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 Welcome To The Vault! In This Edition, Harry Simon Goes Back To Yesteryear To Bring Us WWF's Bloopers, Bleeps And Bodyslams!


Approx running time: 2 hours
Time period covered: 1993 - 1994
Released: 1994
Host: Hillbilly Jim

Before we get going, I should mention that this video has the dubious honor of being the first full Coliseum Video that was inducted into www.WrestleCrap.com. R.D. Reynolds did a heroic job of dissecting this thing, and I'll try not to belabor any points he already covered. There's enough farce fodder to go around, though.

Hillbilly Jim welcomed us from the workout room in Titan Tower. He was wearing his lucky horseshoe that worked so well, his career was completely phased out after he started bringing it to the ring. Historical Trivbit: It was here that Hillbilly invented the "hooty-hoo" catchphrase that Master P eventually ripped off.

1) IC champion Razor Ramon pinned Evil Japanese Crush (w/ Mr. Fuji) to retain the title at 7:09 [12/15/93]. I still can't figure out what in the hell screeching tires had to do with Razor's gimmick. Razor suspiciously didn't wear his bling to the ring. I think they were doing an angle at this point where IRS claimed Razor was a tax cheat, so he repossessed it (seriously). The storyline here was that Crush kept overpowering and out-cheating "The Bad Guy." This match just plain dragged, though there was good heat for Razor's eventual comeback. Crush dropped a knee off the top, but Razor got his foot on the rope. An oblivious Crush celebrated anyway, allowing Razor to schoolboy Crush for the pin. (Schoolboy finish #1.) Horribly boring match. (Chris)

Hillbilly called Gorilla Monsoon "The Dean." I guess what with 1994 being the year of Vince's steroid trial, they didn't have the budget to actually have Hillbilly travel down south and urinate on Gordon Solie's grave. Anyway, Hillbilly threw to a montage of Gorilla bloopers, all of which consisted of Gorilla saying "re-rack" on camera (meaning he wanted a re-take). Unfunny, but on the plus side, I was relieved that they resisted the urge to dust off the footage of Gorilla walking out on stage with his fly unzipped at the first Slammy Awards in 1985.

2) Tag champions Rick & Scott Steiner beat The Headshrinkers (w/ Afa) to retain the title at 12:58 [?/93]. Good brawling and execution, but nothing you haven't seen a million billion times before. The 'Shrinkers set up their finisher of Fatu doing a splash off the top while Samu, um, stood there and watched. The future Big Poppa Pump tripped the future Rikishi, which distracted Samu, so The DFG schoolboyed 'Mu for the pin. (Schoolboy finish #2.) Okay match, but disappointing. It wasn't as good as their match at WM9, which was also disappointing, considering that these were two of best kick-ass teams of the late-80s/early-90s. (David)

3) Rick Martel beat Owen Hart via countout at 8:25 [9/28/93]. Unintentionally funny spot saw Martel mistime a cartwheel and almost shoot-kick Owen right in the mush. Why didn't Akira Maeda think of that? This was one of Owen's first big matches back after he ripped up his knee in a match against Bam Bam Bigelow, which pretty much ended his high-flying "Rocket" days. Owen readjusted his style and was still a very good worker. Martel could still go, too, so this was a good match for them both, and they worked well enough together. Martel threw Owen out of the ring and distracted the ref so Jerry Lawler could run down and post Owen for the countout. You'd think that big cape would cause serious drag as he tried to run. Martel was funny as he counted along with the ref. Good stuff, but too short and a screwy finish meant neither guy could really strut their stuff. (David)

Time for some more blah bloopers (or "blahpers," as I will be referring to them from now on). This time, we see Vince bumbling around and everyone ignoring Todd Pettengill while the tape machines on his set of went haywire. Hillbilly seemed surprised when they came back to him. ("Oh, hello folks!) For some reason, he wasn't tipped off by that big thing in front of his face with the lens, tripod, and red light.

4) Tatanka beat World champion Yokozuna (w/ Fuji) by DQ at 7:23 so Yoko retained the title [?/93]. They explained that Yoko put Tatanka on the shelf for five months with multiple banzai drops in the match where Ludvig Borga ended Tatanka's two-year undefeated streak. Yoko was so underrated. He was great as a bumping monster. Yoko took over once Fuji stabbed Tatanka with the Japanese flag as 'Tanka ran the ropes. Yoke-Dog clamped on that nervehold of his. This guy was so massive, it looked like everything he did hurt. Fans showed their support of Tatanka by doing the Atlanta Braves tomahawk chop. Vince must have just loved that. They did the "chop down the big guy" routine, and Tatanka finally floored Yoko with a top-rope tomahawk chop. Just as Tatanka was picking up steam, Yoko clobbered him with the salt bucket for the DQ. You know, I was never a big fan of the salt bucket. Yoko would eventually kick the bucket in 2000. Yoko was about to give Tatanka a banzai drop, but Randy Savage made the save. (Mike)

5) IC champion Razor & Marty Jannetty beat IRS & Diesel by DQ at 10:57 [10/20/93]. Razor & MJ were an on-again off-again tag team in the mid-90s, not just on some of these Coliseum Videos, but even at the IYH5 PPV (where they beat Sid & 1-2-3 Kid). Imagine the locker room parties had they become a regular team. On commentary, The Dean insisted that Jannetty carried The Rockers. Storyline here was each team had a technician and a strongman. It worked. The crowd was hot, chanting for "Marty" while he was getting beat on. MJ finally made the hot tag and Razor cleaned house. Razor was pounding on Diesel in the corner when IRS hit him with the briefcase for the deja-DQ. (Mike)

This go-round's blahpers feature Lord Alfred Hayes, Gorilla and Polo. Hillbilly Jim was on the lat machine, where he was apparently lifting 16 lbs. What a wuss.

6) Doink The Clown (w/ Dink) beat Bam Bam Bigelow (w/ Luna Vachon) via countout with 9:53 shown [2/22/94, clipped]. This "match" opened with the guys getting into a tug-of-war over Dink while Polo reminisced about watching Butcher Vachon getting married on the old TNT show. Gorilla then surprisingly said, "I can't think of any marriages that took place here in the World Wrestling Federation that worked out." I guess he figured that if he was going to do a shoot, it might as well be on this poster bout for the fast-forward button. Doink locked in an STF, but Luna raked his eyes while Dink had referee Bill Alfonso tied up. BBB put a front facelock on Doink, prompting Dink to run-in and break it up. Polo imitated Beavis. I guess that made Gorilla - Well, you know. Doink worked over Bigelow's arm for so long, they actually made a jump-cut. God only knows how bad this thing was in its entirety. Dink kicked Luna in the rear. BBB and Luna had Dink cornered, but the little guy escaped their dives. Doink finally bodyslammed BBB and the crowd popped. Luna tripped Doink, allowing BBB to hit his flying headbutt finisher. Dink challenged BBB to fisticuffs. The idiot crowd laughed. Dink stomped Luna's foot, ran the ropes, and collided headfirst into Bam Bam's balls balls. Both guys sold it huge, as BBB tumbled outside the ring for the countout. "Serves him right," yelled an indignant Dean. BBB teased giving Dink the flying headbutt, but Doink dragged his limp midget away. Hey, don't feel bad, buddy. We've all had nights like that. As you might surmise, this abortion was a complete waste of time. Bigelow deserved so much better than this stupid feud. It still beat losing to a football player, though. But not by much. (kevin)

7) E.J. Crush (w/ Fuji) pinned Bret Hart at 14:20 [2/21/94]. Solid storyline as even Crush's strength was no match for the guile and expertise of best-in-the-biz Bret. Polo told Gorilla he was the "MTV Generation," while Gorilla was the "Maytag Generation." Gorilla replied, "Maytags are still around, and unfortunately, so is MTV." Yeah, and if not for MTV and the rock-n'-wrestling connection, the first Wrestlemania wouldn't have been such a phenomenon and the WWF never would have achieved the highs it did. Finish saw Crush miss a kneedrop off the top and Bret go for the sharpshooter. Fuji distracted Bret, but Bret side-stepped Crush, who bonked into his own manager. Bret small-packaged EJC, but Owen (who had turned heel since our third match) ran-in and reversed the small package, putting Crush on top for the three-count as the ref returned to action. I dunno, I think I would've put this match on before the Crush-Razor match so fans would think EJC might actually have a chance at winning the IC gold. Good match, thanks to Bret. (David)

Gorilla and Pettengill are back with more blahpers. Oh, stop the pain already.

8) IC champion Shawn Michaels (w/ Diesel) beat Jannetty to retain the title in a cage match by escaping at 13:13 [8/17/93]. This match is best-remembered for Polo firing off the best line of his color commentary career.

Polo (to Gorilla): "Were you an arm-wrestler, Gorilla?"

Gorilla: "Yes, I was."

Polo: "How were you?"

Gorilla: "I used to eat guys like you for breakfast."

Polo: "Yeah, but how'd you do in arm-wrestling?"

MJ took over early, including the worst mistimed dropkick of his career. He then hooked HBK's leg in a pin attempt despite the fact that there was no referee in the ring. MJ looked lost for a second, and Michaels seemed pissed at having to drag his ex-partner back on track. Party Marty strikes again! MJ caught HBK's attempted dropkick and catapulted him into the cage. He covered Michaels again, but this time, referee Bill Alfonso darted in the ring to count a nearfall. Same thing happened over on "Inside The WWF." This led to Gorilla and Polo debating the merits of having pinfall rules in a cage match. Gorilla openly asked why they should bother to put up a cage if pinfalls counted. Polo (the goofy heel) then actually had to point out to Gorilla that the cage kept the heel from running away. After this exchange, Polo gave up and started singing "Come On Baby Light My Fire." Just plain surreal. Diesel held the door shut so Jannetty couldn't escape through the door. Jannetty finally kicked the door into Diesel's face (which he no-sold). Michaels dragged MJ back in and got in some offense, but Jannetty stopped him from escaping through the door. As the lads rolled around together, Grumpy Old Gorilla yelled that if they had a wide shot, "They could see this better." GOG then yelled, "Come on, Kerwin! Get your stuff together!" (Kerwin = The director.) Michaels tried to escape, but MJ grabbed him by the tights. The exposure of half an HBK asscheek led Gorilla to exclaim that they'd suddenly become X-rated. Um, has Gorilla ever actually SEEN an X-rated movie? Surely, he's seen the adult film classic, "Katie Bars The Backdoor." He quotes it all the time. More of the same as the guys tried to escape from the commentary of this match. They were stuck, just like we were. They slugged it out on top of the cage, ending with Jannetty slamming Michaels off the top of the cage in an awesome bump. The crowd went nuts. Diesel climbed the cage to cut off Marty's escape yet again. Diesel took the first (and last) bump of his career. As Marty climbed, Michaels crawled for the door. The good ol' "photo finish" spot never fails and the crowd was precumming for Marty to win. But naturally, Michaels dove out through the door and made it to the floor first. Good match, but not nearly as good as the classics they've had on Raw. (David)

9) Randy Savage pinned Jerry Lawler [9/28/93]. Had this tape been produced today, they would have had some convoluted angle where the CEO/President/Commissioner/GM would have decreed that since Lawler and Savage couldn't keep themselves from interfering in the matches of others, they would have to wrestle each other later in the tape. They spent so much time brawling outside, Grumpy Old Gorilla asked, "Why did they even bother to put the ring up for this match?" Looking back, Grumpy Old Gorilla was the blueprint for today's Angry Mike Tenay. Anyway, my copy cut off before this match ended, but I know Savage won with a schoolboy. (Schoolboy finish #3.)

I'm sure Hillbilly signed off from inside Titan Tower. He just hasn't been fun since the version of him on the "Rock n' Wrestling" cartoon upstaged him. Cartoon Hillbilly always had some precocious little critter hiding with him, ready to help save the day. Like a porcupine in his overalls. Or a skunk under his hat. Or an armadillo down his trousers when he used to "accidentally" rub up against Wendi Richter. Ah, those were the days. But you sold out, Hillbilly. I have nothing further to say to you, sir.

Overall over-analysis: Well, there weren't any bleeps, the bloopers weren't funny, and come to think of it, there weren't a whole lot of bodyslams, either. Aside from that, at least none of the matches were all that great (though the cage match was good, as was the Bret match). Then there was the fact that Mr. Fuji was ringside for 33.3% of this tape's action. That ain't a plus. Oh yeah, this thing was WrestleCrap all right. One of the worst home videos Vince ever pinched out.

This Observer's Thumb.........is down.


(Match dates courtesy of www.prowrestlinghistory.com)

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).