Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

The Wrestling Fan dot com, in conjunction with The Academy of Wrestling Arts & Sciences (whoever the fuck they are), ranks the Bottom 25 Superstars inside the wrestling world each week with the SOUR 25. The rankings are based on ridiculousness, stupidity, push (or lack thereof), as well as whether or not Canadian Bacon owns a piece of their merchandise. Be sure to check back every Sunday for the latest SOUR 25. 

Sean Carless' Note: Originally created by our friend TolerancE, the "prestigious" TWF Sour 25 has become a popular staple here at TWF.  However, since Tol's currently busy putting together his new Radio station, and running his own site right here,  in the interim, the TWF staff and I are taking turns putting this thing together. So, with that said, it's once again my turn this week, so let's get to the tastelessness~!


SOUR 25 LEGEND

          Rise In Rankings        Fall In Rankings           NO CHANGE

 

This Week   Movement   Superstar   Last Week
               
1.  

 
MICHAEL COLE:

I’m starting to see why Michael Cole’s career as a newsman lasted about as long as a prom night hand-job.
 
Just in case you didn’t know, Cole currently runs WWE’s website "WWE.com". Unfortunately though, since that promotion, he’s proceeded to be responsible for blunder after blunder. Most notably a memoriam for the not really dead Cpl. Kirchener, and the revealing of spoilers for impending announcements. But the absolute worst is WWE’s newest “HILARITY” : 'Vince McMahon’s Ass' cartoon. And not because the whole thing is ridiculously unfunny. Although that’s a good enough reason. No, see, the real reason is that the entire character is apparently ripped off from an Adult Swim cartoon character named Assy McGee. According to the F4W newsletter~!, the creators of the show have filed a lawsuit against WWE for not only the character itself, but in several cases the blatant stealing of the storylines themselves. But here’s the great part: Assy McGee is a show on the Cartoon Network, which is owned by TURNER BROADCASTING! Haha. We have come full circle. Good thing Mr. McMahon’s "ass" has those little arms; he’ll at least be able to soften the blow slightly when Billionaire Ted’s lawyers fuck it into oblivion.
 
Anyway,Vince was IRATE (he apparently LOVED the cartoon) when he found out  it wasn’t original, and Michael Cole may be fired as head of WWE.com as a result (but not his commentating gig).
 
So, all in all it looks like Cole will at least have more time to concentrate on his REAL passion: Not ever saying the word “HEAD” on TV. Ever. Not even once.

o:p>

 

  NA
2.

HULK HOGAN:

I briefly mentioned it in the PRESTIGIOUS Fanny Awards, but Hulk Hogan recently made news in an Australian interview, where he finally set us NON-BELIEVERS straight about what REALLY Happened in Montreal in 1997. Apparently Shawn Michaels forcefully pinned Bret Hart to legitimately take the World Title at Survivor Series, as Bret’s home country of Canada viciously booed the Hitman chastising him with catcalls of “Bret screwed Bret!”

I for one believe Hulk. He’s always been a beacon of integrity. Whether it be  ‘going easy’ on Andre at WM 3 which allowed Andre to live for about 4 more days after being body-slammed, or completely “relieving” Ultimate Warrior of his spotlight in 1990 as a "good will gesture", Hulk’s integrity should NEVER be in question. I mean after all, he once vowed to swim us all to safety atop his barn-door back when the earth opened up and swallowed the Trump Plaza into the Atlantic Ocean in 1988. Hell, he even vowed to save Donald Trump (much to the chagrin of Rosie O’Donnell I’m sure) providing the Donald ‘do the right thing’ and give up all his worldly possessions first (seriously.). Although, I’m personally convinced the ONLY reason Hulk would EVER save Donald is because The Hulkster is desperate to learn Trump’s secret hair combing technique that sees it wound around his entire head like a complicated turban. I mean, there has to be a reason Hulk’s had his hair long at the back despite being as barren as your grandmother’s womb on top! Come on, Donald, spill it! Suckas gots to know.

NA
3.

JOHN LAURINAITIS:


Some people might ask what a guy who could never get his own ass over in North America, and whose only career highlight domestically involved him doing fucking olly's with Shane Douglas, is doing running the talent department in WWE. These people don’t draw a paycheck from WWE, however.
 
Anyway, while we’d all like to hire every woman we masturbate to as well (sadly I can’t convince Jennifer Love Hewitt to write for us no matter how much I try), Johnny Ace actually makes it a reality. But unfortunately for him, this business practice has recently gone awry. WWE just released a Diva named Amy Zidian, last seen accompanying Jimmy Wang Yang to the ring a month or so ago on Smackdown, for unprofessional conduct that included insulting  Vickie Guerrero. The problem? Laurinaitis went to bat for her. A few times. Then she rolled her eyes at Stephanie McMahon, having no idea who she was. That was it for Zidian. She was sent packing faster than Ace flogged the bishop to her spread in a Sears catalogue. And the best part? There’s TWENTY MORE of these types on their way apparently. God bless WWE. The only company in the world where the only consequences a guy like Laurinatis gets is some chafing from the “hiring process”.
NA
4. VINCE MCMAHON:

According to Vince, the reason why ECW has lost momentum is because there’s not enough “comedy” (seriously). But hey, if “laughing at ECW” was REALLY the answer to their ratings woes, it’d be the number one show on TV right now. If Vince really wants to up the comedy meter even more, he should just broadcast the booking meetings on air. An explanation as to why Test should be your number one contender might be the comedy highlight they need to kick-start this new movement!
5
5.

STEPHANIE MCMAHON:

In between writing some of the best TV never, Stephanie apparently has stars in her eyes for former Tough Enough contestant Daniel Rodimer, and wants him called up to the RAW roster ASAP, despite the fact that Rodimer has only had about 6 months total in-ring career time. And the best part? She apparently sees him as “a new Diesel”! Oh dear God, Kane needs to intervene here. We all know how well that worked out the last time. Actually, she probably just meant a tall, imposing bodyguard. Although, I’m hoping she wants him to literally be Diesel, meaning we’ll only have to watch a few of his matches before his muscles exploded and he’s off TV.

 

In any event, a lot of people are BAFFLED as to what Big Steph could possibly see in Rodimer, because his OVW work leaves little to be desired. Some think Steph likes his “look”. But that can’t be it. Since when does she go for tall, muscular guys with long blond hair with Cro-Magnon features? Oh.

NA
6.

PAUL HEYMAN

Paul Heyman has no idea what ECW is supposed to be according to Vince. And you can’t fight logic like that. I mean, clearly Alexander Graham Bell really knew nothing about Telephones when he invented those. And Thomas Edison? He got lucky with that whole “light bulb” thing. Jess McMahon’s father was THIS CLOSE to it in the 1800’s. I’m just glad Vince was there to save us from Heyman’s antiquated ideas on how to run his own concept. It just goes to show you, just because you revolutionize the industry and create concepts that “other” people exploit to pull their own company out of near bankruptcy with just because they have the cash to take your ideas mainstream, doesn’t mean YOU know how to run the entity you invented. Oh wait. Yes it does.

NA
7.

RVD:

Despite being buried farther in WWE these days than a child’s shitty diaper in a landfill site, RVD just wouldn’t budge on Vince's “voluntary” trip to Iraq. And by “voluntary” he meant in the same sense as Mike Tyson saying you have a choice on whether or not you have to have sex with him. At the end of the day (or at least about 20 after 4,) RVD still decided to pass (tee-hee) on the trip (tee hee). Apparently the only gaseous cloud of smoke he’s willing to risk going into, is the one where Sabu is also riding shotgun.

NA
8.

SABU
Apparently Sabu has gotten huge heat recently for falling asleep in the locker room. Some speculated that this might be the reason why he’s been jobbed so frequently recently. But regardless, I think WWE should be praising Sabu! He’s a GREAT role-model for WWE fans. After all, if we took a page from him and fell asleep during ECW shows, we wouldn’t be able to turn the channel! Imagine the ratings! Sabu is a pioneer!
NA
9.

CHRIS MASTERS: 


Things haven’t been looking too good for the Masterpiece for quite a while. First, HHH made light of him “dropping 50 pounds in 6 months”(despite Hunter doing the opposite) , in addition to spending more time staring at the ceiling these days than Lindasy Lohan on a club hop. But now, he has finally had his Masterlock broken… by a 145 pound near midget, no less. But he shouldn’t feel too bad. If 2006 was any evidence, this same guy should be in line for a Smackdown World title victory at Wrestlemania!
8
10.


 

ECW DIE-HARDS~!:

 

I don’t know how hard they actually die, but I’m willing to put in the effort to find out.

In any event, if you didn’t know, on ECW.com, they have a weekly feature called “ECW Die-Hards” where they feature “ECW’s biggest fans”…who ironically enough often just started watching ECW like 6 months ago. EC-DUB! EC-DUB! EC-DUB! Ya.

Anyway, they recently had a vote to determine “the best” of these fans, as Straw Hat Guy was found hanging himself in his bathroom with his loud Hawaiian shirt fashioned into a noose. The winners ended up being two young teenaged girls from Jacksonville, which obviously proved that Jerry Lawler has since rescinded his disdain for “Extremely Crappy Wrestling” to personally choose the winner.

But my favorite part? THEY’RE THE WORLD’S BIGGEST KELLY KELLY FANS! Dear God. She’s an inspiration to them apparently. One day they too hope to have an unending stalemate with their complicated underwear. I fear for humanity.

NA
11.

KURT ANGLE:


Despite being TNA’s biggest signee to date, Angle has allegedly been rubbing some people the wrong way with unwanted “advice”. Most notably suggesting to Chris Sabin that he adopt a Pigpen (from the Peanut cartoon strip) gimmick because of his appearance. Man, it just goes to show you, just because you’re not on drugs anymore, don’t mean your ideas don’t have to play the part.
 
NA
12.

JOEY MERCURY:

All dressed up with no face to go. Normally in WWE, whenever you suffer a freak accident they give you a push. Hell, Bob Holly, despite bringing as much to the table these days as an Ethiopian Restaurant, got a push for slicing his back open, but according to Wrestling Observer newsletter, Joey can look forward to a career of putting over the likes of Tatanka when he returns in February.

Originally, Mercury was slated for ECW, but since Heyman’s departure, new head-writer Dave Lagana is pushing hard for Gene Snitsky instead; because let’s face it, what you REALLY need in ECW is more giant dudes throwing big boots. Poor Joey Mercury. You end up with a grill that looks like circa Rocky 4 Rocky Balboa after being stung by killer bees, and then they give your slot to guys who’d disintegrate if someone ever threw a bucket of Clearasil on them. Anything can happen in the WWE!!!... Except for logic. And justice. And good sense. And good writing. And…well, you get the picture.

NA
13.

MARTY JANNETTY:

Marty Jannetty might be the only guy in the world who doesn’t know he no longer works for WWE. Apparently on his My Space, he vowed to get to the bottom of this “mystery” and obvious “mistake”. But hey, just as a tip off, when you don’t actually ever appear on WWE TV, wrestle house shows, work their territories, or DRAW A FUCKING PAYCHECK, that usually means you don’t work there. I’d compare him to Office Space’s Milton, but at least that guy showed up to work. It doesn’t mean Marty shouldn’t still set Titan Tower on fire though. Be my guest.

NA
14.

THE SANDMAN:

News has come out that (allegedly) Sandman may be on thin ice in WWE/ECW because he annoys The Undertaker. Apparently fire, being run over, buried alive, crushed and maimed doesn’t bother this guy, but a drunk dude being obnoxious does. If Sandman actually had the nerve to upgrade his plane tickets from coach and wheeled his carryall, Undertaker might just explode fem-bot style on the spot. Undertaker vs. umm, Kane Cane?... at Wrestlemania! Book it.

NA
15. SCOTT HALL:

Stephanie was apparently looking for a “new Razor Ramon” for her “new Diesel” but Scott ate him. Ok, this is just another cheap jab at Scott (Cholester) Hall’s rapid weight gain. But seriously, what gives? Maybe someone replaced The Bad Guy’s flask of Thunderbird with a heavy chicken gravy? Dear lord, man.
NA
16.

VLADIMIR KOZLOV:

In Soviet Russia terrible gimmick chooses you! That’s right, Oleg Prudius, the man Jerry Jarrett sold his son down the (Mississippi?) river for, will be debuting in WWE with a new foreign heel gimmick! SURPRISE~!

As seen on last week’s RAW, he will be portraying a character who doesn’t know he’s hated (like John Cena!). He’ll then only be listed as being from his entire country with no discernable hometown, sing his national anthem to visceral hated despite this not being a problem in any other sport, and of course be vilified by the commentators for not being born in America. After all, anyone not born in the U.S. has a natural predisposition toward Evil. It’s just science. You can’t fight it.

NA
17.

ERIC BISCHOFF:

 

There’s currently a war of words taking place between Eric Bischoff and Lance Storm, the only man in wrestling who can execute a rolling half crab without simultaneously losing his place in a good book.

 

Lance recently critiqued Eric’s book “Controversy Creates Cash”, for its apparent typos and blatant errors, and Eric shot back that Lance just spoke up because he’s a bitter “never was”, instead of arguing any of Lance’s actual points. Look for this and more though from Easy E in Eric’s follow up book: “Giving Kevin Nash the book and building an entire episode of Nitro around a live KISS Concert creates bankruptcy….”

Sometimes the most obvious jokes are the…easiest? Yup.

NA
18.

EUGENE:


Hey, if George W. Bush can make an evil retard gimmick work, surely WWE can too!

NA
19. KENNY DYKSTRA:

Hey, isn’t it just like the postal service to fuck up your delivery. Apparently Kenny got out of the box and is now prospering as “Kenny Dykstra”… and not Kenny Doane. And you know when they let a referee keep your last name, and repackage you, that good things are not on the horizon. But hey, whatever. I’d rather talk about that box. Why is it that DX are heroes when they trap 5 cheerleaders in a crate, but when I do it, it’s called a “sex crime” and I get labeled a “monster”? Did I do it wrong? 
NA
20. MVP: 

Gee, I wonder who was getting set on fire at Armageddon? The seven foot shirtless dude, or the guy wearing a full body 1930’s fucking male bathing suit. Although, it took some balls for WWE to have a skinhead set a black guy on fire in the deep south. That shit don’t fly no more.
NA
21. SYLVAN:

This guy can’t even catch a break as Santa Claus. But hey, it was only natural that Grenier would end up portraying Kris Kringle. After all, both men’s jobs are based entirely around emptying their sack.
NA
22. CM PUNK:

What’s the best way to potentially sabotage a Straight Edge lifestyle? Why a 50/50 feud with Sparky Plugg of course! I know I’d put down the soy-burger and Pepsi and take up heavy drinking if I had to feud with fucking Bob Holly.

24 
23. TORRIE WILSON:

Torrie’s character isn’t just damaged goods, those goods are unrecognizable and no store on Earth would give you a refund. Even a pawn shop. I once went over the entire sexual history of the Torrie Character, and let’s just say, they could use her vagina as the Smackdown entrance aisle, and not ever have to worry about clearing JBL’s limo. Poor Carlito.

NA
24.
TEDDY LONG:

SD better not ever lose The Undertaker to RAW, or Teddy will be finished. Long’s entire history as GM has revolved around him using Undertaker in some shape or form. I sometimes wonder if his obsession with the Deadman transcends wrestling. I can just imagine Teddy during a romantic evening with the Mrs.:
 
“Honey, I’d like to make love with ya tonight, playa. But I’m not gonna do that, Dawg. Tonight...in this bed….you’ll go… one on one… with…THE UNDA-TAKAH! Blee Dat, Playa. Holla Holla Holla!”
15 
25.
ULTIMATE WARRIOR:

Ultimate Warrior has re-launched his website, and contained within is a store where YOU can purchase a T-shirt with Warrior’s likeness on it. And while you won’t be able to suddenly scoop up random people and press them to the heavens whilst wearing Warrior-wear, you still may suddenly feel the urge to randomly hate minorities, homosexuals and fat people, just because. But hey, don’t take my word for it. Warrior himself says it best:
 
“Let me be unimaginably clear about this. Even at the funny misfortune of having a lifetime inventory of Team Warrior America Wear only for family and myself, I don’t want the threads of this apparel draped over the bodies of silent, unprincipled wimps who can’t find at least a few traditional DNA molecules in harmony with Thomas Jefferson’s oft-quoted scorn for any degree of oppression on individual liberty: “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” 
 
Although Team Warrior America is a peacekeeping organization to inspire courageous and prejudiced, yet polite, defense of American Patriotism, all shirts bloodied due to ‘refreshing the tree of liberty’ are replaced free of charge. Two shirt replacement if Islamofascist blood. Place shirt in Ziploc bag and send to “Team Warrior America Tree of Liberty Blood Donor.” Include story of battle fought, Warrior Patriot’s name and address. New shirt to 'refresh' ships out immediately.”
 
Haha. There you go. Feel free to smite someone whilst wearing this T-shirt, and Warrior himself will reimburse you for your trouble so long as you can prove your deed. This “proof” however probably won’t do your murder case very good. There’s a reason why no one’s ever found OJ’s other glove. WARRIAH. 

NA
 

 

 

Hey~! Guess who "sold out" and got a My Space page? EL OH EL! LEZ BE FRIENDS!
 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).