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By Martin Ferguson

 

Martin Ferguson

 

Hola bitcholla! Here I am in my not-really-debut column! After throwing around such awe-inspiring column names as “Hive Muckle Ruckle” and “Putting the Fun in Funeral” (seriously, I considered both), I did what the dozens (and dozens!) of fans of Katie Vick would want me to do and decided on a necrophilia reference. And what’s really scary is I just typed that with two l’s and it was auto-corrected. Yes, MICROSOFT WORD HAS NECROPHILIA ON AUTOCORRECT. That’s comedy.

 

Okay, I’ll tell you a little about my wrestling experiences. I’ve been to two wrestling shows, Invasion and that Smackdown taping last week. What, I live in West Virginia. Nobody lives here, so nobody comes by. Anyway, I used to tape episodes of WWE Excess every week and watch them often, I have an awe-inspiring action figure collection consisting of Vince McMahon, Chyna, the Hardy Boyz, Raven, Undertaker, Kurt Angle, The Rock, a ladder, and a ring. I have a DVD collection consisting of everything from The Ultimate Ric Flair Collection to The Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior to Backlash 2002, and actually paid money to go see See No Evil on its debut night and enjoyed myself more than I did when I saw Da Vinci Code earlier in the day (hey, SNE’s a lot better than Hogan’s shitty movies). And I own every WWE CD since WWF: The Music Volume 3, with the exception of Volume 5. I even own WWE Originals and yes, it’s true that only two songs on it are even halfway decent and those are Basic Thuganomics and Don’t You Wish You Were Me?. The CD’s still better than WWF Aggression.

 

But I digress. Let’s get on with what you really came for, which is not my stupid-ass life but other people’s stupid ass lives! Say, that concept sounds familiar…

 

Okay, fuck the segways, let me cut to the chase: for a man who has traveled the world, who has supposedly made more money as an actor than any other wrestler (at least so he claims- seriously, he once claimed in an interview his movie career was more successful than the Rock. Hell, I’m pretty sure Roddy Piper made more money off They Live than Hogan did off of his entire movie career), who has a “barn door back,” and was the “first to ever lift Andre the Giant (not really),” Hulk Hogan’s life is incredibly boring. Let me describe the whopping four plots lines for Hogan knows best:

-          Hogan tries something new.

-          Hulk and Linda have marriage troubles.

-          Brooke gets a date and Hogan acts like a paranoid asshole.

-          Nick does something.

 

And as an added bonus, the Hulkster is a picture-perfect representation of a man who thinks he’s a lot bigger on the grand scale of things than he actually is. Sure, he’s a wrestling legend (albeit an undeserving one when so many more talented guys never reached his level), but that doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things, and yet Hogan, much like Vince McMahon, believes himself to be beyond the sport, which isn’t the case at all.

 

Anyhoo, Hogan knows his life is incredibly boring, and so, with the help of his money formerly being spent on feeding tons of animals, he plans to launch he and his family INTO SPACE.

 

Hogan Knows Best: The Next Generation

 

Because, much like reality shows, Star Trek has way too many incarnations, VH1 and the Hulkster have decided to combine the two concepts. In fact, the Orange Goblin has even decided to bring a few wrestling legends with him into space to help establish relationships with other life-forms.

 

Jimmy Hart: Where would Hulk Hogan be without Jimmy Hart? Why, he’d have one less guy kissing his ass of course, and that’s completely unacceptable! Hart’s primary missions in this voyage are to 1), entertain the Hulkster with his singing of Real American and Girls in Cars, and 2), tell Hogan how he totally hated managing the Hart Foundation and that managing Hulk and Ed Leslie was by far the highlight of his career, next to appearing on the Hulk Rules CD.

 

Jerry Lawler: The King is setting his sights on conquering an area other than Memphis, and that is the final frontier! Lawler prefers the idea of the incomprehensible speech of Martians over the incomprehensible speech of a fat redneck from Oklahoma, and thus his primary goal on the ship is as Earth’s official representative to all extra-terrestrials. After all, he is clearly generous as seen by his AWE-INSPIRING ability to book himself to have more title runs than anyone else, ever, and, given his experiences with Coach and Joey Styles, he definitely has experiences working with both green men and little men, so both together shouldn’t be so bad. Just keep him away from Brooke and all will be fine.

 

Ultimate Warrior: Why, you ask, would the Hulkster bring along this nutcase? Simple. The next invitee has all the tools needed to make the Ultimate Warrior’s ramblings the most entertaining thing in-or-out-of this world!

 

Scott Hall: Bringing the booze, it’s Razor Ramon! Not only does the man carry around enough beer to last Scotland (Scottland?) for six years, he’s had so much of it in his system that his piss can pass for liquor and his blood for wine! His real value, however, is that he, as the founding member of the NWO, is wanting to extend its reach even further! Remember NWO: Japan? Get ready for NWO: Mercury!

 

Kevin Nash: Slow, huge, and injury-prone. Much like the Hulkster himself! Kevin Nash brings with him hatred for Cruiserweights/ X-Division that surpasses that of the Hulkster himself! But Nash’s real value comes from his passion for the Big Boot. Why fix a satellite with a wrench when you kick it into submission? And if an alien race fails to cooperate, he and Hall can beat up its leader and spray-paint his back with the letters NWO.

 

John Cena: Nobody on Earth wants him, so send him to space! Besides, then we couldn’t see him!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).