After much hullabaloo, and other words not used in the
last hundred years, the full 8 TWF Rookies have *finally* been chosen
from a pile (operative word here) of dozens, matched up with respective
Pros, and given their *very first* TWF writing assignment. That assignment?
Contributing to TWF's first ever and soon-to-be-revealed Wikia, where
the best, most entertaining & informative entry on their particular Pro
(as voted by the Pros themselves) will earn that winning rookie their
very own private writer’s spotlight on this page, in addition to moving
towards possible immunity from the first elimination (the first individual
to win *two* straight assignment competitions will be untouchable from
elimination during the first vote).
This particular assignment was designed to test the Rookie’s actual JOURNALISM skills, research abilities, and how well they were able to follow instruction - and how much initiative they had to make the most of the (somewhat limited) information at hand. Entries will be posted shortly with the winner being announced shortly thereafter - and the losers mocked vehemently, and violated prison-style until their tears dry up, their assholes seal shut, and their coping sense of denials kick in. Or just the first part. Maybe.
Edward Joseph Merrick (b. John Hurt,
1984, Somewhere) is an English ‘writer’. His credits include regular
columns on websites The Wrestling Fan and Whyihateeverything, and starred
in the film The Naked Civil Servant playing homosexual raconteur Quentin
Plucked from obscurity as the winner of the 2005 Satire Search, Merrick quickly became one of The Wrestling Fan’s most popular writers. His Low Blow columns enjoyed huge internet success, drawing millions of readers and being shortlisted for several literary prizes. In the end, he just won TWF writer of the year 2006. Disappointed, Joe Merrick cried. Merrick also had a tenure writing the weekly Smackdown Rants, until he was asked to stop in order to maintain international relations with Every Foreign Country. Around this time he is meant to have quoted “I do this so one day, I can have a Wikipedia page bigger than Sean Carless’s”. Another of Merrick’s achievements while at The Wrestling Fan was encouraging young aspiring black writer Kevin Sanders to submit his work to the website. This recommendation proved to be a success, and Sanders thrived at the Fan under the pseudonym Anvil’s Swagbag for many years. Merrick was involved in the investigation of his disappearance in 2008, being questioned as a suspect in the assumed murder of Sanders, ultimately being released without charge.
Just who is James Walker? In his youth, James was a columnist for The Wrestling Fan regularly from 2005 to 2007, with his article entitled “White Vans & Candy” being his most notable contribution. No word on whether or not the article’s title was inspired from true-to-life events, his satirical styling earned him the prestigious “Golden Tenay” award in the 2005 Fanny Awards. Rumored to steal children’s birthday cakes, this man among fanboys has stood out, mostly due to the fact that he has seen naked women storms. Twice. Or once. I am sure it happened though…maybe. James’ love for wrestling is rooted in videogames; the landmark game WWF War Zone was the first to pique his interest in the grappling arts. The “grappling arts” term is the explained name as to how people get educated feet, by the way. Anyhow, his love for wrestling slowly transgressed over time with his introduction to the Internet Wrestling Community. Going from “mark” to “smark,” his passion for wrestling has faded as it has for many others, simply due to a repetitive product amongst other elements. His attitude on wrestling though is that it is an escape from reality, and even though as fans we do get frustrated with the current product, this idea still holds true. Even if it is lousy and repetitive at times, it’s still a form of entertainment. Another great facet of entertainment is the satire writer, and in this regard, James Walker is at his best. So what happened to James? Sources tell this reporter that sometime in early 2008, a new legend was born. Unconfirmed, the tale of Walker’s disappearance relates to a suspicious article published on December 12, 2005. In this article, James speaks a narrative as told by Vince McMahon, making mention of one Canadian whom is never allowed to be mentioned furthermore on WWE programming. Claiming as McMahon in regards to why Benoit was not a perennial champion, Walker stated, “Let’s hammer down a check list, shall we? Canadian? Check. Skilled ring technician? Check. Uncharismatic promos? Check. Murders babies? Probably.” Following the Benoit incident of 2007, James was said to have actually made the now infamous Wikipedia posting in regards to Benoit’s death, as it is common knowledge all Canadians share a kindred spirit. According to the legend, Vince was adamant that anything related to Chris Benoit be permanently erased from public memory, and it is speculated that James was abducted by WWE representatives, locked away in the vaunted WWE Vault. Chained alongside Bruno Sammartino’s championship lineage, Randy Savage’s relevancy, and ECW’s originality, James Walker is said to be there to this day. Is it true? Well, in this day and age, anything is possible. Reporting for the Wrestling Fan, I’m Ernest “Ernie” Brannigan, and Godspeed James Walker. Godspeed.
Cameron Burge arrived suddenly on this planet in 1962. Little is known about his early life, although a mysterious scar on his back and a pathological fear of lawnmowers, suggests he may have landed in Texas. Cameron arrived at TWF in 2004, after being hand picked (not in the JBL sense) by Michael Melchor. Sean Careless approved of the new guy when it was revealed his name is an anagram of Sean’s average date – Embrace Go Run. Cameron initially used the moniker of “The Real Inferno”, clearly taken to distinguish himself from his idol, the very similar and easily confused Disco Inferno. Rumours of a love for fat chicks are unsubstantiated, but strong evidence exists that he spent time borderline murdering small Japanese men. Over time he has established himself as TWF’s “Mr Monday Night” and much like the other “Mr Monday Night”, his Best Damn Raw Rant, Period really is the Whole F’N Show. Also like RVD, Cameron has also been buried by the establishment, clearly fearful of his up and coming talents and educated fingers. Despite being the longest serving recapper in a single post, he has never polled in the top 4 of the annual Writer of the Year poll. Despite being a fully qualified Reverend, Cameron has, at the time of writing, never brought down the wrath of God on his inferior “colleagues” for this atrocious miscarriage of justice. It can only be a matter of time. Over the years, the Cameron has somehow maintained his enthusiasm (or irritation) with a product bearing increasing resemblance to being produced by a four year old with a pack of colourful crayons (Raw, not TWF). At the start of his tenure, the Raw recaps were an average of 4,100 words and in 2010 remain an average of 3,400 words long. At this rate of interest loss, it wont be until 2030 that we can expect the Best Damn Raw Rant, Period to simply state “Cena retains again. Fucking rubbish”. Until that day, Cameron Burge continues to be the undisputed king of Monday Night Raw. Read his recaps or die.
have concluded that women who watch professional wrestling generally
fall into one of two categories:
1. The girlfriends of assholes who force them to watch Smackdown as part of a trade off for having to watch a four hour marathon of What Not to Wear.
2. Someone who has fucked Batista.
Shattering this stereotype is Catherine Perez. With acerbic commentary and mind-melting photoshops, TWF’s resident female has bowled over readers with her column Deadface Walking. One can always spot her work by noting the conspicuous lack of dick jokes and references to Kelly Kelly’s puss-puss, which makes up the content of 87% of this website (note: the remaining 13% consists largely of variations on how fat Matt Hardy has gotten).
A late bloomer to a world that most fans fell in love with at a young age, Ms. Perez was sucked in after witnessing the unholy wedding of Kane and Lita, a moment that made her realize that wrestling wasn’t just grown men pretending to fight one another. It was actually a world full of as much bad acting and drama as a single episode of Degrassi Junior High, a place where the lulz never ended and wrestlers would fight each other over ring jackets and spilled coffee. Of course, if some asshole prick suggests that this is just proof that women will go apeshit over anything involving marriage, it should be pointed out that Catherine reads Deadpool and loves Brad Dourif movies so anyone getting Disney Princess vibes should check their fucking heads.
Since that fateful evening of choosing not to watch a rerun of Just Shoot Me, Catherine has been a devoted follower of the business. Even in her pursuit of a Graphic Design degree, Catherine still finds the time in her busy schedule (reads: slacks off) to reedit of a photo of Kofi Kingston so it looks like he’s in Cool Runnings. Wrestling is clearly not a fad for Catherine, like Tamagotchis or those pens that smelled just like fruit that you got at Chuck E Cheese’s. For her, wrestling is serious fucking business.
On a completely unrelated yet hilarious note, Catherine remains the only known female on the planet that finds Al Snow sexy. Before judging her too harshly for her jobber fetish, keep in mind that everyone who is reading this has probably jacked off to Chyna at some point or another, so try and keep an open mind about it.
My pro is, the one and only, Canadian
Bacon. The Baconman made his acclaimed debut on The Wrestling Fan Web
site on Saturday, August 21, 2004, making him one of the true pioneers of the
site. Canadian Bacon, as you can plainly read, was born in raised in Canada,
more specifically Saskatchewan. This leads him to claim that he has an inside
track to God, as Heaven is north, as is Canada. Henceforth, Canada=Heaven. For
those unfamiliar with the province, it is found north of Montana and North
Dakota. I declare the Baconman to be one of the top three native
Saskatchewanians, with hockey great Gordie Howe at #1 and Lt. Frank Drebin
himself, Leslie Nielson at #2. He currently resides in Moosewater.
The Baconman’s real name is apparently Kevin Bacon. He is not related to the actor, but he does bear striking resemblance, and anyone can trace their way to the Baconman in only six people. He loves Boo Berry cereal and dreams of a day where it is once back on shelves nationwide for public consumption. In 2006, he won the Provincial Lottery, making him seven million dollars richer. This money was used to start his company, BaconCorp. Despite hitting it big in the lottery, he maintains a residence in his mother’s garage, which he will tell you is an apartment.
Trouble struck the Baconman in 2007 when he was allegedly kidnapped and sold into white slavery by a man he hired as his "Virgil,” while sailing aboard his luxury liner called “The Mr. Beaumont.” He eventually escaped, after being violated, and swam back to Canada, and eventual freedom. Also Canadian Bacon was once seduced into an "online relationship" by a woman he later found out was in fact an auto-mechanic named Carl from Detroit. He also suffers from a medical condition that causes his testicles to be “Inordinately gigantic.”
Now about his life on the Web site. Canadian Bacon, also known as Mr. Money in the Piggy Bank, made his TWF debut in 2004 with an article on the recently departed Giant Gonzalez. In this first article, his professionalism shown brightly, with an in-depth profile asking whether or not the former El Gigante was in fact, a misunderstood wrestling technician. Baconman did what few other wrestling columnists did at the time, which was stand up to the IWC. He defended Giant Gonzalez thoughtfully and diligently, while others in the IWC dismissed him as a joke that wore fur on a spray painted naked body costume. Following the man’s recent passing, it is a fitting tribute to the largest wrestler in WWE history.
Another column he has written for the site includes one on the man who recently made a surprise appearance on Monday Night Raw, Virgil. While others were quick to overlook Ted DiBiase’s shirtless manservant, Baconman devoted an entire column to the individual. He explained Virgil was in fact a decent wrestler who never really got a fair shake thanks to the WWF gimmick, as well as horrible booking in WCW. And like myself, Baconman once had an awkward conversation with Virgil at a local mall, asking for twenty bucks in exchange for an autograph.
As per The Wrestling Fan site, the Baconman holds a vendetta against Sean Carless for defeating him in several “Writer of the Year” votes. This has led to the Baconman constantly insulting Mr. Carless on his “faggoty mop of hair.” In his writings on the site, Canadian Bacon often speaks of, and gets into misadventures with his "Fat cousin Madison", who is obviously retarded, and his best friend Julius, who may in actuality be an Eskimo unbeknownst to him. For no apparent reason, the Baconman seems to despise all Eskimos.
But lets get back to the Baconman himself. The 5’10 Capricorn enjoys the music of Anne Murray, Chevy Chase movies, Hockey Night in Canada (Don Cherry is someone he hopes to meet) and once split a Toblerone with the Brooklyn Brawler himself, Steve Lombardi. During the day, Canadian Bacon once sold pewter statuettes, and one of his favorite hobbies includes the underrated sport of wall ball. He loves wall ball so much he once offered a red, white and blue water-logged Pepsi ball as a reward in a contest.
Baconman has often been criticized for a lack in grammar in punctuation in his writings. One look at his popular series of TWF columns, “Bringing Home the Bacon,” offers several criticisms right on top, including hateful lines like “This is the worst column I’ve ever read,” and “This column can’t be serious.” However, there is nothing Canadian Bacon takes more serious than the sport of professional wrestling. To those who criticize, I say, “How dare you!” Baconman is such a wealth of wrestling knowledge and information that writing just pours out of him. We should all be grateful he takes the opportunity to give the online wrestling community a monthly dose of bacon, and I for one look forward to many more columns he will write for the site in the near future.
Sean Carless is a 33 year-old smartass/humanitarian/gynecologist by hobby. Despite being in the Witness Relocation Program for indiscretions since stricken from the record, he has since made his whereabouts known to the general public, as he currently resides in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada (AKA “The Center of the Universe”). Although currently single, he has ruined many marriages by sleeping with wives, whether they wanted him to or not. Whether or not said wives are even conscious at the time is also up for speculation/prosecution. When Sean is not chronically masturbating or covering up horrible crimes he has committed Dexter-style, he can be found working on numerous freelance writing projects that sometime earn him money/condescending pats on the head. He currently runs two insanely successful wrestling/satire sites-seancarless.com and thewrestlinfan.com. He has also contributed to various other wrestling/satire/media sites such as Wrestlecrap.com, HonkyTonkMan.com, 411Mania.com, thetorontostar.com, and lethalwrestling.com - along with penning the first draft of the Bible (He is immortal). He is an experienced web designer with over six years of experience, after spending the last seven years finally learning HTML, thus making them work (kind of). He has also had a book of cartoons published under someone else’s identity and is currently working on yet another book that a few people might read. By a few people, I mean billions around the world, as he is very famous and important (Just ask him). Sean has officially made Megan Fox unattractive thanks to his discovery of her “Toe Thumbs”, and can barbecue like no one’s business. Despite the last name, Sean does own and operate a car, and often uses it for nefarious means/ pizza deliveries under the guise that it may lead to real-life porn situations.
James Swift is a straight edge, vegetarian, atheist, with the deadliest reverse dragon sleeper hold south of the Mason-Dixon line. When he’s not receiving accolades from the press or watching NHL, he is slowly removing all evidence of Jushin Thunder Liger and recapping UFC bouts. He will not tolerate a bad word against Samus, Pineapple pizza, or the man they call Vader, nor will he rest until he has found a cure for the condition known as ‘Cruiserweights’.
Anvil's Swagbag is TWF's resident limey, hailing from merry old England. He started at TWF "recapping" Friday Night Smackdown, stopping only for tea, crumpets and/or Wimbeldon. You do NOT want to run into this guy on a message board. NO SIR. He will say MEAN, MEAN things. He'll come at you, like a violent quiche. According to Anvil, his column, "The Dungeon," is a pile of "shite," and comparable to a White Castle of Fear. (Sadly, no chicken rings.) Anvil is angry. He's so angry, he may tip your chair over. Even if you're still sitting in it.