Unforgiven. WWE’s most unforgiving PPV. So don't
even try to apologize. He's having nothing of it.
And with that said, I'll tell you whom I won’t be
forgiving anytime soon: My fucking cable
provider. That’s right. Someone at the cable company
must have been drinking a little moosehead on the
job, because what I saw tonight was hardly
the *magic* that was HHH winning his 9th
Championship, (Eight more 'til he’s the bestest in
the evar!!!!11) but more a series of glitches, and a
show that seemed to black out more than a chick on a
date with Mike Tyson.
drown my sorrows, I decided to have a few drinks.
And by a "few", I mean more than I, or anyone around
me care to remember. And you know, I will likely
come face to face with my own mortality tomorrow
morning; but hey, if Undertaker can keep coming back
from the dead, so can I. And as a precaution, I have
one of my fat friends carrying around an urn, just
in case the situation merits its use. Yup.
Onto the show~!
We are LIVE
from Portland Oregon! The actual hometown of one
Roddy Roddy Piper... and NOT Glasgow. Man, between
that, and the fact he doesn't, nor has ever had a
Scottish accent, I'm starting to seriously suspect
he's not really from Scotland. Man. Next thing you
know, you'll tell me Dudleyville isn't a real place,
and that guys like Ultimate Warrior, Missing Link
and like every masked wrestler ever don't all live
in the same town. I refuse to believe it.
Ric Flair &
Batista vs.Chris Benoit & William Regal w/ a woman's
Regal seriously needs to get some new gear. I
just don't know what the deal is with this Geriatric
bathing suit they have him wrestling in
lately. Every time I see Regal in those tights, I
picture my grandma doing the dog paddle in the pool,
desperately trying to not get her hair helmet wet.
But hey, I guess I should just be happy that Regal
is actually wrestling on PPV. Even if he
looks like he should be doing so in a skull cap and
actually gave this match a lot of time, and it was
very good. Although, at one point, I actually had
tears running down my face thinking of Benoit main
eventing not even 30 days ago, and now jerking the
curtain. Fortunately though, that just turned out to
be some beer gas. Lucky me. Anyway, Benoit and
Batista lock up, and it's the BATTLE OF THE
ANIMALS~! A Wolverine, and a well, whatever kind of
animal Batista is supposed to be. JR keeps calling
him a "horse" here so I guess that might be it.
Although, JR says it without almost a little too
much lust in his voice. Between this, and the
wonton violence he tolerates against mules,
I'm thinking that maybe keeping Ross as far away
from a farm as possible might be the best idea. Just
eventually tries a sharpshooter on Batista, but he
powers out. Flair & Regal then eventually get in
there and trade stiff shots and generally beat the
ever loving shit out of one another. Although, I'd
be lying if I said I wasn't somewhat taken aback by
the exchange, as between Regal's bathing suit, and
Flair's white hair, it appeared as if an elderly
couple on summer vacation was indeed coming to
Flair eventually gets Regal in the figure
four, but Benoit is there to break it up. Hot
tag from there to the Crippler, who then begins to
suplex everyone in sight. CHRIS BENOIT IS FOR REAL.
And not just a figment of your imagination. Glad I
could clear that up. Benoit then applies the
crossface to Flair, but Batista blindsides Chris and
lifts him from the mat and slams him down hard.
Brutal stuff. It's just then I get the picture of
Batista being taken to the vet's to be destroyed
because he's too vicious. I blame his owners. DAMN
YOU EVOLUTION FOR RUINING HIM~! Anyway, Batista
tumbles out with Regal to the floor soon after, and
Flair attempts a figure four, this time on Benoit,
the world's only toothless wolverine, who then
counters out into a crossface for the clean win!
Winners: Chris Benoit & William
Regal, who better skedaddle quick or he'll miss
that game of bridge with the girls!
-Backstage, we see Christian and Trish
Stratus arguing over who gets the services of Tyson
Tomko. Dear god, that's like being in a
competition where your prize is a paper bag full of
dog shit. Anyway, Trish ends up winning out, after
she not-so-subtly offers up herself as a reward.
Can't say I blame Tomko. Clearly, even though Tomko
looks like he’s spent 3 quarters of his life in
fucking prison, he obviously still has a love for
the ladies. Actual ones. WHAT HAPPENS IN PRISON,
STAYS IN PRISON.
from 2007: This was actually the end of the
Trish/Christian romance. No mention was ever made of
it again, as with all romances that run their course
in WWE. Oh well, what can you do? All I know
is, that was clearly the best dollar Christian ever
spent! Funny, any time I've equated a woman's value
to small currency, they've never wanted to ever have
anything to do with me again. Next time I'll try a
Toonie instead. (Seriously. We call our two dollar
Stratus w/ Tyson Tomko vs. Victoria; Women’s Title
Anyway, Trish is of
course accompanied by Tyson Tomko, who possesses a
kick SO LETHAL, that it could kill you instantly…if
it ever connected that is. Clearly, if Trish needed
some pointers on handling "the bitches", she needed
to hire Sean O'Haire as her "Problem Solver". He's a man who
gets things done. Clearly. Anyway, I'm also happy to
announce that DANCING VICTORIA no longer exists! She
didn't do her Epileptic Nitro Girl routine during
her entrance. Perhaps this brings her one step
closer to the unpredictable psychosis (I loved him
in WCW!) gimmick we all knew and loved. *Fingers
Anyway, Victoria takes it to Trish
throughout most of this match, unloading her
offense, including the wiggle-sault and her patented
side-walk slam to near falls, while looking on
with trepidation at Tyson Tomko. I imagine this is
the look on their faces Girl guides have in Jerry
Lawler's neighborhood. Anyway,Victoria eventually
makes the unfortunate mistake of diving over the
ropes onto Tomko, then slides back into the ring,
walking right into some Stratusfaction by Trish for
the win. I guess the prospect of "putting out" for
Tomko for his services was truly worth it after all.
And speaking of his services; why isn't Tomko
wearing pants? Since when does "guarding bodies"
merit you kicking your slacks across the room? I'd
be a little wary of a pantsless bodyguard, myself.
But on second thought, maybe it's not such a bad
idea. Imagine a completely pantsless secret service.
You'd be too busy trying to not throw up, and
looking away, that you'd not even notice the
President you were there to do in. It's genius.
Stratus. Who hung pretty well considering she's
still nursing a pretty bad wrist injury. An injury
ironically enough that I myself get after watching
many of her matches. Go figure.
match, Tomko chokes out Victoria until Heat’s
General Manager “Some Strange Woman” (Tm. Justin
Shapiro) makes the save. Tomko then gets on the
mic(?!) and calls out the “woman”, as he boasts that
he’ll finally “solve the mystery”. Ha. I think by
this point, even fucking Scooby Doo's mysteries are
a little harder to figure out then this. Stevie
Richards: "And I would have gotten away with it
too, if it wasn't for that meddling Problem Solver".
though, this leads to an actual MATCH:
Tyson Tomko vs. Steven Richards w/o
Victoria (where the fuck did she go? That's
gratitude for you.)
Ok, cool, an angry skin head doing battle
with a large man in drag? I think I may have seen
this episode of Oz, thank you. Anyway, these two
should seriously think about doing wrestling’s first
ever “Worst of 5 series", because this just may have
been the worst match I’ve ever seen in my fucking
life. And none of it was Stevie's fault, this I can
assure you. I guess the "problem" Tomko was trying
to "solve" was how to make the world forget about
Jackie Gayda's in-ring debut. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Now, I could recap it for you. Or,
I could come over and rip out all your eternal
organs, set them on fire, shit on them, and stuff
them back into your midsection. Then you'd have HALF
an idea of just how painful this was to sit through.
Anyway, the bottom line is, Tomko wins after a
spinning torture (being the key word here) rack
neckbreaker. The bulk of the contest just saw him
try to strip Stevie Richards naked. Seriously. I
guess my prison jokes earlier were a little more on
the money than I thought. Who knew. All I do know
is, watching a video of fucking Rosie O'Donnell
getting stripped searched would be more appealing
than what I just watched. Dear god.
Winner: NO ONE
ON EARTH, OR AT ANY POINT DURING ITS EXISTENCE. But
if you want to get technical: Tyson Tomko. The man
who possessed the fasted bra removal time I've ever
seen in my life. Like 0.5 seconds! And if you don’t
think I’ll try this same maneuver with my girlfriend
tonight, you’re sadly mistaken. I’ll let you know
how comfortable the couch was. And by "couch", I
mean "Prison"; where more Tomko's will likely be
waiting for me with open arms, and god knows what
vs. Christian; Ladder Match for vacant
This match has
come about because Edge had to forfeit his
Intercontinental Title, because he has a serious
groin injury. You know, I bet his real-life
brother-in-law Val Venis is glad he never
suffered this injury, because for him it could be
LETHAL! YOU SEE, HE HAS AN ENORMOUS PENIS. Sadly, I
thought this was the funniest joke ever when I was
drunk earlier tonight. Now? Not so sure. Anyway,
this brings us to this match between the top two
contenders. Originally, it was going to be a
straight up match with Edge and Y2J, but like I
said, he's injured. And pretty bent out of shape
about it. In fact, on RAW two weeks ago, Edge stated
that he’d much rather lose the title in the ring,
then have to forfeit it. And seconds after saying
that, HBK swooped in, put his arm around him, and
said "Kid, let me tell you a little something about
losing championships...". OK, that never happened.
But damn it, it should have.
Good match here, even though there wasn’t
much psychology. However, the high spots made it
work. But I have one question, is there some
mysterious invisible weight that bogs a wrestler's
ass down when they're climbing any ladder or a cage
in this fucking company? Jesus, any slower there,
and I'd start to suspect fucking John Woo was the
agent who put this thing together. Anyway, I'd recap
more of this (OK, I wouldn't and fuck you for
asking) but there was just so much to take in, and
my limited beer-logged psyche could barely handle my
primary bodily functions as it were; so I'll
instead just bottom line the main points. A few
unique spots here as the ladder comes into play
included a slingshot by Christian to Y2J, headfirst
as the ladder was propped in the corner. Jericho
also tries a lionsault on X-ian as he’s on the
ladder, but Christian rolls clear and Jericho lands
awkwardly. It's just then I wonder what circus has
lions capable of doing full somersaults, and whether
other animals there possess the same keen lucha
skills. This may have been the beer talking.
Eventually, Jericho attempts the walls of Jericho on
Christian while both are on the ladder, but both
tumble off and Jericho gores himself in the ass with
the ladder on the fall! Ouch. Normally, I'd make a
Bradshaw joke, but he doesn't work on this brand, so
I'll let it go. (but needless to say, I see more
ladder matches in his future! Wait. I said I'd let
it go. I forgot. Sorry.)
Anyway, the big
finish sees both men go up again, and Jericho this
time executes a flying face buster off the ladder,
before finally climbing up and retrieving the
Intercontinental Title for a record 7th time. But
then again, he held the previous record too, so I
guess it's not that big of a deal.
Winner & NEW
Intercontinental Champion: Y2J, despite being the
slowest ladder climber in recorded history. Good
thing these two dudes decided to not become firemen,
that's all I can say.
- No Mercy is
in a few weeks. Either JBL or Undertaker will be
stuffed into hearse and murdered!...and no one will
be arrested. Imagine that.
-Lita comes out and buries her
husband Kane on the mic. Weird. Normally, she's all
into dudes who spent most of their lives in masks.
Maybe Kane needs to learn how to hurricanrana. He'll
get some lovin' then. Anyway, this brings out Kane,
and Lita brags that because of her, the next match
will be NO DQ. Wait. No Dairy Queen? That's
right, no matter how hot these two get, they can’t
ice cream. Especially the peanut buster parfait!
Lita vs. Shawn Michaels: No DQ.
This will be the first
time we’ve seen Michaels in the ring since Kane
crushed his throat….which of course was SO
debilitating that HBK was seen at the Republican
convention as if nothing happened! And I for one am
so proud of Shawn. I mean, even an obliterated
trachea ISN’T ENOUGH to stop the boy-toy from
telling you, yes, YOU, that you need to get out
there and VOTE. That’s right, even a life
threatening injury, or let's face it, POTENTIAL
DEATH, is not enough to stop this courageous man
from singing the praises of our electoral process!
What a patriot!
Anyway, the two
men brawl, and eventually end up on the arena floor.
Kane clears off the Spanish table, (SURPRISE) and
slams HBK on it, but it doesn't break. Off camera,
Hugo and Carlos high five, as the extra restraints
in the table they installed held out. Kane then
suplexes HBK through it, and they hang their heads.
"¡Ay, ay, ay, no es bueno! ¡Ay, Dios no me ama!” ¡El
dios ama a Shawn Michaels! ;)
From there, Kane rams HBK into the steps
and busts him open. BLOOD IS FREE-FLOWING FROM HIS
HEART FOR THE LORD. Back in the ring, Kane works
over Shawn's neck with a vice, but eventually HBK
rallies, and counters a back suplex attempt into a
DDT, and hits the flying forearm, followed by
his flying elbow drop. Which is probably the same
moves I'd use on a dude who tried to
callously murder me; you know, instead of say a gun
or a knife. STAY STILL SO I MAY ELBOW DROP THEE,
EVIL DOER. From there, HBK tries some chin
music, but Kane counters with a boot of his
own. Kane tries to use a steel chair from there, but
the old ball and chain grabs it from him and
distracts Kane long enough for Michaels to attempt a
superkick. However, Kane catches the foot and spins
Michaels into a choke slam goozle, but Michaels
counters that, and hits the sweet chin music to get
the win. He thinks he's cute. He knows he's sexy.
Hey, why does a married fundamentalist Christian
have a theme-song that conveys fornication?
In normal relationships, the most you have to put up
with from your expecting wife is massaging her fat
feet or fetching a jar of pickles and ice cream in
the dead of the night. In WWE, your pregnant wife
tries to make sure you die, so she alone can
raise your demonic son, that based on his parentage
will possess both the abilities to get injured
constantly while simultaneously reanimating himself.
is returning to RAW! Wait, my 7th grade Science
-Backstage, Triple H gets is interviewed
by Tard Grisham. HHH tells Randy Orton that he
“brought him into this world”, and I was so waiting
for a Darth Vader moment. “Randy…I am your Father.
Now lay down for your father. You haven't paid your
dues." Ok, maybe not. HHH then finishes off the
interview by telling us that Evolution stuck with
him because “people gravitate towards greatness”,
but I think that's just his wife's gravitational
pull. I see how he'd make that mistake, though.
Résistance vs. Rhyno & Tajiri; World Tag team
start off by singing the Canadian national anthem,
which offends the crowd to ITS VERY CORE. "How dare
these guys be from a completely different culture!
Don't they know we saved their asses in WW2?; you
know, despite the fact they were in there from the
beginning and we were like the last country to join
the Alliance? DON'T THEY KNOW!?" Anyway, Rhyno and
Tajiri put an end to that, standing up for the
plight of America, as only a Japanese guy who
doesn't speak English (Engrish?) and a dude who
thinks he's an African animal can. That's right.
match was in the unfortunate position of following
the really hot Kane/HBK bout , and thus the crowd
was flatter than a Korean gymnast as a result.
But perhaps that's La Résistance's ploy? Create
matches so void of interest that it breaks our
resolve that much more, making us
completely vulnerable for...something? Wait,
just what is the point of La Résistance's gimmick
anyway? It's not like Quebec is really in the
position to invade anything. BEWARE, AMERICA! You
won't see all those mustaches and wheels of cheese
Tajiri plays your face in peril for much
of this one, as the Man-beast waits patiently on the
apron for the tag. La Rez take turns working Tajiri
over, and the crowd starts to chant "USA".
Seriously. Makese sense. I myself always
get fired up at the chant of "Bolivia!" whenever I'm
competing at anything, you know, despite the fact
I'm fucking not from there. Good thinking guys.
Anyway, Tajiri finally gets off a desperation head
scissors on Conway, and he makes the tag to Rhyno,
who enters a house of fire, and delivers a huge
spinebuster. La Rez regain the advantage soon after
with a double flapjack, but since they're French, I
guess it'd be crêpes? I don't know. Grenier then
tries to use the flag as a weapon as the referee is
distracted, but Tajiri dropkicks it low on him. But
fear not, I assure you this was not the first time
he had a pole shoved violently between his legs. How
else do you think he got a job here? Rhyno
then hits the stumbling Grenier with a gore, but
Conway puts Sylvain’s leg on the ropes breaking
count. Grenier then recovers, and hits Rhyno with
said flag pole as the referee is distracted with
Conway and Tajiri on the floor, and Grenier scores
the pin as a result. SACREBLEU!
Résistance. Poor Tajiri. He didn't even get a chance
to spew mist in Grenier's face. And here I had a
joke all lined up. What a shame. But hey, how 'bout
that tag team division, eh? Got to love WWE. The
only sport in the world where there's more champions
Orton package. Evolution has just passed Randy Orton
by! But hey, last time I checked, Evolution was
supposed to mean progress, right? As in moving
forward? If the real Evolution was like HHH's
version, we'd all still be monkeys, and he'd be
the only fucker allowed to discover fire and walk
upright. HE'S THE DIAMOND IN THIS BUSINESS. BOY AM I
HHH vs. (C) Randy Orton for the
World Heavyweight Championship;
are of course sure to put over the "fact" that Randy
Orton is the youngest World Champion in wrestling
history, which of course is not true. You know, just
like when they said he was the longest reigning
Intercontinental Champion of the last 7 years. I
love that Randy's career is being built entirely on
fake hyperbole. Let us imagine some more "facts"
about the Legend Killer:
-As a Marine,
Randy once single-handedly took out an entire army
armed only with CHINLOCKS, one dropkick and an RKO.
Which is like a Swiss Army knife in the Orton
delivered a standing dropkick so MAJESTIC and HIGH
that his head ever so briefly passed through the
Kingdom of Heaven!
-Randy Orton is
the tallest human being in recorded history, at
was the youngest baby ever born.
-Randy Orton graduated University with a
degree in Chinlockery. Four more Chinlocks, and
he'll get his doctorate.
-Randy Orton is
immortal and cannot die. Unless Pedigreed. That's
it. The only way.
Glad we cleared
Anyway, the two wrestle at a slower pace,
feeling each other out. Orton then teases the magic
loogie…and actually spits on HHH! However, the
loogie in question is quite substantially smaller
than the load he spewed a few weeks ago on the Game;
which was actually a relief, because for a second
there I feared Orton might have Lou Gherig’s
disease. Anyway, the bulk of the match was a lot of
mat work, and if you’re an old school fan, this’d do
it for you. However, considering the hatred between
the two, I figured we’d see much more of a brawl.
And besides, not trying to be a prick or anything,
but when you work a body part for over 10 minutes,
shouldn’t it actually have bearing on the finish?
Anyway, HHH works Orton’s legs and executes a figure
four, and holds the ropes for leverage. Orton tries
to reverse the position, but every time he tries to
flip over, The Game grabs the ropes to keep from
being turned. Finally, the referee spots HHH and
makes him break the hold. AND THIS IS WHERE THE
PSYCHOLOGY ENDS. Orton comes back with a DDT and a
dropkick. AND SUDDENLY THE LEG IS 100% HEALED. Man,
it's a shame this guy was discharged from the
military. You could shoot him in the face, and he'd
be back like nothing happened like 5 minutes later,
ready to tackle the enemy with a slew of LETHAL
chinlocks. You know, much like the way MacArthur,
Audie Murphy and Patton did. Yup.
Orton is now on full offense. Crossbody
for two. Neckbreaker/backbreaker combo for another
two. He then goes for the RKO, but HHH pushes him
off and the ref gets BUMPED. In a HHH match. I think
we all know what happens next. Evolution runs in,
and Orton starts fighting them off. He's laying the
smacketh down! Wait, that was the other
guy. He's stomping a mud ho...No. Wait. I'll
compromise: HE'S KICKING HIM INTO A DIRTY WATER
LOGGED PUDDLE, AND NOW HE'S MOVING HIS FEET
ABOUT UNTIL IT EVAPORATES! There, that's better.
Flair then eats an RKO, and Batista gets
posted. HHH regains the advantage by hitting a low
blow …and your new referee….Jonathan Coachman runs
in? Huh? OK, I get it, Coach still holds a
grudge for all those times Orton did….absolutely
nothing to him? Alrighty. Looks like Evolution
ain't the only "mystery no one sees". It looks like
the fucking booking is too. Coach then makes the
count but Orton is out at two; which is kind of good
since I didn’t know a guy could be knocked cold by a
punch to the BALLS.
At this point they’re
really going for more of the Stone Cold "persevere
against all odds" feel here. Orton punches Coach,
but walks into a Batista spinebuster, but still
Orton kicks out. HHH then tries for a pedigree, but
he gets back body dropped, and Coach eats an RKO
which for some reason doesn’t register a
disqualification. FULL OF MYSTERY NO ONE
SEES. However, in the confusion, HHH has a chair and
WHAM! Total hard-way shot to the head. It looked
pretty stiff. HHH then muscles Orton up and finishes
him with the PEDIGREE... onto the chair, which is
like being hit with a nuclear blast...then
being crushed with a falling asteroid the size of
Rhode Island. At least in HHH's world. And
ya, Triple H wins his 9th Heavyweight Championship
after Batista rolled Hebner back in the ring after
Baby Earl had quite the siesta on the floor. You
know, considering he was only BODY CHECKED. High
school must've been pretty rough for old Earl. Every
time someone bumped into him in the crowded hall at
school, he'd be out cold for the rest of the day.
Winner and NEW
World Heavyweight Champion: Triple H, who just ended
the amazing run of "the longest reigning World
Heavyweight Champion of the last 25 minutes".
That's right. JR Ain't the only guy who can spin
-HHH celebrates with
Evolution as your new World Champion. It's about
time this guy got his shot to be champion! He's been
on the sidelines far too long! I see nothing but
main events in this kid's future! Sky's the limit!
FINAL THOUGHTS: Hey, yesterday may have
*technically* been September 11th, but I guarantee
you this is a night Randy Orton will "never forget".
Where's the NYFD when you need them? Someone needs
to dig Orton out of his hole here. Ah, I kid. But
seriously, I don't see the point of jobbing Orton
out this soon. Hell, if you wanted the belt off him,
there's a number of ways to do it better than to
waste what is supposed to be your big WM 21 main
event at Unforgiven...where it all began again.
Still though, you can't penalize a show for one bad
booking decision. And this one was surprisingly
solid, bar Tomko and Richards, which was
so mind-bogglingly terrible, that the heavens
nearly opened up and swallowed the earth into the
dark void forever. But other than one potentially
apocalypse-inducing wrestling match, Good stuff. So,
it gets my patented thumb of full uppery.