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Tissue-Paper and Crime Scene Photos

By Martin Ferguson

 

Martin Ferguson

 

Greetings. I’m hoping none of you have any motherfucking stingrays (not to be confused with Raysting, the mutant crossbreed between Sting & Team 3D’s Brother Ray, or Stingrey, the name for Rey Mysterio’s penis) in your motherfucking water. Seriously though, R.I.P. Steve Irwin. You had more balls than most people have brain cells. Yes, I’m talking about you. You know who you are.

The Coroner’s Table: Volume 2

Ahmed Johnson Is Gay?: Makes me wonder exactly what kind of "Domination" the Nation was up to all those years ago.

Shelton Benjamin: My sources tell me Mr. Benjamin was afraid of the dark when he was a child. He’d even pass out from fear every time he looked in the mirror.

Speaking of Gay: I could make a million jokes about Kanyon’s most recent rant, but I’d rather let Chris K (Chris Gay?) say it himself. Credit to PWInsider.com for this:

Chris Kanyon has posted his reasons for why attended last night's WWE house show in Tampa, FL last night on his blog today. For those who didn't read the house show report, he came through the crowd down to ringside during DX's match and yelled at Shawn Michaels and Triple H before he was removed by security.

In his blog, he cites the beginning of the end for him was when he returned from injury to the Smackdown taping on 2/11/03. He wrote, " It was my return to national TV after many months recovering from injury as well as many months helping with the WWE's training system, Ohio Valley Wrestling (OVW), in Louisville, KY. After so much time off TV, instead of any build up and fanfare for my return, the WWE had me dress up as a known homosexual (Boy George), come out of a large crate in the middle of the ring (a closet, so to speak), sing in a very effeminate voice ("sing like a fag" I was told by the agent/creative person assigned by Vince McMahon to me and this "storyline,"), and take a very physical, stiff beating from the Undertaker including 3 extremely brutal and UNSAFE chair shots to the small of the back and the top of the head."

He said that he believed he was booked in this way due to "my possible plans, at the time, to come out of the closet nationally. Prior to my comeback, I had several discussions with people within the WWE about coming out, and I am sure it got back to Vince. Instead of just telling me that he would prefer it if I didn't come out, I believe he set up this angle as a message to me. I can't say that for sure, but if it wasn't a message, it was an incredible coincidence. Following this incident I was very rarely on Smackdown or Raw, and was pretty much beaten every week until I was fired. I guess everyone can draw his/her own conclusions."
He then added, "Now, as recently as a few weeks ago, my goal was to return to the WWE, I guess in some ways not wanting to believe that I was really fired because I was gay. But I was curious. Several attempts to contact and talk to the WWE about a possible return went unanswered. And in trying to find out about the potential for a return, I found out from people within the WWE that my suspicions about being fired because I was gay, according to them, were correct. One person high up on the corporate side confirmed that Vince knew that I was gay and that was at least part of the reason that I was released. This person told me that Vince has said in the past, "it is my company, and I can hire and fire whoever I want for whatever reason I want." And, although morally I do not agree with that statement, in some ways I see his point and in some ways I agree with him….if it was a private company. But the WWE is a public company, and Vince's top priority should be turning a profit for his stockholders. He should not allow any of his personal animosity or prejudices towards any groups or individuals affect decisions that may affect potential profit for his stockholders. But that is just my opinion."

He went on to say why he showed up at the house show last night. "I decided to attend the show because I was frustrated with my inability to hear from Vince McMahon on whether what I had heard was true or not. If I found out from him that it was true, I would have to move on with my life. There would be no attempted lawsuits (I really don't believe in them) and I believe I would really have no hard feelings. I would just know it was my time to move on. Everything happens for a reason, and I would take this as a sign that there are other things for me to do out there. It would give me closure to a great chapter in my life. On the other hand, if it is not true, I would like one more run. I miss wrestling in the WWE and I feel I still have something to offer. But, thus far, I have not heard from Vince. So I decided to bring 2 signs to the house show. "HHH, PLEASE ASK VINCE WHY HE REALLY FIRED ME" and since that really didn't let Vince know what I was thinking. "SHAWN PLEASE PRAY FOR MY GAY SOUL." I intentionally did not do this during the match out of respect to Shawn and HHH, since I would never want to distract from anyone's match."

For those who say, "this was all done to get people talking", he said, "And that was that. Not a publicity ploy, as some will accuse."

Rated Religious Superstar: Originally planned to be a column all it’s own, but I had a realization while coming up with ideas: Edge isn’t interesting enough to make a whole column of these things. Anyway...

If Edge were God...
... Walmart would be replaced as the number one store by Lowes.
... the song TLCASAP would take on an entirely new meaning.
... all abortions would be performed with a steel chair.
... Christians would be referred to as Peeps.
... all preachers would be required to be injured three times per year.
... Olympic diving would be done from steel ladders.
... the only outlawed religion in the world would be Mattitude.

Twist of Swanton Fate Bomb: So Jeff Hardy’s back, and already Jim Ross is miscalling the names of his moves. On that note, what the fuck is a Swanton anyway, and where did he/she/it get bombs from? At least the Kenton Bomb has an actual word for a name. Speaking of Kenton...

KEN-AH-DAY = CHAM-PI-AHN: So KEN-AH-DAY finally has gold, huh? So, considering JBL’s promos talking about how he’d fix the economy if he were United States champion, does this mean Kennedy’s going to try to end the brand extension? I can see it now: "Mr. McMahon, tear down this wall! KEN-AH-DAY!"

Boogeyman w/ Worms vs. Vito w/ wish that he was w/o worm: The roster for this year’s Smackdown vs. Raw has been revealed, and it is the most awesome roster ever for a WrestleCrap fan. Boogeyman! Great Khali! Mizark Henry! Paul Burchill! Umaga! Vito! Arman- No Armando? Damn.

DX’s New T-Shirt: Vince loves a picture of a chicken? I don’t get it.

Nicole Bass: World Wrestling Insanity, or "Nicole Bass" for short, is a book you should all check out. Definitely. In addition to brilliant photoshops such as Triple-H as The Statue of Adam and WrestleMania 80's definite-***** main-event, there’s also some great writing in there. From Bob the salesman shitting in the new assistant’s lunchbox to Vince McMahon being chosen by Galoogore to lead the fight for control over humanity, this book is awesome.

When Wrestling Gets Religious: Professional wrestlers have a habit of turning to religion at some point in their lives, either before they break into the business, during their time working within it, or after retirement. Shawn Michaels, Sting, and Ted DiBiase are all well-known Christians, Goldberg’s religion is wildly known (not Santaism, err, Satanism), and Muhammed Hassan is a... Buddhist. Huh. Anyhoo, that leads us to today’s column: what religious figures would be played by what wrestlers?

God: Creator of all things, he who is never wrong and loves all men equally. Sounds a lot like Double-J to me, if you change it slightly to: "Creator of all things TNA, he who never admits he’s wrong, and buries all men equally".

Moses: Moses would be played by Edge. Whereas Moses parted the Dead Sea and led the Jews to freedom, Edge parted Lita’s legs and led his sperm to freedom. Both used abilities readily available to any man, Moses with possession of God’s power and Edge with possession of a penis.

Thor: Do I really need to say it, or is the fur-wearing, hammer-carrying, Conan-mimicking, and beard-wearing to subtle for you?

Fujin: The Japanese God of Wind, according to Japanese mythology one of the oldest gods. Obviously this would be Ric Flair, due to his age (what is he, 140?) and often being ‘winded’.

Mohammad: I could go the wise-ass way and say Muhammed Hassan, but I’m going to take the high-route and say John Cena. Why? Because you can’t see him!

Contest: Last time I said I'd be announcing Tissue-Paper & Crime Scene Photos first contest, and here it is. E-mail me at either yogizmo330@cs.com or johncenamustdie@yahoo.com with your best feud ideas between one WWECW star and one legend, living or dead. Whoever comes up with the feuds that are the funniest get mentioned in the next column.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).