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WELCOME TO
TWF LTR -
TODAY'S BREAKOUT IWC SUPERSTAR...UMM, TOMORROW?
CHALLENGE # 3
DVD RANT:
XPW HOSTILE TAKEOVER

 

Hello, everyone. I’m the Sexypants Straight Edge King of the IWC, otherwise known as DN Spunk, and this is my first of what I hope will be many rants/columns/reviews for TheWrestlingFan.com. When tasked with the challenge of writing a show review for this contest, I got a little worried. Although I am a lifelong wrestling fan and have many, many wrestling shows on tape and DVD, the fact is that most of the shows I have are on VHS in storage back in Washington, and I really don’t buy DVDs of the shows anymore (I am more about the collection/biography DVDs now). Fortunately, I did have a few at my disposal, and they just happened to be events that have never been recapped for TWF. This is one of those events.

 

Before I get to the review, a little back-story on this event, as it will help clue in those that didn’t see it (which will be most of you). In 2002, XPW a glorified California-based indy company that had gained nationwide notoriety due to its over-the-top depictions of sex and violence, resulting in a national VHS/DVD distribution deal. Run by real-life married couple Rob Zicari and Janet Romano (who also appeared on-screen as evil owner Rob Black and his wife, Lizzy Borden), XPW was called by some “porno wrestling” due to the fact that Zicari and Romano funded the company with money from their other company, the adult entertainment empire Extreme Associates (which also produced movies starring Borden herself). As Black and Borden, the couple ran roughshod over the promotion for most of its existence, until in 2002, when they had an on-screen falling out, resulting in Borden handing over Rob Black’s share of the company to former ECW World Champion Shane Douglas. Douglas then immediately won the XPW World title from California mainstay “White Trash” Johnny Webb, and announced that he and Borden were expanding XPW’s operations to the east coast and beyond, starting with Philadelphia’s Viking Hall, more commonly known as the ECW Arena (now known as the New Alhambra Arena). Douglas explained that, much like he had done with ECW, he was planning on taking XPW to new heights, and that he would be starting in the same way he started with ECW, by taking over the east coast.

 

While this storyline seemed cliché, there was a modicum of truth in Douglas’ words. Thanks to his name recognition and association with ECW, Douglas managed to get Viking Hall to sign an exclusivity contract with XPW, forcing ROH, 3PW, CZW and other companies-companies that regularly ran shows out of Viking Hall-to look elsewhere to book future shows. The show-aptly named “Hostile Takeover” ended up being a very solid show, and pointed to brighter things for the company. At the same time, it also became notorious for the aforementioned takeover of Viking Hall, but also due to one of the most gruesome injuries ever filmed at a wrestling show (which I will get into later).

 

 

And now, onto the show!

 

 

*Your host for the evening is Kris Kloss.

 

XPW’s Hostile Takeover-August 31, 2002

 

Match #1

Psicosis vs. “The Insane Luchador” Super Crazy

 

At the time, these two guys were two of the best luchadors on the planet. Now, Psicosis (as Nicho El Millionario) is seeing quite a bit of success in his home promotion of AAA, while Super Crazy seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth. Anyway, the match starts off with some trash talking and Psicosis giving Crazy the finger. We get a couple of unsuccessful collar-and-elbow tie-ups, until Psicosis pushes Crazy down. This leads to a head scissors, and a series of nice lucha moves by both, eventually leading to a stand-off and a round of “indy claps”. Another lucha series into a headlock by Psicosis, which Crazy then reverses into a headlock of his own. Shoulderblock by Crazy followed by a roll-up and a series of pin attempts by both. Both men kip up, and we get another round of “indy claps”.

 

The two luchas begin slapping and shoving each other. Psicosis eventually goes for a body scissors, but Crazy reverses that into a nice wheelbarrow suplex. Psicosis rolls to the outside, and is then dropkicked by Crazy into the barricade. Crazy tries for a plancha, but Psicosis sidesteps it and Crazy crashes into the guard rail. Psicosis then dropkicks Crazy on the floor. He rolls back in to break the count, but immediately goes back outside. Throws Crazy back into the ring and proceeds to chop him on the ropes. Irish whip attempt by Psicosis is reversed, leading to an attempted back body drop by Crazy. Psicosis reverses that into a Sunset Flip, only to have Crazy roll out of it and dropkick Psicosis in the face. Crazy’s got some tape on an apparent wound on his head, so we could see some blood.

 

Anyway, the previous series of moves is tried again, only when Psicosis thinks Crazy is going for the dropkick, crazy jumps over him and dropkicks him in the back of the head instead. Irish whip from Psicosis leads to him getting a kick right in the face by Crazy in the corner. Psicosis then tries a charge, but Crazy sidesteps him and Psicosis goes crashing to the floor. Crazy goes outside, kicks Psicosis in the head and hits a nice Asai Moonsault onto the floor. Crazy throws Cosi (I’m tired of typing his whole name) into the corner post, then gives him a really, really week standing Powerslam onto the ground. Another Moonsault by Crazy-this time off a chair-and it’s back into the ring with both guys.

 

We get the ten punches in the corner by Crazy, which of course has to lead to the fans counting along in Spanish. Shoulderblock by Cosi in the opposite corner, followed by another Irish Whip. Crazy handstands out of it, leading into another sunset flip for two. Clothesline by Cosi, followed by a bodyslam, and now Cosi’s going up top. Crazy meets him there and attempts a Superplex, but Cosi reverses it into a top rope gourdbuster. Cosi follows it up with a sloppy guillotine legdrop, and this one is over. WINNER: Psicosis

 

Rating: 2 stars. Not a bad match, but definitely not the best work out of these two guys. Super Crazy was definitely starting to slow down at this point, and you could really tell with this match.

 

Match #2:

Pogo the Clown vs. The Sandman

 

And now we get to see everyone’s favorite homicidal clown face off against everyone’s favorite drunken surfer-turned-badass. The odd thing about Pogo the Clown was that the wrestler behind the paint based the gimmick on serial killer John Wayne Gacy’s clown altar-ego, and he was STILL a fan favorite! Onto the match.

 

A brawl starts in the aisle as Sandman makes hiw way to the ring with Pogo hitting Sandman with a shovel and slamming him into the corner post. Match officially starts as Pogo gets Sandman into the ring and hits him with a reverse elbow. Apparently, the east coast crowd doesn’t favor Pogo as much as the west coast crowd, as a “You Fat Fuck!” chant begins. Clubbering by Pogo followed by a vertical Suplex. Sandman in the corner as he dodges an avalanche attempt by Pogo. Sandman hits some punches and attempts an Irish whip into the other corner, which Pogo reverses and successfully hits a corner clothesline. Another clothesline by Pogo as he tells the crowd to “eat my fucking shit” or something along those lines. Pogo climbs to the top, where Sandman tries to knock him off with some sloppy punches. Pogo knocks Sandman back down to the mat and matches those sloppy punches with a sloppy splash. Pogo gets a beer from the audience, drinks some, dumps some on Sandman, and spits out the rest. Pogo rolls out of the ring and walks around and attempts to blow a snot rocket on the audience in a nice moment, followed by yelling at the camera man with repeated F-bombs. Pogo then leaves the ringside area, and out of nowhere, ring announcer Ron Hed announces that this match has been deemed a No Contest. Huh?

 

Anyway, Sandman’s wife Peaches gets in the ring to console him, and then inexplicably runs to the back. She comes back to the ring with a beer, gives it to the Sandman, somehow bringing back to health as Kloss makes the obvious Popeye reference.

 

Rating: 1 star. This match was horrible. Sandman can work a decent match when his opponent is a decent worker. However, when you get him in there was an even bigger lumbering oaf than he is himself, it can only spell disaster.

 

Match #3:

XPW World Tag Team Championship-Champions Mexico’s Most Wanted (Damian 666 and Halloween) vs. The New Panthers (Smokey Carmichael and Malcolm XL)

 

Before the match starts, we get a promo from Smokey. I’m not going to transcribe the entire promo, but it basically went like this “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Shut the fuck up. Fuck K. Malik Shabazz. Smokey Charmichael. Fuck. Fuck. Malcolm XL. Fuck. Fuck.” On a side note, K. Malik Shabazz was the name Ron Killings (R-Truth) used during his very brief time in XPW. He worked the XPW show before this one as the leader of the New Panthers. His first show also ended up being his last show, as he left XPW to work for TNA. Mexico’s Most Wanted then enter the ring, looking like some bizarre amalgamation of the Hardy Boyz and an unused gang from The Warriors. We get a Spanish introduction by the tag champs. You may remember Damian and Halloween as jobbers in WCW, BTW. Anyway, the match starts with Malcolm Jamal Warner (Thanks, Kloss!) and Damian in an nice exchange of lucha moves. Damian rolls to the outside, where he is met with a really nice inside-out Moonsault from Malcolm. Halloween and Smokey are then somehow named the legal men (??), where Smokey is hit with two shoulder blocks and a clothesline. Kloss makes a Conrad Bane reference (Smokey does look like Todd Bridges) as Smokey reverses an Irish whip into a head-scissors, sending Halloween to the outside. Smokey shows off some nice high-flying moves of his own with a somersault plancha onto the outside. MMW decide they’ve had enough and begin to head to the back, but the Panthers cut them off at the entrance and we get a 4-way brawl on the outside. Back into the ring where MMW hit a 3 Stooges noggin knocker on the Panthers on the apron. Double hip toss on Smokey into the ring followed by a double Irish whip into the corner. Damian charges in with a butt splash, followed by a clothesline from Halloween. They then trip Smokey up and hit the wishbone on the corner because nut shots are funny.

 

Damian props a chair against Smokey’s head so Halloween can hit a running dropkick into it. Now Malcolm in the Middle is back in the ring where his is hit with a cool-looking double-team facebuster. MMW follows that up with a double dropkick to each side of Malcolm’s head and a two-count for Halloween. Halloween backs Malcolm into a corner, rips his shirt (seriously, what is it with luchadors ripping other men’s shirts? Watch any episode of AAA Sin Limite and I can guarantee it happens at least once an episode) and starts in with the chops. Malcolm reverses and begins his own chops, but eats a Superkick for his troubles and another two-count. Malcolm gets whipped into his own corner, blocks a charge and tags in Different Strokes, who then climbs to the top to hit a cross-body. However, Halloween catches him. Malcolm comes in with a missile dropkick on his own partner to send Smokey down into a pinfall attempt. Damian attempts to break up the pin with an elbow, but Smokey rolls away, causing Damian to elbow his own partner. We get a springboard splash from Malcolm and then a dog-pile pin attempt by the Panthers that gets 2.

 

MMW attempt a double clothesline, but it is dodged, and the Panthers send them to the outside under the bottom rope. The Panthers follow that up with a double diving plancha, and Malcolm has so much momentum he goes sailing into the crowd, which results in the first “Holy Shit!” chant of the night. Damian and Malcolm are back in the ring, where they trade blows. Malcolm goes to the ring apron and hits a nice springboard hurricanrana. He gets another hurricanrana in and holds on for the pin, but only gets two. Damian answers back with a clothesline and then takes Malcolm into the corner, where he hits a knee drop muscle buster that Kloss incorrectly calls the Martinete (which is what the Tombstone Piledriver is called in Mexico). Another two-count, but Smokey breaks it up. Back in the corner and Malcolm reverses a top rope hurricanrana attempt by knocking Damian onto the top rope. Again, nut shots are funny. Halloween comes in to attempt a Superplex on Malcolm, but that is reversed into a release gourdbuster. Malcolm attempts a cross-body, but Halloween hits a dropkick instead. Another pinfall attempt by Halloween, but it’s broken up by Todd Bridges once again.

 

Double clubbering in the corner by the Panthers, who Irish whip Halloween into the opposite corner. Malcolm hits a clothesline and bends down for Smokey to jump off his back, but Halloween catches him and powerbombs him onto Malcolm’s back. Damian comes in and gives Smokey a weak lucha Spinebuster and holds onto his legs. He begins to airplane spin Smokey, which leads to the “Montezuma’s Revenge” (combination spin and dropkick). Halloween goes for the pin, and this match is over. WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Mexico’s Most Wanted

 

Rating: 2 ½ stars. Although this match was slower paced than I would have liked, it was a solid outing for all four guys. MMW looked good despite their age, and Malcolm XL put in a solid performance. Not surprising for a guy trained by former ECW champ Mikey Whipwreck. Carmichael looked good, but this would pretty much be the last time he would be seen on a national stage.

 

Match #4:

King of the Death Match Championship: “The Hardcore Homo” Angel (wrestling in pajamas) vs. Champion “The Human Horror Film” Supreme

 

At this point in his career, Angel had really come into his own as a wrestler. After starting off with the gimmick of a flamboyantly gay wrestler to give homophobes something more to hate, he began to take off as a hardcore wrestler when, during several death matches, he showed he was willing to take Cactus Jack-like bumps. As a result, he turned into a cult favorite in the promotion, and is still one in California to this day.

 

Don’t expect a lot of scientific wrestling here, as XPW death matches are nothing but severe violence. Right off the bat, a fan is kicked off-screen is kicked out of the arena, and the rest of the crowd lets him have it (BTW-the crowd is pretty good size, especially considering it was an XPW show. I’d say there was at least 500 people in the building). Right off the bat, Supreme tries to hip toss Angel into a barbed wire board, but Angel lands short. A lock up, and Angel tries a failed hip toss into another barbed wire board himself. Kick to Supreme’s head, and Supreme rolls to the outside to accidentally walk across yet another wire board.

 

Back in the ring and another lock up. Supreme gets some clubbering in, and then tries another Irish whip into a wire board in the corner. Angel stops short, jumps over Supreme as he charges in, and hits a roll-up for two. Supreme is up and tries a clothesline, which Angel reverses into a half-Nelson while at the same time trying to push Supreme’s face into the board. Supreme answers with a back elbow to the head, to which Angel responds with a Superkick. The kick misses with Angel kicking the board instead as Supreme rolls to the outside for a breather.

 

Supreme grabs a chair from underneath the ring and gets back in with the chair. Angel meets him with clubs to the head, and then tries to Suplex Supreme into one of the boards. Supreme reverses and crotches Angel on the top turnbuckle. Angel begins to fall forward onto the board, to which Supreme tries to land in a chair shot. Angel sees it coming and climbs down to the floor. Kloss gets really un-PC by telling the fans at home to call Angel a “fag” and a “queer”. Then again, XPW was probably the most un-PC promotion in the country, so I shouldn’t be surprised. Supreme hits Angel with some clubs as he tries to get back in, followed by a Suplex attempt. Angel answers with some shoulders to the stomach and rolls over Supreme’s back, followed by a mule kick to the balls. Angel channels the spirit of Sabu by trying a double jump off the chair onto Supreme. Supreme catches Angel in a Powerbomb position, but Angel uses the momentum to snap off a hurricanrana onto the floor, which sends Supreme face-first into a barbed wire board and a bundle of light tubes. Ouch. Major botch there, and Supreme’s lucky he wasn’t blinded.

 

Angel gets back in the ring and attempts a running somersault plancha onto Supreme, but Supreme sidesteps it and Angel botches the landing, first bumping his hip on the apron and then falling back-first into the board and light tubes. Referee Patrick Hernandez attempts to help Angel get untangled from the barbed wire while Supreme just wanders around in the ring. Angel gets back in the ring where Supreme attempts to press-slam him. Angel fights out of it and charges off the ropes, only to be caught by Supreme, who then fall-away slams Angel from inside the ring to the outside onto yet another barbed wire board that has been propped up like a table. Supreme hits an elbow from the apron onto Angel, who is trapped under the board still. We get our first blood of the night, as Angel’s arms have been cut open.

 

Supreme suplexes Angel into a bed of light tubes, and we get yet another first, the first Kris Kloss “AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!” of the night. Supreme grabs a broken tube and starts carving into Angel’s face, and Angel is a bloody mess at this point. As if Angel hasn’t taken enough, Supreme follows this up with a release gourdbuster into one of the barbed wire boards. Supreme throws Angel into the crowd so he can so he and the referee can get the light tube bed into the ring. Angel’s back in the ring now, where Supreme clubs him some more. Supreme tries an Irish whip, but Angel very, very sloppily reverses it and ends with Supreme coming face-to-face with the light tubes (but he stops short). Angel tries an elbow, but Supreme rolls out of the way, with Angel landing in the light tubes yet again. “XPW!” chant breaks out as Angel reverses a powerbomb into a facebuster into the light tubes! Angel then cracks a couple of tubes over Supreme’s head for good measure, and now Supreme has got some nice color going. I think Kloss says it best when he says “Fans, this is fucked up!”

 

Supreme rolls to the outside and begins to walk to the entrance as Angel cracks two more light tubes over the back of Supreme’s head (Kloss: “Holy fucking shit!”) They begin brawling into the crowd, and the brawl leads into the ladies room where Angel gets a swirlie. Back into entrance area now, and Supreme is climbing a ladder into the crow’s nest (where Joey Styles used to do commentary from). Angel climbs up as well, and they are now brawling in the balcony. They trade unprotected chair shots to the head, and Supreme then climbs onto the ledge of the balcony and puts Angel into Powerbomb position. Kloss points out that there is a table covered in barbed wire below, and that Supreme must have planned this out ahead of time. But I thought this was all real, dammit?! Anyway, Supreme gets Angel up in the Powerbomb, and drops him in a SICK release Powerbomb down to the floor, through the table and barbed wire, as well as some light tubes that were also on there. I shit you not, it was at least a fifteen-foot drop. Supreme climbs back down the ladder and gets the pin and this one is mercifully over. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Supreme

 

Rating: 2 ½ stars. While this was exactly what a death match is supposed to be, I have seen a lot better from both men in this type of environment. Their match at the previous “Night of Champions” was more dramatic, with Angel being thrown off a scaffold, and

Supreme’s matches with Vic Grimes in 2001 were much more bloody (longer, too). Still, both guys did their best to entertain the crowd, and the crowd was definitely into this match from the get-go.

 

Before the next match, we are “treated” to a talk show segment called “The Juice Bar”, with your host, Juventud Guerrera. I have to admit, this segment is pretty funny. Juventud’s (who was still calling himself “The Juice” at this point, the result of another Vince Russo brainfart) English was still so bad and broken at this point that XPW featured subtitles for what he was saying. This segment was broken down into highlights (if I remember correctly, it went on really, REALLY long), but I will transcribe the subtitles for you, verbatim:

 

“Finally, the Juice has come back to Philladelphia ! If you

SMELLLLLLLLAOUGH! What the Juice, is cooking! This is a pleasure for the juice…to be in a juicy house! Tonight, XPW has been doing the best decision ever…TO BRING THE JUICE TO THE JUICY HOUSE. SHUT UP SHUT UP FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU AGAIN! FUCK YOU TWICE! YOU DON’T GET TIRED? SO SUCK MY DICK! All you fucking jabronies! And marks! What kind…what kind of respect is that?! You gotta respect…not the best one…not the great one…you gotta respect the Juicy One! You know why? Because he’s all about the Juice, baby! And the Juice is Loose! AND THE JUICE IS ON THE LOOSE! You know, I see a lot of…A lot of jabronies, a lot of jobbers…IN THE BACK! Try to get a match with the Juice…I don’t see any good talent in this building! Maybe because they are from Philly…I DON’T KNOW…I even see a Chris Chatty…A Chris Jabronie Chatty…’Oh, c’mon, Rob, let me have a match with the Juice! I know he’s the best, I wanna learn from him…LA LA LALA LAH!’ WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! I SAY FUCK YOU, SON OF A GUN! You want some of this? YOU WANT SOME JUICY, JUICY, JUICY JUICE?! I KNOW, LADY, YOU KNOW THE JUICE…YOU’RE THE BEST, I LOVE YOU! You see, there’s some really good juicy people in this town…not like all you suckers! It’s okay, I’m getting tired of all you suckers…SO LET’S HAVE SOME JUICY ACTION…THE BEST ACTION…THE NON-STOP ACTION, WITH THE JUICE MAN!”

 

At this point, Chris Chetti enters the ring.

“Hey, hey eh! The Juice is talking, okay?! Hey! First of all, this is the ‘Juice Bar’…(he’s holding a blender full of juice at this point) I don’t know what you trying to do…Okay, Chris Chatty or Chetti, whatever you are…I just got a question…And I know all these people want to know that…I just wanna ask you something…I JUST WANNA KNOW HOW FAR…CAN YOU DEEP THROAT?! ALL THE WAY?”

 

Let that sink in.

 

Match #5:

Chris Chetti vs. Juventud Guerrera

 

Chetti slaps Juvi after that last remark and the match is now on. Juvi punches Chetti and tries to Irish whip him. Chetti reverses and tries for a clothesline, but Juvi slides between his legs. Chetti turns around and lands a hook kick. Juvi hits an elbow off the ropes, and we have a stalemate. Both wrestlers begin trying to get the crowd behind them, and the crowd doesn’t seem into either. Test of strength time, Juvi rolls out of it into a knuckle lock. Juvi does a cartwheel into a go-behind, and now a side headlock. Chetti fights out, a couple kicks to the chest, and flips over into a rolling armbar, but Juvi lands right near the ropes. Chetti pulls him away, but Juvi gets a foot out nonetheless. Both wrestlers have shiny pants on, so it’s a tough call who will win. Shiny pants usually equals victory. Anyway, Juvi gets another headlock on, Chetti pushes him off into the ropes, and Juvi answers with a shoulder block. Criss-cross, leap frog by Chetti, attempted monkey flip, and then…the match cuts away for some reason. Apparently, this is only highlights. The fuck?

 

Fast forward, and Juvi trips up Chetti and goes for a pin. Chetti kicks out and tries the same move, with Juvi kicking out. We get another stalemate, and the crowd is shitting on this match. Juvi dropkicks Chetti’s knee, and gets some stompy-stomps in the corner. Now we get the chops in the corner, Irish whip and clothesline in the other corner. So far, this match is by the numbers. Juvi snaps off a Suplex and then…another cut away.

 

Back from the break, and Juvi hits that shitty Spinebuster that all luchadors do, followed by an incorrectly applied scorpion death lock. Chetti, selling it like a champ, tries to power out until Juvi lets go for no reason. Snapmare and a quick legdrop off the ropes gets two, and now Juvi applies a head scissors. And…we cut away.

 

We’re back! And Juvi is slamming Chetti on a table on the outside. He grabs the blender and dumps juice on Chetti. Back in the ring, and it’s Irish whip time. Chetti tries for a back body drop, but gets a kick to the chest. Juvi then goes for a body scissors, which he then turns into a bulldog. Powerbomb by Juvi next, as Chetti is getting no offense whatsoever. Juvi gets Chetti up into a northern lights bomb and now a stomp. Juvi climbs the ropes and connects with a weak Moonsault. Back to their feet, and Chetti reverses a “Juvi Driver” attempt into a small package for two. Juvi’s up first with a kick, grabs a Pumphandle and flips it into a facebuster. Juvi places Chetti in the center for the “Juicy Elbow”, but Chetti rolls out of the way. Back on their feet, Juvi takes a boot to the gut, and Chetti tries for the “Amittyville Horror” (fireman’s carry driver), but Juvi counters into a sloppy “Juvi Driver”. Juvi goes for the pin and that’s it. WINNER: Juventud Guerrera

 

After the match, Juvi continues stomping on Chetti, but is then attacked by Julio Dinero, who hits Juvi with “Electric Dreams” (twisting Suplex). Juvi no-sells it and is right back up, giving Dinero chops in the corner. Irish whip into the other corner, but Dinero lands on the ropes and hits a really shitty roundhouse that completely misses but Juvi sells anyway. Chetti is back up and they chase Juvi out of the ring.

 

Rating: 1 ½ star. This match sucked a dick, and it had nothing to do with all the cut-aways. Chetti just looked lost in the ring, and Juventud kept hitting sloppy moves. I’m guessing he was still a PCP addict at this point.

 

Match #6:

Triple Threat-Altar Boy Luke vs. “Vicious” Vic Grimes vs. Little Guido

 

Vic Grimes is the only one who gets entrance music in this match, as he was probably the only wrestler who wasn’t using a licensed song at the time. Kris Kloss correctly points out that the other two men in this match combined still probably don’t weigh as much as Grimes. Luke tries to bless Grimes before the bell, but is hip tossed for his troubles. Luke comes back with a kick, and now he and Guido are going at it. Off the ropes, Luke tries for a head scissors, but Guido reverses it into a facebuster. Grimes punches Guido, then goes for a whip on Luke. Misses with a clothesline, ducks for a back body, and Luke rolls right over him. Grimes misses with a back elbow, Luke goes off the ropes again and connects with a head scissors and a dropkick. Grimes is still standing until Luke just punches him out of the ring. Guido tries to attack Luke, but is hit with a sloppy flipping rocker dropper. Luke then hits a nice running swan dive flip onto Grimes, who is still outside the ring. Guido tries for a plancha, but misses everyone. Grimes throws Luke up in the air, who lands on the apron. He kicks Grimes in the head, then hits a springboard corkscrew plancha on both men.

 

Back in the ring, Luke tries for a dragonrana, but Grimes catches him and drops Luke into a cool-looking flapjack that saw Luke get thrown behind Grimes’ back. Grimes rolls it over into a backslide attempt, but Luke keeps kicking out. Guido gets back in the ring and hits a sloppy top rope elbow on Luke to break up the pin. Stompy-stomps by Guido, and another whip. Luke bounces off the turnbuckles into a dive, but Guido catches him and goes right into a fujiwara. Grimes breaks that up with a chair, and takes a chair to Guido. He wedges the chair into a corner and Irish whips Luke in, who slides, comes back at Grimes, ducks a clothesline and hits a kick. He goes for a whip into the other corner, but Grimes reverses and charges in. Luke jumps over Grimes’ back and onto his shoulders, spins into a hurricanrana attempt but Grimes drops him into a sit-out Powerbomb for a pin that Guido breaks up.

 

Guido with a wheelbarrow Suplex on Luke (Kloss calls it a German Suplex, and he is stupid). Guido and Grimes are now in the corner, and Guido tries a whip. Grimes reverses it, but Guido jumps as Grimes charges in, lands on Grimes’ shoulders, and head scissors him into the chair. Pin gets 2 before Luke breaks it up. Nice sequence there. Luke and Guido now trade chops, but Luke picks Guido up for a back Suplex that causes Guido to audibly whisper “shit”. Grimes is back up and he tries to Irish whip Luke into the corner with the chair. It’s successful, but the chair falls out of place. Luke ducks a charging Grimes and he hits the turnbuckles. What is with all of the failed Irish whips on this show? Luke hits a tornado DDT out of the corner, and now an inside-out Asai Moonsault for two before Guido interrupts again. Guido takes a clothesline from Grimes, and Grimes then catches Luke off a springboard Moonsault attempt. Grimes hoists Luke up in an inverted “High Cross” position in the corner, and hits a running sit-out driver. Pinfall attempt is broken up by Guido once again.

 

Guido and Luke double-team Grimes in the corner and Irish whip him into the opposite, but Grimes responds with a double boot. Grimes up to the top with a double clothesline now, and it’s back on Guido. Grimes hits the “Victimizer” (Backbreaker drop) on Guido, and he’s back up on the turnbuckles. Luke charges in, and Grimes goes for “Old School” with both wrists. He jumps and catches a leg lariat on one of Luke’s arm. Grimes is very agile for being so damn big. In another cool spot, Grimes picks up luke in gorilla press position, and spins him out into a chokeslam. Grimes goes for a strange arm submission on Luke, and Guido decides to lock in the “Sicilian Crab” at the same time. Luke taps out, and I just find out this is an elimination match. Okay.

 

Guido charges into the corner to go for a springboard twisting cross-body, but overshoots it and Grimes lands right on his head. These guys should not be fucking up such a basic spot. Grimes still sells it like he took the fall, and Guido gets a two-count. Grimes elbows Guido in the throat and now punches and elbows to Guido in the corner. Another whip and an avalanche by Grimes, and Guido is sitting in the corner. Grimes with the running ass splash into Guido’s face, and now a reverse diving headbutt out of the corner. Grimes begins climbing the ropes, and misses a corkscrew plancha off the top. Guido up top and hits a seated dropkick. Pin gets two, and both guys are back up. Grimes gets Guido up for a Powerbomb, but Guido reverses it into another fujiwara. Guido gets his foot on the ropes, and referee John Finnegan just stares at the foot blankly before finally breaking up the hold. Grimes misses a boot in the corner, and Guido turns it into a leg grapevine. Up once again, and more Irish whipping action. Grimes reverses it into an inverted Powerslam. It’s clubbering time now for Grimes,  and we get several Irish whip reversals before Guido gets in a victory roll out of a body scissors that gets 2. Grimes catches Guido off the ropes off a hurricanrana attempt, turns it into a “Styles Clash” and gets the three. WINNER: “VICIOUS” VIC GRI.MES

 

Rating: 2 ½ stars. Considering I had never really seen Luke wrestle before and Vic Grimes seemed out of his element with two smaller guys, this match was surprisingly good. I’m not sure why Grimes never caught on in the WWE, as he is incredibly agile for a 400-pound guy. Not only that, but he comes up with some creative spots/moves.

 

Match #7

Ladder Match for the Television Championship-Chris Hamrick vs. “Rock Superstar” Kaos (w/Veronica Caine and GQ Money)

 

Right off the bat, Money eats a nice sidekick from Hamrick. Match is on with a few reversals of all kinds. Kaos reverses a cross-body out of the corner into a Spinebuster. Kaos goes outside to grab a ladder. Hamrick moonsaults onto Kaos on the outside, who is still holding the ladder. Landing was nasty, as Hamrick hit his head on the ladder. Back in the ring, Hamrick locks in a pendulum. Not that it matters, since submissions don’t count. Money comes in, but Hamrick locks them both into an Indian death lock/dragon sleeper combination. Some chops in the corner, and Hamrick reverses an Irish whip into a roll-up, and then looks confused when the referee doesn’t count the pin. Probably because pins don’t count in ladder matches. Probably. Kaos kicks out and hits a rotating Powerslam. Kaos gets a ladder from Money and puts it on the ring post before getting crotched on the top by Hamrick. Hamrick spins the ladder on the post, resulting in Kaos getting hit in the head. Kaos is now in the tree of woe, and eats a legdrop. Hamrick with a chair in now. He places it on Kaos face (still in the tree), grabs the ladder, and just throws it into the chair. He turns the ladder around, goes to the opposite corner and hits a missile dropkick into the ladder into the chair. Veronica Caine distracts Hamrick by pretending to give him a blowjob (I’m sure she did it for reals later), and then bites his nuts. Kaos, who is now busted open, hits a sloppy cutter on a chair after Hamrick turns around.

 

Kaos picks Hamrick up into the electric chair position, and GQ Money hits a leg lariat on Hamrick off the top rope. The move looked cool, but the landing sucked. GQ Money throws another bigger ladder into the ring, which Kaos sets up on its legs in the corner. Bodyslam by Kaos, who begins climbing the ladder. Kaos climbs most of the way up and hits a beautiful Moonsault that misses. Kaos and Hamrick trade kicks and punches before Hamrick winds up in the corner again. Kaos tries to avalanche him with the ladder, but misses, and Hamrick responds with a kick that knocks Kaos out of the ring. Hamrick has the ladder up in another corner and is climbing, but Kaos climbs up the other side and hits a nice blockbuster off the ladder. Caine is back up on the apron, distracting the referee with her huge breastases. Kaos is on the middle rope while Kaos climbs the tall ladder again. Hamrick knocks him off before he gets to the top, and Hamrick crotches Money on the turnbuckles. He picks up Money and seems to be going for a Superplex, but turns it into the “Dixie Driver” (Suplex into a stunner) instead. Very cool spot.

 

Hamrick turns around right into a ganzo bomb from Kaos, and Kaos is setting up the tall ladder once again, but on the side you’re not supposed to climb. Kaos realizes his mistake and gets pissed at the referee instead. Serves the referee right for not doing anything. I guess? Anyway, Kaos goes back to the turnbuckles for a 450 splash, but misses. Hamrick props a shorter ladder on the turnbuckles, hits a couple loud chops on Kaos, tries to Irish whip him into the ladder, but it is reversed. Kaos grabs another short ladder and tries to spear it into Hamrick. Hamrick gets his legs up and the ladder gets caught in the rungs of the other ladder. Neckbreaker by Kaos, and he goes for the tall ladder yet again. He sets it up in the middle of the ring under the belt, and once again climbs the wrong goddamn side. Hamrick, showing sense, climbs the correct side, and they punch each other at the top. Hamrick rams Kaos’ head into the top of the ladder, and Kaos bumps all the way to the canvas. Hamrick starts to grab the belt, but then decides to try a diving legdrop that misses. Superkick by Kaos, and Hamrick falls on the ladders propped in the corner. GQ Money throws a third small ladder into the ring, Which Kaos tries to spear down on Hamrick’s head. Hamrick once again moves out of the way, and this ladder gets stuck between the rung of the second ladder. The three ladders in the corner are kind of in the shape of an inverted ‘A’ right now, if that helps. Maybe it doesn’t. I don’t care. Fuck you, this is my review.

 

Kaos props Hamrick up on the ladder in the corner and tries for a hurricanrana, but Hamrick reverses it into a release Powerbomb into the other ladders on the formation, completely bending one of the ladders. Again, very cool spot. It was later dubbed the “Craftmatic” by someone online, and I think it’s a fitting name. Hamrick goes back to the tall ladder, which is still in the center, but GQ Money knocks the ladder down, sending Hamrick to the outside, where Hamrick misses landing through a table. Kaos, with the help of Money, begins climbing the ladder. He gets to the top, grabs the belt, and this one’s done. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: “Rock Superstar” Kaos

 

Out of nowhere, Danny Doring runs into the ring and begins attacking Kaos. He hits the “Bareback” on Kaos before Money attacks him. Doring takes a couple punches before picking Money up into a Powerslam position which he then swings into a DDT. Doring then focuses on Veronica Caine, who gets down on her knees for the fellatio spot again. Doring doesn’t fall for it, and picks Caine up for a shitty Tombstone. Doring then tells Kaos “Wrong place, wrong time”, and then says he wants the TV title. Heat Wave ’99 promo this ain’t.

 

Rating: 3 stars. This match was actually very good. Hamrick and Kaos are two extremely underrated workers who have should have been working in either WWE or TNA years ago. This was one of several matches they had in XPW, and all of them were good.

 

Match #8-Main Event:

XPW World Championship-Champion “The Franchise” Shane Douglas (w/Lizzy Borden) vs. Terry Funk

 

Funk begins the match by throwing a ton of chairs into the ring. Douglas gets out of the ring, so Funk starts throwing chairs at him. Funk pulls Shane’s tights down as he tries to get back in the ring, and they’re brawling at ringside and into the crowd. Funk and Douglas start brawling at the concession stands, with Douglas going through a table that breaks after the second try. Funk then dumps trash from two cans all over Douglas, and then hits Douglas repeatedly with a video camera before throwing it against a wall. Douglas gets thrown head first into a post that’s in the middle of the building, then crushes a beer can on his head. Shane’s bleeding.

 

The brawl continues outside the arena where Funk repeatedly tries to break a beer bottle on a wall that doesn’t want to break. He finally gets the bottle broken and appears to ram it into Douglas’ face. A few moments later, Funk is holding his own arm (this will be the injury I mentioned further). Funk is cussing about his arm, and the referee is trying to get the match back inside. Douglas is now in the dominant position, and we get our first look at Funk’s arm. I shit you not, his forearm muscle is stick out through the skin through a cut that’s nearly half a foot long. Douglas is just ppounding on Funk, probably to stall. He hits a piledriver on Funk, but Funk kicks out. Douglas starts pounding on Funk’s arm with a chair, and the referee calls the match over. WINNER AND STILL WORLD CHAMPION VIA REFEREE STOPPAGE: “The Franchise” Shane Douglas

 

After the match, we get a close-up of the arm as Funk is trying to bandage it, and it is one disgustingly nasty cut. Funk, the crazy bastard that he is, continues to try to sell for the crowd by going after Lizzy Borden. He drops her with a piledriver, and then proceeds to rip her panties off (in the meantime, her tits had already fallen out). He then chokes Douglas with Lizzy’s underwear and follows that up with a few punches with his good arm. After a few stomps, this show is over.

 

Rating: 1 star. I wanted to give this no stars since it really never even got started, but I’ll give it one if for no other reason than Terry Funk showed how tough he is by trying to continue with a severe injury, and the fact that Lizzy Borden got naked.

 

The Kris Kloss “AAAAAAAGGHHHH!!!!” of the Night: Either Supreme’s Powerbomb on Angel or Chris Hamrick’s “Craftmatic” bomb on Kaos. Both spots were pretty nuts.

 

The Larry Rivera “Bilent Crap” of the Night: The Juventud/Chetti match was terrible Just flat out sucked.

 

The “What If?” Award: What if XPW had continued putting on shows like this? My guess is they would still be in business and would continue to be a successful indy promotion.

 

This was probably XPW’s best show of all-time. Save for the Juvi/Chetti match, all of the matches on this card were pretty enjoyable, and even though the main event wasn’t really a match, it was still a major spectacle, and a match that wrestling magazines (specifically PWI) and websites talked about for a long time afterwards. It’s sad that this was when XPW started putting on really good shows, as they were only around for a few months longer before financial and legal problems shut the company down.

 

 

Well, until next time, this has been DN Spunk. Keep watching the skiis!

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