Welcome To The Vault! In This Edition, Harry Simon Goes Back To
Yesteryear To Bring Us WWF Superstars: The Music Video!
WWF SUPERSTARS - THE MUSIC VIDEO
Approx running time: 40 min
Time period covered: 1993
Host: Randy Savage
Okay, a couple years ago, I started my quest to review every Coliseum Video
ever made. Plenty of 'em have buried treasures that deserve some ink. On the other hand, they also boast some of the stupidest
crap you'll ever see in your life. The only rule I made was that in order for me to review it, it had to actually have matches
on it. That's why you won't see stuff like the 1985 "Bloopers, Bleeps & Bodyslams" or "WWF's Biggest, Smallest, Strangest,
Strongest." But for reasons that are about to become depressingly clear, I felt that this video had to be immortalized.
Savage opened the video from the set of WWF Mania. He's just way too hyper for
a fella his age.
First up is the "Wrestlemania" video. "Ohhhh, ohhhh, it's Wrestlemania." See, you
just memorized 80% of the lyrics. Think that's bad? The heart of this stinker was a montage from your favorite WWF superstars.
Jim Duggan freestyled. Tatanka talked to his hands from inside a humidor. Bossman played with his stick. Ironically, Mean
Gene dovetailed Bossman's bit by asking "Who will survive?!" Gene, you heartless bastard! The man is dead! Please, a little
decorum! Bret Hart bragged about being World champion. Bossman now has handcuffs. Gene again asked "Who will survive?!" This
so wrong on so many levels, I need to learn three more languages just to begin scratching the surface of its wrongitude. The
video played over clips of various highspots.
Back in the studio, Savage was singing the lyrics, off-key. It's only gonna get
Next up were the angles that sparked the Bam Bam Bigelow-Tatanka feud. Bigelow
bullied Sensational Sherri (who had turned babyface after Shawn Michaels used her as a shield when Marty Jannetty tried to
hit him with a mirror). Tatanka came to Sherri's defense. The BBB-Tatanka brawl was nothing compared to battle going on that
pit Sherri's cleavage against her top. Later in the show, Tatanka was due to compete in the ring. His music hit, but he was
a no-show. The video wall backstage showed that Bigelow had pearled Tatanka's harbor and shamed him by cutting off some of
his hair, which 'Tanka had dyed red to symbolize the bloodlines of Indians. Stop looking at me like that! I didn't book this
Back to Savage, who talked about himself in third person. Next was the angle where
Bret Hart wrestled Bigelow on Raw and Jerry Lawler showed up to insult Bret's parents, who were watching from the balcony.
Bret bailed on the match to go after Lawler, getting himself counted out in the process.
They then showed the finish of the Bret-Lawler match at SummerSlam 93. Bret won
with the sharpshooter, but wouldn't release the hold, so he lost the match via reverse-decision DQ. This was the only time
I liked a RD finish.
Savage offered Bret words of comfort, saying that sometimes you have to go backwards
to go forwards. Just say no, kids.
Video #2 is the "SummerSlam Jam" video. Pretty much the same music as the "Wrestlemania"
song, this time with some annoying schmuck screaming "Slam! Slam Jam!" over and over. Again, they had wrestlers not so much
singing as they were talking to themselves. That's kinda how I feel right now. Another highspot montage.
Savage was dancing with the makeup woman in the studio. Somehow, I just don't think
this made Elizabeth jealous.
Next was the early-93 angle that saw Duggan face Yokozuna in not a match, but a
challenge to see if Duggan could knock Yoko off his feet. After two unsuccessful charges, Duggan ducked a clothesline and
finally toppled Yoko with a shoulderblock. Big pop for the first time someone floored Yoko. Duggan's celebration was cut short
when Yoko emptied the contents of his salt bucket into Duggan's face. You know, I was never a big fan of the salt bucket gimmick.
Yoko eventually kicked the bucket in 2000. Duggan stumbled around as his face was covered in white powder. Hardly the first
time Duggan had experienced such a thing. Yoko gave Duggan several Banzai drops, then laid the American flag on his carcass
for the grand finale Banzai drop. On commentary, Vince McMahon actually compared Yoko's attack to Pearl Harbor. Yeah, that's
not tasteless or anything. Duggan was stretchered out. The announcers fell silent as the camera zoomed in on the disgraced
stars-n-stripes in the ring.
Savage solemnly explained what the Yoko angle meant to an entire generation of
fans. He was interrupted by Gorilla Monsoon, who just happened to be walking around in a suit and tie, I guess. Savage immediately
rubbed up against Gorilla. People, I wish I was making this up.
Next up was a behind-scenes-look at the making of Duggan's "USA" video. Duggan
looked and acted as effeminate as humanly possible, showing up in an oversized pink sweatshirt and shimmying around. The video
itself followed. Duggan seemed to be explaining his philosophy on life to his 2x4. This was the worst one yet. You know who
was the biggest babyface in the world to me after I watched this? Hacksaw's cancerous tumor.
Savage marveled at Hacksaw's video, then stole his thunder by segueing into his
own video. What a douche.
Time for another behind-the-scenes feature on the making of the video. Okay, now
they're just wasting our time.
Savage dedicated his video to the children. He didn't say whose.
Time for the last video, Randy Savage's own "Speaking From The Heart" music video.
He opened by ripping off Dusty Rhodes' "tower of power, too sweet to be sour" line. He stole Duggan's "Hooooo," too. Okay,
now THAT'S over the line. You don't swipe another wrestler's ho. Did Savage like it when Luger stole his? I think not. The
rest of the video was basically Savage having a psychotic episode set to really bad music.
That was it. Not even a sign-off from Savage.
Overall over-analysis: Okay, four lousy videos, two lousier behind-the-scenes
features, no full matches, and three angles where the heels totally humiliated and got the better of the babyfaces. This was
the most pointless Coliseum Video EVER. But from a trivia standpoint, it's indisputable proof that Savage was singing badly
long before he embarked on a rap career. But that's another column.
This Observer's Thumb.........is WAY down.