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Tissue-Paper and Crime Scene Photos

By Martin Ferguson

 

Martin Ferguson

 

Ariba! No? Eh, whatever. You know, wrestling's tie-ins with music go back many years, with some (Vince and his posse) claiming Sgt. Slaughter was the first to implement it. Which is true, if you ignore the tons of people who came out to music before he did it. I was going to take this opportunity to do Funyuns In The Bank, but I wrote the Van Dam song and it was too good not to roll with the idea.

Musical (Steel) Chairs:

Song: "Because I Got High"
Parody of: "Because I Got High" by Afroman
Artist: Rob Van Dam


It's like, I don't care about nothin man,
Roll another thunder, yeah (oh oh oh),

La da da da da da la, da daaa,
La da da da, la da da da, la da da daaa

I got pushed through the roof until I got high
I was chillin' with Sabu, and then I got high
My career is so messed up and I know why (why man?) yeah hey,
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

La da da da da da da da da

I was gonna lose with class before I got high
My reign could've kicked some ass but I got high
La da da da da da da da da
I'll be jobbin' to Jeff Jarrett and I know why, (why man?) yeah hey,
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

La da da da da da da da da

I was on my way to work when I got high
I even led a rebel promotion but I got high
Now I'm selling dope and I know why (why man?) yeah hey,
Because I got highBecause I got high
Because I got high

La da da da da da da da da

I've gotta go to court because I got high
I'm named after the guy from Bloodsport, and I got high
I don't get a paycheck and I know why (why man?) yeah hey,
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

La da da da da da da da da

I went too fast for the cops because I was high
I got pulled over and stopped and I was high
La da da da da da da da da
Now I am going to TNA and I know why (why man?) yeah hey,
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

La da da da da da da da da

I was gonna man the new boat until I got high
Candice looks like a goat, and I got high
Now I'm going away and I know why (why man?) yeah hey,
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

La da da da da da da da da

I was gonna tag-team with Sabu but then I got high
I was gonna go over Edge too but then I got high
Now I'm heading off and I know why, yeah hey,
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

La da da da da da da da da

I messed up my entire life because I got high
I lost EC-dub because I got high
Now I'm moving to Orlando and I know why (why man?) yeah hey,
Because I got highBecause I got high
Because I got high

La da da da da da da da da

I'm gonna stop holding this belt because I'm high
I'm living with the cards delt because I'm high
And if I'm in Ultimate-X I'll know why (why man?) yeah hey,
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

La da da da da da, La da da da

Song: "Job"
Parody of: "Bleed" by Puddle of Mudd
Artist: Jeff Jarrett


You could beat me maybe once
But I'll get heat back, son
Don't think that you're the one
That has really won
Why don't you just pin me now
And I'll kill your career how
I think I'm getting tired of being seven
Being seven away

Now you're gonna job for me
Now you're gonna job for me
Job for me

Lock in your legs, the figure four
You won't kick out of the Stroke this night
Don't pick a fight with the man who's always right
I go for a sleeper when I ache
I usually lie right through my teeth
My waist the title is around
I break guitars over your head

Now you're gonna job for me
Now you're gonna job for me
Now you're gonna job for me
Job for me

There's something missing
I know it's missing againAnd I know you're tired
Cause I'll never go away
There's something missing
I keep on counting
Everyone's dissing me
Back and forth, and I
Think I'm getting tired of everything
Job for me

You could beat me maybe once
But I'll get heat back, son
Don't think that you're the one
That has really won

Now you're gonna job for me
Now you're gonna job for me
Now you're gonna job for me
Now you're gonna job for me
Job for me, bury you

Job for me
Yeah, you know I bury you

Song: "The End Has Come (For Your Push)"
Parody of: "The End Has Come" by Ben Moody
Artist: Undertaker


Four world titles all that I had
My character's the walking dead
Killing is exempt for me
What is one use to take off work

Now to bring the pain
I'll destroy all I disdain
I'll bury what I despise
Killing someone else's push

(Don't ever lie down)

Don't ever lie down
Don't ever do a job
The end has come
So now I come for you

Now obsession rules my mind
The very thought makes me blindSearching out who ever runs
Faster than this zombie

But I've already said

Don't ever lie down
Don't ever do the job
The end has come
So I come for you

AHHHHH

I sell for nothing
I live in tired breath
I can't sell anything
I live to see you to your death

A new guy with me
As might be just as quick
Through your tortuned expense
Cause I'll never lie down

Don't ever lie down
Don't ever do the job
The end has come
So now I come for you

(Don't lie down)

I'll hold you down
I'll plant you in the ground
The end has come
So now I come for you

DON'T LIE DOWN!

Song: "Gotta Six-Pack"
Parody of: "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot
Artist: Chris Masters


I have small nuts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
And when a girl walks in with an itty bitty pill
And a needle in your arm
You get strong
Wanna pull up toughCause you noticed you look like Buff
Deep in the jeans I'm wearin
I'm hooked and I can't stop shooting
Oh, baby I wanna hit with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that body I got
Makes me so horny
Ooh, diamond-cut skin
I say Wellness will bend
Well use me use me Cause you addicted homey

I've seen me bangin',
To hell with trainin'
I sweat, wet, got it goin like a turbo vette

I'm tired of Internet
Saying Cruisers are the thing
Take the average big man and ask him that
He gotta pack much mass

So writas (yeah) writas (yeah)
Has your monster got the meat (hell yeah)
Tell him flex it, flex it, flex it, flex it, flex it flex that healthy rack
Gotta six-pack

They like 'em built like a hill
And when I'm taking that pill
I just can't help myself
I'm actin like The Animal
Now here's my scandal

They wanna get me home
And ugh, rehab uhh, uhh
I aint talkin bout maybe
Cause contract's on the line baby
I wan' em real thick and shiny
So find that point double
Masters is in trouble
Beggin for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at Lex videos
Knocked knees walking slow
I can crush them jobbos
I broke Stevie T's nose
A word to the thick skull dissas
I wanna get it on ya
I won't cus or hit yaBut I gotta be straight when I say I wanna lock
Til the hand goes down
Gotta keep it keep it on
A lot of Peeps won't like this song
Cause them Punks lie to jump and hit it
But I'd rather stay and play
Cause I'm long and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the 'nelson on

So bookers (yeah), bookers (yeah)
I'll even Masterlock the ladies (yeah)
Then turn around
Stick them out
Then they start to shout
Gotta six-pack

Yeah baby
When it comes to males
Swing them every direction
Same old hits, same old hits
You're gonna job to me

So Van Dam rolls a Thunda
Getting high inside a Honda
But Honda ain't got nothin' on my Thunda
My freakish arms want to lock it on
You can do side bends or sit-ups, but you won't break that lock
Some brothers wanna play that hard role
And tell you that the bod ain't gold
So they trash it and bash it
And I pull up quick to break it
Some homo wants some talent
Well I ain't down with that
Cause your arms small and your moves are jumpin
And I'm thinkin bout quittin
To the kayfabe games in the magazines
You ain't it miss thing
Give me a mista, I can hurt 'im
Green and heavy didn't hurt me
Some knucklehead tried to dis
Cause my push is on the list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to lock it on 'em
So ladies the arms are round
And you wanna Triple-H throw down
Dial 1-900-Masterlock and kick them smarky thoughts
Gotta six-pack

Little in the middle but I got a nice rack
Little in the middle but I got a nice rack
Little in the middle but I got a nice rack
Little in the middle but I got a nice rack

Question of the Week... still got no e-mails. Damn.

Pimping With the Stars

Joe Merrick makes his triumphant return to recapping, while also along with James Walker giving us a sneak peek of Van Dam and Sabu's day in court. Meanwhile, Gersh continues to summarize an ECW that is filled almost entirely with WWE guys in Alliance Circa 2006. Cameron also does a shortened but still entertaining Raw recap, and Remy watches Impact so you don't have to.

 
*Rob & Silent 'Bu picture created by Sean Carless

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).