Anyway we're in Ohio or some place with a lot of corn, as usual. Starting things off tonight is Matt Hardy who is going to fulfill his dream and FINALLY win an unimportant singles title which he says is will be a huge milestone in his career that a big black guy has been cheating him out of for months! Wait.
ECW Championship Scramble Match - Matt Hardy vs Miz vs Finlay vs Chavo Guerrero vs ECW Champion Mark Henry
WWE is kind enough to supply the rules of this match, just in case the weeks of repeating it on tv wasn't enough to drive the point home that the match is twenty minutes long and whoever last pinned somebody or made somebody submit at the end of the twenty minutes is the new champion. Crazy shit, I know. Starting things off in this CONFUSING CONVOLUTED CLUSTERFUCK will be Matt Hardy and The Miz, who is here tonight without tag partner John Morrison and thus any hope of winning or looking good out ther e. They each start off by exchanging very basic offense, so Miz of course has the advantage in his style of match. Hardy however has been doing flips in the woods for years and didn't get pulled out of OVW Basic Training about thirteen days too early and so levels Miz with a powerbomb for two. Lots of clotheslines and headlocks still, until Miz gets confident enough to come off and hit a quick Reality Check. Hardy rolls out of the ring to spare the world the unfathomable possibility of the Miz being a world champion in any regard, temporary or otherwise, but Miz rolls him back in for a pin attempt. Hardy kicks free and Chavito is out in shiny purple pants. That cool motherfucker. Chavo immediately sends Miz out and lands a quick frogsplash on Matt Hardy for the pinfall. As if that would ever fucking happen in a regular match. In any event, Chavo is now the interrim champ. A little basic lucha vs basic basic as Miz's clotheslines and stomps are thwarted by Chavo and Matt's wacky jumping and athletecism and wre stling moves. Hardy off the top with an elbow to Chavo's head for two but Miz takes a page out of, well, virtually anybody's book and comes off the top with a crossbody that puts down both Hardy and Guerrero. This fires Hardy up and he dominates, culminating in his double bulldog/side effect spot and another side effect on Chavo that actually gets the pinfall. Looks like WWE's going to be short another referee real soon.
For the time being, Hardy is champion. For the time being, because Mark Henry is out to split somebody wig. Somebody bout to get their ass kick. That somebody turns out to be everybody as the three competitors all work against Mark Henry here. But this isn't a Battle Royal! I wonder what the Fan Laws have to say about this. Probably nothing, since they got deleted or something like a year ago. Oh well. Henry repeatedly shoves them all away, going self-proclaimed apeshit until he splits Chavo's wig with a pr ess slam for the win. Mark Henry is once again ECW champion and resumes dominating. He catches Chavo in a bearhug until Hardy comes flying at him, to which he responds by dropping Chavo and catching Hardy in another bearhug. This match already saw one decision made after a side effect, whose to say a bearhug won't work? Other than the Fan Laws. I'll stop. HIS NAME IS FINLAY, AND HE HATES THE BLIGHT! Finlay needs him some starches to maintain that 50+ year old physique. Finlay seems like a legitimate threat coming out as Henry regards his appearance by throwing away Matt Hardy and bracing himself for Finlay. Finlay runs into the ring and plants Henry right the fuck down with a DDT. Finlay stays in control until he gets put in another bearhug by the self-proclaimed bear, but Horny runs in for a shilaylay shot to Henry's cankle. Finlay is freed, grabs the shilaylay, and clocks the self-proclaimed lesser human being in head. Wig, excuse me. Finlay then hits the Celtic Cross on Hardy for the pinfall. FINLAY IS FIN ALLY WORLD CHAMPION! After all those years of fighting in carnivals and bars around the world, or, whatever. However the Miz creeps up onto the turnbuckle and comes off with a missle dropkick, but Hardy is quick to hit the Twist of Fate for the pin on Miz. Ah, well. Ye had a good run, laddy. Henry is staggering on the apron and the announcer's claim this is Matt Hardy's DREAM! Aiming for the middle, some dreamer. Chavo comes off with a frogsplash on Miz but Hardy breaks it up. Henry then resumes dominance, planting everybody with his shit and covering but Matt Hardy is there to break it up every time. Soon Finlay tries for a rollup on Hardy and then a Celtic Cross but Henry is there with his TREE TRUNK LEG to take Finlay out. Fun atmosphere as Henry continues scoring nearfalls on anybody he can only to be ruined by Matt. The match is almost over and Miz and Chavo get tossed out. Finlay plants Hardy with a slam and tries to pin but Chavo scrambles back in to break it up. Everybody is trying to pin and block pins that the clock runs out and Matt Hardy is declared the new ECW Champion.
Winner and NEW ECW Champion : Matt Freakin' Hardy
At least it wasn't Miz. Ever. They claim Mark Henry is frustrated but I don't know, his eyes are like big black holes and he's just kind of walking around repeatedly moving his hair out of his face. Somebody musta split his wig. My God I love his theme song. This was definitely a good match. I don't care about the ECW Title or anybody involved, really, but it was still fun getting into the match and watching the time. You definitely need a lot of pinfalls in a match like this, but I'm willing to suspend disbelief so long as there aren't any car crashes involved. Certainly a good concept, now let's find out if seeing it three times in one night is enough to burn someone out!
Wrestlemania 25 video package. Hardys give eachother props and Matt says it'd be awesome if Jeff wins the WWE title tonight. Jeff then remembers where he's at and rushes off to his dressing room to get ready, trying to remember if he's booked to win and hoping to God that cup he pissed in earlier today was just some random dude's. Maaaaan.
Homotextual cellphone shit. "Should Vickie have let Big Show be in the Scramble?" Why the fuck? No, he lost the Scramble qualifying battle royal to The Brian Kendrick like two weeks ago. Why would that mean he deserves to be in the match? They're not even trying to steal your money creatively anymore. You might as well text your pin number to them along with your poll vote that nobody will read because they already got the graphic made with some fake percentage anyway, you shithead.
BROOKLYN BROOKLYN! CROOKLYN CROOKLYN! Hey hey hey, it's rhyme tyme! The story for this match is of course that Cryme Tyme is black, so they steal, and this time they happened to steal the gold of two spoiled rich white kids, so expect them to get beaten down by very official-looking Security and receive jail tyme without a fair trial in the upcoming weeks.
Cryme Tyme vs World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase, Jr., World Tag Team Championship Match
JTG and Cody Rhodes start off. If I was either JTG or Shad, I wouldn't want anything to do with Cody Rhodes. Who knows what creative ways his dad showed him to win a Bullrope match. JTG scares Cody into the corner with his blackness and the referee intervenes because being black is cause for affirmative action in the WWE. JTG hits both members of Priceless with his best dropkick in the business (I'm calling it) when Ted illegally enters and Shad is in to send them both out of the ring before hurling JTG at them. Back in, Dibiase gets the tag after Cody takes control but Shad gets tagged in as well and controls Ted before he slips away to tag in Cody. I just realized their names are Ted and Cody. Who's Priceless going to add to their group next, a Ronnie? Gunther? Shad whips Cody and JTG does his springboard spot since Shad tagged him in sometime earlier, apparently. Priceless is in full heel mode here. A cheap shot gives way to JTG chasing Cody around the ring and running right into a clothesline. Quick tags and quicker offense by Priceless until JTG looks ready to make the hot tag but Cody knocks Shad off the ropes. WHY YOU GOTSTA SKUFF HIS SHOES THOUGH! JTG eventually manages to escape after Cody misses a Moonsault and Big Shad gets tagged in. He's a (government subsidized) house of fire! Clotheslines abound until Cody slips in with a DDT that gets two. Shad tags JTG back in with Cody on his shoulders but Ted is in illegally to pull Cody off. JTG tries for a rollup on Cody but falls and rolls Cody over onto J TG and the ref counts Cody's pinfall.
Winner and STILL World Tag Team Champions : Priceless
Afterwards Priceless reclaim their titles and, despite their newfound knowledge of Cryme Tyme's natural inhibitions, flaunt their gold. Cryme Tyme attacks but suddenly this big Samoan motherfucker comes out of nowhere and knocks the shit out of Cryme Tyme. He has an afro, so I thought it was Primo Colon at first. Hey, when did Raw get all the darkies? It used to just be Shelton Benjamin for the longest time.
HBK-Y2J feud review. Michaels has a legit triceps injury tonight but they're going ahead with the match anyway. His arm is taped up like hell, and we get a nice long video package explaining why. I see how they're going to get away with five matches tonight now. Before this unsanctioned match, we are informed of what an unsanctioned match actually is. Apparently it means Jericho and Michaels can't hold eachother (OR THE COMPANY) responsible for any injuries they incur. Brutal.
Chris Jericho vs Shawn Michaels, Unsanctioned Match
Jericho, ignorant of the Fan Laws, is out first in wrestling gear. Michaels, the more experienced and 'net savvy veteran, is out next in jeans, cowboy boots, and a blue tank top. Damn straight. Now he's all set to kick this dude's ass or punch his wife, all without a wardrobe change. He charges the ring and just tackles Jericho, laying in with punches and kicking the shit out of him around the ring. He takes off his boot and nails Jericho in the head with it three times, sending him out of the ring. That bi g boot was so fucking literal I can't stand it. HBK follows Y2J out and they tumble over the barricade and back and brawl around ringside. Jericho soon takes control with a drop onto the barricade and a DDT onto the floor, or maybe onto a chair, I don't know I shifted my weight and my skittles went falling everywhere. Jericho sets up some tables from under the ring and looks to put Michaels through one with a powerbomb but instead hits an Alley Oop onto the ring apron and rolls Michaels back into the ring. Thank you Create-A-Moveset for the name of that move. Back inside Jericho bops Michaels in the gut and back with a chair. I suppose bop isn't a good word to use to mean hit with a steel chair. Let's instead say thwack. It's an acronym or some stupid English class word. He thwacks Michaels in the back with a steel chair, which Michaels sells as if the chair has an electric current running through it. Jericho sets up the chair in the corner and attacks Michaels in the opposite corner with the classic Diva cho king leg stretch. He is enjoying those new tights way too much. Irish whip attempt is reversed by HBK who sends Jericho shoulder-first back into the Diva Leg corner ringpost. Y2J escapes to the relative safety of the apron. Directly above a set up table. He almost manages to suplex Michaels from the ring through the table in an awesome hesitation vertical suplex spot but HBK escapes and they both fall back into the ring.
Flying forearm and kip up followed by Michaels furiously strangling Jericho. Hilarious. He then continues this trend of UNSANCTIONED hatred by climbing the turnbuckle and delivering a textbook elbow drop. He signals for the superkick but stops halfway and just stands there staring at Jericho, who falls to his knees. More staring precede Michaels grabbing Jericho by the head and punching his face in. Awesome. CRIPPLER CROSSFACE~! I'm not comfortable with that move being used in an "unsanctioned fight" also f eaturing strangling. Jericho narrowly escapes the move, and maybe with his life, by sending Michaels headfirst into the chair in the corner and clawing at his face. The debut of the Lion Claw? No? Oh. He then tries for some prancing around and boxing that sends Michaels reeling but he gets from his knees to his feet and stands, hulking up style, and no-sells his trademark overselling Irish whip into the corner with the chair in it. HBK then runs wild on Jericho with his, what, fourteen inch pythons? He look s for a piledriver but that is quickly reversed into the Walls until Michaels reaches the ropes. Jericho just straight ignores the ref because he is short and balding and keeps the Walls locked in until Michaels somehow manages to grab a fire extinguisher from under the ring and spray with it to escape. That was probably the gayest thing I'll ever admit to seeing that didn't involve balls touching. Fucking Jericho up with a fire extinguisher shot to the head that knocks him out of the ring picks things back up.
Michaels follows Jericho out and they slowly fight-walk up the ramp. It's not Buried Alive bad, but it's still pretty ridiculous. Michaels eventually hits a suplex at the top of the ramp but Lance Cade is out in a suit to get pummeled down by HBK, but the distraction is enough for Jericho to get the advantage. Cade hits a very nice clothesline that turns Michaels inside out followed shortly by the old running-boot-to-the-head-against-the-ringpost-from-the-outside-while-Michaels-is-laying-in-the-ring-spot. E xcept instead of his head, it was his crippled ass arm. Jericho and Cade continue to completely dominate as Jericho struts around like a tall fat kid. Cade locks HBK's arm in a folding chair as Jericho goes up top but Michaels kicks Cade away and into the ropes, shaking and crotching Jericho. He gets up and superkicks Cade and clocks Jericho on the top with the chair, sending him falling through the table on the outside. He then lays into Jericho with single-handed chairshots before clearing the announce ta ble and laying Cade's prone body across it. He goes in the ring but spots that Jericho is still alive, so he goes back and puts Jericho on top of Cade before re-entering the ring and coming off the top turnbuckle with an elbow drop that put all three through the table. "HE JUST DROVE A STAKE THROUGH JERICHO'S HEART~!" Cole's commentary is absolutely shit during this match, I might add. King tries an "OH MY GOD!" and it fails equally as much as anything Michael Cole has ever tried or done. HBK drags Jericho' s LIFELESS CARCASS to the ring and whips him with his leather belt, once catching him in his eye. AN EYE FOR AN EYE. Cole : "Shawn Michaels is a religious man but tonight...he may be possessed by the Devil." He then puts Jericho in the Crossface again while punching him bloody with the belt. Now I like making jokes about murderers, don't get me wrong, but I can't help but feel like the use of that Crossface here is seriously fucked up. The referee ends the match here, because apparently they can do that in an unsanctioned match.
Winner : Shawn Michaels.
Shawn Michaels is declared the winner as Jericho lies flat out unconscious. Michaels hammers into Jericho's face some more but the ref pulls him off. This gets him promptly superkicked as we get a closeup on Michaels' comically crying "insane" face. This is just like a Chris Benoit reenactment, I'm telling you. Other referees swarm in and put up a human shield around their fallen bretheren. Michaels falls to his knees and begins to weep. Cole questions whether God will ever forgive Shawn Michaels. That's ki nd of a fucked up thing to say. We get a plethora of replays as Shawn walks dejectedly up the ramp. King claims Shawn is possessed tonight, but he doesn't know by who. Jesus Christ, King. No really, it's Jesus. That was a long fucking match. And a very good one.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR RANDY ORTON FOR NO REASON! He's in the back with Priceless and that fat assed Samoan with an afro. They introduce him as, I think they said Manu. Damnit, I had my heart set on Gunther. He's the son of Wild Samoan Afa. Could it be, Second Gen Stable finally? They ask Randy if he's impressed yet after seeing their win. Orton says their fathers must be proud of them winning by pure luck. He then delves into a lecture about going out and celebrating instead of rewatching their match and seeing why they won, but the short answer is no, he's not impressed. Good Orton promo.
Time for another Scramble match. Jeff Hardy is out first and I remember how much his new music sucks compared to his old one, even if they did use that one for like car commercials and stuff because it's in the public domain. WWE, deftly aware that the majority of their fanbase's IQs don't crack 50, go over the rules for the Scramble yet again. Benjamin out next and he says winning the WWE Championship is his DESTINY in a pretaped interview. Quoth the Goldfinch, Nevermore.
WWE Championship Scramble Match - Jeff Hardy vs Shelton Benjamin vs MVP vs The Brian Kendrick vs Triple H
They go back and forth, but since it's just to fill up time and the match is going to get busy as fuck later, I'm not going to recap exactly what they do. At all. Observation time! Hardy's burned up dog was a golden retriever, wasn't it? Shelton Benjamin may be at an advantage here if Hardy's gambling with his third strike tonight and stuff kinda seems distorted to him. If he moves his blond head around quick enough he might get a teary-eyed hug instead of a Twist of Fate. If Shelton dyeing his hair blond m akes him the gold standard, does Hardy's purple hair make him the mauve standard? I don't even know what that means. Man, Shelton is black. And that's it I guess. I suck at observations. They're actually putting on a very good match here. Or maybe I'm just saying that to avoid more observations. You'll never know. Fuck you. THREE! TWO! ONE! It's THE Brain Kendrick, my personal favorite wrestler, when averaging gimmick and talent, of current mainstream wrestling today, meaning just TNA and WWE. But yea h, he's the greatest as of like two days ago when I sat down and watched everything he's done for the past month and a half on youtube. Really, look into this guy, you may not even regret watching Smackdown for him. Or maybe I just like Kendrick because I run like him. Benjamin looks for a german suplex off the apron as Hardy hangs onto the ropes but Kendrick knocks Shelty off and pins Hardy for two. Flying forearms and kicking abound but Kendrick misses a splash in the corner. Twist of Fate scores the thre e and Hardy is now the interrim WWE Champion. He kicks Kendrick out and Benji comes back in and they pick up with where they left off earlier. The Paydirt soon connects but Kendrick is back in to interrupt the pin. Shelton gets sent out by The Brian and he hits THE KENDRICK, the best move since sliced bread no. 2, to become the NEW TEMPORARY WWE Champion.
MVP comes out next and looks bad fucking ass. And not just because I'm afraid of like 90% of black people. He knocks the fuck out of everybody, sending dem ole white boys out of the ring. I don't know. P turns his attention to Shelton and goes for the Drive-By but Kendrick comes in to stop that shit with a Big Fucking Kick of his own. Hardy back in as well and he mule kicks Shelty and P, now laying in the same corner, and lands his bigass leaping corner kick. Kendrick sends Hardy back out but Shelton delivers a nice Samoan Drop. Kendrick back in control with a crossbody and kicks to everyone's head. He is the only one standing as JR proclaims him to be the shining star of this match so far. See, even JR likes him. You will too, if my incredibly bias, um, "reporting" has any say in it. Benjamin eventually puts The Brian down with a clothesline and looks for a powerbomb but The Kendrick reverses with the dick-to-mouth maneuver and goes to work on P in the corner. Suddenly, all the match participants are p ut on notice. IT'S TIME TO LOSE THE GAME! Triple H comes in and dominates the fuck out of everybody. He soon Pedigrees The Brian Kendrick for the win and becomes the NEW TEMPORARY Champ. He quickly gets dragged out and sent into the steps by Shelton Benjamin. Back in the ring Hardy reverses a boot from MVP into a Twist of Fate to become NEW, well you get it. Kendrick in with another Kendrick but it misses and Hardy lands his pancake Falcon Arrow sitout suplex. Thing. Swanton attempt gets blocked by Hunter w ho shoves him off. H re-Pedigrees and re-pins Kendrick to become Champion once again. JUST TO LET HIM KNOW. Hardy comes in with a Swanton on Kendrick while Triple H was leaving the ring and becomes the champion once again. Hardy and Hunter brawl and P comes in to battle Kendrick up top but Benjamin leapfrogs over MVP looking for a superplex on Kendrick on top but P grabs Shelton and delivers the powerbomb portion of the Tower of Doom spot. Hardy hits the Whisper in the Wind on MVP and lands the Swanton on Shelton Benjamin. FIFTEEN SECONDS LEFT! JEFF HARDY'S STILL CHAMPION! Triple H then walks in, Pedigrees MVP, and wins the match.
WINNER and STILL WWE CHAMPION : Triple H.
They claim Triple H is now a 13-Time World Champion. What the fuck. Triple H shakes Hardy's hand after the match before leaving with his belt and not looking even remotely winded. This whole match was one big blowjob for Triple H and it swallowed and smiled. Hardy sits in the corner staring at Triple H as he poses on the ramp. That was kind of fucked up. I mean I KNEW Triple H was going to win it, but did he really need to pin that many people that many times when he was only in the match for five fucking m inutes? Well, at least he got another title run out of it. Only four more till retirement, right?! Don't count on it. Triple H doesn't just beat people, you know, he absolutely buries them. I expect him to finally go out a three hundred and seventy-eight time world champ. Oh yeah, and nice how MVP didn't get to be champion once despite being pinned almost as many times as Kendrick did. Just kidding, nobody else even got close to being pinned FOUR FUCKING TIMES over the course of fifteen minutes. Oh well. Cu rt Hennig DVD time. You know, that doofy looking guy from WCW/NWO Revenge who you never played as despite having to unlock him? Not Meng, not Meng. Yeah. Him. You're welcome.
In the back now with Shawn Michaels whining about winning his match. This suddenly takes a turn for the interesting as Michaels starts smiling manically and says something has awoken inside him, something he can't control - and he doesn't want to. He continues smiling and tells Jericho the worst is yet to come. Well this should be awesome.
Punk getting interviewed when Randy Orton wanders by to PUNK him out some more. Hah! Pun(k) definitely intended. Oh, my. I slay me. Punk suddenly gets attacked by Priceless and the fat Samoan Wamu or whoever, I already forgot. Kofi Kingston shows up for no reason and gets his ass beat as well. Orton then says "That right there is impressive!" Jumping dudes when you outnumber them two to one is impressive? Oh. Guess that's where Priceless fucked up earlier in the night - they only had Cryme Tyme outnumbered by 150%. Oh, shit. Guess what it's time for.
Maryse w/o Personality vs WWE Diva's Champion Michelle McCool w/ Weird Cleavage, Filler Match
Diva time, nope! I think instead, I'll - Oh, hold on, let me just...
Winner and still Diva's Champion : Michelle McCool
Anyway, while this match is still going I'll instead share my favorite thing I've ever seen on the internet.
I like to wear a elaborate Jar Jar Binks costume and mask as part of my every day life. I went to the grocery store, and saw how depressed everyone was so I thought I would help. I started dancing in the aisles, and yelling at people, and running up to people and taking things out of their cart. It was great fun. Then when I went to check out, there was only one lane open and a long line. I screamed and screamed while in line and danced, bumping into other people. I opened a box of baking soda and threw it around. Finally I got to the checkout. I started making noises at the cashier, and I kept pressing buttons on the computer. Some people in line were groaning because the line was getting very long, but that gave me even more incentive to make them laugh. I climbed onto the table and started kicking peoples groceries on the floor and singing. The manager and one of his goons pulled me off and said I could never shop there again. Can I sue for harassement or possibly assault?
Mike Adamle comes out after the women are done being horrible and says CM Punk may not be able to compete. Adamle says if he can't compete, he'll have to find a suitable replacement. He assures us that Raw's Scramble will, however, take place tonight, champion or not. Intrigue!
Big Show is out now. He's put that weight right back on, hasn't he? I mean I know the only thing that was ever ripped about this guy was his stretch marks and cellulite scars, but damn. Show is out to beg for the position in the Raw Scramble. By insulting Raw General Manager Mike Adamle. He then whines about Vickie Guerrero. He tells us to Smackdown our vote for the new text question which I blatantly ignored earlier because it was done right after the Diva match and I wasn't done with my Jar Jar Binks thin g. He then asks that if there was a vote to put him in the Scramble, would we all vote for him? Like two people cheer and he starts to say thank you before his own music cuts him off. Damn Big Show is sad.
Vickie Guerrero comes out though and says he's causing a disruption and threatens to fine and suspend him. She calls him big and dumb when Undertaker's Druid music hits and the chanting monks come out carrying a casket. Big Show starts cracking up laughing. The lights go down and if that's supposed to set the mood to be solemn, Big Show sure isn't on the same page as Creative. His fat ass is dying laughing. Taker appears on the Tron and says that coffin will be her final resting place. He tells her she can either go voluntarily or make him come down here, grab her by the throat, asphyxiate her, and put her in until she awakens to the sulphuric stench from the flames of HELL! Big Show is still busting a gut or three but grabs Vickie as she tries to leave the ring. Taker's music then hits and he comes down to kill Vickie. To cheers. Big Show's still got her and still finds this whole grim situation hilarious. Taker gets in the ring to stare her down. He grabs her by the throat but Big Show punches him in the fa ce. He then dominates Taker all over the ring and around ringside before ramming Taker into the ringpost. Crowd is almost silent. "STUNNED." Show whips Taker into the barricade and flips the coffin. This is boring as fuck and moving way too slow. Back in the ring for HEADBUTTS! A right hand eventually puts Taker down. Vickie's ass is still in the motherfucking ring. Show holds Taker and says "slap him baby, slap him!" Oh, no. Seeing Vickie make out with a tall blond guy on a weekly basis was sickening enoug h. I know there wasn't a lot to write here, but man did it take a while. I was wondering how they were going to stretch this show out to remotely three hours. My guess was "excessive video packages." Somehow they've been kind enough to work those in, too, as we now get the exact same Wrestlemania 25 video package we saw earlier in the night, followed by a Raw recap.
In the back now William Regal is trying to finagle his way into the Scramble. Yeah right, Regal on Pay Per View? Hit the showers, man. DIN NRRR DIN RRRR WAAAAH! Whose music is that? Batista. It's Batista's. Scramble time. Recap of the rules. Again. Holy fuck. JBL is out next as Cole wonders whether it's more of an advantage to enter first or last in this match. I'd hate to see Cole at the DMV, he'd keep trading his number to every guy who comes in after him until closing.
World Heavyweight Championship Scramble Match - Batista vs JBL vs Rey Mysterio vs Kane vs QUESTION MARKS
If I wasn't going to cover Shelton-Hardy one on one, what makes you think JBL-Batista is something I want to analyze? Although I will mention Batista's Fucked Figure Four Leglock really is a sight to behold. Five minutes goes by, nothing worthy of note happens. Kane is out to new slow piano music. JBL is on the outside hurt so it's basically Batista-Kane. So it's basically Batista-JBL. Cole helpfully informs us that the current champion is still CM Punk. And here I thought him getting beat up backstag e cost him his title. Kane soon misses his flying clothesline but rolls through and manages to fail at a chokeslam as well. Twice. Third one connects on JBL who he pins to become the current World Heavyweight Champion. Rey Mysterio is out next and Kane starts laughing. Rey charges in and hilariously gets put right the fuck down with a punch to the face from Kane. Rey takes control with kicks and shit though and a sprinboard dropkick sends Kane out of the ring. DDT onto JBL. Does Rey Mysterio have a fucking mohawk or is that his mask? Christ I'm half paying attention at this point I hate this match so much. Gay spot sees Batista stand Mysterio on his shoulders and Mysterio leap off for a frogsplash pin. Does Batista want to win this or, what the fuck? They try it again and Rey rolls up Batista for two. Batista is OUTRAGED and starts a domestic spat but JBL interrupts and lands a Fallaway Slam on Rey. TEN SECONDS! Who will it be?! CHRIS JERICHO! He's out looking fucked the fucked up clutching his arm and with d ried blood on his nose. Thank God for this cheap ass intrigue factor, it just might save this horrible fucking match. Jericho timidly enters and gets speared the fuck down by Batista and rolls right the fuck back out. Terriffic. Powerslam on Kane and a spear on JBL all from Big Teest put him in control. Rey hits Kane with the 619 and Batista pins but Rey breaks it up. Three minutes left to make this interesting. Kane's still champ, so SOMETHING has to happen. 619 on JBL and Batista clobbers Rey off the apr on. Clothesline from Hell puts down Kane but another lazy spear takes JBL out. Chris Jericho is currently lying dead on the outside. 1:30. Kane lands a powerslam and connects off the top with a flying clothesline for two. Okay...one minute. Come on, Jericho! Batista spears Kane followed by a spinebuster for the pinfall. Making Batista the current world champ. PLEASE GOD SOMETHING HAPPEN. Rey comes leaping in on Batista but he slams his ass down. Suddenly Chris Jericho slides in and pins the prone Kane with five seconds left on the clock. Batista turns around just as the buzzer sounds. Oh, my God, yes.
WINNER AND NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION : CHRIS JERICHO~!!!11
OH MY FUCKING GOD YES. Chris Jericho is now the World Heavyweight Champion of Raw. Jericho limps around the ring with his title as Batista walks around on the outside with wide eyes and his hands on his head looking, well, retarded. Everyone else just leaves. What a wonderful ending to a horrible match and slackass show.
Overall I'd say this Pay Per View itself isn't worth watching, but every match is (minus the Diva one because, fuck). Every Scramble was good except the Raw Scramble, but the ending more than makes up for that. Or maybe I'm just biased as all hell. Although I would have liked to see more actual strategy used in the Scrambles other than "Make/block as many pins as possible." Why didn't a champion try running away, since there didn't appear to be a count out rule? Are there DQs? None of these questions and mo re were answered tonight. Despite spending about fifteen minutes total reviewing the rules for the Scramble. Also Jericho-HBK was great, and it can only lead to more incredibleness. I really can't wait for that. And tonight went a long way towards finally establishing a second generation superstar stable. If they just made this show maybe thirty minutes shorter, it would be so much easier to watch. Yeah I'd probably bitch that it was just over two hours, but really with all the video packages and Diva match and drawn out Big Show-Taker and, well, VIDEO PACKAGES, it was pretty much that length anyway. But the matches themselves were mostly very good. So, thumbs up. Okay. END SHOW.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).