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The Wrestling Fan dot com, in conjunction with The Academy of Wrestling Arts & Sciences (whoever the fuck they are), ranks the Bottom 25 Superstars inside the wrestling world each week with the SOUR 25. The rankings are based on ridiculousness, stupidity, push (or lack thereof), as well as whether or not Canadian Bacon owns a piece of their merchandise. Be sure to keep checking back for the latest SOUR 25.  

Sean Carless' Note: Originally created by our friend TolerancE, the "prestigious" TWF Sour 25 has become a popular staple here at TWF for its absurdity, cruelty and out and out ridiculousness.  Sadly, though, it hasn't been updated as much as we'd like; BUT THAT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE, because I have taken it upon myself to resurrect the beast this week. So enough of the jibba jabba! Let's get right to it. It should be Sexy.


SOUR 25 LEGEND

          Rise In Rankings        Fall In Rankings          No Change

 

This Week   Movement   Superstar   Last Week
               
1.  

  VINCE MCMAHON:
 
It's the battle of the Billionaires! err, Billionaire, and umm, a multi-millionaire... unless Vince has a few secret bonds laying around the house he ain't claiming...
 
Anyway, only in wrestling would DONALD TRUMP be the GOOD GUY. This match is like booking fucking Hitler vs. Mussolini... and having Mussolini be the BABYFACE, just because he was responsible for a few less atrocities than his opponent.
 
But seriously, no offense to Vince or anything, but is there really anyone on Earth who cares about the prospect of him getting his head shaved? Therein lies the conundrum. All the mainstream publicity is focused on Donald Trump finally losing his omnipresent translucent bird's-nest, and when it DOESN'T happen, the media will likely scoff at any future WWE PR.  The bottom line is, no one will end up getting what they want, and WWE will be right back to square one.
 
Now...clearly, the BETTER scenario all around would see each Billionaire's respective talentless daughter's be suspended from a cable over a vat of toxic waste, and the loser would have to drop his offspring into the chemicals, thus obliterating them forever. Then we'd hope for a draw. And everyone would be happy! Or maybe just me. Oh well.
  6
2.

HULK HOGAN:

The irony of the Hulkster here, is that had he just been willing to take a smaller payday, it'd have been HIM representing The Donald at Wrestlemania. And what a shame. Who better to battle for the preservation of hair, than a man whose own head look's like it was leveled by a fucking A-bomb? The greatest part would be Hogan quickly scooping up the discarded hair and fashioning it into a mock toupee for himself, hoping no one noticed.

 
But seriously, Hogan is now apparently persona non-grata in WWE; all stemming from him revealing a potential list of Hall of Famers on a radio show... which was said to INFURIATE Vince. OH NO! NOW WWE IS GOING TO BE PREDICTABLE! Quick, somebody book John Cena against the odds! They won't see THAT coming! *Ahem.*
 
Anyway, since then, Hogan's merchandise has been discounted at WWE Shop, and WWE even had the INDIGNITY to remove the Hulkster's profile from WWE.com! The humanity! How will anyone know he even exists! Oh those clever WWE.com bastards...
 
So, there you go. 'Tis not a great time to be Hulk Hogan. Suddenly, I picture him hitch-hiking alongside the road (to Wrestlemania?),  sadly holding a sign that reads "Will bodyslam 700 pound wart infested Giant...that causes him to die six days later... for Food". What a shame. (bruther.).
NA
3.

STEPHANIE MCMAHON:


Has there ever been anyone in wrestling history more worthless in their position than Stephanie McMahon? WWE's big stance has always been that "She's a McMahon!", and by virtue of that fact alone, she KNOWS WRESTLING INSIDE AND OUT. Well, as we've said many times before, Fredo in the Godfather was a Corleone, and was raised around the Mafia, but at least Don Vito wasn't stupid enough to put him in charge of the fucking family. Just saying.
 
That said,  Stephanie, the creative juggernaut (well, maybe just the second part) is at it again. Apparently, in her quest to pollute the industry with more jar-headed frat boys with tribal tattoos, Vince caught wind that many of these newcomers being brought up were not ready, and blew his stack. Steph's remedy was to put the kybosh on Daniel Rodimer's big push, and quickly sent him back to OVW (but not before he took the time to get a nice massage). From there, during talks of bringing in Mexican star Mistico; who was pushed for by Rey Mysterio himself, Steph's big idea was to of course UNMASK him, change his name, and send him down to OVW to "learn how to wrestle". Man. I can't wait for the debut of...Gunner Mistico? IT'LL BE AWESOME.
NA
4. VINCE RUSSO:

Hey, I know we pick on Vinny Ru A LOT here, but is it too much to ask that he book at least one match where people, I don't know, JUST WRESTLE?... instead of, you know, riding caskets to the ceiling, or having 16 dudes struggling on the floor...just to get into a fucking ring? Dear God. If Russo was commissioner of the NFL, instead of playing football, both teams objective would instead be to climb electrified goal posts, open a TUPPERWARE CONTAINER OF MYSTERIOUSNESS, then ride a pulley to the top of the arena where they'd then have to fight through a cage filled with unusual weapons attached to the walls. Then, the remaining players would have to all try scrambling out of the arena at once, and the first to do so, would move on to the next quarter where scaffolding and LAVA would be waiting~!
 
And this is just regular season play! You don't even want to see the Superbowl...
2
5.

RANDY SAVAGE:

As if once again being left out of the Hall of Fame, despite it being the 20th anniversary of perhaps Wrestlemania's single greatest match ever, was bad enough, Randy now has the indignity of being further buried on WWE.com in their "Greatest Wrestlemania moments" tournament, losing out to THIS. Dear god. Yes, apparently, the crowd booing John Cena at Wrestlemania 22 was clearly the more significant event in wrestling history. I seriously fear for humanity. But hey, on a related note, check out the results of WWE's LATEST poll!:

Which held more significance in the broad scope of World History?:
 
-Germany signs the treaty of unconditional surrender in 1945, thus ending World War 2: -3%
 
-John Cena pumps up his sneakers!: -97%.
NA
6.

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED:

According to an EXPOSE on Sports Illustrated's website; get this, PRO WRESTLERS ARE KNOWN TO BE ON STEROIDS. And right after this groundbreaking revelation, the author went on to reveal that the sun rises and sets daily, and that oxygen is necessary for human survival. When pressed for a comment on Steroids in Wrestling, Dave Batista replied, while clenching a syringe in his teeth and tightly winding a tourniquet around his big toe: "Steroids in Wrestling? That's just crazy talk!".
NA
7.

ASHLEY:

 
Ah, Ashley; the woman who revealed to us that the best way to get a promotion in your company, despite how terrible you are at your job, is to just take your clothes off. So, ya, kick off your pants at the office tomorrow. You'll be running the place by noon!

NA
8.

BATISTA:
Apparently, backstage, Batista is none-too-liked, and has been compared to of all people, The Ultimate Warrior. Man, it's a good thing Batista doesn't rely heavily on clotheslines and shake the ropes a lot! That certainly wouldn't help his cause much. Oh.
 
But seriously, can a "Self-destruction of Batista" DVD be far behind? Probably not. Only in his case, it'll be literal, when his arms and legs simultaneously explode from his body while in the ring. Hey, you've seen his wrestling lately. Tell me I'm wrong.
NA
9.

WSX: 


If someone had told me 6 months ago that Sean Waltman would be forced into a casket by a dark figure with a white skeleton face, I'd have assumed it was just the actual grim reaper coming to collect X-Pac after a lifestyle of poor choices. Turns out though, it was Wrestling Society-X, an MTV produced half-hour wrestling show, with high impact wrestling and hard rock music played throughout. And it was quite good while it lasted. The key being "while it lasted". MTV subsequently pulled the plug, and has removed it from its schedule entirely, so QUALITY PROGRAMS like "Date my Mom" and "Engaged and Underage" could air. The latter of which turns out isn't an autobiography of Jerry Lawler, after all. Just thought I'd clear that up.
 
R.I.P. WSX. We hardly knew you! Now pass the remote; fucking "Real World: Denver" is coming on...
NA
10.


 

ECW ONE NIGHT STAND 2007:

 
Hey, look, they moved One Night Stand from Hammerstein to Jacksonville Florida! And all because the company argued that the New York fans would "sabotage the show". Ya, because giving an audience what they want for one night is so completely out of the question. That's like feeding the homeless dog shit, and then wondering why they're not grateful. Jesus, WWE. But hey, stay tuned to for ECW One Night Stand! Rechristened:  ECW "Completely Loveless Arranged Marriage", LIVE on pay-per-view! It'll be a happening. EC-DUB! EC-DUB! EC-DUB!
NA
11.

WWE INTERNATIONAL:

 

If you haven't heard by now, there is actually talk of WWE expanding GLOBALLY, and having individual WWE-ran brands in countries across the world. And why not? After ECW, the ground's the limit for what they can do! The real trick now is finding a mask that fits guys like Bobby Lashley and Batista when they're unveiled as the new faces of Lucha Libre, and "re-educating" those stubborn Japanese puro fans on the dangers of the strong-style WORM.

NA 
12.

THE MIZ:

 
Hey, looks like The Miz is getting his own interview segment! Sort of a Piper's Pit of his own. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to see Miz's pit. Only in my version, it's a bottomless chasm for which he'd be thrown in, never to be seen again. Close enough.
9
13.

GOLDBERG:

Goldberg recently made noise about coming in and "saving TNA", but said that the only thing holding it back from happening was basically the money. When pressed for an exact amount, the camera quickly panned in close, he pressed his pinky to his mouth, and said "One Hundred Billion Dollars!" (or one million per every match he's had with Jerry Flynn). OK, maybe not.

10
14.

TEST:

HAPPY TRAILS to Test. Who was released (from captivity) and allowed to gallop off into the sunset. Rumors persist his termination was Wellness Program related, but that's just silly. It's just that he's so EXTREME, his rib cage can barely house his vital internal organs! That's all! In any event, no one knows what will become of Test. But our sources reveal that he will in fact live out the rest of his days on Mickie James' farm. Where she'll reward him with a delicious sugar-cube every time he properly pronounces the word "About". True story.
NA
15. ABYSS:

Not to spoil it for anyone (OK, I am), but Abyss's "mother" is coming into TNA to show him what for. Turns out she still harbors some resentment over his delivery some 30 years ago, that was said to be particularly difficult because his mask kept getting caught in her cervix. OK, maybe not. But seriously, could Russo mire this poor bastard in anymore bullshit? HE'S A BIG SCARY MOTHERFUCKER WITH A MASK. That's good enough. I don't need to meet the entire, umm, "Abyss Family". But you just know "Mom" is just the beginning. Soon we'll meet the whole family with convenient "abyss" derivative names! Like his gay Uncle Kanyon! His first cousin Void (played by anyone from the midcard). And of course the eventual arrival of his sister "Big fucking Hole" to be portrayed by Lita. It's coming together nicely.
NA
16.

MELINA:

The scuttlebutt on the net is that Melina is in the "dog house", and that her match with Ashley at Wrestlemania will decide her future. Holy shit. That's not pressure or anything. Having that ultimatum thrust upon you is the equivalent of being told to disarm a nuclear bomb, with both hands tied behind your back and blindfolded. And the scariest part is Ashley's wrestling still causes way more per-mile-radius damage than splitting an atom. That's right.

 
Now, I could further use a tasteless "dog house" joke here, but I won't, because I'm FUCKING CLASSY. Instead, I'll just say that if being in the 'dog house' with management means you get a TITLE and HOURS of airtime a month; if I was say Shelton Benjamin, I'd just go ahead and shank Vince McMahon in the ribs right now.  By Melina logic, you'd be a two time WWE Champion by Christmas! And if Vince dies? Well, Shelton's a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame in 2008. YOU CAN'T LOSE. (and neither can we...)
17
17.

LILLIAN GARCIA:

 

Lillian Garcia missed RAW this past Monday after she was injured in a skiing accident on the weekend. Apparently, Charlie Haas was snow-boarding on the same path, and well, I think you know what happened next. Ok, maybe not. But Lil gets a slot this week for forcing us to be subjected to two straight hours of Justin Roberts. Dear god.

NA
18.

BOBBY LASHLEY:


The "Lindsay" push (shove?) continues, and continues with no end in sight. I just wonder what would happen if he ever crossed paths with John Cena? I'm afraid to speculate. But if I had to, I'd say the ramifications of that collision of two identical forces, incapable of showing any sort of vulnerability, would likely cause the entire Universe to collapse upon itself and be swallowed up into a void for which it would never return. The good news? That'd mean we wouldn't have to hear anymore of his *really great* promos. I for one am ready to embrace our demise. Who's with me?
7
19. CHRISTY HEMME:

So, Christy Hemme's angle in TNA is that she just wants the opportunity to wrestle, and Billy Gunn chauvinistically makes light of her every attempt... and SHE'S THE BAD GUY? Dear God. It's a good thing Vince Russo wasn't around in the 60's. He'd have deployed Kip James into the throng of bra-burners to deliver a flurry of Fame-assers. And that'd be a SHAME. I for one support Christy Hemme's plight, and hope she too takes a page from the women's movement and burns her bra. But only if it's the one she was just wearing. Hey, what can I say? I loves me titties even more than equal rights.

 

NA
20.

KURT ANGLE:

Hey, I know Ol' Kurt hasn't said anything outrageous in a while, but consider this a preemptive nomination. You just know, sometime, somewhere soon, he'll reveal his goal of "saving" the UFC with a crippled Big Show by his side, while simultaneously defeating Chuck Liddell, Tito Ortiz and Randy Couture with MIND BULLETS. It has to happen.
21
21. JIM ROSS:

Apparently JR will be giving a lecture at M.I.T. (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) soon, where he plans on relating the world's greatest technological advances to the plight of mules distributed by a post Civil-war American government, that were then physically abused by their new owners. He'll then field questions from various students, but only if they vow to build up their upper bodies first, so they can get in the hunt. The whole thing will get even weirder from there....
 
Ok, Ok. I really have nothing bad to say about J.R. I just needed a number 21, and the Jim Ross university lecture filled that void nicely. By Gawd.
4
22.

RENE DUPREE:

According to the Observer newsletter, Rene Dupree and his seemingly perpetual erection, are in some hot water (if only it was cold water. Jesus) over something, and he may not be long for this world (wrestling entertainment).It's times like this, Renee's erection may become a detriment. I imagine it'd be a lot easier for agents to throw you from the building when they have a handle to grab on to...
NA 
23.
DAIVARI:

Poor Daivari! He's clearly a victim of racial midcard profiling!  Clearly, after a few 2 minute jobs to Scotty 2 Hotty, and getting dragged around by a hook by Kane, all of a sudden being unfairly violated in airport customs is looking a whole lot better! Looks like those good ol' WMD's aren't the only things being buried.
NA
24.
 
KANE + HOOK:

Hey, why use a hook when you have inborn powers to command fire at will? IT MAKES NO SENSE. Although, that big hook will come in handy at Wrestlemania when he wrestles Great Khali. When Khali stinks up the joint, the company can use it to pull both from the ring like those old vaudeville acts. And if not? Well, Kane's no stranger to re-debuting old gimmicks anyway, so could the sudden debut of Repo Kane be far behind? My god, I hope so.
NA
25.
WWE SHOP:

Hey, Easter's just around the corner anyway, so what could be a better gift to get a loved one then the UNDERTAKER EASTER BASKET?. And why not? What's so special about that "Jesus" guy, anyway? Last time I checked, he only came back to life ONCE. Undertaker's done it DOZENS of times! And you want to talk miracles? Undertaker got, count them, TWO good matches out of Mark Henry last year! So, no longer will you have a cross  SYMBOL to bear at Easter-time when it comes to GIFT GIVING. Get your Undertaker Easter basket today! Before this *DEAL* rests in peace!

NA
 

 

 
Hey~! While you're here, why don't you check out my WWE PPV Recapitations Archive? You won't be sorry you did! (Actually you will.). 
 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).