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 Welcome To The Vault! In This Edition, Harry Simon Goes Back To Yesteryear To Bring Us WWF Superstars: The Music Video!

WWF SUPERSTARS - THE MUSIC VIDEO
Approx running time: 40 min
Time period covered: 1993
Released: 1993
Host: Randy Savage

Okay, a couple years ago, I started my quest to review every Coliseum Video ever made. Plenty of 'em have buried treasures that deserve some ink. On the other hand, they also boast some of the stupidest crap you'll ever see in your life. The only rule I made was that in order for me to review it, it had to actually have matches on it. That's why you won't see stuff like the 1985 "Bloopers, Bleeps & Bodyslams" or "WWF's Biggest, Smallest, Strangest, Strongest." But for reasons that are about to become depressingly clear, I felt that this video had to be immortalized.

Savage opened the video from the set of WWF Mania. He's just way too hyper for a fella his age.

First up is the "Wrestlemania" video. "Ohhhh, ohhhh, it's Wrestlemania." See, you just memorized 80% of the lyrics. Think that's bad? The heart of this stinker was a montage from your favorite WWF superstars. Jim Duggan freestyled. Tatanka talked to his hands from inside a humidor. Bossman played with his stick. Ironically, Mean Gene dovetailed Bossman's bit by asking "Who will survive?!" Gene, you heartless bastard! The man is dead! Please, a little decorum! Bret Hart bragged about being World champion. Bossman now has handcuffs. Gene again asked "Who will survive?!" This so wrong on so many levels, I need to learn three more languages just to begin scratching the surface of its wrongitude. The video played over clips of various highspots.

Back in the studio, Savage was singing the lyrics, off-key. It's only gonna get worse, people.

Next up were the angles that sparked the Bam Bam Bigelow-Tatanka feud. Bigelow bullied Sensational Sherri (who had turned babyface after Shawn Michaels used her as a shield when Marty Jannetty tried to hit him with a mirror). Tatanka came to Sherri's defense. The BBB-Tatanka brawl was nothing compared to battle going on that pit Sherri's cleavage against her top. Later in the show, Tatanka was due to compete in the ring. His music hit, but he was a no-show. The video wall backstage showed that Bigelow had pearled Tatanka's harbor and shamed him by cutting off some of his hair, which 'Tanka had dyed red to symbolize the bloodlines of Indians. Stop looking at me like that! I didn't book this crap!

Back to Savage, who talked about himself in third person. Next was the angle where Bret Hart wrestled Bigelow on Raw and Jerry Lawler showed up to insult Bret's parents, who were watching from the balcony. Bret bailed on the match to go after Lawler, getting himself counted out in the process.

They then showed the finish of the Bret-Lawler match at SummerSlam 93. Bret won with the sharpshooter, but wouldn't release the hold, so he lost the match via reverse-decision DQ. This was the only time I liked a RD finish.

Savage offered Bret words of comfort, saying that sometimes you have to go backwards to go forwards. Just say no, kids.

Video #2 is the "SummerSlam Jam" video. Pretty much the same music as the "Wrestlemania" song, this time with some annoying schmuck screaming "Slam! Slam Jam!" over and over. Again, they had wrestlers not so much singing as they were talking to themselves. That's kinda how I feel right now. Another highspot montage.

Savage was dancing with the makeup woman in the studio. Somehow, I just don't think this made Elizabeth jealous.

Next was the early-93 angle that saw Duggan face Yokozuna in not a match, but a challenge to see if Duggan could knock Yoko off his feet. After two unsuccessful charges, Duggan ducked a clothesline and finally toppled Yoko with a shoulderblock. Big pop for the first time someone floored Yoko. Duggan's celebration was cut short when Yoko emptied the contents of his salt bucket into Duggan's face. You know, I was never a big fan of the salt bucket gimmick. Yoko eventually kicked the bucket in 2000. Duggan stumbled around as his face was covered in white powder. Hardly the first time Duggan had experienced such a thing. Yoko gave Duggan several Banzai drops, then laid the American flag on his carcass for the grand finale Banzai drop. On commentary, Vince McMahon actually compared Yoko's attack to Pearl Harbor. Yeah, that's not tasteless or anything. Duggan was stretchered out. The announcers fell silent as the camera zoomed in on the disgraced stars-n-stripes in the ring.

Savage solemnly explained what the Yoko angle meant to an entire generation of fans. He was interrupted by Gorilla Monsoon, who just happened to be walking around in a suit and tie, I guess. Savage immediately rubbed up against Gorilla. People, I wish I was making this up.

Next up was a behind-scenes-look at the making of Duggan's "USA" video. Duggan looked and acted as effeminate as humanly possible, showing up in an oversized pink sweatshirt and shimmying around. The video itself followed. Duggan seemed to be explaining his philosophy on life to his 2x4. This was the worst one yet. You know who was the biggest babyface in the world to me after I watched this? Hacksaw's cancerous tumor.

Savage marveled at Hacksaw's video, then stole his thunder by segueing into his own video. What a douche.

Time for another behind-the-scenes feature on the making of the video. Okay, now they're just wasting our time.

Savage dedicated his video to the children. He didn't say whose.

Time for the last video, Randy Savage's own "Speaking From The Heart" music video. He opened by ripping off Dusty Rhodes' "tower of power, too sweet to be sour" line. He stole Duggan's "Hooooo," too. Okay, now THAT'S over the line. You don't swipe another wrestler's ho. Did Savage like it when Luger stole his? I think not. The rest of the video was basically Savage having a psychotic episode set to really bad music.

That was it. Not even a sign-off from Savage.

Overall over-analysis: Okay, four lousy videos, two lousier behind-the-scenes features, no full matches, and three angles where the heels totally humiliated and got the better of the babyfaces. This was the most pointless Coliseum Video EVER. But from a trivia standpoint, it's indisputable proof that Savage was singing badly long before he embarked on a rap career. But that's another column.

This Observer's Thumb.........is WAY down.

-HDS-

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).