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ACERBIC TREATS. 04/17/08. By DOCTOR GONZO

 

Hello all and wish me a welcome back to the great site that is “The Wrestling Fan”. Like any respectable athlete, I have been nothing but an absentee father to the little child that is my column here on this beautiful place called the internet. As any good person can tell you there is no place like home, and before I was a total ass and abandoned this site for no reason in particular other than my complete laziness and being a tool, The Wrestling Fan was my home. I am happy that Sean is willing to let me back in to try this again and proceed forward with littering your synapses with the verbal diarrhea I call my thoughts.

 

            In all seriousness though, I lost my smile when I stopped writing and have never regained the passion I had when it came to watching wrestling. I was bored, burnt out, and was phoning it in. In between working and trying to solve the Chris Benoit “triple murder” (I still think this is an angle, and he will return), I realized that there was a part of the site that I could still be involved in. Way back when Sean had started TWF entertainment, and being the great guy that he is, he always allowed me free reign of my content (due to prior issues we had with this at another site). Keeping all of this in mind, I thought I would see about moving over to that section of the site and proceed with that part of it, and see how it goes, because in al honesty, from what I’ve read, these writers on this site have the whole wrestling portion down pat, and the only thing I could add would sound more like an eighty year old man ranting about how the new “videya games” are corrupting the youth. Then I’d probably crap my pants.

 

            So I haven’t really ironed out the kinks out of the column, but it will deal with movies, videogames, music and TV and I’ll usually have one story that I am elaborating on, and a bunch of other little stories mixed in, but I’ll count more on you fine readers and fellow writers to assist me on what works and what doesn’t, because honestly after all, it’s been quite a while since I’ve written a column and it will take me a while to hit my groove and get my TWF edge back.

 

MERGER NEWS

 

In what is completely reminiscent of the phone company wars of the mid to late 90s and early 2000s (I was watching Terminator 2 the other day and they showed a Pacific Bell phone booth. Remember Pacific Bell? It seems like so long ago they existed to rip off my parents. In fact, remember phone booths? In the era of the cell phone, I think we forget quite easily that phone booths are a rarer and rarer commodity (here in Los Angeles, anyway), game company buyouts and mergers are becoming more and more frequent.

 

First in a “nobody cares but nerds news” it was Vivendi Games and Activision getting drunk together, and waking up with a condom stuck to their backs and birthing from their communion was Activision Blizzard (will Activision Blizzard now be referenced in those stupidly awful ITT Tech commercials?). Not to be out done, in a “wouldn’t you rather bone MY daughter” type of merger, the Adolf Hitlers of videogames, Electronic Arts followed by purchasing Bioware (makers of Mass Effect and more importantly the KotOR series). Finally EA has pitched a $2 BILLION (pinkie to the lip inducing) bit to purchase Take-Two Interactive, makers of the GTA series (via Rockstar games) but more importantly Bioshock  and MLB 2k, NBA 2K, NHL 2K, et al. (2k games). What does this mean? Multiple things my friends, none of which are good for Microsoft. 

 

            First of all, Microsoft is the king of the buyout and is the monopolizer of the PC world. EA is making their bid to become the Microsoft of the console world, by buying out the competition who tends to make better games than they do, and then releasing them as their own. Smart for buisiness? Definitely. Good for the consumer? No. Worse for Microsoft? Yes. When you think about it it’s really a no brainer. In this era, console exclusive games are a rarity as the cost to produce them have skyrocketed to the level of movies (and even past them), and they want to get them out the largest audience possible. That is understandable. But when a console GETS an exclusive game, they do their damndest to wrap that game into their claws so the competition (ie Sony) can’t get their paws on it. In this instance it is Bioshock which Microsoft had and was a huge seller and a huge surprise critically to many who thought he game looked great but didn’t expect much otherwise (when I played the demo I was blown away, but initially had reservations about it). I am sure they were banking on Bioshock 2 being exclusive to their system, but lo and behold with the purchase by EA, you can near guarantee that the game is going to go multi-platform. That equals one less “must have game” that the 360 has over Sony, and coupled with Sony’s increased sales and the death of HD, the 360 has seen better days.

 

            This purchase, if it goes through (and the continued struggle of Take Two to keep its head above water, according to some sources) screws the consumer as well. How? Simply put, for anyone who likes sports games, compared to 2K, EA games stink. NBA Live has been terrible for years while NBA 2K8 continues to improve. MVP NCAA Baseball (or whatever the hell it’s called) stinks compared to MLB 2K (which is awful compared to The Show series by Sony). 2K has held the advantage on the NHL side (with the possible exception of this year). Before EA selfishly locked up the NFL, 2K was nearly making the Madden-killer of their own. As much as corporations like to continue this trend of “choice” where they own both products in the competition, I highly doubt that they will continue ANY of the 2K series games above their own. It reminds me of the Invasion angle that the WWE ran many years ago with WCW and ECW and rather than put over any of the invaders as winners, they rather squash them all, and added their own WWE wrestlers as “invaders”. For EA to continue these games would be an admission that the competition has been making a better game for years and I don’t think a studio head, or president would be consumer friendly enough to do that.

 

And seriously, if we can’t rally around a poor mom and pop organization like Microsoft, who can we rally around?

 

 

SLIGHTLY LESS PRE-DETERMINED SPORTS REPORT

 

In NBA action, the playoffs are upon us and the match-ups are finally set, although it took the last day of the damn season to get it. Much like the old “King of the Ring” or to a lesser extent, the “Brawl for All” the NBA playoffs allow all the action of a gang fight, with none of the action of said fight, especially considering whenever these players throw down, then end op looking like 2 puppets being controlled by epileptic retards. Arms flailing, lots of running away, and all in all, a bunch of pussies. But the playoffs tend to bring out the best in players, and turn them into superstars (i.e. Dwayne Wade, Iverson, Kobe, Yinka Dare), so let’s take a look at this weekends match-ups. </p>

 

#1 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #8 Denver Nuggets

Once again it’s Kobe vs. Denver, and hopefully it’s not Kobe vs. the Lakers. As a Lakers fan my entire life, I’m slightly biased here, so I predict the Lakers take the series 4-1, unless the Nuggets wheel out a cadre of mediocre looking white girls with Petri dishes in their underwear. Rumor has it that Vanessa Bryant is already consulting famous plastic surgeons on grafting another hand to her hand, in anticipation for the plethora of pink diamonds Kobe will litter on her right before his press conferences. Seriously though, Kobe deserves his first MVP award, not because he’s the best player THIS year, but simply because he’s the best player EVERY year. It just seems that what he does isn’t that big of a deal, because he’s Kobe doing these things. He makes everything look easy. Whether it’s scoring 81 points, or settling an alleged rape case out of court, he does things much easier than the rest of us. Another Nuggets option: let Carmelo loose on the court with his car like it was 2am. Idiot.

 

#2 New Orleans Hornets vs. #7 Dallas Mavericks

The surprise of the season, the Hornets, are storming their way through the season and reaching the playoffs for the first time in years. Former Laker Byron Scott has molded a wonderful starting 5 led by the incredibly awesome Chris Paul, and anchored by the solid David West. My biggest surprise? How can the Hornets play so well with so much scuba gear on their backs? And yes, I am still doing New Orleans humor. The Mavericks are a scary team, but mediocre at the same time. Whenever the game is on the line, Dirk manages to pull some miracle out of his ass while goose stepping down the court. I’m just happy that The Lakers avoided playing the Mavericks in the first round because A) they would have probably beat them in revenge for the 1st round exit from last year; B) while it would have lead to some INCREDIBLE games, that isn’t enough for me to risk a 1st round Laker boot. New Orleans wins 4-3.

 

#6 PHOENIX SUNS vs. #3 SAN ANTONIO SPURS

I hate both of these teams. In a rematch from the Western Conf Finals from last year in which Robert Whorey completely screwed the Suns with a smart move, which led to Amare Stoudamire being benched. This year the Suns added Shaq for just this moment, while the Spurs added a sponsorship from the Shady Acres Retirement Home, so they can send half their team there after the Suns take them out. I think this is the Suns year to take down the Spurs, in an epic encounter of who gives a crap really, but the series should be physical and entertaining. Suns over the champs 4-3

 

#4 Utah Jazz vs. #5 Houston Rockets

Two words: BO-RING. The Jazz haven’t been exciting since Karl Malone was on the team running his crazy squirrel eating mouth. The Rockets haven’t been exciting since Charles Barkley body slammed Shaq. Or since we sent one to the moon. Anyway, this series is going to suck. Even if it’s the best series ever it’s still going to suck. I don’t know how that’s possible but I arbitrarily say Utah Jazz 4-2.

 

#1 BOSTON CELTICS vs. #8 ATLANTA HAWKS

The more I say about the East, the less interesting I’m going to be. Boston takes this 4-0.

 

#2 DETROIT PISTONS vs. #7 PHILIDELPHIA 76ers

You remember when you would play sports and sometimes that special ed kid would wander onto the court looking to shoot around with you, and sometimes wanting to play one on one? You rarely ever went “There’s Something About Mary” on him or her, and completely destroyed them. You let them make shots and drive past you and make easy lay-ups because what’s the point? If you beat them, you’re an asshole for destroying a retard on the court, and if you lose, you lost to a retard. Kind of like playing a girl one on one. The Pistons are like you. The 76ers are the retards. When Detroit wants to play, they will. Detroit wins 4-1

 

#3 ORLANDO MAGIC vs. #6 TORONTO RAPTORS

This should be an interesting series, simply because both teams can be really good and really terrible. The possible match-up of Chris Bosh and Dwight Howard is very intriguing. Granted, this game will be harder to find than your weenis after you gain 100lbs, it should be pretty interesting and the harder of the series to call. I say Magic 4-2.

 

#4 CLEVELAND CAVALIERS vs. #5 WASHINGTON WIZARDS

I hate LeBron. Yeah he’s great, and a solid team player, but I’m burned out by him. I think my peak of liking him was with those Nike commercials when he played 4 different characters, but after that, who cares. Guy is great, his team sucks. Washington is a decent team, but like every other team in the East except the Celtics and the Pistons, they are worse then the 9th ranked team in the west. This series gets a giant WHO GIVES A CRAP from me. Wizards 4-2

 

So while I am a notoriously bad estimator of series outcomes, I have a good feeling about this batch this year. I recommend you mortgage your house and place all your money on the picks I made. Can’t go wrong there!

 

So I think I wrote much too much for the first column, but whatever. Enjoy the week/weekend and I’ll be back faster than a boner on a teenage guy.

Doctor Gonzo is The Wrestling Fan's resident alcoholic drug-dependent IWC superstar. As the inventor of both the Psychic Playstation 2 and the "Alcohol intake" rating system, his various works have been read here at The Wrestling Fan, along with 411 Mania.com and Inside Pulse respectively. He was also declared clinically dead two years ago.

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