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The Wrestling Fan dot com, in conjunction with The Academy of Wrestling Arts & Sciences (whoever the fuck they are), ranks the Bottom 25 Superstars inside the wrestling world each week with the SOUR 25. The rankings are based on ridiculousness, stupidity, push (or lack thereof), as well as whether or not Canadian Bacon owns a piece of their merchandise. Be sure to check back every Sunday for the latest SOUR 25.  

James Walker's Note: Hey there, kids! Wouldn't you know it, but James Walker has stepped out of his shell called PPV rants this week to give you guys the most reputable ranking system since People's Sexiest Man Alive, 1997. (I would have won, but 10 year olds aren't really considered men. Sadly, I don't think this 20 year old is considered as such either...) Whatever the case, Sean, Joe, and Tolerance have all decided that it's my turn to have a go on this mechanical bull we like to call the Sour 25, so let's see what she's got!

SOUR 25 LEGEND

          Rise In Rankings        Fall In Rankings          No Change

 

This Week   Movement   Superstar   Last Week
               
1.  

  ARN ANDERSON:

One of main proponents behind 1) Snitsky going to ECW and getting a large push, and 2) CM Punk cleanly losing to Hardcore Holly, Arn Anderson sure pissed me off this week.. His reasoning is that Punk got over “on a fluke”, and that Holly is a bigger star because he’s been in the business for 14 years.
 
Heaven forbid someone that’s young get over! Think of all the accountants we’d have to hire to account for the extra income they’re consistently bringing in!
 
Oh, also, he forced HHH to try to do a better Spinebuster.

 o:p>

   NA
2.

NBC EXECUTIVES:

NBC Executives: While Vince & Co. are to blame for this poorly executed Donald Trump bullshit, NBC actually pitched the idea to Vince in an attempt to boost interest for the upcoming season of The Apprentice. You know, it figures. The one time Vince takes booking ideas from someone else, it’s from people who are even MORE out of touch with the business than he is. Honestly, this would be like Sega relaunching a new-age Genesis, and taking tips from The Hamburglar.

NA
3.

VINCE MCMAHON:


Vince McMahon is an absolute nut-bar. I guarantee that he popped the largest boner in the world when he thought of that negative-star classic between “The Donald” and “The McDonalds”. The worst thing about it is that no one with any power had the balls to say that it was a great way to drive away your core audience. I swear, the reason he does that strut is because Johnny Ace has his head permanently lodged up his sphincter.
 
On top of that whole fiasco though, Vince has apparently now cancelled all PPV press conferences. Reason being? They weren’t benefiting profits enough to pay for the event? To give his guys a well deserved day off? NOPE! People going there were chanting “TNA”.
 
This just further my claims that Vince is one shitty-ass business man. He makes decisions with his balls, not his brains. (I do the same too, but “shitty-ass” is sort of my business, you see.) Point being is that Vince is like that senile grandfather of yours, who won’t let you watch anything but Charlie Rose when you visit him.
 4
4. RANDY ORTON:

Once HHH got injured, Orton looked more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish market. This match justifies the commonly-held belief that Randy Orton just isn’t ready for the main-event, because the guy simply couldn’t adapt to his surroundings. And here he was, preaching about Evolution.
 NA
5.

AMY ZIDIAN:

You know, I felt sorry for the girl. I really did. Here she was, she finally got her break on Smackdown as Wang’s manager, and I refrained from making any jokes. Next thing you know, we hear that she slighted Stephanie McMahon, and she got fired. Instantly, I felt a connection with this girl. However… time goes on, and it turns out she really had no clue as to what who anyone backstage was, let alone respected them.

However, the straw that broke the dainty little supermodel’s back was released this week, as it appears that Miss Zidian has been blog-bombing Kristal Marshall’s myspace account with scathing comments.

 

YOU HAVE NO JOB! LOL!

 

 NA
6.

THE GREAT KHALI:
Be careful what you wish for, James. You may have said that you wanted Cena to die in the past, but it looks legit now. The one time the WWE actually listens to it’s fans, they go about the worst possible route for it. It’s like saying you want a steak for dinner, then your mother taking you out to a farm, handing you a rifle, and telling you to shoot the cow if you want it that bad.
 NA
7.

KID KASH

There’s a very limited number of wrestlers who are unemployed and have been fired by both TNA and WWE, with Sean Waltman and Scott Hall are the others by my accounts. If Waltman is the pussy-whipped stoner and Hall is the obese drunk, that must make Kash the raging foul-mouthed woman beater (not this).


The only chance Kash now has at a steady paycheck is if WSX hires him on. I’d actually put money on that, seeing as how MTV will probably decide that female assault is now "in". Next on The 10-Spot, Justin Timberlake’s new "I’m bringin’ domestic abuse back" video!

 

 NA
8.

STEPHANIE MCMAHON:
When fattycakes heard about Hunter’s injury, she reportedly acted as if the man had been brutally murdered defending her country and no one could even attempt to approach her in comfort. If she keeps this type of behavior up, people might not take her seriously as a lead writer!
 
Fuck you, Arn Anderson.
 5
9.

HHH: 

He’s going to be staying at home now, which means that Stephanie will put down her box of Ho-Hos to bump uglies with Conan. And seeing as fat girls give the best head because they’re so hungry, she’s going to lose those extra 20 lbs, resulting in her regaining self-confidence, meaning she’ll be on out TV regularly again this year.
 
… Fuck you, Arn Anderson.
 NA
10.


 

THE MARINE:

 

It’s official: Kane is a bigger draw than John Cena. See No Evil has been a success for WWE films, but it’s painfully clear that The Marine is going to be anything but. What it comes down to is that See No Evil was simply a are more profitable venture. This is basic economics… ba-ba-basic economics.

However, word has come down that The Marine DVD will be RATED R! It’s a good thing John Cena’s fans aren’t either female or 12 years old!!!! Now you get to hear John Cena say “shit” instead of “poopy”! There’s gonna be more stuff getting blown up than a Billy Gunn VS Ultimate Warrior match!

NA
11.

THE MIZ

No real reason, aside from the fact that he’s so annoying, I turn the TV off. It’s like watching Ryan Seacrest on crack. Honestly… when I found out he was going to meet The Undertaker, I got so happy… until I found out they meant the wrestler, and I basically just pouted for the rest of the evening.		 NA
12.  

THE SANDMAN:
 I’m thinking off all the feuds Sandman has had in Heat-CW, and I can think of Generic Sports Enterainment Bullshit-jobbers, Mike Knox, The Big Show, and Matt Striker. And do you know how they’ve ended?

THEY HAVEN’T.

Seriously, just as Sandman has a feud rolling, they yank the barstool out from underneath him, making him fall downt he card and look like an ass. It’s like Michelangelo sculpting David’s elbow, and saying “whatever, that’s good enough”. Quick! What did Sandman do on the last ECW PPV? If you answered “Uhh… caned someone? I guess?”, you think exactly like everyone else.

 14
13.

TAZZ:

Not fur nuffin’, Tazz and Brad Armstrong have a legit dislike for each other that is off da hook. The reason Armstrong has been working as a commentator is because Tazz’s contract is coming to an end, and is considering not coming back; thus, they’re priming Armstrong to replace Tazz. Like getting a handjob from the whack-a-mole world champion, this has rubbed Tazz the wrong way. Don’t feel sad for Tazz, though. Word is that he’s already got another gig working for NASA as a demolition expert; his boss claims he’s quite the ‘Rocket Buster’..

 NA
14.

SYLVAN:

So buddy here was doing about 40 MPH over the speed limit because he was late for a house show. According to Pat Patterson, he couldn’t come fast enough. Ok, ok, seriously though, this is pretty serious – this could result in jail time for Sylvan. And the last thing Sylvan needs is to be imprisoned within ANOTHER penal system. 		21
15. THE IWC:

For actually giving a shit about some mid-carder getting a speeding ticket. This weekend, I predict that some douchebag is going to inform me that, yes, Candice Michelle did an autograph signing in an Auto Mall, and that Rob Conway was spotted this weekend buying some sunglasses. We’re like the Paparazzi, except we sit on our asses hoping for a nipple slip.
 NA
16.

MATT STRIKER:

"Your Teacher” apparently has a lot of heat in the locker room. That’s a really dumb idea Matt; no one should be watching shitty online WWE shows on a laptop backstage. Some people like to ignore the fact that Val Venis still has a job, ok?

 NA
17.

MICHAEL COLE:

 

On the Survivor Series 2006 DVD’s commentary track, Cole actually said “The Late, Great, One Man Gang”. It’s bad enough that he’s seemingly trying to single-handidly reduce the over population of the world, but when he’s claiming that One Man Gang was “great”, you’ve gone too far. Perhaps “The breathing, wheezing, One Man Gang?” What about “The Alive, and talent-deprived?”

 1
18.

BROTHER RUNT:


So.. let me get this straight. His new character is that he’s a drunk? It seems so ECW Lite – he’s gone from “LSD” to “DUI”. But really, we all should have seen this one coming. A skinny, drunken, shirtless weakling causing mischief and mayhem anywhere he goes? I’ve seen enough episodes of Cops to know how this one turns out.
 NA
19. THE GAME:

So some rapper is angry at a wrestler for copyright restrictions? Am I the only one who wants to see Triple H & DDP VS The Game & Jay-Z? Maybe at Bash at the Beach?

 

 NA
20. DAIVARI:

Since debuting as part of the full-time roster in 2005, Daivari has gone from Raw, to Smackdown, to Raw, to Smackdown, to ECW, and to Smackdown. It’s like he’s back in India, and working for 3 brands all over again. Except this time it’s wrestling brands, not athletic shoe brands.		 NA
21. KURT ANGLE:

While I don’t have any evidence to back it up, I’m sure that somewhere this week, Kurt Angle claimed that he could beat rape Chuck Liddell’s children, wipe his bloody penis on Mrs. Liddell’s wedding dress, drink a Rohypnol protein shake, and still beat him blindfolded. 		11
22.

VKM:
And You know, I’ve been defending the angle for a while now… but after hearing about how it’s transitioned from “VKM vs DX & Vince” to “VKM vs Christy Hemme” after Final Resolution, well, I think we can all agree that this angle is even more useless than Triple H insisting to Stephanie that he doesn’t know why there’s red pubic hair in his teeth.
 NA 
23. GOOD OLE JR:

Holy crap, this man is a blog whore. Honestly, get this guy a cheap digital camera and a new found taste for The Killers, and he’d be right at home on myspace. I don’t know what’s more disturbing – that a 50-something year old man pitching BBQ sauce comments on wrestling and college football with an amazing amount of regularity on the internet, or that nerds like me actually read it religiously.

NA
24.
TEDDY LONG:
So.. you have a beat-the-clock style tournament, and you don’t include the BOOGEYMAN? What kind of general manager are you? This is like the time when Hitler didn’t recruit the services of lucha-superstar, Blitzkrieg. What a dumbass
 24
25.
Sean Carless
 SEAN CARLESS:

First, there was TWF. Then, he got a myspace account. But folks… Sean’s now gone into full out inter-whore mode, and now has a blog. A hilarious, witty, and well worth the click blog. That rat bastard. 
NA 

 

James Walker is pretty much the best thing ever. I mean, sure, there's been Terminator, grilled cheese sandwiches, and naked women storms, but TWF's resident comic relief takes the cake. Seriously, he actually goes to children's birthday parties and grabs it just as it's being brought out. Never the less, a proud owner of a Golden Tenay and an incredibly large penis, James Walker strives for one thing in life: RACIAL EQUALITY, NIGGUH.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).