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RETRO SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT

By Justin Shapiro

 
Justin Shapiro

WWE SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT REPORT
November 14, 2004: Allergic Reaction
by
Justin Shapiro

I SAID ARE YOU READY FOR THE SURVIVOR SERIES?
Who will survive?

 

I bought it, for some reason.  However, to punish the Survivor Series for being such a bad card, I bumped it to second class status and ordered the replay after Arrested Development.  Take that, show that still got my same $35 regardless!

 

Match Result: La Resistance beat Hurricane & Rosey

 

Open with the close from Raw as the teams of four strive to surviv...or.  I just took a Benadryl so I'm not very lucid, sorry.  You can call me MISTER Benadryl.

 

Todd and Ivory are outside the Gund Arena and probably pretty cold, though not pretty cool.  Todd says it has not been a good day in Cleveland so far -- ha ha suck it the Browns, p.s. I love you, Uncle Ben -- and I'm guessing it won't get much better with this lineup, which they go over.  Ivory says people on the street have been telling her how grateful they are that WWE is going back to traditional elimination matches.  Weird.  All the people on the streets of Cleveland who've talked to me were mainly interested in getting money.  And homes.

 

Todd tries to diffuse an awkward situation among his colleagues since he's ditched the Coach for Ivory tonight, but Coach is not having it and tells Todd to shut it up.  Inside the arena, Coach introduces the video package for Lita vs. Trish, which is, let's face it, far and away the best built feud on this pay-per-view.

 

Backstage, Maria knocks on Evolution's dressing room door and recites lines to Ric Flair which ask him if she can talk to Triple H.  Flair answers her questions instead, says that he's outraged by the way HHH was treated on Raw and tomorrow night the entire locker room will pay homage to Evolution.  Not to be mean -- or to be mean and feel guilty about it -- but you kind of get the feeling that Maria is this close to speaking the stage directions and the other people's lines in the script and all the other stuff people do in bad audition scenes on sitcoms.*

* Notes from present day: Keep in mind that this was only Maria’s first month under contract and they had not given her the dummy gimmick yet.  You have come a long way, baby.

Tonight: La Resistance vs. Hurricane & Rosey.  Sure why not.

Monster Job of the Week: From Smackdown last month, John Cena does the monster job to Carlito and loses the U.S. Title.

 

At ringside, Michael Cole and Tazz recap the Cena stabbing incident.  Which, based on what we saw tonight, could not have been very bad at all.  Really, if CSI has taught me anything, and it's taught me so much, it's that you just can't stab anybody anymore these days.  Take some tips from the experts at CSI, why don't you.  They would've gone to the nightclub, found the knife, found Cena's blood on it, found Luther Reigns' blood on it since he apparently gets stabbed every week, matched the DNA from Carlito's apple, and convicted him.  And they would've solved the Paul Bearer murder in the same episode.

 

Recap of the Torrie Wilson Sex Test yeah go to hell.

 

Outside, Todd and Ivory discuss Hei den Hei den reich versus the Undertaker.  Here's a video package.  That Snitsky/Heidenreich confrontation tonight was easily the best thing either of those guys will ever do, ever, so they should both quit right now.

 

Inside, Josh Mathews asks Paul Heyman why he pulled Hei den Hei den reich away from his confrontation with Undertaker.  Paul says Heidenreich has a strategy, which is to fight Undertaker on his terms, not Taker's.  Now, what would've been great, greater than Snitsky meets Heidenreich, is if Josh interviewed MAVEN, and was like, "My gosh, we both sure are kicking a lot of butt as of late, aren't we, Maven?"  And Maven was like, "Oh yeah!  Who's ready for Maven?!  I'm Tough Enough!"  And they were both like, "Tough Enough!  What a wonderful, star-making show," while a Million Dollar Tough Enough sign subtly hung behind them.  And then Maven's cell rang and it was Nidia, so he turned it off.  Yeah, that would have been something.*

* Notes from present day: Do you remember the ephemeral Booker T & Josh vs. JBL & Orlando feud?  And a joke about Orlando and small effete men?

 

Let us take you back to the Undertaker/Heidenreich confrontation from Smackdown.  Heidengoseek.

 

WWE Rewind: Shelton Benjamin defeats Tyson Tomko.  Ooh, they also should've done a Christian/Tomko and Carlito/Jesus confrontation.  Christian could've bragged about stabbing Jericho in the back, Carlito could've bragged about stabbing Cena in the intestine.

 

Back to the Coach inside.  He shows a clip of De Troit Basket Ball wearing World Heavyweight Title Belts.  Rumor has it that LeBron is in the house tonight; if so, Coach will get the scoop.  What he should really be wondering is if Mark Cuban is coming back for revenge against Orton, a la Pete Rose and Kane.

 

Coach goes over the Raw matches, then Cole and Tazz discuss the Smackdown side of the card.  Cole thinks the SD matches are better, which is nothing to brag about.

 

Let us take you back to the end of Smackdown and the attack on Big Show.  WWE.com provides exclusive footage of Big Show taking his shoe off.  They truly get the scoops.

 

In the tradition of "Control," "Always," and "Build a Bridge," the official theme song of the Survivor Series is "Ugly."  They do all sound pretty similar, what with the singing, the music, the repeating of the chorus ... actually it's kind of hard to explain, isn't it.  Especially on Benadryl.

 

Todd and Ivory discuss JBL's promise to leave Smackdown if he loses tonight.  Video package for Bradshaw/Booker.  But how can Mr. Layfield be taken at his word when he was pinned by Rikishi on Smackdown on March 18, 2004 -- four days AFTER Wrestlemania 20?  (Paid for by Swift Boat Veterans for Faarooq.)


Moments Ago, Booker T arrived.  Cole puts his money on Booker T tonight, which is not a good sign.  Er, I mean, look at all this incredible heat JBL is building up by coming through on his guarantees to beat the babyfaces every month.

 

There's going to be an Armageddon press conference tomorrow in Atlanta.  "The End Is Here.  Almost."

 

Despite his pleas, the crowd is not very receptive to the Hassan vignette from Monday.  No Merci.

 

Non-Title Match: LA RESISTANCE vs. HURRICANE and ROSEY

Have you seen this match once?  Then congratulations, for you have also seen it one thousand times.  Ross and Lawler are our new announcers.  Hurricane and Sylvain start.  Hurricane hits a suplex and tags in Rosey for stereo legdrops to the face and groin.  Corner whip, Rosey charges into Sylvain's feet, Sylvain with a second rope sunset flip, Rosey sits down on him.  Conway in, Rosey ducks his clothesline and Hurricane halts him with a Hurripose.  Conway whipped into the corner, Grenier whipped into him and back out for a backdrop, Conway avoids an avalanche. 

 

They awkwardly doubleteam Rosey in their corner forever and ever until Rosey gets a Samoan drop on Grenier.  Tag to Hurricane, tag to Conway, clotheslines for everybody.  Grenier clotheslined over the top rope, Conway hit with some twisty Unprettier kind of move for 2.  Hurricane to the top, kicks Grenier off, and delivers a flying bodypress for 1 2 no.  Eye of the Hurricane is shoved off and Hurricane collides with Rosey.  Grenier pulls Rosey off the apron, then sneaks in to hit Au Revoir on Hurricane.  123.  Hurricane could be upset with Rosey again, though we don't get any reaction shots.

 

Video package for the Raw Traditional Survivor Series Match for absolute control.  Eric Bischoff's Vacation is not quite as draconian a selling point as Steve Austin's Career was, but this is, after all, a match with Maven and Gene Snitsky in it.

jmshapyro@yahoo.com

 

My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in DESTRUCITY and PRESS-SLAMMING from WARRIOR University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.

 

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