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TWF LTR -
TODAY'S BREAKOUT IWC
SUPERSTAR...UMM,
TOMORROW?
CHALLENGE # 3
PPV RANT:
WWF SURVIVOR
SERIES 1993
This pay
per view holds a special place in my cold, hell bound
heart. For one thing, this was the first pay per view
that I ever watched; I had convinced my parents that
paying $35 dollars to watch a fat guy named Booger beat
the shit out of four guys dressed up like circus clowns
was a sound investment. Apparently they were drunk when
they decided to go through with buying the PPV, but my
young mind failed to dwell on that unsavory element to
focus entirely on watching my favorite wrestlers LIVE
and IN LIVING COLOR!. Sadly, the PPV in question turned
out to be a colossal piece of shit, but I was young and
naïve and spent most of my free time reading Goosebumps
and sucking on batteries so really, I was one step away
from being clinically retarded. Regardless of the
quality of the PPV, I still told all my friends at
school how awesome it was in a bid to impress them.
Sadly, this was when wrestling was actually less cool
than Troll Dolls, so no one raised the roof when I made
this revelation. Unless it had tits or came in POG form,
4th grade boys couldn’t give a flying fuck when it came
to a 500 pound Samoan pretending to be Japanese. In
retrospect (and after years of therapy), I’m inclined to
see their point.

Live from Boston,
MA. Your hosts for most of the night are
Vince McMahon in full-blown carnival barker mode on
play-by-play with Bobby “The Brain” Heenan on color, in
what turned out to be the last pay per view he would do
with the WWE until the Gimmick Battle Royale at
Wrestlemania XVII. Heenan worked best with Monsoon, but
he definitely has chemistry with McShill. At the very
least, you knew The Brain would say something funny to
offset Vince’s near constant stream of inane horseshit
like “1, 2, he got him NO he didn’t!” and “I swear
officer, Snuka’s girlfriend just fell off the balcony on
her own initiative!” Razor Ramon, Marty Jannetty, The
1-2-3 Kid, and “Macho Man” Randy Savage vs. IRS, “The
Model” Rick Martel, Diesel, and Adam
Bomb In the annals of cheap
heat, IRS putting down the crowd by calling them “tax
cheats” and threatening them with audits is somewhere
between Rick Rude calling people fat and that one time
that Ludvig Borga astutely pointed out that America
smelled bad. I would also be remiss in not noting
Jannetty’s HIDEOUS outfit, which looks like something
out of a 1980s porno set at an aerobics class.
Originally Mr. Perfect was on the face team but thanks
to a wonderfully insightful explanation from Ramon
(“Perfecto was so perfect, he tagged out”) we get Savage
instead. Razor starts out with Martel, jockeying for
position and trading arm wringers and hammerlocks before
slapping the prissy Martel. The crowd is RABID for
Ramon. An Irish whip to the corner leads to Martel
trying a flying crossbody and getting caught by the Fake
Cuban for two. Martel is whipped to the ropes again
before trying another cross body before getting
blockbuster slammed by Ramon. Cover gets two. Martel
fights back before being atomic dropped into the face
corner for additional punishment. Clotheslines from
Razor leads to Martel tagging out to Bomb. (Heenan:
“Bomb’s bigger than I.R…than Razor Ramon!” Vince:
“Astute observation from the Brain!”). Bomb tosses Ramon
around the ring to demonstrate his bad ass street creed.
Side Headlock from Razor leads to Bomb shoulderblocking
him to the mat as the crowd starts a “Razor” chant. And
now for the time honored tradition of WWF matches from
this era: The TEST OF STRENGH. In the days before Red
Bull, this was the best time for Razor to shake off all
those pesky hangovers, so it goes on for a long fucking
time. Ramon fights out and impressively suplexes Bomb.
Martel tries to save the pin but fucks up royally,
leading to the heels all fighting with each other for a
bit. Even Harvey Wippleman, who makes Kelly Kelly look
like Finlay in the toughness department, gets his bony
ass handed to him. This all leads to Kid getting in and
putting a headlock on Bomb before promptly getting
shoulderblocked. A sunset flip from Kid leads to Bomb
rudely picking him up and slamming him. Diesel comes in
and just hurls poor Kid half way across the ring. A gut
wrench suplex from Diesel nearly kills Kid as the crowd
“oohs” and “aahs” over the carnage. Kid is doing a
fantastic job selling, as it should be pointed out that
Diesel was still “Shawn Michaels’ bodyguard” at this
point so nobody really gave a shit about the guy but now
the crowd totally buys him as a monster. A big boot
leads to Diesel’s 5th most used move (adjusting his
glove). Amazingly, Diesel hadn’t even debuted what would
become his most commonly used move (flipping his hair)
since he only really did that when he was a face. An
Irish whip leads to Kid headscissoring Diesel before
making the hot tag to Savage. The Macho Man beats the
living shit out of everybody before clearing the ring
and delivering a flying elbow to a prone Diesel. A cover
makes it academic and Diesel is out at 10:18. Martel
immediately jumps Savage afterward, leading to a back
body drop from Savage. Tag out to IRS, which leads to an
“Irwin” chant. I think the problem with IRS is at the
end of the day, no one will ever consider a guy named
Irwin much of a threat. Well, that, and the fact that he
wrestles in a tie like a complete moron. A crossbody
from Savage leads to a two count. Clotheslines from
Savage keep Irwin down before Ramon tags back in. A
wristlock allows Razor to control the flow for a bit. A
headlock follows before Ramon gets kicked in the back by
Martel to give the heel team the advantage. Some quick
double teaming leads to some quick tags from Martel and
Bomb, as the heels slowly wear down Ramon. IRS switches
out of a chinlock with Martel without tagging him in,
which would have had Gorilla Monsoon shitting a brick if
he was on color. After breaking free, Ramon nails Martel
with a high knee (complete with slap to the thigh for
that extra realism factor) but The Bad Guy fails to
capitalize quickly enough. IRS gets back in but Ramon
fights back with punches before tagging in Savage. A
snake eyes and several bodyslams put IRS down, but Crush
shows up at ringside. Savage immediately focuses all his
attention on Crush before getting his ancient ass rolled
up by IRS for the pin at 16:43. I imagine the word
“focus” doesn’t enter into Savage’s vocabulary too
often. A pissed off Savage heads off to the backstage
area to search for the asshole who cost him the match,
leading to such epic moments of wonder like Savage
shouting “Where’s Crush?” about 20 times and kicking
over a trash can in mild rage. Considering that Savage
would go into berzerker mode when someone stole his
beloved cowboy hat, this is not his finest hour of
acting. Back at ringside, Bomb controls Jannetty with
power moves before Martel tags in. We get the hoary
“abdominal stretch with outside interference” from
Martel and Bomb, as I patiently wait for “popping a
kid’s balloon” to complete my Lame Heel Tactics Bingo
card. The ref breaks it up, leading to Razor
coming in and battling IRS. A chokeslam from Razor
knocks IRS silly, leading to the Razor’s Edge. IRS is
pinned and gone at 19:32. Martel charges back in with
punches before everybody suddenly runs into the ring and
brawls. Ramon looks to hit the Edge again on Martel, but
that devious IRS comes back in and nails Ramon with his
steel briefcase (what was even in that thing anyway? I
always imagined that he had a lot of pencils in there
for some reason). Razor tumbles out of the ring and gets
counted out at 20:40, making everything even between the
teams. Kid and Martel begin trading leap frogs and
cartwheels, as Heenan advises Martel to use Oreos and
milk to distract the eerily pre-pubescent Kid. It’s hard
to look at the clean shaven Kid without a tinge of
sadness, knowing that he would eventually grow up to
resemble a wet rat who apparently has no problem chowing
down on Chyna’s crawdaddy sized clit, but there’s more
depressing things to worry about later on in this show
so it’s best to remove that thought from your brain as
quickly as you can. Kid eventually goes for a tope
suicida on a recently tagged in Bomb, but Bomb easily
catches Kid and slams him to the cold, hard blue mats. A
sweet slingshot clothesline knocks Kid out, but Kid
manages to gain some momentum with a small package that
gets a quick two count. Kid begins firing back with
kicks, but Bomb is unfazed and drags Kid back into the
heel corner before tagging out. A gourdbuster gets two
for Martel. Martel tries for a double axehandle, but Kid
punches him in the gut before making the rather lukewarm
tag to Jannetty. Jannetty hits Martel with dropkicks and
a knee to gut before tagging in the Kid back in. Martel
reverses an Irish whip and sends the Kid into the
corner, but he flips over into a sunset flip to get a
three count and send Martel packing at 25:48. Bomb tries
to grab the wily Kid before he tags out to Jannetty
again, leading to another sunset flip (the staple of
cruiserweight wrestling at the time) to get rid of Bomb
at 26:02. Survivors: Marty Jannetty and
the 1-2-3 Kid Rating: ***. A fast paced
opener that the crowd really got into. Nothing
spectacular or worth illegally downloading, but you
could do a lot worse (like everything else on this show,
for instance). To the back, Todd
Pettengill, who resembles the unholy union between a
prop comedian and a goblin, interviews Shawn Michaels. A
quick history lesson: Jerry Lawler was supposed to
continue his feud with Bret Hart tonight, but rape
allegations forced him to miss his match, necessitating
Shawn Michaels being hastily added at the last minute.
Michaels tries to his best to be a giant prick by
running down the entire Hart clan but he’s fighting an
uphill battle here since he has no real beef with Hart,
apart from fighting him over a year ago at Survivor
Series 1992 (something that everybody had forgotten
about up until now). Oh well, at least they tried to
salvage the angle, so I’ll give them points for
tenacity. Meanwhile, further in the back,
Family Feud host Ray Combs presents us with the first
dead person sighting of the evening, as the
preternaturally cheerful game show MC ended up hanging
himself with his own belt after his career fell apart
and his wife left him. What a delightful image! Bret and
his clan talk about how offended they are at Michaels’
comments, although pointing out that Stu Hart is ancient
isn’t that all that shocking, given the fact that the
faces on Mt. Rushmore look less weathered than Stu’s
wrinkly mug. Further hampering this moment is the fact
that Bruce Hart looks like a complete putz with his
Terminator glasses and floppy blonde hair cut.
Thankfully he keeps his mouth shut, unlike Keith Hart,
whose droopy mustache, ill fitting clothes, and unmanly
voice screams “assistant manager at Perkins” rather than
“badass Hart brother”. Let’s soldier
on. Meanwhile, Ramon, Jannetty, and Kid
search for the AWOL Savage. Ramon notes that “We ain’t
here to jive, we’re here to survive!” which sadly never
really took off as a catch phrase for the event. Also,
Ramon didn’t even survive his own match so his sentiment
isn’t exactly correct, but his “third grader
impersonating Tony Montana accent” makes me laugh so
I’ll forgive the guy. Bret “Hitman” Hart, “The
Rocket” Owen Hart, Bruce Hart, and Keith Hart vs. “The
Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels, The Black Knight, The
Red Knight, and The Blue
Knight For the purpose of
edification, the knights are Jeff Gaylord, Barry
Horowitz, and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, respectively,
all wearing gaudy knight costumes and executioner masks,
which is either highly original or lamer than FDR. I’m
leaning towards the latter. Before we even begin, we get
Ray Combs haranguing a bored pissless crowd about how
great the Harts are, how evil and stupid Shawn Michaels
is, and making sure to individually introduce every
single fucking member of the Hart brood to the audience.
He even tosses in some “Your Momma is so ugly!” jokes,
which are so hilarious that the crowd collectively yawns
at each one. Oh, and Combs joins Vince and Bobby for
commentary, and he spends most of his time laughing at
Heenan’s hilariously cruel jokes made at the expense of
Stu Hart. Well, someone’s having fun at least. To
the match, as Michaels starts off with Bruce. Side
headlock leads to a quick tag out to Red before both
heels collide after some miscommunication. Michaels tags
back in before fucking up again, running into his
partners for a second time as Keith Hart gets brought
in. Keith gets Shawn into a wristlock before the two
reverse off that for a bit while Vince apologizes for
Keith’s ultra pedestrian wrestling style by noting the
guy has “ring rust”. When even McMahon is ragging on
you, you probably suck. Keith continues to work on
Shawn’s arm, as Heenan continues to point out that Stu
Hart is, in fact, older than fucking dirt. Shawn tags
out to Red, who gets his arm worked over by Keith. Owen
tags in and continues the punishment of the arm, pulling
out his trademark “flip out of a wristlock” sequence
before armdragging Red. Tag out to Black (the heavy of
the team), who promptly gets hiptossed into the face
corner for some weak punishment from the Harts. Blue and
Bret get tagged in, as Bret gives him an atomic drop and
a quick clothesline before tagging in Keith again.
More arm wringing as Bruce gets in, but finally the
heels gain control after Shawn knees him in the back.
Tagging in, Shawn drops some elbows as this match starts
to drag. Red gets in and does a double hook suplex,
which is the most impressive move any of the knights
have done so far. If I didn’t know any better I’d say
the Red Knight was William Regal based on his technical
prowess! I would also say that The Blue Knight is Matt
Hardy, but I base this observation solely off of his
massive gunt. Anyways, Black gets in and punches a
bunch. Michaels tags back in and kicks Bruce. Eventually
Bruce tags out to Bret, who finally wakes up the crowd
by utilizing all of his Five Moves of Doom on Black. A
tag to Owen leads to a pier six brawl, as the heels are
all whipped into each other before Owen nails Black with
a missile dropkick for the pin at 10:30. Owen
continues with Red, working on his legs for a bit before
Bret is tagged in to perform a wishbone. Bret tags out
to Bruce, who continues lamely kicking Red’s leg. To
Red’s credit, he actually sells the leg work by hobbling
around the ring, but that doesn’t change the fact that
Bruce and Keith Hart should not be in control for
extended periods of time because their wrestling style
is really dull. Blue tags in and gains the advantage,
giving him a “Weenie Slap” (courtesy of Combs), before
going into Hammer Default Mode #1 (e.g. dropping a shit
ton of elbows). Shawn is tagged in and nails Keith’s
shoulder with a double axehandle. Shawn yanks on Keith’s
arm a bunch as I suddenly realize that Keith selling is
actually worse than Keith on offense. The knights
continue to pound on the shoulder before Shawn misses a
splash, allowing Bret to tag in. Bret casually catches a
charging Red and places him into the Sharpshooter for
the quick submission at around 18:00. Blue rushes in to
gain the advantage, tossing Bret to the floor for some
punishment from Shawn. A suplex gets two on Bret. Shawn
comes back in and whips Bret into the corner as the back
becomes the focus for the moment. Shawn drops knees onto
Bret’s back for a two count. Cyclone elbow gets two. A
headlock on Bret slows things down some more. Blue comes
back in for Hammer Default Mode #2 (e.g. throwing a shit
ton of chops) before Bret regains the advantage with a
flying clothesline before tagging in Owen. Owen nails
Blue with a ten punch in the corner before delivering a
double noggin knocker on Blue and a nosy Shawn. In an
inspired moment, the cowardly Shawn flees right into the
arms of the grizzled Stu, who knocks him silly with a
punch. Shawn sells it as if he was punched by Popeye the
Sailor Man before getting hit with a plancha from Owen.
Crossbody on Blue gets a two, before Owen and Bruce
double clothesline Shawn out of the ring (another
impressive bump from Shawn). Dazed, Blue gets pounced on
by Owen, who hooks the Sharpshooter and gets rid of him
at 23:44. Shawn returns to the ring and gets punched by
all the Harts. Bruce tags in and gets two off all of
that. A missed charge allows Shawn to take control,
nailing Bruce with a superkick (not yet established as
his finisher), giving him a two. Bruce fights back and
tags in Bret, who gives Shawn an atomic drop and a
slingshot into the corner, as Shawn tries his best to
make this match somewhat exciting. Bret drops some
elbows before tagging in Owen, who hits Shawn with a
release suplex for two. A woozy Shawn knocks Owen into
Bret, hurling Bret into the guardrail and allowing Shawn
to school boy Owen for the three count. Owen gets pissy
as the Harts comfort the injured Bret, storming out in a
huff as Bruce comes in with a clothesline on Shawn.
Shawn escapes from a headlock as both guys lie around
selling their beatings. Keith gets tagged in and hooks
Shawn in his deadly finishing hold, the abdominal
stretch (no, seriously, that was the guy’s finisher. It
was simpler back in the 80s), but Shawn tosses him off
in an impressive bit of strength. Bret is tagged in,
flipping Shawn into the corner and doing that bit where
he knocks Shawn on the top rope and yanks the rope up
and down a bunch, presumably crushing poor Shawn’s
nutsack. Did that “move” ever have a name? Oh, “riding
the horsey”, if I follow what Combs just said. Bret goes
for the Sharpshooter but Shawn slides out of the ring
and takes the countout loss at 30:56. Fuck that was
long. Sadly, the celebrations are short lived, as Owen
returns to the ring to bitch at his brothers for a bit.
The Harts leave him in the ring to stew, as the
inevitable heel turn looms in the near future for Owen.
Another thing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving: Owen
would no longer wear those awful faded neon colored
baggy pants with the checker flag suspenders, as one of
the benefits about heel turns is that there is always an
upgrade in clothing (except for IRS. He always looked
like a fucking nerd).
Survivors: Bret Hart, Bruce Hart, and
Keith Hart Rating: *1/2 Really boring with
way too many slow patches. The crowd was deader than my
dick while watching The View, and the only bright spots
were Heenan unleashing a torrent of abuse onto the Harts
and Shawn bumping like a meth addict.
We get a video explanation behind the feud
between the All-Americans and the Foreign Fanatics.
Undefeated Native American Tatanka finally loses a match
to Ludvig Borga, who beats him with a chair before
pinning him with one finger. “Out of nowhere” Yokozuna
appears (how does that one work? I’d imagine it’s pretty
easy to know where Yokozuna is, considering that he
weights 500 lbs and moves with the grace of a walrus)
and delivers several Banzai Drops to the now legally
dead Tatanka. Lex Luger tries to make the save but is
ambushed by the Quebecers, as Todd Pettengill calls the
whole thing “a conspiracy”. Considering that Borga,
Yokozuna, and the Quebecers were already America hating
foreigners at this point, maybe conspiracy isn’t the
right word here, since the whole thing is about as
shocking as me beating my dick raw whenever my Dad gets
Cinemax for a monthly preview. But fear not wrestling
fans, as Luger introduces the suddenly patriotic
Undertaker as the newest member of the All-American
complete with an American flag sewn into his coat to
really sell the bit. Eh, at least it’s better than
having Tatanka on your team, since his matches mostly
consisted of chopping and “going on the warpath” and who
would have had me “smoking the peace pipe” if he was
involved in the main event tonight. Well, it’s The
Survivor Series, you got to do everything you can to
survive this garbage. The plot thickens (like Yokozuna
after a trip to the Sizzler), as Luger takes out
Quebecer Pierre thanks to his stainless steel forearm,
resulting in The Foreign Fanatics adding Crush into the
mix. It’s worth noting that Crush is actually from the
dreaded foreign nation of Hawaii, but that’s a minor
quibble since Vince apparently thinks I do not have
access to either a globe or a fucking map.
Smokey Mountain
Tag Team Championships: The Rock N Roll Express (c) vs.
The Heavenly Bodies Jim
Ross and Gorilla Monsoon join us on commentary, probably
because JR is the only one who could possibly explain to
WWF fans why they should give a flying fuck about the
Rock and Roll Express. As part of a deal with McMahon,
Cornette provided his services as the mouthpiece for
Yokozuna (since Fuji’s Charlie Chan accent wasn’t
packing the buildings in at this point) while allowing
the Smokey Mountain Tag Team Championship to be defended
at Survivor Series. This is all well and good for Smokey
Mountain fans, but the WWF fans still have no idea who
any of these guys are at this point and they remain
largely mute throughout the whole endeavor as a result.
A brawl abrupts, leading to a tope suicida from Ricky
Morton onto both Bodies, as Jim Ross rags on Cornette’s
fashion sense (“don’t adjust your television sets!”)
while name dropping the Midnight Express. Gibson
starts out with Del Ray, using a headlock and
headscissors to keep him down. Morton comes in and gives
both Bodies a ton of hiptosses, leading to a pair of
monkey flips in the corner to absolute silence from the
crowd. I don’t blame them, it’s hard to get behind two
guys who look like they should be manning the Tilt a
Whirl at the Jones County Fair. The Expess then set the
Way Back Machine to 1985 and whip out the Row Your Boat
spot, which even as a child I thought looked ineffective
and silly. For those at home who have no idea what
I’m talking about, imagine something you’d see in a
Pilates class and you’re on the right track. The Express
double team Pritchard with uneventful leg work. Del Ray
tags in as the nostalgia tour continues with a double
noggin knocker being utilized by the Express. I should
note that Del Ray looks like Sheamus’ inbred cousin from
Asslick, Kentucky, which is not a pretty sight.
Pritchard finally wakes up the crowd with a sit down
powerbomb, leading to some grinding from Del Ray (ugh…)
before he impressively nails Morton with an Asai
moonsault. Pritchard comes back in as the beating of
Morton continues, nailing him with a powerslam for a two
count (the first pinfall of the match, oddly enough).
Del Ray tags in and drops knees on Morton while the
Bodies pull off some decent double teams for a few two
counts. Before I can even unleash that no doubt witty
bon mot, Morton whips out a counter Frakensteiner to get
a two count on Del Ray, followed by a small package on
an incoming Pritchard for two. Del Ray tags back in with
a moonsault for two, but Gibson breaks up the pin.
Morton finally makes the non-existent hot tag to Gibson
after hitting a double DDT on the Bodies, leading to a
brawl between both teams. Pritchard tosses Gibson out of
the ring, which would be a DQ in Smokey Mountain
Wrestling but in the WWF it’s perfectly legal.
Apparently not aware of this development (what
research!) the Express argue with the ref for a bit
while the crowd collectively says “What the fuck is
going on?” The Express unleash their deadly finisher,
the double team dropkick (high tech shit!), but the ref
gets distracted and Del Ray uses Cornette’s deadly
tennis racket to pick up the win and the titles at
13:40. And the crowd goes vaguely apathetic to this
title change. If only if this was Kentucky and the
audience consisted of the inbred hicks from that movie
Wrong Turn, then maybe this match would have meant more
in the grand scheme of things. Rating:
**1/2 The Express didn’t exactly light up the crowd with
their carny offense, but the match was perfectible
acceptable for what it was aiming for (allowing the
crowd to get nachos and delighting the five fans of
Smokey Mountain Wrestling who saved up six months of
paychecks from their jobs as baggers at the Piggly
Wiggly to purchase this PPV). Doink Luke, Doink Butch, Doink Mo,
and Doink Mabel vs. Bam Bam Bigelow, Bastion Booger,
Samu, and Fatu For those
wondering what level of hell they have entered, it’s the
level where Doink “tricks” people by having them fight
the fucking Bushwhackers, but the absence of any midget
clowns would indicate that we haven’t reached the ninth
circle yet. Did I mention that the heels are eating
whole turkeys and bananas throughout the bout? Chekov’s
Gun immediately comes to mind. Meanwhile, the pissed off
audience chants “We Want Doink” which the Doink team
takes as a cheer (?), thereby completing the surrealism
of the whole thing. If the fans are so upset that they
actually chant for Doink the motherfucking Clown, you
probably fucked up royally. Booger starts with Luke,
giving him a couple of elbows and a sloppy splash before
getting bit on his ass. Keeping it classy I see. Samu
tags in and continues the assault, before the Doinks
fuck him up by having him bite a waterballoon, causing
him to momentarily be stunned and get rolled up for the
three at 3:00. Heenan speculates that the balloon was
full of ammonia (!) as Fatu no sells a headbutt from
Butch before delivering a vertical suplex. Booger comes
in for a legdrop as Bigelow is tagged in for further
punishment (to the audience), doing nothing of note
except some choking. Booger is brought back in to
deliver A Trip to the Bat Cave (AMAZING name for a
finisher) to Butch, but he fails to capitalize in order
to eat a banana. Really, there’s a time and place for
being a fat slob, and now’s not the time. Booger goes
for the move again, misses it like a complete idiot, and
gets battering rammed by the Whackers and legdropped by
Mabel to get eliminated at 5:59. Fatu uses a turkey to
add some power to his punches as this match just loses
all semblance of flow. Speaking of losing it, Mo comes
in with a scooter. Mo gets dropkicked as Fatu utilizes a
flying splash to get a two count before getting
distracted by a banana peel. Butch comes in without a
tag, threatens Fatu with a bucket, which causes Fatu to
SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL and get his lame ass pinned at
8:53. In another moment that makes me want to gnaw off
my wrists, Fatu actually has to position himself by the
banana peel so the illusion of him slipping is not
shattered. Too late for that methinks. This leaves
Bigelow alone with the Doinks, and thankfully he cleans
house on all the clowns as Vince has an orgasm over how
big Mabel is. Note to Vince: No matter how big someone
is, wearing purple and gold will not make you a badass
motherfucker. Bigeow controls for a bit before Luna
Vachon gets doused with glitter, leading to a dog pile
from all the Doinks at around 10:20. To complete the
burial, the real Doink (not Matt Bourne, as he was gone
at this point) appears on the Titan Tron to taunt Bam
Bam with some choice put downs (namely, pointing out
that Luna Vachon looks like a dog). The Beast from the
East angrily stomps around while screaming “Where’s
Doink?” as my brain drips out of my
skull. Survivors: Doink Butch, Doink Luke,
Doink Mo, and Doink Mabel, Rating: Zero
Stars. Just a fucking mess from start to finish. Oddly
enough, this was at least more coherent than next year’s
Doink match, which threw six midgets into the mix and
was about as enjoyable as crotch rot. To
the back, as Team Doink celebrates with an impromptu
rendition of “Whoomp, There It Is!” At this point, it’s
ok to kill yourself, since you’re just skipping ahead to
meet Jesus. A promo with the Foreign
Fanatics follows, as Cornette tries his damndest to put
over the main event. Meanwhile, Johnny Polo (the preppie
version of Raven) mugs outrageously for the camera.
Believe it or not, there was a point where Raven didn’t
have a gut or looked like he smelled like a dead
skunk. A “historical perspective” follows,
as Vince delivers a verbal blowjob to the city of
Boston. Scattered throughout this Ken Burnsesque
narration, the All Americans appear and vow to destroy
the Foreign Fanatics once and for all. We even get a
clip from John F Kennedy’s historic “Ask not what your
country can do for you…” speech, which is not really
applicable to the match at hand apart from the fact that
I’m sure watching it will feel like I’m getting my
brains blown out in front of my wife. Also, can you
really be a US citizen and hail from Death Valley? Do
people really reside in National
Parks?
“Made in the USA” Lex Luger, The
Undertaker, Scott Steiner, and Rick Steiner vs.
Yokozuna, Ludvig Borga, Jacques, and
Crush Vince notes that
Yokozuna was recently on Conan O’Brian. As this was back
in the days when nobody watched Conan and his ratings
were lower than the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie
infomercial, this isn’t really something to be proud of.
Is it too ghoulish to mention that on the heel side, all
but The Mountie is still alive? Must be the Canadian
health care. That, or the fact that Jacques is neither a
fat fuck, a drug addict, or a suicidal Finn who actually
held elected office at one point. Scott and Jacques
start out, leading to a belly to belly suplex from Scott
for two. Rick is tagged in as Jacques skips away to tag
in Yokozuna. Jacques was really good at playing the
cowardly prick heel. Yoko comes and pounds Rick down,
although Rick comes back with shoulderblocks which knock
the fat fuck out of the ring. Yoko tags out to Borga,
who promptly gets hit with a flying shoulderblock from
Rick for two. He goes for what looks like a flying
crossbody (lucha Rick!), but Borga blows a powerslam
that looks like it fucked up Rick. A pinfall at 5:09
gets rid of the injured Rick. Crush saves Jacques from
getting press slammed by Scott (Jacques shacking Crush’s
hand in gratitude is a great touch). Scott hits Crush
with a butterfly bomb and a clothesline for a two. Crush
comes back with a “martial art kick” (Hawaiian-Fu?) as
Savage returns and tries to charge the ring before being
dragged back by officials. Crush continues to
methodically kick Scott as Savage runs back again as
Crush stupidly gets distracted and counted out at 11:40.
A short brawl erupts to further their eventual hardcore
match at Wrestlemania XX as Jacques goes into a camel
clutch on the weakened Scott. A nice piledriver gets
two. Irish whip reversal from Scott leads to another
press slam and a hot tag to Luger. A slam and a second
rope elbow leads to Jacques going home at 14:05. Not
nearly as bad as getting pinned off a clothesline (a
tradition at The Survivor Series, like turkeys and
low-buyrates), but it’s pretty close. Borga uses some
clotheslines before stupidly going to the top rope,
leading to a superplex from Scott for a hot two count.
Yoko illegally comes in, leading to Scott actually going
for a frakensteiner (!) with predictable results. A
legdrop gets rid of the deadwood at 17:00 as I ponder
Scott’s grasp on how physics work. Yokozuna controls on
Luger for a while with chops as Borga comes in to punch
Luger for a while. Luger eventually tags in Undertaker,
which the crowd goes batshit for. A floatover DDT and
throat thrusts follow as the crowd is just screaming at
everything Taker is doing. Yoko puts him down with a
belly to belly and legdrops, leading to a Banzai Drop. A
second Banzai Drop misses following the Zombie Sit up as
Taker and Yoko brawl outside. Yoko bugging out his eyes
in terror of Taker’s no selling easily makes this the
highlight of the match so far, but both guys get counted
out at 23:25. Now let’s see if Lex Luger, God Incarnate,
can burn out this previously hot crowd in record time.
Borga hits Luger with a legdrop for two. A sideslam gets
two. A delayed vertical suplex gets two. A Powerslam
gets two as the crowd waits for the inevitable Luger
victory. Luger and Borga clothesline each other for the
double KO spot, as Fuji tosses the dreaded ceremonial
salt bucket into the ring. Borga bops Luger on the head
with it and gets a two count as Luger mounts his
comeback. An elbow, clothesline, and running elbow
allows Luger to get the pin at 37:30. I never thought I
would say this, but Hulk Hogan’s comebacks were more
exciting than Luger’s. At least the bald bastard had
some passion for his craft, as Luger wears the face of a
man who’s on hour eight of a George Lopez Show marathon.
Anyways, back to the ring as SANTA CLAUS himself comes
to ringside to congratulate Luger. I imagine this is
supposed to get the crowd to care, but not even St. Nick
himself can get the Boston Garden on their feet.
Personally, I wish a guy dressed up like a Pilgrim had
come out to shake Luger’s hand, because that would be
both holiday appropriate and far more entertaining than
this show. The fake snow begins to fall from the rafters
as Vince notes how appropriate this all is. If you ever
needed a moment to pinpoint exactly when Vince McMahon
completely lost his mind, you could easily start
here. Survivor: Lex
Luger Rating: **. Apart from the brief
Taker-Yoko battle, the match wasn’t terribly interesting
or enjoyable. The failure of the God Push of Lex Luger
is at least amusing to watch, in that car wreck kinda
way. Verdict: Isolated bright spots aside,
this was a fucking awful pay per view with bad wrestling
and really horrible booking. Even as a child I remember
thinking that none of this was really that interesting,
and I think my initial impressions were right. And for
those who would like a visual equivalent of the horror I
just witnessed, here’s a clip of The Fabulous Ones
working out for 2 minutes straight. Believe it or not,
both of the Fabulous Ones are more charismatic in this
one video than Lex Luger was tonight, and they look like
the Bee Gees on growth hormones. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqrwN3psjJo&feature=fvw
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