WWE TLC 2009

Hey everybody, and welcome to the 2009 TLC Rant. My name is Zach Morrison, the self proclaimed “Jew-ru of Greatness,” as well as creator of horrible nicknames. Why take on the 2009 TLC Rant you may ask? Well, these types of gimmick matches are always my favorite, we’re nearing the 2010 TLC  PPV, and this existed before the time of Michael Cole becoming one of the most horrible announcers in recent memory. Seriously, this PPV was a breath a fresh air not having to hear Cole in “heel” mode 24/7. Let’s get to the action…


Match 1 – Shelton Benjamin vs. Christian © – Ladder Match for ECW Championship


The match begins with Chimmel explaining the rules of a ladder match. He really could just go straight into the match…not that hard to understand. If you’re a brand new fan, won’t you grasp the ladder match concept within 10 seconds? Hey see that title belt and/or briefcase dangling above the ring? Climb up a ladder and grab it. Ding ding ding.


Shelton comes out first to the tepid crowd, and Christian follows with a nice sized pop. The two blondes starts off trading haymakers as Striker wastes no time before dropping the  “Shelton is the best pure athlete in the WWE,” line, while Lawler says, “I’m a Peep Man myself.” Pretty sure peep is innuendo when Lawler says it… actually 99% sure that’s what it is.


My mistake earlier for thinking everyone knew how ladder matches work. Let’s recap this awkward conversation Cole and Lawler had mid-match…

Cole – Hey King, what do you have to do to win this type of thing?

Lawler – Um, climb the ladder and pull down the belt.


Christian goes for an early Killswitch attempt which Shelton turns into a backbreaker as Striker comments on how the ECW title never changed hands in Texas. Pretty sure it’s tough for the belt to change hands when it was primarily defended in the northeast and was defunct for several years, but I digress.


Shelton’s athletic prowess shines quickly as Christian monkey flips him somehow onto the second rung of the ladder, leading to Shelton darting up the ladder until the final NWA-TNA champ pulled him down.


Following that exchange, Shelton trips Christian, who happened to be holding a ladder over his head. The ladder ends up busting Christian open, leading to a 2 min delay and most of the crowd chanting We Want Blood. Somewhere both wrestling butchers, Necro and Abdullah The, shed a tear.


It took the head trainer three min to clean up all his supplies, and when he finished up, Christian looked up and caught a Shelton swanton off the ladder right in the noggin, seemingly reopening the cut. So much for all that work by the trainer.


Shelton then lays a ladder from the side of the apron onto the announce table and just leaves it there. Wonder what bad could come from that later on in the match?


Back in the ring, Christian experiences déjà vu from his Impact days, as Shelton goes for a Stinger Splash onto a ladder propped against Capt. Charisma. Obviously he learned something from those matches against Mr. Borden, as Christian chucked that ladder right back in Sheltons face.


Hey and 12 minutes in, Lawler drops his first Wiley Coyote cam reference to a camera shot of Christian hitting an inverted DDT on Shelton off the ladder. Something tells me he’ll be making Looney Tunes references until 2020.


Shelton and Christian then trade blows, gold standard downs Mr. Peep and climbs up the ladder, only for Christian to pull the ladder out from under him, leaving Shelton dangling for 20 secs from the belt. A minute later the roles are reversed, and Christian is dangling midair. Shelton pulls him down for a powerbomb, only for Christian to reverse it into a hurricanrana. Spot looked slightly botched, but comes off all right since the two are insanely good athletes.


Both men are outside when Christian nails Shelton with the move Kofi blatantly stole from him, the pendulum kick. Shelton is sprawled out on the ladder resting from the apron to the announce table, and Christian frog splashes him right through the ladder. Christian rolls back into the ring, climbs the ladder and gets the W.


Winner – Christian

Hell of a match. Some moves were slightly botched, but regardless, these two did steal the show and put on the best match of the night.

Four out of Five Stars


Cole previews the main event, the TLC match between DX and Jerishow. He actually said the words “high flying match” in same words as HHH and Big Show, and Striker surprisingly did not smack him upside his head.


Second match of the evening is for the IC title, Drew McIntyre vs John Morrison ©.


This storyline began as Drew was named as Vince McMahon’s chosen one (a spot which worked so well for Elijah Burke). Drew also comes out to little reaction. Morrison comes out with much longer hair, no beard, and no parkour training. The announcers talk about the recent promo Morrison gave as William Wallace, one that I will always remember for Morrison damn near slicing his eye open with a sword.


Drew begins the match with a resthold, and I completely forget how green he was when he debuted. Good lord, Morrison’s parkour training better have prepared his back for carrying this bout.


Mac nails a big boot and hits some generic offense on Morrison, then goes for a side slam that Morrison turns into a spike DDT somehow. The former Johnny Nitro then goes for a spinning leg kick, which nailed the Scotsman in the chest. Bit of an awkward move there.


Both men go to the corner, and Drew actually hits a reverse Alabama Slam, his first pretty impressive move of the night. Both men roll outside, and Morrison hits a flying chuck off the ring apron. He rolls Drew in and goes for Starship Pain. Of course like always with this move, Drew is way too close to the bottom rope, and Morrison’s head ends up grazing Drew’s kidney.


As the ref pulls Morrison off Drew during the two count, Drew pokes Morrison in eyes, hits his Future Shock DDT, 1-2-3.


Winner and NEW IC Champ – Drew McIntyre


Three out of Five Stars


Okay match. Not as good as the one before it, but these guys have a bright future in the company. Also forgot how lame Mac’s generic music was. This was before there was a metronome he heard, that told him the end was coming near, since you never hear the shot that took him down…


Awkward Cole Lawler convo #2 for the PPV

Cole – Is Drew really the chosen one?

Lawler – Well he was chosen by Mr. McMahon.


Following the match, there was a promo given for Slammy Awards. Ah boy, poor future crowd won’t know what to expect. But remember it was the first hint that Bret Hart would come back to the WWE. Also remember it was spoken by Dennis Miller of all people


In the back, Sheamus walks up to Drew, telling him what he did was pretty impressive, but he wouldn’t be the only newcomer walking away from TLC with some gold. Small little hint at the UK dominance of the evening.


Mickie James is out next for match, coming out dressed like Pocahontas wearing jeans. This is when she was in the midst of the Piggy James angle. McCool comes out basically wearing a female version of Undertakers robe, hood and all. She stopped at challenging any UFC fighters to go, however.


Match #3 Mickie James vs Michelle McCool ©


As the match starts, Striker says Mickie is a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame. What Hall of Fame? Perhaps the Hall of Fame of WWE stars who are now famous for real life angles, joining the likes of Serena and Matt Hardy?


The two of them have a 30 sec headlock, and it just keeps going on to the outside. Back in the ring, the two exchange haymakers, and Mickie hits about three Thesz presses, including one from the top rope.


The announcers keep talking about Mickie’s weight, and it dawns on me why the WWE never signed Awesome Kong. The announcers wouldn’t be able to ever talk about the action in the ring.


Layla jumps on the apron, leading to a Mickie spin kick in the gut. Does standing on the ring apron ever end well? And as Mickie turns around, McCool boots her in the face and scores the win. So much for that…


Winner – Michelle McCool


Two and a half stars out of Five


Eh match. Seen better divas matches, seen worse. This time should be remembered as the birth and full fledged push of LayCool.


Next match was Cena vs Sheamus in a tables match. For those who forgot, Sheamus won a battle royal to get the spot, followed by Jesse Ventura turning heel on Cena for 40 seconds, leading to a Sheamus pump kick and drive through a table.


At this point, there was a huge push for the Celtic Warrior, with him driving Santino and Mark Cuban through tables, no doubt to the delight of David Stern.


Match #4 TABLES Match – Sheamus vs. John Cena ©


Sheamus comes out first, and I still think the first line of his theme song is, “It’s a shameful thing, Lobsterhead.” Cena then comes out to more boos than cheers, including one old man yelling “Boo-urns!” Striker says he is the most controversial pop culture superstar. Geez not even wrestler, all of pop culture? Poor Lady Gaga had to wear a dress made of meat to be controversial, all Cena had to do was come out for all his matches being as boring as possible. Go figure.


Cole says last time a champ was born outside the United States was Yokozuna. Huh? What about Edge or Jericho. Again I am amazed Striker hasn’t kicked him under the table, or stabbed him in the face with a pen for these comments. I should start watching these PPVs on mute.


Super early in the match, Sheamus goes for a table, Cena stops him and throws him into the announce table. Are those tables legal to end the match, or does it have to be the $6.50 tables the Dudleys buy from Home Depot?


The announcers talk up Sheamus as he pounds away on Cena, talking about how he ended Jamie Noble’s career. No word on what happened to the other Jung Dragons though. Sheamus then takes control of the match and nails a sweet looking running powerslam on Cena. He already seems much more adjusted to the ring life than Drew McIntyre.


Announcers talk up how Carlito made a promo the week before saying no one like Cena and looked forward to Sheamus beating him. How the mighty apple eater has fallen. Didn’t he cut his debut promo on Cena saying he would beat him, and now he’s looking forward to a pasty Irishman beating him? Well done sir.


Action goes to the entranceway, and Cena hits Sheamus with a suplex on the steel ramp. Sheamus sells it like a car crash. As the Celtic Warrior is prone on the steel, Cena tries giving a running powerslam to a table on Sheamus (No I did not write that wrong) but Sheamus rolled out of the way at the last minute.


Back in the ring, Sheamus hits Cena with that pump kick that has had like 5 names in 9 months, and tries to go for a Razor’s Edge through a table, but Cena gets out and slams Sheamus, leading to the You Can’t See Me fist drop. (And when he turns heel next month, how easy it’ll be for him to do that gesture to the crowd instead of his opponent).


Cena sets another table up inside ring and goes for top rope AA through table. Clumsily, Sheamus pushes Cena through table as he falls to the outside, and somehow that gets him named WWE champ. Granted I’m as happy to see Cena lose the belt more than most people, but my God man, at least count the lights for the young upstart.


Winner and NEW Champ – Sheamus

Three out of Five Stars


Was real happy to see the title switch, and the WWE try to push a new superstar. Would have liked to seen it happen in a more traditional fashion, but at least they made the title switch.


Next up Batista vs Taker in a chairs match. In this match, chairs are legal, but if any other weapons are used, they can be dq, count out. But just steel chairs are legal? What bout plastic lawn chairs? Adirondack chairs? Barber chairs?


CHAIRS Match – Batista vs. Undertaker ©


The Animal comes out first, leading to one of my favorite games – Will Taker’s entrance go over or under 3 min from Gong to Lights? I go over… And way over, this sucker was about 3 min 42 seconds, longer than most diva matches!


So these two aren’t even trying for wrestling moves in this one. The whole match is just the two of them swinging chairs, and somewhere Balls Mahoney is asking where this match was when he was in WWECW


Taker quickly busts out his legdrop to Batista on the apron. Funny moment is that this is when Cole calls Taker vintage. Taker then goes for Old School, and Lawler says, “Ah Cole, you already wasted the vintage line,” leading to a chuckle from Striker.


Batista and Taker continue to exchange chair shots, and following a Snake Eyes attempt, Batista nails Mean Mark with a spear and spinebuster on a chair, followed up by his patented Ultimate Warrior rip off rope shake.


He goes to grab Taker, who puts him into the GoGo Gadget Plata. Batista grabs the ropes, and as they get up, he shoves Taker into the ref, followed by a low blow and a vicious unprotected chair shot. Not as bad as Homicide to Rob Terry bad, or as bad as any Tanaka-Awesome chairshots, but one only Taker can get away with, and Batista gets the 1-2-3.


Winner and NEW champ – Batista


However Teddy Long comes out, says though you can beat your opponent lifeless with a chair, you cant nail him in the gonads, and he restarts the match.


Batista runs back to the ring with a chair, which Taker boots into his face, grabs him for the tombstone, and 1-2-3.


Real Winner – Undertaker


Two and a half out of Five stars. Okay match, given some completely weird stipulations.


Next match is Kofi vs Orton. The announcers recap Kofi giving the RKO racecar a new paintjob, and Kofi’s MSG boom drop from the crowd through Orton laying prone on a table.


This was the start of big push for Kofi, and had it not been for him badly screwing up the finish of that three way between him and Cena, maybe he would be a full fledged main eventer by now.


Kofi cuts a promo prior to the match, and truthfully I’m still thrown off when Kofi speaks, expecting a Jamaican accent. Only other wrestler who was ever able to switch like this was Jack Swagger going from a massive lisp, to well, a less massive lisp.




The crowd is cheering Orton early, think this might be when he “began” his face turn.


Match kicks off with armbars, patiently waiting for the first chinlock… and there it is about two min into the match following a scoop slam. Big RKO chants start up.


Kofi is able to regain momentum and goes for that move where he leaps over the opponents shoulders and does the ten count in the corner, except he never hits that one though cleanly, always gets caught up. It’s like his version of Starship Pain.


In a cool move, Kofi darts up the steps, leaps to the top rope, turns mid air as he goes for a body splash, and Orton nails him with a dropkick. Orton then dominates for a few minutes, including a suplex on the guardrail. Back in the ring, Kofi hits an SOS. That move always seems to hurt him more than the opponent though.


Kofi then goes through his moves of doom, hitting the double leg drop and the trouble in paradise kick, only Orton grabs the ropes. Oh no, Kofi is out of finishers, how is he ever gonna win?


And Orton grabs Kofi and plants him with a second rope DDT. Momentum switched back to the Legend Killer. In an awkward spot, Orton goes for the head punt, and Kofi blocks it with his forearm, which Orton happily punts instead. He sets up for the RKO, which Kofi ducks, Kofi goes for the Trouble in Paradise, which Orton ducks, and Randy nails an RKO for the win. Solid match, but following the bout, Orton has a look on his face like I cant believe how many moves he didn’t catch.


Winner – Randy Orton

Three out of Five Stars, and a precursor of sorts for how Randy would be unhappy with Kofi in their matches in the near future.


Cole said Kofi proves he belongs in the upper echelon of those who belong in the WWE. One year later and I’m not exactly sure he has budged from this position, maybe even went down a little bit.


Main event is DX vs Jerishow in a TLC match. Again, have to ask, how is this a high flying match with Big Show and HHH in it?


San Antonio site of this PPV btw, so Michaels got a nice hometown pop because of it. HBK ladies and gentlemen, the only man who the WWE chooses not to embarrass when they visit their hometown.


TLC DX vs. Jerishow ©


The action begins quick, with Jericho pairing off with Michaels and Big Show pairing with HHH. Big Show and HHH work their way to the back of the arena. If only they found the catering area and decided to stick around a little while, this match might have been decent with just HBK and Y2J in it.


Michaels quickly goes through his repertoire, with the flying forearm, kip up, and elbowdrop, which Jericho promptly gets his knees up for and nails HBK in the back. HHH returns to the ring and knocks out Jericho. DX then gives the ladder a double suplex on Jericho (again you read that right. What’s with the wrestlers giving the weapons high impact moves rather than their opponents?)


Big Shows tries to get back into the ring, but DX rams a ladder into his face, much like Big Show does to his own face with hoagies during his lunch breaks.


Jerishow take over the match, with Jericho bulldogging HBK onto a ladder, then Big Show hanging HHH in a tree of woe like move on the ladder, flinging HBK into the hanging upsidedown Mr. Chyna.


Big Show then takes HHH off the ladder and whips him into the ropes. Raise your hand if you guessed that Big Show ducked when HHH came at him. Great Job! Big Show gets a knee lift for his troubles, followed by a rolling DDT by HHH and an elbow drop from HBK.


Finishers a plenty are then traded, as Jericho nails a codebreaker on Michaels, HHH hits a spinebuster on Jericho and Big Show spears HHH. Big Show tries to climb ladder, but since this isn’t the super duper ladder he used from Money in the Bank, he had trouble getting up. DX promptly pulled him down and hit an assisted pedigree.


Jericho takes out HBK and tries to climb up, but HHH powerbombs him off. Hey pal, wait til Batista leaves the company in six months before taking his moves. Big Show then chokeslams HHH off the ladder.


Jerishow quickly sticks DX between the two sides of the ladder and repeatedly slams it down. Show actually rips the ladder off its hinges, leading Kofi Kingston to rub his chin in the back thinking about how those could be used as stilts on a later date…


The crowd then chants for tables, and I just realized they haven’t been used yet, making this more of an LC match. However I thought that thought too soon, as Big Show chokeslammed HHH into HBK and through a propped up table at ringside.



At this point, Jerishow realized that Christian and Shelton used up all the ladders earlier in the night, and Big Show had broken the only ladder left in the arena. Great going Captain Insane-o!


In a creative spot, Jericho stands on Shows shoulders, with Show holding Jericho’s hands for support, and the Transformer WWE wrestlers walk over to the tag belts dangling over the ring. However, DX comes back, and with no way to stop it, HBK superkicks Super Jerishow.


Awkward landing here though, as Jericho flies off Big Show’s shoulders and seemed like he was supposed to break through a table at ringside, only his face smacked the side of the table without it breaking. What is it about ladder matches that Jericho has with HBK that lead to his face getting wrecked? First his teeth, now this. If Jericho really wants a post-career job with VH1 counting down the Top 100 booties in music, he should stay away from HBK and ladders.


Now that Jerishow is vanquished, HHH grabs one half of the ladder, holds it in place, and HBK climbs it up and grabs the belts for the win. Surprisingly, this is the first time DX has held the title belts. Well without counting the New Age Outlaws, but following their stint as the Voodoo Kin Mafia, I try to forget most of their career.


Winner and NEW tag champs – DX

Three and a half out of Five Stars. Okay match, couple botched spots here and there, but the four veterans worked their tails off.


In Conclusion…


Solid PPV all around. Nice to see some new blood, not Christian’s face after that ladder match. This can be pointed as the birth of Sheamus’ career, the start of pushes for McIntyre and Kofi, and the downfall of Mickie James.


If you’ve made it all the way to end, congrats. You have a high threshold for wrestling PPV rants from nearly a year ago. This is Zach Morrison signing off. Have a good one!

(C) Copyright 2003-2010 - The Wrestling Fan/Sean Carless. All Rights Reserved.