: To let you know how truly clueless I was as a fan at the time, I didn't see the
handwriting on the wall with all this Savage and Hogan business, and actually insisted to my friends that if Hogan didn't
win the tourney, that Bam Bam Bigelow surely would. Of course, I wore neon jammers and acid wash pants too at the time and
thought I was pretty fucking stylin’, so my judgment may not have been the most reputable. But if you needed a
dude whose ensemble glowed in the dark, I was definitely your man. The tournament actually rolls around and they review Savage's four victories that actually set
the record for longest in-ring time in a single Wrestlemania PPV at that point. A record eventually eclipsed by unmatched
athlete and known ironman, Viscera. Or not. It was really HBK and Bret, but hey, fuck you for doubting Vis. Randy Savage Vs. “The Natural” Butch Reed: (03/27/88); Now, knowing the political horse-shit that was going on with Reed at the time, I'm surprised
he actually showed up to put over Savage here when he didn't even bother to show up when he was going to get the IC belt the
previous summer. And for the record, Butch was called "The Natural" because he had "blond" hair. Which I understand is a
real rarity for black men apparently. Who knew. What's next, fucking Riki Ataki gets an Irish gimmick?
Anyway, Savage does his usual human punching bag routine prevalent throughout his stints as a
Face. Butch goes up presumably for his flying clothesline tackle finish, but he's jawing with Liz and moseying a little too
slow and Savage throws him off Flair-style and hits the elbow to send Butch and his "natural" head of hair down south to Atlanta,
where I'm pretty sure the inappropriate conversation he just had with a Southern white woman and said hair color
just might get him lynched. No wonder he wore a mask for 2 years! Ahem. Randy Savage Vs. Greg Valentine (03/27/88); The surprising thing here is that they just didn't pull the trigger on Savage/Steamboat
2, instead of putting Valentine over the Dragon. Especially since The Hammer had been used as fodder in the new Dream Team
in the previous months leading to the show and didn’t exactly have very much in the way of momentum going into
this thing. And speaking of which, who'd ever think the team of Valentine and DINO BRAVO was a dream, anyway? What
a masochist that booker was. A dream? Come on. Maybe like that one where you go to school without pants. Anyway,
a Savage victory over Steamboat would erase that one black mark on his record, and considering they were putting all
their eggs in Macho's ridiculously tie-died basket, I'm surprised they didn't. ...Or
am I? The WWF still had this whole philosophy that if we saw two "good guys" fight our collective heads would explode.
"Can. Not. Choose. Too . Much. Goodness!" BOOOOOOM. Anyway, this is also J.I.P. and we see Hammer working Savage's leg to put over that Randy would
be a physical mess going into the next matches. Finally, Valentine tries to apply the figure four but Savage steals page 132
of the Flair playbook (skipping the chapter where he pulls an inebriated Arn Anderson's head out of the commode) and
secures the inside cradle for the win. Or SMALL PACKAGE as it was known in the WWF. Don't ever accept a Christmas gift
from Vince if it's in a tiny box, lest you be prepared to be rolled into an uncomfortably small ball! Or something.
Randy Savage Vs. One Man Gang (03/27/88); If he was a One Man Gang, then why did he need Slick? Isn't that like calling your team
the Lone Rangers? Anyway, this was several months before Gang would "re-discover" his "African" roots, and become one
of the worst (albeit perversely funny) characters in modern wrestling history: Akeem The African Dream, going from morbidly
obese white guy… to morbidly obese white guy who thinks he’s black. Actually, I see people like this all
the time at the mall…. Anyway, Savage basically avoids Gang's bulk, and they do a cheesy DQ spot where OMG tries in
vain to shish kabob Macho Man with Slick's "pimpin' cane, but the referee sees it and gives the duke to Macho advancing him
to the final round. My heart goes out to Gang, though. He was THIS close. I guess it's back to the gang clubhouse where you
sit all by yourself? Holy shit. That's why he never bothered to learn any of those cool gang signs, because
he's the only fucking member.He clearly never thought this whole One Man Gang thing through... Randy Savage Vs. Ted DiBiase (03/27/88); This was the tournament final, and as far as main event’s go, this was probably Wrestlemania’s
best one up to this point. (Although with an immobile Andre and Mr. T getting the top spots previously, it's no wonder why).
The story here is that with Andre in DiBiase's corner, and after eliminating Hogan in the Quarter finals on DiBiase's behalf,
it looked like smooth sailing for The Million Dollar Anyway, Savage looks to finish with the flying elbow but DiBiase rolls clear and breaks
out The Million Dollar Dream for the first time (he had been using a crazy blind reverse elbow off the 2nd buckle prior).
Andre then gets the ref's attention so Hulk slides in and pole-axe's DiBiase with a chair allowing Savage to recover
and hit an impossibly far flying elbow to win the Undisputed (as it's announced) WWF Title. HEY! I thought After the win, Hogan of course stays behind and passes the torch to Macho, and by "pass the torch"
I mean soak up Randy's moment so people won't forget who it was really all about,Bruther. Randy Savage Vs. One Man Gang: (04/22/88); This was billed as Savage's first title defense and it takes place on the April SNME broadcast.
OMG of course dominates the onset until a miscue by Slick and the cane meant for Savage allows Randy to hit the flying elbow
and score the pin. This was the end of Gang in that incarnation as a few weeks later he put on the giant Easter
Egg and became Akeem. There was even a big tribal ceremony and everything with African Bushmen dancing and chanting...in
an alley in Chicago. Yes. I'd say that's a little bit of a deter from the fucking Serengeti. This was about as
awkward as Gang having to initiate himself into his own Gang. You know, because he's one man, and umm, never mind.
Randy
Savage Vs. Ted DiBiase: (05/27/88); Randy and Ted climb back on that horse, this time at MSG where they proceed to put on a clinic.
Randy treats the gonorrhea and Ted tests someone for Chlamydia. They're quite the medical duo. Or maybe they just had
a good match. Whatever. Anyway, it's sad to see how they dropped the ball with DiBiase in his prime. And not just
the one he kicked out of the hands of a diminutive black child. Savage collides with DiBiase at one point opening up
Ted's nose hard-way. They come up with a creative spot that sees them simultaneously ram each other's heads into the exposed
turnbuckle. Savage lands on DiBiase and looks to collect the win when Virgil intervenes and causes the disqualification. Oh
that Virgil. He's good for more than shirtlessly cleaning up Ted's winter residence in the Netherlands Antilles. Why hasn't
anyone ever looked into that, by the way? Every time I've ever demanded my cleaning woman dust shirtless, I get a sexual harassment
lawsuit. Am I doing it wrong? Randy Savage Vs. Virgil: (05/10/88); Funny story with Virgil. He had just come off a run in the AWA as Soultrain Jones when
brought in to be DiBiase's "bodyguard". The company actually named him "Virgil" as a rib to Dusty Rhodes whose real name is
Virgil Runnels. The other funny thing about Virgil is that in reality, he would be the worst bodyguard in history,
as he got his ass kicked just about every night. Even funnier is that he
also *allegedly* got his WWF job when he unfurled his cock on Pat Patterson's desk, if you believe certain urban legends.
Funny, that never ever seemed to work whenever I applied for a job. Maybe because it was a Rape Crisis hotline call
center. Maybe. Anyway, Virgil was not so far removed from full time wrestling here and put on a credible
match with Macho Man on an episode of WWF Superstars. A show that by way of the usual line-up, probably should have been
called "WWF Superstars...along with a lot of fat shaggy white people that have like no chance". Anyway, DiBiase is in
Virgil's corner in this "non-title" match (Back in these days the company still adhered to somewhat of a realistic contender
system) and subsequently interfered at every turn. It has to be noted here that Jesse Ventura while on color, never turned
against Randy Savage even though Macho was now a “face” and Anyway, it would be about 6 years until Virgil actually got a win in the WWF. Coincidentally
enough against his own employer Ted DiBiase. They spun some storyline that Virgil all those years just "took the abuse" because
he was "feeding his family": But once the motherfucker won that Million Dollar belt, he didn't trade it in for food stamps
or some shit, and just wore it around until he lost it. Clearly, Virgil was as terrible a provider as he was a bodyguard.
After the match, Savage and DiBiase would try to brawl but be broke up by a seemingly unending
crop of Z-list TV Wrestlers. Which was funny, because how often do you get to see guys like Mike Sharpe and Brian Costello
bumping elbows with the World Champion? This reminds me of the time fucking Horshu (Luther Reigns) slithered into the
ring and somehow celebrated with Sting at Starrcade '97. Hilarious. Although, my theory has always been that they allowed
him to be there just in case the crowd rioted. After all, what's left that can be done to that guy? Randy Savage Vs. Ted DiBiase:(06/25/88) Yet another return-match back in a time when house shows actually mattered and you'd only
see your big blow offs there. This was a steel cage match, when the company was still using the giant blue cages that looked
like shit you'd see in a children's playground. A Playground which I'm assuming sometime leased its umm, "equipment"
to The Devil, who now owns all the steel cages. Well, if Jim Ross is to be believed. The reason they used these big blue cages? Well, for one it was much easier for the
crowds and in turn TV to see the action, and 2nd … so The Hulkster could actually climb over. The clumsy
orange fuck. The end came when both Savage and DiBiase were climbing the cage simultaneously jockeying for position.
Virgil climbed up from the outside in an attempt to help pull his employer to victory. An overzealous fan (and I'm being generous
here) climbed up as well and began peppering Virgil with forearms to the back until security pulled him off. To Virgil's credit
he kept his cool not breaking his concentration on the match's finish, only attempting one mule kick that had it connected,
it would have likely killed the kid. Awesome. He washes your clothes, presses your suits, and murders errant children. What
more could you ask for in an employee. Savage continues to fight off both Ted and Virgil
as the three stood suspended on the side of the cage. Randy then managed to conk both their heads together Three Stooges
style (seriously), made DiBiase follow the direction of his hand, poked him in the eyes, ripped out a clump of his hair
(not so seriously) and then climbed to the floor to retain the WWF cough*undisputed*cough title. Nyuk, Nyuk Nyuk.
Randy
Savage Vs. Ted DiBiase: (07/30/04) You can almost hear Savage saying "This guy again?". Only you know, it'd sound more
like "thinkin' thinkin thinkin' that the Macho Man, the man that slithered with the snakes and soared with the eagles, and
been everywhere in between, is on top of the mountain, yeah, the mountain, yeah, the mountain, the top, the tippity top,
too sweet to be stopped, and the peak is crawling with madness! The Madness is outta control, ohh yeah, and it's unstoppable
and can't be stopped and won't be stopped and can't be, no it can't, and it can't and it won't, no it won't, yeah, and
uhh, yeah, I'm the champion of champions and a champion of champions, your champion, everyone's champion, and yeah, Ted
DiBiase, yeah. Dig it." And sadly, that's almost a fucking shoot. This was from the Wrestle Fest show from Milwaukee's county stadium that featured Hogan and Andre
in a Steel cage, in addition to the infamous "weasel suit" match between Ultimate Warrior and Bobby Heenan (not to be confused
with the brutal weasel suit matches between George Hackenshmidt and Frank Gotch in the early turn of the century...). This
one as I remember was actually axed off the video release so not to steal the thunder from the EPIC COLLISION that
was Hogan and Andre in a Cage that moved at such a tedious pace, you can actually see people disintegrating in the background
from advanced age. Savage and DiBiase continue their streak of good matches here and DiBiase of course controls
the majority of the match until Savage is seemingly beaten but manages to pull off a quick small package to retain the title
as the crowd explodes. Literally. Verne Gagne had Da Crusher plant a bomb in the crowd for daring to run Milwaukee.
Or not. At this point, we get our Summer Slam’88 build, as Savage needs a tag team partner
to face DiBiase & Andre. BUT WHO WILL IT BE??? Hacksaw Jim Duggan? If you just said "Holy shit, Sean, as if!"
Apparently you were a smarter 11 year old boy than I was. And yes, in my 1988 markness, I actually thought it would be HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN. I am so not
kidding. But to the surprise of no one (except me) it was Hulk Hogan, fresh off the set of No Holds Barred, where he went
tête-à-huge-ridiculous-bald-tête with ZEUS. A man so dedicated to his "craft" that he spent the time he should have been learning
to fucking wrestle, getting a really cool custom "Z" shaved in his head. And you know what? That's what Vince's original
plan for Wrestlemania 6 was. Seriously. Hogan vs. Zeus. I 'm not knocking Zeus or anything, but in-ring wise, he made El Gigante
look like Ed Strangler Lewis. The motherfucker had three holds. A double standing forearm to the traps, a bearhug, and
blinking a lot. So, ya, smart move going with Warrior instead. Even though he knows only 2 more moves... The Mega-Powers Vs. The Mega-Bucks: (08/29/88); The Mega-Bucks were of course Ted DiBiase & Andre The Giant, who like star-crossed
lovers had found their way back into each other's arms after being separated since Wrestlemania. Maybe that was the real reason
Ted wore a suit that tore completely from his body in 2 seconds. I don't know. Anyway, the name "Mega-Bucks" was
obviously a play on Mega Powers, but I'm guessing that Ted was the only one bringin' any bucks to this tandem.
After all, a rich man doesn't wear the same huge pit-stained hound's-tooth jacket for 20 years straight...
This match is also famous for two other reasons, one being that it's the point where any
Randy Savage originality was lost as they began dressing Savage in Hulk's colors, all but tipping their hat (dew rag?) to
the audience that Randy was a lame-duck champion and that Hogan was the real "star"; and two being: Getting as close to T
& A as you were going to get in 1988 from Jesse Ventura also served as Referee, as they teased his being bought off by Ted DiBiase going
in. I'm guessing Humphrey is kicking himself that he didn't use this footage during that 1998 Governor's race. "He takes
bribes from pantsless Millionaires who abuse their negro houseboys!" Come on. It's a sex/ financial/race scandal
all rolled up into one! I should so be a political adviser. Anyway, Hogan and Savage of course go over after said Liz skirt-dropping, with a combination
Flying elbow/Big Leg and a Hulk cover of DiBiase while Savage physically forced Exactly. FINAL THOUGHTS: The video was quite good as Savage was probably the best all around wrestler
in the company at the time. Even if his promos made as much sense as trying to decipher the Dead Sea Scrolls after ingesting
a sack of Mushrooms. My only complaint though is that it actually only encompassed about half of Savage's one year
reign, as from here he went on to feud with the likes of Dino Bravo and Bad News Brown (who interestingly enough was
also promised the WWF belt) before of course going psycho and accusing Hulk Hogan of having eyes for Elizabeth (not to be
confused with the REAL LIFE Randy Savage). If only they had just waited about 6 months more, and captured the AWESOME build
to WrestleMania 5 with Hulk Hogan, it could have been that much better. Yeah, dig
it. And I did. Thumbs up. I’m Sean.
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TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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