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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (June 2009)

WWE RAW RANT: (06/01/09) By Cameron Burge
 
Welcome back to the show that has more confusing storylines than a Grimm fairy tale. I’m so full of hate right now. After last weeks, completely Unentertaining comedy segments that rocked the NBA world so much that nobody even gave one iota of a shit, it’s time to follow it up with more of the same!….hopefully not.

Raw 06.01.09

Show opens with a SATAN’S PLAYGROUND around the ring and Legacy inside of it. Orton talks about how Batista should be afraid of him in the cage match. Something to do with running his head into the cage over and over. I’m not sure if he’s trying to be serious or just stuck in some sort of robotic loop. Or maybe he’s an idiot. Orton flips a coin to decide which Legacy member faces Batista in a cage tonight. It’s Cody, the guy who got raped by Triple H in a cage not too long ago. Cody says Cage Matches are in his blood. Orton shows us how he will win by leaving the cage. He’s then interrupted by a prop. Oh wait, it’s Ric Flair. Ric says he’s here to tell Orton what he’s gonna do to him tonight.

Ric is stuck in a loop too, calling him a punk over and over. My god…one IS robot and one is an idiot. I’ll let you guess which is which. Orton finally accepts his challenge. He then proceeds to say something that makes no sense at all but is somehow supposed to be threatening.

Random Commercial Thought: I steal money from children.

Back to the show. Cody is going to do his cage match right now but he decides to go ahead do his entrance again just to bother us. Batista is out next to wreck his shit because nobody EVER interferes in Cage matches….

Batista vs. Cody Rhodes (Steel Cage Match)

Batista blocks every attempt by Cody to do anything, including a DDT. Cody tries to leap out of the cage but can’t run, getting his head squished by a boot against the cage. Batista decides using metal is too good of an idea and goes back to a regular assault until Cody kicks him, only to be thrown into the cage and take a spear. Orton makes his way out but Cody takes a spine buster. Rhodes tries to escape but he’s dragged off into the Batista Bomb form the top of the cage and the three. Despite Lillian having told us you could only win by escaping. Lying bitch.
Winner: Batista

In the back, Big Show is whining about having to team up with the Miz. That’s what she said. They draw Cena’s partner out of a bag and it turns out it’s Chavo. Big Show says he will hurt Chavo if he gets in the way as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Pringles are the shit.

Back to the show it’s Diva tag time! Hey, where are you going?!

Mickie James & Kelly Kelly vs. Diva’s Champion Maryse & Beth Phoenix w/ Rosa Mendez

Mickie tries to get past the ref and just attack Maryse as she dives to the floor. Beth starts us off and Mickie dodges her attacks, flipping out of a back breaker attempt. Mickie overpowers Phoenix and picks up a two count before Kelly tags in. Beth immediately just squashes her for a two count. King says he got a French hug from Maryse which I assume just means it’s a hug with more tongue. Maryse tags in and gets taken down by Kelly. Beth comes in and the ref just ignores her. Mickie lands a senton on Beth but Rose distracts for Beth to take out Mickie. Kelly turns around into a DDT from Maryse for three.
Winners: Phoenix & Maryse

King pimps the parking lot fight between Flair and Orton.

Random Commercial Thought: Von Kaiser says GIVE THEM THE UPPERCUT!

Back to the show where we get a replay of how Cryme Tyme distracted Shelton and his partner for the Colon family. For some reason Primo and Carlito are going to take on Regal and Hardy….whyyyy? Apparently they will be up for a title shot if they win despite not teaming against anyone else ever.

William Regal & Matt Hardy vs. Unified Tag Team Champions Primo Colon & Carlito Caribbean Cool (Non-title Match)

Regal starts off with Primo and just delivers a pummeling before tagging in Hardy. Hardy slams him into the corner a couple of times before Regal comes in. King and Cole decide it’s worth constantly bickering over Hardy’s hand. Regal comes in and works over the arm as King says they don’t have a lot of continuity. Whatever the fuck that means. They aren’t a story. Cole starts using the term too and now I’m just annoyed. Hardy tags himself in and tries to pick up a pin for himself to be a dick. He delivers some leg drops and misses a last one after some taunting. Primo makes the tag as Regal comes in. A springboard dropkick levels regal, followed by a leg drop. Springboard elbow picks up a two count when Hardy breaks it up. Hardy cheap shots Primo, making Primo distract the ref. Hardy tries to use the cast on Carlito but he hits Regal, allowing the Apple Jack for the win.
Winners: Colons

I’m surprised those two were even in a match instead of interfering in the US title match later.

Random Commercial Thought: The explosion changed my life. It killed me.

Back to the show. Flair is just wandering in the parking lot when Batista approaches. Flair doesn’t want to be told to stop. Flair says people have forgotten. Who? Matt and Regal are in the back complaining to Vickie that they want another shot. They have aplan for her to take on Santino tonight in a warmup match. This causes a random outburst of Spanish. They explain it to her further in whispers before we cut to Cena running into Chavo in the back who says he has his back. Wait a minute….Chavo has a shirt?

Back to ringside for The Miz’s entrance. God, I wouldn’t want to miss that. Miz says kids love Cena like they love the Jonas Brothers and Spongebob. Spongebob gets a FUCKING MASSIVE pop. He categorizes Cena with Hanna Montana as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I dig Spongebob.

Back to the show where Big Show, Chavo and Cena make their less impressive entrances.

Big Show & The Miz vs. John Cena & Chavo Guerrero

Big Show screams at The Miz to get his ass on the apron or he’ll club him with his hand that is totally the size of a frying pan or a toaster or some shit. Cena tries to out punch Show but eats a side slam and several scoop slams. Cena trips Show up after a head butt and tries to put on the STF, but Show throws him off to the floor. Miz attacks him on the floor against the table. Show tells him not to touch Cena or else. OR ELSE. Cena is whipped into the corner but he dodges a charge by Show. Cena tries a scoop slam, only for Show to fall on him for two. Big Show starts driving some knees into him but Miz tags himself in. Show drops a leg drop on Cena. Miz rolls in and covers for two.

Miz works Cena over in the corner and delivers his leaping clothesline. Cena comes back with the general offense but Big Show tags himself in blindly during the FU. Big Show delivers a choke slam, but the ref didn’t see it so he drags Miz back to the corner to tag him in. Miz refuses to tag and Big Show knocks him out with one punch. LOL. Chavo then tags himself in and pins Miz. ROFLMAO.
Winners: Chavo & Cena

Cena then kindly gives an FU to Chavo. Cena calls out Show and goes toe to toe only to be shoved off. Cena fights him off in the corner and leaps off right into the big punch. It’s like fucking Bald Bull up in here. Show goes for a camel clutch while he’s at it.

Random Commercial Thought: Black and white makes it hardcore.

Back to the show. Josh is in the back talking to MVP and Kofi. They talk each other up as awesome. Kofi then proceeds to suck his dick. Josh asks which is gonna win to stir shit up.. They both say they are gonna win. Kofi makes fun of the fact MVP is on the View. That’s pretty gay I must admit. They waste no time in getting out to the ring as it’s time to pit our only two black men on this show against each other. This black on lack violence has to end. Wait a minute…someone had Sherri Shepherd and MVP crown the king and queen of a high school prom? Why the fuck? Cole never went to prom. Pussy…..neither did I….I’m lonely inside.

Kofi Kingston vs. United States Champion MVP (US Title Match)

They tie up and Kofi is thrown off. Kofi tries for a trip but MVP skips over it. They tie up again and MVP works the arm, Kofi rolling through it but he keeps it locked on. MVP and Kofi roll together to keep the arm wrench held. Kofi kicks his way off but a follow up kick is blocked. Kofi works a headlock while MVP loudly calls moves like an idiot. Kofi works the headlock down but is countered by a head scissor. Kingston is wishing he’s African and not Jamaican so he could be good at other sports besides bobsledding. Kingston works a couple of rollups and gets a set of two counts. MVP rolls into the corner while Kofi taunts him and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Tigers are in my house all the time.

Back to the show where MVP is working Kofi down to the mat. Kingston fights his way out with some elbows while I’m fucking tired of hearing about the goddamned View. WRESTLING FANS DON’T WATCH THE FUCKING VIEW. Kingston powers back with a pin but MVP runs him over with a huge boot for two of his own. MVP delivers ballin’ and picks up another two. Kingston slides out of the corner through the ropes and catches MVP with a kick but he’s met up top. MVP follows him up for a superplex THAT WORKS! What the hell? MVP picks up a two count. Black power. Kingston dodges a clothesline and wraps around for a toll up for two. They start rolling through each other’s pins for two counts before clothes lining each other.

Both men stumble up to punches. Kingston springs off the ropes from a toss by MVP but he sees it coming and catches him in a German suplex pin for two. Kingston delivers a nice sweep to pin for two of his own. MVP sets up the play maker but Kingston spin out into Trouble in Paradise. MVP ducks it and goes for a suplex. Kingston slips out but a hurricanrana is countered into a roll up. Kingston rolls through and pins for three.
Winner: Kingston

The….the match finished…holy shit. MVP offers the belt to Kingston himself. Elsewhere, Orton is advised not to fight Flair when Ric has nothing to lose by Dibiase. He says some famous last words they could put on his Tombstone Pizza. At ringside, Vickie arrives for her match with buckets of slop that certainly aren’t peas, creamed corn, and cereal.

Random Commercial Thought: I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there’s no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheet of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat anybody. A rock would tear that shit up in two seconds. When I play rock, paper, scissors, I always choose rock. Then, when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, “Oh shit, I’m sorry. I thought paper would protect you. You asshole.”

Back to the show where Santino is here for his match now. He takes the slop and waves it menacingly at Vickie as Regal and Hardy sneak up from behind. He swings it a circle and splashes it all over them, but they beat him down afterward for his trouble. Exploder suplex from Regal. Clean the fucking camera off guys. Hardy delivers a cast shot to the face. Afterward, he’s coated in slop. Just like real Italians.

Random Commercial Thought: Randy Savage finally got a DVD? Good for him.

Back to the show. And now a trailer for the ladder match at Extreme Rules, which is currently the only real match worth looking forward to in my opinion. Cole and King are in the ring again to talk about every match like we did last time. Bathroom break.

Random Commercial Thought: Wow, hardly missed you commercials.

Back to the show where Orton is looking for Flair who is using his secret ninja training to somehow hide from sight. Orton looks through cars but Flair sneaks up from behind car to throw him into a steel door. Flair stomps him and kicks him into the door delivering some chops. Orton tries to fight back but keeps getting hit around and thrown into things and stomped on. The power of the champ, ladies and gentleman. Orton fights back and throws Flair through…some boxes. Orton is tossed onto some kind of box on wheels and wheeled off into a table. Flair goes back to the chops. Orton appears to have gotten cut as they fight back through the back toward the arena. It’s too dark to see what they are doing right now. Crocheting maybe. Orton gains the upper hand as they fight out to the side of the ring ramp. Orton stomps on Flair all over the ring ramp. Orton slowly…ever…so…slowly punches on Flair.

God, this is boring as it could be. Flair hooks a crotch kick when Orton tries to throw him. Flair proceeds to stomp all over him. Orton rolls down the ramp from a chop. Flair pulls Orton back by the mouth and then punches him in the head a few times. And uh…for some reason the cage is down. Flair throws Orton into the side of it. Who the fuck put that there? Flair slams Orton into the ring steps and chops him into the crowd. Flair clears the announce table and slams Orton back to the cage. Flair beats Orton onto the table and stomps his knee then he…does a Figure Four on it because this makes it more powerful I guess. Rhodes and Dibiase finally break things up and beat him down into the cage. Cole says this is a mugging. I assume they took his wallet? Orton screams for Legacy to keep beating Ric down while Batista is apparently cooling his heels somewhere.

Orton has them lock him and Flair into the cage. Rhodes doesn’t know how to lock the fucking door, retard. Batista FINALLY comes down now and can’t get in. Climb the cage, retard….climb the cage…fucker, you climb these things all the time, dumbass. Batista tries to climb like Smackdown vs. Raw mode but the force of an RKO on Flair knocks him off I guess. Batista takes his frustrations out on a trashcan. Orton delivers the soccer kick to Flair but the angle shows him utterly whiffing it as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Do you have to even ask? The US Title match was amazing.

Lowlight of Night: Hogslop? Yay….

WWE “Creative” Award: Orton looks like a CHUMP, getting destroyed by an old man. What the hell?

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 
 
 

WWE RAW RANT: (06/08/09) By Cameron Burge
 
Welcome back to the Raw Rant. Is everybody paying attention? This is the last edition of the Raw Rant that will be written on this piece of shit that I call a laptop (others might call it a paperweight). I’ll be upgrading from this tractor to the USS Enterprise.

Raw 06.08.09

Show opens with cage match replays and how Batista won last night by walking out of the fucking way of a running kick. Good job Charlie Browning it up. Batista comes out to talk about how awesome he is. Orton interrupts to stare from the ring entrance. I have a theory that Orton doesn’t ever wear pants because his thighs are too bloated to fit in any. The rest of Legacy attacks from behind with chairs. Batista fights everyone off but is interrupted trying to deliver a Batista Bomb to Orton. They beat him down in a corner and sandwich Batista’s arm in a chair before stomping on it. Orton puts an arm bar on while the chair is still sandwiched on there. Man…he has a chair for an arm…HE COULD PUNCH PEOPLE WITH A CHAIR! Batista is eventually helped by the lazy bastards from the back.

Random Commercial Thought: Randal “Randy” Savage stole his name from Vandal Savage of DC comic fame.

Back to the show where Batista is acting like a little bitch as he’s put on a stretcher….despite having an arm injury and his legs are just fine. We cut to ringside for Kofi Kingston to arrive….and Lillian announces him as the IC champion like a stupid retard. William Regal says he’ll save us from Jamaican champion…by replacing him with an Englishman.

William Regal vs. US Champion Kofi Kingston (Non-title Match)

Regal starts off strong, running Kingston over. He counters a sunset flip and sits on Kingston. Kingston comes back with a dropkick and some chest slaps. He levels Regal with another dropkick and lands the Boom Boom Boom. Regal comes back and sets up the rising knee, but Kingston dodges. He misses the Trouble in Paradise, but then he just does another one anyone and hits it.
Winner: Kingston

After the match, we cut to an interview with Orton in the back. Nobody gives a shit at anything that is, but if you want to know what is said, then just replace it all with some random white noise and you are good to go.

Random Commercial Thought: Creamed Corn. Yeah.

Back to the show where Kelly Kelly is here to be as unentertaining as humanly possible. Mickie James is here as well to see this match, wearing a dress that is hideous and apparently made from a bed sheet. But at least she looks hot in it.

Kelly Kelly vs. Diva’s Champion Maryse (Non-title Match)

The match begins with both girls laying on the mat with a grip on each other’s hair. Kelly proceeds to botch everything she possibly can in this match but does a nice back flip out of a foot catch. Kelly falls out of a back breaker attempt and starts landing several pin attempts and roll ups on Maryse. Kelly fucks most of them up but Maryse just squashes her and does a pin that looks more like sex than a pin.
Winner: Maryse

After the match, Mickie calls out Maryse but she leaves. We learn that is Batista doesn’t come back tonight to meet Orton’s challenge for a rematch, he will lose by default. How this makes any fucking sense is beyond me.

Random Commercial Thought: Dinosaurs existed during the ice age. Education rules.

Back to the show where we get a replay of the hog pen match. King’s shirt is ridiculous tonight. Richard Simmons would not be caught dead in that. Josh asks Vickie about the stipulations for Batista’s match and asks why she is being such a bitch. Maryse is then seen talking to the Miz about how he needs to actually beat Cena or he’s not getting any French Bread tonight. Ha. We cut to the ring where Hornswoggle, Goldust, Santino, and Festus are teaming up….God help us all.

Random Commercial Thought: Public Enemies is going to be great.

Back to the show where the bell rings.

Goldust, Festus & Santino Marella w/ Hornswoggle vs. Jamie Noble, The Brian Kendrick GAY) & Chavo Guerrero

Oh snap, Festus is running wild and crushing everything. He just continues to beat on Kendrick in the corner until he tags in Goldust. Goldust keeps the pressure on in the corner until Chavo comes in and works over Goldust some. Jamie Noble gets some cheap shot sin from outside. Santino makes the tag and immediately gets his shit wrecked. All hell breaks loose as Kendrick throws Hornswoggle to the wolves. This somehow ends with Horny being thrown into Kendrick with a cross body and Santino lands the surprise victory on Jamie Noble from behind. Wait, what?
Winners Goldust, Santino, and Festus

Random Commercial Thought: It takes a village to raise an idiot. Or just one poor white woman.

Back to the show where the Miz is here to “entertain” us. I didn’t pay attention to anything he said, but it’s essentially the same speech he’s been giving about Cena for weeks anyway. Cena actually responds by coming out for the match this time. The Big Show decides to interrupt this. Cena kicks The Miz out of the ring literally but when he tries to FU the Big Show, he fails and gets choke slammed. Cena passes out in a camel clutch but The Miz arrives to beat Show down with a chair until he’s on the ground. He then beats Cena with the chair as well. Show gets back up and chases Miz off in a huff. For a guy that just got destroyed with a chair he seems to be only mildly annoyed. I get like that when people punch me in the kidneys too.

Random Commercial Thought: This is the point in my life when I look back and go “Damn, I spent too much time masturbating.”

Back to the show where MVP is here to wrestle Matt Hardy for the fiftieth time. MVP says if he wins he will be in the 3 for all for the WWE title next week. I’m not even sure what he’s talking about, but I’m sure it’s a bad idea. Before we get the match started the camera guy zooms in on Matt’s nipple. He’s been doing stupid crap like this all night. Is this guy new or something?

MVP vs. Matt Hardy

The match starts and Matt Hardy is working MVP over, pulling him off the turnbuckles and picking up a two count. King and Cole can just not get off the issue of if his wrist is broken. King talks about how painful a broken wrist is to himself, but that’s probably because his entire move set is punches and a flying punch. MVP comes back, but Hardy catches him with a suplex. MVP powers back with punches and decks Hardy before delivering a face breaker on the knee. MVP delivers Ballin’ and picks up a two count since it’s just a fucking taunt move. Only Batista could lose to a move about basketballs. Running kick in the corner misses entirely. Hardy fails to capitalize when MVP attacks the hand and delivers the Playmaker.
Winner: MVP

Random Commercial Thought: Nothing says love like your hair on someone else’s deodorant.

Back to the show. We get ourselves an overview of Extreme Rules and a pimping for next week’s Raw. And now, since we haven’t had enough ugly, Vickie Guerrero. King talks about what’s wrong with her with snorts and squeals just to be a dick. He was subsequently fired. Okay not really but you know you were hoping for it too. Vickie, clad tonight in hooker red, says she knows a lot of us are upset about the rematch. This camera man is obsessed with his fucking zoom as we are so close to her face right now we can see the chunks of food sandwiched in her teeth. She’s mad that people didn’t care about her last night so she’s punishing us by making us unhappy with her decisions. She says she has decided to resign and quit. I…I think I just heard angels singing and birds take flight. I think a baby just smiled. I think I got an erection.

Edge now decides to grace us with his appearance. Edge says he came to apologize, but since she quit he’s divorcing her instead because he only married her for the power. He says she no longer has power so she can just fuck off. He says that every time he kissed her he had to run to the bathroom to dry heave. He says they never actually had sex, which is nice at least. She sobs and screams. This is probably the only actually good acting from her ever. Ever. Vickie screams and shrieks on the ground as the crowd sings the usual for her.

Random Commercial Thought: Please don’t fuck over good songs for your commercials in the future.

Back to the show. We get a replay of Cena getting his ass kicked again and now he’s going to be interviewed about it. Few people every get a chance to talk about the most embarrassing ass kickings of their lives on national TV, but in wrestling the opportunity comes often. He talks about Show and Miz having a lot of beef with him for little reason. He says he sort of respects Miz for trying to make a name for himself but he’s yet to meet him face to face now. In the near future they’ll be meeting though. Off to ringside for Priceless who are about to take on Primo and Carlito.

Random Commercial Thought: Chocolate has regenerative properties.

Since we didn’t want to see the beginning of this match I guess, we come back to the match already in progress.

Unified Tag Team Champions Primo & Carlito vs. Priceless (non-title match)

Primo is coming back on Cody Rhodes with an enziguiri and makes the tag to Carlito. Carlito wrecks Rhodes and delivers a dropkick that picks up a two count. Cheap shot from Rhodes allows him to get up but he finds himself being knocked back down. Rhodes distracts the ref, allowing a cheap shot from Dibiase. Rhodes nails a DDT on Carlito but his hair absorbs most of the impact, allowing him to kick out at two. Dibiase makes the tag and keeps the pressure on, yay headlocks. Dibiase drags Carlito back to the heel corner by the head until Carlito fights free and whips Dibiase into a hip toss. Dibiase counters and nails him with a sharp kick to the head. Dragged back to the heel corner as dead weight, apparently going for a pin on a limp person is a bad idea.

Rhodes tags in and the ref is distracted by Primo trying to stop a double team as they both stomp on his arm. Rhodes covers for two. Dibiase makes the tag back in and drops some elbows. People should really learn to hang onto their elbows, they are always getting dropped. Dibiase picks up a two count and Carlito tries to fight back only to get knocked flat. with a punch. Double arm wrench by the heels and Rhodes tags in. He just kicks Carlito a little and tags back out to Dibiase. Some mounted punches by Dibiase here. The crowd is practically asleep now. Rhodes back in again now and her works Carlito over, going for what at first looks like an Oklahoma rolls but he seems to forget what move it is halfway through and switch into a camel clutch. Carlito breaks free and dives to Primo.

Primo dances in and delivers a cartwheel side kick to Dibiase. Primo picks up two when Cody breaks the pin. Primo falls into a cheap shot but blocks the three count. He tries to keep up the momentum but a hang up by Rhodes from the outside sends Primo back ito Dibiase to eat Dream Street for the three.
Winners: Priceless

Orton is on his way with the belt e jacked earlier to wait for his free win while we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Team Four Star’s Dragonball Z Abridged on you tube and thatguywiththeglasses.com is better than any show on right now.

Back to the show where Orton is happy about Priceless winning and replays for us what happened to Batista. The show has just hit the 10 o’clock mark now though so he better hurry the fuck up. Dibiase and Rhodes decide not to leave the ring as we get the match started here with Lillian introducing Orton and then Batista. The ref doesn’t care to get the other two out of the ring.

The match starts! Huzzah, the action is intense as we see an ambulance at the entrance. They argue with the ref that he needs to finish the ten count as he gets to nine. He refuses to finish because the ambulance is coming back. We then cut to Triple H as being…somewhere. Dibiase and Rhodes grab chairs. Triple H is seen exiting the ambulance with a sledgehammer. Swerve? Dibiase and Rhodes fail to hit any chair shots, each getting one-shotted by the hammer. Triple H tosses the hammer aside and goes all shirtless Conan mode before coming to the ring. Last time he just pulled a hammer from his ass. Instead he decides to go for fisticuffs and they brawl with Orton turning tail and running. Trips chases him around the ring, slamming Orton into everything. Orton retrieves a chair, but it fails. The ref still hasn’t bothered to disqualify anyone. What a nice guy. Trips clears off the announce table but Orton fights back. Trips gives chase off through the
 crowd. Ten minutes over time now. Orton is crawling in fear along the concrete back through the crowd. Orton is tossed back to ringside where he gets his chair again and hides in the corner of the ring. Trips delivers a spine buster for his trouble. Trips then takes Orton own with the chair and proceeds to beat him with it. Trips traps his head with a boom and nails him in the neck with the edge of the chair in his ninth consecutive chair shots. That’s how you kill vipers, separate head from the body. The crowd chants for a pedigree. Trips agrees and delivers one onto the chair. Trips proceeds to celebrate as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Um…uh…VICKIE QUIT FUCK YEAH.

Lowlight of the Night: WHO CARES? VICKIE QUIT.

WWE “Creative” Award: AHAHAHAHAHA NO VICKIE!

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (06/15/09) By Cameron Burge
 
Sometimes I wish that the WWE would take a page from Marvel and DC and make all the stupid nonsensical shit happen in some alternate universe so we can all be safe from the repercussions of it. That would also explain why they insist on talking about the WWE Universe all the time. They could just start calling it the WWE Multiverse and we’ll all be happy. Wouldn’t that be grand?….I know I’m asking for a lot here but SUSPEND YOUR DISBELIEF.

Raw 06.15.09

Show opens with the announcement that Vinnie Mac is here to announce a new GM tonight. It’s going to be General Motors. Just you watch. We get a replay of last week’s non-finish before theme and pyro bring us to all three announce crews on hand. We have all the titles up on the line but for now it’s Chris Jericho time. He decides to give a speech in blue light because…um. Blue is cool? He gives a speech about Mysterio needing to lose his mask to be set free. Like a gimp? In response, Rey Rey arrives in quite possibly the yellowest thing ever.

Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio (Intercontinental Title Match)

I’m so glad they are giving away these matches for free! Jericho gets tackled right away and hit with a head scissor before being clotheslined to the floor. Mysterio gets a leg drop in on Jericho when he comes back, picking up a two count. For some reason we have a countdown in the corner showing us when we will have our first major title match tonight, being the WWE title in half an hour. Jericho tosses Mystrerio head first into the announce desk as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Pizza is for gangstas.

Back to the show. Rey hits an enziguiri and then follows up with a hurricanrana for two. Jericho tries a corner charge but hit’s the ring post and gets kicked to the floor. Flying Mexican over the top takes him down. They exchange some quick falls and it goes into “Counter my counter” mode. Mysterio sets up the 619 but misses and sets himself upf or one. Jericho goes for it, but Mysterio moonsaults for two. Rey tries to finish things, but Jericho turns his mask around and lands the code breaker.
Winner: Jericho

It’s announced the WWE title is officially vacant and there will be a fatal four way for it. This marks the second time in recent memory Batista immediately lost the belt after winning it.

Random Commercial Thought: At least they got rid of the insinuation that he put his dick in the oven. God.

Back to the show. I put my dick in an oven once. We shall never speak of it again. We come to Orton who has pointless crap to say until Cena interrupts him to remind him Triple H is the only person in the ring with him tonight. Enough of that. Lets go to Vince who says he is not announcing a new GM, he’s selling Monday Night Raw….uh…wut? He says he will announce who it is right after the match for the WWE title. He says he would have originally told people there was no chance in hell he would sell Raw to this person until now. Obviously he has sold it to Cthulu. Good move.

Random Commercial Thought: And now for something completely different. A man with a tape recorder up his nose.

Back to the show where King is pissed. I would be too. Cthulu is a bitch to work for. And now the ECW title match, which apparently isn’t important enough to have warranted a countdown. Ha.

ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer (LOLwut?) vs. Christian (ECW Title Match)

Match starts with some awkward chain wrestling. The fight takes little time to fall to the floor. Back in the ring, Dreamer takes control and delivers a reverse DDT that picks up a two count. Christian then signals a  corner charge to eat a big clothesline for another two. Christian performs a slower version of Kofi’s corner slip out kick. Her leaps off the top and they both roll through for two counts. Christian gets a bit of a cheap shot in and misses a top rope leap, hurting his ankle. Christian tries for the Killswitch but Dreamer escapes and uses his finisher of the small package for three.
Winner: Dreamer

I swear it’s his finisher, really.

Random Commercial Thought: Our auto dealers force you to fight them in a duel to the death to get a good deal.

Back to the show where John Cena and others tell us not to try this at home….unless you are the Hardys of course…..or Cena….or Mysterio….or Edge and Christian….actually fuck it, that’s how you get discovered! In the back, useless divas are discussing if Oprah might have bought Raw. Yes of course, it all makes sense now…oh wait no it doesn’t. SHUT UP YOU WHORE.

Time to get to the WWE title match.

Randy Orton vs. The Big Show vs. Triple H vs. John Cena (WWE Heavyweight Title Fatal Four Way)

The two pairs split off. Trips works Orton over out on the floor and beats him right out into the crowd. Cena is thrown all the way across the ring by Big Show and Triple H returns to stare him down (up?) as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: You know, there was a time when I would have made a coming out of the closet joke here. That time is still happening.

Back to the show where Cena is trying to rally back against Big Show with the assistance of Triple H. They start to double team him and send Big Show out through the ropes with a Cena shoulder block. Orton has been taking a nap on the outside all this time I guess. Cena gains the upper hand and tries for a Five Knuckle Shuffles. Trips counters into the spine buster, but Cena counters the Pedigree into the FU. Trips slips out and they both get clotheslined by Big Show. Orton is back too and once again the heels split off on the faces. Big Show gets double teamed again when Trips breaks away, but a double choke slam fails to a behind shot from Orton. Orton tries to punt Show but is cought and owned. Big Show tosses him out and delivers a top rope splash to Cena for two when Orton breaks it up. Orton is thrown back to the floor and Trips eats a spear from Big Show for two. Show climbs the ropes for another splash, this on Trips.

Trips rolls out of the way and Orton gets back in for an RKO on Show. He’s just chucked right off. Trips goes for a pedigree on Show and hits it because he’s a good guy but he’s scooped by Cena into an FU. Cena covers Show instead of the weaker guy because he’s retarded and Show kicks out. Cena scoops Show for an FU and lands it but only gets two before Orton is in again. Orton tosses Cena and delivers the RKO to Show and picks up the win. Man Big Show really got his shit wrecked here.
Winner: Orton

Orton gets the fuck out of Dodge as soon as he can.  Everyone else sits around like members of Green Day and look pretty pissed off.

Random Commercial Thought: You can’t trust the darkies.

Back to the show where Vince arrives to tell us he did some soul searching. He couldn’t find it I guess. He tries to build suspense but I can hear the Monty Python crew yelling GET OVER IT. It turns out to be Donald Trump.  Wow. I don’t care. Trump says Vince never showed his appreciation to the Raw audience. Vince keeps trying to interject but nobody gives a shit. His first act is that next week Raw will be commercial free. That’s right. We’ll get commercials free of charge….oh wait he means no commercials. Vince says he’s lost his marbles and Donald says he’ll be here next week. I’m confused by all this. Vince cuts him off in anger since Donny won’t shut up. Vince tells us there will be a 10-man Battle Royale for the #1 contender to Orton’s new belt. And now commercials! Yay! I’m gonna miss you guys….

Random Commercial Thought: I need a stiff drink. God help us.

Back to the show Mickie James is out to rake on Rosa Mendez. Rosa has decided that even though she is always seen in pants, she should wear a skirt to fight in. Makes perfect sense. Beth is told to sit this one out by Rosa before Maryse comes to sit at the announce table. Oh no she didn’t!

Rosa Mendez vs. Mickie James

Rosa gets punched down by forearm shots. Mickie goes up top and Rosa dives to the outside to avoid the senton. Mickie tries to drag her back in by the hair but eats a cheap shot. Running neck breaker from Rosa gets a couple of two counts as she gets frustrated and decides to hump her back instead. Uh huh…..Rosa delivers some mounted punches and chokes Mickie over the middle rope with her leg. I’m not sure if Rosa thinks she is in a wrestling match or a porno. Mickie fights her way out of a chinlock and dodged a corner charge. She goes to some running clotheslines and running dropkick for two. Mickie then plants her with a DDT for the three.
Winner: Mickie

Mickie invites Maryse into the ring who decides to comes up to the apron and pose in her outfit that’s so ugly it makes the Diva’s title look good. Mickie just chases her off as Maryse taunts her.

Random Commercial Thought: It’s official. This is not happening on Earth-616.

Back to the show where The Miz is out. Goldust and Hornswoggle were there with the shirt gun but I’m pretending to choose they don’t exist…wait a minute. Damnit! Miz demands to be the new face of Raw for Trump. We then see Goldust and Horny are still there (DAMNIT!). He demands they leave. Goldust says the mind games have not been working for Miz. He asks him where his imagination and creativity are. He does an imitation of Miz and says he should call himself the Wiz…and put on a musical? Because everyone gets up to take one when he starts talking. Miz points out Goldy hasn’t been relevant for like ten years and then beats him up and shoots Horny in the balls with the shirt launcher. Awesome. I love you Miz….for now. You’ll probably piss me off by wrestling soon.

Random Commercial Thought: Aren’t there any other commercials? I’m tired of this chocolate one. Step it up.

Back to the show where CM Punk talks to Josh Matthews and Matt Hardy about what he did to Hardy. He doesn’t seem to care much about that or Matt at all. Thanks for that scenes which meant absolutely nothing. And now, Edge dumping Vickie last week. We cut to ringside for the World Title match as we go back to commercials. That was fun.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t get the obsession with singing about sandwiches.

Back to the show where CM Punk joins Edge and Hardy.

World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk vs. Edge vs. Jeff Hardy (Triple Threat World Heavyweight Title Match)

Punk takes early control with Hardy being taken out in the corner. Punk sends Edge to the floor and delivers a suicide dive. That move should be renamed because no one ever seems to die from it. Hardy cross bodies the both of them afterward and drags Punk back into the ring. A dropkick to the back of the head gets a two count for Hardy. Punk powers back and picks up two of his own. Edge is on the outside playing solitaire with himself. Punk puts the Joker, I mean Hardy, in a headlock. Edge comes in and delivers big boots to both but when he goes for a superplex on punk, he’s thrown off by Hardy. Edge lifts Hardy off when he tries to deliver one himself into an electric chair. Punk leaps off but misses Hardy when he counters the chair into a hurricanrana for two.

Random Commercial Thought: Carfax or whatever it is of the devil and you should not follow it!

Back to the show. Hardy makes a save as he is just coming back to the ring. Edge delivers a spear with a clothesline combo from Hardy. He stops the pin and delivers the low leg drop to Edge before dropkicking them both. He picks up a two count on Punk. Punk tosses Hardy and tries to drag Edge back into the ring but Hardy is back to knock them both out. He tries for the Swanton on Punk but Edge causes him to rack himself. Edge sets up for the Spear but it’s countered into a power slam by Punk. All three of them just roll around on the ground in pain. This is how my Friday nights look. Punk tries the GTS on Edge and is pushed out of it into the Twist of Fate by Hardy. He escapes and leaps over Edge’s spear which hits Hardy instead. Edge covers for two when Punk breaks it up.

Punk battles back to Edge and pushes him to the corner but Edge dodges the Pespi One and throws him to the floor. Punk seems to have hit his knee on the ring steps and crawls along the ground. Back in the ring, Edge and Hardy cross body each other. Hardy hit’s the Whisper in the Wind and covers but Punk makes the save. Hardy kicks Punk’s knee out over and over on the outside. Back in, Edge small packages for two and eats a Twist of Fate. Hardy goes up top and lands the Swanton but is dragged to the floor by Punk. Punk spears him into the steel steps and slides in to cover for three himself.
Winner: Punk

Teddy Long swagger out all pimp to tell us that Hardy and Punk will go one on one at the Bash. Why do we still have that PPV? It always goes badly.

Random Commercial Thought: In the Year One, you can see how people magically knew English and pop culture references from the year 2009. They were all psychics back then.

Back to where Primo and Carlito are here to take on The Hart Dynasty or Foundation depending on which announcer you listen to. Legacy is at ringside because they have a title shot set up for the Bash.

Unified Tag Team Champions Primo & Carlito vs. The Hart Dynasty (Non-title Match)

Primo starts off with Davey and seems to work him over with the most botched head scissors ever. He just sort of falls off on his head and it still hurts him somehow. The Harts team up on him in the corner and Davey busts his back. Primo breaks away and makes the tag to Carlito. Carlito seems to have the advantage but gets caught up in the corner by Davey. The Colons battle back and rather than actually see this match, Legacy comes in and stomps the Colons down. Okay? That was fast.
Winners: Colons

Random Commercial Thought: We could just all eat tacos.

Back to the show where we get a replay of what happened between Vince and Donald. Vince then has an awkward conversation with Santino about him and Santina’s jobs under Donald. Vince has his theme song as his fucking ring tone lol. He apparently is talking to Donald about being a bit of an ass. Donald wants to make an announcement after the Battle Royale. Vince says just to do it himself. Vince says he hates Billionaires with massive egos. Santino says he must hate himself. This leads to yet another awkward conversation. Like most dates I’ve ever been on.

We’re off to ringside for the members of the Battle Royale. It starts with MVP, who doesn’t make the cue for his theme song. Everyone is kinda awkward until he finally stumbles out from the back like the fucking Shockmaster. Other entrants we see are Matt Hardy, William Regal, Kofi Kingston, and the Big Show pulling double duty tonight it seems.

Random Commercial Thought: If I actually thought during commercials, my head might explode.

Back to the show where Trips and Cena arrive. Trips has apparently decided to bust out the Bow Down to the Game song for seemingly no reason. Just to be a dick I guess.

10-Man #1 Contender’s Battle Royale

Go go Gadget Clusterfuck. It’s hard to see what’s going on at any given time. Legacy have teamed up to try and eliminate Trips. Trips easily fights them off because they don’t fucking belong in this match anyway. Kofi Kingston gets chopped down by Show. Miz and Hardy try to eliminate Cena. Big Show decides to save him for some reason that makes no sense. Show chokes out Rhodes and owns Dibiase as well. He’s delivered like fifty chops like he’s some sort of massively bloated Ric Flair. Like the real Ric Flair. Big Show decks everyone and takes a cast shot from Hardy. Hardy rolls to the floor when it does nothing and is dragged back in by his hair then thrown back out the proper way. MVP tries to leap at Big Show and lands over the ropes on the apron only to be elbows off.

Miz and Regal are fought off and Miz takes a choke slam. Everyone else tackles Big Show and dumps him like a bad habit. A habit of being slow and bald?

Random Commercial Thought: Sometimes I have use for Sludge force fields.

Back to the show. The remaining people are Trips, Cena, Legacy, Kofi, and Regal. How Regal is still in is anyone’s guess. He must have already joined the Kiss Trump’s Ass club. Rhodes is almost eliminated by Cena but Dibiase saves. Trips levels Kofi with a rising knee and Legacy attacks him. Regal is trying to push Cena out which would probably be easier if he wasn’t pulling him back in. Kofi delivers a suplex to Kingston. Cena saves Trips for some reason. Why are people doing this? Trips and Kingston team up on Dibiase but Regal pulls Trips out and Rhodes makes the save. At least that one makes some sense. Regal eats a spine buster.

Cena fights off Rhodes and Dibiase by himself and Cena stares down with Triple H as the only two men currently standing. They start to brawl and Trips gains the advantage, trying to toss Cena over when Rhodes and Dibiase try to get behind to toss them both. They are fought off and Cena tries to FU Trips to the floor. They clothesline each other and Legacy decides not to take advantage of them while weak. They double team Kingston only to get  kicked out. Kingston mounts Dibaise in the corner and flips off to attack Rhodes some more. Dibiase finally gets him on the top rope and they double clothesline him to the floor.

Regal fights off Legacy himself now, trying an exploder suplex on Rhode sonly to be caught by Dibiase and chucked. We’re down to the only four people you knew it would be since this thing started. Legacy splits up and Cena looks like a chump actually getting his ass kicked by Rhodes. Fucking Cody Rhodes. They then double team Trips in the corner. They go back to double team Cena too. Cena fights back on them and tosses Dibiase. Cena looks to eliminate Rhodes and he skins the cart. Cena taunts Trips to come at him but dodges a clothesline that eliminates Rhodes. Cena takes the pedigree and Legacy just crawl back in to beat Trips’ ass. The refs try to pull them out. We then see The Miz pulling an Edge. He was choke slammed a long time ago by Show and disappeared under the ring. Miz sneaks up behind them and tries to clothesline them both but Trips and Cena pull the rope down to send him out. Cena is then casually dumped by Trips.
Winner: Triple H

NO! You don’t say?! I’m so surprised. Donald Trump interrupts and congratulates Trips. This is so pre-recorded it’s insulting. He says the match is actually going to be next week instead of at the PPV. Uh…surprise! Oh and it’s a Last Man Standing Match. That’s your show. Three hours of confusion.

Highlight of the Night: It was definitely the Triple Threat match for CM Punk’s strap. The real question is why the two faces in the match were the only ones who did anything hell-like.

Lowlight of the Night: The tag team match was terrible. Just absolutely horrid. Worst showing I’ve ever seen by those guys.

WWE “Creative” Award: Donald Trump? Seriously? I have to see a COMMERCIALLESS Donald Trump show next week? Fuuuuck.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 

WWE RAW RANT: (06/22/09) By Cameron Burge
 
Tonight, Raw is 100% more Trumpified with Donald Trump taking over this era. An era that hopefully only lasts until the end of the night when Donald suffocates to death beneath his now self-aware hair piece, reaching down over his face to put an end to the evil it has let go unabated for far too long. Tonight’s show is commercial free, and thus commercial thought free as well. That’s too bad. I’m gonna miss getting to say whatever random shit whenever I want.

Raw 06.22.09

Tonight, Vince McMahon and Orton are shown in replays to let you all know about the new status quo for the show. It’s all pretty dragging and just as boring coming out of Trump’s mouth as it was before.

Show then opens proper with theme and pyro and a bunch of fans thinking to themselves “When will I piss with no commercials?” We get a pimping for the Last Man Standing match which will likely take up the bulk of the broadcast. I love how Trump’s titantron video shows his hair in like three different colors. He takes his dear sweet time in getting out to the entrance ramp, showing he has the same unfortunate disease as Orton (syphilis?), walking incredibly fucking slowly. He reminds us there will be no commercials to save our sanity. None. BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT OF TRUMP’S HAIR PIECE. He then offers something that WWE fans have been begging to get for years now. A full refund to whatever you paid to get in tonight. I see one ugly bitch wondering if she will get the blow job back that she gave Vince to get a front row ticket.

John Cena is out next. He does a pointless recap of what we LITERALLY heard just seconds ago. He then decides to call the Miz out on being a royal douche bag. They decide to meet up in the ring while I wonder why the fuck Cena is wearing a John Deer logo with the stupid Attitude Adjustment phrase on it. Miz calls him a coward face to face. Cena announces they have a match at the Bash which is already looming at this weekend. Didn’t we have a ppv two weeks ago? Jesus Vince slow down. John Cena accuses him of bringing a knife to a gun fight and much to my disappointment doesn’t then flex his arms to show off said “guns”. That would have been so cheesy it would have been awesome. Miz delivers a punch which barely rocks Cena then runs away like a small girl. This is kinda like that time I had to read that fan fiction that crossed over Dragonball Z and Anne Frank…I’m not lying it exists.

Vince is seen with a driver and a broken limo stuck in the middle of nowhere saying that Trump got the good limo. He tells the driver when suggesting that they walk to the gas stration. Vince gives us the shocking revelation that he’s never been to a gas station in his life. This begs the question of what his limo runs on. Probably the soul of Stevie Richards. He then tries to ride the driver to the show which only lasts a few feet. He is certainly not a Yoshi. We then get a spot the product placement as JR puts out a positively MASSIVE bucket of KFC on the desk.

Jeff Hardy comes to the ring and spits up a little on stage. He doesn’t seem too well, kinda wandering around.  He’s teaming up with The Great Khali and Rey. This is….odd. Can someone explain to me why we’ve decided to put Smackdown on here? Also did I mention tonight’s show was brought to you by KFC? It totally is. Ziggler, Edge and Jericho join forces as the new Legion of Doom while CM Punk arrives to watch over things and just kind of gloat with his belt like a dick.

Jeff Hardy & Rey Mysterio & The Great Khali vs. Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho & Dolph Ziggler & Edge

One of these things is not like the other. Dolph Ziggler gets destroyed by Khali in the corner until he runs away to tag in Jericho. Jericho seems non plussed and is thrown to the floor. Edge is soon tossed as well before Dolph joins them. Hardy suicide dives and Rey stands on the shoulders of a giant to be launched by Khali onto them as well. Then Khali climbs up top and I’m about to shit myself from awesome but Jericho stops his climb.

Rey is the legal man in now after Jericho is fought off and he sets Jericho up for a 619. Edge trips him up for a two count by Jericho. We see the Grilled chicken buckets have duplicated themselves in number on the announce table. Nothing looks as retarded as the World Champion trying to look serious behind a couple of buckets of chicken. Edge is in now, but he eats a hard shot to the head. Hardy and Ziggler are in. Jeff looks very sloppy here tonight. I think he’s back on the drugs folks. Status Quo. Ziggler gets wrecked but Edge delivers a spear. Khali tries for a Double Chokeslam on Edge but its broken by Jericho. Jericho’s code breaker fails but it allow a spear on Khali. Rey sets Jericho and Edge up for the 619 but Jericho slips out of it. Rey kicks Jericho off and moonsault son the outside so Hardy delivers a Twist of Fate to Ziggler back in the ring. Keeping tracks? Swanton wins it.
Winners: Face Brigade

Punk comes into the ring to raise Hardy’s hand. Punk then stares him down with the belt as he leaves. Vince is seen pounding on Donald’s door. How the fuck did he get there? Wha-but…..middle of nowhere….lost…HOW?! Santina approaches him to suggest Vince and Donald combine to form McDonald’s. Is that like Voltron? Did that count as more product placement? Donald shows Vince to his new office and asks who Santina is. Donald fires her. Santino then steps in from off screen in the other direction, disappointed she got fired…AH! Oh movie magic you old dog……Speaking of Movie magic, I heard that Triple H from now on will be filmed wrestling Black wrestlers in front of a green screen so they can be filmed reacting to his beating of their asses in a separate location, keeping Trips in total safety. More chicken and Transformers shameless plugging before Primo and Carlito come out to basically call Legacy gay. Speaking of Legacy they come out
 with their new theme that isn’t Priceless.

Primo w/ Carlito vs. Rhodes w/ Dibiase

Primo works over the arm but Rhodes comes back, getting a bulldog in for a two count. Cody gets ran over by a shoulder block. Primo skins the cat but Rhodes shoulderblocks him to the floor. The ref gives everyone an impromptu bitching, I guess he’s like my mother. Rhodes drags Primo back in for a two count. Primo tries to leap over Rhodes in the corner but is caught. He counters with a head scissors and a side dropkick. Rolling elbow out of a silly cartwheel picks up a two count. Primo covers with a jackknife for two and Rhodes comes back with a Russian Leg Sweep. Primo decides to come back with a cross body but Cody rolls through and grabs the tights for three.
Winner: Rhodes

I refuse to believe this next segment ever happened. It involves Vince being given Goldust’s wig and Vince’s office being a shitter. We then get a video package of Orton close ups that seem to be showing off his O face. We then recap his rivalry with Trips. We aren’t quite in the second hour yet as we set up for the Last Man Standing Match. It will be after the second hour though by the time we get these fucking entrances finally through with.

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Triple H (WWE Championship Last Man Standing Match)

Match starts after some obligatory introductions with the two of them pounding into each other. Trips beats Orton right over the ropes and into the floor, slamming him into the desk. At this point, a smart man would beat him with the nearest heavy metal object, but he brings him back into the ring for a spine buster. Orton slips out of the pedigree and sends Trips to the floor where he hurts his knee. Trips reveals himself to be playing possum and clotheslines Orton. He slams Orton chest first onto the ring barricade. Oh my god not soft padding! The pain. Oh the pain. Orton has to rise to the count in the crowd now but he makes it up easily with Trips tackling him from behind like a wild animal, pounding on his head. Orton’s face meets more ring barricade. I wonder where he is hiding his sledge hammer? Probably his ass. He’s not walking funny because of the knee. Orton attacks said knee, sending Trips back into the floor. Trips answers the count in
 his own due time, trying to rest his leg up.

Orton kicks the steps into the knee, forcing trips to answer the call again while Orton fails at dismantling the stairs. He runs Trips over with the steel steps to the head. Orton drags Trips back into the ring and just brutalizes the knee for a while, kicking and stomping instead of just using weapons like a non-retard. USE A WEAPON. Trips rolls out of the way of a knee drop to his leg but Orton trips him up and racks the knee into the ring post. Trips kicks a chair into Orton’s face when he tries to use it, leaving them both stumbling. Orton manages to recover and level Trips with the chair to the face, bringing about another count.  Orton gets pissed and beats Trips onto the table now. Trips delivers a low blow to even the playing field since Trips’ own testicals are far too steroid shriveled to be vulnerable to this. Orton counters the pedigree though into an RKO.  Trips is left on the table not standing but he eventually claws his up at 9.

Orton gets back body dropped onto the table when he tries to charge back in. Trips retrieves a monitor and clocks Orton in the face with it. I’d hate to have to keep buying new ones of those all the time. What the hell do they even show on those? Why would the announcers need to see the broadcast? Is it porn? Tell me it’s porn. They begint o fight up the ring ramp. Trips delivers a spine buster on the ramp for trying to rush in yet again. You think he would learn to stop doing that but apparently, learning from your mistakes is not covered in Wrestling 101. Orton scrambles up by 9 but he manages to block a pedigree with a back body drop. Making it back up, they fight on their knees, kind of like those hookers I hired last night. Heyoooo! Orton is sent over the ring barricade into electrical equipment as both men try to struggle back up. Orton ducks a ladder charge from Trips who manages to take out two gaffers in one shot. Orton literally starts
 kicking Trips in the ass which is hilarious.

Orton retrieves the ladder himself and starts to take out Triple H’s leg with the ladder before adding a head shot. Boom. Orton sandwiches the leg in the ladder and starts stomping on it. Orton makes the ref stop the count because he apparently doesn’t care about things like winning. Instead he wants to punish Trips. Orton does the most awkward climb ever as if he could RKO off the ladder but Trips just pushes him off because it was ridiculous and stupid. Trips finishes him off with a pedigree, hurting his own leg. Trips tries to drag himself back up by the ladder but it falls over and we geta  double count. HAHA Russo.
Winner: NOBODY YOU GOT FUCKED.

And now, to the back for more Miz/Maryse. Besides continuing the M&M theme, I don’t see a point to this bullshit. She demands he do something impressive. I recommend he try growing a personality. That would impress me. And now more Donald Trump. He arrives with two divas, one of whom ahs a skirt so short that if she moved too fast she’d be going full beaver out there. He asks us if we are having a good time. I guess I can’t complain too much….OH WAIT YES I CAN. Why didn’t I get a real ending to that last match you cheap fucking con? He reminds us that everyone is getting their money back and we have no commercials, just giant KFC buckets obscuring the announcer’s faces. He says he won’t be appointing a GM and instead he will be appointing a celebrity host every week. Oh God. The first better be Chuck Norris, then Steven Seagal, and then Bruce Campbell. In that order. Vince finally decides to rebuttal this. Vince argues that Trump will run
 him into the poor house. Trump argues that he can kindly go suck a dick.

Vince says he was stupid and got played so that Trump can drive him to bankruptcy. Vince begins to offer money to the effect of more than he paid to get Raw back. Is this Deal or No Deal? Where’s old Howard Mendel? He tries to double the money Trump paid.  Trump makes a deal to sell it back for this. Wow this didn’t last long. Vince says if they ever cross paths again, he’ll kick his ass. Vince then fires him. Donald’s toupee stares Vince down and he socks him one hard. The two have to be kept apart by suits.

And now more chicken. If that stuff is so fucking delicious, why has no one eaten any of it yet.  Elsewhere, Vince is pissed and confronts Legacy to say if Orton thinks he is in pain now, he can’t wait for the bash. Orton says Vince needs to have a little decency and let him be. The guy who molests and attacks women. It’s going to be one of those three matches in one with a regular match, then a falls count anywhere match and then a stretcher match if it needs to decide things. He calls it the three stages of hell despite not involving Satan’s Playground.

And now divas!…where are you going?

Mickie James & The Bella Twins vs. Rosa Mendez & Beth Phoenix & Diva’s Champion Maryse

Mickie starts us off with Rosa Mendez who demands a fight. She happily eats a forearm shot and runs to lick her wounds, tagging in a menstrual pissed Beth. Beth scoops Mickie up and tosses her lightly to the apron. She ducks a leaping clothesline and shoudlerblocks James to the floor. Bella um…whichever it is comes in and gets knocked immediately down. Rosa leaps on top to pound away viciously but she misses a clothesline and takes a head scissor from Bella. Bella 2 tags in for some double teaming. Maryse distracts the ref allowing Beth to attack Bella 2. The heel continue to distract the ref and keep beating Bella 2 down. Maryse is finally in and continues to work over Bella 2 with a backbreaker for two. This is punctuated by some of the worst puns in King’s career. This is probably  a bad time to mention I would totally do all of these women. Live with that image for a bit.

Maryse tags back out to Rosa who happily comes in to fuck up soon. She works a headlock which predictably gets countered. Rosa takes a forearm and face buster before Mickie comes in. Mickie destroys Rosa and Mickie decks Beth on the apron before scaring Maryse away. Neckbreaker looks to finish Rosa but Beth breaks it up. Double Bella dropkick takes out Beth and Mickie chases off Maryse again. A clothesline from behind from Rosa is punctuated by Mickie delivering a sharp super kick for three.
Winners: Bellas & Mickie

Because we love this commercial free, let’s talk about National Treasure now which will be ran commercial free. Yay, no you can watch it in worse quality than on your DVDs but without commercials at least. Time to round off tonight’s show with yet another encounter between the Big Show and John Cena which has just turned the Big Show into Cena’s personal Shockmaster, a completely unthreatening villain with very grand ideas.

John Cena vs. The Big Show

Cena gains the early advantage in sending Show to the floor but when he follows out he’s thrown to the floor. Big Show is caught off guard trying to get back in but he soon levels Cena with a huge spear. He stands on Cena’s throat for a big and drops some elbows for a two count. Show stalks Cena around, delivering shushed chops, but Cena ducks out and rallies back. Cena fails and gets scooped for a powerbomb, but he counters it into a senton which made it look more like Big Show was trying to duck him off.

Big Show continues to assault Cena and delivers a back suplex that picks up a two count. Cena is put back in the corner and crused with heavy chops. Show delivers a big butt slam….I hope I never have to type those words ever again. Cena tries his usual offense rallying but is just crushed by a back elbow. Show is caught in a corner charge by some kicks before being taken down. Cena delivers his flying guillotine leg drop before the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena celebrates and turns around into a choke slam but he kicks out because he’s the god damn John Cena. Big Show walks on his chest and delivers a splash out of the corner. Big Show decides he need sto punish Cena more with a submission. The set up here looks more like it’s setting up for rape instead of the camel clutch. Cena slips out between his legs and bows Big Show back into the STF. The Miz is out and Cena punches him off the apron. He scoops Show up for the FU but Miz pushes them over
 hidden behind Show’s massive girth from the ref’s view. Show falls on Cena to pick up the three.
Winner: Show

King calls hiding behind a fat man impressive. Amazingly the show isn’t over as we see Orton just walking through the back toward an overly obvious open car trunk. He’s attacks but Trips who shuts the trunk on Orton’s back and has a heart to heart with him, nuzzling his face in a creepy manner.

Highlight of the Night: No commercials was pretty awesome.

Lowlight fo the Night: Chicken steals the spotlight entirely.

WWE “Creative” Award: What was the point of selling to Trump and then buying back? I don’t understand how this served any purpose.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 

WWE RAW RANT: (06/29/09) By Cameron Burge
 
I think it should be known that NCIS blows major ass. Who watches that show? In case you missed last night’s PPV (who can blame you? It’s like we throw the damn things out every two minutes these days). This week, we have a special guest host (I’m still hoping for Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal), and new Tag Team Champions in Edge and Jericho. If you’re thinking to yourself that the decisions for them to be champions makes no sense, then you’re obviously not GENIUS enough to be in Creative….or you aren’t retarded.

Raw 06.29.09

Show opens with Vinnie Mac’s ugly mug greeting us on the ring ramp to talk some random trash on Trump saying you will have to pay to watch this crap tonight AND sit through the ads. He cockatrices saying he could give money back but he’ll not be doing it. Apparently there was a 15 superstar switch up between the three brands secretly made by Trump. He also makes mention that he’ll keep on the idea of a guest host and make Batista the host. Chuck Norris he is not. Dave’s got his arm in a brace over his nice little suit coat. Dave makes himself some matches while Orton decides to come piss on his parade saying that he shouldn’t have come back because Legacy is now going to come kick his ass with nothing to stop them. Dave points out that if they even look at him funny he’ll fire them. Out of a cannon. Into Hornswoggle’s nuts. Dave says Vince promised him unlimited power. And with unlimited power comes a complete lack of responsibility I
guess. Batista says Orton will have to face three of Raw’s five new superstars in a 3 on 1 Gauntlet.

Dave Hilariously can only give a sideways thumb in his brace. The Night of Champions tournament starts tonight with the winner facing Orton at the PPV. Keeping pimping that PPV spam guys. How do you have a tournament with only four guys and why is one of them The Miz? That’s like trying to decide the world’s greatest superhero and one of the contestants is the fucking Elongated Man.

Random Commercial Thought: It takes two to tango with an idiot.

Back to the show for MVP against Triple H in the “tournament”. MVP is coming to lose. The story here is Trips has a bum leg so as to make it “Fair” for the lowly MVP I guess.

Triple H vs. MVP

Trips gets a shoulder block in but seems to trip on his leg but keeps kicking MVP’s ass. MVP decides to say fuck it and goes after the leg, working it over the ropes and kicking it out from under trips to deliver some elbows to the inside knee. Trips looks to go for a spine buster but is tripped up into a Figure Four from MVP. King calls this “Adding injury to that uh…infamous injury.” Trips fights free but is tripped up once more before he finally catches MVP with a knee and goes for the pedigree. MVP escapes by kicking the leg and delivers Ballin’ for two. I’ve never noticed how saying he delivers ballin’ sounds so gay. MVP misses his running boot in the corner but he stops himself. Once again a pedigree attempt but he’s planted by MVP and then eats the boot in the corner for another two. Playmaker takes for fucking over but Trips spins out into the pedigree and wins with his only move of the match. Oh wow I am so surprised. I can
barely contain my excitement. I am so happy that Triple H was here to stop the possible push of a big scary black man. I was almost forced to be tolerant!
Winner: Triple H

Random Commercial Thought: Finally we got Ali back in a boxing game and we can pit him against Tyson and see if his ears taste as good as Hollyfield’s.

We come back to a replay of how Edge and Jericho undeservingly became tag team champions. Jericho comes out for the rematch with the Colons now. I gotta rant for a second on this. What the fuck is the point of having a tag team division if we constantly reinforce the idea that the tag teams we have are weak in comparison to any singles star? They always ANNIHILATE the tag teams when two random douche bags team up and win the belts. It’s fucking retarded and makes the belts look as valuable as a set of NASCAR plates. Jericho talks about how he’s being forced to appear on Raw not by choice but because he’s so fucking good. Edge points out that Jericho should thank him for being a champion again. Primo and Carlito interrupt Edge after he calls everyone in the audience losers. Pretty spot on…oh wait. HEY!

Primo Colon & Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Unified Tag Team Champions Edge & Chris Jericho (Tag Team Title Match)

Primo starts off with Jericho and Jericho works a goofy looking head lock. Jericho shoulder blocks and taunts before being leapt over by Primo and eating a dropkick into head scissors. Nice kick sweep from Primo and Primo blocks a cheap shot from Edge by kicking his as son the apron. Jericho is sent to the floor as well and the Colons deliver a double baseball slide as we slide off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: In the world of Monster Hunter you are never alone…you are surrounded by horrible giant beasts descended from hell itself!….somehow this isn’t comforting at all.

Back to the show where Jericho is working a headlock on Primo to the mat. During the break, the colons predictably got wrecked as all faces do when we aren’t looking. Jericho slams Primo with a weak ass suplex for two. Edge tags in and continues the beat down with several kicks. Jericho comes back and continues the double team until he completely misses a corner leap. Primo makes the tag and Carlito is in with a springboard dropkick on Jericho. Carlito continues to take down Jericho, picking up two off of a neck breaker. Jericho delivers a short elbow and missed the lionsault, landing on his feet but taking a moonsault from Carlito for two. Carlito grabs for the Apple Jack but Jericho turns and put him in the walls. Carlito refuses to be flipped so he’s launched to the corner where he clotheslines Edge and leaps back out for another two on Jericho.

Edge makes the tag and tries a spear on Carlito but it bomb. Primo distracts and Carlito gets the Apple Jack. Jericho breaks up the pin and Primo takes him down with a flying clothesline. Edge and Carlito are up and a rising knee sets up the springboard elbow drop. Primo is pushed into the ropes from outside by Jericho and it makes Carlito fall on his ass, allowing a spear from Edge for three.
Winners: Edge & Jericho

Carlito seems to be pissed with Primo. If this bullshit title change leads to an unnecessary tag team break up of the colons I’ll be even more pissed about this crap.

Random Commercial Thought: During the break I watched someone actually manage to loose to Glass Fucking Joe.

Back to the show where Batista confronts Legacy in the back to tell them that if Ted or Cody show up in Orton’s match they will be fired on the spot. This is decidedly different from what I’ve been hoping for in them being set ON fire, but oh well. And now a video package for Cena and the Miz which is probably the most retarded feud to ever get a promo package. This is apparently SO FUCKING EPIC we need a commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Keep your Edge with Just For Men. I wonder if Nair gets rid of him?

Back to the show. John Cena looks ridiculous in the fake John Deer stuff. For some reason King and Cole call both men hot and I’m seriously doubting their professed heterosexuality.

The Miz vs. John Cena

Miz attacks first off and beats Cena down against the ropes only to get his ass ran over with a reverse elbow and a suplex. More elbow drops and Miz kicks out at one. They uninterestingly brawl for a little while until Miz gains the upper hand and keeps kicking Cena around. A running near lift and neck breaker combo picks up a two count. King celebrates the GRAPHIC FOOTAGE of the neck surgery for Cena since Miz is going to the neck. Yay for nasty footage no one ever wanted to see like that show about baby births. Miz counters a rallying attempt and wracks Cena’s neck on the ropes before another neck breaker gets two. Miz beats him into the corner and has to be dragged off by the ref to stop kicking his ass.

Random Commercial Thought: The guy who brought you Borat….brings you the same stupid fucking concept again.

Back to the show. Miz is still wrecking Cena as if we should even begin to believe this makes sense. He hits his running kick in the corner on Cena but when he goes up top Cena scoops him up for an FU. Miz slips out and drops him with an electric chair for two consecutive two counts. Miz gives some leg drops to the back of the head and levels Cena with a running kick for two. Miz mistakenly trash talks and gets a drop toe hold but blocks the STF with a kick. Miz leaps onto Cena like a little monkey and puts on a sleeper. I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. You can’t just tell us Miz has power to beat Cena after all his humiliations now like he got one of the mother fucking Infinity Gems.

Cena breaks free, backing Miz into the corner and goes to his usual offense. Cena sets up the Five Knuckle Shuffle and follows it with the flashback. Cena is up top now for the guillotine leg drop and it connects, allowing for the STF and the win.
Winner: Cena

Cena smirks as if to say “Okay okay I let the kid look good, can I stop feuding with him now?” Cena will face Trips in the finals now…OH MY GOD I AM SURPRISED.

Random Commercial Thought: John Dillinger was never quite that badass, but it’s going to be a good movie anyway.

In the back, Legacy is having a faggoty little touchy-feely session. Ted says his dad will be guest host next week so maybe they can get some revenge. Orton is mad because it won’t save him tonight. I like Ted Sr. so this ought to be cool. Mickie James and Kelly Kelly are going to be in a Fatal Fourway (not as kinky as it sounds) for the #1 Contendership after these message from our sponsors.

Random Commercial Thought: Transformers 2 is ass.

Back to the show where Rosa and Beth didn’t deserve an entrance I guess.

Beth Phoenix vs. Rosa Mendez vs. Mickie James vs. Kelly Kelly (Fatal Fourway Match)

The heel divas get destroyed overly easily and sent to the floor. Kelly and Mickie tie up but Rosa tries to make a run in. She takes a double dropkick before Beth is in from behind with a tackle on Mickie and kicking Kelly around for two. Uh…massive clusterfuck now with all four divas putting each other in holds. It’s obviously designed just to bend them in weird ways and make it look hot before Beth breaks free and rams the rest into the corner. Mickie and Beth square off with Beth back handing Mickie away only to be rolled up by Kelly for two. Mickie tackles Kelly into a rollup for two and Rosa uses a backslide on Mickie for two. Beth breaks it up and Mickie fights them both off. Beth suplexes Rosa and covers for a two count that Kelly breaks up. This is confusing and stupid.

Beth gets double teamed with overly yelling women punches from the faces and Kelly covers for two while Mickie casually watches without breaking it up. Mickie drags Rosa around by the hair who seems to be refusing to get up so she has nothing to do. Big power slam by Beth that was really awesome on Kelly but Mickie breaks things up. Mickie delivers a head scissors that sends Beth to the apron. A baseball slide knocks her off to hit her head on the steps. Rosa and Mickie now with Rosa eating a DDT for three.
Winner: Mickie

It’s worth noting that Rosa didn’t know how to take a DDT and just sort of rolled over in it awkwardly. Elsewhere, we see Big Show in the back looking like he’s auditioning for a role as Moist in Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog 2 with the amount of water on him.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t really like bacon at all.

Kofi Kingston is here to take on The Big Show. Things aren’t really looking up at this point.

US Champion Kofi Kingston vs. The Big Show (Non-title Match)

Kofi gets his ass handed to him, being tossed around like a little toy. You know, like black people should be! Kofi tries to fight his way up but Big Show squashes him down with a big boot. A scoop slam from Show who even for him seems to be phoning it in today. An elbow drop misses and Kofi gives a big leaping kick to the chin. Kofi assault with rapid blows but tries to whip Big Show which of course fails. Kofi slips out of the corner with his kick to the head and a missile drop kick sets up Boom Boom Boom for two when he is launched across the ring. Kofi leaps onto Show in the corner for some mounted punches but is thrown off to the floor. Show gives chase with some big chops. B Big Show presses Kingston over his head to seemingly toss him back in but Kingston escapes by sending him into the ring post and we end with a lame double count out.
Winner: Nobody ha ha.

Random Commercial Thought: The new USB Loader makes buying Wii games a thin of the past.

Back to the show. Orton is here to introduce us to our new superstars. Opponent number one is Evan Bourne. Well that is pretty cool. I like him. Match one go.

Gauntlet Match #1: Evan Bourne

Bourne looks like a tiny tiny man. Orton kicks him down and locks Bourne up for a clothesline that misses. Bourne delivers a flying reverse elbow and he hangs on when Orton tries to dump him. Bourne rolls through an attack into a two count before keeping the pressure on with some quick attacks and another cover for two out of a back heel kick. Orton grounds him and starts stomping on the midsection. Bourne rallies back and keeps Orton reeling, catching him with a kick in the corner. A flying, top rope double knee to the face and Bourne is up top a second time, but Orton grounds him with an attack to the ropes and an RKO off the top for three.
Winner: Orton

Not wasting time because we didn’t bother to leave much time for this at all, Jack Swagger is our next man up. What did we just steal everyone that was any good from ECW?

Gauntlet Match #2: Jack Swagger

Swagger delivers a swift belly to belly suplex to Orton to crush him then stands on the apron and grins with his arms crossed at Orton like an asshole until the ref counts him out. Whyyyyy?
Winner: Orton

Swagger says he’s always liked and respected Orton and just wanted to leave a lasting impression so they shake hands and he waddles off. Opponent number three is Mark Henry. Oh I guess we got some not so good ECW guys too. Why….why….WHYYYYYYY.

Gauntlet Match #3: Mark Henry

Henry comes to the ring to say he’s always liked and respected Orton as well and he wants to make an impression too, a good one. Henry’s version of impression is apparently to throw Orton across the ring and then leave. Oh bullshit. Henry reveals he was kidding and gets back in the ring. Orton drops to his knees and begs like a small child. Henry proceeds to throw him across the ring again. Charming. Henry stomps Orton into the corner, working him over with a body slam as well. Orton tries an RKO but Henry just catches him with the World’s Strongest Slam for three.
Winner: Henry

After the match, Batista just laughs on the ring entrance while the show goes off the air and we’re left wondering why we couldn’t trade for ANYONE but Mark fucking Henry. God damnit.

Highlight of the Night: Evan Bourne on Raw. Great to see him, awesome showing already.

Lowlight of the Night: MARK FUCKING HENRY.

WWE “Creative” Award: The Miz is viable!….bullshit.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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