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The Wrestling Fan dot com, in conjunction with The Academy of Wrestling Arts & Sciences (whoever the fuck they are), ranks the Bottom 25 Superstars inside the wrestling world each week with the SOUR 25. The rankings are based on ridiculousness, stupidity, push (or lack thereof), as well as whether or not Canadian Bacon owns a piece of their merchandise. Be sure to check back every Sunday for the latest SOUR 25.  

Anvil's Swagbag's Note: So! Looks like I’m pulling a double duty this week. When Sean asked me to do this, I was a bit dubious. It’s hard to write one thing a week, let alone two. It drains you a little. But then, I thought, hell, I’m the ANGRIEST MAN in TWF! This is where I thrive! So sit back, enjoy, and maybe violate yourself when the laughs that are to follow give you one hell of a hard-on. I am one hell of an aphrodisiac.


SOUR 25 LEGEND

          Rise In Rankings        Fall In Rankings          No Change

 

This Week   Movement   Superstar   Last Week
               
1.  

  BAM BAM BIGELOW:

Because surely dying is the biggest fuck-up of them all. Surely. 

 o:p>

  NA
2.

VINCE RUSSO:

Once upon a time there was a young group of athletes putting together a good show that they called Total Nonstop Action. The show was exciting, the show was wrestling based, the show was driven, the show might even have been the future of Wrestling. Then one day, young Dixie decided that she was bored of putting on a good show week in and week out, and decided to hire Vince Russo, known from here on in as RUKAEMIA. Soon enough, there was reverse battle royals, storylines involving people shooting their own dad, and absolutely No Action Whatsoever. RUKAEMIA was happy, Dixie was happy, and everyone else died a little inside.

NA
3.

That Ring Announcer from Wrestling Society X:


Okay, who the FUCK thought getting Fat Joe to introduce the opponents was a good idea??
 
‘WE’RE GONNA SET THE WRESTLING WORLD ON (Cue big explosion)!!!’
 
Man, sit the FUCK down. You ever see Michael Buffer do that shit?
 
Michael Buffer:- (Hopping round the ring like his ass is on fire) LAY-DEEZ AND HOMIES! What’s the HIP HAP!? LET’S GET DOWN, AND READY TO RAMBAAAAAAAAAALLLL! (Cue big explosion and the whole crowd booing.)
 
Dude, you ain’t cool. You ain’t ‘down’. You are just hyperactive. Shit, I was watching WSX with Jim Carrey yesterday, and he said, ‘MAN, that guys over the top.’ Officially the most annoying man in wrestling.
NA
4. JIM ROSS:

Anybody else think Jim Ross listens to Jimmy Eat World and paints a solitary tear under his eye with make up? Jim Ross spends more time at his computer than Stephen Hawking. Hey, JR, how’s about you stop stealing Matt Hardy’s thunder, and work on LEARNING THE NAMES OF WRESTLERS FINISHERS. Ass munch.
23
5.

SMACKDOWN!:

For the first time in a long time, the WWE were creating a show, week in week out, which was actually universally agreed to be both entertaining and wrestling orientated. WERE. Because Vince clearly was not happy that people ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKED HIS PRODUCT, and shipped one half of the booking team off to ECW, where he will probably cry and cry until there is no liquid left in his body. And then he will probably cut himself. (It’s Dusty Rhodes, people, cut’s himself more than Good Ol’ JR and his Blog of Repetitive Emo-mation). So, whilst we are on the subject…..

 

NA
6.

VINCE MCMAHON:

DOUCHE!
3
7.

LASHLEY:

Question:- Are there any ECW Wrestlers who currently have a more pathetic workrate than Bobby Lashley?
 
Answer:- Erm… Chris Candido?
 
Lashley needs to shape up or ship the FUCK out. Much like…

NA
8.

CARLITO:
Apparently, management sent Ric Flair to bitch out Carlito in a segment on Raw to ‘light a fire’ under his ass. Fortunately, Ric Flair is fucking incomprehensible, so Carlito got off scot-free.
 
Believe me, if MANAGEMENT think you have gotten lazy, you’re a disgrace. MANAGEMENT pushed Kevin Nash into the title picture. MANAGEMENT think that Randy Orton, who has a CHINLOCK as one of his patented maneuvers, is perfect for the title picture. Carlito needs to pick his game up.
NA
9.

THE MIZ: 


Remember how we all thought that Giant Gonzales’ facials were the worst in wrestling history? Or Tyson Tomko’s facials were completely ridiculous? Well, I forgive both of them for all of their (many) sins because, let’s be honest, if I see The Miz do his, ‘OMGZ IZ SO SCAREDx2!!11!!’ facial one more time, I am going to go to my local park and inject myself with every needle I can find. The rustier the better.
 
Wait, I tell a lie. The worst facial I ever saw in wrestling was the one Joanie Lawler received in One Night In Chyna. Eeeuuuugghhhh.
11
10.


 

GOLDBERG:

 
Recently, TNA used Goldberg’s name in a segment. Goldberg responded to said mention. I have posted the response, in full, below.
 

WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAH!
 
Jesus man, take it as a fucking compliment. You still hear Hogan’s name in Wrestling all the time; he doesn’t do a poopy in his diaper about it. Fucking crybaby.
 
Ooooh, Goldberg's my number ten! Does that mean I can skip to sixteen without sight nor sound of the other numbers now? No? Screw you.
NA
11.

VKM:

Well, these two big bad-ass rebels hate Vince. FUCK they hate Vince. They hate Vince SO BAD that they… erm…. Recently pretty much asked for their job back. LIVE THE DREAM, YOU NON-CON-FUCKING-FORMISTS!
22 
12.

THE BISH:

Eric recently got into a fight and broke his right arm, but DON’T WORRY KIDDIES, it’s not what you think it is! Well, to be too honest, Eric, I haven’t really spent a lot of time pondering just how you could have broken your arm. But thanks for the opportunity for some cheap comedy…
 
Possibility one:- Meltzer finally caught up with him.
 
Possibility two:- Lance Storm finally caught up with him.
 
Possibility three:- The prostitute that emptied her bladder on his face this time was not content with ‘I have…erm… two dollars and a shiny nickel on me… yeah… the book didn’t sell that well…’
 
Possibility four:- I really couldn’t give a fuck you self indulgent prick.
NA
13.

KURT ANGLE:

Who believes that the presence of the crippled Big Show, and the presence of the crippled Hulk Hogan, would make TNA THE Wrestling leaders. I hear that he is also trying to rope in The Dynamite Kid and Droz. Kurt, you are a fucking LOON.

21
14.

WARRIOR:

The ONLY man in the world that thinks that, ‘If my figure doesn’t sell at THIS price, I’ll push the price up even further’, is a good way of doing business.
 
To be honest, I’m kinda sick of Warriors self righteous attitude. What the FUCK actually makes him think he is above ‘the average person’? He isn’t even a celebrity. I just asked my girlfriend if she knew who the Ultimate Warrior is, and in the same breath as the word, ‘no’, she asked me whether I wanted a jam roly poly for dessert. Fuck you, Warrior, you ain’t even as important as pudding.
NA
15. DONALD TRUMP:

It looks like they are going to be pushing Donald as a face. Except for the fact that Donald is about as Cuddly as Hitler. Donald Trump could dress as Barney and sing, ‘I love you, you love me’, and kids would still pull his tail, try to pull his Barney Head off and generally not give two flying shits about the man. Or his opponent. Hmm, who was that again? Oh yes…
NA
16.

VINCE MCMAHON:

DOUCHE!!!

NA
17.

MELINA:

 

To be honest, I never ever got what all the fuss was about anyway. Sure, the woman has large breasts, but mass-produced boobs aren’t quite the same. Sure, she has one hell of an ass, but so does Christy Hemme, so does Mickie James, be honest, asses are a dime a dozen.
Instead, she has a face like Black Beauty chewing cud. It’s long, it’s pointy. She looks like an extra from a Nickelback video.
Not only that, but her gimmick is a ‘primal scream’. Great! An ear piercing noise! I’m pretty sure Melina is just singing Yoko Ono songs… come to think of it, she LOOKS a bit like Yoko…

 
And now we find out she is still acting like a diva. Hmmph.
 
Although, in fairness, if the Dub want the women to stop acting like Diva’s, maybe they should… erm… stop referring to them as Diva’s. They’ll be shocked next when the Extremists bomb a public building in the name of Allah.
NA
18.

The ‘Old School Mentality’:


As far as I know, Arn, The Rock didn’t ‘pay his dues’ particularly when he broke in. And yet he drew more in his tenure than you did in your entire career. This goes for all of the Bill Watts Breed. This is Sports fucking Entertainment, not Wrasslin’. Do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger had to take on a liquid-metal robot before he filmed Terminator 2? No? Well OMGOSH HE DIDN’T PAY HIS DUES. Fuckwits.
NA
19. Finlay and sidekick:

Because apparently The Boogeyman likes it little. THIS WILL TEACH YOU FOR HAVING A MIDGET SIDEKICK FINLAY! Just think, if the Little Bastard had won the court case against WWE.Com, he’d have had enough money to retire, and you wouldn’t be in a feud which will inevitably lead to you looking like a complete imbecile. Take mah advice, wee liddle Finlay. Drain ye Guinness and run fo’ da heeeels laddie. But don’t ya come near me pot-o-gold. Although, to be fair, all storylines have to be run past one person first. Maybe the one responsible for this travesty is…

 

NA
20. VINCE MCMAHON:

DOUCHE.
 
(I swear, I’m not just recycling this joke because I’m lazy. HONEST!)
NA
21. PAUL HEYMAN:

‘Two words, GO FRICKING HOME’. Still, JR seems to think he’s still hired. It’s like Marty Janetty all over again, only this time… people DO give a fuck. And Heyman hasn’t blogged endlessly about Tibbles. You know what…
NA
22.

MARTY JANNETTY:

Because the guy blogs endlessly about Tibbles.
NA 
23.
 
Joey Styles and Tazz:

This is the epitome of lackluster. If these guys were doing the job from home they STILL wouldn’t be phoning it in any more. I’m especially shocked at Joey. He has always loved being the IWC’s little darling. He revels in it. And yet, he is willing to be associated with such a terrible product? Not such a renegade after all then, Joey. I think the word that you are looking for is ‘sellout’
 
New SITCOM, coming this Monday on the Fox network… When Joey Met Tazz.
 

Joey:- Sooo, this is where you live. It’s a little… dirty, isn’t it?
Tazz:- Welcome to Red Hook brother!
(Piped in laughs)
Joey:- OH MY GOD!
(Piped in laughter)
Tazz:- Not for nuffin!
(Piped in laughter, until a door opens)
Person at door:- Evenin’ everybody.
Everyone:- NORM!!!
 
Fucking hell.
.
13
(Tazz)
 
NA
(Styles)
24.
 
YOU:

Yes, you, the smark. The guy that buys all of the autobiographies so that he can say, ‘well, that’s fabricated, because Williams FIRST lizard was called Betsy!’ The guy who bought Lita’s fucking BRA on Shopzone, and then the next day went on a forum to make a Chlamydia joke. You, the guy who watches Wrestling PURELY BECAUSE he’s getting a little bored of bitching about his virginity, and needs a new target.
Thing is, fuck knows I’m a smark myself. Difference is, folks, although I bitch about the wrestling (see ALL OF the above) I can STILL stand back and say, ‘HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME’ if I enjoyed something. Sure, there is shite floating on the surface, but sometimes, taking said shit feels REAL good. So squeeze it out, enjoy it, and don’t forget that you are a fucking wrestling fan. Or, you know, you could blame it all on this man…
NA
25.
VINCE MCMAHON:

DOUCHE!

NA
 

 

The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).