WWE UNFORGIVEN 2003
Fuckies, and welcome to Unforgiven! The only
pay-per-view on the schedule that refuses to find
in its heart to forgive you. And why should it? Look
at yourself. You're a fucking mess.
We are LIVE
From Hershey, Pennsylvania! No truth to the rumors
that Pat Patterson insisted they book the show
here so he could indeed travel the famous 'Hershey
highway' he's heard so much about. No truth at all.
Your hosts here
are Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler, who'll
also be gracing us tonight by competing in that very
ring! And by "gracing" I really mean the complete
dictionary opposite of that. Dear Lord. Why not just
shoot me in the face? I think that'd be a lot less
painful. (And it'd also mean I'd apparently have a
better chance of scoring a commentator's gig on RAW.
A messed up face doesn't seem to hurt your chances!)
The Dudley Boyz w/o Spike w/o
2/3rds of the blood in his body vs. La Résistance &
Rob Conway; Handicap World Tag team Title Table
was supposed to be a 3 on 3 Tables match, but Spike
is still injured from his table mishap with La Rez a
few weeks ago. This is evident by the hard collar
he's wearing to hammer home the point that yes, he
is in fact injured. Clearly, this was necessary
after Linda was back and ready to go in three weeks
after "breaking her neck", and Kane "burned to
death" in a flaming dumpster about 2 weeks ago, and
now he's as good as new as well! Yup. But hey, I
wouldn't worry about something inconsequential like
potential spinal paralysis slowing Spike down. He
too will be as good as new very soon. Now, if
he clumsily tripped and tore a quad on the other
hand....well, that shit is LETHAL. No one ever really
got hurt from a spinal injury. Nobody important
Anyway, with La
Rez, and that 'Master of Disguise' Rob Conway
(tonight he'll be portraying a completely
uninteresting milquetoast midcarder! And he pulled
it off! AWESOME) now having an unfair advantage,
Stone Cold makes it for La Rez's Tag team Titles as
a consolation. However, it's still a handicap match.
Ah, yes, the "handicap" match. The last shred of a
world not consumed by political correctness. By this
time next year, they'll probably be known as
"physical disabled, but mentally capable" matches or
"Mentally challenged, yet able-bodied" matches. And
rightfully so. The mentally challenged deserve our
utmost respect and admiration. The fucking retards.
As for the match, it's under elimination
rules. D-Von, and his orange camouflage pants, which
will definitely come in handy the next time we're at
war with Mars, gets eliminated first after getting
whipped into a table set up in the corner by the
champs. However, he doesn't leave the ring, which
allows the duo to still continue double teaming.
Bubba soon-after puts Grenier through a table with a
suplex, eliminating him. Apparently, Grenier is
suffering a real-life injury and needs time off to
nurse his neck. Which is an ironic injury if you
think about it. (using your chin as a kickstand for
Patterson's balls does tend to cause strain.). From
there, Conway gets eliminated through a table on the
floor as he gets dumped to the outside ala Spike
Dudley. One more inch there, and he'd have to
go out and buy a Droz costume to add to his slew of
disguises. Poor bastard. This just leaves Dupree and
his perma-erection. Heh. Looks like the Dudleys
aren't the only ones bringing wood to this party.
Dupree shocks both Dudleys by clotheslining them
simultaneously, but ends up getting 3D'd through the
table to end the match! After the bell, he goes
backstage, where his perpetual hard-on is used as a
Diving board for those who want to cool off in a
pool after a grueling night of action.
Winners and NEW
(17-time) Tag Team Champions: The Dudley Boyz! Where
this leaves the rest of La Résistance now that
Grenier is injured, I have no idea. However, I just
hope for Conway's sake, Vince doesn't get around to
watching Forrest Gump any time soon. Since Conway
looks so much like Gary Sinise anyway, and he DID
debut as a military man, I suspect Vince would give
him a Lieutenant Dan gimmick. Hell, he might even
saw his legs off for extra effect! It's not like
they don't exploit amputees anyway in this company,
so why not? And the upside? Conway COULD NOT lose
the Royale Rumble no matter what. I'd really take it
into consideration! Your BOYHOOD DREAM can finally
come true, Rob! So long as that "boyhood dream"
doesn't involve "walking" or using your legs in any
shape, form or fashion!
hyping Steiner vs. Test (yes, seriously) set to
Cold's "Suffocate"...which ironically enough is what
I'll be doing to myself if this feud doesn't fucking
Test vs. Scott
Steiner: If Steiner wins he gets Stacy; If Test
wins..he gets Steiner? Dear Lord.
If you've ever
wondered what would happen if two black holes ever
came into contact with one another, I present this
match. Fortunately for us, the maximum suckage
created here didn't swallow up the entire galaxy,
killing every man, woman, child, animal, mineral and
vegetable in existence. But on the other hand, as a
result, it looks like I'll still be around long
enough to watch Vince wrestle Stephanie next month,
questioning why the Almighty couldn't have just
ended it all tonight when the cards were all in
place. ARE YOU NOT MERCIFUL.
story here is that Test is once again putting Stacy
on the line, but in return, The Big Bad Booty
Daddy's umm, "Booty" is the booty for Test to
acquire if indeed he is successful. Holy shit. What
kind of prize is that? That'd be like us competing,
and I put up my most valuable possession, and in
return you take a shit in a bag.... and I try my
hardest to WIN THE BAG. Dear Lord.
As for the
match, well, it's what you'd expect. In fact, if
Satan ever ran out of fire and sulfur to torment
those who were cursed to spend an eternity burning
in Hell, I'd suggest he'd instead play this match
looping over and over for all of time. Other than
that though, Test's heel mannerisms actually make
this match somewhat perversely entertaining. That,
and the fact, that Steiner wrestles like the fucking
Tinman... if he had spent about two decades at the
bottom of a lake. Stacy actually becomes involved in
the end, and accidentally hits Steiner with a chair,
allowing Test to follow up and hit the "ABOOT" and
collect the pin as he hilariously counted along to
Winner: Test, who is now celebrating his,
umm, "prize", telling Steiner that he's now his
"bitch". Ya! Wait. What? Dear God. Ya, I know when I
want to humiliate my arch-rival with whom I'm
embroiled in a vicious love triangle with, I really
secretly want to turn him into a sex slave...
instead of you know, getting rid of the fucker
forever. Irregardless though, I don't even
know if this union is even anatomically possible.
It's kind of hard to penetrate each other when you
both have steroid-induced baby genitals. Just
HBK vs. Randy Orton. Orton vows to destroy the
legacy of Shawn Michaels tonight. What, he's gonna
go back in time and force him to actually lose some
10 championships in the ring? Good luck, Randy.
Randy Orton representing
EVOLUTION vs. Shawn Michaels, representing CREATION
this very ring, Intelligent design EXPLODES!
Intelligent booking however no showed the whole
event. What can you do? Anyway, fellow Evolution
member, Ric Flair is in Orton's corner here and
makes his presence very known multiple times. And
hey, if anyone knows anything about Evolution, it'd
be Ric Flair. After all, he was just starting his
wrestling career when man first crawled out of the
Primordial ooze. He holds the keys to this whole
debate no doubt.
Anyway, the two feel each other out
early, and HBK taunts Randy, frustrating him. Ah, I
wouldn't get Randy too angry there, Shawn. You
remember what happened the last time you pissed off
a Marine, right? From there, we get a back and forth
match that had a lot of potential, but went a little
too long, in my ever so humble opinion.
Randy ends up hitting the RKO but
Michaels kicks out. THE POWER OF THE LORD COMPELS
HIM. HBK eventually makes a Lazarus (HIYO) comeback
after Orton missed a high cross body, and HBK
followed up by going upstairs and connecting on the
big elbow. HBK then kipped up, and started tuning up
the band, presumably to a nice Religious hymn, and
connects with the Sweet Chin music and gets the
three! However, Flair places Orton's foot on the
bottom rope, somehow goading the Referee into
thinking that it had been there all along, and thus
the match continued. Flair then throws Orton some
brass knux, and after a swing and a miss , he clocks
Michaels as HBK was attempting a back suplex and
falls on top for the pin. For those history buffs
out there, this is the same exact finish Randy
Savage used to win the Intercontinental Title back
in 1986 from Tito Santana. Hopefully, that's where
the similarities end though, as I hope Orton has a
little bit better luck with the ladies.
from 2007: Haha, better luck with the ladies? Dear
God. Do my awesome prognostication abilities truly
ever start, err, I mean, end? GENIUS. WIZARD. You
know the drill.]
Orton and the scientific community. The Earth is
millions of years old, and so is Ric Flair. Debate
- La Résistance
is backstage in the trainers room (who is morbidly
obese, something that always breaks me up
considering his profession) when Y2J comes in to
check on his fellow Canadians, err, I mean
PARISIAN FRENCH comrades. He bemoans the GM reign of
Stone Cold saying he's a failure. I'd stick up
for Steve here, but he
did book Jim Ross to WRESTLE here tonight, so
you're on your own there, Stone Cold. Jericho tells
them not to worry as he has a plan, and tells them
to stay exactly where they are. Toiling in the
lower midcard? Oh.
Gail Kim & (C)
Molly Holly vs. Lita & Trish Stratus;
If I was forced
to pick a winner here, I definitely think I'd go
with the fundamentally sound woman with a
rana-loving spot monkey as her partner. That's
Anyway, as is
brought up, this is Lita's first match back on
pay-per-view since being on the shelf. I then fade
off, thinking of her being on a literal shelf, as I
shop at a grocery store completely stocked with
Lita's. I then opt to test the produce like I am
wont do, only for the store manager to tell me not
to squeeze the Lita's, which upsets me greatly,
because her breasts are spectacular. I then, turn
her upside down to read her list of ingredients, and
stop when I read the label : MADE IN MEXICO....BUT
DESPERATELY TRYING TO FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE
EXPERIENCE. The whole thing then falls apart
completely from there. Oh, ya, chances are I may
have been a little wasted at the time when I jotted
this down, so please forgive me. And don't be scared
if you ever see my closet glowing like Poltergeist.
I promise you it's not haunted. That's just my
hydroponic lamp. Seriously.
WAIT A SECOND,
THERE IS A MATCH GOING ON HERE~!
Lita & Trish
work really well as a team, even taking a page out
of Matt & Jeff's book, with a poetry in
motion. The Hardly Boys then take to Molly & Gail,
including a huge powerbomb by Lita onto Gail, which
knocked her back into the Matrix and into Neo's
loving arms. I have no idea if she's supposed to
still have that gimmick, but fuck her (no, I mean,
really, I'd like to) I really wanted to use that
line. Trish then delivers a handstand-rana to Molly
out of the corner, and Lita hits the Lita-sault to
pick up the win.
Stratus & Lita, who it looks like will go onto to
challenge Molly perhaps at Survivor Series, in the
penultimate moral battle of our age between extreme
(2Xtreme?) promiscuity and pristine virginity. Will
the title and hymen of Molly Holly survive
the Survivor Series? BE THERE AND FIND OUT.
Kane vs. Shane
McMahon: LAST (VIEWER) STANDING MATCH
Hey, Kane has
lost the shirt part of his ensemble, and Good God,
there doesn't seem to be any burns there either! You
know, there's probably a few dudes out there in burn
units wondering just what Kane's secret is, and why
they look like a 7/11 hotdog right now, and
Kane has NO SCARS or injuries bar one fucking Sammy
Davis jr. eye ...you know, despite being
burned alive when he was a kid...then again a few
weeks ago when Shane threw him into a FLAMING
DUMPSTER! ....which I might add doesn't go over too
well. Dump-sites apparently frown on you disposing
of human waste in their dumpsters. Go figure. Oh,
well, I guess I'll have to stick to burying my
corpses in the woods in a series of trash bags.
Wait. Ignore this part.
Shane is out looking for BLOOD here, as anyone would
who had battery cables attached to their testicles
(or as it's being marketed on Shopzone "The RAW
Enjoyment Replicator") would. But good luck, there
Shane O' Mac. If he's just a little red and itchy
after falling into a FUCKING FLAMING DEATH TRAP, I
doubt you're gonna keep his big bald ass down for
ten seconds. But hey, I've been wrong before.
The crowd is
actually dead for this one until Shane breaks out
the "Shane Terminator" which finally popped them.
And you know, it is a real sweet looking
move until you really think about what's going
on here. "Excuse me, but would you mind
staying still and holding this huge metal object
over your face, while I leap across the ring and
kick it into your fucking head? THANKS A BUNCH."
I personally think if it was me, I'd just shoot him.
Once you electrify my balls, I'm clearly past the
whole point of trying to set you up for fucking high
Anyway, Kane ends up getting knocked down
with the boom mic, but gets up at 9. Shane then
wraps Kane up with a cable and awkwardly drags him
by the throat, down the aisle in what seemed like an
eternity. Man. Clearly Shane would be the WORST
fireman ever. And hey, clearly Kane would be the
BEST. If the guy can fall half naked into a DUMPSTER
OF FIRE and not be no worse for wear, I think he can
tackle a fucking building. Did I mention, HE FELL
INTO A DUMPSTER...AND IT WAS FILLED WITH FIRE? I
laying on the stage, Shane catches his breath, and
the crowd begins chanting "Go up", and when he
obliges, they cheer for him to "jump". Gee, remind
me to never try and commit suicide in Hershey. For
some reason I get the feeling I might not get the
best support here. Anyway, Shane O' does the old
Nestea plunge, but Kane moves and Shane explodes
through the stage. The Ref then counts ten.
Huh. Shane beat himself. What a surprise. These
McMahon's are not just the most sexually desirable
people in the world, they're also the By Gawd
Hey, we all knew how this one would end. I think
there was a better chance of Leonardo DiCaprio and
the Titanic making it to fucking shore then Shane
not plummeting to his death from a few stories. But
don't worry, folks! Before moving to Stamford, the
McMahon clan actually made their home on a planet
called "Krypton". I mean, how else could we explain
Linda recovering from a "broken neck", Steph from
"internal injuries" and Vince from, umm, "fucking
Sable" in just a few weeks? Exactly.
Shane O' Mac a big standing ovation. But don't fret,
the son of Jor-El, err, "Vince" will be back!
-While we're on
the topic of Superman, Chris Jericho, RVD &
Christian have been released from the Phantom zone
and that match is NEXT~!
Jericho enters Austin's dressing room and says he
has a plan to get back at Stone Cold. What, he's
gonna pay for Karate lessons for Debra? Haha. I kid,
RVD vs. Y2J vs. Christian; Triple threat for
Holy shit! An Intercontinental Title
match!...on Pay-per-view! Man, since they've brought
this belt back last spring, it's seemingly seen as
much action as Stephanie McMahon's Ab-cruncher.
Anyway, the story here is that earlier tonight on
HEAT, Y2J and Christian conspired to double-team RVD
and get rid of him before settling things one on
one. The irony of that is HEAT is just about the
last thing this match had. The crowd was
uncomfortably silent, seemingly exhausted from the
previous encounter, only coming alive for a Power
bomb spot that involved all three men, which
admittedly was pretty spectacular. It involved a
superplex spot, but then the third man, powerbombed
the superplexer, and superplexee, for one colossal
bump. Unfortunately though, the camera missed most
of it and even the post move cover (it was only a
two). From there, everything kind of fell
apart, as I got the visual of Triple H backstage
sticking three dolls with needles then laughing
maniacally. Anyway, finish comes when RVD eventually
knocks Jericho from the ring, and goes to Frog
splash Christian, but Christian uses his knees and
the IC belt itself to block the move. RVD lands
violently, and Christian quickly cradles Rob for the
pin to retain the title. After the match, RVD is
heard saying that this was the best six-way match
he's ever been involved in. Y2J then tells him there
were only three of them out there, as Rob said "no
wonder they all looked all alike" then finished
squeezing the remaining contents of a tube of cookie
dough directly into his mouth. SOME OF THIS MAY NOT
STILL Intercontinental Champion: Christian. Poor
Rob. This dude's been so buried lately, he might as
well set up his furniture in the Earth's core.
some clown named Mark Lloyd is standing by with
Triple H. Bah. Give me Terri any day of the week. I
like an announcer who's not afraid to have hard
nipples perpetually since 1996. In fact, if I ever
decide to undertake a career as a cat-burglar, I
want her by my side. We could use those nipples to
cut those perfectly symmetrical holes through glass
like you see in movies. It'll be awesome.
Anyway, Triple H talks about how doesn't believe in
fairytales. Personally, I thought he'd really be
able to relate to Shrek. Who knew. Anyway, he says
he doesn't believe in Goldberg's "hype", and
tonight, as per stipulation if Goldberg loses, his
"Storybook" career ends right here. Storybook? Ya, I
think I've read this story. "Once upon a time,
there was a large, scruffy Jewish man with only 3
Al Snow & Coach
vs. Jerry Lawler & Jim Ross; Winners to be RAW
Gee, you wonder
why WWE stock seems to plummeting faster than a fat
girl off a cliff lately. I can't imagine someone
ever convincing ANYONE on earth this was a good
idea. This reminds me of the dying days of WCW where
we'd have to watch a bunch of talentless
non-wrestlers lumber around the ring exposing the
business. And once Hogan and Nash were done, we'd
have to watch guys like Jay Leno try to wrestle.
Haha. I'm making my own fun out of this, By Gawd...
even if it kills me. (And it just might.).
is no commentary for this match, and in the ensuing
silence, if you listened close enough, you could
actually hear people getting up off the sofa, taking
a piss, fixing themselves a sandwich, and then
changing the channel. My TV is awesome like that.
With that said, obviously Al Snow and Jerry Lawler
do the bulk of the wrestling here. I then laugh to
myself at the irony of a man who is thought of as
such a good Father figure battling a guy who likes
teenage girls to call him Daddy, duking it out.
Eventually, Lawler, after playing man in peril,
makes the hot tag to JR. And by "hot" I mean the
complete opposite of that. In fact, I'm sure you
could go into the deepest reaches of space with a
thermometer, and still not register the exact lack
of temperature of this tag. JR goes at it with Coach
from there, as once again, I laugh at the irony of a
big redneck in a cowboy hat savagely attacking a
screaming black man, begging for mercy... and ROSS
IS THE GOOD GUY. After a few minutes, Chris Jericho
runs in, playing Dr. Kevorkian, and mercifully pulls
the plug on this rotting corpse by laying out JR,
allowing Coach to score the pin, and win the
Winners: NOT A
FUCKING SOUL. I think I'd rather get a Vasectomy
from Michael J. Fox these days then sit through this
match ever again. Which of course means we'll have
to probably watch some version of it again tomorrow
night on RAW.
from 2007: YUP.]
catches up with Jericho fleeing the scene, asking
the HARD-HITTING question: "Why'd you do it, Chris?"
Jericho then says it was to get to Stone Cold.
I think I hate this Mark Lloyd. I believe I
wish him dead.
from 2007: This was before I fully experienced the
phenomenon that is Todd Grisham. COME BACK, MARK!
I DIDN'T MEAN IT!]
-Goldberg/Triple H package. A BLOND GUY WITH AN IRON
CROSS ON HIS OUTFIT IS DESTROYING A JEW INSIDE A
CHAMBER. What could possibly be misconstrued as
offensive about this? [/my
Summer Slam Rant].
emotional, and says Jerry is like a (really, really
perverted) brother (whom he'd never, EVER allow
around his teenaged daughters) to him, and he's
going to make his "Last ever" call of the Main Event
tonight his best one ever. Jerry is then slowly
lowered into a carbonite chamber, as JR yells out "
I love you, by Gawd." as Jerry responds "I know."
HHH w/ clam-diggers cleverly hiding the injured
Steph hammer: World Heavyweight Title.
Both of these
guys are actually injured, so I'm not expecting too
much. Trips is still nursing his mysterious injured
groin that to me is not so mysterious. I mean, an
obese fiancée? Hello? Put two and two together
crowd isn't nearly as hot here as they were at
Summer Slam, but Triple H and his bandaged cock
whipping Goldberg's ass for the last 3 weeks
straight might play a small part in that. Fucking
Triple H. You could cut this guy's head off, and
he'd use that last bit of blood flowing to his limbs
to crawl over and pin you.
dominates early, but Triple H gets the momentum back
after he blocks a spear by just kneeing him in the
head. About time someone thought of that. Sure beats
the other 200 dudes (if you count fucking Jerry
Flynn about 45 times) strategy of countering it by
taking it full force and flying through the air.
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL HIM THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN.
Although, a big part of being an assassin is
actually shooting people. No one ever died from
BRAIN POWER. "I WILL YOU DEAD. FALL OVER! WHY AREN'T
YOU DYING?! I'M A CEREBRAL ASSASSIN!!!!" With that
said, Goldberg ends up getting busted open on the
floor, as I wait for Ross to somehow equate this to
an animal who tastes his own blood. Why is it in
wrestling, when you see your own blood you get
really angry and want to kill people? I remember
cutting my knee all the time when I was a kid, and
just whining a lot. I didn't start randomly
press-slamming the other children in the park
because the sight of it fueled a rage inside me.
Wait. What were talking about again? Oh ya, the
match. Goldberg gets the comeback soon after and
takes it to HHH, but Trips, slips out after
the ref gets bumped, and grabs sledgy hitting
Goldberg in the shoulder with it. Hey, why is it
that HHH always just uses the handle to brain people
with, and never the steel end? That'd be like having
a gun and just lightly bopping the guy on the head
with the handle. I take it back, you're no Cerebral
Assassin. Back in the ring, Trips charges for one
more handle shot of DEATH, but Goldberg gets the
spear. He then hits the jackhammer and gets the win.
The 9 month reign of terror is over. To a guy who
won't be here in six months. Yup.
Winner and NEW
World Heavyweight Champion: GOLDBERG, who celebrates
his big win, as Triple H goes backstage, trying to
figure out how he's going to hold up his pants on
his wedding day in 4 weeks without his huge ten
pound gold cummerbund.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Meh. This show honestly
did nothing for me. Discounting the fact I had to
sit through two of the worst matches I've ever seen,
the main event moment was nice, but probably came a
month too late. RAW brand pay-per-views are
clearly the mongoloid brother to the brainy
Smackdown brands. I tend to cut them a lot of slack
because sometimes they try hard, but at the end of
the day, they're still fucking retarded. So thumbs
down here. Or at least until they decide to never
book any combination of Steiner & Test or an
all-commentary team 50/50 straight match again. I'm
Send Feedback to Sean
Sean Carless is a man of many hats.
And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing
bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read
at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk
Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling.
He has also cured AIDS.