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Tissue-Paper and Crime Scene Photos

By Martin Ferguson

 

Martin Ferguson

 

 

Hola bitcholla. A lot of people (read: none) have asked me where this expression comes from, so I thought that I might tell you: it’s something Cartman’s hand says in that episode of South Park named Fat-Butt and Pancake-Head with Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. The more you know. *shooting star*

 

Anyway, let’s cut to the chase. The wrestling industry as a whole is generally a subculture all its own, not leaving room for much branching out. Very rarely will you see Steve Austin making a cameo on anything besides old episodes of Nash Bridges and Celebrity Deathmatch (by the way, anyone else looking forward to that Chris Rock vs. The Rock fight?), and you will not see Jeff Jarrett asked to do a commercial for Nike like nearly every other major and minor sports star.

 

But wrestling isn’t the only one of these subcultures, oh no, and therein lies the problem: wrestling requires you to suspend disbelief past humor poorly translated from Vince’s mind to the average human being’s, past the idea that only one place on Earth contains all the guys who can turn stuff into worms and set things on fire by raising their arms, past the idea that Jeff Jarrett always has a guitar on-hand for whatever reason and at the same time enjoys using it as a weapon, past the concept of poor writing that tries to appeal past its core audience and fails miserably, and past the idea that if no holds are barred in a fight, a cookie sheet and a ladder would be viable choices for weapons rather than something that would actually be halfway useful like a baseball bat.

 

Wait a second... I’m fairly certain there IS such another group out there. When in doubt, go with the Independence Day route. Hmm... wrestling. Wrestling’s main show of the year is Wrestlemania. Wrestlemania is a big show. The Big Show is big, like Akebono. Akebono’s a sumo wrestler. Sumo wrestling is big in Japan. Japan is the home of anime. Anime contains all these elements!

 

Wrestling Goes Anime!

 

I’m sure I know the question that’s on your mind right now: what wrestlers would belong in what animes? Well, simply put, that’s what I’m here for. When no original title is listed, I kept the original title. Why did I put the original title? So that you can look this stuff up and know just how insanely stupid it really is.

 

Double-JLCL starring Jeff Jarrett (FLCL): The story revolves around a young boy reaching maturity in a world surrounded by giant robots emerging from his forehead, all of this triggered when an alien chick hits him in the head with a Rickenbacker bass while driving by on a Vespa. See, there’s your first Jeff Jarrett connection right there! Jarrett knows tons about turning boys into men, as shown by his abilities to make Planet Jarrett huge... as long as they stay one level below him, of course. And Jarrett wouldn’t even need fancy costumes or robot helpers to defeat the evil robots– he could just hit them with the Stroke. Even if he did, by some small chance, lose, he’d get his win back before the end of the episode anyway! Besides, Jeff Jarrett was born in Nashville, which is about as alien to the rest of the country as it gets.

 

Eureka Seven! starring Triple-H and Jeff Jarrett: The original show revolves around a rebel group in a futuristic robot fighting world... but that has nothing to do with the plot of this show. Instead, this will chronicle Triple-H’s race with Jeff Jarrett to get seven more world title runs to his credit, all while Ric Flair continually tries to point out that he actually has 25 world titles and nobody listens.

 

Fallevangelion starring Christopher Daniels (Neon Genesis Evangelion): From Fallen Angel to Forgotten Push, watch Christopher Daniels’ career slowly die down from a foreshadowed NWA title feud with Jeff Jarrett down to being in a loser tag-team that’s keeping the titles warm as he’s manipulated at every turn. Spoiler: the world blows up at the end, with only Daniels, Aaron Aguilera, and the old Los Conquistadors outfits left.

 

Heelish Legend Killer of St. Louis starring Randy Orton (Heroic Legend of Arslan): The WWE is divided into two separate groups, each feuding to get better ratings because it’s not like people can watch different wrestlings shows on different nights of the week or anything. Only one man is capable of jumping back and forth at will between the two shows with no real logic explaining why, and only he can reunite the WWE... unless any women leave their gym bags unattended nearby, then he tends to run to get toilet paper for some reason.

 

He Is My Master starring Pat Patterson and Sylvan Griener: Okay, I had to make that joke. Sue me.

 

I’m Gonna Be An Angel! starring Tim White: Maybe one day, Tim. Maybe one day.

 

Ghost Raper Mysterio starring Eddie Guerrero & Friends (Ghost Sweeper Mikami): With all the deaths over the years in wrestling, many ghosts have lost their previously sacred residence in the boiler rooms of arenas worldwide due to overcrowding. Course, that could also be due to Mick Foley being back, but that’s not important. With this in mind, the group of Rey Mysterio, Chavo Guerrero, and Chris Benoit got together with the ghost of their old friend Eddie, who made them a deal that he would lie to ghosts and cheat them into getting caught by Rey, Chavo, and Chris’s new ghost-hunting business.

 


King Booker and the Knights of the McDonald’s Table starring King Booker and The Knights Who Say “You Suck!” (King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table): In his on-going attempts to 1), break through the glass ceiling, and 2), get a Soquid he can eat with a Fpoon, King Booker will be forced to resort to inviting his knights to the McDonald’s nearby. Thrill as an entire series is spent with King Booker, Stevie Ray, Queen Sharmell, Fit Finlay, the leprechaun, William Regal, and Ahmed Johnson sitting around in McDonald’s, telling stories and feasting on greasy burgers and watered-down Diet Coke.

 

Tokyo Undertaker starring Christian Cage and Tyson Tomko (Tokyo Underground): When Christian Cage and his bodyguard Tyson Tomko escape from an evil organization while on a tour of Tokyo, they take refuge with Dixie Carter and her employees. But soon, the organization sends one of its oldest members to bring Cage and Tomko back and sacrifice them to the Higher Power, whoever that might be.

 

Loveless starring John Cena and Simon Dean: One day, John Cena meets Simon Dean, fitness guru who claims to have beaten him for the OVW title once. The two discover that a chunk of Cena’s life from 2000 until early 2004 has been mysteriously forgotten about, and the two must together figure out what happened to Cena’s memories of having talent, and what happened between 2000 and 2004 that has caused Cena to lose almost all of his fan base now.

 

Big Show starring Big Show (Big O): Wrestler by day, food critic by night, the Big Show lives in a world where the events of the early 1990's seem to have been forgotten by all, not a sole gimmick from that era having survived. Big Show uses his spare time in an attempt to discover the secret to the mystery, and find out where he was in 1994 and how the hell he wound up being in Waterboy and eventually in a cheap knock-off of ECW, jobbing in a battle-royal to Sabu.

 

Rob Vandread starring Rob Van Dam (Vandread): In a bleak future where men and women occupy separate worlds, a group of Divas from Planet Silicone attempt to hijack a male warcraft named Vanguard. As they attack, all but one of the men flee. This particular man, with the last of his strength, uses a missile to blow both ships into a wormhole, combining them in another section of the universe. As it turns out, however, one more man, Rob Van Dam, had gotten high in the back of the ship and was spinning the belt and laughing during the attack. Now, Rob, along with females Trish Stratus, Mickie James, Maria, Melina, and Beth Phoenix, must find a way home.

 

I’ll Make a Habit Of It starring Jeff Hardy: Punch, punch, kick, kick, dropkick, legdrop, repeat 3 times, miss Swanton, do job, smoke pot. 


 

Question of the Week... will debut next week. For now, send all of your wrestling-related plot-holes, as well as all of your praise, suggestions, shills, constructive criticism, and credit card numbers to yogizmo330@cs.com. Winners of question of the week will receive an answer as discovered by my local wrestling expert, Loa Dove Shiite, in the column, and there could be more than one question if they’re good enough. With that said, let’s get to the...

 

PIMPAGE OF DOOM

 

Gersh takes recapping to the extreme, while Cameron makes Raw far more entertaining than it ever could be on its own. Rounding out the spectrum is Remy, who dies for our sins in recapping both Smackdown and Impact, which is a miracle akin to walking on water and turning water into wine.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).