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So, we had close to 400 entries in the last 24 hours. Never let anyone say the lure of free shit can't motivate people. Especially when you consider that 400 souls not only each read my ridiculous questions, but then answered them, and in some cases added more jokes in their responses. Tremendous.
However, the sad part was that 15 questions I thought were loaded and obvious, turned out to be the opposite. Out of 400, only a total of 13 people got every question right. It's not your faults, though. You're normal. I'm not. People took the questions at face value. Oh well.
Anyway, that said, here are the ten *Official* winners! I had originally planned for 20 in the fishbowl, but since only 13 answered correctly, that was whom was entered into the drawing. C'Est la Vie or something.
Here are your winners!
Michael DePue
Pepe's long lost brother. He insatiably loves the ladies. But only after they're accidentally painted up the back with white paint. This joke works better when you pretend Pepe's last name wasn't Le Peu. Whatever. Congratulations, Michael!
Augie Pires
You're mom may have short-changed you on your first name, but god willing, I'm here to RIGHT THAT WRONG. You sir, are a WINNER.
Graham Hall
You sir shouldn't just be winning prizes. You should be giving them out! Graham Hall sounds like a bitching 1970's game show host. It rules. Tell them what the home audience's won, Graham! 
Liu V.
YES. This is more like it. When Liu's not defeating Goro and saving the Earth Realm from wonton destruction, he's effortlessly winning free video games! Now do a celebratory 18 foot bicycle kick in your living room, Liu! You've earned this one. FLAWLESS VICTORY.
Jerry Woodward
GOLD, Jerry. GOLD.
Cornelius T. McGilloway
I originally misread Corny's email and thought he didn't leave a last name. And as a result, I began speculating as to what it actually was. Rooster, maybe? I sure hoped so. I love Corn Flakes.  Or maybe I was way off, and Cornelius was actually his last name, I thought. Could this be former Soul Train host Don Cornelius, looking for a video game pay off? That's what I was going to go with until I re-read his email and saw his actual full name. Oh well. I still INSIST Black people in tiny red pants are dancing the hustle in celebration of your HUGE win. I can dig that. So, congrats, Cornelius.  "And you can bet your last money, it's gonna be a stone gas, honey! I'm Don Cornelius, and as always in parting, we wish you love, peace and soulllllllllllllllllllllllllll!" .
Joshua Dipert
Seeing as I too have a mockable last name, I can only imagine the insulting derivatives of your surname you heard as a young man, Joshua. You are not a Dipshit. YOU ARE A WINNER. And you know I'm just kidding. Don't be a Hypocrite. Ahem. (inside joke).
M. Docherty
Holy shit, M. is your first name? Let me guess, you're an unconventional filmmaker who likes to shock audience's with surprising revelations! Stay away from that Lady in the Water, M.! You're not Unbreakable! We don't need the whole Village looking for your ass. There's no Signs here. It's not like we have a Sixth Sense. Ahem.
Joe Merrick
So, you finally get your free DVD you fuckstick. NOW STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT. ;)
Derek Burgan.
What? He's sent me tons of shit. This is like the part in Godfather where the Mortician owes Vito Corleone a favor. THEY MASSACARED MY BOY! Plus, Derek answered them first. This is what happens when you hang out with Keith Lipinski so much. It's like fucking Osmosis. It's science. And you can't fight science.
Ok, there you go. If the following people have not gotten my official congratulatory email, email me HERE and send me your name and mailing address and which platform game you require. (ASAP please). I'll then send in your requests and get those bad boys mailed out.
Thanks for playing people! If there's anymore freebees coming, I'll let you know as soon as I know.
But hey, for those who desperately kinda/sorta wanted to know the answers to the Trivia. Here they are:
1) Which darkside power does Undertaker not possess?
a) The ability to come up with a rational explanation to his wife and children as to why they had to suddenly relocate from sunny Houston to uninhabitable Death Valley.
b) The ability to re-grow hair.
c) The ability to do more than one job by pinfall a year.
d) All of the above.
Answer is D) ALL OF THE ABOVE! It's true. Undertaker's hairline has yet to resuscitate itself like he himself does every six months or so, (so much for hair growing after you're dead). He also almost never does clean pinfalls, and he did kind of move he and the Fam back to Death Valley for no reason from their sweet set-up in Houston. When Sara heard the news she said "He's a fucking Deadman!" And he is. It was really awkward.
2) What vile substance was found on Katie Vick's person, post-mortem?
a) the pipin' hot love seed of Kane.
b) JR's BBQ sauce
c) YJ Stinger energy drink
d) Hulkamania
Answer is A. As much as I'd like to say Hulkamania, which has caused much more destruction worldwide, the *real* answer is Kane's magma-like semen. It's a miracle Lita ever got pregnant by it in 2004. I blame the fact her vagina is as deep as a volcano, and thus the lava had time to cool and harden before it got deep enough to do any real damage.
3) Which catchphrase is most associated with Triple H?
a) "I'm that damn good!"
b) "I'm the King of Kings!"
c) "I'm the diamond in this business!"
d) "Man, maybe I should leave some breathing room or something in this hole. The mid-card might suffocate under that much dirt."
e) All of the above.
Answer: E.  He has as many catchphrases as there are tag teams for him to simultaneously pin for no reason.
4) Why is Hulk Hogan bald?
a) He has inoperable locker room cancer.
b) All the fish in the Atlantic Ocean ate away his remaining locks whilst he dog-paddled Donald Trump and 18,000 others in the Trump Plaza to safety in 1988.
c) Genetics, Dude.
Answer: C. Genetics, Dude. He inherited that hairline, bruther. That and the inborn need to pick up fat people and launch them through the air.
5) To Rob Van Dam, the "Super Bowl" is 
a) The championship game of the NFL.
b) The biggest bong you've ever seen in your life.
Answer: B.The biggest bong you've ever seen in your life. DUUUUUUUUUUDE.
6) The original ECW's credo was "This is Extreme!"; *New* ECW's credo is:
a) A New breed unleashed!
b) A New Breed released! Or at the most, ignored completely.
c) This is Extreme...disappointment.
d) Fuck You Paul Heyman. Love, Steph.
e) All of the Above.
Answer is E, All of the Above. This is WAS Extreme.
7) Wrestlemania is:
A) Where memories are indelibly etched into the annals of time.
b) Where you only existed if your last name isn't Benoit or umm, Macho Man Savage?
c) The showcase of the Immortals!
d) The showcase of people clearly not immortal, because they kind of still died anyway, despite WWE's bold claims.
e) 50 dollars to see someone I care about tap out to John Cena.
f) All of the Above!
Answer is F. Although, I still don't know who this alleged Benoit person is.
8) The Smackdown "Fist" actually symbolizes:
a) The manner in which Johnny Ace hires prospective Divas.
b) The iron fist of Vince McMahon desperately fighting against any and all change.
c) One giant shiny silver dude with obvious anger and self-control issues.
d) None of the Above. You're clearly drunk, Sean.
Answer is D. NONE OF THE ABOVE. Sadly. And I have the ulcerated liver to prove it.
9)The Punjabi Prison is:
a) Made of Solid steel...bamboo [/Michael Cole].
b) India's inescapable correctional facility!...unless you know how to umm, climb.
c) Great Khali's specialty!...even though he's only had like 1.
d) The only place Batista has ever looked athletic.
e) Yes to all.
Answer is E.  Yes to All. And I patiently await the day Umaga gets a cage made entirely out of Grass. You know, much like the penal system of his home country of Blah, Blah, Samoa is. You know, if only to hear Michael Cole oversell it. "That GRASS IS UNFORGIVING. I asked it to accept my apology earlier, and it flat out said "no". It tears flesh! Ok, it just kinda leaves stains on flesh. But it's damn hard to wash them out! Especially on jeans. It also needs to be mowed all the time. It's a real pain. And the worst part is Rob Van Dam keeps trying to roll it up in a giant carpet and light it on fire. This match is anarchy!"
10) What can break the Masterlock?:
a) Bobby Lashley.
b) A well timed mandatory drug test.
c) Hurtful comments about dropping 40 pounds of muscle-tone in 6 weeks.
d) All of the above.
Answer is D. All of the Above. Any choice is true. So, if you ever find yourself in a spontaneous full nelson, ask him if that Indian dude from Thinner put a curse on him, or say that you just saw a guy in the back walking around in a white coat with a beaker and a plastic cup. You'll be free just like that.
11) Rene Dupree possesses the ability to wrestle a match without a full erection:
a) True.
b) False.
Answer is B. ERECT IS CORRECT. And completely horrifying. Quick, someone give Koko B. Ware a call and see if he has any of those High Energy pants he can donate to Rene. We'd really appreciate it.
12) What phrase is best associated with Jerry "The King" Lawler?
a) "Puppies!"
b) "Do you have both contacts in the same eye, JR?"
c) "Put your bike in the garage, and meet me in the bedroom."
d) All of the Above.
Answer is D. You'd think that if Lawler really held any power as a monarch, he'd make a decree to lower the age of consent to 14. Just saying.
13) Which completely stupid WWE-style hyperbole nickname for Hell in a Cell is actually a "real" description?
a) "Satan's Spa of Pain and suffering".
b) "Beelzebub's Bed & Breakfast".
c) "Screwtape's House of Pancakes".
d) "Legion's Chapeau Emporium".
Answer is A. Satan's Spa of Pain and Suffering. Stay away from the Facials. They feel like dying.
14) What is the only object Mark Henry CANNOT tear in half?
a) Frying pan.
b) Telephone book.
c) Dumbbell.
d) An apparently never-ending 10 year contract.
Answer is D. That contract is indestructible. Even if Patch Henry himself isn't.
15) Which of the following scenario's is most likely to transpire first?
a) John Cena loses a World Title clean in the center of the ring.
b) Stephanie McMahon concocts a complex, deep and brilliant storyline idea.
c) Kevin Nash executes a 720 splash.
d) Jesus smites Satan and his minions with a flaming sword and Earth as we know it ceases to exist.
Answer is D. Biblical Armageddon will transpire before you ever see any of those other things. And maybe sooner than you think. God's not been the same guy since Vince jobbed him out at Backlash. The 7th Seal has already been broken. You may have seen the first of the ramifications at No Mercy where HHH won his 11th world title. Repent now. It's not too late~!
Reviews for Smackdown Vs. RAW 2008 forthcoming! Maybe more free stuff! Stay tuned!
I'm Sean.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).