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The Wrestling Fan dot com, in conjunction with The Academy of Wrestling Arts & Sciences (whoever the fuck they are), ranks the Bottom 25 Superstars inside the wrestling world each week with the SOUR 25. The rankings are based on ridiculousness, stupidity, push (or lack thereof), as well as whether or not Canadian Bacon owns a piece of their merchandise. Be sure to check back every Sunday for the latest SOUR 25.  

Editor's Note: Originally created by our friend TolerancE, the "prestigious" TWF Sour 25 has become a popular staple here at TWF for its absurdity, cruelty and out and out ridiculousness.  That said, this month's edition is being penned by former full-time Staff Writer Martin Ferguson, who's opted to take the reins of this beast for this month, and not just because the rest of the TWF Staff is far too lazy. Not even. With that in mind though, as always, the rankings in each edition of the Sour25 reflect the opinions of that particular writer, so send love, hate and/or bomb threats accordingly! Onto the rankings~!




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  [image] MR. KENNEDY:

There's nothing quite like the love a father has for his bastard child.

Let me catch you up to speed: the word going around is that it's going to be revealed that the Genetic Jammer at some point in time was too late in pulling out of Mmmmissssesss KEN-A-DAY. I get two visuals from this, each fighting for supremacy. One's Darth McMahon and Mr. Skywalker Skywalker, the other's Kennedy sitting on Vince's lap asking for a bedtime story. Either's equally appalling.

Naturally, Vince plans to do all of the things with Kennedy that he did with his own children-- disappear from the house for long periods of time for business, beat him with a lead pipe on PPV, and whore him out to Randy Savage. In other news, Triple-H was recently seen sharpening a knife in a back alley in Green Bay.




The Booking of the X-Division:

From bad to worse, things have gone. The current plan is for the X-Division to be phased out, with the title possibly being completely eliminated after Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle's best of infinity series wraps up. This just makes me sick to my stomach, since the X-Division was at one time the best thing TNA had going for it. Besides that, where else will we get any *hilarity* of seeing Sonjay Dutt playing Gandhi and Jay Lethal wanting to molest Ken Kennedy?




How the mighty have fallen. Lashley's on the shelf and will be out for most likely over a month, and when he returns all he has to look forward to is feuding with Mr. Kennedy in between Vince teaching him how to say something besides his name and potty-training him.

Then there's the fact that he's been making a ton of enemies in the back lately. You can see Deadface for details as to how, I'm moving on.
4. [image] MVP:

MVP needs to lay off the fried chicken. SmackDown's audition for being the setting of Final Destination 4 continues as at the Great American Bash it was discovered that one Montel Vontavious Porter has a life-threatening heart condition.

And the amazing thing is WWE still sent him out to compete at the Bash after discovering this. Between Border Patrol, the exploitation of Eddie Guerrero, the Vince limo explosion, Al Wilson, and this, could Vince show any less regard for human life? Of course he could! The current plan is for WWE.com to start featuring games, the first of which will be Big Daddy V in a takeoff of the AdultSwim.com game Orphan Feast. I made have made that up.
5. [image]


Poor, poor Joe. He's finally going to win the world title and take his place at the top of the card, and yet no one gives a shit at this point.

But what I really feel sorry for him about is the fact that since losing to Angle for the first time the guy's turned into a complete puss. He used to be an unstoppable badass, but now he has to have the Steiners (must have forgiven Scott for the whole "Trying to end his career" thing) bail his ass out after the rednecks from the Marine-- oh, wait, it's Team 3D, my mistake-- attacked him for seemingly no reason.

And he's stuck in this dead-end Angle family, erm, angle. Jumping to WWE and becoming Tufuga is looking pretty damn good, isn't it Joe?


6. [image]


This just in: Sid Justice apparently doubles as Jesus. In a recent interview he stated that he wants to make a comeback ("the biggest in sports history") and that the business needs him and he needs it. And you know what? I agree.

Put Sid in ECW and rechristen (since apparently ECW commentators are apparently unable to say "rename") him "Extreme Eudy". DO IT. Then give him a live mic every week for at least ten minutes at a time. Hell, he never even has to wrestle-- give this crazy bastard a microphone and watch the ratings shoot through the roof. As an added bonus on Stephanie's end, Paul Heyman will probably be found hanging from his Bowflex ceiling. Everybody wins! Except Paul Heyman.
7. [image]


In the midst of his huge, not-at-all one-sided feud with Cameron Burge, Scott Keith is working on his fifth book. The title? "Dungeon of Death: Chris Benoit & The Hart Family Curse".

Holy god, that title sucks. Whatever happened to the days when all Scott did was fill up a book with recaps of a year's worth of PPVs and cash in? Now he's off exploiting the fact that the Harts apparently at some point in time drove a car through a mirror store? And who is this 'Chris Benoit' person anyway?



Where to start... Trips is being advertised on all three shows nonstop despite the fact that he's only going to be on Raw? Trips is going to bury Booker yet again, even though it took Book over three years to recover from the last time? Trips has apparently turned into Steve Austin (not Stone Cold)? They're using the graphics engine from Smackdown 4 for that previous one? Trips has at some point or another had sex with both Chyna and Stephanie?

No. This has to do with his appearance on the cover of the latest issue of WWE Magazine. Triple-H, Contract Terminator. Okay, it'd be funnier if it was Johnny Ace. Still, wow, Triple-H can't seem to make up his fucking mind as to who he wants to imitate-- Terminator? The $6 Million Dollar Man? Ric Flair? He-Man? Jesus? Connan? Mel Gibson? Hitler? There's plenty of evidence for all of them (though listing both Mel Gibson and Hitler is a bit redundant).

9. [image]


King Booker said in a recent interview that had he been drafted to ECW, he would've retired. Wow, compared to what that other guy who was drafted to ECW did Booker would have been taking that very well. Though this is probably because there's no conceivable way to kill someone with the Scissors Kick.

Anyway, Booker's recently been in the news quite a bit. He's started his own indy fed for no one to care about, and he's stuck being buried by having to cheat to beat a 60-year-old man in a fight to boot. Not to mention the fact that at SummerSlam he will come before Jesus, and be smited with the power of Evolution. It was Intelligent Design all the time!





TNA has hired, erm, some football player. Best known for throwing money at strippers then beating the hell out of them when they try to pick it up, TNA's hope is that Jones can bring a bunch of viewers to one or two episodes of Impact and maybe get someone to buy one of their PPVs.

Well, Pacman, hope your wrestling career goes well, despite the fact in an interview you said your primary goal is to win the fucking tag titles. Given your penchant for gobbling balls, you'll probably get pretty far in the biz.



Oh god, you've heard it all enough. Well, at least he still has one of his three I's-- he is pretty damn intense.




Fresh off fourteen minutes and fifty-five seconds of fame, CM Punk gets his reward for winning in the form of a match with the guy he beat in the first place. Wow, that's one hell of a way to spend your last five seconds, fighting a guy you've already fought at least four times.

With his last five seconds coming to a close at SummerSlam, look for CM Punk in the next season of The Surreal Life. He'll be the one sitting on the couch twiddling his thumbs and uncomfortably looking left and right at his fellow has-been as they drink, have sex, and drink.



He showed you! You saw!




From the geniuses who brought you Trick My Truck comes quite possibly the greatest thing ever. I mean, come on, maybe either Fairplay or Vanilla Ice gets crippled during it.

Also, as seen in one of the commercials, at some point or another this strange lizard-man quite literally picks up a chick, seemingly in a barn.
15. [image] JAMIE NOBLE:

Midgets are tough and don't let anybody ever tell you otherwise. Recently Noble's been on the losing end of a feud with Hornswoggle, already losing to him by both pinfall and count-out as well as being forced to run away from an angered Irishman (not Vince McMahon chasing him so he could deliver a pink slip).

Isn't it amazing that this guy was once banging Torrie Wilson on-air? Granted, everyone's done that, but still, he was a part of the group. He also once beat a man who's been buried by feuded with The Rock for Christ's sake! Of course, by that same token Mark Henry deserves a main-event push for beating The Rock on PPV.

You know what? Fuck it, let Noble rot in lower-card hell; sacrifices must be made.



Poor Santino. Even his on-air girlfriend won't give him any nookie. And this is the woman who made out with Ric Flair once.

17. [image]



Speak of the devil. Ric Flair's retiring in less than eight months and here he is stuck playing Christian's old role of jobber to the stars, being more or less squashed by Finlay, MVP, and The Great Khali all in about a month's time. I don't recall Hulk Hogan losing in three minutes to Big Show before putting an end to being a full-time wrestler.

It actually took about ten.




With his entry into Fat March, a new reality show on some channel that sees the morbidely obese walk to lose weight, Rosey claims he was fired by WWE for being overweight. WWE was of course quick to deny this, saying the reason they fired Rosey was because he's untalented and uncharismatic. But we all know that's ridiculous. I mean, it's not like WWE currently has any fat minorities in their employ or anything...
19. [image] TEST:

You got feel sorry for the guy. He only has two Testicles left and those have shrunk considerably due to 'roids, and now he's stuck in TNA with a gimmick he's probably going to get sued for. And that isn't even the worst part of it.

TNA originally wanted Rikishi to become The Punisher. Good God. When TNA thinks the fucking Sultan is not only more menacing you but also more worthy of a main-event push, you might be best off imitating Mike Awesome. Yeah, I have the feeling that if Test gets a referee to serve as his manager and starts killing Brother Runt on a nightly basis he'll be fine.


20. [image] KANYON:

Are you pumped? Mortis is gonna be on CNN!! Thrill as he spends two hours talking about how no wrestling companies want anything to do with someone who's gay... despite the fact that WWE continues to have Pat Patterson and Sylvain Griener on its payroll and gave both Orlando Jordan and Lita, both of whom are bisexual, substantial pushes. Oh, and they sent me that T-shirt I ordered to boot.

I think the best thing Kanyon could do right now is do what he's probably wanted to do for some time: get on his knees and suck on Vince's dick beg for Vince's forgiveness.
21. [image] EUGENE:

As if being dressed up like Superman fresh after eating a bucket of Kryptonite-based paint wasn't bad enough, pretty soon Eugene won't even be the only retard on Smackdown. The plan is to give Jessie & Festus Dalton an "Of Mice & Men" gimmick.

I know, I'm surprised as you are-- there are people in creative who read? It's amazing, isn't it?



Jon Heidenreich recently did an interview in which he criticized both WWE and Road Warrior Animal (not to be confused with Batista & Triple-H's stand-up routine) for how he was booked and the fact that Animal was more than willing to exploit Hawk's name for his own benefit. He's got a point.

Naturally, Animal was quick to jump to his own defense. It's kinda hard to argue, dude; not only were you more than willing to go along with a storyline your brother could have very easily had changed, but you also jumped at the opportunity to take the place of Scott Steiner when he was out with an injury to form a dream team with Rick Steiner, the team in question being a combination of teams where one member is dead. Okay, Scott Steiner's still alive, but he's dead inside. Or at least most of his organs are.

From the makers of the WWE Easter Basket comes WWE back-to-school gear! According to the description, no bully will dare mess with you if you carry around a bookbag with John Cena on it! God help any kid who's dumb enough to believe this-- or better yet, help the bully and give him enough power to kill these kids with his bare hands. No sense letting these subhumans live long enough to be able to breed, right?

One of these guys sits in a corner crying while screaming "Don't look at me!" while the other sits in the opposite corner trying to beat off that thing that's always hanging around. There's nothing quite like WWE basically telling you that Sylvain Griener was the best member of your tag-team, huh?

But fear not, guys! Chances are the two of you will wind up in TNA under the name The Resistance, where you'll feud with all the top teams but not before cutting a decidely bitter promo toward Vince McMahon... despite the fact that he kept your asses employed long after you'd outlived your usefulness. Also, you'll probably end up eventually loving America though you'll still remain heels after Rob Conway bellows his way through the national anthem and promptly gets chased out of Orlando by a family of six cousins and their mom and dad.

Anyone else I can insult in this? YOU BET. The Irish beat their wives. Ha!

This has nothing to do with wrestling, but it's worth mentioning. If you watch USA Network at all (meaning Raw, Monk, Psych, or SVU-- nothing else on the channel's watchable), you've been bombarded at some point or another with advertisements for The Starter Wife. This affront to humanity had commercials run for it at least 25 times an hour back before its debut and looked as annoying as the love-child between The Miz and Kelly Kelly, and yet somehow those sadists at the Emmy's have nominated this thing for ten fucking awards. This is why I don't watch award shows.




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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).