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WWE
UNFORGIVEN
2004
(09/13/04)
By
Sean Carless

Welcome to Unforgiven. WWE’s most unforgiving PPV. So don't even try to apologize. He's having nothing of it.  And with that said, I'll tell you whom I won’t be forgiving anytime soon: My fucking cable provider. That’s right. Someone at the cable company must have been drinking a little moosehead on the job, because what I saw tonight was hardly the *magic* that was HHH winning his 9th Championship, (Eight more 'til he’s the bestest in the evar!!!!11) but more a series of glitches, and a show that seemed to black out more than a chick on a date with Mike Tyson.
 
Anyway, to drown my sorrows, I decided to have a few drinks. And by a "few", I mean more than I, or anyone around me care to remember. And you know, I will likely come face to face with my own mortality tomorrow morning; but hey, if Undertaker can keep coming back from the dead, so can I. And as a precaution, I have one of my fat friends carrying around an urn, just in case the situation merits its use. Yup.
 
Onto the show~!
 
We are LIVE from Portland Oregon! The actual hometown of one Roddy Roddy Piper... and NOT Glasgow. Man, between that, and the fact he doesn't, nor has ever had a Scottish accent, I'm starting to seriously suspect he's not really from Scotland. Man. Next thing you know, you'll tell me Dudleyville isn't a real place, and that guys like Ultimate Warrior, Missing Link and like every masked wrestler ever don't all live in the same town. I refuse to believe it.
 
Ric Flair & Batista vs.Chris Benoit & William Regal w/ a woman's bathing suit.
 
Holy shit, Regal seriously needs to get some new gear. I just don't know what the deal is with this Geriatric bathing suit they have him wrestling in lately. Every time I see Regal in those tights, I picture my grandma doing the dog paddle in the pool, desperately trying to not get her hair helmet wet. But hey, I guess I should just be happy that Regal is actually wrestling on PPV. Even if he looks like he should be doing so in a skull cap and nose plugs. 
 
They actually gave this match a lot of time, and it was very good. Although, at one point, I actually had tears running down my face thinking of Benoit main eventing not even 30 days ago, and now jerking the curtain. Fortunately though, that just turned out to be some beer gas. Lucky me. Anyway, Benoit and Batista lock up, and it's the BATTLE OF THE ANIMALS~! A Wolverine, and a well, whatever kind of animal Batista is supposed to be. JR keeps calling him a "horse" here so I guess that might be it. Although, JR says it without almost a little too much lust in his voice. Between this, and the wonton violence he tolerates against mules, I'm thinking that maybe keeping Ross as far away from a farm as possible might be the best idea. Just saying.
 
Anyway, Benoit eventually tries a sharpshooter on Batista, but he powers out. Flair & Regal then eventually get in there and trade stiff shots and generally beat the ever loving shit out of one another. Although, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't somewhat taken aback by the exchange, as between Regal's bathing suit, and Flair's white hair, it appeared as if an elderly couple on summer vacation was indeed coming to blows.
 
Flair eventually gets Regal in the figure four, but Benoit is there to break it up. Hot tag from there to the Crippler, who then begins to suplex everyone in sight. CHRIS BENOIT IS FOR REAL. And not just a figment of your imagination. Glad I could clear that up. Benoit then applies the crossface to Flair, but Batista blindsides Chris and lifts him from the mat and slams him down hard. Brutal stuff. It's just then I get the picture of Batista being taken to the vet's to be destroyed because he's too vicious. I blame his owners. DAMN YOU EVOLUTION FOR RUINING HIM~! Anyway, Batista tumbles out with Regal to the floor soon after, and Flair attempts a figure four, this time on Benoit, the world's only toothless wolverine, who then counters out into a crossface for the clean win! Good stuff.
 
Winners: Chris Benoit & William Regal, who better skedaddle quick or he'll miss that game of bridge with the girls!
/5
 
-Backstage, we see Christian and Trish Stratus arguing over who gets the services of Tyson Tomko.  Dear god, that's like being in a competition where your prize is a paper bag full of dog shit. Anyway, Trish ends up winning out, after she not-so-subtly offers up herself as a reward. Can't say I blame Tomko. Clearly, even though Tomko looks like he’s spent 3 quarters of his life in fucking prison, he obviously still has a love for the ladies. Actual ones. WHAT HAPPENS IN PRISON, STAYS IN PRISON.
 
[Sean's note from 2007: This was actually the end of the Trish/Christian romance. No mention was ever made of it again, as with all romances that run their course in WWE. Oh well, what can you do?  All I know is, that was clearly the best dollar Christian ever spent! Funny, any time I've equated a woman's value to small currency, they've never wanted to ever have anything to do with me again. Next time I'll try a Toonie instead. (Seriously. We call our two dollar coin that...).]
 
 
(C) Trish Stratus w/ Tyson Tomko vs. Victoria; Women’s Title
 
Anyway, Trish is of course accompanied by Tyson Tomko, who possesses a kick SO LETHAL, that it could kill you instantly…if it ever connected that is. Clearly, if Trish needed some pointers on handling "the bitches", she needed to hire Sean O'Haire as her "Problem Solver". He's a man who gets things done. Clearly. Anyway, I'm also happy to announce that DANCING VICTORIA no longer exists! She didn't do her Epileptic Nitro Girl routine during her entrance. Perhaps this brings her one step closer to the unpredictable psychosis (I loved him in WCW!) gimmick we all knew and loved. *Fingers crossed*.
 
Anyway, Victoria takes it to Trish throughout most of this match, unloading her offense, including the wiggle-sault and her patented side-walk slam to near falls, while looking on with trepidation at Tyson Tomko. I imagine this is the look on their faces Girl guides have in Jerry Lawler's neighborhood. Anyway,Victoria eventually makes the unfortunate mistake of diving over the ropes onto Tomko, then slides back into the ring, walking right into some Stratusfaction by Trish for the win. I guess the prospect of "putting out" for Tomko for his services was truly worth it after all. And speaking of his services; why isn't Tomko wearing pants? Since when does "guarding bodies" merit you kicking your slacks across the room? I'd be a little wary of a pantsless bodyguard, myself. But on second thought, maybe it's not such a bad idea. Imagine a completely pantsless secret service. You'd be too busy trying to not throw up, and looking away, that you'd not even notice the President you were there to do in. It's genius.
 
Winner: Trish Stratus. Who hung pretty well considering she's still nursing a pretty bad wrist injury. An injury ironically enough that I myself get after watching many of her matches. Go figure.
/5
 
-After the match, Tomko chokes out Victoria until Heat’s General Manager “Some Strange Woman” (Tm. Justin Shapiro) makes the save. Tomko then gets on the mic(?!) and calls out the “woman”, as he boasts that he’ll finally “solve the mystery”. Ha. I think by this point, even fucking Scooby Doo's mysteries are a little harder to figure out then this. Stevie Richards: "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for that meddling Problem Solver". 
 
Unfortunately, though, this leads to an actual MATCH:
 
Tyson Tomko vs. Steven Richards w/o Victoria (where the fuck did she go? That's gratitude for you.)
 
Ok, cool, an angry skin head doing battle with a large man in drag? I think I may have seen this episode of Oz, thank you. Anyway, these two should seriously think about doing wrestling’s first ever “Worst of 5 series", because this just may have been the worst match I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. And none of it was Stevie's fault, this I can assure you.  I guess the "problem" Tomko was trying to "solve" was how to make the world forget about Jackie Gayda's in-ring debut. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Now, I could recap it for you. Or, I could come over and rip out all your eternal organs, set them on fire, shit on them, and stuff them back into your midsection. Then you'd have HALF an idea of just how painful this was to sit through. Anyway, the bottom line is, Tomko wins after a spinning torture (being the key word here) rack neckbreaker. The bulk of the contest just saw him try to strip Stevie Richards naked. Seriously. I guess my prison jokes earlier were a little more on the money than I thought. Who knew. All I do know is, watching a video of fucking Rosie O'Donnell getting stripped searched would be more appealing than what I just watched.  Dear god.
 
Winner: NO ONE ON EARTH, OR AT ANY POINT DURING ITS EXISTENCE. But if you want to get technical: Tyson Tomko. The man who possessed the fasted bra removal time I've ever seen in my life. Like 0.5 seconds! And if you don’t think I’ll try this same maneuver with my girlfriend tonight, you’re sadly mistaken. I’ll let you know how comfortable the couch was. And by "couch", I mean "Prison"; where more Tomko's will likely be waiting for me with open arms, and god knows what else.
/5
 
Chris Jericho vs. Christian; Ladder Match for vacant Intercontinental Title;
 
This match has come about because Edge had to forfeit his Intercontinental Title, because he has a serious groin injury. You know, I bet his real-life brother-in-law Val Venis is glad he never suffered this injury, because for him it could be LETHAL! YOU SEE, HE HAS AN ENORMOUS PENIS. Sadly, I thought this was the funniest joke ever when I was drunk earlier tonight. Now? Not so sure. Anyway, this brings us to this match between the top two contenders. Originally, it was going to be a straight up match with Edge and Y2J, but like I said, he's injured. And pretty bent out of shape about it. In fact, on RAW two weeks ago, Edge stated that he’d much rather lose the title in the ring, then have to forfeit it. And seconds after saying that, HBK swooped in, put his arm around him, and said "Kid, let me tell you a little something about losing championships...". OK, that never happened. But damn it, it should have.
 
Good match here, even though there wasn’t much psychology. However, the high spots made it work. But I have one question, is there some mysterious invisible weight that bogs a wrestler's ass down when they're climbing any ladder or a cage in this fucking company? Jesus, any slower there, and I'd start to suspect fucking John Woo was the agent who put this thing together. Anyway, I'd recap more of this (OK, I wouldn't and fuck you for asking) but there was just so much to take in, and my limited beer-logged psyche could barely handle my primary bodily functions as it were; so I'll instead just bottom line the main points. A few unique spots here as the ladder comes into play included a slingshot by Christian to Y2J, headfirst as the ladder was propped in the corner. Jericho also tries a lionsault on X-ian as he’s on the ladder, but Christian rolls clear and Jericho lands awkwardly. It's just then I wonder what circus has lions capable of doing full somersaults, and whether other animals there possess the same keen lucha skills. This may have been the beer talking. Eventually, Jericho attempts the walls of Jericho on Christian while both are on the ladder, but both tumble off and Jericho gores himself in the ass with the ladder on the fall! Ouch. Normally, I'd make a Bradshaw joke, but he doesn't work on this brand, so I'll let it go. (but needless to say, I see more ladder matches in his future! Wait. I said I'd let it go. I forgot. Sorry.)
 
Anyway, the big finish sees both men go up again, and Jericho this time executes a flying face buster off the ladder, before finally climbing up and retrieving the Intercontinental Title for a record 7th time. But then again, he held the previous record too, so I guess it's not that big of a deal.
 
Winner & NEW Intercontinental Champion: Y2J, despite being the slowest ladder climber in recorded history. Good thing these two dudes decided to not become firemen, that's all I can say.
/5
 
- No Mercy is in a few weeks. Either JBL or Undertaker will be stuffed into hearse and murdered!...and no one will be arrested. Imagine that.
 
-Lita comes out and buries her husband Kane on the mic. Weird. Normally, she's all into dudes who spent most of their lives in masks. Maybe Kane needs to learn how to hurricanrana. He'll get some lovin' then. Anyway, this brings out Kane, and Lita brags that because of her, the next match will be NO DQ. Wait. No Dairy Queen? That's right, no matter how hot these two get, they can’t have any ice cream. Especially the peanut buster parfait!
 
Kane w/ Lita vs. Shawn Michaels: No DQ.
 
This will be the first time we’ve seen Michaels in the ring since Kane crushed his throat….which of course was SO debilitating that HBK was seen at the Republican convention as if nothing happened! And I for one am so proud of Shawn. I mean, even an obliterated trachea ISN’T ENOUGH to stop the boy-toy from telling you, yes, YOU, that you need to get out there and VOTE. That’s right, even a life threatening injury, or let's face it, POTENTIAL DEATH, is not enough to stop this courageous man from singing the praises of our electoral process! What a patriot!
 
Anyway, the two men brawl, and eventually end up on the arena floor. Kane clears off the Spanish table, (SURPRISE) and slams HBK on it, but it doesn't break. Off camera, Hugo and Carlos high five, as the extra restraints in the table they installed held out. Kane then suplexes HBK through it, and they hang their heads. "¡Ay, ay, ay, no es bueno! ¡Ay, Dios no me ama!” ¡El dios ama a Shawn Michaels! ;)
 
From there, Kane rams HBK into the steps and busts him open. BLOOD IS FREE-FLOWING FROM HIS HEART FOR THE LORD. Back in the ring, Kane works over Shawn's neck with a vice, but eventually HBK rallies, and counters a back suplex attempt into a DDT, and hits the flying forearm, followed by his flying elbow drop. Which is probably the same moves I'd use on a dude who tried to callously murder me; you know, instead of say a gun or a knife. STAY STILL SO I MAY ELBOW DROP THEE, EVIL DOER. From there,  HBK tries some chin music, but Kane counters with a boot of his own. Kane tries to use a steel chair from there, but the old ball and chain grabs it from him and distracts Kane long enough for Michaels to attempt a superkick. However, Kane catches the foot and spins Michaels into a choke slam goozle, but Michaels counters that, and hits the sweet chin music to get the win. He thinks he's cute. He knows he's sexy. Hey, why does a married fundamentalist Christian have a theme-song that conveys fornication?
 
Winner: HBK.  In normal relationships, the most you have to put up with from your expecting wife is massaging her fat feet or fetching a jar of pickles and ice cream in the dead of the night. In WWE, your pregnant wife tries to make sure you die, so she alone can raise your demonic son, that based on his parentage will possess both the abilities to get injured constantly while simultaneously reanimating himself. Go figure.
/5
 
-“Mr. Benjamin” is returning to RAW! Wait, my 7th grade Science teacher? Why?
 
-Backstage, Triple H gets is interviewed by Tard Grisham. HHH tells Randy Orton that he “brought him into this world”, and I was so waiting for a Darth Vader moment. “Randy…I am your Father. Now lay down for your father. You haven't paid your dues." Ok, maybe not. HHH then finishes off the interview by telling us that Evolution stuck with him because “people gravitate towards greatness”, but I think that's just his wife's gravitational pull. I see how he'd make that mistake, though.
 
(C) La Résistance vs. Rhyno & Tajiri; World Tag team Championship.
 
La Resistance start off by singing the Canadian national anthem, which offends the crowd to ITS VERY CORE. "How dare these guys be from a completely different culture! Don't they know we saved their asses in WW2?; you know, despite the fact they were in there from the beginning and we were like the last country to join the Alliance? DON'T THEY KNOW!?" Anyway, Rhyno and Tajiri put an end to that, standing up for the plight of America, as only a Japanese guy who doesn't speak English (Engrish?) and a dude who thinks he's an African animal can. That's right.
 
Anyway, this match was in the unfortunate position of following the really hot Kane/HBK bout , and thus the crowd was flatter than a Korean gymnast as a result.  But perhaps that's La Résistance's ploy? Create matches so void of interest that it breaks our resolve that much more, making us completely vulnerable for...something? Wait, just what is the point of La Résistance's gimmick anyway? It's not like Quebec is really in the position to invade anything. BEWARE, AMERICA! You won't see all those mustaches and wheels of cheese coming!
 
Tajiri plays your face in peril for much of this one, as the Man-beast waits patiently on the apron for the tag. La Rez take turns working Tajiri over, and the crowd starts to chant "USA". Seriously. Makese sense. I myself always get fired up at the chant of "Bolivia!" whenever I'm competing at anything, you know, despite the fact I'm fucking not from there. Good thinking guys. Anyway, Tajiri finally gets off a desperation head scissors on Conway, and he makes the tag to Rhyno, who enters a house of fire, and delivers a huge spinebuster. La Rez regain the advantage soon after with a double flapjack, but since they're French, I guess it'd be crêpes? I don't know. Grenier then tries to use the flag as a weapon as the referee is distracted, but Tajiri dropkicks it low on him. But fear not, I assure you this was not the first time he had a pole shoved violently between his legs. How else do you think he got a job here?  Rhyno then hits the stumbling Grenier with a gore, but Conway puts Sylvain’s leg on the ropes breaking count. Grenier then recovers, and hits Rhyno with said flag pole as the referee is distracted with Conway and Tajiri on the floor, and Grenier scores the pin as a result. SACREBLEU!
 
Winners: La Résistance. Poor Tajiri. He didn't even get a chance to spew mist in Grenier's face. And here I had a joke all lined up. What a shame. But hey, how 'bout that tag team division, eh? Got to love WWE. The only sport in the world where there's more champions then challengers.
/5
 
-HHH/Randy Orton package. Evolution has just passed Randy Orton by! But hey, last time I checked, Evolution was supposed to mean progress, right? As in moving forward? If the real Evolution was like HHH's version, we'd all still be monkeys, and he'd be the only fucker allowed to discover fire and walk upright. HE'S THE DIAMOND IN THIS BUSINESS. BOY AM I TALKING LOUD.
 
HHH vs. (C) Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship;
 
The announcers are of course sure to put over the "fact" that Randy Orton is the youngest World Champion in wrestling history, which of course is not true. You know, just like when they said he was the longest reigning Intercontinental Champion of the last 7 years. I love that Randy's career is being built entirely on fake hyperbole. Let us imagine some more "facts" about the Legend Killer:
 
-As a Marine, Randy once single-handedly took out an entire army armed only with CHINLOCKS, one dropkick and an RKO. Which is like a Swiss Army knife in the Orton household.
-Randy once delivered a standing dropkick so MAJESTIC and HIGH that his head ever so briefly passed through the Kingdom of Heaven!
-Randy Orton is the tallest human being in recorded history, at 6'4".
-Randy Orton was the youngest baby ever born.
-Randy Orton graduated University with a degree in Chinlockery. Four more Chinlocks, and he'll get his doctorate.  
-Randy Orton is immortal and cannot die. Unless Pedigreed. That's it. The only way.
 
Glad we cleared that up.
 
Anyway, the two wrestle at a slower pace, feeling each other out. Orton then teases the magic loogie…and actually spits on HHH! However, the loogie in question is quite substantially smaller than the load he spewed a few weeks ago on the Game; which was actually a relief, because for a second there I feared Orton might have Lou Gherig’s disease. Anyway, the bulk of the match was a lot of mat work, and if you’re an old school fan, this’d do it for you. However, considering the hatred between the two, I figured we’d see much more of a brawl. And besides, not trying to be a prick or anything, but when you work a body part for over 10 minutes, shouldn’t it actually have bearing on the finish? Anyway, HHH works Orton’s legs and executes a figure four, and holds the ropes for leverage. Orton tries to reverse the position, but every time he tries to flip over, The Game grabs the ropes to keep from being turned. Finally, the referee spots HHH and makes him break the hold. AND THIS IS WHERE THE PSYCHOLOGY ENDS. Orton comes back with a DDT and a dropkick. AND SUDDENLY THE LEG IS 100% HEALED. Man, it's a shame this guy was discharged from the military. You could shoot him in the face, and he'd be back like nothing happened like 5 minutes later, ready to tackle the enemy with a slew of LETHAL chinlocks. You know, much like the way MacArthur, Audie Murphy and Patton did. Yup.
 
Orton is now on full offense. Crossbody for two. Neckbreaker/backbreaker combo for another two. He then goes for the RKO, but HHH pushes him off and the ref gets BUMPED. In a HHH match. I think we all know what happens next. Evolution runs in, and Orton starts fighting them off. He's laying the smacketh down! Wait, that was the other guy. He's stomping a mud ho...No. Wait. I'll compromise: HE'S KICKING HIM INTO A DIRTY WATER LOGGED PUDDLE, AND NOW HE'S MOVING HIS FEET ABOUT UNTIL IT EVAPORATES! There, that's better. Flair then eats an RKO,  and Batista gets posted. HHH regains the advantage by hitting a low blow …and your new referee….Jonathan Coachman runs in? Huh? OK, I get it, Coach still holds a grudge for all those times Orton did….absolutely nothing to him? Alrighty. Looks like Evolution ain't the only "mystery no one sees". It looks like the fucking booking is too.  Coach then makes the count but Orton is out at two; which is kind of good since I didn’t know a guy could be knocked cold by a punch to the BALLS.
 
At this point they’re really going for more of the Stone Cold "persevere against all odds" feel here. Orton punches Coach, but walks into a Batista spinebuster, but still Orton kicks out. HHH then tries for a pedigree, but he gets back body dropped, and Coach eats an RKO which for some reason doesn’t register a disqualification. FULL OF MYSTERY NO ONE SEES. However, in the confusion, HHH has a chair and WHAM! Total hard-way shot to the head. It looked pretty stiff. HHH then muscles Orton up and finishes him with the PEDIGREE... onto the chair, which is like being hit with a nuclear blast...then being crushed with a falling asteroid the size of Rhode Island. At least in HHH's world. And ya, Triple H wins his 9th Heavyweight Championship after Batista rolled Hebner back in the ring after Baby Earl had quite the siesta on the floor. You know, considering he was only BODY CHECKED. High school must've been pretty rough for old Earl. Every time someone bumped into him in the crowded hall at school, he'd be out cold for the rest of the day.
 
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Triple H, who just ended the amazing run of  "the longest reigning World Heavyweight Champion of the last 25 minutes".  That's right. JR Ain't the only guy who can spin shit....
/5
 
-HHH celebrates with Evolution as your new World Champion. It's about time this guy got his shot to be champion! He's been on the sidelines far too long! I see nothing but main events in this kid's future! Sky's the limit!
 
End show.
 
FINAL THOUGHTS: Hey, yesterday may have *technically* been September 11th, but I guarantee you this is a night Randy Orton will "never forget". Where's the NYFD when you need them? Someone needs to dig Orton out of his hole here. Ah, I kid. But seriously, I don't see the point of jobbing Orton out this soon. Hell, if you wanted the belt off him, there's a number of ways to do it better than to waste what is supposed to be your big WM 21 main event at Unforgiven...where it all began again. Still though, you can't penalize a show for one bad booking decision. And this one was surprisingly solid, bar Tomko and Richards, which was so mind-bogglingly terrible, that the heavens nearly opened up and swallowed the earth into the dark void forever. But other than one potentially apocalypse-inducing wrestling match, Good stuff. So, it gets my patented thumb of full uppery.
 
I'm Sean

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).