Tissue-Paper and Crime Scene Photos
By Martin Ferguson
Well, there were problems with writing Jobbers of New England (read: writer’s block), so instead you get this here filler column and get that next week.
Let’s cut to the chase. Everyone says that wrestling promoters have run out of ideas, but I disagree. After all, if that were the case, I wouldn’t have come up with these four brilliant, completely original storyline ideas that would be sure to draw ratings and PPV buys. One or two people might actually go to a house show for once too.
Why four storylines, you ask? Simple: 1), I felt like it and, as I am the Lord Almighty to Trips’s King of Kings, everything I say and do is correct, and 2), the Funyuns in the Bag Ladder Match was a bit too brilliant. And on that note, I present...
The Top 4 Never-Before Tried Storylines
#4 a.k.a. The One Wherein People Parody 8-Bit Theater
This storyline will not be a feud; instead, it will be a storyline to start a brand new babyface stable. The storyline will kick off on an episode of Raw with Carlito on the Internet, Googling his own name (come on, if you were a celebrity you know you would... well, I do already, but that’s not the point...), when he stumbles across a website unseen by the viewer.
The next week, Carlito will be wearing a big straw hat and a blue robe to the ring for a match with the returning Chris Masters. Carlito will win the encounter, then earn Masters’ forgiveness (read: give him 20 bucks) to get him to join in forming the group. On the next edition of Raw, Masters will be wearing a red T-shirt and red leather pants while Carlito is still wearing the outfit from the week prior. They will come out and take down Cade & Murdoch with Carlito pinning Cade. After the match, Murdoch will get on the mike and swear that he’ll have his vengeance.
And vengeance he will have, as the next week Murdoch will introduce his new manager, Useless Michelle. Carlito & Masters will come down to the ring and Masters will lock in his Masterlock on Murdoch, which will be renamed to the Dungeons & Dragons. As Masters and Carlito beat down Murdoch to a huge ovation, two words will come over the speaker: Ooh Chavo! Down will come Smackdown’s Chavo Guerrero in his old Eddie Guerrero Is My Favorite Wrestler shirt, with a contract in hand. He will ask the two to sign it so that he can be a part of the group with them (which will strangely not cause either man to be suspicious since this has never happened before in any stable whatsoever), and they will do so before it is revealed that Chavo now leads the group, and they can only be free when he decides to allow them to leave.
The next week, the group will gain its final member in the most powerful, undefeatable man of all time, with the greatest spear/jackhammer combo ever... Gillberg! Gill will don a red outfit that would make the Godfather proud, complete with feathered hat, and add a red cape to complete the look. Now a tag team match will be made at the next pay-per-view with Chavo & Carlito against Cade & Murdoch w/ Mandice. Carlito & Chavo, now coming out to Tajiri’s original theme, will be billed as the Warriors of Light, and suddenly you have a brand new faction of four babyfaces on your hands!
#3 a.k.a. Undertaker Puts Somebody Over As A Legitimate Threat
Nah, now that I think about it, I doubt that one will happen.
#2 a.k.a. Judy Bagwell On A Cole
This storyline will require signing both Buff Bagwell and his mother, but will have a payoff that will surely shoot ratings through the roof!
On Raw, Buff and Judy will make their re-debut when Buff takes on Shelton Benjamin for the IC title (after
The next week,
On Smackdown that week, Michael Cole and JBL will be confronted by Bagwell who will accuse Michael Cole of sleeping with his mother. Before Cole can offer an explanation, Buff will knock him out, and for some reason or another Tard Grisham will conveniently be on-hand to take Cole’s place for the remainder of the evening.
On Raw, Buff will go to Vince and ask for a match with Michael Cole with the winner getting Judy... in bed! Seriously though, Vince will answer by asking when he rehired Buff Daddy, then he’ll make out with Candice McSlut while playing a DVD of Montreal and watching Pat Patterson have his way on Sylvan Griener before Triple-H and Stephanie have sex on Chris Jericho’s corpse while Vince, Linda, Useless, Buff, and Shane watch and Pat and Sylvan join in the fun. He will then finally give Buff his match after making him join the Kiss My Ass Club.
Bagwell will beat the living hell out of Michael Cole that week on Smackdown, and just for fun will recreate Cole’s experience with Heidenreich on the turnbuckle. Buff will pin Cole decisively, only for it to be revealed that it was, in fact, JBL who’s been with Mama Bagwell. The feud can continue then for 7 to 8 months before anyone gets tired of it. Maybe.
#1 a.k.a. Hitler Hearst Helmsley
Goldberg. Szatcowski. Rechsteiner. Heyman. Senerchia. What several things do all these names have in common? With that, we enter the best storyline that never was.
This will begin whenever Triple-H ‘breaks kayfabe’ and asks Vince during a promo why Rob Van Dam still has a job. When McMahon cannot offer an explanation, Trips will swear to settle this matter personally. On ECW that week, Hunter will hit the ring and grab Van Dam by the ponytail, dragging him backstage before throwing him in the boiler room and chaining the door shut. As Van Dam, err, gets hot or something, Triple-H will scream asking Van Dam how it feels to be “just like his own kind.” On his way out the building, the King of Kings will shout out that he’ll come back for Tazz and Heyman.
The next week on RAW, Goldberg will make a triumphant return, as money speaks louder than ridiculous booking that completely kills your mystique and legend, and take on Shelton Benjamin. After the burial of another hot prospect, Goldberg will be on his way to the back when Triple-H will attack with a whip, tearing into Bill’s back before dragging him to the back and, oh yes, throwing him into the boiler room and chaining it shut.
At the next TNA Impact taping, Triple-H will come out of the crowd having bought a ticket and grab Scott Steiner, dragging him through the audience before hitting him in the head with a brick and throwing him in his bus, wherein a cameraman will conveniently be on hand for this abduction. Trips will be back on Raw the next week, throwing Steiner into the boiler room. Then Rob Van Dam will come out and challenge Trips to, fittingly, an Inferno match.
Triple-H will accept, and the battle will be epic. Rob Van Dam fighting for the honor of one of the world’s oldest and most powerful (not to mention most racist against arabs) religions will....
...be buried. After the match, Hunter will begin to celebrate when the cops come out and arrest him for assault and battery, kidnapping, and various other charges over the abduction of Scott Steiner. The fans will pop for this, and for the next seven years the WWE will play it up as though he is highly missed. Upon his return to the ring, his first order of business will be to win the World title from a hellspawn amalgamation of Test’s body and Randy Orton’s soul, then allow his by then seven-year-old daughter to beat Harry Smith in front of an amazing (for WWE in 2013) crowd of twelve people to win his/her 14th WWE title.
Hey, he has an iron cross as a logo for a reason you know!
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With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).