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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(June 2009 Archives).

 

(06/02/09)

 

Ah, you have to love weeks like this.  Oh so much to talk about, really.  I’ll keep it quick and painlessful.  Promise.

 

Of course, what am I talking about?  Why, how much dick the Memorial Day Raw sucked, of course!  The ratings provided the tale.  Answer…a lot.  A lot of dicks were sucked on Memorial Day.  Rating takes a noticeable dive from the week before (from 3.6 to 3.2, which is a decent chunk), and the quarter hour ratings tell the tale that everybody tuned in for the opening segment, then immediately ran for the hills.  You mean…Vince calling a bad actor impersonation of Stan Kroenke ENIS, along with a stuttering Goldust and Hornswoggle trying to interact with an actor giving the sorriest attempt at a Jack Nicholson doesn’t = SUPERIOR ENTERTAINMENT?!  I’m shocked.  SHOCKED, I SAY!!!!!!!!!

 

So, why do I again bring up that debacle a week after?  Well, seems like Uncle Vinnie didn’t take kindly to that outcome, because he wasn’t a happy camper later on in the week.  Couple that with the various main event shenanigans of one blonde goateed Mr. Kennedy spelled doom for the fuck-up.  Yes, believe it or not (and if I’m the first person telling you this…how’s that rock you’re living under?  Comfy?), Mr. Kennedy finally got the axe around last Friday.  Basically what’s been widely accepted is that Kennedy got injured last Monday.  Yes, AGAIN.  And on his first day back, no less!  Thankfully, to prove he’s in fact NOT made of fine china, particleboard, and sugar glass, Kennedy posted a video of him demonstrating that his wrists are perfectly fine.  You know, after he got shit-canned.  So, at least it’s not that.  The other reason people passed around is that Kennedy fucked up a back suplex spot with Orton in the main event.  It’s pretty evident if you go back and watch it, as instead of selling it like a normal person should, Orton flails about like a six year old girl who didn’t get a pony for her birthday. Watch it.  It’s fucking hilarious.  So, basically Kennedy fucked up at the wrong time, as Vince was already pissed about the show’s ratings.  McMahon had an epiphany of RAGE, concluded that the guy was a walking liability, every one basically agreed with him, and Kennedy was sent packing.  Oh well.  It’s not surprising he got canned, but given he just made a return, it was still rather surprising with the timing.  I’m not too worried about him, as he still has an impressive resume going for himself.  TNA, indies, bit parts in movies, he’ll be fine.  If not, he can start his own business or something.  Perhaps selling windows?  Hmmm…

 

 

Now he can call himself Mr. Glass!  BADUMCHA.  And yes, that was a long setup for an incredibly shitty joke.  Oh well, I wanted to prove I can do Photoshop too.  Just with MS Paint.  I think it’s funny, at least.  That’s what matters here, right?  MY ENJOYMENT.  DAMN STRAIGHT.  Let’s get to it.

 

(Note:  From the start of the show until the first commercial break is brought to you via the magic of youtube.   Blame the girlfriend.  Females, feel free to go and beat her up.  Naked.  Maybe in some honey or oil of some sort.  With some saxophone music playing softly in the background.  I’ll bring the camcorder.)

 

Still standing here in Memphis!  I wonder how upset Jeff Jarrett is getting right now.  Anyway, we get right into it with…

 

Evan Bourne Vs. Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas

 

So, uhhhh, there’s some sort of feud starting with Bourne and Team Blackness?  COMPELLING STUFF.

 

So, you’d think that this would be a repeat of last week, and that Henry would just straight up dominate from the start.  You know, like every Mark Henry match ever.  BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG.  SO. FUCKING. WRONG.  You see, Bourne got a minute or two of evading Henry and getting some hit and run offense in there before getting his ass beat like last week.  So, like I said. TOTALLY DIFFERENT.  That Mark Henry sure likes to mix things up, doesn’t he?

 

So, from here it’s the usual fare – throwing his weight around, corner charges, and RESTHOLDS, RESTHOLDS, RESTHOLDS.  This goes on for a while until Henry tanks it on a Warrior impression, missing the running splash.  No hands necessary as Bourne hits kicks aplenty to score a two count on Mizark.  However, when he goes up for a cross body, he leaps right into the chocolatey loving arms of Henry.  Seeing how he has him in the position, Mark doesn’t go for the World’s Strongest Slam and, you know, WIN.  NOPE.  He instead does a fallaway slam to send Evan to the outside.  I’m pretty sure this is the not the first time he’s done this.  To that I say, Mark isn’t the brightest guy, is he?  Anyway, from here, it’s looking like a repeat of last week, but when Evan tries to go up to the top rope again, the ref catches Tony Atlas dry humping his leg.  Or something.  Anyway, probably because he’s black, this leads to a disqualification.

 

Winner:  Evan Bourne

 

What Stood Out:  I’m certainly a happy camper when Evan scores a win.  Thing is, I don’t think I’ve seen him lose in a while.  Like, this is approaching Cena levels here.  \

 

After the bell, Henry tries to steamroll over Evan, but Bourne sends Mark to the outside by pulling down the top rope.  Atlas and Henry argue in pseudo-English about how Atlas is always screwing things up as the old man apologizes profusely, presumably so he can get the HONOR of carrying Henry’s bags some more.  See, it’s not slavery when the master’s black too, right?

 

 

ZackDick Ryder Vs. Local Jobber

 

GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.  A lovely little promo is shown before the match, saying Zack is SO MUCH MORE than the WOO WOO WOO guy, culminating with the SUPER SERIOUS stare.  Yeah, keep dreaming, buddy.  Even the announcers are bored with this guy already, talking about the Flowbee other than, say, the match itself.

 

Seriously, it’s a fucking squash match, you’re expecting something compelling?  Missile dropkick and reverse playmaker finish this shit in a hurry, mercifully.

 

Winner:  Zack Ryder

 

What Stood Out:  GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

 

 

TO THE BACK now, with a quickie segment with Gregory Helms and Finlay.  Finlay’s got a match with Swagger on Superstars, saying he wants “an eye for an eye.”  Ummm, first off, that makes no sense.  Didn’t Dreamer and Christian crashing into him give him that shiner?  So, shouldn’t he be going after them?  Oops, sorry about that, my brain’s bleeding.

 

 

Tommy Dreamer Vs. A COMMERCIAL BREAK~!  No, wait, just Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill

 

Pirate Hooker Katie Lea cuts a quickie promo before the match, saying how this is Tommy’s last match on ECW, and blah blah, who cares, Paul’s not winning tonight, is he?

 

Tommy gets the upper hand early with some hammerlocks and such, but a quick look over Katie’s way gets him put down, drop toe held on the middle rope.  Eh, can’t blame the guy.  Weak as hell “ECW” chants start up as Paul stomps the fuck out of Dreamer, then locks on an Ortonlock and such.  After wearing him out some more, Paul bitchslaps a prone Dreamer, only to earn an overhand slap to the left tit.  Paul takes right back over, with a quickie sleeper, but Russian leg sweep turns things around for Dreamer again.  Schoolboy for two, reverse DDT for what should’ve been another two (the ref said Paul’s arm was under the rope so no dice), and Paul whips out something I haven’t seen in a LONG-ass time – a BRAINBUSTER.  WOW.  Looked pretty sharp.  Of course, it means precisely dick as he bombs a corner charge, gets DDT’ed, and pinned by Tommy Dreamer right after that.

 

Winner:  Tommy Dreamer

 

What Stood Out:  Good for what it was worth, showing Tommy was a “never say die” kind of guy that may be able to pull it out on Sunday.  Also, a brainbuster being used on WWE is something quite magical.

 

 

After a commercial break, Tommy has REFUSED to leave the ring, grabbing a mic.  Tommy tries to thank the fans on how it may be his last night on ECW, but before it gets too sappy, here comes The All-American American Jack Swagger to interrupt.  He lisps out some stuff about how Tommy’s irrelevant, how he’s going to beat Tommy at his own game, and how he’ll be gone off his show for good after this Sunday.  You know, typical heel bullshittery.  Dreamer fires back with how much the ECW championship means to him, and how now he’s confident to win at Extreme Rules.  It was pretty intense stuff, so I approve.

 

 

Tyson Kidd w/ The Hart Dynasty Vs. ECW Champion Christian

 

I for one am digging this match-up.  Just throwing that out there.  Also, looks like Christian’s sporting a new shirt, but using that Budweiser font again.  Striker flubs up, saying Christian has a 33% chance of losing the title on Sunday, but quickly goes back to cover it up, changing it to 66%.  It leads to a humorous back and forth between him and Josh Matthews, and bolsters why I love Striker on commentary.  Can you believe he WRESTLED when he could’ve been doing this the whole time?

 

Christian gets the upper hand from the opening bell, you know, because he’s the good guy.  These things happen.  Kidd and Christian trade arm locks and headlocks and all sorts of locks, only for Christian to stop the shenanigans with a shoulder block, and Kidd retreats once again.  For some reason, the ref is LOUD (probably because of the typical non-reaction ECW gets), and sounds like he just got done smoking a carton of cigarettes.  Christian continues to outdo Kidd in the ring, culminating with catching Kidd off the top in a nice exchange for two.  Shit spills to the outside soon after, and here’s where Kidd gets to turn things around.  Fellow Canadians David Hart Smith and Natalya distract Christian (no doubt debating that the Calgary Flames are the superior Canadian hockey team, inciting the Toronto ire of Christian), leading to Kidd charging Christian back first into the steel steps.  Christian and Kidd go back into the ring, going into the last commercial break with Christian presumably having less than fun times.

 

Out of the break, Kidd is still stomping away on Christian, when the champ gets his MAGICAL coming out of break second wind.  After a couple seconds of the two taking shots at each other, Kidd decides to take a page out of Lance Storm’s playbook, getting the rolling single leg crab on Christian.  After some red-faced selling by Christian, he battles out, only to get put down again and put in a surfboard.  After a few more minutes of this, Christian battles out, AGAIN, and the two clothesline each other down.  They’re both up and trade shots some more, but Christian starts rolling with a drop toe hold to the middle rope for Kidd.  After some illegal tactics (namely Christian standing on Kidd as he’s slouched over the rope), Christian goes airborne with a missile dropkick for two.  Nice little back and forth gets going from here, as it’s basically a counter-fest.  Sunset flip by Christian gets sat down on for two; Kidd goes airborne twice and gets powerbombed and powerslammed, respectively, for two.  Shit breaks right the fuck down from here, as Jack Swagger comes out to get himself a front row set.  The distraction lets Kidd toss Christian off the top rope and hit a leg drop for two.  Swagger inches closer, but out comes Dreamer to send him flying into DH Smith, and cannonballs into the both of them.  In the ensuing crap, Kidd gets the advantage for a while, but can’t put Christian away for the three.  Christian then decides to stop his shit cold, hit a Killswitch, and pick up the victory.

 

Winner:  Christian

 

What Stood Out:

 

After the bell, Dreamer joins Christian in the ring for a post-match good guy love fest, BUT OH WAIT.  Dreamer decides to make Christian look like a moron AGAIN, as when Christian shakes his hand, Dreamer holds on and hits his DDT.  SUSPENSE!  INTRIGUE!  THIS SUNDAY!  I’ll stop now.  Or not.  THE END.

 

 

Uppers:  ONCE AGAIN, lack of video packages gets a thumbs up from me.  I am digging this trend, so it’ll continue to stay in this category until the mid-show video fest makes its horrible, horrible return.  Other than that, the matches delivered what they should’ve tonight.  Evan Bourne still looks like a plucky babyface, Team Blackness is having some trouble in paradise, Dreamer looks like a credible threat due to his total motivation for winning the title Sunday, and Christian proves once again that he’s the champ.  So, yes, believe it or not, the triple threat match for the ECW Championship is one of the better built matches for Extreme Rules.  Shame, you know, how it’s going to be paid precisely no attention to.  Yay for ECW being remotely relevant!

 

Downers:  Honestly, I really only have one complaint about this show.  Zack Ryder.  Still horrible, still gay as hell.  Outside of that…eh, no real complaints.  Consider me entertained, for once.

 

Overall:  TWO THUMBS UP for tonight’s show, as yes, ECW can be ENTERTAINING sometimes.  Who knew, seeing how ratings are taking a nosedive.  Sadly, it depends on the other WWE shows to support it.  Namely, Raw and its utter shittiness.  So when Raw, say, makes the entire planet collectively ashamed to like professional wrestling, ECW takes a hit as a result.  Life’s totally fair that way.   

 

 

Well, it took forever, but I finally finished this.  Sure glad I got to stick around for a DQ opener!  Damn I need a DVR bad…

 

 

 

(06/09/09)

 

Welcome back to the ECW report – where all your dreams come true.  As long as you only have one dream – reading shitty jokes about a shitty show!  I kid.  The show’s not that bad.

 

OK, this shit’s getting ridiculous.  Like I said last week, Kennedy I could see getting fired.  Dude’s a fuck-up, plain and simple.  But UMAGA?!  Really?  I can’t even imagine a reason for this one.  I’m convinced Vince is just spinning a wheel and handing the walking papers to whomever it lands on.  Bear in mind Triple H’s spot on the wheel is about 1 nanometer wide.  In addition to that, it’s pretty much been announced all over the Internet that several other people need to be watching their ass about now.  Suspensions and firings be a comin’!  Sounds about right, it’s high time for a good ol’ fashioned bloodletting.  Thinking about it, I haven’t really heard of a wellness violation in a while, so apparently they’re just going to group them all together.  Fun times to be had on Monday, eh?  Alright, enough of guys fucking up, let’s get to it.

 

 

Still standing here in Biloxi! And we open with a quick recap of the ECW triple threat last Sunday at Extreme Rules.  Striker makes a Killswitch Engage reference, Dreamer is made to look credible, and they throw in as many effects as they can to make this look interesting.  I mean, come on, all he did was whack Swagger with a crutch and DDT him for the belt.  Hell, I could do that.  Though, nice touch splashing in some old ECW for the nostalgia goodness of it all.

 

General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany is in the ring to start us off after the opening credits, introducing Dreamer to sign a new contract.  Striker slips up and calls Josh Todd, leading to a quick recovery.  It’s moments like that that make me love Striker and Matthews.  They just sound like they’re, GASP, having fun out there.  Dreamer gets a hearty handshake from GMGBT; Dreamer goes to do his Oscar acceptance speech, which earns some sparse cheers here and there.  Credit where it’s due, the guy sure does make this moment feel special.  And why shouldn’t he?  This reign is already like, what, 48 times longer than his last one?  Christian comes out to interrupt, bringing a box of tissues along for the ride.  Apparently he thought he had enough time to pound one out before getting out there to do his promo.  WRONG.  Anyway he jokingly hands them off to Dreamer, calling him crybaby.  Har.  This actually got a couple boos from the crowd.  Anyway, blah blah, he didn’t get pinned, he wants the rematch, Swagger will get his for butting in their business, you know the drill.  He even calls Swagger a DORK.  OH NO HE DI’INT!!!!  Swagger, not taking such verbal abuse, comes out, looking all somber.  Swagger says he shouldn’t have even been in the match at the PPV, how the one day contract extension is BS, and how Dreamer should forfeit the title.  Man, a lot of that word going around WWE these days!  Christian implies he’s siding with Swagger, before he whips around and decks Swagger.  Dreamer and Christian send Jack packing, Dreamer signs his new contract, goes up top to chant ECW to the delight of no one, BUT OH WAIT.  Christian moved the contract table when Dreamer wasn’t looking, and powerbombs Dreamer off the turnbuckle through it.  It’s explained that it’s just returning the favor from last week, so no heel turn yet.  I think.  It’s a shame though.  Contract signings usually are so peaceful and uneventful!

 

 

TO THE BACK now, with GMGBT having words with the backstage crew.  Apparently some light fixtures fell over, when A MAN IN GREEN swooshed in to save a guy from being smashed.  Oh God no.  Please don’t bring him back.  Anyway, GMGBT moves on to talk with Christian to talk about the main event last night.  Dreamer was his tag partner, but OH NOES, he can’t compete.  So, Jack Swagger is made Christian’s partner instead.  The plot thickens, and shit like that.

 

 

Tony Atlas w/ Mark Henry Vs. Evan Bourne

 

Wow, they’re really doing this?  Uh oh, Bourne taped his wrists up…he’ll never be a star now!  Sporting the 70’s tights again, in a nice touch.

 

Basically, this is a Mark Henry match, with Tony Atlas playing the role of largely immobile black guy this time.  He powers Bourne all over the ring, inside and out, not looking half bad in the process.  Henry in street clothes is kind of a new visual though.  He doesn’t look ridiculous, and he’s not sweating Lake Erie out at ringside either!  Evan gets in a few shots here and there – low dropkick, standing moonsault, good times.  Out of nowhere, this match comes to a screeching halt when Bourne catches Atlas with a Paydirt-like move, then following it up with a PPSSP for the victory.

 

Winner:  Evan Bourne

 

What Stood Out:  Atlas did NOT look totally abysmal out there!  Compared to other Legends that come back to the ring, he’s pretty damn good.  That counts for something, right?

 

After the bell, Henry waddles in to steamroll over Bourne, finishing things up with a World’s Strongest Slam.  Henry looks positively jovial going to the back, actually.  This transitions to some quick speculation about the main event tonight.  I just have to make a couple observations here.  One, the ECW match graphics.  They’re pretty fucking sweet.  Shame no one ever actually watches this show to marvel in their beauty.  Secondly, during the commercial break, they do an ad for the ER encore, which was pretty clever with how they did the CM Punk cash in bit.  Basically they added it in to interrupt the ordering info.  Like I said, clever.  Guess it doesn’t translate too well into text.  Oopsie!

 

 

Vladimir Koslov Vs. Luke Hawx and Chris Lewie

 

Uhh, why the hell is Vlad acting like a face when he comes out to the ring?  He’s like smiling, raising his arms and waving, shit like that.  You’re a killing machine – act robotic damn it!

 

As soon as the bell rings, the smile goes away thankfully, and it’s back to the same old same old you’ve seen since he’s debuted.  He tosses and headbutts the bald jobber all over the ring, the other one tags in to try to do…um, something off the top rope, but he gets the headbutt too.  MOBH finishes this one off right afterwards.

 

Winner:  Vladimir Koslov

 

What Stood Out:  SMILING VLAD.  WHAT THE SHIT FUCKING HELL.  I think he was ad-libbing that tonight.  Considering how Vince has been with the roster the past couple weeks (AKA Who’s getting shitcanned next?), I would highly advise against pulling shit like that, buddy.

 

 

TO THE BACK…AGAIN with Christian and Swagger.  Swagger just tells Christian he’ll hold up his end in the match tonight, because he’s an All-American American.  So there.  Nyah.

 

 

DAMN IT.  THE STREAK ENDS.  Raw Recap video now, highlighting mostly Batista being sent packing for sterioidsa bicep injury, along with HHH coming back.  More observations, yay!  Number one, I found Batista yelling, “This’ll never be over” and “You will never get rid of me” more threats to the fans than Orton.  Second, HHH has magical powers to nullify stipulations now?  As soon as Trips appeared on the screen, the ref should’ve counted 9 and 10 and awarded Orton the title.  Yet, technically Batista’s still the champ today.  Uh, what?  I guess I’m thinking about this one too much, and you know how WWE feels about thinking!  Third, LONGEST BEATING EVER.  I think Orton got a whole one punch in before getting assraped (figuratively thank God) for about 15 minutes straight.  That’s our Hunter!  This leads to Striker and Matthews announcing two of the title matches for the 3 hour Raw next Monday – Orton, HHH, Cena, and Big Show for the WWE Title, and Dreamer/Christian for the ECW Title.  Should be good, unless Swagger ruins the match…AGAIN.

 

 

The Hart Dynasty Vs.  Christian and The All-American American Jack Swagger

 

Prior to the blondes coming out, Natalya gets on the mic to deliver some generic rant about the match.  Christian and Swagger are former champs, and the evil Canadians are going to be future champions.  Followed up with that Neidhart laugh, which is noticeably less retarded coming from her.  Coming out of a commercial break, they show Dreamer’s victory picture from the PPV, which more looked like he just got punted in the balls than winning an “important” title.  Third, apparently Swagger added something else to his entrance other than mimicking an ape…by doing push-ups in the aisle!  Well, A for effort, man.  I just laughed at the randomness of it all.

 

Swagger and DH start out, but Christian immediately tags in.  All this gets him is an ass kicking from DH, followed by Kidd screaming REALLY LOUD while he gets some kicks in.  Because he’s tiny, Christian eventually whoops up on him, only for Swagger to tag himself in to amateur wrestle him into a few two counts.  Swagger shoves Christian to the outside to tag out, but Kidd can’t take advantage.  So, Swagger shoves Christian again once they’re back inside, but this doesn’t count as a tag.  Why this doesn’t and the other shove does, no idea.  So anyway, Christian got shoved right into a dropkick from Tyson Kidd, and the heels take turns tuning Christian up in the corner going into the last break.

 

Back from break, and SHOCKINGLY DH Smith is working a rest hold on Christian.  Like I said, shocking. Deep breaths, we’ll get through this.  This soon transitions into the delayed vertical suplex, and Kidd’s back in with more LOUD NOISES!  Christian tries that kick through the ropes, but Kidd blocks and hits a nice enzuguiri for two.  More rest holds now, but Christian battles out to…miss a body splash.  Kidd follows up with a snap suplex, and tries for a long distance moonsault, which misses.  Christian staggers to Swagger (heh, that rhymed kind of), but opts to bitchslap him instead of tagging out.  Apparently, this rejuvenated Christian, as he runs wild on Kidd and Smith.  Not sure if this was a botch or not, but Christian slips out of a running powerslam attempt, only to slip up on a roll-up.  They recovered nicely though, so no real complaints here.  Christian hands out some reverse DDTs and tornado DDTs, but the Killswitch is blocked.  Finally shit comes to a head when Christian goes for another Killswitch attempt, but Kidd tosses him into Swagger, who snaps Christian off the top rope.  This leads to Kidd tagging out for a Hart Attack, and the victory.

 

Winner:  The Hart Dynasty

 

What Stood Out:  Umm, not too much actually.  Everybody did their role very well in this one.  But as far as what stood out?  How about…first time the Hart Attack has been used to win a match in decades in WWE?  Eh, best I can come up with.

 

After the bell, all the heels take turns stomping away on Christian, only for Tommy Dreamer to run to the ring, looking suave with kendo stick in hand.  The Canadians get away, but Swagger takes a few stick shots for his trouble.  Lots of pointing and staring, with hype for Dreamer/Christian next Monday thrown in for good measure.  Good times, good times.  THE END.

 

 

Uppers:  This is actually not as easy as it normally is.  Nothing really popped out and pleased me, honestly.  However, I then compared this to Raw, and I immediately brightened up!  I will have to say that what really was a plus was just the new direction and coherent plot ECW’s getting.  Come on, who honestly expected Dreamer to win the title?  I know I was shocked.  Couple that with making him look somewhat credible, and it was a good moment.  Fact is, Dreamer as champ is, while probably not the best thing in the world, well it’s SOMETHING NEW.  Don’t count on getting that from Raw anytime soon.  HHH/Orton?  Thumbs up for variety!  Also, Bourne/Atlas was surprisingly decent, along with the main event being pretty well wrestled.  It still shocks me how ECW and Smackdown are so much more entertaining because they focus on good wrestling matches…AND RAW DOES NOT GRASP THIS.  Shame.

 

Downers:  Smilin’ Vlad Koslov squash matches don’t do it for me, really.  I realize he can’t do much else, but it doesn’t mean I still don’t find it boring as hell.  Also, that “some guy in green saved me from falling lights” snippet is a BAD omen.  In case you’re retarded, it was a reference to superhero Hurricane Helms.  It’s probably going to happen, especially since I noticed Helms doing a cross body in the opening graphics, which got revamped.  And if there’s any precedent I’ve set since I started writing this report, it’s this – NOT A FAN OF GUYS IN GREEN.  Finally, and sadly, the end of video recap ECW episodes.  Thankfully, it was only one (as opposed to when it was non-stop and taking up half of the show) this time, but still.  Cue up Darth Vader – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

 

Overall:  ONE THUMB UP for tonight’s show.  Consider me ever so slightly entertained.  Not as good as last week, but still plenty of good shit to be found on this show.  At least Dreamer treats the title like something important, and I mean REALLY important.  Dude can NOT stop tearing up in any promo he’s done for the past 4 weeks.  I’d call gay on him, but then I recall he gets to put the spurs to Beulah when he gets home.  Ah, say what you want about the guy, but sometimes I wish I were him.

 

 

Rule of thumb with WWE – if it’s not Raw, it’s good.  Watch ECW and Smackdown NOW.  I don’t give a shit what you’re doing Tuesday and Friday night…WATCH.  Or I’ll find you.  And I’m educated in Engineering.  I can make that shit happen.

 
 
 

(06/16/09)

 

Welcome back to the ECW Report.  I’m Neil McGilloway, and frankly, I’m assuming Cameron Burge did his best Kurt Cobain impression after last night, so say hi to your new Raw recapper!  OK, not really.

 

So, for those wondering how Raw last night factored into ECW, here’s the rundown:

 

-         Tommy Dreamer retained against Christian in a match no one in the crowd gave a shit about.

 

…Aaaaaaand that’s about it.  Hope you got all that.  Now, regarding Raw, it sucks as usual.  Even when they try to throw us a curveball (selling Raw, oooh who’s the new owner going to be?), they immediately send that shit spiraling into the dirt at Mach 3 with the letdown that is Donald Trump.  Now, people may say I’m not giving this a chance, and to that I say, GOD DAMN RIGHT.  But I’m not the only one, that’s for sure.  Any mention of Trump last night, the crowd immediately DIED.  And I’m talking, I’ve heard moments of silence over the deceased louder than what Trump got.  The guy is well known for being a total douche in real life, so he’s not exactly liked.  Popular, yeah sure, but not liked.  Personally for me though, his voice just gets on my last nerve.  He sounds like some Guido asshole you’d meet every square inch in New York, and being from Philly, you can see why that irks me so much.  Not to mention the guy didn’t even make a remote attempt to not make that promo look pre-taped.  On the other hand, no soul on this planet could’ve made that tripe work.  So yeah, they need a miracle to turn that around.  Add in the feud of the century (only because it seems like it’s lasted that long) with HHH/Orton, and Smackdown/ECW are looking better and better every day.  More betterer, if you are to listen to Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes.

 

However, it did give us some gems, like…

 

 

But more importantly, this…

 

 

I’m sorry, never thought I’d say this, but after that, GOD DAMN I LOVE THE MIZ.  What can I say, my mark out moments are a little different than yours.

 

 

Still Standing Here in…Roanoke?  Oh well, it’s away from Donald Trump, and that’s all that matters to me.

 

David Hart Smith w/ Hart Dynasty Vs. Christian

 

The hilarity of the crowd semi-popping for the Hart Dynasty music last night (as they assumed it was Bret Hart) was not lost on me.  Watching ECW has its benefits, you know.  Like, for instance, not looking like a total tool on TV.

 

Alright, time for some hot Canadian on Canadian action!  And what does DH go for right off the bat?  You guessed it – REST HOLDS.  Thankfully it’s short lived, but seriously, dude needs some variety in a bad way.  Christian tries to out-quick DH, but all that gets him is shoulder blocked and body slammed, over and over.  After the body slam spree, DH tries to work the chinlock (JESUS CHRIST MAN), but Christian soon gets out and takes over with a spinning heel kick.  Things soon spill to the outside, where, if you’ve been watching ANY HART DYNASTY MATCH, the heels take over.  However, it’s with a BRUTAL AS FUCK looking spot, with DH dropping Christian with an uranage on the corner of the ring apron.  I’m assuming Christian is selling it like a champ, because that looked painful.  Of course, when DH takes over, it’s MORE REST HOLDS, working the back and neck in particular.  Striker puts over the Hart Dynasty via saying they might already be better than the British Bulldogs.  I then imagined him meaning they were better than the Bulldogs right now (as in, a guy in a wheelchair from taking horse steroids and a guy fertilizing the local cemetery for the same reason).  Yes, I am probably going to hell, thanks for asking.  Anyway, Christian is able to low bridge DH to the outside, hitting a springboard crossbody to have the good blonde Canadian and the evil blonde Canadian laid out going into break.

 

Back from break, apparently that crossbody didn’t do SHIT, as Christian’s gagging on a chinlock.  DH is learning, as that hold’s broken pretty much right after coming out of break, and he starts working the back.  Striker again tries to put over the Dynasty, saying they DIDN’T SHAKE THE HAND OF THE BOOGIE WOOGIE MAN.  Even JBL has to tip his hat at that much obscurity.  Christian soon rallies, hitting two pendulum kicks in the corner, a SHORYUKEN (which Striker didn’t call, so I guess my lawyers had some words with him), and stands on DH as he’s draped on the ropes.  Inexplicably, after that, he chases after Tyson Kidd (seriously, all he was doing was standing there), which gets him a stiff clothesline for his trouble.  From here it’s a counter-fest, including a Killswitch attempt shoved off, and a sleeper from Christian turned into a running powerslam.  Things finally come to a head when Christian goes up one too many times, leading to a Hart distraction (Natalya occupies the ref and Kidd shoved him off the turnbuckle).  Saito Suplex right after gets a victory for DH.

 

Winner:  David Hart Smith

 

What Stood Out:  DH’s moveset.  Apparently it’s restholds and whatever his dad did.  However, things stayed interesting, so WWE sticking to making the Harts look strong is fine shit.

 

After the bell, the Hart Dynasty tries to celebrate with some post-match shenanigans, but out comes Finlay of all people to scare them off.  This earns the Harts a VERY LOUD AND PASSIONATE one-person chant of ‘Scaredy-Cat!’  I happened to find that hilarious.  It’s ‘SU-PER DRA-GON!’ all over again.  Finlay, apparently realizing how much of a pussy he’s been portrayed as lately, helps up Christian, but then immediately clocks him with the shillelagh, which got some considerable boos.  Christian ends up on his back, but Finlay rolls Christian over and then…nothing.  He just leaves.  I think he just rolled him over to stare at his ass for a bit.  After the break, he explains to Helms that he did it to return the favor of his eye injury caused by Christian’s bitch fight with Dreamer.  So he’s…something?  Tweener I guess.

 

 

Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs. Evan Bourne…yes, again

 

Score one for variety!  However, it’s still fresher than HHH/Orton.  THREE Last Man Standing matches between these two, arguably in the same storyline?! Killing me here.

 

Bourne tries to take it to Henry right from the opening bell, but Henry’s blackness once again proves to be too much.  Henry just tosses Bourne to the outside, and he starts selling the taped ribs.  Mark Henry then starts really stomping away on Bourne, most likely out of anger.  I mean, people should know better than to yell out ‘ribs’ around Henry, and not get their asses kicked and/or wigs split.  NEVER LIE ABOUT MARK HENRY’S NEXT MEAL BEING READY.  Bourne gets some shots in when Henry tanks it on a running splash and banzai drop, managing to get a two count off of some kicky goodness.  However, for some reason I don’t think I’d ever comprehend, Bourne tries to go for a crucifix pin on Henry.  All this gets him is tossed up over and over until he lands into the World’s Strongest Slam, which gets the pin.

 

Winner:  Mark Henry

 

What Stood Out:  HOLY CRAP, BOURNE LOST!  Had to happen one of these days.  Also, this match was slow, even by Henry standards.  Though, the finish was pretty cool.  However, Bourne got pretty emphatically destroyed, so I’m wondering if he pissed someone off backstage or something…

 

After the bell, Henry decides to rub it in a little more with another World’s Strongest Slam.  I’m going to go ahead and say…feud over?  You don’t get much more ‘clean finish’ than that.

 

 

Well obviously considering it was three hours last night, time for a Raw Recap.  This one focused on the championship matches, mostly with Raw’s 4 way.  Oops, spoke too soon, here’s crap with Donald Trump.  THEY’RE PIPING IN SILENCE!  Not really, but even the piped-in pop was pretty lackluster.  Ahh, back to wrestling.  The battle royal, of course.  So, a few notes.  One, not really getting the point of some decisions last night.  Why’d Orton lose the title only to get it back a week later?  Why would you give away a PPV match for free?  How the hell am I supposed to buy a PPV when the only match announced for it is The Colons Vs. Priceless?  Secondly, Botchamania is going to have a field day with that show.  MVP was late to coming out for the battle royal (also he wore a Manchester United jersey to the ring – why, I have no clue), they advertised the wrong match for Smackdown on Friday, and Lillian messed something up.  I’ll just assume that, because she’s good at two things – rolling r’s needlessly and fucking introductions up.  Coming out of the recap, we see Helms running (implying he was saving some damsel in distress or some shit) to an interview with Jack Swagger.  Jack says it’s a joke that he has to earn a title shot, but vows to become champ again.  Basic stuff and all that.

 

 

The All-American American Jack Swagger Vs. ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer, Non-Title Match

 

So, looks like Jack is smiling again, so good for him.  Also, he’s sticking with doing push-ups during his entrance.  Michelle McCool might have something to say about that.  Finally, this needs to be said.  Dreamer’s music is BORING.  Alice in Chains isn’t exactly an energetic band in the first place (just ask Jerry Cantrell!), and making a crappy instrumental version of one of their songs isn’t helping things.

 

Dreamer decides to use this match as his UFC tryout, because for some reason he’s got his MMA working boots on tonight.  Striker decides to go with the flow, and says things like “shoots the half” to look hip.  Sorry buddy, you’re a proud Republican, therefore you’ll never be cool.  At least, that’s what all the Democrats say.  Anyway, Dreamer mounts and slugs away on Swagger, only to get pried off from the ref.  Swagger soon finds himself on the outside, and catches a Dreamer baseball slide.  Dreamer tries to follow up with a cannonball off the apron, but gets powerslammed on the outside as a result.  Dreamer’s left laying and Swagger is screaming in his ear to get up going into the last break.

 

Out of break, I am freaked the FUCK out with the expression on Dreamer’s face.  Basically it looks like he saw The Ring.  Eyes and Mouth are wide open as he’s getting worked with an abdominal stretch, and the camera compliments this with an uncomfortable zoom in.  Dreamer battles out, but Swagger amateurs him right back into it in a nice spot (he basically transitioned back into it from catching a running Tommy Dreamer – it’s the best way I can explain it).  Dreamer hiptosses Swagger out of this one, so Jack resorts to just wailing away on his face.  Dreamer finally rallies to connect with a bulldog out of the corner after tossing Jack into it.  Swagger counters out of the DDT attempt with a Northern Lights, and yes, of course, the crowd couldn’t possibly give any less of a shit.  Dreamer evens the score by countering a Doctor Bomb attempt with a roll-up for two, Dreamer tries going up top (FLY FATASS FLY) for a crappy frog splash attempt, but since Swagger could see that blimp coming a mile away, he just rolls out of the way, leaving Dreamer to crash and burn.  Swagger puts on an Oklahoma Roll to get the pin right afterwards.

 

Winner:  Jack Swagger

 

What Stood Out:  Dreamer’s apparently a luchador/MMA enthusiast now?  I’m expecting either a Gogoplata or 450 splash next week from him.  Anything less, I will be utterly disappointed.  Also, Swagger continues to hone his heeling it up craft, yet doing it by just WRESTLING.  So, like Kurt Angle, without the gold medal.

 

After the bell, Finlay comes down to the ring again, and Swagger is chased off.  Of course, seeing how he already popped Christian, you know how this one ends.  Dreamer takes a stick shot as soon as he gets up.  Christian dashes to the ring right afterwards and takes it to Finlay, but all that gets him is jumped by Swagger.  As a result, Christian takes another shillelagh shot.  Swagger tries to celebrate with his new Irish buddy, but he gets popped as well.  I would assume this is the return of non-vagina, badass Finlay, but then his Hornswoggle raped music plays, instantly negating that display.  Might want to work on that aspect of the character.  THE END.

 

 

Uppers:  Again, and I cannot stress this enough, not having Donald Trump anywhere near this show brings me so much joy.  Also, all three matches were entertaining enough tonight.  Jump out of your seat awesome? HELL no.  But also, not toss my TV out the window bad.  One thing’s for sure, if you love heels, tonight was your night.  Bad guys won each match, and Finlay took down the two top faces for good measure too.  Finally, I can certainly be appreciative of WWE trying to make Finlay badass again.  JUST CHANGE THE FUCKING MUSIC ALREADY.

 

Downers:  Having to relive last night was a bit of a downer, that’s for sure.  Outside of that…can’t really file any major complaints about tonight’s show. Damn it!

 

Overall:  Good show tonight.  I’ll throw out my conspiracy theory and say it’s because WWE is doing damage control coming out of last night.  I mean, their stock took a major hit COINCIDENTALLY today.  Sure, it’s because WWE investors are fucking retarded and thought the sale to Donald Trump was REAL, but my point still stands.  Maybe.

 

Well, that’s enough of this.  Back to my delicious syntho-chicken parmasean!

 

 

 

(06/23/09)

 

Welcome back to the ECW Report, penned by the ever-so-humble Neil McGilloway!  Tonight’s a special one, as for once, I won’t be doing the random ranting before the show.  Surely that’ll make someone out there happy, right?  Right.  Thanks for agreeing with me.  On that note, let’s get to it!

 

 

Still standing here in Milwaukee!  Man, I want a beer now.  A fine brew that only Yuengling can provide.  They’re America’s oldest brewery, you know. The only beer good enough to be called Lager.  Oh look at that, apparently there’s a scramble match at the PPV Sunday for the ECW Championship, featuring Tommy Dreamer, Christian, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, and Finlay.  Sure, that’ll work.  Cue the planes taking off!

 

Evan Bourne Vs. Tyson Kidd w/ The Hart Dynasty

 

Seen this match quite a few times before, with Bourne steamrolling over Kidd each time.  But now Kidd’s got a posse!  Or not.  DH tries to interject himself early by…standing on the apron for little reason, which forces the ref to play Immigration Enforcement for a while, deporting the Canadian’s asses to the back.  Kidd manages to take over regardless, hitting some rough kicks and rest holds.  I guess that Evan is just completely accustomed to Mark Henry matches that he demands they all play out the same way?  Kidd targets those ever-present taped ribs (ribs?  RIBS?!  Time to go to Famous Dave’s!) of Bourne, but Evan gets in a few fancy spots here and there.   Like, a crossbody out of a vertical suplex, ‘ranas, and roll-ups!  OK, they looked better on first sight.  Well, anyway, Bourne finally turns things around with a tiger knee on a running Kidd, and quickly goes for the PPSSP, which connects for the victory.

 

Winner:  Evan Bourne

 

What Stood Out:  The complete lack of high flying done by these two guys.  Given the chance in the past, these two have put on some really entertaining matches.  Tonight?  Not so much.  But, once again, the PPSSP looks great.  Bourne flies high, like you would if you booked a flight with Southwest Airlines!  You are now free to move about the country.

 

 

After the match, the announcers quickly bring up Finlay attempting to not be a pussy anymore, speculating whether or not he’s a bad guy now.  I’m going to go with…eh, why not?  As long as the music gets changed already…

 

 

Finlay Vs. Zack Ryder

 

AND THEY DO NOT.  Finlay comes out with the shitty music as usual.  Grabbing the nearest microphone once he gets in the ring, he tries to explain himself.  Apparently he is pissed because he was sent A TEXT saying sorry, instead of getting a call.  Christian should sign up with the low, low rates of Vonage.  He wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not he can afford to call long distance again!  Yeah, I can see why he was pissed.  I wouldn’t text someone if their parents just got shot.  Same concept, right?  However, when Finlay tries to explain himself further, Zack Ryder comes out to gay it up, interrupting Finlay.  After some generic shit I couldn’t be bothered to remember for five seconds, we get to the match!  After a commercial break.  Sweet, sweet commercials.

 

Out of break, Ryder is getting steamrolled by Finlay, but hides in the ropes to take a breather.  I would like to mention that it sounds like Striker is fucking drunk or depressed as hell during this match.  Hey, I’m all for new guys getting elevated…as long as it’s not THIS.  So yeah, Finlay lands a variety of punches and clubbing blows for a few minutes – nothing special, but crisp like the produce section at Super Fresh.  Ryder finally takes over when the two collide coming out of the corner, and Finlay sells the injured eye.  So, of course Zack takes advantage of this by…working a chinlock.  PSYCHOLOGY.  Learn it.  OK, he must’ve heard me, because after Finlay battles out of that, Ryder resorts to kicks and knees to the eye area, followed by a headlock…WITH PRESSURE APPLIED TO THE EYE.  Finlay mounts a comeback when Ryder goes up top to…feather his hair, and then drop down into a foot to the face.  Finlay gets a two off the rolling Samoan drop, so Ryder just goes right back to the eye.  Apparently, it’s to the degree that the ref breaks things up to check on Finlay, so Ryder undoes the turnbuckle pad in the meantime.  When the ref goes to have words with him (perhaps on which hair product he’s using – Pantene, perhaps?), Finlay just resorts to rolling his gay ass up, with a handful of tights to boot, to pick up the win.

 

Winner:  Finlay

 

What Stood Out:  So much for Finlay looking badass, or strong for his title match Sunday.  Nope, get a fluke pin off of the WOO WOO WOO guy.  That’ll show Tommy!

 

 

Whew, this recapping stuff is hard work – I need a cool, refreshing drink!

 

 

Ah, that’s better.  Damn that’s good.

 

 

Recap time for Raw, now, focusing on the Last Man Standing match, and ensuing booking of the Three Stages of Hell for the PG era match at the PPV.  Sigh, and Donald Trump crap too.  Joy.  Well, my thoughts on the historic Raw last night arBUYKENTUCKYGRILLEDCHICKENBUYKENTUCKYGRILLEDCHICKENBUYKENTUCKYGRILLEDCHICKEN

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After a quick rundown of what’s happening at the PPV (considering they booked this thing last minute, it’s a damn good little card), we go into the ring to see Striker going over the rules for the Championship Scramble match for the ECW Championship, complete with chalkboard.  Because he’s a teacher, don’cha know.  After this, Striker throws it TO THE BACK, with Gregory Helms doing an interview with Mark Henry about the match on Sunday.  And then, it happens.  While interviewing, SOME BACKSTAGE SHIT FALLS ON A CREW MEMBER!  INTRIGUE!  Henry turns around to continue talking to Helms, BUT HE’S GONE!  Panning back to the accident, THE UNFORTUNATE CREW MEMBER IS SAVED BY A MASKED MAN IN BLACK AND GREEN, WITH AN H LOGO ON HIS CHEST!  WHO COULD THIS MYSTERY MAN BE?!  Certainly not Gregory Helms, no sir.  See, because as soon as the mystery man runs off (complete with him making a “woosh” sound), the camera pans back to Henry, with Gregory Helms standing right there!  So again, no way he can be the mystery guy, even though the body type, stature, and hair are all the same.  Nope, no, FUCKING, way.  Henry just decides to go “fuck this shit” and storms off, befuddled and confused. 

 

 

The All-American American Jack Swagger and Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs. ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer and Christian

 

So, the new thing that Swagger has added to his entrance?  He mouths the lyrics to his song.  Of course, with his lisp it looks like “on your kneeths!” than the correct lyrics, but the thought’s there, damn it!

 

Christian and Swagger start us out, and because it’s Jack Swagger we’re talking about here, it’s time for an amateur wrestling clinic!  Christian, not being able to stack up in that regard, just connects with a spinning heel kick instead, and tags out to Dreamer.  Tommy tries to work an arm lock, but Swagger amateurs out of that, landing a few clubbing shots before tagging out to Mark Henry.  Henry works the champ over a little bit, but ends up getting tossed from the ring from Dreamer.  Single-handedly.  Yes, that happened, even though it usually takes what, 4 guys to do it during any battle royal?  Yep.  Swagger tries to sneak attack, but he gets tossed as well.  This results in the good guys going airborne simultaneously, with Dreamer hitting Henry with a cannonball off the apron, as Christian hits a crossbody on Swagger from the top rope.  This gets the crowd going (an accomplishment because they’ve been asleep all night) going into the final commercial break.

 

Out of break, Christian was getting wailed on, but quickly mounts some shots of his own and tags out to Dreamer.  Of course, this is Dreamer we’re talking about, champ or no champ.  So, he rolls over Swagger for a little while, hitting a neckbreaker and tree of woe dropkick for two, but a ref distraction comes up and LET THE HEELS BEATING ASS COMMENCE!  Swagger tags out to Henry, who does his usual “I’m really lazy so my moves take no effort but since I’m huge they look devastating” offense, before tagging back to Swagger, who generally fucks up and lets Dreamer get the hot tag to Christian.  Christian runs wild on the bad guys, scoring a two count off a missile dropkick on Henry, along with various Christian-y offense.  Like, throwing a bible at him!  OK, not really.  Swagger blind tags in to try and sneak in a Doctor Bomb, but all this gets him is a roll-up for two, followed by getting planted with a Killswitch.  However, Atlas pulls Swaggers leg under the ropes, so no victory.  Christian, distracted by Atlas, gets rammed into the steel post by Henry, followed quickly by Swagger planting Christian with the Doctor Bomb for the pin.

 

Winner:  Jack Swagger and Mark Henry

 

What Stood Out:  Actually, the length of this match.  It was surprisingly quick, compared to recent main events on ECW.  However, the match told a good story of making it look like anyone was a credible threat on Sunday.  Unlike Finlay.

 

After the bell, WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAMS FOR EVERYONE!  First Dreamer, who was checking on Christian, and then for Swagger.  So, good job making Henry look like a monster for Sunday!  Shame it’s a 20-minute match, so expect to see him clutching his sides every 3 minutes.  THE END.

 

 

Uppers:  First off, I noticed a distinct lack of quickie matches tonight.  All three got about the same amount of time and there’s nothing wrong with that.  The no-nonsenseness of tonight was in stark contrast to the bullshit going on last night, that’s for sure.

 

Downers:  Only a couple things – First, the Finlay match, while decent, I felt was rather counterproductive.  Finlay’s in a championship match Sunday, Zack Ryder isn’t.  Thank God.  However, Finlay has to sneak a pin over Ryder, and they call THAT momentum?  How does that make Finlay a credible threat?  So, the rampant beating of ass was good last week, but this took a little wind out of the sails.  The other thing was seeing Hurricane on my screen.  It’s like, you know the horror is there, but you don’t want to believe it until you see it.

 

Overall:  Thumbs up for tonight – it was pretty straightforward and bare bones, but the wrestling delivered for the most part, so who’s whining? Me, but that’s beside the point.  The point is, SUBSCRIBE TO COMCAST.  IT’S COMCASTIC.

 

 

‘Til next week, this is Neil McGilloway, going to dine on some delicious Season’s Pizza!

 

 

 

(06/30/09)

 

Welcome to the ECW report!  Now with 75% less main eventers!

 

Now, I didn’t see Raw last night, as the girlfriend wanted to see Transformers 2.  More on that later.  What I did find out however was that WWE did a 15-man trade between the three brands…only like, what, 2 months after the draft?  WWE:  WE’RE DESPERATE!  So, how did this mini-draft fare for ECW?  Well, since a picture’s worth a thousand words…

 

 

However, if perhaps that was a little too subtle for you, here’s another graphical representation.  Might be a little NSFW, but damn I’m proud of it.

 

So yeah, ECW will bounce back, they’ll just call up some FCW guys.  No big deal.  What I want to focus on is actually Transformers 2.  MAN, what a meh movie.  I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised as it’s Michael Bay we’re talking about.  Short summary, good action, and that’s about it.  I have a few problems with the movie, but none more enraging than these two fucks:

 

 

Those two would be Skids and Mudflap, two robots that put Jar Jar Binks to shame in the category of “most annoying CGI abomination put on film.”  I was about ready to torch the theater every time the crowd popped for these two.  I find that aspect somewhat amusing, actually.  Let’s just say I imagine Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson won’t be the biggest fan of the twins.  Why?  Let’s count up the factors:

 

-         Their mannerisms and speaking in Ebonics make it very apparent quickly that they’re the “black” robots of this film, replacing the torn in half Jazz from the first one.  No real complaints with that one.

-         One of the twins has a gold tooth and his two front teeth are comically oversized.

-         The twins’ faces are decidedly monkey-like in structure.

-         Early in the movie, the twins combine to form a very beat-up vehicle, compared to the rest of the Autobots, who transform into PRISTINE AND SUPER AWESOME GM CARS THAT YOU SHOULD GO OUT AND BUY RIGHT NOW.

-         At a certain point in the movie, they blatantly say that “they don’t do much readin’.”

 

COME THE FUCK ON.  Actually, the comparison to Jar Jar is fairly accurate, because didn’t he also get compared to negative black stereotypes?  I get the feeling Michael Bay was in his mansion doing a soft-shoe in blackface once the money started rolling in for this film.  Don’t believe me?  I’m pretty sure that outside of them, there was only one other black guy in the movie.  I guess he effectively cancelled out him doing Bad Boys II, eh?  Let’s get to it.

 

 

Still standing here in…who knows!   And we start immediately in the ring with the world’s worst General Manager, General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany!  She tries to back up her shitty trading abilities, but of course, says the New Talent Initiative is in full effect.  The only thing in full effect is her famous grade school elocution (remember, she’s in the ring, not backstage).  She demands the show get started immediately with a battle of the minorities:

 

Shelton Benjamin Vs. Yoshi Tatsu

 

Guess he’s new guy #1, because he got his own cheap-ass titantron to come out to.  Of course, since no one knows who the hell this guy is, the only thing heard is shitty oriental techno and crickets.  The audience laughs it up as Benjamin pulls out every Asian stereotype in the book (karate bows, crane pose, Godzilla references, you name it).  YAY RACISM!  Unfortunately, he does one karate bow too many, and catches a NASTY roundhouse kick to the face, which is the only move of the match.  Yep, that picked up the pin.

 

Winner:  Yoshi Tatsu

 

What Stood Out:  Yoshi’s music.  Also, I didn’t catch the location of tonight’s show, but apparently it’s in the middle of a Klan meeting, because DAMN Shelton was getting some noticeable laughs for making fun of the guy, simply because he was Japanese.

 

 

Before the break, another new guy struts backstage, as he’s got a talk show on ECW now.  His name’s Abraham Washington.  Now, I recall seeing a youtube video of the guy in FCW, and…he’s pretty funny.  However, he was doing a sort of Obama impression down there, which I don’t think would fly so well on national TV.  So, after a quick commercial break, let’s see what happens…

 

And this mess starts off with some pretty convincing late night talk show music.  Damn that dude’s shiny.  And black.  So of course, keeping with the racism theme tonight, he gets booed coming out.  Got a lynch rope and burning cross for you too, crowd.  So he comes out, giving a monologue on how Vince bought back Raw and such, and makes a crack about 12 Rounds which breaks up the WHAT? chants for a smattering of cheers.  Ah, everybody loves to hate on Cena.  So he brings out his guests – The Bellas.  Sigh.  Oh, and apparently ECW is Thursday at 7 next week.  So, let’s get this crime against humanity going!  Abraham asks questions to the twins, all the while heeling it up with the questions, only to quickly take it back when the bitches get bitchy.  So, fun facts, because you SO want to know.  Brie is younger by 16 minutes, Nikki got better grades in High School, and as they answer these questions, they get catty with each other.  Yes, because we wanted to see ANOTHER Bellas feud.  Man this is fucking horrible.  I take back what I said about this guy.  So, Brie kissed first, Nikki fucked first.  So find out which one’s Nikki…she’s easy.  So yeah, before they can come to blows, we’re out of time on this trainwreck.  Abraham tries to get in-between the two, but they just up and leave.  Well, that was a waste.  It had its moments, and I guess the Bellas need something to do…besides being fired.  BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE SUCH A BAD IDEA, OF COURSE. 

 

 

Sheamus Vs. Oliver John

 

Damn, they’re just shoveling these guys out here now.  Sheamus comes out to very much less gay Irish rock music (compared to Finlay/Hornswoggle), and gets on the microphone.  He announces how he’s going to conquer ECW, to the delight of no one in the crowd.  However, the guy’s appearance is such a random mess that I CAN’T LOOK AWAY.  Basically the guy is pale as snow (being Irish, I know that all too well), bright orange hair, a Guile from Street Fighter haircut, a Lemmy/Triple H ‘stache with a soul patch, and the old standby Irish/Celtic ring gear.  But yeah, nobody knows who the hell he is, so again, no dice on the reaction.

 

So yeah, the match.  To give you a healthy indication who’s winning this one, Oliver John didn’t get an entrance.  What he did get was tossed all the fuck over the ring, clubbed, beaten and choked.  Not exactly a mat technician, this guy is.  Striker tries to cover for the non-reaction from the crowd, saying they’re in AWE of Sheamus.  After a bicycle kick, he lands his finisher – a Rock Bottom turned into a backbreaker over the knee.  It gets a nice reaction from the crowd. 

 

Winner:  Sheamus

 

What Stood Out:  Sheamus’ look, and damn near lack of anything resembling a wrestling hold.  Well, the guy can hit hard, so that’s good.  Basically, he’s the new “monster” heel of the ECW.  Of course, given his complexion, the only monster he resembles would be a ghost…

 

 

TO THE BACK now, with Regal talking strategy with Kozlov for their match tonight.  Of course, because Kozlov is un-English, he talks slowly and retardedly.  Kozlov just looks at him with disdain, saying he’s got it, with a smirk, wink, and click.  The universal sign of dirty pervert.

 

 

CONTINUING TO BE IN THE BACK, ANOTHER new guy comes in to talk to Zack Ryder.  Tyler Rex, I think his name was.  Tan dude with dreadlocks.  The two guys talk beaches, and apparently he has a match on Superstars.  So, I just don’t care.  This transfers into a video recap of Raw, and seeing how I didn’t see the show, I guess I’ll base my reactions on this video.  Batista as temporary GM?  Eh, it works, since he’s allowed to flex his “being a dick” muscles quite well when he has authority.  This transfers to the main event, where Raw was just inserting the tip into ECW’s sphincter I would assume.  However, it seemed to work.  Orton made Bourne look good, Swagger got good heat for taking a dive, and Henry as a face?  And getting big-time cheers for it?  Sure, why not.  AGAIN TO THE BACK, as Dreamer and Christian talk about their match last Sunday, and how Christian returned to WWE in this arena.  Man, this arena gets all the historic episodes!  Where’s the love for Philly?  So yeah, the convo was done in a way that if Christian turns heel tonight, I’m not going to be surprised.  But, we’ll see.  COMMERCIAL!

 

 

Vladimir Kozlov and William Regal Vs. ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer and Christian

 

AGAIN, smilin’ Kozlov is in the ring, this time rolling in a Sambo Gi or I don’t know.  All I know is that it’s really fucking red, that clowns are telling him to tone it the fuck down.  Dreamer got some nice reactions as well (not as good as Christian), which is something to note for a guy that a month or two ago was losing like he was shitting.  Once a day, for those keeping track.

 

The announcers also try to sell that ECW didn’t get the shaft in the mini-draft (heh, that rhymed) as they try their damndest to put over Regal.  And, for what it’s worth, I learned a lot of new things about him.  It’s also readily apparent that Striker is a MASSIVE mark for Regal, because the whole time he’s in the ring, he DOES NOT STOP whipping out these facts about him.  So much so that they’re not even calling the match.  So that’s why I didn’t either.  Christian gets the upper hand and Regal tags out, and the good guys take turns wailing on Kozlov when he misses with his clotheslines and big boots galore.  Eventually, Dreamer hits a cross body and Christian sends Kozlov to the outside, but when he tries to come off the top rope, Regal is there to yell at him and stuff.  Apparently Brits scare the hell out of Christian, so he doesn’t jump, and the two teams stare at each other going into break.

 

Back from break, Dreamer AGAIN with the frightening facials, as Regal has him in a chinlock and he looks like a turtlehead’s poking.  Man, will I stop with the anal-related humor tonight?  Probably not.  Anyway, Dreamer soon gets the hot tag to Christian, who then wails on Regal for a few two counts.  However, Regal soon turns it around after snapping Christian’s arm off the top rope, and now it’s Kozlov’s turn to get in there.  So what does he do?  Knocks Christian down then goes for a rest hold, utilizing Christian’s arm.  Yawn.  Christian gets a few shots in here and there, but it’s pretty much all Kozlov/Regal for the next few minutes.  For the record, it’s good stuff.  Regal and Kozlov do pull off some nice basic arm maneuvers, and Christian sells like a champ.  While this is going on, keep in mind the only reason Kozlov’s down here on ECW was because of his ABYSMAL match with HHH on that one PPV.  Just keep in mind, there were two wrestlers in that match.  Not saying it was all HHH’s fault, but hey, Kozlov’s looking good here.  Anyway, Christian gets the hot tag to Dreamer, who goes to town on Kozlov while Regal and Christian tangle on the outside.  That scuffle gets ended when Regal whips Christian into the steps, and blind tags in.  Dreamer eventually shoulder charges into the steel post, and Regal hilariously struggles to get fatty Dreamer up for an exploder suplex.  Because he can, Kozlov blind tags in himself, hitting a battered Dreamer with the MOBH for the win.

 

Winner:  Vladimir Kozlov and William Regal

 

What Stood Out:  The skills of the foreigners in the match.  Kozlov actually looked pretty good out there, and Regal was getting some good heat (I heard a big time “REGAL SUCKS” chant going when he was working on Christian).  In addition to that, MAN Dreamer got housed, eh?  When the heels are arguing on who gets to finish you off, you’re a weak champ.  I mean, it IS Dreamer.  On the other hand, he did look pretty good before the finish, for the credibility sticklers out there.

 

After the match, Regal makes me laugh as he throws a little temper tantrum behind Kozlov’s back as they have an extended celebration.  And I do mean extended.  For some reason, they congratulate each other for like 5 minutes it feels like.  Well, at least they shook things up in the main event scene.  And Kozlov’s GOOD?!  Who knew?  Not me, that’s for sure.  THE END.

 

 

Uppers:  Well of course, the general concept of new guys getting on the show does in fact please me.  Good main event too.  Regal, basically around when he won the King of the Ring tournament last year, has become such a badass in the ring that I am really digging his style.  That style, of course, is stiffing the fuck out of people and busting out moves that look like he’ll legitimately cripple someone any day now.  Kozlov actually looked pretty good out there too.  Now, I won’t be throwing him into any PPV matches anytime soon, but improvement should be commended.  But maybe it was just who he was working against, basically proving that Tommy Dreamer and Christian are both better at wrestling than HHH.  That’s an argument I can get behind.

 

Downers:  While I get why, wrestling took a backseat tonight.  The opener was done in one move, and the middle match was a basic squash.  In addition to that, Abraham Washington failed to impress in his first opening.  Now I won’t jump on the guy immediately, but that segment DIED.  HORRIBLY.  Though, I guess you can only do so much when you’re trying to do a promo with two charisma vacuums like the Bellas. 

 

Overall:  Not quite a good show, but good for building for the future.  If that makes any sense, that makes one of us.  Oh, and that arena was racist as hell.

 

Soooo…yay for new guys!  Build ‘em up, before SD and Raw swoop in to rob ECW blind again!  Next week, people.

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