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Tissue-Paper and Crime Scene Photos

By Martin Ferguson


Martin Ferguson


I've decided to go a different route this week, bitchies, and include a few of my opinions on the latest news in wrestling (or rather whatever the hell I feel like talking about, from a Mike Awesome-Disco Inferno tag-team to The British Bulldog setting out to kill Paul Birchill) before the main course. This will not be a common feature, but I will drag it out whenever I feel like it.

The Coroner's Table:

Volume One


Somehow, 'Blank' Seems Appropriate: Barbie Blank, better known as Kelly Kelly (who in the hell writes this shit?), has been telling people backstage that she does not want to return to OVW, and that the fans annoy her. Girl, there are people far more important than you on the roster who still make trips down to Louisville, and they weren't hired just because Johnny Ace is a fucking idiot.


Also, Vince is apparently impressed with the woman not only boring crowds from coast to coast, but also being so clueless that she doesn't know how to take her bra off. Hey, Kelly, I know this guy who can clean out your purse for ya for free, name's Randall.


Something He’s Not: As a lot of you might guess by my posts on the forums, I have problems with a certain somebody who tries to pretend they’re in a class they’re not. And that somebody is, of course, Jeff Jarrett for the crime of pretending to be a main-eventer. What, can you think of any other major wrestler who pretends to be something they’re not? John who?


Anyway, Jarrett has a multitude of problems that keep him from being considered a true headliner. The crowd hates his guts, and not in a good way. His matches and feuds are formulaic. He doesn’t look like a champion, but more like he’s been hanging out with Disco Inferno and Mike Awesome. That would’ve been an awesome tag-team, actually. That 70's Disco? Or maybe Dances With Fat-Chicks? Hell, it’s better than The Dicks. Oh wait, we’re not supposed to remember them since they got fired. WWE Law after all. What was I talking about again?


Saturday Night's Same-Old Shit: Well, take that back: no, it's not the same-old shit as this is most likely the very last SNME after a rating only slightly higher than your average episode of Smackdown. Hell, even UPN & WB's unholy alliance (they missed the boat on CW by not naming it WPN, but then again who wants two UPNs?) beat your asses- with reruns at that! That's bad. Either way, every cloud has a silver lining and in this case that is that JBL, as our friendly neighborhood Wrestling God, used his great powers to let Rey Mysterio put Mizark Henry on the shelf for six months. In return, I am going to be sure to read JBL's Bible every Sunday for the next month. You might know it as "Mein Kamph."


Anyone else think JBL should have a gimmick based off Brick from Anchorman? I could see it now...


*Batista clotheslines William Regal*

JBL: Whammy!


No? Eh.


Just So You Know How Much I Care About Him: I didn't even notice Scott Steiner's chest tattoo until I saw it mentioned on his Wikipedia page when I checked it out a few days ago.


Davey Boy's Locker: Based solely off lame jokes of Davey Boy Smith as Satan and main-eventers as cannibals, I'm working on a huge new project. I won't give any details except that it's called Jobbers of New England: Undertaker's Chest. You should be able to deduce things from there.


Jewsus: Paul Heyman, Jewish Jesus? Okey doke. Somebody desperately needs to do an ECW Bible. I'm not sure whether Heyman or Sandman would get the ultimate honor of being the Son of God though. Sandman would probably turn the water into beer though, before caning himself since God wrestling is a definite sign of sports-entertainment (unlike, say, a blood-spitting vampire who smites sinners or a tarot-card reader who tells the past). Unless you thought McMahonism was thrilling television, in which case it doesn't matter because you're likely unable to read this column anyway.


Truth In Advertising: Why's it called Extreme Championship Wrestling if it can't possibly be any less extreme? And why's it called World Wrestling Entertainment when there's little wrestling and no entertainment? Of course, we all remember how well The World did last time, so I guess that's why...


Wrestler Wikipedia


What happens when a wrestler discovers the benefits of Wikipedia, and word spreads throughout the locker rooms of both WWE and TNA? Here are just a few of the products of numerous Superstars, Stars, Divas, and... no Knockouts, but you can pretend, editting each other's Wikipedia pages to be more... truthful. And yes, these are the actual Wikipedia pages, thus the reason they're so damn long.


Amy Dumas

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Amy Christine Dumas (born
April 14, 1975 in Fort Lauderdale, Florida) is an oversexed slut, known the world over by her stage name, Lita. She is currently appearing on the RAW brand of the company I really wish I hadn't resigned with.

Early career

Dumas attended many different schools throughout her childhood and adolescent years, and no doubt slept with every boy she met since the age of twelve. She spent much of her young-adult life practicing judo, no doubt so she could practice many more sexual positions than before.

Dumas first became interested in wrestling after passing herpes to
Mexican luchador Rey Misterio, Jr. She traveled to Mexico to learn how to wrestle and learn more about the sport, having sex with an eclectic assortment of wrestlers such as Yoshihiro Tajiri, Val Venis, Essa Rios, Super Crazy and Chris Jericho. During her stay in Mexico, Dumas trained (and slept) under numerous wrestlers, including Kevin Quinn, Miguel Perez and Ricky Santana. Following the completion of her training, Dumas passed several STDs to wrestlers within the Empresa Mexicana de la Lucha Libre, and spent ten days working for a promotion in Peru.

Upon returning to the United States, Dumas began working as a
valet on the independent circuit under the ring name Angelica, at one point passing on candidiasis Christopher Daniels. In the spring of 1999, she was approached by Paul Heyman, the owner and booker of Extreme Championship Wrestling, then the third largest promotion in the United States. Dumas debuted in ECW as Miss Congeniality, the on-screen girlfriend of Danny Doring (who literally pissed on her- not the first time somebody did that). Dumas later began using the name Angelica once again, and made her pay-per-view debut on July 18, 1999 at Heat Wave 1999.

Dumas was introduced to veteran wrestler
Dory Funk, Jr. by ECW wrestler Rob Van Dam, and Funk invited her to his house, no doubt hoping to catch a disease that could make him die before he grew as old and pathetic as many other senior wrestlers. Dumas attended the school alongside 23 men, likely passing AIDs to every one of them. She graduated from the school in August 1999 and returned to ECW. In the meanwhile, Funk and his wife compiled video footage of Dumas and sent it Ron Jeremy, who wasn't interested in taking his chances. On November 1, 1999, Dumas was signed to a WWF developmental deal. She made her final appearance with ECW on October 23, 1999.

World Wrestling Federation


After honing her skills (not ring skills) at the
Memphis Championship Wrestling developmental territory, Dumas was given the ring name Lita and paired with luchador Essa Rios. Lita and Rios made their WWF debut on the February 13, 2000 episode of Heat, with Rios defeating Gillberg to win the WWF Light Heavyweight Championship. Lita assisted Rios in his matches by interfering on his behalf, often mimicking his moves immediately after he had performed them on an opponent. She would often experience his 'moves' first-hand at night too. The duo engaged in a brief feud with Eddie Guerrero and Chyna that saw Lita strip Chyna of the dress she wore to Guerrero's prom, by far not Lita's only experience in ripping clothes off a man.

Tension arose between Rios and Lita in May 2000 after Lita found Rios cavorting with The Godfather and his hos without getting her any, and Rios eventually turned on her after she inadvertently cost him a match. Lita was saved from a beating at the hands of Rios by the Hardy Boyz, the most awesomest tag-team ever and a couple of good-looking guys to boot, especially that Matt guy, and the trio formed a stable known as Team Xtreme (which also referred to Lita's antics in the bedroom). As a member of Team Xtreme, Lita developed a more "alternative" image, frequently wearing her pants low on her hips and exposing her thong.

In June 2000, Team Xtreme began a feud with
T and A (Lita was against them taking her name), with Lita enaging in a rivalry with the much hotter manager of T and A, Trish Stratus. The feud ended shortly after Fully Loaded 2000, where Lita pinned Stratus in a six person intergender tag team match. Immediately following her feud with Stratus, Lita began feuding with WWF Women's Champion Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, the boss's fat daughter who won't push me. In the main event of the August 21, 2000 episode of RAW is WAR, Lita defeated McMahon-Helmsley to win the Women's Championship.

Lita held the Women's Championship for 73 days, defeating challengers such as
Ivory and Trish Stratus. On the October 9, 2000 episode of RAW is WAR, Lita retained her title in a hardcore match with Jacqueline. In the course of her reign, Lita became embroiled in the feud between the Hardy Boyz and Feces & Christian. In retaliation for her frequent interference in their matches, Edge and Christian cost Lita the Women's Championship, helping Ivory defeat her in a four way match on the November 2, 2000 episode of SmackDown!. Lita attempted to regain the title on several occasions, wrestling Ivory at Survivor Series 2000 and Rebellion 2000, but was thwarted on each occasion by Steven Richards, the mentor of Ivory and leader of the Right to Censor, which obviously was against Lita's attempts to give the entire locker room a piece of a Mexican treasure. She spent the remainder of the year in a feud with would-be suitor Dean Malenko (she wasn't interested in his 1,000 moves, the first time she's ever not given sex to a man who desired it), on one occasion unsuccessfully challenging him for the WWF Light Heavyweight Championship.


Lita continued to feud with Dean Malenko in early 2001, and on the
February 19, 2001 episode of RAW is WAR, she defeated him in a singles bout with the assistance of Matt Hardy, King of Awesomeness. Following the match, Hardy kissed Lita, beginning their on-screen relationship. The couple wrestled in several intergender tag team matches throughout the early part of the year.

Following a brief feud between Team Xtreme and The Conceited Bastards in April 2001, Lita began pursuing the WWF Women's Championship once again. She challenged Women's Champion
Chyna at Judgment Day 2001 on May 20, 2001, but was defeated. In the same month, Eddie Guerrero began teaming with the Hardy Boyz. A storyline involving Guerrero and Lita was cut short in June 2001 when Guerrero was sent to drug rehabilitation.

In July 2001, Lita and Trish Stratus joined forces to combat
Stacy Keibler and Torrie Wilson, members of the Alliance of Extreme Championship Wrestling and World Championship Wrestling wrestlers who were invading the WWF. At Invasion on July 22, 2001, Lita and Stratus defeated Keibler and Wilson in a tag team bra and panties match. Throughout the "Invasion", Lita, Stratus and Jacqueline feuded with Alliance members Keibler, Wilson, Ivory and Mighty Molly. The Invasion storyline ended on November 18, 2001 at the 2001 Survivor Series, where Lita took part in a six-pack challenge for the WWF Women's Championship, which had been vacated by Chyna earlier that year. The match was won by Stratus, because Lita misunderstood and laid down because she thought it was a sex-pack challenge.

In late 2001, the Hardy Boyz began feuding with one another. Lita refereed a match between them at
Vengeance 2001 on December 9, 2001 that was won by Jeff, with Lita failing to notice that Matt had placed his leg on the rope during Jeff's successful pin attempt. On the following episode of RAW, Matt defeated Lita and Jeff in a handicap match, shortly after informing Lita that both their relationship and the Hardy Boyz were finished.

Lita began accompanying Jeff Hardy to the ring for his matches, with the two implicitly involved in an on-screen relationship (and off-screen too, though I never could prove it). On the
December 17, 2001 episode of RAW, both Jeff and Lita were sidelined with (kayfabe) injuries following a violent title match between Jeff and WWF Hardcore Champion The Undertaker. The injuring of both his brother and ex-girlfriend led to a reconciliation between the members of Team Xtreme, and on the December 20, 2001 episode of SmackDown!, Matt Hardy faced The Undertaker, but was also injured. All three members of Team Xtreme were removed from WWF television for several weeks, with journalist Dave Meltzer attributing the removal to a lack of storylines for the trio. Head of Talent Relations Jim Ross stated in an interview that the removal of Team Xtreme from television was to enable them to "recharge their batteries".

The Hardy Boyz competed in the
2002 Royal Rumble, and, along with Lita, returned to WWF television in February 2002. Lita resumed her pursuit of the WWF Women's Championship in March 2002, and made her in-ring WrestleMania debut at WrestleMania X8 on March 17, 2002, facing Stratus and WWF Women's Champion Jazz in a three way title match that saw Jazz retain her title by pinning Lita.

April 6, 2002, Lita suffered what appeared to be a stinger while filming a fight scene for a role in the season finale of the television program Dark Angel. After she underwent a CAT scan, it was revealed that Lita had suffered three cracks in her C5 and C6 vertebrae, necessitating surgery. On April 30, 2002, Lita underwent neck surgery under Dr. Lloyd Youngblood in San Antonio, Texas, with a section of her hip used to fuse her C5 and C6 vertebrae together. Lita spent the subsequent year rehabilitating, making appearances on Sunday Night Heat as a color commentator from October 2002. And the show got cancelled afterwards in a fucking hillarious bit of irony. Serves the slut right. Version One! I Will Not Die!

World Wrestling Entertainment


Lita appeared on the
April 21, 2003 episode of RAW, where she was ostensibly fired from her position as Sunday Night Heat color commentator by General Manager Eric Bischoff after she shocked all of Mexico and rejected his advances and his request that she follow in the footsteps of Torrie Wilson and pose for Playboy in a mystery that is still unanswered to this day. She returned to the ring after an absence of seventeen months on the September 15, 2003 episode of RAW, saving Trish Stratus from a beating at the hands of Molly Holly and Gail Kim (Co-General Manager "Stone Cold" Steve Austin later explained to Eric Bischoff that he had rehired Lita, likely following "friendly persusasion." Unfortunately, Austin doesn't treat a one night stand the way he does a wife). Lita and Stratus went on to defeat Holly and Kim in a tag team match on September 21, 2003 at Unforgiven 2003. Lita feuded with Holly into late 2003, unsuccessfully challenging her for the Women's Championship on November 11, 2003 at the 2003 Survivor Series.

On the November 17, 2003 episode of RAW, Lita and Matt Hardy were reunited after Hardy was drafted from SmackDown! to RAW. After Hardy appeared to be about to propose to Lita, Holly interrupted, challenging Lita and Hardy to face her and Bischoff in an intergender tag team match later that evening (with Bischoff later stipulating that Lita would earn a title shot if she won, but would be fired if she lost). Hardy and Lita lost the match after Hardy refused to tag in, with Hardy berating Lita for "selfishly" returning to RAW instead of SmackDown!, claiming that this showed that she cared more about the Women's Championship than about him. Lita was rehired later that evening when Christian informed her that he had persuaded Bischoff to reinstate her. One week later, Lita lost to Victoria in the first ever female versus female steel cage match (though by far not Lita's only experience "wrestling" in a cage) to be held on RAW.

As Lita and Christian appeared to be developing a relationship (they probably did in real life as well), so to did Stratus and Chris Jericho. However, on the December 1, 2003 episode of RAW, it was revealed that Christian and Jericho had bet one another as to who could seduce Lita and Stratus respectively first. The revelation led to a feud between Lita and Stratus and Christian and Jericho, with the males triumphing in "Battle of the Sexes" matches at both Armageddon 2003 on December 14, 2003 and on the subsequent episode of RAW.

Lita competed in the women's division throughout early 2004, winning a battle royal to become number one contender to the Women's Championship on the April 5, 2004 episode of RAW. Victoria defeated Lita to retain the Women's Championship at Backlash 2004 on April 18, 2004. Lita was reunited with God On Earth on the April 19, 2004 episode of RAW when Hardy attacked Kane in an attempt to prevent him from harming Lita. In the following weeks, Kane began repeatedly assaulting Hardy and attempting to seduce Lita (likely interested in developing yet another burning sensation), even persuading Eric Bischoff to give her a title shot at Bad Blood 2004 on June 13, 2004.

On the
June 14, 2004 episode of RAW, Lita revealed that she was pregnant. One week later, it once again appeared that Hardy would propose to Lita. However, the proposal was interrupted by Kane, who claimed that he, not Hardy, was the father of Lita's child, as Lita had slept with Kane to persuade him to stop attacking Hardy. Two months later, it was revealed that Kane was in fact the father. Hardy and Kane feuded for several months, culminating in a "'Till Death do Us Part" match on August 15, 2004 at SummerSlam 2004, with the stipulation that Lita would be obliged to marry Kane should Hardy lose. Kane won the match, leading to he and a reluctant Lita marrying one another on the August 23, 2004 episode of RAW. Despite being married to Kane, Lita harried him during his matches, constantly aiding his opponents. On the September 13, 2004 episode of RAW, Lita miscarried after Gene Snitsky struck Kane with a chair, resulting in him falling on Lita. The miscarriage led to Lita and Kane joining forces in order to take revenge upon Snitsky.

With the pregnancy angle over, Lita returned to the women's division in November 2004. She challenged Trish Stratus for the Women's Championship on several occasions, finally defeating her to begin her second reign as champion in the main event of the
December 6, 2004 episode of RAW.


Lita's second reign as Women's Champion ended on
January 9, 2005 at New Year's Revolution 2005, where she was defeated by Trish Stratus. In the course of the match, Lita suffered a legitimate injury, tearing her left anterior cruciate ligament. She underwent surgery under Dr. James Andrews on January 20, 2005, and mourned having to wait several weeks to recover enough to participate in her favorite pasttime.

Lita returned to WWE television in March 2005, mentoring
Christy Hemme in preparation for her title match with Stratus at WrestleMania 21. Despite Lita's coaching, Hemme was squashed by Stratus. Lita continued to feud with Stratus by proxy over the following weeks, with Kane defeating Stratus's champion, Viscera, at Backlash 2005 on May 1, 2005. The relationship between Lita and Kane lasted until the May 16, 2005 episode of RAW, when Lita turned heel by betraying Kane, helping his opponent, Backstabbing Bastard, defeat him in the finals of the WWE RAW Gold Rush Tournament. On the May 30, 2005 episode of RAW, Lita announced that she had filed for divorce, flushing her wedding ring down a toilet. She attempted to marry Feces on the June 20, 2005 episode of RAW, but the marriage ceremony was interrupted by a vengeful Kane, who emerged from beneath the ring.

The alignment of Lita with Edge had resulted from an off-screen series of events that saw The Bitch cheat on Matt Hardy, in reality her boyfriend of five years, with Feces, until then a close friend of Hardy's. Shortly after the event, Hardy was released from WWE. Knowledge of the situation was rapidly dispersed among fans, and audiences at WWE events began chanting for Matt Hardy. The situation was eventually acknowledged by WWE, and in July 2005 Hardy was rehired by WWE. On the
August 1, 2005 episode of RAW, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon acknowledged that Hardy had been rehired, and announced that Hardy and Edge would face one another at SummerSlam 2005. Edge went on to defeat Hardy at SummerSlam in the worst booked match EVER, and the two men feuded for several months. The feud ended on the October 3, 2005 episode of RAW, when Edge, with the assistance of Lita, defeated Hardy in a ladder match. As a stipulation of the match, Hardy was obliged to leave RAW should he be defeated. Throughout the remainder of 2005, Lita continued to act as Feces' valet.

After Edge defeated
John Cena to win the WWE Championship on January 8, 2006 at New Year's Revolution 2006, I contemplated suicide for the next three weeks until John went over and got the belt back at the Royal Rumble, giving me something to live for in my pathetic, miserable life.

Lita returned to the ring in a tag team bout on
January 20, 2006 at a house show, and made her televised in-ring return on the February 6, 2006 episode of RAW, teaming with Feces in a loss to Cena and Maria. She continued to manage Edge into mid-2006, frequently interfering on his behalf during his feud with Mick Foley. In May 2006, Foley joined forces with Edge and Lita, with the trio defeating Foley's ECW rivals Terry Funk, Tommy Dreamer and Beulah McGillicutty in an impromptu six person tag team match at ECW One Night Stand (word on the street is that Lita was only there because she misunderstood the name).


From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Paul Michael Levesque (born
July 27, 1969 in Nashua, New Hampshire) is an American professional wrestler better known by his ring name, Triple H, an abbreviation for his former ring name, Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Triple H currently wrestles on the RAW brand of the company that is number one, but not for long at the rate we're making progress. Hell, I'm champ and there are no viable challengers for me! How can we not be number-one? He is a ten-time world champion: four-time WWF Champion, one-time WWF Undisputed Champion and five-time World Heavyweight Champion (but only because he had sex with the boss's daughter). He is also part of the reunited faction of D-Generation X along with real-life best friend and former on-screen rival, Shawn Michaels.

Early career

Triple H was trained to wrestle by legendary wrestling heel
Killer Kowalski (though not as legendary as the great Jerry Jarrett!). In 1993, he joined World Championship Wrestling (WCW), wrestling as a heel under the ring name Terra Ryzin. He teamed with fellow Kowalski trainee, Perry Saturn, who would go on to form The Eliminators in ECW. Later, Levesque created the persona Jean-Paul Levesque, a hastily constructed persona in reference to his surname's French origins, and was asked to speak with a French accent as he could not speak French. The French are a bunch of tree-hugging pussies who surrendered in World War II, so that makes Hunter a tree-hugging pussy! And this guy is the top guy? Ha! Under this terrible persona, Levesque also teamed with Lord Steven Regal. He left in 1995 for WCW's rival organization, the World Wrestling Federation.

World Wrestling Federation / Entertainment


As a continuation of his
gimmick in WCW, Triple H started off his WWF career as the Connecticut Blueblood, Hunter Hearst Helmsley. What the hell's a blueblood anyway? That some kind of disease? He appeared in taped vignettes talking about proper etiquette up until his wrestling debut. Although he had an impressive streak during the first few months within his debut, his career stalled during 1996, starting off with being squashed by Ultimate Warrior (who TNA does NOT intend to sign- really, we mean it this time!) at WrestleMania XII. Up until that event, he appeared on television each week with a different female valet accompanying him. Sable was his valet at WrestleMania XII, and after his loss to Ultimate Warrior, he took his aggressions out on her. The debuting Marc Mero came to her rescue and this started a program between the two wrestlers. What kind of man would agree to do a storyline where he abuses women, huh? That's just low.

Helmsley was best known backstage as one of the members of the
Clique, a group of wrestlers including Shawn Michaels, Kevin Nash, Sean Waltman and Scott Hall who were known for influencing Vince McMahon and the WWF Creative team. Because of his connections with the Clique, and because of the WWF's pressure to create new stars to compete with WCW, Helmsley was in line to win the 1996 King of the Ring tournament, but was eventually suspended and buried after the MSG incident where the Clique broke character after a match between Shawn Michaels and Diesel match to say goodbye to the departing Nash and Hall.

Despite the punishment, Helmsley did have several successes following the MSG Incident. He found a manager in
Mr. Perfect and won his first Intercontinental Championship on October 21, 1996, defeating Marc Mero. When Curt Hennig left the WWF, his departure was explained to be a result of Helmsley turning his back on his manager as soon as he won the Intercontinental Championship. He held the belt for nearly four months before losing it to a young Rocky Maivia (we won't sign him either, but only because we can't afford it- seriously, I'd go over this guy in a heartbeat!) on the February 13, 1997 edition of RAW. For an extremely brief amount of time, Helmsley hired Curtis Hughes to play the role of his bodyguard. After losing the Intercontinental title, he feuded with Goldust, defeating him at WrestleMania 13. During their feud, Chyna (who cares if I jobbed to her, I got 150K out of it!) debuted as his new bodyguard, assaulting Goldust's wife and valet Marlena.


Helmsley's push resumed in 1997, when he won the King of the Ring tournament on
June 8, defeating Mankind in the finals. Later that year, Shawn Michaels, Helmsley, Chyna and Rick Rude (who left shortly after the group was formed) formed D-Generation X (DX). This group became known for pushing the envelope, as Michaels and Helmsley made risque promos, spawning the catchphrase "Suck It" along with a "crotch chop" hand motion, and sarcastically deriding Bret Hart and Canada. By now, Helmsley fully dropped the "blueblood snob" gimmick and adopted the name of "Triple H", though some wrestlers still do refer to him as Hunter. For a time, Triple H took particular joy in riding on then-Commissioner Sgt. Slaughter, often accusing him of impotence, culminating in a match at the D-Generation X pay-per-view. After WrestleMania XIV, Michaels was forced into retirement due to a back injury sustained at the 1998 Royal Rumble pay-per-view, and Triple H took over the leadership position in DX. He introduced the returning X-Pac the night after WrestleMania and joined forces with the New Age Outlaws, the team of "Badd Ass" Billy Gunn and "Road Dogg" Jesse James. You know they work for me now? Yeah, you bet they do. Kip even jobbed to me right after he turned face.

Triple H led the "DX Army" throughout 1998; this was the first time he had performed as a
face in the WWF, and he quickly became one of it's most popular wrestlers. It was also during this time that Triple H began feuding with the leader of the Nation of Domination (yeah, teach those lazy blacks ya French bastard!) and rising WWF heel, The Rock (would still hire him). This rivalry eventually led to a feud over The Rock's Intercontinental Championship. Triple H defeated The Rock in a ladder match at SummerSlam 1998 to capture the title. He did not hold the title long, however, as he was sidelined with a knee injury he suffered during the match itself. When The Rock won the WWF Championship at the Survivor Series 1998, the rivalry between the two continued, but became more of a gang war as DX fought Vince McMahon's Corporation stable, of which Rock was the main star.


Triple H received a shot at the WWF Championship on the
January 25, 1999 edition of RAW in an "I Quit" match against The Rock, but was forced to quit or see his aide Chyna chokeslammed by Kane. Chyna attacked Triple H after the match and joined the Corporation, betraying him. At WrestleMania XV Triple H wrestled as a face for what would be the last time in several months when he beat Kane with the aid of Chyna, who was thought to have rejoined DX. Later on in the night, he betrayed his long-time friend and fellow DX member X-Pac by helping heel Shane McMahon retain the European Championship (I held that ya know, but only for a week before I gave it to that awesome guy who should definitely have the world title by now), thus turning heel and taking Chyna with him. This decision earned him the hatred of many fans, and helped push Triple H further in the direction of the WWF Championship (which should've been mine years before this). Triple H then joined the Corporation, briefly placing him on the same side as The Rock. Unable to get along, The Rock turned on the Corporation and took Triple H's place as a face, quickly rising to further stardom.

When Triple H turned heel, he moved away from his "DX" look, taping his fists for matches, sporting new and shorter wrestling trunks, shorter hair and adding facial hair. His image and his personality changed as he fought to earn a World title shot. During mid-1999, Triple H was "groomed" for the WWF Championship. The demise of the powerful "Corporate Ministry" stable (the group which was created out of a merger of the Corporation and the
Undertaker's Ministry of Darkness), left Triple H closer to the title. After numerous failed attempts at winning the championship, Triple H and Mankind challenged WWF Champion "Stone Cold" Steve Austin at SummerSlam 1999 in a triple threat match. In a contest which featured Jesse "The Body" Ventura as the special guest referee, Mankind won the match by pinning Austin, becoming a three-time WWF champion.

The following night on RAW, Triple H threatened to break
Jim Ross' arm if Mankind refused to give him a title shot that night. Mankind consented, and Triple H would go on that night to win the title for the first time. He then "interviewed" Jim Ross to see "what Ross thought of him." JR's reply was that he thought Triple H was a "no-good, drunken S.O.B." Triple H replied in kind by beating JR to the ground (Tennessee's better than Oklahoma, ya know). From then onwards, Triple H feuded with the biggest WWF superstars of the time: The Rock, Mick Foley, Steve Austin, Vince McMahon, Undertaker, Kurt Angle, among others. He earned the hatred of fans around the world due to his dirty, under-handed tactics, including the use of his trademark sledgehammer and cruel schemes, such as forcing Mick Foley out of the WWF. This was incredibly stupid, as it made no sense for him to constantly have a heavy, slow, nonpractical weapon rather than a chair or brass knuckles or something. He also dubbed himself "The Game", implying that he was at the top of the wrestling world, as well as "The Cerebral Assassin", implying that he was simply smarter than the other wrestlers. Triple H has claimed that "The Game" tag was initially going to go to Owen Hart (miss ya buddy).

By January 2000, Triple H was already a three-time WWF Champion, while I had already been a three time WCW U.S. champion. You tell me which is more important! His feud with Vince McMahon was not well-received, however, and even outraged fans after McMahon won the title from Triple H during an episode of SmackDown! (thankfully WCW would've never put the title on a non-wrestler!). However, the short-lived feud started the Hunter Hearst Helmsley-
Stephanie McMahon storyline that carried the WWF throughout the next seventeen months, when Triple H married a "drugged" Stephanie McMahon at a drive-through wedding chapel in a storyline that had him sabotaging the planned wedding of Stephanie and Test. It was later revealed that both Triple H and Stephanie were in cahoots the entire time in order to spite Vince McMahon. With Triple H marrying into the McMahon family, this gave him and Stephanie considerable power over the WWF roster, and the period of their rule was known as the "McMahon/Helmsley era." I hear that's what some people call the WWE now as well. Imagine it, using politicks and driving a company into the ground just to satisfy your own ego!

Triple H regained the credibility he lost from losing the title to McMahon during an intense, brutal feud with Mick Foley. Triple H managed to win a Street Fight at the
2000 Royal Rumble against Foley to retain the title after a Pedigree onto thumbtacks, despite having suffered a legitimate injury to his calf when Foley suplexed him onto a wooden pallet, driving a shard of the wood into his leg. The feud ended in a Hell in a Cell match at No Way Out 2000 that sent Foley into retirement. By the time Triple H shockingly pinned The Rock at WrestleMania 2000 (becoming the first heel to walk out of WrestleMania as champion- luckily you'd never see the same at, say, Slammiversary), he was one of the hottest characters in the WWF, being able to generate enormous heat for his entrance and promos alone. He lost the title at Backlash to The Rock, but regained it in an Ironman match at Judgement Day only to lose it back to The Rock at King of the Ring.

In 2000,
Kurt Angle was making advances towards his at-the-time storyline wife, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. With the fans seemingly in his corner, Triple H disposed of Angle. In November of that year, Triple H turned heel again when he was revealed to be the man behind "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's hit-and-run accident at the 1999 Survivor Series. Imagine it, turning heel whenever people have interest in cheering you, or vice-versa! How horrible for business is that?


The feud between Triple H and Steve Austin culminated in a
3 Stages of Hell match in which Helmsley defeated Austin 2 to 1 (The first fall was a regular match, which Austin won; the second and third were respectively a street fight and a cage match, which Triple H won). In 2001, Triple H also feuded with Undertaker, who defeated him at WrestleMania X-Seven. He later teamed with his former nemesis Austin to form The Ego Trip, capturing both the WWF Tag Team Titles and the Intercontinental Championship once again. I've held both ya know. Me and Owen had the Tag Titles for longer than Triple-H and Stone Cold! That makes us the greatest draws of all time!

The most difficult moment of Triple H's career occurred during the
May 21, 2001 broadcast of RAW when he suffered a legitimate and career-threatening injury. In the night's main event, he and Stone Cold Steve Austin were defending the Tag Team titles against Chris Jericho (we'd sign him too, but resigning Sting is more important. Good matches and a well-known name < face paint and an outfit that rips off The Crow) and Chris Benoit. At one point, Jericho had Austin trapped in his Walls of Jericho (I don't get it) submission hold. Triple H ran-in to break it up, but just as he did, he suffered a tear in his left quadriceps muscle, causing it to come completely off the bone (an injury just from moving from one place to another? No one on the TNA roster's done that!). Despite his inability to place any weight on his leg, Triple H was able to complete the match, something that his fans and fellow wrestlers saw as an admirable display of dedication to the business (you know what's even more admirable? Having the match you're named after be won by somebody else- even if it was because you didn't want to job and thus were removed from i). He even allowed one of his opponents in the match, Chris Jericho, to put him in his standard finishing maneuver, the "Walls of Jericho", a move that places considerable stress on the quadriceps (I knew the French were pussies, but they're stupid too!). The tear required an operation, which was performed by feared orthopedic surgeon Dr. James Andrews, in Birmingham. Seriously, if not for this guy WWE wouldn't have any main-eventers left. That's a shame. This injury brought an abrupt end to the McMahon/Helmsley era as the rigorous rehabilitation process kept Triple H out of action for over seven months, completely missing the Invasion storyline of WCW/ECW.

Triple H returned to RAW as a
face on January 7, 2002 at Madison Square Garden, receiving a tremendous ovation (almost as much as I did when I won the title at Slammiversary! Orlando (not Jordan) loves me!). He soon won that year's Royal Rumble, and thus received a WWF Undisputed Championship match in the main event at WrestleMania X8. Following the failure of the WCW/ECW Invasion, Stephanie McMahon rejoined Triple H on television, but the two started to have troubles with one another. Stephanie took a desperate measure to regain her husband's favor by telling him that she was pregnant, a lie that was proven false when Linda McMahon informed Triple H of the ruse with a videotape that revealed the doctor he and Stephanie visited to be a paid actor. This prompted Triple H to demand a divorce during a televised ceremony to renew the couple's wedding vows. From that point, Stephanie made it her priority to stop Triple H from ever becoming world champion again, aligning herself with then-champion, and former enemy, Chris Jericho. In the weeks leading to WrestleMania X8, Jericho and Stephanie unsuccessfully tried to re-injure Triple H's quadricep.

Fans began to heavily criticize this storyline as it became increasingly ridiculous (unlike, say, driving a man into retirement and then complaining when he won't face you, then refusing to ever have the match once he comes back- that's common sense booking right there!), with Stephanie demanding ownership of Triple H's bulldog Lucy and reducing Chris Jericho to her errand boy. Finally, at WrestleMania, Triple H beat Chris Jericho for the WWF Undisputed Championship, and a few weeks later defended it against both Jericho and Stephanie in a Triple Threat Match, with the stipulation being that if Stephanie was pinned she would have to leave the company. Triple H was victorious, and Stephanie was taken off WWF television until she became the general manager of SmackDown! during the
WWE brand extension in 2002 (you'd never see TNA backing out of stipulations, like Abyss never getting a title shot he earned or someone being blackmailed only for it to be completely dropped with no explanation or something like that).

After holding the title for a month, Helmsley lost it to
Hulk Hogan (please sign with us, Hulk, please. Vince is gone... though he might be back in six months or so) at Backlash 2002. Triple H then became exclusive to the SmackDown! roster due to the WWF Draft Lottery and began another feud with the Undertaker. The two fought at Insurrextion 2002, where Triple H won with a Pedigree, avenging his WrestleMania loss in 2001. The feud grew hotter when the Undertaker won the WWF Undisputed Championship from Hogan at Judgment Day 2002. Also at Judgment Day, Triple H ended his feud with Chris Jericho by defeating Y2J in a Hell in a Cell match, following a Pedigree on the top of the cell (what kind of man doesn't put over somebody with more heat than he'll ever have?). Triple H and the Undertaker wrestled for the WWF Undisputed Championship at King of the Ring 2002, but the Undertaker won following interference from The Rock. Triple H's feud with the Undertaker ended as Triple H re-focused on The Rock. However, in a triple threat title match at Global Warning against The Rock and Brock Lesnar, Triple H again lost.

Meanwhile, Triple H's old DX companion Shawn Michaels had made his return to the WWE and joined the nWo, and Shawn Michaels and Kevin Nash (don't worry buddy, you're going to beat the X-Division in the end) planned to bring Triple H over to RAW in order to put him into the group. However, Vince McMahon disbanded the nWo following several backstage complications and brought in
Eric Bischoff as RAW's new general manager. One of Bischoff's first intentions was to follow up on the nWo's plan and woo Triple H over to the RAW roster. Triple H did indeed jump over to RAW, reuniting with Shawn Michaels, but on July 22, 2002 he turned heel once again by turning on Michaels, hitting a surprise Pedigree on him during what was supposed to be a DX reunion. The following week, Triple H smashed Michaels' face brutally into a car window to prove that Michaels was "weak." He denied it at the end of the show to Eric Biscoff, with an emphatic "You think I did this? FUCK YOU!" before the show went off the air. However, it was revealed later through "surveillance camera" footage and "image enhancement" technology that Triple H was indeed the culprit. With Shawn "live via satellite," as a result of his injuries, he told Triple H that he would be 100 percent by SummerSlam, and challenged him to a fight. These events led to the beginning of a long, heated rivalry between the former partners, and an eventual "Unsanctioned Street Fight (I've heard more sensical things in Ready To Rumble- hey I can bash it, I wasn't in it, thankfully)" at SummerSlam 2002, in which Michaels came out of retirement and won. Afterwards, however, Triple H attacked him with a sledgehammer (seriously, why does this guy always carry one around anyway? And shouldn't getting hit with something huge and heavy do something more than put a guy down for a few minutes, like put him in a coma or kill him or something? Where's the sense in that?), and Michaels was carried out of the ring.

Prior to
September 2, 2002, the WWE recognized only one Champion for both RAW and SmackDown! However, after SummerSlam, champion Brock Lesnar signed a (storyline) deal to become exclusive to SmackDown!, leaving RAW without a champion. RAW General Manager Eric Bischoff then awarded the World Heavyweight Championship to Triple H in the form of the old WCW Championship belt (having the belt handed to you! That's pathetic. And that belt looked better around my waist, and I'm not just saying that.). Triple H made his successful title defense against Ric Flair, but eventually lost the belt to Shawn Michaels in the first ever Elimination Chamber match at Survivor Series 2002, but regained it in a 3 Stages of Hell match at Armageddon 2002. In this contest, Triple H won the first fall, a street fight; Michaels won the second, a cage match; Triple H captured the title in the third fall, a ladder match. After Armageddon Triple H held the belt for most of 2003, defeating opponents such as Scott Steiner (I'm willing to let you be the one to beat Joe if you agree to a fingerpoke of doom angle, buddy), Booker T, Kevin Nash, and Bill Goldberg (going to sign him too- really!) in main events. What kind of man destroys every potential opponent and leaves room for nowhere to go with the title?


In January 2003, Triple H formed Evolution with Ric Flair,
Randy Orton, and Batista. Its purpose was to include the "second greatest wrestlers" (guess who the greatest is) of the past (Flair), present (Triple H), and future (Orton and Batista). The group was dominant on RAW from 2003-2004, the height of their dominance occurring after Armageddon 2003 when every member of Evolution held a title. Imagine having an entire stable set-up that completely destroys everyone in sight! That's horrible. Triple H beat Goldberg to win the World Heavyweight Championship, Randy Orton beat Rob Van Dam to win the Intercontinental Championship, and Ric Flair and Batista beat The Dudley Boyz to win the World Tag Team Championship. Triple H lost his title to Chris Benoit at WrestleMania XX and was unable to reclaim the belt from Benoit afterwards in subsequent rematches, including an exact rematch of the WrestleMania main event between Triple H, Benoit, and Shawn Michaels at Backlash.

Evolution nearly suffered a devastating blow when Triple H was drafted to SmackDown! after his name was pulled by John Cena for SmackDown! General Manager Paul Heyman (after Bischoff complained that that was his pick, no matter who picked it) during the 2004 Draft Lottery. To appease his new acquisition, Heyman immediately scheduled a SmackDown! championship match that very night on RAW with Triple H going up against then-WWE Champion
Eddie Guerrero. Amazing Triple H put the beaner over, but later in the week, it was revealed that Eric Bischoff had pulled some strings and agreed to exchange three RAW superstars in return for the right to keep Triple H on RAW. Backstage, it was rumored that Triple H was unhappy with the announcement (the wrestlers had no idea who was going to be drafted until the day of the lottery) and pulled some strings to allow himself to stay on RAW. Killing potential programs because you want an entire show to run your away? Absurd. For the next few weeks, Triple H started beating up other wrestlers who laughed at him when he was drafted.

After Randy Orton defeated Chris Benoit for the World Heavyweight Championship at
SummerSlam 2004, everyone immediately wanted to know how Triple H would respond to this. Triple H claimed that Evolution would have Randy Orton's back. This was revealed to be untrue when Triple H ordered the other members of Evolution to attack Orton following the conclusion of a rematch against Benoit the next night on RAW, ending Orton's affiliation with the group. Triple H told Orton the following week to make it easy on himself and forfeit the title to him, but Orton spat in Triple H's face and knocked him over the head with the title, starting a program between the two. A month later at Unforgiven Triple H won the title from Orton, and managed to prevent Orton from regaining the belt for the rest of the feud. Sure, completely bury future talent, that'll getcha far Trips!


Following a controversial triple threat World title defense against Chris Benoit and Edge on the
November 29, 2004 episode of RAW, Triple H's World Heavyweight Championship became vacant for the first time. Many saw this as a sign that there would be a new World Heavyweight Champion at WWE's first ever New Year's Revolution pay-per-view event held on January 9, 2005. These hopes were dashed, though, when Triple H won the title back in the main event, the third Elimination Chamber match in WWE history, to begin his 10th world title reign (imagine winning back-to-back titles! That's just low); the other participants in the match were Edge, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Batista and Randy Orton, with Shawn Michaels serving as the special guest referee. This match would also help as the launching pad for Triple H's upcoming feud with Batista, as Triple H failed to stop Batista from getting eliminated during the match despite being more than able to do so.

At WrestleMania 21, Triple H lost the championship to Batista, and subsequently lost a further two rematches (Backlash 2005 and Vengeance 2005 in a Hell in a Cell match, which had been deemed "Triple H's match" despite being pioneered and made famous by The Undertaker). Following this, Triple H took some time off from wrestling, learning about the corporate side of WWE in preparation for a future executive position. Unlike Hunter, you'll never see me take a break. Ever. So get used to it, you bastards in the IWC. Joe's gonna drop the belt in a hurry, and going to come out looking like a complete fucking chump in the process, also burying the X-Division by association! Long live king booker, and I don't mean Booker T! The orange pants do not look gay! Anyway, the excruciating pain that he sustained as a result of the Hell in a Cell match was passed off as the cause of Triple H's extended absence from the company.

Triple H returned to RAW on
October 3, 2005 as part of WWE Homecoming to a tremendous ovation, even though at the time he took his absence, he was a heel. He teamed up with his good friend and idol, Ric Flair (I ended Ric's last ever world title run, ya know), against Chris Masters and Carlito. Triple H and Flair won, but the Game then turned on Flair with his sledgehammer (seriously, where the hell does he get these things?), leaving Flair a bloody mess backstage.

Triple H began a fued with Ric Flair. He lost the first match, in a cage, at Taboo Tuesday, but won their "Last Man standing" match at Survivor Series. A feud that only goes two pay-per-views? That'll get you nowhere, WWE!

At WrestleMania 22, Triple H and John Cena fought in the main event for the WWE Championship. Despite his best efforts, Triple H tapped out to Cena's "STFU" submission hold and lost. The next month at Backlash, Triple H was involved in another WWE Championship match, fighting Edge and John Cena in a Triple Threat match, but coming up short. In an act of frustration, a bloodied Triple H used his trusty sledgehammer (I give up) to nail both Edge and John Cena with it, then performed a number of DX crotch chops, much to the delight of the fans. Even in defeat, he comes off looking like the better man? What terrible bookers these mortals be.

Shawn Michaels would return on the
June 12, 2006 edition of RAW and would soon reunite with Triple H to reform their previous wrestling stable, D-Generation X. DX would continue their feud with the McMahons and Spirit Squad for several months; playing weekly practical joke style stunts to taunt their rivals. They would also defeat the Spirit Squad in a 5 on 2 match at Vengeance and a 5 on 2 elimination match at Saturday Night Main Event. Completely burying the next generation? That's low. That'd be like ending the reign of a popular champion just before going on TV for the first time, and not even being good enough to actually wait for the first episode of the show, much less the PPV!

Booker Huffman
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Robert Booker Tio Huffman (born
March 1, 1965 in Houston, Texas), better known by his ring name Booker T, is an African American, a person of color, a Negro, and in general black. Huffman's Booker T persona is also black and currently goes by "King Booker", no doubt the king of a poor African country. Because he's black.


Blacker T was trained by the probably also black Scott Casey and debuted on March 1, 1989, his 24th birthday of being black, as Booker T. He and his brother Stevie Ray, also black wrestled in the Texas-based Global Wrestling Federation as "The Ebony Experience", with Lane known as "Stevie Ray". The Ebony Experience held the GWF Tag Team Championships on two occasions. Assumedly, Ebony is some sort of black word or something. Because he's black.

World Championship Wrestling (THOSE ASSHOLES FIRED ME!)

Booker and Lane signed with
WCW in the mid-1990s. They were originally slated to debut as two wrestling slaves called The Ghetto Blasters, because they're a couple of black guys who should be picking cotton, not winning titles. Unfortunately, however, this gimmick was aborted due to the "racial insensitivity" of the planned characters. They debuted as the tag team Harlem Heat, with Booker renamed "Kole" and Lane renamed "Kane (funny, when I saw him he was white)". At their request Kole and Kane were sadly once again named "Booker T" and "Stevie Ray". and would hold the WCW World Tag Team Championships a record ten times.

In the late
1990s, Huffman began competing as a singles wrestler, while his brother was taking time off because he was a lazy black man and then became a member of the nWo (the 'n' stands for negro, I'd assume), then became a color(ed) commentator. Huffman won the WCW World Television Championship five times, and defeated Chris Benoit in a "best of seven" series on Nitro, Thunder and pay-per-views, for a match against the TV Champion, Fit Finlay. Where I come from, Irish guys beat up minorities, not the other way around. Booker was the first ever black guy to hold the title, as black men have no place as champions or on television for that matter.

During 2000, Stevie Ray reformed Harlem Heat with
Big T (also black), and had lawyer J. Biggs strip Huffman of his right to use the letter "T" as part of his name. Throughout this period, Huffman was referred to simply as "Booker". Huffman would eventually completely change his in-ring name, joining General Rection's military-themed Misfits In Action faction as G.I. Bro. He regained his more popular alias shortly before his World Title win. Those types shouldn't be main-eventers!

Black black black black black main event black 1999; Black Black black black black black black black black black black black black black black black black black black black black black. black black black blackblack black black black black black black black black black black black black black 2000 black black black...

(This kinda continues on for awhile. What do you expect of Bill Watts? What, who else would it be? Paul who?)

That ends this week. Well, it's been fun (read: hell on Earth). And with that, let's just get to the usual closing.


Your Friendly Neighborhood Pimp

Just check out the main page, 'cause there's too much good stuff to post it all. One suggestion, however, is an excellent SNME recap from your ever-present owner of a white van that doesn't really have candy. And with that, I roll.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).