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The Wrestling Fan dot com, in conjunction with The Academy of Wrestling Arts & Sciences (whoever the fuck they are), ranks the Bottom 25 Superstars inside the wrestling world each week with the SOUR 25. The rankings are based on ridiculousness, stupidity, push (or lack thereof), as well as whether or not Canadian Bacon owns a piece of their merchandise. Be sure to check back every Sunday for the latest SOUR 25.  

Editor's Note: Originally created by our friend TolerancE, the "prestigious" TWF Sour 25 has become a popular staple here at TWF for its absurdity, cruelty and out and out ridiculousness.  That said, this month is my turn, so brace yourself for some complete and total stupidity. And just so you know, there was at least one idea I blatantly stole for an entry here because the concept struck me so hilarious. So ya, you know who you are. Onto the Sour 25~!

 

 

SOUR 25 LEGEND

          Rise In Rankings        Fall In Rankings          No Change

 

This Week   Movement   Superstar   Last Week
               
1.  

  [image] JOHN CENA:

This month's top honor goes to Mr. Cena jr., John Cena, who unfortunately as we speak is being nursed back to health in his Fortress of Solitude in Tampa Florida by his nameless father. And as much as we rag on John for his countless against-all odds wins, likely due to drawing his power from the yellow sun of the earth, not to mention the green of fat children everywhere who just gots to own them an inflatable pair of knux and a spinning hub-cap on a strap specifically designed to hypnotize bewildered parents into buying more shit that'll get their precious little snowflakes stuffed into lockers, there just seems to be a noticeable hole in the roster right now.
 
Perhaps like the annoying "Co-Stanza!" jingle of George's from Seinfeld, John and his presence have been permanently burned into our consciousness and we just can't shake him? Or maybe I watch too much Seinfeld and always feel the need to make silly analogies with its content? Maybe.
 
That said, the lack of Cena just may be the DOOMSDAY (HIYO) for WWE in Super Cena's absence, as ratings have already plummeted to a 10 year low. The plan as I understand it, to remedy this situation is for WWE to introduce 4 new Super Cena's until John is ready to get back. Lashley will be repackaged as Steel Cena. HHH as the "Man of Tomorrow, and the next day, and pretty much forever, so get fucking used to it", Cody Rhodes as the Massachusetts Kid; and a soon to be revealed star as The Last Son of West Newbury. It should be awesome. 4 times the odds to overcome. Four times the useless shit to sell. It's free thinking like this that keeps WWE #1 in all of Sports Entertainment! Well, that, and the fact that TNA insists on keeping Vince Russo on the booking committee.

 O:P>

   NA
2.

KURT ANGLE:

Who knew that the fourth "I' was DUI? Well, in case you haven't heard, our Olympic hero was recently pulled over for reckless impaired driving and was then allegedly said to have been found with a mouth full of pills. Seriously. And I don't know about you, but that sounds like the best fucking Pez Dispenser I've ever seen. TNA seriously needs to get on manufacturing that merchandise RIGHT NOW.
 
All I know is, this isn't exactly the best publicity for TNA right now. But at least in their defense, it's not like they put a championship on a disgraced criminal who threw money at strippers trying to kill each other. Oh. But all kidding aside, but umm, not really, how awkward would it be to actually arrest Kurt Angle? And good luck ever getting cuffs on him. Every time the cop tried to get Kurt's hands behind his back, he'd transition out and go back to the legs. And once he hit that heel hook, well, it's all over for the boys in blue, I'm telling you. The guy won a gold medal with a BROKEN FREAKIN' NECK. Pepper spray and tasers would have like ZERO effect on this guy. And not just because he lost all feeling in 95% of his torso years ago. Not even. 
 
Visuals this awesome HAVE to be true. *Ahem*.
 11
3.

[image]

MR. KENNEDY:


It's starting to really appear that Mr. Kennedy is indeed cursed. I blame the surname myself. No good has EVER came from having that last name. I mean just look at this laundry list of tragedy: John F.: ASSASSNINATED. Bobby: ASSASSINATED. Teddy: DISGRACED. John Jr.: PLANE CRASH. Jamie: Made 'The Mask 2'. What more proof do you need? Have you seen The Mask 2? It was HORRIBLE. So I think my point stands. Somewhere. Maybe.
 
That said, just look at the sheer amount of calamity (CALAMITY!) surrounding Mr. Kennedy. Think about it. 2 days before he's going to cash in his MITB and become Champion on SD, he gets injured. Then it turns out he really wasn't injured that bad; just bad enough for WWE to panic and change the booking plans. Then, he returns, and is outspoken against media criticizing steroids, saying TIMES HAD CHANGED, only to end up on Signature's steroid client list...and as a result gets SUSPENDED and loses the "bastard son" angle and subsequent super-push/Title reign going into Wrestlemania 24. Then, he wrestles Cena, and Cena, after not being injured his entire WWE career, ends up hurt. Plus, who was Eddie Guerrero's last match against again? Coincidence? I think so! [/bacon]
 
I think this is the real reason why no one ever really seems to feud with Kennedy. Who'd want to? He's like a walking version of fucking Final Destination. DEATH has a Plan for us all!..........ALL!
 1
4. [image] HORNSWOGGLE:

Oh, that midget hijnx. Do the laughs ever stop  start?
 
But hey, at least the whole ordeal has taught us quite a few valuable things. Like, you can sue for custody of a grown man or put him up for adoption. And even better, you can sue for paternity, and refuse to ever reveal your identity. Ya, this is how Law works. Lawyer: "You've been served with a summons". Defendant: "By whom?" Lawyer: "I can't tell you. What I can tell you is they love to play hide and seek and Hopscotch!". Defendant: "Go fuck yourself..."  
 
Sounds about right.
 NA
5. [image]

HHH:

It's good to be King. And speaking of which, much like Jesus' Holy Grail, if you drink from this King Of King's water bottle, does it grant you eternal life...and the patience to pin everyone and everything for the full gamut of continued existence? Suckas gots to know. But seriously, the comparisons between HHH and our Lord and Savior are there. They both have beautiful flowing hair and awesome beards. They both are like totally in great with the "Father". Both pulled out some impressive miracles in their time. (Although, I think making Kevin Nash look good in a Hell in a Cell slightly outranks turning fish into more fish). And  both organized a group of rag tag losers no one else really wanted to have anything to do with prior ( The Disciples and X-Pac, Billy Gunn & Road Dogg respectively.).
 
The only real difference I can see is that Triple H would have pulled himself down off the cross, turned a loaf of bread into Sledgy and laid out the Guarding Centurions with thunderous Pedigrees, and then destroyed that Good Samaritan just for daring to try and help him earlier. Tell me I'm wrong.
 8
6.

TEDDY LONG:
You'd think that after every single WWE wedding ended in some sort of tragedy, that all these wrestlers would learn to just take that shit to a church. NOTHING GOOD EVER CAME FROM GETTING MARRIED IN A RING. Except maybe Lita's dress in 2005.
 
Turns out though, at least according to WWE.com, the reason for Long's "heart attack" was ingestion of Viagra. Yes, Viagra. And here I thought the only swollen dick to cause any sort of damage in WWE was Triple H. And yes, there's a good chance I just wanted to use that line.
 
Poor Teddy. If I had the prospect of bedding Krystal later that night, I wouldn't need any fucking Viagra, I'm telling you. The East German Olympic team could use the erection I'd have as a high diving board. But to think,  all this could have been avoided had Teddy just used The Undertaker as a stand-in. I mean, why not? The guy always ends up carting Taker out for whatever fucking whim he has anyway, so why not? Of course, maybe I'm just suggesting this because I want to hear the Minister say 'do you take this Deadman to be your lawfully wedded husband?'. I amuse easily. What can I say.
 NA
7.

ASHLEY:

Well, it looks like Ashley will be returning to WWE soon, and no doubt having to have the various limbs that spontaneously explode from all angles from her body duct-taped back on, because she was officially voted off Survivor China. During Week 1, she was ill the first day and angered her tribe-mates by being completely useless. Huh, good to see that she doesn't limit her big floppy clown shoes to just wrestling.
 
That said, the most interesting development is her claim that as a wrestler, she would jump 20 FEET off the top rope EVERY NIGHT, and thus, she'd have the edge in the competition. 20 feet? Man, those wrestling rings must look a lot smaller on TV. I had no idea those rings were 100 feet high. The way she'd fall gingerly through the middle and bottom ropes all 20 feet to the floor that was covered in spikes and filled with crocodiles no doubt took its toll on her body. I commend her bravery.
 
But seriously, why must everything in wrestling be so exaggerated? The ladders are all 15-20 feet high, despite most wrestlers appearing taller than them. The ringsteps weigh in excess of 200 pounds, yet skinny-assed ring crew dudes seem to handle them all by themselves before and after shows. And guys are always announced 3 inches taller and weigh 30 pounds more than they really are.Although, perhaps Ashley's extreme hyperbole could have its uses. The one benefit I can see by dating Ashley, is that it wouldn't matter if you had a small penis. She'd just tell everyone it was ten inches. You can't lose. Well, actually you can. She'd probably still slip off in mid-coital and blow both knees out, and thus be on the shelf for 6 months, but that's beside the point.

NA
8.

TNA CREATIVE:
 
Hey, as much as I'd love to expound on why building the Angle/Sting "dream match" around a creepy quasi-pedophilic Kurt Angle stocking Sting's teenaged son at a football game is a terrible way to promote your main event; or give my venomous two cents on pro-wrestling's only non-wrestling wrestling champion, Pacman Jones; or hell, give a number of reasons why bringing back the single worst concept in wrestling history since Verne Gagne hung a fucking turkey on a pole, The REVERSE BATTLE ROYAL is just about the stupidest use of talent I can think of; but umm, why do all that, when you can just give them EVEN more terrible ideas? EXACTLY. I mean, why not? You can't hit any lower than rock bottom, baby. And lord knows they're already there.
 
That said, here's some *really awesome* reverse match concepts straight from your good friend, Sean Carless!
 
-The Reverse First Blood match! The first man to have his blood flow back inside his skull loses!
-The reverse "I Quit" match. This one can only end after one of the two competitors stops submitting.
- The reverse Royal Rumble! All 30 men start in the ring. Every 2 minutes, a superstar will leave the ring and go backstage never to be seen again. The last man remaining, after all 29 have left will be declared the winner.
-The First Man Standing match! Both men start flat on their backs. The first man to reach his feet for more than 10 seconds loses.
- The Softcore match! Wrestlers compete while placing a myriad of weapons safely back under the ring so no one gets hurt.
-Reverse Tables match! The first team to completely reassemble a broken table before their opponents WIN!
-The Falls Count Nowhere Match! That's right. Falls don't count anywhere. The Ref will just shrug his shoulders when wrestlers go for covers.
 
They're all yours, Vince. Consider it a gift!
 NA
9.

GANGREL: 

Just in case you haven't heard, former WWE star Gangrel is getting involved in Pornos! Seriously. But before you ask, no, Gangrel himself won't be umm, impaling any of the ladies himself; but will instead just be DIRECTING the features. Although, I'm not sure how good of an idea this is either.  I mean, I don't know about you, but is having a dude who needs plasma just to SURVIVE hovering around ANYTHING blood gorged really the best idea? It could only end in tragedy. But on the other hand, it would have its benefits. With all the STDs going around in porn, what better way to make sure your performers stay alive and healthy then to make them NOSFERATU? It's brilliant!
 NA
10.


 

VITO:

 
Recently, I received an email from former WWE star Vito stating he was available for booking for the TWF organization. Yes, he mistook our website for a wrestling promotion. And even though I'm sure this is an honest mistake, I am seriously considering taking the man up on his offer.  I am really thinking of paying his fees and flying him to Ontario and like fucking hanging out with the dude at the mall or some shit, with both of us wearing dresses, and filming the whole ordeal. It'd be fucking classic comedy. Hell, I might even start a worked brawl. Tell me I shouldn't do it. Try and convince me this is not the greatest idea EVER.
 NA
11.

TONY ATLAS:

Apparently there was an altercation between WWE Hall of Famer Tony Atlas and ECW Champion, CM Punk down in OVW recently. It seems that WWE sent Atlas to Lousiville to "mentor" the WWE developmental performers, although a simple "Be the complete opposite of me" would have saved some fucking time. Anyway, from there, Atlas, stating he was part of the "Office", allegedly ridiculed Punk on his wrist tape, stating it looked like he had two broken arms, and then busted everyone's balls later, looking at Punk the whole time. From there, Punk spoke up for himself, only to be told by Atlas that "he'd never get called up to TV with that attitude". Punk then stated "Do you even watch our show? Do you even know who I am?" to which Atlas responded "no". I can see that. I mean, the dude's been practically homeless for the last 15 years, so I doubt he's ordering up fucking Sci-Fi channel when he could, I don't know, but a new liner of newspapers for his cardboard box or actually eat. Call me crazy.
 
However, on a related note, of all the people to EVALUATE WRESTLERS ON TALENT they send Saba Simba? That'd be like having Jake Roberts handle the fucking Wellness Policy. Just saying. What's next? Sending Kamala down there to teach promos?
 NA
12.

[image]

RIC FLAIR:

 
What a strange couple of months it's been for Naitch. First, he allegedly walked out of WWE (no doubt stopping every 5 steps, to briefly slick the sides of his hair back and Woo), but he also started his own Finance company, Ric Flair Finance! And I don't know about you, but when I'm in a tight financial bind and require a loan to get me back on my feet, who better to throw my business behind than a guy who allegedly owed hundreds of thousands in back taxes and almost claimed bankruptcy last year? Umm, anybody?
 
But that's not all. Apparently, there's a car dealership that is illegally using Naitch's persona in their car ads! And once again, I ask, based on his driving issues a couple of years ago, is building your advertising campaign around a dude whose main connection to cars is because he once pulled someone from their vehicle and beat the shit out of them, really the best strategy?  I mean, Fucking Lord Humongous from Mad Max was a gentler hand on the highway's than this guy. Just saying.
 
But that doesn't mean that a car dealership built around Ric Flair wouldn't rule. First, it'd be funny to see a new Salesman hired, brought into the exclusive group of salesman, than tragically betrayed. He'd then be re-inducted every few years and subsequently betrayed again. It'd be awesome.  And who wouldn't mark for a salesman who pitched another salesman off the roof of a car in the display lot? Or mule kicked someone while they filled out the Credit check? That's quality service right there. Woooo!
 17
13.

CANDACE MICHELLE'S THEME MUSIC:

Dear God I hate Candice's new theme music. So I'm nominating it on principle. Every time she comes out to that techno bullshit, I keep picturing a bunch of electro-nubbin covered dudes in potato sacks fucking rave dancing in the underground Zion. Morpheus is NOT impressed.

 NA
14.

BRUNO SAMMARTINO:
So, apparently the Living Legend Bruno Sammartino received the letter from WWE that Vince sent out where Mr. McMahon stated that any former WWF contracted star past or present could be eligible for company financed drug rehab. And well, Bruno, whose been drug free his whole life, bar probably Metamucil if only for continence, HIT THE ROOF. He was so angry he went out and bear hugged the first person he saw and held it for upwards of 15 minutes straight, expending little energy and making no movements,  because damn it, that's how its supposed to be done! Ahem.
 
Anyway, Bruno was said to be SO incensed that he threatened to have a press conference. Ya, that'd be a real barnburner...
 
Bruno: "I never did drugs!"
Reporters: "Umm, ok."  
Bruno: "Umm, that's pretty much it. "
Reporters: "D'oh!"  
 
That said, I think good ole Bruno might be the only elderly person on the fucking earth to turn down Free anything. I mean, you're talking about a group of people who demand a DISCOUNT for a fifty cent coffee. So hats (derby's?) off to him.
 
 NA
15. MARCUS COR VON:

Just in case you didn't hear, Marcus Cor Von is Marcus Cor Gone. He was quietly released from WWE several weeks ago after taking a leave of absense to allegedly raise his sister's children. That's awesome. And dare I say, perhaps even sitcom worthy!
 
New Alpha Male in the neighborhood
Lives downstairs and it is understood
He’s there just to take good care of me,
Like he’s one of the family.
 
Cor Von in Charge
Of our days and our nights
Cor Von in Charge
Of our wrongs and our rights
 
And I sing, I bounce
I try and avoid the Pounce
 
Cor Von in Charge
Of our days and our nights
Cor Von  in Charge
Of our wrongs and our rights
Period.
 NA
16.

BIG DADDY V:

Hey, if you had told me that every Tuesday I could expect to see 3 pairs of exposed breasts on ECW, I'd have said, "about time they did something useful with Extreme Expose" and then immediately flipped over. But dear lord, what a horrifying surprise I would be in for. No disrespect to Big Daddy V, but it's just that I prefer my wrestlers to not look like someone left a giant milk dud on the Radiator. Just saying.

 NA
17.

HULK HOGAN:

 

So, get this, The stark ravin' Hulkster has just been selected to host a renewed American Gladiators! And I guess we can say it's only a matter of time before he himself instinctually scoops up the heaviest competitor during that joist with the giant fucking Q-tips and slams him to the crash pad, before utilizing his contract clause to declare himself the first Champion. I mean, it just makes sense. He already ran one Nitro into the ground. Why not another?...

NA
18.

ELIJAH BURKE:


Elijah Burke was originally supposed to be ranked at 8, but he took a wrong turn and ended up at 18. Oh well.
 NA
19. ECW CYBER SUNDAY POLL:
So, ya, WWE has just unveiled *your* choices to vote for CM Punk's opponent at Cyber Sunday! And those totally fan friendly choices? Miz(?!), Viscera and John Morrison!  Oh man, am I glad Vince *FINALLY* gave me the power to choose from no one I'd ever pick in my entire life for anything. These choices are a lot like asking "Which fate would you rather end up with?":
 
A) Have your manhood removed with a rusty claw hammer.
B) Nail embedded 2x4 shoved up the ass.
C) Kicked in the balls.
 
Of course you're gonna go with C) because it's the least painful. As it is in this case.
 
Seriously though, how hard would it be to just throw Tommy Dreamer on this poll? Or even Elijah Burke? What is the incentive to even vote here? I'm starting to think this whole Cyber Sunday business is all but a clever way to sell pay-per-views whilst not losing a single shred of control through pre-picked options they approve of. But that couldn't be. That'd just be silly. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WWE! SOMETIMES! NOT REALLY!

 

 NA
20. SHANE DOUGLAS:

So, recently Shane Douglas posted an angry blog on his website where he debunked the myth that he was released from TNA for drug use, stating he's clean, sober and only left wrestling because he's too busy WORKING AT TARGET. Holy shit, how is it that Target always gets former ECW Champions on their payroll? And how Douglas thought working for minimum wage at fucking Target was LESS humiliating than falling off the wagon is beyond me. But that said, how awesome would it be to see The Franchise working at Target? I can just picture him over the store intercom yelling "CUT THE  MUZAC!". God bless, Shane. He can sell lawn furniture, work the till and stock shelves. He's a real Triple-threat. Ahem.
 NA
21. BATISTA:
So, let me get this straight. Batista is now saying that Great Khali has had "enough title shots?" BATISTA IS SAYING THIS?
 NA
22.

HBK's "NEW LOOK":
I'm not going to lie. HBK's reemergence on Monday night shocked me, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't mark out. A) for the sheer surprise of the moment, and b) for the fact that he appeared to have rolled Skinner for his gear.  And I can only assume, in turn, that this meant that somewhere in the Everglades right now is Steve Keirn, who was in turn wearing HBK's heavy steel chaps and vest, is subsequently drowned at the bottom of the bog.
 
With that in mind, I can only hope... no pray, that HBK keeps this new look. Skinner Michaels has so many possibilities. Theme Music especially!: 
 
Oh, Oh, Oh, Shawn!
 
He thinks he's Keirn!
He knows he's Skinner!
 
He's got a new plaid look
And his hairline's gettin thinner!...
 
That said, under the guise of HBKeirn, at least he can in turn embrace his new skinning persona and go after Hogan for revenge for Summer Slam 2005... and end up with a pretty nifty orange leather jacket out of the deal. And the best part? HBK wouldn't even have to tan the hide first! That shit is ready made! (in America, bruther).
 NA 
23.
TEDDY HART:
So, ya, Teddy Hart just got fired, in essence fucking up the big new Hart Foundation call up that was scheduled in a few weeks. I don't know what went wrong. Maybe Tony Atlas told him the "Office" doesn't care for fucking MC Hammer Genie balloon pants? I'm goin' with that.
.
NA
 
24.
 
 KEVIN THORN:
Congratulations go out to Kevin Thorn, who is a new father! Which I guess unfortunately means that he'll now have to curtail his nightly trips to the Bite Club, as raising a child, especially one that can disperse its body into 10,000 rats or fly around the nursery, will be a real handful, and thus will likely take up most of his time.
 
But man, can you imagine a vampire birth? How awkward would that be? I mean, I guess one good thing would be that if Mrs. Thorn had a C-Section, no stitches would even be required, as the wound would just seal itself over. The downside? Well, probably seeing Kevin drinking the afterbirth. That shit'll scar anybody.
 
So, once again, congrats Kevin! And you might want to avoid the baby's baptism. It can only end badly for you. Trust me.
 NA
25.
RANDY ORTON:
Congratulations are also in order for Randy Orton. He's not only the new WWE Champion, but also a Newlywed! It's true. The Legend Killer sealed the deal on marriage a couple of weeks ago in a ceremony I can only assume ended in the bride tossing a turd-filled bouquet over her shoulder as all the woman in the room ran for their lives, before the happy couple exited the church in a limo with 6 gym bags tied together off the bumper.
 
But I suggest the Honeymoon might have been a tad more awkward. First, because, as I've heard, Randy has a tendency to instinctually apply a chinlock while spooning after lovemaking. And secondly? Well, can you imagine spending a whole WEEK in a HOTEL with Randy Orton? I'd think after the 5th of 6th RKO to the ice-filled wine bucket, Mrs. Orton called it a night, and sent Randy's ass back to Stamford. Can't say I blame her.
 
This entry may have just been a cheap way to make a bunch of really dumb jokes. Oh well.
NA 

 

 
Hey~! While you're here (if in fact you didn't leave all disgusted), why don't you check out TWF's *Official* MYSPACE Page? LOL LEZ BE FRIENDS~!
 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).