Hey
everybody, and welcome to the 2009 TLC Rant. My name is
Zach Morrison, the self proclaimed “Jew-ru of
Greatness,” as well as creator of horrible nicknames.
Why take on the 2009 TLC Rant you may ask? Well, these
types of gimmick matches are always my favorite, we’re
nearing the 2010 TLC PPV, and this
existed before the time of Michael Cole becoming one of
the most horrible announcers in recent memory.
Seriously, this PPV was a breath a fresh air not having
to hear Cole in “heel” mode 24/7. Let’s get to the
action…
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Match
1 – Shelton Benjamin vs.
Christian © – Ladder Match for ECW
Championship
The match
begins with Chimmel explaining the rules of a ladder
match. He really could just go straight into the
match…not that hard to understand. If you’re a brand new
fan, won’t you grasp the ladder match concept within 10
seconds? Hey see that title belt and/or briefcase
dangling above the ring? Climb up a ladder and grab it.
Ding ding ding.
Shelton comes out
first to the tepid crowd, and Christian follows with a
nice sized pop. The two blondes starts off trading
haymakers as Striker wastes no time before dropping
the
“Shelton is the best pure athlete in the WWE,”
line, while Lawler says, “I’m a Peep Man myself.” Pretty
sure peep is innuendo when Lawler says it… actually 99%
sure that’s what it is.
My mistake
earlier for thinking everyone knew how ladder matches
work. Let’s recap this awkward conversation Cole and
Lawler had mid-match…
Cole – Hey
King, what do you have to do to win this type of thing?
Lawler –
Um, climb the ladder and pull down the
belt.
Christian
goes for an early Killswitch attempt which Shelton turns into a backbreaker as
Striker comments on how the ECW title never changed
hands in Texas. Pretty sure
it’s tough for the belt to change hands when it was
primarily defended in the northeast and was defunct for
several years, but I digress.
Shelton’s athletic
prowess shines quickly as Christian monkey flips him
somehow onto the second rung of the ladder, leading to
Shelton darting up the
ladder until the final NWA-TNA champ pulled him
down.
Following
that exchange, Shelton trips
Christian, who happened to be holding a ladder over his
head. The ladder ends up busting Christian open, leading
to a 2 min delay and most of the crowd chanting We Want
Blood. Somewhere both wrestling butchers, Necro and
Abdullah The, shed a tear.
It took the
head trainer three min to clean up all his supplies, and
when he finished up, Christian looked up and caught a
Shelton swanton off the
ladder right in the noggin, seemingly reopening the cut.
So much for all that work by the
trainer.
Shelton then lays
a ladder from the side of the apron onto the announce
table and just leaves it there. Wonder what bad could
come from that later on in the
match?
Back in the
ring, Christian experiences déjà vu from his Impact
days, as Shelton goes for a
Stinger Splash onto a ladder propped against Capt.
Charisma. Obviously he learned something from those
matches against Mr. Borden, as Christian chucked that
ladder right back in Sheltons
face.
Hey and 12
minutes in, Lawler drops his first Wiley Coyote cam
reference to a camera shot of Christian hitting an
inverted DDT on Shelton off the ladder. Something tells
me he’ll be making Looney Tunes references until
2020.
Shelton and
Christian then trade blows, gold standard downs Mr. Peep
and climbs up the ladder, only for Christian to pull the
ladder out from under him, leaving Shelton dangling for 20
secs from the belt. A minute later the roles are
reversed, and Christian is dangling midair. Shelton pulls him down
for a powerbomb, only for Christian to reverse it into a
hurricanrana. Spot looked slightly botched, but comes
off all right since the two are insanely good
athletes.
Both men
are outside when Christian nails Shelton with the move
Kofi blatantly stole from him, the pendulum kick.
Shelton is sprawled out
on the ladder resting from the apron to the announce
table, and Christian frog splashes him right through the
ladder. Christian rolls back into the ring, climbs the
ladder and gets the W.
Winner –
Christian
Hell of a
match. Some moves were slightly botched, but regardless,
these two did steal the show and put on the best match
of the night.
Four out of
Five Stars
Cole
previews the main event, the TLC match between DX and
Jerishow. He actually said the words “high flying match”
in same words as HHH and Big Show, and Striker
surprisingly did not smack him upside his
head.
Second match of the
evening is for the IC title, Drew McIntyre vs John
Morrison ©.
This
storyline began as Drew was named as Vince McMahon’s
chosen one (a spot which worked so well for Elijah
Burke). Drew also comes out to little reaction. Morrison
comes out with much longer hair, no beard, and no
parkour training. The announcers talk about the recent
promo Morrison gave as William Wallace, one that I will
always remember for Morrison damn near slicing his eye
open with a sword.
Drew begins
the match with a resthold, and I completely forget how
green he was when he debuted. Good lord, Morrison’s
parkour training better have prepared his back for
carrying this bout.
Mac nails a
big boot and hits some generic offense on Morrison, then
goes for a side slam that Morrison turns into a spike
DDT somehow. The former Johnny Nitro then goes for a
spinning leg kick, which nailed the Scotsman in the
chest. Bit of an awkward move
there.
Both men go
to the corner, and Drew actually hits a reverse Alabama
Slam, his first pretty impressive move of the night.
Both men roll outside, and Morrison hits a flying chuck
off the ring apron. He rolls Drew in and goes for
Starship Pain. Of course like always with this move,
Drew is way too close to the bottom rope, and Morrison’s
head ends up grazing Drew’s
kidney.
As the ref
pulls Morrison off Drew during the two count, Drew pokes
Morrison in eyes, hits his Future Shock DDT, 1-2-3.
Winner and
NEW IC Champ – Drew McIntyre
Three out
of Five Stars
Okay match.
Not as good as the one before it, but these guys have a
bright future in the company. Also forgot how lame Mac’s
generic music was. This was before there was a metronome
he heard, that told him the end was coming near, since
you never hear the shot that took him down…
Awkward
Cole Lawler convo #2 for the PPV
Cole – Is
Drew really the chosen one?
Lawler –
Well he was chosen by Mr. McMahon.
Following
the match, there was a promo given for Slammy Awards. Ah
boy, poor future crowd won’t know what to expect. But
remember it was the first hint that Bret Hart would come
back to the WWE. Also remember it was spoken by Dennis
Miller of all people
In the
back, Sheamus walks up to Drew, telling him what he did
was pretty impressive, but he wouldn’t be the only
newcomer walking away from TLC with some gold. Small
little hint at the UK dominance
of the evening.
Mickie
James is out next for match, coming out dressed like
Pocahontas wearing jeans. This is when she was in the
midst of the Piggy James angle. McCool comes out
basically wearing a female version of Undertakers robe,
hood and all. She stopped at challenging any UFC
fighters to go, however.
Match #3 Mickie James
vs Michelle McCool
©
As the
match starts, Striker says Mickie is a shoe-in for the
Hall of Fame. What Hall of Fame? Perhaps the Hall of
Fame of WWE stars who are now famous for real life
angles, joining the likes of Serena and Matt
Hardy?
The two of
them have a 30 sec headlock, and it just keeps going on
to the outside. Back in the ring, the two exchange
haymakers, and Mickie hits about three Thesz presses,
including one from the top rope.
The
announcers keep talking about Mickie’s weight, and it
dawns on me why the WWE never signed Awesome Kong. The
announcers wouldn’t be able to ever talk about the
action in the ring.
Layla jumps
on the apron, leading to a Mickie spin kick in the gut.
Does standing on the ring apron ever end well? And as
Mickie turns around, McCool boots her in the face and
scores the win. So much for that…
Winner –
Michelle McCool
Two and a
half stars out of Five
Eh match.
Seen better divas matches, seen worse. This time should
be remembered as the birth and full fledged push of
LayCool.
Next match
was Cena vs Sheamus in a tables match. For those who
forgot, Sheamus won a battle royal to get the spot,
followed by Jesse Ventura turning heel on Cena for 40
seconds, leading to a Sheamus pump kick and drive
through a table.
At this
point, there was a huge push for the Celtic Warrior,
with him driving Santino and Mark Cuban through tables,
no doubt to the delight of David
Stern.
Match #4 TABLES Match –
Sheamus vs. John Cena
©
Sheamus
comes out first, and I still think the first line of his
theme song is, “It’s a shameful thing, Lobsterhead.”
Cena then comes out to more boos than cheers, including
one old man yelling “Boo-urns!” Striker says he is the
most controversial pop culture superstar. Geez not even
wrestler, all of pop culture? Poor Lady Gaga had to wear
a dress made of meat to be controversial, all Cena had
to do was come out for all his matches being as boring
as possible. Go figure.
Cole says
last time a champ was born outside the
United States
was Yokozuna. Huh? What about Edge or Jericho. Again I am
amazed Striker hasn’t kicked him under the table, or
stabbed him in the face with a pen for these comments. I
should start watching these PPVs on
mute.
Super early
in the match, Sheamus goes for a table, Cena stops him
and throws him into the announce table. Are those tables
legal to end the match, or does it have to be the $6.50
tables the Dudleys buy from Home
Depot?
The
announcers talk up Sheamus as he pounds away on Cena,
talking about how he ended Jamie Noble’s career. No word
on what happened to the other Jung Dragons though.
Sheamus then takes control of the match and nails a
sweet looking running powerslam on Cena. He already
seems much more adjusted to the ring life than Drew
McIntyre.
Announcers
talk up how Carlito made a promo the week before saying
no one like Cena and looked forward to Sheamus beating
him. How the mighty apple eater has fallen. Didn’t he
cut his debut promo on Cena saying he would beat him,
and now he’s looking forward to a pasty Irishman beating
him? Well done sir.
Action goes
to the entranceway, and Cena hits Sheamus with a suplex
on the steel ramp. Sheamus sells it like a car crash. As
the Celtic Warrior is prone on the steel, Cena tries
giving a running powerslam to a table on Sheamus (No I
did not write that wrong) but Sheamus rolled out of the
way at the last minute.
Back in the
ring, Sheamus hits Cena with that pump kick that has had
like 5 names in 9 months, and tries to go for a Razor’s
Edge through a table, but Cena gets out and slams
Sheamus, leading to the You Can’t See Me fist drop. (And
when he turns heel next month, how easy it’ll be for him
to do that gesture to the crowd instead of his
opponent).
Cena sets
another table up inside ring and goes for top rope AA
through table. Clumsily, Sheamus pushes Cena through
table as he falls to the outside, and somehow that gets
him named WWE champ. Granted I’m as happy to see Cena
lose the belt more than most people, but my God man, at
least count the lights for the young
upstart.
Winner and
NEW Champ – Sheamus
Three out
of Five Stars
Was real
happy to see the title switch, and the WWE try to push a
new superstar. Would have liked to seen it happen in a
more traditional fashion, but at least they made the
title switch.
Next up
Batista vs Taker in a chairs match. In this match,
chairs are legal, but if any other weapons are used,
they can be dq, count out. But just steel chairs are
legal? What bout plastic lawn chairs? Adirondack chairs? Barber
chairs?
CHAIRS Match – Batista vs.
Undertaker
©
The Animal
comes out first, leading to one of my favorite games –
Will Taker’s entrance go over or under 3 min from Gong
to Lights? I go over… And way over, this sucker was
about 3 min 42 seconds, longer than most diva
matches!
So these
two aren’t even trying for wrestling moves in this one.
The whole match is just the two of them swinging chairs,
and somewhere Balls Mahoney is asking where this match
was when he was in WWECW
Taker
quickly busts out his legdrop to Batista on the apron.
Funny moment is that this is when Cole calls Taker
vintage. Taker then goes for Old School, and Lawler
says, “Ah Cole, you already wasted the vintage line,”
leading to a chuckle from Striker.
Batista and
Taker continue to exchange chair shots, and following a
Snake Eyes attempt, Batista nails Mean Mark with a spear
and spinebuster on a chair, followed up by his patented
Ultimate Warrior rip off rope
shake.
He goes to
grab Taker, who puts him into the GoGo Gadget Plata.
Batista grabs the ropes, and as they get up, he shoves
Taker into the ref, followed by a low blow and a vicious
unprotected chair shot. Not as bad as Homicide to Rob
Terry bad, or as bad as any Tanaka-Awesome chairshots,
but one only Taker can get away with, and Batista gets
the 1-2-3.
Winner and
NEW champ – Batista
However
Teddy Long comes out, says though you can beat your
opponent lifeless with a chair, you cant nail him in the
gonads, and he restarts the match.
Batista
runs back to the ring with a chair, which Taker boots
into his face, grabs him for the tombstone, and
1-2-3.
Real Winner
– Undertaker
Two and a
half out of Five stars. Okay match, given some
completely weird stipulations.
Next match
is Kofi vs Orton. The announcers recap Kofi giving the
RKO racecar a new paintjob, and Kofi’s MSG boom drop
from the crowd through Orton laying prone on a table.
This was
the start of big push for Kofi, and had it not been for
him badly screwing up the finish of that three way
between him and Cena, maybe he would be a full fledged
main eventer by now.
Kofi cuts a
promo prior to the match, and truthfully I’m still
thrown off when Kofi speaks, expecting a Jamaican
accent. Only other wrestler who was ever able to switch
like this was Jack Swagger going from a massive lisp, to
well, a less massive lisp.
KOFI KINGSTON vs
RANDY ORTON
The crowd
is cheering Orton early, think this might be when he
“began” his face turn.
Match kicks
off with armbars, patiently waiting for the first
chinlock… and there it is about two min into the match
following a scoop slam. Big RKO chants start
up.
Kofi is
able to regain momentum and goes for that move where he
leaps over the opponents shoulders and does the ten
count in the corner, except he never hits that one
though cleanly, always gets caught up. It’s like his
version of Starship Pain.
In a cool
move, Kofi darts up the steps, leaps to the top rope,
turns mid air as he goes for a body splash, and Orton
nails him with a dropkick. Orton then dominates for a
few minutes, including a suplex on the guardrail. Back
in the ring, Kofi hits an SOS. That move always seems to
hurt him more than the opponent
though.
Kofi then
goes through his moves of doom, hitting the double leg
drop and the trouble in paradise kick, only Orton grabs
the ropes. Oh no, Kofi is out of finishers, how is he
ever gonna win?
And Orton
grabs Kofi and plants him with a second rope DDT.
Momentum switched back to the Legend Killer. In an
awkward spot, Orton goes for the head punt, and Kofi
blocks it with his forearm, which Orton happily punts
instead. He sets up for the RKO, which Kofi ducks, Kofi
goes for the Trouble in Paradise, which Orton ducks, and
Randy nails an RKO for the win. Solid match, but
following the bout, Orton has a look on his face like I
cant believe how many moves he didn’t
catch.
Winner –
Randy Orton
Three out
of Five Stars, and a precursor of sorts for how Randy
would be unhappy with Kofi in their matches in the near
future.
Cole said
Kofi proves he belongs in the upper echelon of those who
belong in the WWE. One year later and I’m not exactly
sure he has budged from this position, maybe even went
down a little bit.
Main event
is DX vs Jerishow in a TLC match. Again, have to ask,
how is this a high flying match with Big Show and HHH in
it?
San
Antonio site of
this PPV btw, so Michaels got a nice hometown pop
because of it. HBK ladies and gentlemen, the only man
who the WWE chooses not to embarrass when they visit
their hometown.
TLC DX vs. Jerishow
©
The action
begins quick, with Jericho pairing off
with Michaels and Big Show pairing with HHH. Big Show
and HHH work their way to the back of the arena. If only
they found the catering area and decided to stick around
a little while, this match might have been decent with
just HBK and Y2J in it.
Michaels
quickly goes through his repertoire, with the flying
forearm, kip up, and elbowdrop, which Jericho promptly gets
his knees up for and nails HBK in the back. HHH returns
to the ring and knocks out Jericho. DX then gives the
ladder a double suplex on Jericho (again you read that
right. What’s with the wrestlers giving the weapons high
impact moves rather than their
opponents?)
Big Shows
tries to get back into the ring, but DX rams a ladder
into his face, much like Big Show does to his own face
with hoagies during his lunch
breaks.
Jerishow
take over the match, with Jericho bulldogging HBK onto a
ladder, then Big Show hanging HHH in a tree of woe like
move on the ladder, flinging HBK into the hanging
upsidedown Mr. Chyna.
Big Show
then takes HHH off the ladder and whips him into the
ropes. Raise your hand if you guessed that Big Show
ducked when HHH came at him. Great Job! Big Show gets a
knee lift for his troubles, followed by a rolling DDT by
HHH and an elbow drop from HBK.
Finishers a
plenty are then traded, as Jericho nails a codebreaker
on Michaels, HHH hits a spinebuster on Jericho and Big
Show spears HHH. Big Show tries to climb ladder, but
since this isn’t the super duper ladder he used from
Money in the Bank, he had trouble getting up. DX
promptly pulled him down and hit an assisted
pedigree.
Jericho
takes out HBK and tries to climb up, but HHH powerbombs
him off. Hey pal, wait til Batista leaves the company in
six months before taking his moves. Big Show then
chokeslams HHH off the ladder.
Jerishow
quickly sticks DX between the two sides of the ladder
and repeatedly slams it down. Show actually rips the
ladder off its hinges, leading Kofi Kingston to rub his
chin in the back thinking about how those could be used
as stilts on a later date…
The crowd
then chants for tables, and I just realized they haven’t
been used yet, making this more of an LC match. However
I thought that thought too soon, as Big Show
chokeslammed HHH into HBK and through a propped up table
at ringside.
At this
point, Jerishow realized that Christian and Shelton used
up all the ladders earlier in the night, and Big Show
had broken the only ladder left in the arena. Great
going Captain Insane-o!
In a
creative spot, Jericho stands on Shows shoulders, with
Show holding Jericho’s hands for support, and the
Transformer WWE wrestlers walk over to the tag belts
dangling over the ring. However, DX comes back, and with
no way to stop it, HBK superkicks Super Jerishow.
Awkward
landing here though, as Jericho flies off Big Show’s
shoulders and seemed like he was supposed to break
through a table at ringside, only his face smacked the
side of the table without it breaking. What is it about
ladder matches that Jericho has with HBK that lead to
his face getting wrecked? First his teeth, now this. If
Jericho really wants a post-career job with VH1 counting
down the Top 100 booties in music, he should stay away
from HBK and ladders.
Now that
Jerishow is vanquished, HHH grabs one half of the
ladder, holds it in place, and HBK climbs it up and
grabs the belts for the win. Surprisingly, this is the
first time DX has held the title belts. Well without
counting the New Age Outlaws, but following their stint
as the Voodoo Kin Mafia, I try to forget most of their
career.
Winner and
NEW tag champs – DX
Three and a
half out of Five Stars. Okay match, couple botched spots
here and there, but the four veterans worked their tails
off.
In
Conclusion…
Solid PPV
all around. Nice to see some new blood, not Christian’s
face after that ladder match. This can be pointed as the
birth of Sheamus’ career, the start of pushes for
McIntyre and Kofi, and the downfall of Mickie
James.
If you’ve
made it all the way to end, congrats. You have a high
threshold for wrestling PPV rants from nearly a year
ago. This is Zach Morrison signing off. Have a good
one!
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