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The Wrestling Fan dot com, in conjunction with The Academy of Wrestling Arts & Sciences (whoever the fuck they are), ranks the Bottom 25 Superstars inside the wrestling world each week with the SOUR 25. The rankings are based on ridiculousness, stupidity, push (or lack thereof), as well as whether or not Canadian Bacon owns a piece of their merchandise. Be sure to check back every Sunday for the latest SOUR 25.  

Joe Merrick's Note: Hey there, bucko’s and fucko’s. How’s it going? Fantastic you say? Well I’m here to fix that. You see, ol’ TolerancE couldn’t make it this week, and Sean’s shown his Irish side and left a Brit to put up with this week’s bombs. Geddit? You see what I did there right? Aah humour.

Anyway, without further adieu, I present this week’s SOUR 25. BRIT STYLE, YO.

SOUR 25 LEGEND

          Rise In Rankings        Fall In Rankings           No Change

 

This Week   Movement   Superstar   Last Week
               
1.  

  TRIPLE H:

I know, I know, HHH-bashing is old and passé. Here’s the deal though, sure, the guy might have reformed a little bit, and hasn’t *really* been as egotistical as we were used to him being, and he has had the decency to stay away from the title.
 
However, I recently found out the real reason he’s been doing this. You bought Smackdown vs. RAW 2007 yet? Play season mode with any RAW guy, any at all. Hell, even some Smackdown guys. ALL YOU EVER DO is feud with Triple fucking H. No wonder he stayed away from the title in real life: He’s too busy invading CYBERSPACE. Seriously, every single feud is somehow tied in with him, and JR spouting some bullshit like ‘Can ANYone defeat the Game?’ yeah, JR, I already did when Smackdown 1 came out, tool. We should fucking call this guy HHHacker, the amount of time he spends ransacking the polygon world. Still, I suppose he’s used to being around silicon figures, look at Steph…
 
I was so frustrated about this; I even emailed HHH out of frustration. The results:
 
HHH: Yeah, well, you’re just a fat 12 year old.
Joe: This coming from a fat 40 year old.
HHH: …touché.

 o:p>

   NA
2.

THE UNDERTAKER:

Now, I am a huge mark for this guy, but JESUS ON AN AIDS-INFECTED PONY he needs to trim down his entrance length. Seriously, it’s as if the guy heard the phrase ‘The Quick and the Dead’ and decided the latter suited him better. Watching his entrance is like a slow process than the aging scene in Indiana Jones the Last Crusade. By the time it’s finished, you’ll look like the friggin’ Krypt Keeper.

 NA
3.

CENA SYMPATHIZERS:


Again, I know Cena bashing can be considered old too, but that’s not really the point of this entry. Ya see, I recently noticed a large amount of people suddenly turning tail on their opinions of Cena, whereas before they were bashing the hell out of him, they now deem that any negativity towards Cena is ‘the Cena hate bandwagon’. Has it ever occurred to these people that, despite the original Cena Hate bandwagon that came before, Cena might be genuinely disliked by some people? Say what you will about Cena putting in more effort, the fact is the guy can’t even get an STF right, so fuck him.
 NA
4. WWE CREATIVE:

This is perhaps the most obvious recipient for anything negative. The only positive thing I would give this lot, in fact, would be a fucking electrical charge to the testicles. It’s not even to do with the current booking, or the product as a whole, as to why I’m entering these tools. Just take a look at THIS.
 
This of course would file under ‘Family Guy’s rejected flashbacks’. I mean come on. The audience is pissing on him for fuck sake. For more on how stupid the creative team are, check out entry #26 before carrying on.
 NA
5.

VINCE MCMAHON:

For encouraging a CARTOON SHOW ABOUT HIS OWN ASS. What the fuck kind of gimmick is that, where you’re most associated with anus? I’m looking at you, Billy Gunn. Or Something something James, whatever you call yourself these days.

24 
6.

THE BOOGEYMAN:
I think my esteemed colleague Anvil’s Swagbag put it best when he said:
 
“This guy is the pants, I’m telling you. I mean, I was playing Smackdown Vs Raw 2007 earlier, and for fun I opted for The Boogeyman. THE GUY HAD TWO FUCKING MOVES IN HIS ARSENAL. AND NEITHER OF THEM INVOLVED WORMS. I e-mailed THQ about the glitch in their game, but they said they refused to up his move list to three, because they had never seen The Boogeyman do a clothesline. Fair point”
 
Ok, maybe it didn’t sum it up well. Either way, Boogey, what happened? Everyone was fully behind you, now we all want you to go the way of the real Boogeyman…and stop existing. That and stop molesting kids at night. Sick fuck.
 NA
7.

THE ANVIL'S SWAGBAG

Damn it man, you were supposed to suck at recapping so people would appreciate me more when I got back! And as for lazy, where’s YOUR weekly column huh? Huh? Oh yeah, don’t forget who made you, boy. Also, your girlfriend Steph can totally take an Angry Dragon like a trooper.

 NA
8.

CHRIS MASTERS:
Jesus Christ. The guy gets his first win in I don’t know how long, and Lawler puts it over huge, and the last image we see of him barely an hour later is him knocked out on the toilet like a drunk college chick. Tune in next week when he wins the World title then gets a wedgie by some kindergartners straight after!
 NA
9.

CARLITO: 


Man, it pains me to put this guy in here again, but I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with his character. Suddenly he’s turned into foreign Napoleon Dynamite and we all know those three words together can only mean triple the suckiness. He seriously needs to find a scientifically possible way to spit an apple into his own face at this point.		 20
10.


 

K-FED:

 

So apparently the last straw to this guy’s marriage to Britney was that he came home one day to her and she laughed about a COMEDY spot he did on RAW so he wrecked the house. I ain’t saying the guy was a comedic genius or anything, but when someone laughs at your comedy attempts you’re not supposed to go apeshit. Maybe he was reminded of how people reacted to his latest album or something.

1
11.

REY MYSTERIO

Who the hell wears a mask during surgery? What’s that? A surgeon? Oh shut the fuck up.
 NA
12.

BIG DICK JOHNSON:
I don’t know what’s worse. The fact this guy did his ridiculous gimmick in my hometown or…

 5
13.

MANCHESTER FANS:

The fact that the people FROM my hometown lapped it all up like it was Jesus ejaculating on them. FUCKING HELL guys, we’re supposed to be cynical! CYNICAL.

 NA
14.

UMAGA:

Isn’t it HILARIOUS how everyone calls him UUUUUMAGA? It is, isn’t it. Fucking totally.		 NA
15. TEDDY LONG:

What kind of ASS just hands over one of his biggest prospects to a supposedly rival brand? I know this is all kayfabe, obviously, but think about it. The guy is ridiculously predictable in a random way. Even discounting his ridiculous roster shenanigans, this guy’s sketches are ALL. THE FUCKING. SAME.
 
The guy is developing into a black Wishmaster, in that whatever a heel asks for, he gives it to them, but with a whole lotta strings attached. Such as:
 
Booker: T-Lo, I need a break, seriously. You’re working me too hard.
Teddy: Ok playa, this Sunday, at NO WAY OUT, you’ll be put in a ‘First to Fracture’ match! First one to break the opponent’s bone(s) is the winnah playa
Booker: I…you could not have possibly thought I meant that I wanted a break as in I wanted one of my bones to be broken. That’s highly HIGHLY improbable.
Teddy: Holla holla holla!
 
Or even:
 
MVP: Teddy, please, turn the camera off. I need to talk to you seriously.
Teddy: Ok Dawg, but I’ll keep em on anyway, cos that’s how Smackdown works on FRIDAY NIGHTS, playa!
MVP: Teddy, I have cancer.
Teddy: Then I am giving you a Barbed wire shark on a pole match this Sunday against Kane and the Undertaker, playa!
 
JESUS.
 22
16.

LAX:

Right. Ok, I don’t follow TNA all that much (OMG I MUST BE A MARK) but…um, isn’t this like the Un-Americans recruiting Kurt Angle? Or the Ku Klux Klan going to a 50 Cent concert? Or something? I dunno.

 NA
17.

MATT HARDY VS. GREGORY HELMS:

 

No, don’t worry; I’m not recapping ANOTHER match of theirs. But you have to admit, as talented as these guys are, we SERIOUSLY need some variation in this feud of theirs. I mean Christ; this is the booking equivalent of two retards bumping into each other repeatedly in a corridor in an attempt to pass each other.

 NA
18.

TNA FANS NON-CONFORMISM OMGZ:


This particularly pisses me off. See, the whole ‘WWE-bashing’ was all well and good when Rhino and even the Dudleys doing it. It had a point, it was somewhat hard hitting and had given all these men a much-needed rejuvenation in character. But now that just about every fucker is doing it, it really comes off as transparent. It’s getting to the point where even the James gang and Angle are doing it, and I’m wondering if these are legit sketches, or they just force these guys to badmouth WWE and film them doing it.
 
TNA, listen. I know you’re still trying to establish yourselves, but you’re not gonna do it by whiffing punches at the biggest dog in the yard. I’m not a WWE advocate, but I know you’re not gonna beat it using sour grapes.
 NA
19. LASHLEY:

Apparently this guy thinks he’s getting nowhere on Smackdown, which is fair enough, but where does he decide to go? ECW. The one brand where no one gives a shit what happens, and so far hasn’t even pulled out a major feud, or even ANY kind of memorable feud. Seriously, Lashley, dude, leaving SD for ECW because you’re in a rut is like jumping out of quicksand into a tar pit…except you’re already black before doing that.

 

 7
20. VINCE RUSSO:

Like I said I don’t follow TNA all that much, but, well, I mean, it’s Vince Russo. The guy should probably have a regular spot in here like I do in those bushes in the park on Saturday nights. We both end up screwing things anyway.		 2
21. HARDCORE HOLLY:

It’s like WWE tried to pick someone who fans couldn’t give less of a shit about. It’s kinda sad and funny really how they weakly tried to ‘rejuvenate’ his character by making his gimmick to hate rookies. Plus, think about his finisher. It’s pretty much a reverse FU only at a different angle. Yeah, that’s right. I compared Cena to Holly. Bet you don’t like either of them now eh?		 NA
22. RON SIMMONS:
And now we go to Ron Simmons with the Disaster Report in New Orleans. Say Ron, what are they doing to prevent this flood?
 
Simmons: DAM.
 
Thanks, Simmons.
 25 
23. GREAT KHALI:

I’m not even picking this guy for his sheer uselessness, but because now they expect us to associate this guy with the Hassan theme. It’s an awesome theme, and it does not deserve to be used by this tub of crap.

NA
24. CM PUNK:
Aha, I just wanted to piss off some smarks. Juuust kidding.
 
...actually, who does he think he is? No alcohol or nothing because he wants his body to be pure or some shit, yet he gets tattoos, which are just various forms of chemicals being injected into his skin. FUCK straightedge.
 NA
25. YOU:

That’s right. What kind of retard thinks there’s a 26th entrant on a SOUR 25? God you suck.
 
NA 

 

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport..

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).