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The Wrestling Fan dot com, in conjunction with The Academy of Wrestling Arts & Sciences (whoever the fuck they are), ranks the Bottom 25 Superstars inside the wrestling world each week (month? whenever?) with the SOUR 25. The rankings are based on ridiculousness, stupidity, push (or lack thereof), as well as whether or not Canadian Bacon owns a piece of their merchandise. Be sure to keep checking back for the latest SOUR 25.  

Sean Carless' Note: Originally created by our friend TolerancE, the "prestigious" TWF Sour 25 has become a popular staple here at TWF for its absurdity, cruelty and out and out ridiculousness.  That said, this month's edition may not sit well with a few folks for obvious reasons. In fact, had anyone wrote this about 3 weeks ago, I would have surely punched them right in the soul. But time has passed, and now I'm just sort of  numb to the whole tragedy and what not. You can grieve in your way, and I shall grieve in mine. The only difference is I choose to mask mine in a shroud of tasteless jokes~! instead of making terrible tribute banners. C'Est la vie or something! So, ya, like I said, discretion is advised and all that junk. And take solace in the fact that if you laugh then feel terrible immediately after, it means you still have a soul.....

SOUR 25 LEGEND

          Rise In Rankings        Fall In Rankings          No Change

 

This Week   Movement   Superstar   Last Week
               
1.  

  GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED:
 
 
Why'd you do it GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED? WHY? I don't think I can ever look at another one of GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED'S matches again the same way. Just how could GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED do that to his wife WOMAN WHO...wait not that WOMAN... Umm, WOMAN WHO ALSO NEVER EXISTED and of course their son GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED JUNIOR? And why did WOMAN, BUT NOT THAT WOMAN, WHO BY THE WAY NEVER EXISTED keep rolling on those Germans? She'd still be alive today had she had the sense to stop rolling after the first. Wait, that's not what happened? Boy do I look foolish.
 
That said, I will at least always have my wrestling memories. Like the time [REMOVED BY WWE Inc.]. Or how about the time the Rabid GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED finally overcame the odds that small guys couldn't make it to the top of this industry and finally [REMOVED BY WWE Inc.]. I'll always have that. I seek solace in that.
 
   NA
2.

THE MEDIA:

Dear God, for all we poke fun at the wrestling industry sometimes for having it's head up it's own ass, the mainstream "Media" takes the cake. In fact, when The Ultimate Warrior of all people is the guy who makes the most sense in the room, I think it's time to re-evaluate yourself as a human being.

That said, The Media (whom I'm all lumping into one category, like they have all professional wrestlers) have proven in the last few weeks their complete and utter ineptitude, thanks mostly in part to broad unproven generalization and a serious lack of even basic fact checking. Like Nancy Grace and her perpetually pursed nostrils, which always look like she's picked up the trace of a faint fart in the room, who was one of the first "journalists" to jump on this story. And of course immediately blamed steroids, which as we all know cause psychosis (not this) immediately, like The Hulk being bombarded with fucking Gamma Rays. In fact, it's so well known, no reputable scientist on earth can conclusively prove this has ever been the case. Yup. A back like a Nestle crunch bar? Definitely. Unbridled instant rage? Umm, not so much.

But hey, that all pales in comparison to Nancy's projection that perhaps Chris murdered his family because he was demoted from the *elite* Four Horsemen (seriously.). That's some quality reporting there. I don't know about you, but I still hold murderous contempt for setbacks from 10 years ago. I was fired from a job at Taco Bell in the Spring of 1997, and it's just now sinking in how ANGRY THIS MAKES ME. In fact, I think I'll murder everyone there tomorrow with the hot-sauce dispenser, then kill myself by putting my mouth under the Dr. Pepper tap, suffocating myself with the sweet, sweet syrup.

That said, there was *another* beacon of journalistic integrity who made Nancy Grace look like fucking Walter Cronkite in comparison, and that was Geraldo Rivera, who somehow made the bold statement that perhaps the death of Nancy & Daniel Benoit was somehow connected to the death of Sherri Martel... who died like two weeks prior. That's a pretty good lead there, Geraldo. But call me crazy, but I think I just might hold off on blindly believing it until I see video footage of Benoit cascading off Sensational Sherri's roof with a swan-dive head-butt while she sat on her porch with her sister.
 
But hey, who am I to doubt to Geraldo? I'm sure all the answers will be revealed when Geraldo himself presents "CHRIS BENOIT'S VAULT". It'll be a breakthrough. No doubt.
 NA
3.

HULK HOGAN:


I think I might pass an official TWF decree that gives the Hulkster a permanent place on this list, because nary a week goes by where Hogan doesn't say something completely moronic. Man, for a guy who is reputed to be the "smartest man in the Industry", Hulk sure is an idiot sometimes.
 
Case and point: in a recent interview, he cast doubts onto Nancy Benoit's character, accusing her of being a "Devil Worshipper", like somehow her previous Kevin Sullivan-era gimmick from TWENTY FIVE YEARS AGO somehow caused her demise. Thankfully, Hulk had the good sense to not put his orange foot in his mouth any further. And thank God, because I'd be afraid to hear his explanation of the murder itself. "You see, dude, Chris Benoit was so upset after that little dude Shawn Michaels forcefully pinned Bret Hart at Wrestlemania 23 and screwed Canada, that he went out and killed his wife and son, bruther, because he couldn't live with the shame, man".
 
Fucking Hogan. I think the real reason he was so quick to jump on this story is because he himself secretly harbors the urge to off his annoying wife Linda, but can't figure out how she keeps getting up from those thunderous bodyslams. "It worked on Andre, dude! What's your secret, bruther?"
 8
4. JERRY MCDEVITT:

In case you didn't know, Jerry is the lawyer for WWE, and has gotten them out of all kinds of binds over the last near twenty years, presumably on the strength of picking jurors with the following listed names: Clown, The, Doink, Ugandan Headhunter, The, Kamala. OK, maybe not. ;)
 
In any event, the day after facts began coming out about the Benoit suicide/double murder, McDevitt immediately drew up a statement saying that Steroids could NEVER have EVER played a part. Now this may eventually be the case, but remember this was like 24 hours AFTER the bodies were discovered, and without any toxicology reports to back anything up. All it did really was add fuel to the public's perception that WWE is trying to cover-up steroid use in wrestling. Couple that with McDevitt downplaying a wrestling Union on Larry King live before King cut him off and put over the success of Baseball's union, it clearly came across fairly obviously that McDevitt was a Puppet/Yes-man for the agenda WWE wants presented. That and he has a terrible haircut. That's the *real* reason why I'm nominating him. You'd think that going on TV before millions would merit breaking out the old Flowbee, but I guess not.
 
 NA
5.

CM PUNK:

Hey, I love CM Punk. Big Fan. But hey, what does it say about a company when your scheduled opponent in the ECW World Title match offs his family and himself, and they still don't put the belt on you? A beer's looking pretty good all of a sudden, isn't it, Punker?

NA
6.

DEBRA:
Debra, the former WWE manager and Ex-wife of Stone Cold Steve Austin appeared on a televised interview recently, presumably not in this outfit,
speaking on the Benoit situation, which she used as a personal soap-box to get over her marital woes with Steve Austin. She then went over the physical abuse perpetrated on her by the Texas Rattlesnake in great detail before stating that WWE knew the ENTIRE TIME what was going on, which just adds credence to my theory that Jim Ross is always there to provide commentary on the everyday nuances of Steve Austin's life.
 
*Austin wipes his ass after depositing a particularly large load into the Bemis*
 
Jim Ross: "STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!"
 
Anyway, back to Debra. Why are you complaining? Didn't Austin always say DTA? Didn't you hear? WHY WOULD YOU TRUST A RATTLESNAKE? Have you never watched WWE TV? Hmmm? And hey, you'd think after a year of marriage she'd have learned to catch Austin's foot before he hit the Stunner. Everyone knows that's the counter! Get your head in the game! Ahem.
 NA
7.

SCOTT STEINER:

 
The good news is Scott Steiner had successful surgery on his injured trachea and is actually expected back relatively soon. The bad news is that we don't know what kind of long term damage he could have done to his vocal chords. And thanks to the injury, Steiner's promos could easily now be reduced to nothing more than incoherent grunting ramblings that make little to no sense. It'll be tough to see him this way, no doubt.... 

NA
8.

SUPER CRAZY:
 
Poor Super Crazy. Shouldn't he realistically be the number contender to the WWE Title? He did have the best time in 'Beat the Clock' after all. And if not, what is the incentive for guys like him, Shelton & Val Venis even wrestling that night? Who shows up to work just so they can fend off some other dude killing them in the shortest amount of time for like zero reward? Only in the wonderful world of Pro Wrestling would this happen. I mean, you never see random dudes pulled from the mail room and told to run away from the company execs while someone holds a stopwatch. Who'd even go along with this scenario?And better yet, why am I asking for continuity from a company that hasn't even mentioned that their exploded Chairman of the Board is in fact still alive? All I know is, Brian Gerwirtz (RAW's head writer) allegedly had big plans for Crazy a while back after apparently watching Nacho Libre (seriously), but has since completely waned. Maybe he's punishing Crazy because he just found out what his Blockbuster overdue charges are? I don't know.
 
 NA
9.

BATISTA'S PROMOS: 

You have my shitty repetitive monotone promos, and come this Sunday, I'll be needing them back.
 NA
10.


 

HAAS & BENJAMIN:

 
You know what would be a great gimmick? Taking two of the best pure wrestlers on the brand and turning them into (THE WORLD'S GREATEST) reluctant homosexuals! And by "great gimmick" I mean the complete dictionary opposite to that.
 
But seriously, who even makes bets like "you'll have to kiss me on the lips if you lose"? What in the world would Haas even gain from this "bet"? What's wrong with putting money on the line, or maybe even a prized possession? I mean, I don't know about you, but when I'm razzing my friends, I don't spontaneously make wagers that could possibly lead to assplay. And worse yet, since neither Benjamin & Haas signed one of those strange "wrestling stipulations" that'd make the wager *official*, why would Shelton or Haas even consider honoring this stipulation, even jokingly? "Haha, It's a good thing you didn't say I'd have to blow you! I'd really be in trouble then! It's not like I could just refuse! I lost the match fair and square after all!"
 
 NA
11.

ASHLEY:

 

So, apparently the *real* reason for Ashley's hiatus from WWE is she is to be a contestant on the next Survivor. I can see it. After all, she's already trained herself to not eat, so there's no problems there. Plus, let's not forget she has extensive experience living amongst Rats (or Diva Search contestants as they're also known). The only drawback is that her tribe will probably be counting on her huge implants to keep them afloat if and when they do challenges in the water. Unfortunately, as widely speculated, Ashley's implants are made of cement, and thus, her and whatever tribesman foolish enough to cling to her will likely sink to the bottom of the Ocean. The only other question now is if she'll even make it to first Torch ceremony without disintegrating into a fine particle dust.

 

 NA 
12.

SANTINO MARELLA:

 
Sorry, Super Marella but your push is in another castle. I hope you kept some of those coins you got from head-butting those blocks 'cause I have a feeling they might come in handy in the next few months....
 
Seriously though, was there anyone without the name Vince McMahon who thought that a completely homogenized 1970's plucky good guy gimmick could get over in today's wrestling world? I think the fact that audiences seemed to identify more with the island savage (who doesn't speak English yet has his taped finger on the pulse of the urban hip-hop scene with his custom grill) than the really happy Italian guy hammered that home.
 
Sadly, I suspect that Santino is in for even more stereotyping in the future. In WWE's big rolodex of understanding cultures, this cycle can only end in one scenario. That being Santino suddenly starting up a few, ahem "completely legitimate businesses". They already have his ass living in New Jersey, so why not? Maybe he can start his own "crew"? Hell, bring in Miz. He can be Big Pussy. Albeit for an entirely different reason. It'll be great. Soon, wrestlers will start "sleeping with the fishes"...and not just the rats you see in the front row. It's a step up. Clearly.
 10
13.

LILLIAN GARCIA:

Apparently, Lillian possesses healing powers that make the Mr. Glass character from Unbreakable look like fucking Mick Foley in comparison. I mean, who takes 4 months off for a sprained..whatever? Especially when your job is TALKING. Hell, Vince blew both his quads, and was not only back on TV but fucking WALKING in less time than that. Although, who knows, maybe the reason for the slow recovery time is that Charlie Haas kept insisting on visiting her hospital (medical facility. Tm. WWE) room and kept accidentally running into and sending her gurney spiraling down the hall and out an open 2nd story window?*

*The following scenario works so much better when imagined with Benny Hill music.

 NA
14.

"SILVERBACK" MARK HENRY:
I'd loved to be in the room when someone approached the large hulking black man, and suggested that he refer to himself as a Gorilla from now on. If that creative member was a PHONE BOOK or heaven help him, a lone FRYING PAN, I think it's safe to say he'd no longer be with us. But hey, now that Pandora's box has been opened anyway, I say they run full boar with this and develop Henry into a full-on King Kong character. There is a slight chance I *only* want to see this because it'd entail Henry eventually plummeting to his ultimate demise from a high building though. Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes. T'was workrate that killed the beast. Or complete lack-there-of.
 
 NA
15. KING BOOKER:

You think poor Booker is getting case of Déjà vu? After the subtle tease with HHH on RAW, I wonder if he's getting 2003 flashbacks all over again. Poor bastard. This whole potential situation is the equivalent of once being sucked into a black-hole, and after being almost obliterated, you recover enough and finally escape--only to be crushed by an asteroid on the other side. Or not. I just felt like breaking out one of my patented overwrought analogies. All I know is, I can't wait for HHH to tell him that people like him (fake monarchs with faux British accents?) can never be champion. It'll be tremendous TV. Yup.
 NA
16.

HHH:

For a guy who's not even back on TV yet he's sure fucking overexposed. I mean, TWO vignettes in one show? Who's this guy fucking? Oh. 
 
And hey, while we're on the topic, doesn't there exist any new footage of this fucking guy working out? What, he hasn't angrily pumped any iron since 2002? What gives? Ah, I kid. This selection is what we in the Interweb business like to call "complete filler"...
 NA
17.

THE BOOKING OF THE X-DIVISION:

Hey, remember when TNA was supposed to be built around the X-Division? No limits, remember? Well, I guess that's given way to their new motto: Limits. Lots and lots of limits. I mean, look at poor Sonjay Dutt. Ya, let's take a great athlete and give him the gimmick of an anorexic pacifist. GOOD THINKING. Nothing says big money like that. I mean, what was wrong with 'Playa from the Himalaya'? Which I'd assume wouldn't be too hard a title to acquire. It's not like those Llamas up there in the mountains can say no....
 
But seriously (Ok, maybe not), what gives? I know that it was once stated that Jeff Jarrett wants them all to be like a video game, but I just hope they have the Konami cheat code enabled, because they're gonna need all the lives they can get to survive this fucking shitty booking...
 NA
18.

GREAT KHALI:


Ah, yes, The Great Khali. The man who's single-handedly redefining what it means to be "great". Which I applaud. Thanks to the steps he's taken in changing everything that word stands for, a lot of former girlfriends of mine have recently come forward and proclaimed me a GREAT lover. Thanks, Khali! I couldn't have done it without you.
 
That said, Khali is clearly the WWE's biggest hot potato--a completely unintelligible potato-- having now worked on all three brands in one fiscal year, before going right back to where he started, handing out brain chops to everyone in his path, bar certain key WWE creative members who are impervious to the hold. It's true.
 
That said, it's probably for the best that Khali works exclusively on the taped show. That way WWE production staff, ILM, DreamWorks and even God himself can all have a hand in editing the footage of the pending Batista/Khali rivalry into something that is even remotely watchable. That, and cutting out the part where the unbelievable suction created by the match itself opens a wormhole in the fabric of time and swallows the arena and all its spectators into a cloud of nothingness like the fucking house in Poltergeist. Good luck, guys. I'll just sit back and enjoy the chaos and revel in his great promos. (Speaking of which, I recently tried to put my TV on Closed Caption during one of his promos, and it told me to go fuck myself. Weird.).
 7
19. CHUCK PALUMBO:

So, Chuck Palumbo has finally re-debuted on TV. With a Biker gimmick, no less. He's just like Undertaker, you see!... only sans all the things that make us even care about Undertaker. But he has a bike! He builds them himself apparently. And that's it. That's his gimmick. Just a tall guy with a halfro who spends too much fucking time in his garage. It's a license to print money, clearly. But hey, at least it doesn't involve having a love affair with Billy Gunn. That's one plus for the guy. Although, his homosexual life-partnership with Mr. Ass and customizing vehicles do have one thing in common. They both involve a lot of tedious rear-end work. Badumcha

 

 NA
20.

THE UNDERTAKER:

Apparently, after Undertaker retires from the ring he's thinking of becoming--wait for it-- a REAL ESTATE AGENT. YES. This is the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life. Can you imagine having Undertaker handle your fucking Escrow? You better believe you'll get a bargain on the Devil's Duplex of your dreams! Hell, I heard he'll even take care of the heat and hydro himself...by using his inborn supernatural ability to produce currents of electricity from his hands, and calling his brother Kane over to pump his armpits up in the air.  Or hell, just think about the sale's pitch itself.
 
Undertaker: "This is the Master Bedroom. Here, you can Rest.....in Peace!"
Customer: "Excuse me?!"
Undertaker: "Umm, Nothing."
 
It'll be AWESOME.
 
So, if you're in the market for a new home, is there any better person to handle your sale than the Undertaker? (unless the "selling" is in the ring. He doesn't sell shit there. Sorry.).  Choose Undertaker realty. He gets your business the old fashioned way, he urns it.
 5
21. JIMMY SNUKA:
Hey, while we're on the topic of guys who murdered their significant other, how about that Superfly? To this day, I think the only reason why he's not in prison is because no one could understand his fucking confession...
 
All kidding aside, it was sad seeing The Superfly wrestling at Vengeance. To say he looked his age would be an understatement. In fact, the only fruit Roddy Piper would smash over his head today is a bowl of prunes, and then only for the continence they provide him. But hey, how awkward must it have had to be for his opponent Deuce, his real life son? But hey, maybe it was therapeutic. Maybe this was *finally* Deuce's chance to get back at Dad for refusing to wear shoes to his high school graduation? Or going berserk every time Deuce brought home a piece of fruit? And especially for chaperoning his dates, which'd always end with a trip to the pine barrens with a shovel and some lime. Or maybe I just wanted to make these random stupid jokes. Maybe.
 
 NA
22.

THE BOWFLEX:
Call me crazy, but considering the way he exited this mortal coil, I'm thinking that Chris Benoit might not ever be used for one of their celebrity results testimonials anytime soon. But hey, that doesn't mean you can't respect the durability of their product. Just the other day I went to Fitness World and inquired about a potential purchase of my very own. I asked about the total body workout, which pleased me. The resistance training was also quite good. Things got a little awkward though after I asked if it would support the weight of a two hundred plus pound man in the event that they want to make a grand exit from this world after unspeakable crimes. Surprisingly, they didn't have much info there. Go figure.
 NA 
23.
BROOKE HOGAN:
Hey look, Brooke Hogan got breast implants! If there was ever a reason to take up her Dad's stead and tear off her shirt, clearly now would be the time.
 
That said, I can only assume that it was the Hulkster who paid for them. I only wish we could hear the story from Hulk himself:
 
 "The 700 pound Doctor performed the surgery, dude, but he slipped with the scalpel, man, so Brooke started hulking up, brah, and after the third attempt to slip in the saline bag, Brooke blocked the charge, dude, unloaded on him, and gave him the bodyslam heard 'round the world, bruther! Just then though, dude, the earth started to shake, the skies opened up, and the Plastic Surgery clinic broke off and fell into the ocean! But never fear Maniacs! This stark ravin' Hulkster yelled "hop aboard my barn-door back!", and Brooke, her new tits, and all the Botox Linda could carry, climbed onboard and I dog-paddled our way to safety, bruther!"
 
True story.
NA
24.
 
 LEX LUGER:
Holy shit, was that Lex Luger I just saw on TV talking about the Benoit situation? Wow. I mean, really, who better to add credibility to the argument against steroid abuse and being responsible for the death of their significant other than Lex Luger? Oh, that's right, anybody. And speaking of Lex, how in the hell did Elizabeth even die in his company? You'd think that his bionic forearm would have added a new edge to the Heimlich maneuver. Shows what I know. Knock out Yokozuna for 20 minutes? Sure. Dislodge dinner? Apparently not. Oh well.
 NA
25.
SAMOA JOE:
Apparently Samoa Joe (or Joe as he's known back on the Islands) refused to sign a new multi-year TNA deal. This of course has led to the speculation that sometime in 2008 we could possibly see Joe in the WWE. And it also led to the speculation on my part that if the moment he steps into Connecticut, will he suddenly be overwhelmed with the urge to discard his shoes, disband any and all knowledge of the English language, and of course have his head and thumbs become inhumanly thicker and more dense. It's a strange phenomenon that only seems to happen to guys from the Islands who work for this company. Weird.
NA 

 

 
Hey~! While you're here (if in fact you didn't leave all disgusted), why don't you check out my full WWE PPV Recapitations Archive? You won't be sorry you did! (Actually you will.). 
 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).