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TWF Top 5: Gimmicks That Need to Return!

by Robert Zarp

August 25, 2011

Hey, yo, chicos. I'm Robert Zarp, and welcome to my newest edition of the TWF Top 5. Someone not in the middle decided to steal some of my thunder, so I may pursue columns on this site in a different format, but I did promise this article at the end of my previous edition. Remember back in the early 1990s, when the USA was enduring a recession and many wrestlers reflected society by having a second job, with The Goon and Duke “The Dumpster” Droese as examples. Horrible, putrid examples. Point being, flash forward 20 years, and the USA is enduring another recession, but the wrestlers seem to have distanced themselves from gimmicks. Not withstanding, the gimmick does individualize professional wrestlers, and help differentiate one wrestler from another. Since WWE likes to just take the clones out of the molding at FCW and place them on TV right away (rumor has it the excess material is scraped up and used to make new divas), we as fans are faced with many bland “entertainers.” The gimmick could make some of these wrestlers entertaining...but which ones? Let's find out in my newest edition of the TWF Top 5: Gimmicks That Need to Return!

#5. Goldust as...Goldust?

Goldust? What? He's still under contract to WWE, so why would he even be on the list? Well simply put, Goludst has lost his gimmick over the years, and is now simply a veteran wrestler on the roster who sometimes makes appearances on Superstars to lose to people you don't even know. Goldust was a creative character though, and while his innuendos later in his career might not fit the PG product, you could still get away with quite a bit of the original character. Innuendo might not fit...sounds like a personal problem Pat Patterson has faced quite a bit, and I know, that joke is old and outdated, but I digress. A villainous man that often quoted the leading lady from classic cinema, surrounded by an air of controversy and vagueness was intriguing. This could even lead to a feud with his brother Cody over who's the prettiesth sonth of Big Dusth bay beh, if you weeeel. No word yet on who would be funky like a monkey, and who would be livin' on the end of a lightnin' bolth. Ok so maybe this was just an excuse to make fun of the American Dream's lisp, but in all honesty, the original character of Goldust was truly legendary.

#4. Mike Chioda as...”Dangerous” Danny Davis

The idea of a referee as a wrestler is not as absurd as one may think, as the World Wrestling Federation tested this idea out with the heel ref, one “Dangerous” Danny Davis. Davis basically helped the Hart Foundation, then heels, defeat The British Bulldogs. So, with this being wrestling, the obvious solution was to give him a pin stripe unitard, and put him in there as an active competitor. However, Davis was a trained wrestler, even competing as the elusive super jobber Mr. X for the very same promotion. So how does Mike Chioda fit into all this? Lest we forget, it was over 10 years ago but Chioda did learn the People's Elbow from The Rock to defeat that dastardly slow counter, Nick Patrick, and just recently, he was suspended for a violation of the wellness policy. Is he juicing? I think so. I think after this many years, he's ready to be a professional wrestler, and with how WWE likes to just push people nonsensically, why would this be any different? He trended on Twitter...for like 5 minutes. That's at least a week as WWE Champion, right? Oh laugh and mock me now, but when you conjure up memories of David Arquette, Vince Russo, and Vince McMahon's world championship reigns, your laughter will soon turn to tears. Don't worry, I'm already there.

#3. Colt Cabana as...Matt Classic

Yes, this is somewhat obscure. Yes, this is kinda repetitive. No, I don't care. In the short-lived and totally undervalued wrestling show Wrestling Society X, Colt Cabana donned a mask and was a throwback to the wrestlers of old as Matt Classic. As weak as that pun is, his execution of the old chain wrestling sequences as well as his taunts and mannerisms made this character so thoroughly entertaining. The idea of a masked wrestler who truly believes he is from the 1950s and is just doing all these corny things was truly...classic. Well, I figured if there was ever a time for a bad pun, this entry certainly gave me lead way for such an occurrence. Whether it was Impact Wrestling or WWE that would implement this idea, Colt proved before that he could make this character work, and we as fans would only benefit if he were given another chance to return to national television with this gimmick in tact. Oh and he was one of the few wrestlers in WSX to never get exploded by like a tank of piranhas, so that's always a plus.

#2. John Cena as...ANYTHING

He's the Champ! Ok but what about when he loses the title? He doesn't call himself the challenger, right? He just incessantly calls himself the champ, denying the reality that faces him on a daily basis. As a character, John Cena really doesn't have one anymore, as he lost the white bred rapping, he lost the giant padlock on a chain, the throwback jerseys, and even the fake military gear. He's been a rapping, farming, basketball loving marine, but really, as dumb as that sounds, anything would be better than having a constant reminder that even without a championship belt, he'll be champion again soon enough. Cena has the capability to be entertaining, should he ever stray from the PG poop jokes and actually develop some kind of character other than “I want my shiny toy back.” No wonder kids so easily connect with the man, eh?

#1. Randy Orton as...Waylon Mercy

Lives are gonna be in Waylon Mercy's hands, ya know what I mean? Heh. Dan Spivey was in the WWF shortly as this character, known as Waylon Mercy, as we continue the trend of bad puns as ring names. In recent years, thanks to hindsight, there are fans who saw the genius of the gimmick Vince was wanting to implement for Spivey. Taken right from Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear, Waylon was a peaceful man, quiet and kind, polite, and he'd even shake the hands of his opponent and the referee. However, once the match began, the crazy eyes would roll over, much like the sweaty date rape frat guy at a kegger, and Waylon would just demolish his opponent, sometimes even apologizing for his actions. He was sadistic yet polite, violent yet peaceful...if Dan was never injured, who knows where the character would have ended up. Most likely nowhere since Vince has always had the habit of pushing and forgetting people, but in a better scenario, we could imagine the success with their Friday Night golden child...Randy Orton. He's supposed to be a viper, a cold blooded killer, but with the way he spazzes out, the idea of being like a snake seems out of place. Besides, he's not from Stone Mountain, GA. He doesn't have the pornstache. Orton as a guy that's trying to be polite and friendly, yet acts sadistic and maniacal in the ring, would seem better suited than as a reticulated reptile that had a few too many cups of coffee before the fight. It would also explain the voices in his head...if only he'd listen to the ones that said “You need to find talent.”

Honorable mentions go to Orton as TL Hopper, in honor of those times he used to shit in diva gym bags; Titus O'Neil as Faarooq Aasad since Faarooq was kinda like a gladiator, and Titus calls his finisher Clash of the Titus; and Hornswoggle as Cheatum the Evil Midget, all you'd need to do is give him an eyepatch and let him try to blow up John Cena's speedboat, and I bet people would embrace him again. I have no idea what to to do for my next article, but I have plenty of ideas. Will they be funny? Well if the 4th Fall is still featured on this site, I have faith that people will still read my columns. That's right, in this article y'all gon' get got! That's all for now, and to paraphrase the long forgotten Mike Adamle, this has been Robert Zarp, and I bid you an uno, dos, adios!

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).