A couple of year's ago,
in the midst of WWE entering the movie business to create some of the best movies you've never seen in your life, I created
a list of films that I speculated WWE would eventually create, release, then instantly deposit into that
dusty bin in Wal-Mart where you can find *cinematic masterpieces* like Carnosaur, Jack Frost and Police Academy
5: Assignment Miami Beach for like 2 bucks. I was, however, eventually proven WRONG,
as the brilliance of film-making dynamo Scott Wiper (who's ancestors must not have had
the greatest vocation in the world, just saying), obviously could NOT be denied,
and eventually the overwhelming turnout of the fifteen people that bought tickets to The Condemned, forced me, and
others like me, to admit defeat and eat a big plate of crow. A plate, which in addition to my popcorn and movie cola,
cost me about 40 dollars. This is truly how WWE made their money back. I'm telling you...
So, with WWE staying on
that horse, and scheduling MORE movies in the coming year, where no doubt , John Cena will *once again* be denied his rightful Oscar
nod, DESPITE HIP-TOSSING A DUDE THROUGH A FLAMING GAS STATION INFERNO, surely
TNA can also follow suit and throw its (cowboy) hat into the ring? A
RING THAT HAS SIX SIDES, THAT IS~! REVOLUTIONARY! Because, after all, if WWE can be so successful
at marketing films (I understand Condemned has now not been watched in a significantly greater amount of homes than it
was last year!), surely, TNA, pro-wrestling's "Little Engine That Could...if it wasn't for guys whose names rhyme with
Vince Russo and Dutch Mantel", could also get in on this movie "business", and in turn churn out some truly epic films?
That is the big question. Well, fear not! Because here I am to ANSWER THE CHARGE, AND TYPE
IN ALL CAPS TO RELAY THAT I'M REALLY ENTHUSIASTIC OR ANGRILY YELLING, OR BOTH. I mean, why not
TNA? TNA has made HUGE strides. They sometimes get a 1.1 instead of just a 1.0. And that's something that should be revered
and applauded and other words for revered and applauded that I'm too lazy to look up. So, as far as I'm concerned, to
TNA, making movies would be a walk in the park. A park which ironically enough they only leave about 3
times a year. And one that also doubles as a movie lot! Coincidence? Umm, probably.
That all (tediously) said,
I thought to myself, "What's stopping me from creating a few TNA-centric FILMS, to show those WWE guys what
they're missing?" (And not just a good bulk of their former mid-carders. Although, that seems to be about it).
And with in mind, I created a few TNA STRAIGHT-TO-DVD RELEASES! Because,
after all, who better to create films than a company that can't seem to decide who's a heel, who's a face, and just who was
that asshole Abyss murdered and went to jail for if James Mitchell really is his father? And what happened to his
mother who was on TNA last year? And why hasn't TNA admitted Judas Mesias is Abyss's brother, and why is he even called
Abyss if everyone in TNA knows and constantly refers to him as Chris Parks? And holy shit. Never
Now, the big trick
was coming up with ORIGINAL CONCEPTS. But since I don't really believe in
those, it wasn't really a problem, you see. And yes, for the record, I actually avoided taking the cheap route and resisted
creating THE ABYSS for the aforementioned Abyss. Mostly because I couldn't figure out how the aquatic extraterrestrials
could nonsensically incorporate thumb-tacks into saving the earth from potential nuclear destruction.
But enough with this
jibber jabber! Let's get to the movies! You'll be able to find them in 3 months buried under Dark Man 2: Die Darkman Die and
Double Team starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman. It should be something. And terrible.
STRAIGHT TO DVD RELEASES~!
NO COUNTRY FOR CURRY
STARRING: CURRY MAN~!
Tagline: There Are No Clean Getaways. There Is However A Lot
Of Clean Colons.
Plot: A masked hit man is hot (and spicy!) on the trail
of a hunter in possession of a bag full of curried rice, strangely permanently adhered to a plate. Hey, it happens!
Sean's Take: Come on! Who wouldn't want to see a dude kill a
bunch of people with an oxygen-tank-powered hose that propels pungent rice & vegetables? I mean, sure, a person
could argue that everyone he's "tracking" could smell the dude coming a mile away, and thus always escape, but hey,
whatever. He's hot. He's spicy, He tastes great. What more could you want? Him and Chris Daniels in the same room at the same
time? Maybe. Did I mention he kills people with projectile Indian cuisine? Then he dances? My god does he dance. It's
awesome. What's not to love? The explosive diarrhea? Maybe.
BROKEN FREAKIN' FRIDAY.
Starring: Kurt Angle & Jeff Jarrett.
Tagline: Different Bodies. Same Push.
Plot: On one Broken Freakin' Friday, two of TNA's
most historically over-pushed Main-Eventers suddenly find themselves in each
other's bodies! OH NOES. No one really notices the difference, though. Imagine that. But hey, lessons
are learned, as each earns a new appreciation for the other while still getting all the TV time. See!:
Kurt (In Jarrett's body): "I never knew the unbelievable pressure
you were under to defeat so many promising people, whether it made sense or not and was detrimental to the company!
Jeff (in Kurt's body): " R-e-a, double L, y? Me t-double-o!"
Kurt (In Jarrett's body):
" Umm, ya. It really is a small world...."
Jeff (in Kurt's body):
"W-E, double-L, that just makes it easier to beat everybody!"
Kurt (In Jarrett's Body): "So, true! Speaking of which; want to go pin Kaz a few times or
Jeff (In Kurt's body): "I am like SO there. T-H-E-R-E."
Kurt (In Jeff's body): " I was meaning to mention; do ya REALLY have to keep phonetically spelling
every single thing like that?
Jeff (In Kurt's body): "S-O-Double R-Y."
Kurt (In Jeff's body):
Sean's Take : What a movie! It was
so weird to see these two completely opposite people switch roles. Talk about method acting! The way they pinned all those
people so effortlessly and kept getting title reigns, it was like they were really living in each other's skins! Amazing!
Although, I think I could have done with the Kurt as Jarrett anal-sex scene with Karen! I'll never think of the
expression "Slap Nuts" the same way again!
also thought it was a nice touch how Kurt seemingly played every part in this film, was involved in every scene, and
was pretty much the complete and total focal point for two straight hours. If they could apply this to TNA Impact,
I have NO DOUBT they'd somehow defeat WWE! Ahem. Or maybe just score another 1.1.... Forever.
MEET SAMOA JOE BLACK.
Starring: Samoa Joe, The Carters, Vince Russo.
Tagline: Death Never Takes A Holiday. Common Sense Booking? It's Not Expected Back
For A While.
Plot: "Death" comes to Orlando in the form of a portly Samoan named Joe. (Dead Lei?
What? No good?).
on "vacation" (and purposely not signing a lowball contract extension), Joe is taken under the wing of a business mogul
and his daughter, who groom him for leadership of their company. However, it takes three years for anything to really
even happen and you completely lose interest in the movie altogether.
Sean's Take: I thought it was particularly enjoyable the way most of the roster
kept trying to "accidentally" push Vince Russo into The Reaper, hoping something would happen. It's just a shame
he was on vacation!
favorite part though was where Joe just gets demoted half way through the movie, and Christian, Kurt Angle
and Sting all take turns being Grim Reaper, hoping no one notices. They were going to go with a homegrown TNA guy as
Death, but come on. Like anyone would pay to see that! 1.1!
BLACK MACHISMO MOAN.
Starring: Jay Lethal, SoCal Val, Sonjay Dutt.
Tagline: Randy Savage Ain't The Only Macho Man Who Knows How To Keep His Woman
Plot: A God-fearing Macho Man bounds a wild woman (SoCal Val)
in chains, and schools her in the ways of the madness~! That's it. The movie only ends up running 2 hours because
Machismo keeps insisting on saying everything twice. Everything twice!
Sean's Take: This was a ultimately a story of redemption. I think. I actually
stopped understanding after the first sentence out of Machismo's mouth. Something about slithering with the snakes and soaring
with the eagles and being everywhere in-between. I think it's a parable for the unyielding human spirit. Or gibberish.
I'm not quite sure. Oh, you might want to stop the movie once Team 3D nonsensically shows up and kills Lethal and
Dutt, just because.
THE COUNT OF MONTE SOPP.
Starring: Kip James. BG James. And a special appearance from Chuck Palumbo.
Tagline: Prepare For An Assload of Revenge!
Plot: Who cares? It's fucking Billy Gunn. He gets imprisoned for a crime he didn't
commit or something. Which obviously eliminates sodomy. Right, Chuck? Oh, ya, he eventually gets "revenge", all
while hoping Fernand stays bent over long enough so he can slay him with the fame-asser. That's all you need to
know. Trust me. It all works as well as his 1999 King of the Ring Title did. Let's just pretend none of it even happened.
You'll thank me later.
Sean's Take: Just when you think a man couldn't make a puffy pirate shirt look
any gayer, here comes Kip James with his pig-tails and women's orthopedic bicycle shorts! ( You'd think Spandex would
be quite hard to come by in the early 1800's...).
NATURAL BORN RELLIK'S.
Starring: Rellik, Dustin Rhodes.
His Name Means Killer Backward. His Gimmick Is Terrible Frontward.
Plot: "Mickey & Mallory" go on a killing (gnillik?) streak. They're then caught
and easily killed inside 5 minutes by authorities, because come on, when was the last time Rellik beat anyone? I
Sean's Take: That was still 4 minutes more than I had originally predicted.
BIG SEXY, LIES & VIDEOTAPE.
Starring: Kevin Nash!
erotic masterpiece brought to us by acclaimed horror director Sean Waltman ( You may have seen his chilling work
in One Night in China).
Sexy, Lies & Videotape is currently only 1/8th finished, as Big Nash tripped over the best boy and tore every
muscle in his lower body the first day of shooting. We think. Truth is, no one saw him do any of this and it kind of just
happened when he was expected to work. Last week it was a heart-attack. Oh; he's still making one million dollars regardless,
though, so no worries.
TO THE BACK TO THE FUTURE!
Starring: Mike Tenay, Don West.
the greatest story never quite finished being told! Seriously. This movie is the greatest thing I've ever seen in the
Tenay, utilizing "Doc" West's Delorean, powered by plutonium, garbage (Russo Scripts) and baseball cards, travels
back to 1955, 1855, 2015, 2055, 2205, 3005, and many, many, many other completely random destinations,
just because. Truth is, they just keep cutting away for no reason. But boy is it exciting! I mean, it has to be! They're
THURSDAY NIGHT FEVER.
Starring: Glen Gilberti, Dutch Mantel, Vince Russo, Jeff Jarrett, and Abyss. Maybe.
Nobody seems to ever know if he's on the Creative team or not.
people! Come on!
Night Fever is the story of, well, fever. Seriously. These guys have to have some sort of lethal
hallucinogenic condition to come up with all those pole matches and reverse battle royals...
THE PASSION OF CHRISTIAN CAGE.
Starring: Christian Cage. Tomko, AJ Styles.
greatest miracle was making people care about Tomko! His biggest pratfall was being betrayed by AJ Styles for 30 pieces of
silver and an accidental secret marriage to Mary Magdalene. One minute he's just standing there. The next he's married! That's
how this works!
Starring: Robert Roode, Traci Brooks.
him a man. Courage made him a hero. History made him a Legend. A complete lack of personality and base charisma made him difficult
to watch. He's Robert Roode MacGregor, hero of the Scottish Highlands. No, seriously. TNA sees something in this guy and is
not giving up. Not ever. Oh, and just ignore the part where Mary MacGregor has breast implants in the 1700's. Just admire
them. There's some rolling hills I could really get behind! Or on top of. Or
between. Whichever. I'm flexible. Hopefully she is, too.
Ok, so, these
were some pretty shitty movies. I'll admit it. But tell me the truth, you'd still rather watch these than that fucking
Superhero movie, right? Exactly.
See you at
the Movies~! (I'll be the guy in the raincoat being escorted out of the Theater in handcuffs).
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Wrestlecrap, Honky
Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
Send Feedback to Sean Carless