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[The Following contains some items that can be considered Offensive and definitely "Not Safe For Work". You might want to exit out now before your boss finds out how twisted you really are...].
Welcome to TWF HELL, the final resting place for my biggest brain farts, tasteless randomness and incomplete projects. You see, for everything you see posted on TWF, there are dozens of items, ideas and potential satires & parodies that get tossed by the wayside for one reason or another, and not soon there after, they are often lost to time. BUT NO MORE. You see, despite the remaining minute shred of scruples remaining in my body begging me not to, finally, there is a home for this complete and total randomness~! And for the record, this is not just a really snazzy and clever way to just post a bunch of really ridiculous pictures. Not even.
So that said, let's get to the matter at hand. TWF Hell. But be warned. Chances are some of these previous rejected items will disturb, anger or perhaps even sicken you. That's Okay, though. That means you still have a soul. However, if you find humor in many of the following discarded items without a shred of conscience, well, pack some suntan lotion, mister, because it's about to get real fucking hot where you're going....
Hey, that ain't no Ice Cream Cone! Yup. There's pretty much zero explanation needed for why I never bothered posting this picture before. And most of the reasons involve Jerry McDevitt draining me of my remaining resources in court, leaving me with only my Tammy Sytch 1996 screensaver and the Big Show "Big All Over" T-shirt on my back, all over a little thing called "slander". Can't say I'd blame them. That said, I know what you're thinking; "Jesus Christ, Sean, is nothing sacred? That's the man's daughter!". Well, I think that defense went on the window the moment the dude proposed an incestuous paternity angle, and obviously ogled his own daughter's breasts in her wedding gown. But hey, in his defense, he DID like just pay for those bad boys like 2 months before. It's clearly his responsibility as a customer to check out the merchandise. AMIRITE? I mean, come on, that's just called being a good consumer! Sheesh.
But hey, back to the matter at hand. In the above picture that is completely satirical, and satire and parody and covered by laws because it's a Satirical satirey parody, I don't think it's conclusive that anything remotely tawdry is even going on! I swear. Honest. Vince is clearly just handing Steph a delicious pixelated Baby Ruth in a very unusual and unorthodox manner! That's all! * Ahem*.
This animated version however is a little harder (HIYO) to defend...
But hey, all things considered, you've got to take your hat off (and only your hat, perverts) to Vince there. Look at the guy no-sell that hand-job! That's will power! Although, this is the samedude that once no-sold two torn quads, so a staunch poker face is probably old hat at this point. I mean, holy shit, even Steph using his root to start a fucking cub-scout campfire isn't enough to break this motherfucker's Zen-like trance. What a man!
But hey, I am not implying anything in the above not-at-all slanderous picture. The real-life McMahon's are a wholesome family who'd never engage in anything remotely incestuous and disgusting. They'd also never  want to sue a stupid, clueless, poor satire writer. Did I mention it was a SATIRE, and I am a SATIRE writer, and it's a SATIRE and it's covered by the constitution? (in a country I don't live in, but hey, whatever). Ok, then. Just making sure! God bless our (your?) legal system. And God bless America! It's the best country in the world that I don't live in!
We all remember where we were the day the Twin Towers were attacked. Poor Big Bossman NEVER saw it coming. I however have always suspected foul play. I mean, according to COUNTLESS sources, AKEEM BURNED FROM THE BOTTOM. What more proof do you need of homeland chicanery?
Umm, ya. Once again, there's no real explanation needed for why this really never was posted. And I know what you're thinking."Sean, why do you hate Freedom?".  I don't. Honest. It's just that I am personally jealous that my home country of Canada never had a 9/11 to unify and finally bring us all together into a collective patriotic rage. Although, we were *pretty close*. We don't have a 9/11, but we do have 11/9. Yes, 11/9. The day Vince McMahon screwed Bret Hart out of the WWF Title in 1997! It would take many brave Canadians working in unison to finally put out the fiery rage inside the Hitman. Well, that, and a well-timed head over heels somersault over his bike handles. Close enough. Never forget.
Well, by now, everyone's seen Debra appear on almost every newscast, getting up on her soap-box and proclaiming for the world to hear that Steve Austin beat her THREE times. But hey, it's not like it couldn't have been avoided. I've said it before. All she had to do was catch Steve's foot on the Stunner attempt. It's her own fault! I mean, between that and always ignorantly catching Steve's Thesz press, I'm starting to think she never picked up ANYTHING in her 2 years hitched to Stone Cold. Well, besides an ice-pack...
Ah, Marc Mero. The man whose face contains less movement than the torso of Christopher Reeve. (before his death. And well, after, too.). The reason I didn't post this before? Well, who wants to think of multiple paragraphs of lame insults for the former Johnny B. Badd (Botox job)? I'll just take solace in the fact that I am not on his list of 60 wrestler deaths and dead best friends that he never met or worked with. And then laugh at the fact that one of my mother's 25 pound frozen-solid Thanksgiving turkeys has more mobility and feeling right now than the visage of the former Wildman.
The PERFECT gift for your very last Father's Day! SMOTHER your loved one's with, umm, affection~! and give the gift that keeps on giving! (well, once.).
*Goes great with the complimentary Rabid Wolverine Neck-tie.  Two sizes two small, and available in "Hemp" and "Bungee cord".
Ok, that was rotten. I'll admit it. I feel terrible. Truth be told, the idea for this one wasn't even mine. It was actually Joe Merrick's. (and the picture of steroid-addled insane Benoit was made by someone else as well.). The reason I made it? TO TEST YOUR HUMANITY. If you laughed, even for a second, you are hopeless and beyond redemption. Welcome aboard.
Introducing the Rey Mysterio Juicer~! Made from concentrate with 619 vitamins and minerals so you too can grow big(ger) and stronger! Ok, Ok, there's just one "vitamin". And it usually involves a tourniquet, a big toe, or maybe an ass cheek if you've got a buddy with a strong stomach.
Ah, I kid, Rey-Rey. But come on. Just in case you haven't heard, Rey went on a talk show recently and swore he's never EVER taken steroids. Man, he must have like the best total Gym in the fucking Universe to gain like 1/2 more body mass on that frame!!!!! *Ahem*. Hell, even the fucking Hulk has less of a growth turnover than Rey Mysterio. And I didn't hear about no fucking Gamma leaks in San Diego, so what gives?Although, on second thought, that would explain the guy's fucking pupils...
I created this picture when I read INTERWEB NEWZ that Orton would win the WWE Title, only to drop it to HHH eventually. And it got me to thinking. Actually, I didn't think. I just laughed to myself at the prospect of Hunter saying "fuck it" and just choosing to mow down Randall with his fully-loaded luxury bus, in lieu of winning the belt* in the ring. But, nooooo, WWE had to go ahead and not book Orton to win the title andruin my gag.Bastards.
*Let's pretend the belt in the picture is not the World Title, and cut me some slack you anal cocksuckers.
Hey, why not? That urban legend had to come from somewhere! But you've got to wonder, just how Vince would ever find out in the first place? You know, disregarding the raspy post-coital "Ohhh yeahhh!", and the fact he's probably the only dude on earth who bones a broad while wearing a condom with 12 inch tassels and a miniature tiger-striped cowboy hat. Dig it.
No real explanation here. Outside of a personal fantasy to see WWE Head of Talent Relations (and the guy who does the bulk of his potential-Diva hiring while secretly masturbating through an augured hole in the bathroom wall) Johnny Ace, do a skateboard Olly off the roof of Titan Towers. But no worries, before he'd flat-line, I'm sure he'd place a few obligatory calls to OVW to fire a few developmental guys, just to keep up the status quo. After all, if he expired, who'd be the one to crush their dreams? Keep on rollin', brother.
Have you ever noticed that Jerry 'The King' Lawler  seems to always have a laptop computer on the go during WWE programming? Just what does he surf for on there? Actually, I think it's fairly obvious. Although, you have to think if he actually had any *real power* as a monarch, he'd go ahead and lower the age of consent to "whenever it is that they grow boobs". But hey, that all said, I'd be remiss if I didn't make one not-so-subtle pic of Jerry openly masturbating under his desk to illegal pornography, right? Right? And come on, tell me that ain't the real reason why those desks are enclosed now...
Ok, Ok, this one is really bad. But come on. I like to think that killing yourself disqualifies you from being exempt to ridicule. If he had saved a busload of orphans first or something maybe I'd feel worse. And truth be told, this suggestion came from a reader, whose name I forgot (you know who you are!). You see, this idea spawned after he sent me a hilarious MS-Paint Mike Awesome Hangman game, with a picture of a depressed Masato Tanaka at the bottom. It was just so incredibly inappropriate that it became hilarious by proxy. And speaking of Tanaka, my question is this: at Awesome's funeral, did Tanaka get the urge to have someone launch him back first through the church pews, just for old time's sake? Ok, maybe not.
Ok, Ok, so the timing here is a little controversial. Nasty Nick after all just survived a legit car wreck this past weekend. And how did he survive, exactly, while the unfortunate passenger suffered much worse injuries (at press time)? Well, he IS the son of the Hulkster, bruther. Miraculous comebacks from near-death situations are in his blood, dude! Along with picking up and launching fat people, nonsensically tearing any article of clothing you own in half, and having a fucking parking lot where your hair used to be. I don't think it's that far fetched to say that Nick inherited that same healing prowess. After all, how many times did the stark ravin' Hulkster get his fucking ribs broken only to return like 2 weeks later? Hmmm? And hey, is it so far fetched to think that King Kong Bundy perhaps had a hand in the accident? Maybe he just came back to put another generation of Hogan on the shelf? Driving head on into a "Walking Condominium" would cause all kinds of damage, I'm telling you.
And speaking of Walking Condominiums, since he is in fact, according to the late Gorilla Monsoon, a habitable mobile home, how cool would it be to actually live inside King Kong Bundy? Sure, the view would suck, but imagine the roominess! Plus, just think of all the money you'd save on moving costs! The fucker could just walk wherever you'd want to set up shop! Clearly, I've thought too much about this. I'll stop now.
And finally, we'll close with Ashley, who soon will be featured on Survivor: China! Although, I think the far more challenging and tumultuous contest would be Survivor: Chyna. Imagine the possibilities! Immunity battles decided by the first person to not throw up while looking at Chyna's disturbing miniature appendage. Instead of rats, they can all gather around the fire and heat up some rock! It'd be AWESOME.
But hey, good luck to Ashley and everything anyway. Although, I don't think the regular definition of "Survivor" includes spontaneously combusting everytime you make one remote physical movement. Call me crazy. At this point, come the first torch ceremony, Ash will be eliminated by proxy, because she'd have dissolved in the ocean like porridge during the first immunity challenge.
But hey, to each their own. I'm sure there's a lot of guys pulling for you out there! Only sadly, I mean that literally. Live with that visual.
I'm Sean.
And I'm really not usually this completely heartless and rotten. I think.
More to come...eventually~!
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).