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The Wrestling Fan dot com, in conjunction with The Academy of Wrestling Arts & Sciences (whoever the fuck they are), ranks the Bottom 25 Superstars inside the wrestling world each week with the SOUR 25. The rankings are based on ridiculousness, stupidity, push (or lack thereof), as well as whether or not Canadian Bacon owns a piece of their merchandise. Be sure to check back every Sunday for the latest SOUR 25. 

Sean Carless' Note: Normally, our friend TolerancE can be seen here each week penning the "prestigious" TWF Sour 25; However, Tol's currently busy putting together his new Radio station, and running his own site right here, so, in the meantime, TWF staff and I will take turns putting this thing together until he makes his grand return. So, with that said, it's my turn this week, so let's get to the tastelessness~!

SOUR 25 LEGEND

          Rise In Rankings        Fall In Rankings           No Change

 

This Week   Movement   Superstar   Last Week
               
1.  

  K-FED:

Literally a couple days after costing John Cena "The Champion of Champions" and in turn challenging him to a match to determine the "Wigger of Wiggers", Kevin Federline got word that Britney Spears, after shitting out two of his kids, got fed up (HIYO) and wanted nothing more to do with K-Fed.  The two are now headed for divorce, and allegedly, it all stems from Britney laughing at Federline's appearance on RAW. "You got your ass kicked by a guy who does a fucking fire man's carry!" she said. Ok, she never said that. But I like my version better.o:p>

 

Anyway, this is good news for WWE, who'll get a heaping of publicity out of their involvement, but not so good for K-Fed, who now has to go out into the world and make his living off his own umm, talent (besides repeatedly impregnating white trash.)

 

   NA
2.

VINCE RUSSO:

All of a sudden David Arquette as champion seems like a great idea. Russo is back, and he's booking TNA. You may have came to this conclusion anyway if your wont to notice the "little things" like "psychology", "logic" and, umm, "complete and utter believability".

But it's not Vinnie Ru's fault. Apparently Russo "came back" to TNA because GOD TOLD HIM TO. Seriously. Russo claims he got a message from the Almighty to come and write some really shitty TV. Huh. Apparently silly "non-issues" like disease and war will have to wait, because the Lord would rather see the X-Division title change hands more times than Paris Hilton's vagina.

 

The only theory I can come up with for the Creator wanting Russo back in TNA, is because he's tired of waiting for Armageddon to finally get here, and figures letting Russo write TV again might speed up the process. I know after watching a few reverse battle royals and matches with Tupperware containers filled with MYSTERIOUSNESS~! I'd be willing to embrace the ol' pale horse and go into the light. Thanks, Vince! I'll help you mortar the new Jerusalem when we get to eternity.

 NA
3.

RODDY PIPER:


Just when you thought no one could make Ric Flair look chiseled, I raise you one Roddy Piper. Last Sunday, the will of the people was heard, and that "will" was to see Piper doff his shirt, and expose a body that looks to have been pregnant since he smashed a coconut on Snuka's head. And add to that the fact that his skin tone was reminiscent of those subterranean creatures in the movie Time Machine, who have not seen sunlight in many a millennia, and that's the Hot Rod who showed up to "fight" (and obviously later eat...and eat) that night.

 

And the best part is, Piper is now one half the Tag team champions! Which means we'll see his pasty white bloated body for weeks to come. Shit man, get to a beach! Just make sure it's nowhere near the ocean though, because people might try to roll you back in.

 NA
4. ERIC BISCHOFF:

I wonder if when Eric Bischoff won the vote by a landslide, if he secretly cried on the inside anticipating what would be in store for him the next night on RAW. Apparently, no matter what, Vince cannot resist the urge to humiliate this guy for whatever reason. (Btw, stay tuned for Vince's *new* book, "Really Shitty Booking Creates Less Cash" in a book store near you!)		 NA
5.

BIG DICK JOHNSON:

Hey, nothing's funnier than a morbidly obese naked guy grinding his ass into another man! And by "nothing" I really mean "everything". But try telling WWE creative that. Then try telling your friends that they're wrong in their accusations that wrestling is homoerotic. Hell, even Kanyon is probably saying "man, that's gay."

 

Man, WWE isn't exactly helping our cause, are they?

NA
6.

THE MARINE:

Still plummeting faster than a fat girl off a cliff, Marine's the bomb. Literally. But it's not John Cena's fault, It's Vince's. You'd think that endless list of non-wrestling failures would convince him that outside of men play fighting in their underwear, Vincent Kennedy McMahon knows about as much about mainstream entertainment as a retard does an internal combustion engine. But hey, I'll do my part for the company and pick up The Marine when it comes out on DVD. And while I'm digging through the bin, I'll grab a copy of Caddyshack 2 and Black Dog starring Meat loaf. The best part is I'll still have change from my ten to buy a coke for the long drive home. Thanks, Vince!

 1
7.

LASHLEY:

From main-eventing against Booker T, to starting a feud with a guy (Tatanka) whose gimmick has been he can't win a match? Man, could it get any worse for Choc Lesnar here? Actually, it can. Turns out poor Bobby wants off of Smackdown (for ECW apparently) because he feels like he's being buried by new SD head writer Michael "I used to wear a confederate flag on my tights so that may be a bit off a tip off" Hayes. But so far, nothing doing. Although, it could just be because no one can hear him talking. Put some bass in that voice, mister! (Imagine what he'd sound like off the cycle! I picture Mike Tyson after someone ripped his balls off ala Bruce Willis in st1:place w:st="on">Sin City.)

 NA
8.

JAKE ROBERTS:
Jake The Snake doesn't believe in being a referee! He's a guide~!... and where he'll "guide" you to is the very best alleys anywhere in the country to score some crank! All kidding aside (Ok, not really), the last two times we saw Jake on TNA TV, he looked terrible; panting, snorting, and sweating worse than a girl guide trying to sell cookies in Jerry Lawler's neighborhood. Apparently, he suggested several angles including "being a mentor on the evils of drugs" to the wrestlers. Holy shit. That'd be like Viscera insisting that you eat healthy. The 2nd rejected storyline apparently involved him being revealed as Abyss's "father". Ok, this would explain why Abyss wears a mask. You would too if your dad looked like David Crosby hot-boxed in a sauna. Just saying.
 NA
9.

TULLY BLANCHARD: 


The former member of the Four Horsemen (Pestilence?) lasted like one day on the WWE creative team thanks to an alleged berating by JBL. Which just goes to show you, just because Bradshaw didn't soap your ass first, doesn't mean there isn't other ways he can fuck you.		 NA
10.


 

ROB VAN DAM:

 

Despite all logic pointing to it, unless there's a swerve, RVD won't be getting the ECW title ANY TIME soon. At least as long as Vince has his way.

Apparently, Vince is still sore over that whole "drug bust" featuring ECW's "HIGHlanders" Rob & Sabu last Summer, whilst Rob held both championships (apparently goose stepping in Germany is OK, but smoking a bowl isn't). And as a result, rumors are now circulating that TEST may actually win the Title now! Dear God. If that's not your Anti-drug right there, I don't know what is.

 NA
11.

REBECCA DIPIETRO:


Rebecca is best known as the current real-life receptacle for The Animal Batista's loving (bestiality~!) and arguably the worst interviewer in pro wrestling history on ECW. Her performance is supposed to be "sultry", but unfortunately it actually toggles between "Quasi-retarded" and slightly constipated. The last of which is the look on your face as you squeeze out that last nugget into the bowl. But hey, she does have real titties, I'll give you that. That's about as rare in WWE as an albino black guy.  		NA
12.

PSICOSIS:

The star of GTA: Mexicool apparently finally got his official release, as seen below:

 

"WWE wishes Psicosis well in all future endeavors. Except endeavors that include stealing cars and running over pregnant women. Holy shit, what were you thinking?! Other than that though, good luck and everything. Ya."

 

I may just be paraphrasing a little bit here ;)

 15
13.

TATANKA:

Wrestling's version of that fucking team that always "plays" against the Harlem Globetrotters, Tatanka, is back to gain some revenge in the name of his forefathers! (Wait, He's got four fathers? What a whore his mother must have been!!!!!1111 [/Canadian Bacon]

 NA
14.

2 COLD SCORPIO:

Looks like MVP might have some competition in the stupidest bodysuit ever contest (well, until Giant Gonzalez gets back in the game), because the recently re-signed Scorpio will be returning to WWE under his original WWF moniker "Flash Funk". Oh my.

Apparently, despite how famous you were ANYWHERE else, you just have to be known under the shitty name WWE saddled you with during your first FAILED WWE stint. Just ask Terry Taylor. Or Steve Keirn, who just last year was openly referred to amongst a group of WWE legends in the ring as "WWE legend, Skinner". I can just picture the awkward conversation with Vince afterwards...

 

Steve Keirn: "Hey, about this Skinner business; I kinda did some important stuff in Florida in the 80's. Ever heard of the Fabulous Ones?"

 

Vince: "Shut up, Skinner."

 NA
15. BROOKE HOGAN:

Just like her famous father, Hulk, Brooke doesn't sell shit. Only in this case, what she's "not selling" is records, and not the plodding offense of talentless hosses. Clearly, Brooke needs to put the mic down, and EMBRACE HER DESTINY AS A HOGAN, and scoop up and slam the first fat person she sees. Her path to the darkside will then be complete.		 NA
16.

THE JAMES GANG:

The Old New Age Outlaws have DECLARED WAR on DX! And that's a shoot! Well, if "shooting" was really "working" and this angle was terrible, which it kinda is? I don't know. All we do know is that claiming that HBK & Hunter held you back is like Clint Howard blaming brother Ron for him not reaching his full potential. But hey, "go to war" with DX all you want guys. Only not literally. Last time I checked, you couldn't openly refer to yourself as Mr. Ass in the military. At least not verbally.

 NA
17.

RHINO:

 

Poor Rhino. Things just haven't been the same since he set the ECW Title on fire on iMPACT!. And I don't know about you, but whenever I'm angry with a former employer, I also tend to destroy everything of value I ever got from working there. Yeah.

 Anyway, despite being awesome, Rhino makes the list here based on his booking. I mean, isn't the babyface supposed to WIN A MATCH against his arch-rival, at least once? Hell, even Tommy Dreamer is probably shaking his head at this guy. At this point, the only thing worse that could happen to The Man-Beast is if Christian taunted him by wearing a flower pot with suspenders like the hobos did in the old 1940's cartoons with barrels.

 NA
18.

TAZZ:


Not for nuthin' but Tazz sure say Not for nuthin' a lot. And according to him, tonight's show may or may not be either off the hook, or off the chain. It's so good in fact, he can't decide which it's indeed off of. Hell, throw in "Rocketbusta" into the equation and you've pretty much exhausted Tazz's full commentary range these days.

 

The sad thing is, at one time, Tazz was considered a pretty damn good color man, who was self deprecating at times, but always explained the psychology of the match. Now adays, he's become the world's most irritating fucking Teddy Ruxpin, spewing the same ad nauseam catch phrases week in and week out, and seldom ever making any sense. The scary thing is, there's a good chance that Micheal Cole may have been carrying him all these years! Roll that around in your mouth for a sec and see how it tastes. Scary, isn't it? Now, hopefully, Tazz will get his A-game back, making this his last appearance on this list, because if not, I just might have to choke my own ass out. Just to end the pain. Not for nuthin'.

 NA
19. BILLY KIDMAN:

Just for the record, we here at TWF love Billy Kidman. Of all the guys who inadvertently crush people repeatedly with a move that is supposed to be your finisher and as a result pretty much ends all top rope maneuvers for everybody, Billy is clearly our favorite.  However, Mr. Kidman keeps a spot on the auspicious Sour25  for dropping about 125 lbs....

 

News recently came down the wire that Torrie Wilson has filed for divorce from husband Billy Kidman. Poor guy. First WWE takes away your pants, then your shirt, then your job, and now your woman. Hell, you were probably the only guy on WWE TV she didn't have a relationship with! And you were married to her! Man. Times are tough. But there's other fish in the sea! Although, in my experience, unless you're from the deep south, chicks don't tend to dig a guy who only wears wifebeaters and is constantly picking and itching himself. But you never know! Keep your head up! (And your knees tucked for fuck sakes).

 

 17
20. CARLITO:

This may be a controversial choice because Carlito is very popular now, but as a wrestler, he seems to be degenerating at a geometric rate. Hell, since turning babyface, this guy has all but transformed into a glorified backyard wrestler, and often blows more spots than a prostitute in a nursing home. It's as if Carlito stepped into that machine in Superman 2 that drains you of your powers. Only instead of allowing you to have a mortal relationship with Lois Lane, you just get the spontaneous urge to do five nonsensical lion-saults in a row. Wait. What were we talking about again? Oh ya, Carlito.  For case and point, I submit Exhibit A: his match with Jeff Hardy at Cyber Sunday. Watching these two go at it was like watching two mongoloids play chess. And I assure you, it wasn't Jeffrey's fault this time.		 NA
21. STING:

On the night of the biggest match of your life, you forget the one thing that makes you Sting, white face paint? Jesus (no pun intended), how is that even possible? That's like Batman leaving the cave without his cowl, or me going on a date without rope and GHB. Wait. Ignore that last part. Anyway, if not for the kindness of an ICP fan who generously supplied some replacement paint (and who says painting your face like an idiot well into adulthood never got you anywhere?) we may have never seen Sting end Jarrett's title reign! Ok, he would. He'd have just have done it as some random  48 year old dude though. Whatever.		 NA
22. TEDDY LONG:

The character, not the man. But rather than explaining it, I'll allow our very own James Walker to do the honors:

 

"Teddy's character is one that can't get the job done. Seriously - he takes all the Raw Rejects (Hardy, Kane), and loses all the talent (Carlito, Angle, Cena). On top of it, they've kayfabed this damned "New Talent Initiative", where-in, he gets a load of no-names (Lashley, Kennedy, Stevens, James, MVP, Yang, etc), and then throws them out there to hopefully make a name for themselves. Plus, the MVP shit? Dude is "the hottest free agent"... and not talked about anywhere else? I realize that it's all kayfabed, but christ, has there ever been an authority figure with less credibility?"

 

There you go. But man, the brother can dance. Holla.

 NA
23. VITO:

Cue the eye bleach! WWE recently revealed that VITO of all people would be “doffing his dress” for Playgirl magazine. And for those of you out there who’ve always secretly wondered what a fucking Ork from Lord of the Rings looks like naked, you just may finally get your wish!

 

Anyway, WWE made this announcement on their website, but it’s since been removed entirely, leading us to question its validity. (but, hey, how could that be! WWE is your number one source for journalistic integrity! And of course obituaries for not-really-dead-wrestlers.).

 

Regardless though, WWE has yet to figure out that Playgirl magazine isn’t even really read by women, but rather dudes who think mango is a color. From my experience, women don’t always get as excited at the sight of nudity as us fellers. And I should know, I’m constantly leaping from the bushes nude, and instead of “awe” and "wonderment" I usually get a combination of pepper spray and/or tasered. They just don’t understand I’m doing this for THEM. Tough World.

 

But hey, I doubt the gays want Vito either. Turns out there’s just not a huge calling for naked dudes who look like fucking Nosferatu these days on either side of the fence. Go figure.

NA
24. VINCE MCMAHON:

When business is down domestically, and you get word that international markets could potentially follow suit, it's always best to "solve the problem" by squeezing more money out of the viewers you do have and add MORE ppvs to your already oversaturated line-up, right? *Ahem*. Well, that's exactly what Vince is doing in 2007. Hell, come November 2007, there's potentially 3 pay-per-views in ONE fucking month! Maybe Vince should have assumed the Kevin Thorn character instead of Kevin Fertig. After all, he's not going to stop until he sucks us all dry.		 NA
25. RON SIMMONS:

Hear that sound? That's the sound of "funny" moving out and being replaced by his first cousin "tedious". And while "Damn" was very funny the first time, much like "What" before it, WWE has started to beat a dead horse here.... and then revive it with CPR so they can kill it, and beat it all over again. DAMN.
 
NA 

 

 

Hey~! Guess who "sold out" and got a My Space page? EL OH EL! LEZ BE FRIENDS!
 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).