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TRANSFORMERS
THE MOVIE
(1986)
[The following review contains no scenes of "Blurr". Deal with it.]
 
So, ya, I went and saw Michael Bay's Transformers on opening day, and this may come off as a shock to many-- especially those G1 (Generation-1) fans who are diligently creating a homemade pipe-bomb as we speak for Mr. Bay for destroying their childhoods-- but I actually liked it. And even more so than that, kind of loved it. Seriously. And why not? Undiagnosed Insanity? Maybe. I however still got what I wanted out of it, and was just thankful that the whole thing didn't culminate with a slew of filthy-dirty miners trying to land on a hurdling in-space Megatron. It's all you can ask for really.
 
*Although*, if I wanted to be picky, I guess I could mention that it did have several other Bay trademarks, however (except for the usual sucking part). You know, stuff like interchangeable comic relief characters that serve no real storyline purpose other than to make you laugh--despite the fact they're doing all these Hi-larious absurdities amidst the possible end of the world. Ya, possible world dominion by giant talking bloodthirsty alien robots is definitely the best time to be sarcastic and try out new material. Good thinking. But hey, that stuff quickly gets lost in the shuffle, 'cause, holy shit, transforming robots~! 
 
Before we continue, however, I'd be remiss if I didn't also mention that this Megan Fox is an attractive young lady as well. Although, in my defense I only masturbated once to her. The usher said something about it being "inappropriate in a Theater", and "illegal" and that " the Authorities had been called". I don't get it either. And yes fans of unattainable teenaged trim, there's no shortage of gratuitous shots of her bending over either. So like Kudos to Bay there. That's one definite edge this movie had over the entire Transformers TV series. Because try as I must, I just don't remember ever wanting to fire one off in their  cervix, Galvatron-style. Score 1 for Transformers 2007. And then one more for not violating one-self to animation. (I  learned my lesson in the late 80's when I was never allowed back to see Little Mermaid again).
 
That all said, today, we're actually here to talk about the *original* full-length feature Transformers film. And I have an admission to make: I still and have always LOVED the Transformers. From the first day I got my Starscream action figure for my Birthday in 1985, then subsequently lost his tiny detachable blue fists in the park three hours later, me and amputee Starscream were inseparable. And little has changed. I'm still obsessed with Transformers to a large degree. And when you take into consideration my other obsession is PRO WRESTLING, I think it's safe to say I'll be leaving this mortal coil one day without an heir. But hey, maybe that's because I always insist on using Sound Wave-esque sound-bites during love-making. "Semen eject! Operation: IMPREGNATION!". Ah well, I thought it was funny at the time. What can you do? Not equate the most tender of acts with unloading a transforming cassette into your girlfriends' nether-regions? Perhaps.
 
Anyway, to get a full grasp on the phenomenon that was Transformers, you have to travel back with me to 1984. I'll bring the jacket with 75 zipper pockets.
 
Ah, 1984. A time when cartoons weren't completely saturated with faggoty-assed Japanime teddy bears that shoot lightning and making baby noises. Dear god. If I ever walked in my kid emulating the Pokemon cartoon, I'm afraid I'd have to beat them down fucking Demolition Ax-style, just on principle. That said, this was a great time to be a kid, although probably a pretty shitty time to be a parent --because sometime in 1984, the people at Hasbro figured out that a pretty good way to bilk an entire generation of mullet-headed children out of their parents hard-earned money would be to create cartoons that would subtly double as 30-minute toy commercials. It was a pretty good plan, as I vividly remember begging my Father for my very own Optimus Prime toy. Unfortunately though, that was last weekend. I think he may have lost all respect for me. But hey, IT TURNS FROM TRUCK TO ROBOT as if in disguise~!
 
Anyway, the year is now 1986, and after two full seasons (with the 2nd season going over 80 episodes) of the cartoon series that aired everyday after school, news soon came down the wire (attached to two biodegradable plastic cups) that they were now making a full-length movie. I was stoked. After all, my ultimate life goal at 8 years old was to somehow figure out how I myself could become a Transformer. A goal that I eventually reached in adulthood. Unfortunately, that  transformation was from a polite well-mannered young man with a bright future...to whatever it is I am today. Transformation complete~!
 
Ya, so, that takes us to  the release of Transformers: The Movie. Now, I'll walk you through some more nuances of the Transformers and their mythos as we go along, but there's a few things you should know before going into this, and especially if you've never seen the Transformers. And if this is true, Dear god, man. Maybe stop throwing gay-assed Wii fastballs in your parents living room and hit the video store sometime, you lazy bastard. If they even still have them. I steal everything I have online. So like, watch it, but don't be like me. Or something.
 
Anyway, those *IMPORTANT* things to remember are: The heroes are called the "Autobots" and are led by Optimus Prime, a heroic and benevolent leader that transforms into a red transport truck. And their adversaries are the evil Decepticons. As if the name Decepticons didn't hammer that fact home. They are in turn led by the evil Megatron. A megalomaniacal robot that transforms into a Walther P38 handgun at a time where Junior could carry such a symbol without being inducted into the bloods are shot by 60 police officers. Megatron also the world's only asthmatic robot. Just listen to him. Thankfully, the animators excluded the parts where he had to go awkwardly cough in the corner of the room whilst everyone else had to carry on filling Energon cubes and pretend not to notice.
 
Oh, and there's one other thing: NEVER SAY THE WORD GOBOTS IN FRONT OF A TRANSFORMERS FAN. GoBots are an abomination. And to make a parable you can relate to, the GoBots were the " Carnosaur" to The Transformers "Jurassic Park". Seriously. Comparing the two is definitely fighting words. And if anyone who watched cartoons well into their 30's could actually fight or even leave their sofas on their own power,  the shit would be on, yo. I'm telling you. --whilst sitting comfortably for health reasons.
 
Let's get to the movie!
 
We open up with a shot of the movie's main antagonist, Unicron (played by Orson Welles, who was about the size of a planet himself by the time this was filmed so it wasn't exactly going against type.). Unicron, is of course a large bulbous mass that destroys everything it touches and devours everything in its path.  Hey! Just like Stephanie McMahon! We then cut to a planet, populated by robots, laughing, eating(?) and just generally enjoying their peaceful lives. It's at this point I noticed when I was a child that these robots had mustaches, and wondered just how in the fuck that was even possible. Just then, Unicron approaches the planet, and things begin to rumble and shake. One of the robots yelled out, "It's Unicron!" in shock, which always makes me laugh, because if you know his name, you'd know the fucker is a galactic planet eater who kind of does this shit on a regular basis. How did you not see this coming? Anyway, as expected, Unicron attacks the planet and devours it entirely. And by "devour", I mean he sucks the entire thing into what appears to by a giant sphincter. In fact, the whole scene kind of plays out like watching someone have a shit in reverse. After Unicron finishes his meal, he then goes back to aimlessly float through space. I can't say I blame him. That's pretty much my M.O. after consuming a huge meal. Except by "space" I mean "living room" and by float I mean "just sit there without pants". You get the picture.
 
CUE THE OPENING CREDITS~! YES. The Transformers theme gets the hair metal treatment by the band Lion. It's Autonomous robots and skinny dudes with giant white bouffant hairdo's and pleather pants, working together in perfect harmony! It's awesome and relevant.
 
Now back to the action; we hear the familiar Transformers voiceover. We're told it's the year 2005 and the Decepticons have taken back their home planet of Cybertron. You see, this is significant because the entire plot of the cartoons was Megatron and company attempting to accomplish this very feat by collecting as much energy from Earth as possible. Wait. An evil group of war-mongering liars whose soul purpose is to go and drain various countries of their rich fuels for their own nefarious use? A dude could really run a presidential term around something like that! Megatron in 2000~! Ahem.
 
Anyway, we see Laserbeak, one of Soundwave's "spies" that transformed from a Cassette into whatever fucking kind of bird he was supposed to be. He records Optimus Prime saying that they will soon strike back at the Decepticons from their secret bases on the Planets "Moonbase 1" and "Moonbase 2". Huh. Like you even needed fucking Laserbeak to "crack" that Da Vinci code. The planets are named MOON BASE 1 & 2 . Dear God, Optimus! Get your decidedly disproportioned head in the game! All they needed was an Austin Powers-esque map that said "secret underground lair", and the hat trick of stupidity would be complete.
 
Anyway, Laserbeak flies back to tell Megatron of the plan, who then decides an ambush is in order, as Iron Hide, Brawn, Ratchet and Prowl are instructed to board a ship to head to earth first to get the supplies needed to get r' done. We then see Iron Hide transform into a CUBE VAN and roll out toward the ship (in what would be his last mission). And yes, Iron Hide-- still in the fucking year 2005-- has kept a cube van as his alternate mode. I guess no one ever had the heart to tell him that only Rapists drive those now...
 
Anyway, while Earth-bound, the shuttle is ambushed by Megatron, Starscream and several other Decepticons, and the crew is subsequently murdered..yes MURDERED...IN A KIDS MOVIE...by Starscream who catches a transformed Megatron in gun-mode and unloads some heavy fire into our heroes. And speaking of Megatron in gun mode, the guy--despite how completely kick ass he is-- really is useless when you get down to it; because he requires someone to always catch his ass when he transforms. Otherwise he'd just hit the fucking ground, wouldn't he? That's probably the reason why there was never a transforming Grenade. And speaking of which, I always wondered how it is that human beings would be able to also wield Megatron (and Soundwave as well in Tape deck mode) when he weighs like 40 tons in Robot mode. And yes, this type of shit went through my mind at 9. It's no wonder I turned into the overwrought critical imbecile I am today.
 
After the slaughter, in typical villain fashion, Megatron speaks aloud their intentions to ambush Earth in this very ship and destroy the Autobots. We then hear a still functional Iron Hide, bellow "noooooo!" with his last gasp, as Megatron presumably blows his head off at point-blank range with his arm-cannon...as children likely started blubbering around the world, and parents wondered just what in the fuck was going on. I myself, was also upset, but then remembered that their shitty toy version of Iron Hide never had a head, and was convinced this would somehow play a part later in the film. It didn't. They just murdered like 1/3rd of the original toy-line in like 30 seconds. Gee, I hope they have some new ones to replace these guys with at Christmas!!!!! Ahem.
 
We now cut to Earth, where we see Hot Rod-- a reckless young Autobot, voiced by Judd Nelson, who was last seen having a sexually tense friendship with Molly Ringwald-- fishing with Daniel Witwicky, the son of the TV show's then-teenaged protagonist, Spike. There is no mention of his grandfather and other show regular "Spark Plug", so I guess that means the guy is dead. I wonder if they buried him in his fucking hard hat? Because I'll be damned if I ever remember a scene where he wasn't wearing it. Despite the motherfucker never being anywhere near a construction site. The two then spot the Autobot shuttle approaching and the two race up to the top of "lookout mountain" to get a better look. And since it's the "future", I'd be remiss if I failed to mention that Daniel is of course wearing a one piece monogrammed bodysuit. Huh. I remember 2005, I don't remember these things. But seriously, why is it that every depiction of the future involves every person wearing identical skin-tight bodysuits? And oh ya, there's never ANY fat people. You know, the actual complete opposite of the real 2005...
 
It's at this point that Hot Rod spots Starscream looking out of the damaged hull of the ship as it looks to land and warns the Autobots of the impending assault. From there, a full on battle takes place, and Blaster (who is the Autobot version of Soundwave) sends a distress signal to Optimus, while he battles Soundwave, and while their respective cassettes war as well. And speaking of Soundwave, you got to respect the motherfucker for sticking with a Tape-deck in the year 2005. You just know his big blue ass has seen a CD player in the last ten years. But noooooooooo. Jesus, he's as bad as those assholes that'll have you believe vinyl records sound better than CDs.
 
Anyway, things are not looking good for the Autobots as Devastator (the robot combination of all 5 Constructions) wreaks havoc on Autobot city, until the combined efforts of new faces (Springer, Arcee, Ultra Magnus, Kup and Hot Rod) all get Autobot City's defense system functional. Just then Optimus Prime and the Dinobots arrive, and Optimus single-handedly opens a can of whoop ass on all the Deceptions, kicking every single one of their metal asses in short order to the sound of uber 80's power ballad "The Touch". In fact, just listening to this song may compel you to perm and feather your hair, and wear a acid-wash denim jacket with a logo hand-drawn on the back in indelible magic marker. You've been warned. This of course leads to the big Optimus/Megatron showdown we've all been waiting for. "One shall stand. One shall fall" says Optimus. I myself always wanted to use this line amidst a fight, but sadly, most people don't wait until I finish saying it before punching me in the face and knocking me out. Maybe one day.
 
The two then do battle in spectacular fashion, and eventually Optimus triumphs, pulverizing Megs into a cowering mess who now begs for his life. However, Megatron is just buying time until he can grab a lone gun laying on the ground. Hot Rod spots this trick however, and of course he naively jumps at Megatron, in essence blocking Optimus from delivering the death blow. This gives Megatron the chance to grab said gun, and plug Optimus like 5 or 6 times. Jesus. See, this is why you can never have any use for teenagers. They're always in the way when you want to incinerate your 60 foot sentient robotic nemesis. Plus they never clean up after themselves.
 
That said, Megatron approaches Optimus, to finish him off, but Optimus has enough energy left to deliver the fucking POLISH HAMMER~! to Megs and mortally wound him as well. The Decepticons then retreat as Megatron's carcass is dragged off by Soundwave. We then cut to a scene of Optimus on his death bed. Wait. Death bed? Jesus Christ, I've seen him take a hell of a lot worse damage in the cartoon and still be back as good as new. Of course, this was before they killed Ratchet, the one dude who always pulled him through. All they have left now is Perceptor. Cybertron's first openly homosexual Scientist.  Actually, I don't know if he's actually gay. But his voice  and mannerisms ain't exactly bettering his cause. (Although, it'd be a good choice for him. A world where there's a male/female robot ratio of 10,000:1 betters his scoring odds. I mean, there's got to be a *real* reason for that giant phallic telescope in robot mode! AHEM.). 
 
In any event, we're told by Perceptor that Optimus's wounds are fatal, and there's nothing he can do. Nothing except secretly masturbate to the brawny Ultra Magnus when no one's looking. They must have cut that part out of your version. Optimus then calls for Ultra Magnus, a robot that is surprisingly similar to Optimus in stature. In fact, in toy form, he was IDENTICAL, except he was painted white and came with a little fake head to disguise the fact that THIS WAS JUST AN ALBINO OPITMUS and Dad paid 30 dollars for something he could have just created in the Garage. Those who lived through GI Joe's abhorrent rip off known as "Tiger Force" will understand my disdain for re-tooled toys. We then find out that Magnus is an "old friend" of Optmus's. A friend *so close* in fact that this is the first time in 4 million years they've even mentioned the fucker. Optimus then says that it's to him he passes the Matrix of leadership. Yes, The Matrix. And before you ask, this was indeed YEARS before THAT Matrix. In fact, The Wachowski brothers were still jerking off to their Uhura posters (or secretly wishing they were Uhura) in high school while Keanu Reeves had not even contemplated taking the red pill, and instead was about to travel the known continuum in a phone booth with Bill S. Preston esquire and George Carlin. So ya, no lawsuits here. WOAH.
 
 Optimus soon ejects the Matrix from his chest and gives it to Magnus, whose first order of business is to drop the fucking thing. Ya, you picked the right choice there, Prime. Thankfully, Hot Rod catches the Matrix, which seems to glow in his hands as if this will play a part in the movie or something, then hands it to Magnus, who puts it in his own chest. Optimus then DIES. Seriously. They killed off the hero of the movie inside the first 20 minutes. To say this was devastating to kids would be an understatement. In fact, I'd dare say this was one of the biggest blunderfucks in movie history. And as far as kids go, this would be akin to someone sneaking up behind Santa and cutting the motherfucker from ear to ear Commando-style (and trust me, I've been banned from enough Malls at X-mas time to know how traumatic that is for them.).
 
We now cut to all the Decepticons aboard Astrotrain, who by the way has about fifteen 40 foot robots inside him, despite only standing 40 feet himself. It's just then I realize I'm looking for sense in a movie about million year old talking robots and subsequently shut the fuck up. Just then, Astrotrain demands they lighten their load or risk not getting back to Cybertron. It's at this point that Starscream takes the opportunity to FINALLY dispose of Megatron, and throws him out the side shuttle door along with the damaged Skywarp, Thundercracker & the Insecticons. To all the long-term fans of the Transformers, this was a longtime coming as Starscream was one of the all time great "tweener" characters. Evil, but so charismatic you often found yourself pulling for him. Like me. Minus the Charisma part. Starscream then nominates himself as their new leader, and all the Decepticons fight amongst themselves.
 
We then see Megatron and his damaged troops floating lifelessly through space when they run into Unicron. Yes, they run into a mobile planet. HOW IS THAT NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THIS GUY?Unicron strikes up a deal with the mortally wounded Megatron. In exchange for a new body, and a cure for his pesky allergies, Megatron must destroy the Matrix of leadership...the only thing that can stop him. You know, on second glance, that part probably wasn't the smartest thing to mention. Who knew that Unicron was one huge million foot tall Bond villain? Megatron reluctantly agrees, and is transformed into GALVATRON. A futuristic Laser cannon. He then changes the Insecticons and Thundercracker into Scourge and the Sweeps, and Skywarp into his new 2nd in command, Cyclonus. He also gives them a ship, and once again demands that they destroy the Matrix of leadership. Just then Galvatron speaks, and gone is Frank Welker's asthmatic voice, which is now replaced with Mr. Spock's himself, Leonard Nimoy. Too bad, too. I was really hoping Unicron would have rebuilt Thundercracker into a giant transforming inhaler for him. Oh well.
 
Soon after, we cut to Starscream's coronation as leader of the Decepticons, when Galvatron crashes the party and incinerates Starscream on the spot. NOOOOOOO! Dear God, here's an idea, Hasbro. How about just giving these guys new looks? That way you can still move all those fucking toys without decimating every single character. Good thing Hasbro wasn't behind say, E.T. Not only would the poor bastard not have survived, but the FBI agents would have dragged him outside, put the boots to him, set him on fire, then fucked him with his own glowing index finger.
 
That said, Galvatron looks to set out on his own agenda from there, but suddenly BRIGHT RED LINES OF LIGHT~! appear and he's bombarded by the presence of his maker Unicron, and compelled to continue on his Matrix-destroying mission. Damn right. The only way I'm ever becoming a parent is if I can somehow possess this same ability. I mean, really. What's the point of bringing life into this world if you can't bombard them with red lines of psychic fury and manipulate them into doing your exact bidding through excruciating mind torture? Exactly.
 
In the meantime, Unicron decides he's hungry again and consumes both the Autobots moonbases, while Jazz, the only other African American Autobot (besides Blaster) warns Earth about the impending threat. For the record, Jazz was voiced by the late Scatman Crothers, who let's face it, really had no choice but to talk jivey after his Mother named him Scatman. Nice of his parents to map out his entire future for him like that.
 
Scatman: "But I really wanted to be a doctor!"
Mom & Dad: "That's not how you do, Scatman. Now dance fah us."
 
All kidding said, this scene is notorious for one reason, and it's that after Bumblebee and Spike try to blow up Unicron to no avail, Spike utters the word "shit!"-- a real taboo at the time for Children's movies. But I really don't know why. Imagine how much infinitely cooler Children's movies would be with expletives...
 
Fairy Godmother: "BIPPITY BOPPITY BOO!"
Cinderella: "Fuck you."
(Hey, I never said it be clever, just AWESOME.).
 
In any event, Unicron easily devours both moons, and swallows Bumblebee and Spike's ship as it tries to escape. Back on Earth, Ultra Magnus, the new leader of the Autobots, and presumably not a brand of extra durable condoms, plans his strategy. Just then, Galvatron returns to Earth and opens fire on the Autobots. The remaining Autobots split up, as Hot Rod, Kup, and the Dinobots take one ship, while Magnus, Springer, Daniel and Arcee, the only female Autobot take the other. Ah, poor Arcee. Imagine being the only female of their species. She's got to be their equivalent of Smurfette.You just know every Autobot uses her as their own personal cock-puppet. It's just too bad Iron Hide's dead, because the visual of him bending her over Teletran 1 yelling out "Leakin' Lubricants!" during climax would be the greatest moment in Transformers history.  You know, once you get past all the taboos and lifelong psychological trauma robot porn would bring up. But hey, if you can get past the fact that Megatron's trigger is located where his cock would be, and accept the fact that every time you're firing off a round, so is he, it makes the whole sordid issue easier to handle. Penis.
 
From there, Galvatron gives chase to Magnus's ship, and eventually on the other, accidentally, the Dinobots, Hot Rod and Kup crash land on the planet Quintessa. For the record, Kup is portrayed as an elderly Autobot. How he shows HIS age, and the others don't is beyond me. I mean, they've already established that most of the Autobots and Decepticons were in stasis for at least 3 million years on earth, so how long is it before a fucking robot starts looking old? But all that aside, the irony of an old robot is hilarious. After all, in real life, the elderly are TERRIFIED of technology, and can't even bring themselves to program their fucking VCRs, so imagine them ACTUALLY BEING technology? It boggles the mind.
 
That said, Hot Rod and Kup end up underwater, where Kup is disabled by a giant robot squid, so Hot Rod fights his way through and somehow gets Kup out of the mess before repairing him. But of course, seeing how Kup is elderly he doesn't appreciate it. And in reality, let's be honest, Kup would have A HELL OF A LOT MORE jobs for Hot Rod to do than that before he'd EVER let him get on his way. Anyone with annoying grandparents knows exactly what I'm talking about. "Ya, while you're down there soldering my arm, lad, how about taking the trash out, too? And after that, I got these boxes in my basement. If you could just move those...".
 
We then cut to Ultra Magnus and crew landing on the Planet of Junk. And they mean it literally. All they needed to hammer it home was old Fred Sanford waddling out. Wuh, wuh wuh wuh wah wah wuh, wuh wuh wuh wah wah wawawa! In any event, The Autobots and Daniel, who has been suited with his dad's old "exo-suit" (which as well remember were completely commonplace in 2005) exit the ship and help themselves to the junk, which angers the planets inhabitants, the Junkions-- a race of robots who like their robotic counterparts at the beginning of the film also possesses robot mustaches. And oh ya, they speak entirely in TV catchphrases, led by Wreck-gar, voiced by Monty Python's Eric Idle.
 
Anyway, back to Hot Rod & Kup. Despite escaping the underwater pitfalls earlier, They soon run into the Sharkticons. Kup tries the universal greeting of "BAH-WEEP-GRAAAAANAW-WEEP NEENEE BONG", a language reputably invented by this man. Unfortunately, it doesn't work, and soon the duo find themselves captured, which of course Kup probably somehow blames on Hot Rod. But hey, call me crazy, but I bet under that harsh exterior lies a heart of gold~!!!
 
Soon after, Hot Rod & Kup find themselves imprisoned, along side a cell containing the sole survivor of the world seen devoured during the film's opening by Unicron. And of course, he fills in our heroes on the peril's of Unicron, before being immediately sentenced for execution after serving his purpose. The only thing that would have made it better is if he yelled out "I had only one more day until retirement!" before being dropped into the Sharkticon tank, just to, you know, hammer home those movie clichés a little bit more.
 
We now cut back to the Planet of Junk where the Autobots repair their shuttle. Man, it's a good thing they spontaneously landed on a planet that just happened to have every single part they were looking for. And yes, this does happen ALL THE TIME. Just the other day, I was dropped off in the middle of the woods, and there I found all the parts needed to repair by broken Xbox. I guess I was just lucky. That said, things get bad pretty quick when Galvatron and his troops attack. And in retaliation, Magnus TRIES TO OPEN THE MATRIX OF LEADERSHIP. For this. Seriously. Didn't Prime tell your big ass earlier that it was only to be used to 'light your darkest hour'? (I insist it's engraved with "Caution: Only open during Darkest Hour. -Thanks. Optimus.").
 
Seriously, Magnus, an attack from about 6 Decepticons is your darkest hour? This shit happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Clearly, Prime picked the right man for the job. Anyway, as expected, The Matrix's opinion of darkest hour and Magnus's obviously differ, and Magnus is unable to get the thing opened, and as a result the Sweeps reign laser fire upon him that causes him to EXPLODE. Explode into perfectly symmetrical little pieces mind you, that call me crazy, just might be able to be neatly re-assembled in about 10 minutes. Lucky him. But hey, irregardless, that had to suck. It's definitely been a bad day to be a giant Matrix-harboring Transport truck, that's for sure.
 
With that Galvatron takes possession of the Matrix, and decides to double cross Unicron with it. "With this I shall make you my slave!" says Galvy. "Noooooooooooooo!" says Unicron in the depths of space. Dear God, Unicron; you didn't see this coming? YOU TOLD HIM IN EXPLICIT DETAIL THAT IT WAS THE ONLY THING THAT COULD STOP YOU. What did I say about Unicron being the world's biggest Bond Villain? Hell, we even saw sharks with laserbeams! Holy shit.
 
From there, Hot Rod and Kup are now brought before the tribunal of Quintessons. A race of creatures whom apparently have nothing better to do with their time than to try and execute every asshole who rolls through town. Anyway, as for the Quintessons themselves, we are eventually told during the 3rd season that they actually created the Transformers. Just how giant fucking eggs with only tentacles for hands could create intricate machinery is anyone's guess. Anyway, the Quintessons, have five faces, hence the Quint part, and all five find Kup & Hot Rod innocent...then summarily sentence them to death anyway, and drop them into the shark pit. Finally, a justice system I can get behind! You can't tell me a Sharkticon pit wouldn't have came in pretty fucking handy during Paris Hilton's trial. Hell, they're probably the only things that haven't eaten Paris Hilton these days.
 
Once in the tank, the duo fight their way through underwater, and decide the best course of action is to drive in circles until the water creates a whirlpool and they can drive right out, physics be damned. Clearly had Ted Kennedy thought of this scenario at Chappaquiddick, he'd probably be President right now. Ahem.
 
Once on dry land, Kup and Hot Rod fight off the multitude of Sharkticons, but look overmatched, but never fear, because here comes the Dinobots and their new friend "Wheelie" (whom I purposely didn't mention earlier) to make the big save! And you might be asking yourself, "Who the fuck is Wheelie?" to which I'll answer "Exactly." You see, Wheelie, is an annoying androgynous funboy who speaks in rhymes and gets to live while the other Autobots who paid their dues get annihilated. It's a cruel world where a guy like Iron Hide gets his head blown off, but fucking Elmo in car form gets to live. That said, The Sharkticons look to attack, but are ultimately intimidated by Grimlock (the T-Rex leader of the Dinobots). He then tells them to instead just turn on the Quintessons, which they do. Huh. A group of slow-witted shapeless people who'll seemingly do pretty much exactly what they're told? Maybe the Sharkticons are wrestling fans? Could be?
 
From there, Hot Rod, Kup, The Dinobots & Wheelie look for an escape. Wheelie points out a large cork-screw shaped ship, and suggests they take that, thus rising his stock from "completely useless and deserves to be incinerated" to just "deserves to be incinerated". The Autobots then steal the cork-screw ship and set a course for the Planet of Junk. And speaking of Cork-screw ships, I always imagined this would be the shuttle Jake Roberts would use if he ever was an Astronaut. After all, if the cork-screw is that big, imagine the size of the bottle of wine! Maybe I just wanted to use that joke, sue me.
 
Meanwhile on Planet of Junk, The Junkions come out of the wood work (junk-work?) and a battle ensues between them and the Autobots to Weird Al music. It's true. And a more intimidating battle Anthem I cannot think of. However, in the midst of the battle, here comes Hot Rod and company to break up the party, as he offers Wreck-Gar a peace offering of Energon, while spouting the Universal greeting--and this time it works! Then, for some strange reason, a full-on Gay robotic hoe-down takes place, and everyone starts line dancing. Seriously. Hell, Wheelie even explores his burgeoning sexuality and kisses Grimlock. What the fuck? There's dancing, hugging, groping and loving! And this all goes on despite the fact that their interim leader Ultra Magnus lay in a smoldering heap like 5 feet away from them, and their sacred vessel, the Matrix is in the hands of the enemy. Why everyone chose THIS exact moment to explore their cybernetic bi-curiousness, I have no idea. In any event, they do all stop soon after, and realize, "Umm, ya, I guess we better do something about dead Ultra Magnus here", before likely throwing one in Arcee just to regain their masculinity. The Junkions then reveal that they can fix Magnus up as good as new, which is exactly what they do, and like 25 seconds later he's reassembled and fully functional! Which of course leads to the question of WHY DID OPTIMUS PRIME DIE FROM 6 SHOTS, YET MAGNUS EXPLODES AND CAN BE RETURNED AS GOOD AS NEW? Someone get back to Earth already and get fucking Optimus' corpse, and bring it there. It's a much better option then sticking with the dude who got blown up like 5 minutes into his leadership term. In any event, The Autobots now set out to reclaim the Matrix, and are now joined by the Junkions who take their own ship.
 
Meanwhile, Galvatron returns to Unicron, wearing the Matrix around his neck like a blinged out necklace. YEAHHHHHH BOYYYYYYYY. GALVA GALV is the one that makes to mos' money! Galvatron then reveals again his intentions to make Unicron his slave, but Unicron's answer is to transform into his full robot form...SLOWLY. Oh so tediously slowly. In fact, I think an old man putting on his knee-high socks after getting out of the pool at Seniors swim moves at a faster pace. But he is imposing. As the look of complete and utter horror on Galvatron's face tells the story. A look not seen since I walked in on my friend Jason's mom nude once. From there, Unicron reveals that his intention is to destroy Cybertron, which upsets Galvatron to no end! "Destroy Cybertron? THAT'S WHERE I KEEP ALL MY STUFF!" Ok, he didn't say that, but he should have. In the meantime, Unicron decides to just swallow Galvatron, and the remaining Decepticons open fire on him, which he easily shakes off. Soon after, The Autobots and Junkions arrive and join in on the fight, as Unicron begins stomping and smashing at Cybertron. Hot Rod, driving the corkscrew manages to steer the ship towards Unicron's face and eventually drives it right through Unicron's eye! Man, you'd think Unicron would have an eye made of something a little more durable then glass, but what do I know? Now the poor bastard is blind. Although, the visual of a million foot tall robot with sunglasses and cane and a cup of pencils is pretty hilarious.
 
Now inside Unicron, Hot Rod falls down a passage, while Arcee, Kup, Springer and Daniel fall down another. It's there that they fight off tentacles with buzz-saws and the like inside Unicron's digestive system. What, you don't have buzz-saws in your stomach? Well, they're there. You just need the right microscope to see them. Clearly. While they're fighting that off, Hot Rod ends up in a darkened part of Unicron's stomach where he sees Galvatron and the Matrix. Galvy looks like he's ready to cut a deal, but once again, RED LINES OF FURY compel Galvatron to still do Unicron's bidding.  And since it was the 80's, I was hoping they'd have cued up a special redux of the Police's Roxanne just for this scene. UNICRONNNNNNNNNN! YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THE RED LIGHT!...
 
With that, Galvatron overwhelms Hot Rod, and grabs him around the neck and begins to strangle him to death...you know, despite the fact Hot Rod possesses no throat and doesn't breath air. But hey, it's the thought that counts.
 
Meanwhile, back to Kup & the Gang in the stomach. They continue fight off more of the stomach's defense system. Somewhere in all the chaos, though, a laser blast goes astray and blows a hole in the wall, and everything floods with water. Completely inexplicable water. It's just then I get the visual of Unicron earlier in the day filling a giant paper cup at one of those office water jugs. Anyway, in the chaos, Daniel is separated from the pack and somehow finds his way into a room, where a hanging conveyer belt is dropping random robots into a vat of acid. He then spots his Dad, Jazz and Bumblebee in line to be dropped, and Spike begs Daniel to close the lid. It's at this point, *I* would have bartered to get some new shit out of the old man before even contemplating following his instructions, but hey, I'm a "bad person" as people like to say. Long story short, Daniel manages to close the lid and everyone is safe! Even Jazz! This movie has created a new precedent: BOTH Black characters LIVE. What a wonderful tool this movie is when it comes to race relations. Well, except for that whole complete racial stereotyping thing.
 
Meanwhile, back to Hot Rod/Galvatron; somehow, in his last dying gasp, Hot Rod grabs the Matrix. Cue Stan Bush, You've got the Touch! You've got the Power! And with that, Hot Rod grows a swank mustache and cuts the sleeves of his denim jacket..err, I mean, he becomes RODIMUS PRIME. Just then I get the visual of all the previous Prime's laughing hysterically inside the Matrix. "Haha "Rodimus". And the fuck is actually going along with it! Sucker!".
 
Anyway, with his transformation, Rodimus grows triple his size and bench presses Galvatron over his head and tosses him through Unicron's stomach and into space. Funny, I've tripled in size, and I possess no unique changes, other than maybe a heart murmur. Why is he so special? Hot Rod then opens the Matrix saying "now light our darkest hour!" as Unicron begins to react violently to the energy bursting through his vital umm, organs. All the Autobots then transform and drive out, even Daniel, who somehow transforms in his exo-suit, without breaking every bone in body. It's there we get to see Rodimus's new alternate mode... a fucking WINNEBAGO. Seriously. Perfect for going on a weekend camping trip? Definitely. Leading the Autobots into intergalactic war? Umm, not so much. At this point as well, I should mention that Kup, as predicted earlier, is now incredibly proud of Rodimus. "I knew you had it in you, lad" he says, before eventually muttering : "Now could you go into the backyard and tighten the bolt on my hose, it's been leaking. And while you're there could you maybe carry those sacks of soil for my garden to the front? Thanks, lad."
 
With that they all drive out the other undamaged eye of Unicron, which now makes him utterly useless, but does open up some great new possibilities in soul music for him. Hell, Stevie Wonder can't eat worlds, right? Unicron has the definite advantage! Unfortunately though, his burgeoning music career would have to wait, as he just explodes, but not before bellowing out "You cannot stop my destinnnnnyyyyyyyy!". But hey, how does he know that blowing up wasn't his destiny? Because if so, he accomplished that quite well. Roll that around in your mouth and see how it tastes.
 
Our closing scene is back on Cybertron where Rodimus Prime gives an inspiring speech to the troops as the new leader of the Autobots. Wait. Why is HE leader? What, because he opened the Matrix when no one else could? If I was an Autobot, I wouldn't let this King Arthur shit fly. So much for seniority. I guess we know now that the Autobot's aren't unionized. Oh, ya, parting words: "The Cybertronian Wars are over!... Umm, until September when Season 3 starts, but hey, until then everything's hunky-dory! To All are one!". And hey, there's Unicron's head just left circling Cybertron. Nothing potentially dangerous about that! Ahem. Let's just let the fucking thing coast out there! What's the worst that could happen? The End.
 
Final Thoughts: This movie is awesome, and is better than you or anything you could ever accomplish. I wish I had two more arms so I could give them titties, err, I mean Transformers four thumbs up. That said, things kind of went down hill fast for the franchise soon after. Hasbro obviously realized that killing Optimus Prime was a mistake and resurrected the guy by the end of Season 3 (along with Starscream). And good thing too, because Rodimus ended up being HORRIBLE as leader. Basically he turned into one big whiny Emo mess. (Rodemo Prime?). In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Rodemo's story eventually ended with him sitting in a parking lot in Winnebago mode listening to Linkin Park on his computer stereo, muttering how "no one could ever understand his pain", while slowly cutting his gas lines with a razor blade. Still though, THUMBS WAY UP.
 
 

I’m Sean.

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).