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WWE
UNFORGIVEN
2005
(09/18/05)
by
Sean Carless

It's back! WWE's most unforgiving show of the year; and one that's apparently never read a fucking dictionary in its life because it's not even a real word: UNFORGIVEN! Featuring: A VICTORY for committed relationships! The end of racial intolerance as we know it! Divine intervention interceding to help a loyal disciple escape the clutches of a  glorified rest-hold! Senior citizens involved in Gang Bangs! And actual NUDITY on PPV! (Dear God, it's not what you think.) You know, fun for the whole family!
 
[Sean's note from 2006: Hey, wow, the following actually contains a lot of actual blow by blow recapping! That's usually how you know I actually enjoyed a show. Otherwise, you'd just get "random pointless meandering joke" then "so and so got the win with the [whatever]."  So, you're in for a treat! And if you hate recapping, you're in for one tedious evening. Ah, I kid. There's still an influx of tasteless humor, nonsensical observations and even the HYPOTHETICAL MURDER TRIAL of Matt Hardy(!) to look forward to. What more could you want? So brace yourselves! Or don't! Onto the Retro-recap!]
 
One of the days, this pay-per-view will find in its heart to let bygones be bygones! Yes, I'm talking about Unforgiven! WWE's most unapologetic pay-per-view! (it really is. I just spent 40 dollars on Summer Slam 3 fucking weeks ago, and already WWE is knocking at my door trying to pry more money out of my hands! SHYSTERS~!) Anyway, I of course am the good reverend Sean Carless, and I'll be your guide for this roller coaster ride of emotions or something!

 

Tonight's show comes to us from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. And right now as we speak, J.R. is probably praying to God that he finally makes it out of this godforsaken town for once without getting the shit kicked out of him or having his face rammed into someone's asshole. I wish him luck. And a face cloth.

 

Your hosts this evening are the aforementioned Jim Ross, along with Jerry Lawler & The Coach. And for our Spanish speaking friends who'll only be getting approximately 2 and a half hours of this broadcast,  we have Hugo & Carlos. Poor bastards. Sometimes I wonder if they've chosen to forsake buying any living room furniture for their homes altogether because it drums up too many fears of giant dudes plummeting towards them out of nowhere. Oh well.

 

Onto the show!

 

(C)Carlito w/ apples Vs. Ric Flair w/ a lot of broken cherries: Intercontinental Title match.

 

You know, it was only a matter of time before Flair gravitated toward Carlito. And no, I'm not talking about the IC title. You see, there’s been an urban legend for YEARS that Flair would only bed women who were blessed with, shall we say, a full mane of pubic hair… and not just a little; I'm talking about looking as if Meng fell asleep in their laps. So, you see, with Carlito's full thatch of curly hair adorning his head, FLAIR JUST COULD NOT RESIST. Now, we just need to find out if Carlito can somehow fend off Flair long enough before Naitch makes love to it. Woooooo!

 

Anyway, the last time Flair battled for the Intercontinental Title on PPV was in 2002 when he met Chris Jericho at….  wait for it……Unforgiven. That’s right. However, it was an entirely different time, you see; a time when guys like Undertaker and HHH got most of the title opportunities, while guys like RVD, Jericho and Christian were afterthoughts on the bookers minds. Oh wait.

 

Anyway, match starts off at a methodical pace, but Flair makes it fun. I could use the old Flair adage of carrying a broomstick here, but Carlito more physical resembles toilet brush, so I'm not sure if the analogy even works in this case.

 

Headlocks are the flavor of the day early on, as Flair frustrates Carlito before lighting his ass up with a series of big chops (not this. Tm. James Walker). Carlito however, eventually rallies, and clotheslines Flair over the top rope. Back inside, Flair goes on brief offense, but Carlito wears him down by working the arm. Flair then gets his 2nd wind (although at his age it could just be gas) and goes on the warpath, even going to the top rope…AND IT WORKS! Man. It only took Flair 30 years to figure out that blocking someone fish hooking your asshole and throwing you to your possible death might be a good idea! AWESOME.

 

Anyway, Flair gets a well deserved standing ovation from the crowd in a priceless moment. Unfortunately though, Flair almost immediately goes up again…and gets caught with a drop kick by Carlito on the way down. It’s at this point, if I was Carlito's manager, I'd advise him to go for his finisher. You know, the ummmmm… Wait. Just what the fuck is this guy’s finisher, anyway? (well besides the DREADED ROPE ASSISTED ROLL-UP). In any event, Carlito decides to grab his apple on the floor in hopes of spitting it in Ric’s face, but Flair catches him with a straight right, and Carlito begins choking, which allows Ric to scoop Carlito’s legs and apply the figure four (complete with insane pre-leglock tango) to get the submission and the Title! Wow. Punching dudes in the throat whilst they eat fruit? We've finally found a chink in the Vegan's armor if and when they *officially* declare war on us meat-eaters. Write that down.

 

After the match, Flair puts over the Intercontinental Title HUGE, saying that it’s as important as any of the World Title’s he’s won! It's at this point, I get the visual of Triple H watching on a monitor and saying "Holy shit. When did they bring the fucking Intercontinental Title back? Someone book a unification match, ASAP!"

 

Winner and NEW champion: Ric Flair. Now someone just needs to book that match with that broomstick. Just to see if it lives up to all the hype! Come on, Vince, make it happen!

 

-Flair continues to celebrate his big win, before going over to the guard rail to pull as many hotties out of the crowd as he can, to as he puts it, party ALL NIGHT LONG! (well, so long as they're a little lazy with the grooming ‘down there’).

 

/5

 

-Backstage, Tard Grisham, "hard hitting journalist", catches up with Carlito and asks him what it felt like to lose the Intercontinental title. Your WWE dollars at work ladies and gentlemen!

 

-Also backstage, Edge and Lita discuss when Matt was injured how she’d call him on her cell while she was really in bed with Edge. Classy. All of a sudden I’m thinking there's a pretty damn good chance Edge has a bunch of antiviral oils in addition to the ‘money in the bank’ in that briefcase. You know “just in case”.

 

Anyway, Edge promises to destroy Matt tonight so he and Lita can finally be "happy together". Man, if only it was that easy to get someone else’s girlfriend; I’d be locking myself in cages with dudes ALL THE TIME, then quickly getting the fuck out of there and claiming their women as my own. If only real life was like wrestling. If only.

 

Victoria & Torrie Wilson w/ small dog and Candace Vs. Trish Stratus & Ashley We’vedecidedtodropyourlastnamebecauseitain’tmarketable:

 

 

YAY! The ppv debut of Ashley who's now had her last name eradicated from WWE canon, just because. And speaking of her last name, Ashley apparently claims to be a 2nd generation wrestler. Her dad was a wrestler! Wrestling is in her blood!  She just has really bad circulation, that's all!

 

Hey, here's a question; why is it that Trish hated Christie Hemme for winning the Diva Search, but is apparently OK with Ashley? And better yet, why am I hoping for logic and commonsense in a fucking Divas match? Anyway THERE IS AN ACTUAL MATCH HERE, so I better talk about it.

 

Trish starts things off with Victoria, and hasn't lost a step since she went down injured. She also hasn't lost the belt despite the fact she hasn't defended it since fucking Wrestlemania. (the 30 day rule  200 day Title rule is indeed in effect!). Anyway, Trish eventually makes the hot tag (not this) to Skater chick Ashley, and she's like all OMG UR LIKE TEH SUXXORS!!!!11 and beats down both ladies (I3eats down?) and actually gets a near fall on Victoria, but the ring general that is Torrie Wilson anticipates this chicanery and breaks up the cover, before tossing her the floor where she bumps face first. Victoria then toys with Ashley, before making one mistake which allows Ashley to tag back in Trish, who goes to town, delivering a headscissors, and ducking a Torrie charge with the MATRIX move! Awesome. If only it was Trish waiting for me on the other side of the unplugging and not a bald-headed, wet Keanu Reeves, I just might take that red pill. ANYWAY. Trish ends up getting the pin on Victoria after hitting a chick-kick. Funny, whenever I use my chick kick I get arrested for spousal abuse. Maybe I'm doing it wrong?.....

 

Winners: Trish Stratus, Ashley, and my penis, which got quite the workout here. (Just kidding…or am I?).

 

/5

 

- In the back, we see Flair loading the women into his limo, but he pauses, then hilariously pops a few Viagra's before getting in the limo...you know, to guarantee that the chops aren’t the only things that are gonna be stiff this evening. Woooooooo!

 

-They air a funny commercial about RAW’s move to USA on October 3rd where it shows all the wrestlers living in a house together, and packing up their stuff. Also, apparently, from what I’ve heard, there’s going to be a large list of LEGENDS there to celebrate the homecoming. Legends that apparently include Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the Iron Sheik. And we all know what happened that last time these guys hung out together! Hell, throw RVD into that mix , and that locker room will be foggier than a fucking Turkish bath house by night’s end…

 

The Big Show w/ hair again Vs. Gene Snitsky w/ hopefully an appointment to the dermatologist's. (I haven’t been able to eat a Nestle Crunch since he debuted).

 

Normally, I’d suggest Gene put some Oxy on that back of his, but I’m afraid he’d completely disappear. Anyway, this match was REVENGE for Snitsky hitting Show with the ring bell. Normally, when someone tries to murder me with a blunt object, I’ll grab a knife or a ball bat, but I guess bear hugs work, too. Anyway, this match wasn’t nearly as bad as you’d think it would be, as both guys worked pretty hard. But that's all irrelevant if you go by the commentary, which basically consists of JR orgasming over how big Show is. "By Gawd, King, he can push a hardboiled egg through one of rings!" Which of course is the most important factor when one is looking to purchase jewelry. "Sure it's 13 karat, but could you push an EGG through it?" I so have to try this sometime.

 

Anyway, Snitsky works over Show’s arm in a bit of "psychology", to prevent Show from the using the  “arrrrggggggggghhhh choke slam”. However, Show battles back with a huge clothesline, then NIPS UP, and finishes Snitsky with a big chokeslam for the win.  After the match, the Space Shuttle Atlantis lands on Snitsky’s back, and a flag is planted.

 

Winner: One The Big Show. Glad to see he's growing his hair back. Guess the downtime for 'getting over' having one's "dignity raped" is about 9 months. Good for him for getting on with his life after such a traumatic event! Most rape victims take MUCH longer than that. (No word on whether his "rape" experience has indeed soured him on any and all men barbers altogether).

/5

 

- In the parking lot, we see the limo, and smoke is billowing out! I kept expecting the door to open and reveal that in mid-coital passion Ric Flair had spontaneously combusted, and in a pile of embers would just be his purple ring boots. That’s the way I’d want to go out.

 

Kerwin White Vs. Shelton Benjamin

 

What people fail to understand is that Kerwin White is actually a very clever study of a cross section of White America, that will in time reach the goal of once and for all healing the rift in race relations, and re-uniting us all as equal human beings, void of any and all racial intolerance.  Well, that, or it’s just funny to see a Mexican dressed up as white guy. Either/or.

 

Anyway, Jim Ross makes a point to tell us that Chavo has turned his back on his "heritage" and his "family" to become something he’s not. A Golf enthusiast?

 

However, as for turning my back on "family"; if one of my Uncles made his living dressed up as a giant fucking turkey and square danced with Gene Okerlund, I might also think about dropping my heritage too. Just saying. Anyway, the crowd isn’t into it early, but both men work hard enough to being them back. Anyway, Kerwin goes to work on Shelton’s knee early, but somehow, Shelton rallies after countering a monkey flip by landing on his feet…but this takes it’s toll on Shelton’s knee as well. Kerwin then counters a possible Shelton top rope assault by crotching him, then executes a big superplex, before going back to a half crab (I think I caught that off a bus station toilet seat once). Shelton however does not submit, and powers out, sending Kerwin into the corner. Kerwin then grabs his trusty nine iron out of the corner, takes a wild swing (GOLF OF MEXICO. TM. Justin Shapiro) but Shelton ducks,  then elevates him in the air, catching him with the T-Bone to pick up the win.

 

Winner: Shelton Benjamin. The Race wars are over! Whitey loses! The chicken’s comin’ home to roost y’all! Wait. I'm whitey, right? Oh no.

/5

 

-Backstage, Tard Grisham is standing by with Matt Hardy, who is still alive as of this pay-per-view, so his boasting still stands up. Matt continues to vent on Lita, making mention of his six-year relationship with her. Bah. You're probably better off, bro. If Lita's that sloppy in the ring, I can only IMAGINE how painful it must be to actually have sex with her. She tells you she's going to go down on you, when all of a sudden your eating her knees in the mouth and she just ends up falling off the bed altogether blowing out her leg and re-injuring her neck. Move on, man. It's just not worth it.

 

Or is it?

Tough call.

 

Matt Hardy Vs. Edge w/ Lita and MONEY IN THE BANK (well half of it anyway, thanks to the real-life "Mrs. Edge"): STEEL CAGE MATCH.

 

THIS WILL BE DANGEROUS! THERE’S NO ESCAPE FROM ITS UNRULY STRUCTURE! BLOOD WILL BE SHED! EATING AWAY AT YOUR SKIN! IT SHORTENS CAREERS! MEN ARE NEVER THE SAME! -The preceding describes the gonorrhea you’ll be getting from Lita.

 

Anyway, I can’t say enough good things about this match. To Hardy’s credit, from a psychology standpoint, the match worked as Matt only made one slight attempt to escape (due to him really just wanting to punish Edge) while Edge tried multiple times to get out, like a good, cowardly heel.

 

In any event, both men stiff each other early on, with Matt controlling most of the match early. Edge eventually comes back, and hits a brutal running powerbomb to Hardy into the cage! Followed up immediately with a powerbomb into the corner! Edge then sets Matt up on the top, and Matt tries to execute a top rope side-effect but Edge blocks, and ends up POWERBOMBING Matt off the top rope! Edge tries to cover, but Matt kicks out because HE WILL NOT DIE. It’s at this point I ask myself why one shitty top rope elbow by fucking Rob Conway cleanly finished Matt, but dropping him to his death (he will not die) doesn’t work here.

 

Anyway, after some stiff shots by Edge to the head (see Summer Slam) Hardy goes on offense, and Edge tries to escape through the door but Hardy pulls him back inside. However, Lita slipped Edge the MONEY IN THE BANK briefcase, which Edge tries to use, but Hardy ducks, and soon after busts Edge open by bulldogging Edge onto it.

 

He then follows that up by catapulting Edge into the cage. Lita then begins climbing the side of the cage but Hardy just swats her off. From there, Matt gives Edge the Summer Slam treatment, and kicks him in the head several times as the blood flows.  Matt then grabs the briefcase, and climbs to the top, in hopes of clobbering Edge with it, but Edge shoves the ref into the buckles which causes Hardy to crotch himself and fall between the ropes and the cage. Edge then puts mustard on that by spearing Matt while he was pinned between the two in a cool visual.

 

Edge, sensing victory, then begins climbing, but Matt stops him, and with both men on the top, Matt finally hits an incredible Side-effect to Edge from the top rope! This marks the 2nd side effect foe Edge this week! (the first was red irritation about the genitals.)

 

 Matt covers from there, but Lita (who sneaks into the cage) breaks up the cover. THAT JEZEBEL AND OTHER ARCHAIC BIBLICAL REFERENCES FOR WHORE! Matt then grabs Lita, but spots Edge making a run (actually it was crawl) for the door, and pulls him back in. Hardy turns around, and Lita takes a swing at him with the briefcase, but Matt blocks the attempt, and delivers a twist of Fate to his former squeeze. (I’m begging someone to add Arnold’s quote from Total Recall: “Consider this a Divorce” into the Home video version). Anyway, just when it seems like Matt has won one for morality, Edge hits a spear... but Matt still kicks out! (he will not die).  Edge then desperately tries to climb out of the cage, but Matt climbs up, and rams Edge several times into the cage, and Edge plummets to the canvas in a heap. Matt, standing on the top of the cage now, has a window to escape, but instead chooses to CRUSH Edge with a huge flying leg drop (from the top of the cage) and slumps over on Edge for the pin!

 

Winner: Matt Hardy; the man who’s moving up on the OJ Simpson “Gettin’ even for adultery” scale. However, in a world where Nordberg can kill two people, perhaps it’s not that farfetched to believe that Matt could follow OJ’s example on Edge & Lita. In fact, one can imagine the whole scenario unfolding in a very familiar fashion.

 

THE PEOPLE VS. MATT FREAKIN' HARDY

 

-We join the story in progress as Matt Hardy is pursued by authorities:

 

911 operator: "9-1-1. What are you reporting?"

 

Shannon Moore: "This is Shannon Moore. I have Matt Hardy in the car."

 

911 operator:Shannon who?”

 

Shannon Moore: “You know who I am, damn it!”

 

911 Operator: ….

 

Shannon Moore: “ Come on. You know, the Prince of Punk?”

 

911 Operator: “I’m drawing a blank here”

 

Shannon Moore: “Umm, well, how about 3 Count then?”

 

911 Operator: “No clue.”

 

Shannon Moore: ….

 

[Time elapses]

 

911 operator: "Okay, where are you?"

 

Shannon Moore: "Please, I'm coming up to [inaudible] Titan Towers”

 

911 Operator: “ Wait! Sugar Shane Helms!”

 

Shannon Moore: “Huh?”

 

911 Operator: “Sugar Shane from Three Count!”

 

Shannon Moore: “No, I was the other guy”

 

911 Operator: “Who, Evan Karagias?”

 

Shannon Moore: “D'oh!”

 

[time elapses]

 

911 Operator: “How Is Matt?”

 

Shannon Moore: "Right now we're okay, but you gotta tell the police to just back off. He's still alive, but he's got The V1 signal to his head."

 

Matt Hardy: “Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Oneeeeeeeahhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

 

Sound intriguing? Well the whole thing ultimately ends up in court, and the TRIAL OF THE CENTURY ensues. A slew of characters come out of the wood work soon after, including Jeff Hardy who lives as Matt's house guest. Jeff will testify that he heard two large thumps outside his wall, then will insist that it was followed up by a loud bellow of "two!" as what would appear to be Earl Hebner scurries off into the night. His whole testimony though is ultimately disregarded when he shows up to court in day-glo paint , climbs up on the stand, and crashes through the Judge's desk, before cutting a crazy jig and running from the court room never to be seen again.

 

From there, first Officer Official at the crime scene, Johnny Ace will be discredited in a huge turning point in V1's defense, ultimately admitting that he is indeed prejudiced against wrestlers who weigh under 250 pounds.

 

Anyway, the whole thing ends up being thrown out of court when Matt tries on a pair of purple Amoeba pants found at the crime scene, but can’t get the fly up. “If the pajamas don’t fit, you must acquit” is what they’ll be saying. Or something. I don’t know. But it'll be a scene, man. That's a given.

 

/5

 

-Backstage, Cena  is getting his ankle taped up. Bischoff walks in gloating, and tells him to save some tape, because he will need it after Kurt Angle gets through with him.  Cena then grabs the tape and puts it across Bischoff’s mouth. So many of my dates start out this same way. Things don't usually work out too well from there.

 

(C) Rosey & The Hurricane w/ green hair Vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch w/ red necks: World Tag Team Championship.

 

Rosey starts things out for the champs, and Murdoch stupidly tries to headbutt him. COME ON. Hasn’t he ever seen a Samoan match? There's just certain things that SHOULD NOT be attempted in this sport, and yet, people are always doing it anyway. Things like, but not limited to:

 

-Trying to catch the foot of Owen Hart, Shelton Benjamin or Rob Van Dam.

-Trying to powerbomb Billy Kidman.

-Trying to punch Hulk Hogan more than two times.

-Trying to charge at JBL when he's in the corner.

-Ramming a retard head first into the buckles.

-Trying to boot Kurt Angle in the stomach.

-Trying to back body drop Triple H.

-Trying to give Undertaker a tombstone.

-Turning your back, FOR ANY REASON to Ric Flair.

-Trying to give Big Show a chokeslam.

-Catching a chair RVD throws to you.

-Running towards Rey Mysterio when he's across the ring.

-Hitting Ultimate Warrior when he's on the ropes.

-Trying to run in Bret Hart's direction when he's on the apron in a tag match.

-Catching Trish's legs when she headstands in the corner.

- HEABUTTING A FUCKING SAMOAN. THE END.

 

Anyway, eventually, Murdoch takes it upon himself to hit on Lillian Garcia on the floor, asking her for a kiss. Hurricane takes offense to this and attacks Murdoch, and begins chasing him round the ring…but gets caught by Murdoch when he tries to slide through the ropes. Murdoch then destroys him with a DDT from the apron to the floor. Ouch.  This just leaves Rosey to battle both men alone, as Hurricane gets carried back, all woozy-like by the officials. But in true Super hero fashion, Hurricane can’t leave his big buddy hanging, so he runs back to the ring, makes a blind tag and goes to work!......for about five seconds until Murdoch and Cade finish him with a clothesline/legsweep combo (Total Sorta Elimination?).  Wow. That makes it official. The Hurricane is clearly the worst Super Hero ever. How is he ever going to stop COMPLETELY PLAUSIBLE scenarios like stopping a plot to detonate the fault lines in California so it falls into the ocean thus making the villain who bought up seemingly useless desert property suddenly rich; or say, disposing of NUCLEAR WEAPONS by discarding them into the deep reaches of space, when HE CANNOT EVEN SURVIVE JUST BEING AWKWARDLY TRIPPED BY TWO DUDES. Hand in your JL membership, man, and get your shit together!

 

Winners and NEW champions: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch! Now all I have to do is wait a few months until they drop the titles so I can say this:

 

What happens when Cade & Murdoch play a country song backwards? They get their house, wife, dog, and belts back. Sadly, I just couldn’t wait a few months, and blew my load on this admittedly terrible joke now. Oh well.

 

/5

 

-Backstage, Maria interviews Chris Masters and asks him why they call him “the Masturbate” to which Masters takes offense. I heard Canadian Bacon is thinking of suing Maria for blatant gimmick infringement. Chris Masters then threatens to break HBK tonight with the MASTERLOCK. Hey, remember when they tried to get Bob Holly over with the full nelson? And remember why it failed? Oh wait, IT WAS BECAUSE IT WAS BOB HOLLY. Never mind.

 

Chris Masters w/ MASTERLOCK! Vs. Shawn Michaels w/ JC

 

Ok… so they claim the Masterlock is unbreakable. If this is true, Physicists should catch wind of this… and start making space ships made ENTIRELY out of masterlocks!!! It’s genius if you ask me. [/got nothing]

 

Anyway, the big question going into this match here is, can HBK take a page from his personal inspiration Jesus’ book (umm, the Bible?), and pull out a miracle? (And not turning water into wine. Although, that would explain why Kliq running buddy Scott Hall keeps bringing him giant jugs of water). Anyway, the answer my friend is YES. And it is GOOD.

 

Masters blindsides HBK immediately before the bell, and applies the Masterlock. Then he just drops HBK. And the referee *officially* starts the match. Huh. I think it's safe to assume no one's keeping Masters' seat warm for him at the MENSA meetings.

 

Anyhoo, with the match officially underway, Masters tries to apply the hold again, but HBK slips out and kicks masters in the face. From there, J.R. ends up going on an angry tirade about young guys expecting to be handed the torch. “You gotta take it, by Gawd!” Umm, the sport is worked, bro. You lose because they say you lose. Anyway, Masters uses a flurry of power moves to control the tempo, including a press slam and powerbombing HBK into the corner. He even uses a TORTURE RACK from there, full-on channeling Lex Luger. And just to be safe, ladies, I'd turn down a late night drink with the guy for now, at least until he finds a new role model. Just in case...

 

Eventually, Masters applies the Masterlock AGAIN, after ducking some Chin Music, but HBK, unable to actually break the hold, smartly resorts to getting a rope break, forcing Masters to break it. HBK then uses his leverage (he’s on the apron) to slingshot Masters neck first into the ropes, and quickly goes up top for a cross body…but is caught my Masters in mid-flight, and spun into a Masterlock attempt, which HBK quickly rolls through before hitting a perfect superkick on Masters to get the win, and officially end the Masterpiece’s undefeated streak.

 

Winner: Shawn Michaels. Somewhere, Billy Jack Haynes is crying tears of sorrow into his bowler hat, wishing WWE had even gotten half way behind his full nelson like they have Chris Masters. Poor guy.

/5

 

-After a night of presumably taking Ric Flair’s “Figure Foreskin”, the ladies all file out of the limo, ruffled but satisfied. Flair then follows behind, and I mean that literally, as he backs out, BARE ASSED out of the limo, before trying to give post-coital woooooo! But instead he just flops on the concrete.  Hilarious. However, you have to love the WWE. All the hot women they have on the roster, many of which have had no problems getting their kit off in various skinemax movies where they pretend to screw dudes with socks over their cocks (that rhymed!), and the only actual nudity we get in this company is from two 60(ish) year old dudes (Vince & Flair).

 

Kurt Angle w/ Olympic Gold Vs. John Cena w/ funky beats: WWE Championship.

 

Hey, this is quite the jump for Kurt. Just a few weeks ago he was going at it with a retard, and now, not a month later, here he is hooking up with a white guy from the suburbs who thinks he's black. Although, one COULD argue that the two are really one in the same. But I'm not gonna say that because that might *offend* certain people. And I don't want none of a suburban teenager in clown pants who can 'battle rap'. None of that at all.

 

Truthfully, I don’t actually remember too much about this match, because I was rather inebriated at the time. What I do remember is eventually, as the beers kicked in, I began seeing two John Cenas... and neither of them could work! Ah, I kid, Cena. I actually like him, but just razz him because I know it irritates certain people. And it's only gonna get WORSE next year when his movie "The Marine" comes out, trust me. You know, the movie he filmed last Fall when he was out of action temporarily after being stabbed by Jesus? (The wrestler, not the risen Christ. Although, he had to be involved somewhat in the recuperation. Or how else do you explain why Cena was healed completely with no visible scars like three fucking weeks later!?). You just wait. But for now, enjoy this *potential* John Cena feature length film:

 

 

Anyway, from the onset Angle zeroes in on Cena’s bad wheel right away, and goes to work. However, Cena quickly explodes with that crazy hip toss he does to regain the momentum. Kurt takes a breather, but comes back in, but Cena takes control again getting two off a big side slam. Angle then rakes the eyes, and gets a precise German (not this). Cena tries to fight back again, out of a surfboard, but eats a Belly to Belly for his troubles, and Kurt then wears Cena down with a body scissors.  

 

Cena eventually powers out, and hits a big shoulder tackle, and goes for the quick FU but Angle slips out. Angle then scoops the leg going for the ankle lock, but Cena quickly kicks him off, and hits Angle with THE ALL IMPORTANT WWE MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER.  When that doesn’t finish, Cena tries another FU, but Angle floats over and hits an Angle Slam for two. Angle then immediately applies the ankle lock again, but Cena kicks off again.

 

Cena now on offense, hits the Protobomb, followed by the Five-knuckle shuffle. That only gets two and thank God. (I hate how terrible gimmick moves like this eventually go from kitschy to devastating).  From there, Angle charges Cena, but clotheslines the ref (In a WWE Main-Event you say?) taking him out, before walking into Cena’s FU. However, obviously, there’s no referee to make the count. Cena then goes to pick Angle up, but Kurt goes low. Angle then retrieves his Gold medals from the post, and wraps them on his fist, knocking Cena out. Uh oh, straps down from Angle, revealing the infamous potbelly of solid muscle which usually marks the beginning of the end…and ANKLE LOCK, but no referee. Eric Bischoff then runs in, and taunts Cena (who is still in the ankle lock) with his WWE Title, as Bischoff tells the timekeeper to get ready to ring the bell when Cena taps. Wait. Why can't Bischoff just call for the fucking bell now? Why all these bells and whistles? Bischoff is worse than a fucking Bond movie Villain. Tomorrow night on RAW: Angle vs. Cena: Shark-pit with friggin' laser-beams on their head match. "No, Mr. Cena, I expect you...to die".

 

Anyway, seeing how Bischoff's hate for Cena is superceded by his deep respect for the TIME HONORED TRADITION OF LEGITIMATE MATCH FINISHES, Cena in a last ditch effort actually manages to power out of the ankle lock and the momentum sends Angle into Bischoff, sending Easy E. over the ropes. Cena then grabs the belt off the canvas and clobbers Angle with it to draw the (I can’t believe I paid 35 dollars for a shitty) disqualification.

 

After the match, the referee who apparently has been eating retard sandwiches, raises Cena’s hand, obviously forgetting the finish was a DQ win for Angle. Bischoff then DEMANDS that the referee not present Cena with the belt, so Cena gives him an FU. Angle then attacks, dragging Cena to the floor, to attempt to complete the  WWE PPV hat trick (The Spanish announce table) but Cena counters that and ends up putting Angle through the table to close the show, as Hugo and Carlos likely yell out in Espanol : "FUCK! We were THIS Close to getting off Scot free! THIS CLOSE!).

 

Winner by disqualification: Kurt Angle. But the champ is still here! And if tonight proved anything, it's that rappers clearly need to follow John's example and incorporate catch-as-catch-can wrestling into their "street cred". In fact, just imagine how much more DANGEROUS that whole West coast, East coast rivalry would have been had their been bodyslams. Gang wars? Bah. Drive-by's? Give me a break. Give me a drop-toe hold ANY DAY. THAT SHIT'S THE REAL DEAL, YO.  In fact, I'm convinced that Tupac would still be alive today if only he had leaned how to fall. Clearly.

/5

 

End show.

 

Final Thoughts: Hey, what a breath of Fresh air this turned out be (not this). Not a bad match on the show, and even though I could do without yet another clichéd "disqualification" finish, I have to give this show a hearty thumbs up. Besides, where else but wrestling could you see adultery issues settled by the victim jumping 20 feet ass first onto the head of the dude who fucked his girlfriend? That's right.

 

I’m Sean.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).