TWF HOLIDAY READER GIFTS~!
T'is the season to be giving! I tried telling my girlfriend to keep this in
mind, and that in "the spirit of the season", a blowjob would not only be appreciated but expected, but thus far: NOTHING.
Man. Some people just don't understand the true meaning of Christmas. Oh well.
That said, we here at TWF do; and no, you're not getting head either, but instead something
BETTER. Because, let's face it, it'll last a few minutes longer; THE GIFT OF WORDS. Yes sir. Some select
Staff members and I, copying a similar trend on WWE 24/7, have decided to be GIVERS this season and are
thus giving you the present of some of our favorite columns ever printed here at TWF! Enjoy! And Happy Holidays!
Sean
Carless: My Gift to you, the TWF readers, is actually multiple gifts! And anyone who knows me, knows that
you're usually lucky to get one out of me, so good on you.
My choices are, first, my favorite recap of a WWE pay-per-view I ever read:
James Walker's December 2 Dismember Rant. You see, James was going on fumes here, after recapping seemingly THREE STRAIGHT WEEKS OF WWE PAY-PER-VIEW, so to watch
him go from from somewhat optimistic, to downright bitter as arguably the worst PPV ever put on in recent times drained his
very soul, fucking Shang-Tsung-style, was a site to behold. Great, great stuff.
Second up, is Derek Burgan's Gimmick Table of Kurt Angle merchandise. I particularly enjoyed this one, because Derek hit the mark weeks before people realized how completely bat-shit insane
Kurt had gone. In fact, some of this actually OFFENDED people at the time of posting, only for them to all shut their moronic
mouths like a week later when Angle began what would become a regular course of increasingly bizarre interviews where he insisted
he could be Ultimate Fighting Champion in one match, and how someone like Chris Sabin's key to superstardom was to become
Pig-Pen from the Peanuts cartoons. Seriously. Derek was way ahead of the curve here.
Up next, there's Harry Simon's oft-forgotten masterpiece: A VERY SPECIAL CLUSTERSHMAZZ. Featuring a drug rehab-bound Eugene, being counseled into recovery by a slew of 1980's CARTOON CHARACTERS~! This satire
holds a special place in my heart because I'm a slave to this era of Afternoon cartoons like Transformers, GI Joe and Thundercats.
And finally, from me to you, here's my very first TWF Back-Leg Frontkick from September 2003! Re-salvaged and reposted for your umm, enjoyment? Maybe. It's short but the venom you'd
become accustomed to is still there. And isn't that what Christmas is all about? Wait. What do you mean it's the complete
opposite of that? Oh.
Derek
Burgan: The one gift I would place under everyone's tree is actually a blast from the past that was newly
tweaked for this year. Sean's retro-review of Transformers: The Movie. I loved this movie growing up, and was probably one of the 15 or so that actually saw it in an
actual theatre.
Harry
Simon: My gift to our loyal TWFaholics is Sean's year-in-review for 2007. I chose this one because having not followed the biz closely this year, this piece made me feel vindicated.
Nobody can put 12 months of the graps in perspective quite like Sean.
James
Walker: This satire was probably the biggest reason why I became a regular reader of the site. You couldn't find stuff like this anywhere on
the net, and you still can't. Only Sean Carless could find a ridiculous amount of correlations between Jesus and Shawn Michaels,
while mocking both of them at the same time. To me, this satire is what TWF is all about: Hilarious, Unique, and Blasphemy.
Joe
Merrick: I'd have to say I'd like to offer my HASBEEN HEROES piece from a while back, just because it's the most time and effort I ever spent on a column, and it was actually inspired
by a dream I had a couple of years ago. Take that as you will.
Catherine
Perez: I choose BREAKING NEWZ: ABYSS GOES ON SAVAGE MURDER SPREE IN ORLANDO~!: Inspired by one of my favorite '80s teen slasher flicks, this BREAKING NEWZ report put the kibosh on, uh, most fans questioning
why the hell Abyss really needed a maternal figure to ruin his gimmick even further. It's a shame that this ongoing storyline
didn't head towards this direction. Plus, it features a great photoshop of Vince Russo with a machete (not this) through his head - what more does a wrestling fan need... besides an end to this storyline?
Justin
Shapiro: I was going to select a Derek Burgan-penned piece from yonder back in which he mentions an e-mail
harassment he received from the one and only Viscera. This was an important thing for me in my life as I realized I was not
alone in this world and that there were others who shared my story. Pretty sure, though, that the once and former self-proclaimed
World's Largest Love Machine has gotten the last laugh in these tete-a-tetes what with the big splash and big splashes he's
made in the '07 as perhaps the extremest extremist that's ever been extreme.
With that in mind, I would instead like to revisit web's-master Sean Carless's look at WWE Film's indirect-to-DVD oeuvre, an especially pungent feature considering the company's plans to soldier on with more 'low-budj'
productions in which wrestlers soldier on as grim, humorless ex-army'ers. See, WWE's Tribute to the Troops is more than just
a perpetual annual tradition -- nota bene Rita Cosby.
Michael
Melchor: My gift is this particular conversation with "DA BOSS", Sean Carless. Couple reasons I like this in particular; one, we don't get to talk like this nearly
as often as I would like. Second, we had both touched upon something that really could have helped WWE succeed - should
they be brave enough to go through with it. Instead, their predictability came through loud and clear, and...well, I
think we all know where Mohammed Hassan could have gone as opposed to what actually happened.
Cameron Burge:
I would totally offer the gift of Canadian Bacon's debut article. Because it's the TWF equivelent of recieving socks, a horrid tie and a fruit cake for christmas.
Gershon
Levy: Gotta go with my ECW recap the day we found out what really happened with Benoit (June 26, 2007). It was a column I was really proud of because
instead of being all sad and confused, I just went ahead and took the low road even earning a disclaimer that "this column
may offend some".
Anvil's Swagbag:
From me to you, some Anvil and Joe action. Because this time of year is all about giving, and what better for you fuckwits to
recieve than a bundle of racial abuse, a smattering of one-liners, and an obvious contempt for the world? Heh, and they
say I'm a Scrooge!!
Merry Fucking Christmas.
Sixth
Child: The column I revisit the most at TWF would have to be the Top 50 Real Life Dumbest Wrestler Moments
Ever by Harry Simon (Parts 1, 2 and 3). It's like a really good Vh1 Special without all those fucking annoying unknown comics they seem to find.
Speaking
of Vh1, while it's not wrestling, Harry Simon's TWF Entertainment entry on the Top 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds is another fave, mostly because he shits all over it by pointing out how 2Pac vs. Biggie resulted in their deaths, yet they
didn't make it to #1.
Another is TWF Hell, probably because Sean reached a new low by having the balls to publish it. And just throw in pretty much any of Sean's
BLFK columns; they're the gift that keeps on giving.
Canadian Bacon:
The Baconman chooses the bestest gift you could receive in the ever and one that has a retail value of exactly priceless dollars,
THE BACONTENNIAL. Where me, pro wrestling's greatest and most great even bigtime insider of insideyness gave you the gift of INFORMATION
and even chewed the fat with a few of my wrestling contacts like the Sabu, who has since given up on Genocide since becoming
my friend. That's right. No longer does he have the urge to purge the earth of an entire race of people with offbeat chair
stunts! it's true~! So that's my gift. Merry Christmas to those like me who like me love the jesus! And Happy Hanukah
to those people who killed him! (not Good) And Happy Kwanzaa to those kids that I'm sure would prolly rather be
opening CHRISTMAS GIFTS TOMORROW than chasing a Zebra through the dirty Sudan! This I promise you!
