[The Following contains some items that can be considered Offensive and
definitely "Not Safe For Work". You might want to exit out now before your boss
finds out how twisted you really are...].
Welcome to TWF HELL, the final resting place for my biggest
brain farts, tasteless randomness and incomplete projects. You see, for
everything you see posted on TWF, there are dozens of items, ideas and
potential satires & parodies that get tossed by the wayside for one
reason or another, and not soon there after, they are often lost to
time. BUT NO MORE. You see, despite the remaining minute shred of
scruples remaining in my body begging me not to, finally, there is a
home for this complete and total randomness~! And for the record, this
is not just a really snazzy and clever way to just post a bunch of
really ridiculous pictures. Not even.
So that said, let's get
to the matter at hand. TWF Hell. But be warned. Chances are
some of these previous rejected items will disturb, anger or
perhaps even sicken you. That's Okay, though. That means you
still have a soul. However, if you find humor in many of the
following discarded items without a shred of conscience,
well, pack some suntan lotion, mister, because it's about to
get real fucking hot where you're going....
Hey, that ain't no Ice Cream Cone! Yup. There's pretty much zero
explanation needed for why I never bothered posting this picture before.
And most of the reasons involve Jerry McDevitt draining me of my
remaining resources in court, leaving me with only my Tammy Sytch 1996
screensaver and the Big Show "Big All Over" T-shirt on my back, all over
a little thing called "slander". Can't say I'd blame them. That said, I
know what you're thinking;
"Jesus Christ, Sean, is nothing sacred? That's the man's
Well, I think
that defense went on the window the moment the dude
proposed an incestuous paternity angle, and obviously ogled his own
daughter's breasts in her wedding gown. But hey, in his defense, he DID
like just pay for those bad boys like 2 months before. It's clearly his
responsibility as a customer to check out the merchandise. AMIRITE? I
mean, come on, that's just called being a good consumer! Sheesh.
But hey, back to the matter at hand. In the above
picture that is completely satirical, and satire and
parody and covered by laws because it's a Satirical
satirey parody, I don't think it's conclusive that
anything remotely tawdry is even going on! I swear.
Honest. Vince is clearly just handing Steph a delicious
pixelated Baby Ruth in a very unusual and unorthodox
manner! That's all! *
This animated version however is a little harder
(HIYO) to defend...
But hey, all things
considered, you've got to take your hat off (and only
your hat, perverts) to Vince there. Look at the guy
no-sell that hand-job! That's will power! Although, this
samedude that once no-sold two torn quads, so a
staunch poker face is probably old hat at this point. I
mean, holy shit, even Steph using his root to start a
fucking cub-scout campfire isn't enough to break this
motherfucker's Zen-like trance. What a man!
But hey, I am not implying anything in the above
not-at-all slanderous picture. The real-life McMahon's are a wholesome
family who'd never engage in anything remotely incestuous and
disgusting. They'd also
never want to sue a stupid, clueless, poor satire
writer. Did I mention it was a SATIRE, and I am a SATIRE writer, and
it's a SATIRE and it's covered by the constitution? (in a country I
don't live in, but hey, whatever). Ok, then. Just making sure! God bless
our (your?) legal system. And God bless America! It's the best country
in the world that I don't live in!
We all remember where we
were the day the Twin Towers were attacked. Poor Big
Bossman NEVER saw it coming. I however have always
suspected foul play. I mean, according to COUNTLESS
sources, AKEEM BURNED FROM THE BOTTOM. What more proof
do you need of homeland chicanery?
ya. Once again, there's no real explanation needed
for why this really never was posted. And I know
what you're thinking."Sean, why do you hate Freedom?". I don't.
Honest. It's just that I am personally jealous that
my home country of Canada never had a 9/11 to unify
and finally bring us all together into a collective
patriotic rage. Although, we were *pretty close*. We
don't have a 9/11, but we do have 11/9. Yes,
11/9. The day Vince McMahon screwed Bret Hart out of
the WWF Title in 1997! It would take many brave
Canadians working in unison to finally put out the
fiery rage inside the Hitman. Well, that, and a
well-timed head over heels somersault over his bike
handles. Close enough. Never forget.
Well, by now, everyone's seen Debra
appear on almost every newscast, getting up on her
soap-box and proclaiming for the world to hear that
Steve Austin beat her THREE times. But hey, it's not
like it couldn't have been avoided. I've said it
before. All she had to do was catch Steve's foot on the
Stunner attempt. It's her own fault! I mean, between
that and always ignorantly catching Steve's Thesz press,
I'm starting to think she never picked up ANYTHING in
her 2 years hitched to Stone Cold. Well, besides an
Ah, Marc Mero. The man whose
face contains less movement than the torso of
Christopher Reeve. (before his death. And well, after,
too.). The reason I didn't post this before? Well, who
wants to think of multiple paragraphs of lame insults
for the former Johnny B. Badd (Botox job)? I'll just
take solace in the fact that I am not on his list of 60
wrestler deaths and dead best friends that he never met
or worked with. And then laugh at the fact that one
of my mother's 25 pound frozen-solid Thanksgiving
turkeys has more mobility and feeling right now than the
visage of the former Wildman.
The PERFECT gift for your very last
Father's Day! SMOTHER your loved one's with,
umm, affection~! and give the gift that keeps on giving!
*Goes great with the complimentary Rabid Wolverine
Neck-tie. Two sizes two small, and available in "Hemp"
and "Bungee cord".
Ok, that was rotten. I'll admit it.
I feel terrible. Truth be told, the idea for this one
wasn't even mine. It was actually Joe Merrick's. (and
the picture of steroid-addled insane Benoit was made by
someone else as well.). The reason I made it? TO TEST
YOUR HUMANITY. If you laughed, even for a second, you
are hopeless and beyond redemption. Welcome aboard.
Introducing the Rey Mysterio
Juicer~! Made from concentrate with 619 vitamins and minerals so you
too can grow big(ger) and stronger! Ok, Ok, there's just one "vitamin".
And it usually involves a tourniquet, a big toe, or maybe an ass cheek
if you've got a buddy with a strong stomach.
Ah, I kid, Rey-Rey. But come on.
Just in case you haven't heard, Rey went on a talk show recently and
swore he's never EVER taken steroids. Man, he must have like the best
total Gym in the fucking Universe to gain like 1/2 more body mass on
that frame!!!!! *Ahem*. Hell, even the fucking Hulk has less of a growth
turnover than Rey Mysterio. And I didn't hear about no fucking Gamma
leaks in San Diego, so what gives?Although, on second thought,
would explain the guy's fucking pupils...
I created this picture when I read INTERWEB NEWZ that Orton would win the WWE
Title, only to drop it to HHH eventually. And it got me to thinking. Actually, I
didn't think. I just laughed to myself at the prospect of Hunter saying "fuck
it" and just choosing to mow down Randall with his fully-loaded luxury bus, in
lieu of winning the belt* in the ring. But, nooooo, WWE had to go ahead and not
book Orton to win the title andruin my gag.Bastards.
*Let's pretend the belt in the picture is not the World
Title, and cut me some slack you anal cocksuckers.
Hey, why not? That urban legend had
to come from somewhere! But you've got to wonder,
just how Vince would ever find out in the first
place? You know, disregarding the raspy post-coital
"Ohhh yeahhh!", and the fact he's probably the only
dude on earth who bones a broad while wearing a
condom with 12 inch tassels and a miniature
tiger-striped cowboy hat. Dig it.
No real explanation here. Outside
of a personal fantasy to see WWE Head of Talent
Relations (and the guy who does the bulk of
his potential-Diva hiring while secretly
masturbating through an augured hole in the bathroom
wall) Johnny Ace, do a skateboard Olly off the roof
of Titan Towers. But no worries, before he'd
flat-line, I'm sure he'd place a few obligatory
calls to OVW to fire a few developmental guys, just
to keep up the status quo. After all, if he expired,
who'd be the one to crush their dreams? Keep on
Have you ever noticed that Jerry
'The King' Lawler seems to always have a
laptop computer on the go during WWE programming?
Just what does he surf for on there? Actually, I
think it's fairly obvious. Although, you have to
think if he actually had any *real power* as a
monarch, he'd go ahead and lower the age of consent
to "whenever it is that they grow boobs". But hey,
that all said, I'd be remiss if I didn't make one
not-so-subtle pic of Jerry openly masturbating under
his desk to illegal pornography, right? Right? And
come on, tell me that ain't the real reason why
those desks are enclosed now...
Ok, Ok, this one is really bad. But
come on. I like to think that killing yourself
disqualifies you from being exempt to ridicule. If
he had saved a busload of orphans first or
something maybe I'd feel worse. And truth be told,
this suggestion came from a reader, whose name I
forgot (you know who you are!). You see, this idea
spawned after he sent me a hilarious MS-Paint Mike
Awesome Hangman game, with a picture of a depressed
Masato Tanaka at the bottom. It was just so
incredibly inappropriate that it became hilarious by
proxy. And speaking of Tanaka, my question is this:
at Awesome's funeral, did Tanaka get the urge to
have someone launch him back first through
the church pews, just for old time's sake? Ok, maybe
Ok, Ok, so the timing here is a little
controversial. Nasty Nick after all just survived a
legit car wreck this past weekend. And how did he
survive, exactly, while the unfortunate passenger
suffered much worse injuries (at press time)? Well,
he IS the son of the Hulkster, bruther. Miraculous
comebacks from near-death situations are in his
blood, dude! Along with picking up and launching fat
people, nonsensically tearing any article of
clothing you own in half, and having a
fucking parking lot where your hair used to be. I
don't think it's that far fetched to say that Nick
inherited that same healing prowess. After all, how
many times did the stark ravin' Hulkster get his
fucking ribs broken only to return like 2 weeks
later? Hmmm? And hey, is it so far fetched to think
that King Kong Bundy perhaps had a hand in the
accident? Maybe he just came back to put another
generation of Hogan on the shelf? Driving head on
into a "Walking Condominium" would cause all kinds
of damage, I'm telling you.
And speaking of Walking Condominiums, since he
is in fact, according to the late Gorilla Monsoon,
a habitable mobile home, how cool would it be to
actually live inside King Kong Bundy? Sure, the view
would suck, but imagine the roominess! Plus, just
think of all the money you'd save on moving costs!
The fucker could just walk wherever you'd want to
set up shop! Clearly, I've thought too much about
this. I'll stop now.
And finally, we'll close with Ashley, who soon
will be featured on Survivor: China! Although, I
think the far more challenging and
tumultuous contest would be Survivor: Chyna. Imagine
the possibilities! Immunity battles decided by the
first person to not throw up while looking at
Chyna's disturbing miniature appendage. Instead of
rats, they can all gather around the fire and heat
up some rock! It'd be AWESOME.
But hey, good luck to Ashley and everything
anyway. Although, I don't think the
regular definition of "Survivor" includes
spontaneously combusting everytime you make one
remote physical movement. Call me crazy. At this
point, come the first torch ceremony, Ash will be
eliminated by proxy, because she'd have dissolved in
the ocean like porridge during the first immunity
But hey, to each their own. I'm
sure there's a lot of guys pulling for you out
there! Only sadly, I mean that literally. Live with
And I'm really not usually this
completely heartless and rotten. I think.
More to come...eventually~!
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those
hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's
various scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling.
He has also cured AIDS.