Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

Top 5 Summerslam'11 Moments Ruined by Immediate BS

by Malcolm Not in the Middle

August 18, 2011


Howdy people. Malcolm not in the Middle here for a different sort of rant from now on. As of now, I no longer cover WWE NXT for TWF, but I'm going to continue to contribute in a different sort of rant. Yes, gone are my rants about how Titus O'Neil is a Leprechaun Sucking Parasite... and it feels good to expand on my repertoire a little. I'm very excited to see what happens from here on out.

Well, Summerslam is over... and I'm pretty fucking indifferent about the whole thing. Its like everything they did to make it exciting or give us a moment, they gave us something in return that fucking sucked. The result is I felt nothing for the event. I wasn't excited, I wasn't pissed... it was just complete indifference from me. I'll admit they got me really curious to see what happened on RAW; but the show itself was a letdow. So this bring us to the first subject of my new column!

Top 5 Summerslam'11 Moments Ruined by Immediate BS

An Dishonorable Mention goes to the fact that I ordered I PPV, but got an episode of Raw in return. In other words, why the hell were so many freaking commercials?! I thought I was paying for this show?!

5. The Divas actually wrestle a good match, but the wrong one goes over.

When a Divas title match was revealed for Summerslam, admit it you laughed. I mean lets face it, the days of greats like Trish, Lita, Molly Holly, and Victoria are long behind us unfortunately. WWE doesn't look for wrestlers, they look for models for the Divas division. Sadly, even when they get gems like Beth, Gail Kim, and Natalya, they still tend to focus on the models who don't know what they're doing. And over time their role on TV has become less and less. The brief period of Raw Guest hosts (along with the Bellas especially during this time) sent the Divas back a bit as well. They went from "Powerful. Sexy. Smart" to a pair of breasts. Worst yet, their match time has been getting less and less as well. We used to call them piss breaks, but you barely have time for even that now!

When Beth turned heel, it was awesome. Not only was it the first real storyline that the division has had in months (Sorry, but the Bellas being bitches is not a storyline!) but the fans are really behind Beth. Whether WWE wants to admit it or not, the fans blew up when she said she was going to wipe out all the bimbos from WWE. Which finally proves that "Yes... there are people sick of Kelly Kelly." I would dare say what Punk is to the guys; Beth is becoming to the Divas. Her beating Kelly Kelly could be the start of a really awesome angle. With Natalya by her side, there would have been no shame in Kelly Kelly dropping the belt to Beth. It could have been awesome...

But what did we get? To be fair, the match was really good. It got a nice amount of time, and both ladies looked great. I felt both were a credit to their division, though really needs to stop yelling at EVERYTHING. Beth is very much dominating Kelly, gets her up for the Glamaslam, but Kelly reverses, 1-2-3. Kelly retains, and so much for killing off bimbos.

I really thought this was a mistake. Beth was really getting big, and the lose would not have hurt Kelly. Plus, I didn't like that they were this quick to reveal Beth isn't invincible, thus sorta killing the whole Divas of Doom gimmick. The good news is... this is very recoverable. As of last Raw, it looks like the angle is still going, with a possible rematch at Night of Champions. There is still hope for the Divas of Destruction, despite the lousy start.

4. Miz wrestles his first match at Summerslam, but its in a stupid 6 man tag.

When Miz jumped Rey Mysterio, and angrily proclaimed that it was BS that he didn't have a match at Summerslam; it was (no pun intended) awesome. He has a valid point, as at that point he had never wrestle at not just that event, but any Summerslam in the history of the event since he started. Considering he just wrestle in the main event of Wrestlemania (and retained) this point was big deal. Add his WWE.com video, where he venomously proclaimed that "He will be at Summerslam!" It raised many to speculate as to what he'd do. Would he (and maybe R-Truth) run in on the CM Punk/John Cena match and steal the belts? Or even form an alliance with Del Rio to take the belts away from the "Corporate" champ, and start a new rogue stable? Maybe he'd fight some newcomer? Maybe Rey was healthy after all, and they'd blow the roof off the arena?

What did we get? Miz comes out... and wrestles in a six-man. Thats it. Doesn't even do anything in the main event, and in fact, loses his first and only Summerslam match. Worst yet, Raw the next night, Miz is in a stupid segment with Jared from Subway. We're talking about a man who main evented and won at Wrestle-Fucking-Mania, and the creative has no idea how to use him. That's garbage...

Its an unfortunate causality thanks to that emergency draft that was done once Edge retired. Smackdown got Orton, and Raw got... everyone else really. With Punk and Cena now fighting for the top spot, where does that leave guys like Miz and Truth? Guys who should be in the Main Event scene but can't? I'd just draft them to Smackdown, who needs high level heels at this point. I digress, Miz is one of my favorites and its a damn shame the best they could think of was to give him a sandwich on RAW. Hopefully, they think of something for him.

3. Edge returns, but returns to bury Christian.

Edge has been one of my favorites for long time, so it was very depressing for me when he retired. However, I am proud of him for saving him money and getting out before he did any further damage to his neck. Its nice when a wrestler leaves with a bit of respect. I'm happy for him, and wish him the best. Least I could do after some many memories.

Considering how much it hurts his neck to travel, I consider it a big deal when he shows up on TV. So it was nice to see him again as Christian's big "WWE changing event"... how a guest spot by Edge accomplishes that, I'm not sure. Off the bat... I knew it wasn't going to go well. Once you retire, you're pretty much a Perma-Face, and Christian was a big time heel. The annoying thing about this? Edge was such a hypocrite. He basically attacks Christian for being heel. An insult so freaking hypocritical; its on par with Big Daddy V calling you fat. Edge pretty much wrote the book on being a cowardly heel, so for him to mouth off on Christian for it was stupid.

I would have been fine if Christian could deck Edge for being a dick. I mean he agrees to be in Christian's corner, endures the pain to fly to LA, and shows up to the match... just to tell Christian to go fuck himself? Really? Then he runs away before Christian can even defend himself (either physically or verbally), and yet Christian is the coward? And yes, I know. Edge can't take a bumps, so Christian can't do anything. In which case, they should have just left Edge off the show.

If Christian had gone on to win this match, I'd be more okay with it... but the Edge burial was just unnecessary. And yes, I acknowledge that the Orton/Christian match was amazing. In fact, I think it was the match of the night. It was great, and this comes from a guy who regularly can't stand Orton. However, with Edge's participation, it made the match look more like part of a burial. However, I feel Christian will be back soon. The fact he even beat Orton for the title is big, so I think Christian fans have nothing to fear for his future.

2. Nash returns, but pisses off IWC in the process

kevin nash is a dick Pictures, Images and Photos

I'm going to admit something that may piss off a few people... I'm a Kevin Nash fan. Been so since the day he beat Bob Backlund for the title in 5 seconds. I think he's funny, charismatic, and I don't think his matches are terrible (Least in his WWE-NWO days). So when he came back at the last Royal Rumble, I thought it was cool. When he signed a legends contract, I was also happy. I still think he should follow his calling, and become an announcer. He'd be great on commentary. But otherwise, I am happy that Nash is involved with WWE.

But I have to say... I was really surprised when he jumped out of the crowd and took out CM Punk. On one hand, I was happy to see him... but at the same time did it have to be at the expense of a promising young talent? I mean, isn't this what the IWC have been shitting on him for years?

Admittingly, least after Monday, I've had less of a problem with this new development. I actually really enjoyed the Punk/Nash segment on RAW. While I don't want to see CM Punk/Kevin Nash as a feud per say, I think this is the part of something bigger. This could be the start of a CM Punk vs WWE Management feud, which could make or break Punk. Imagine if Triple H brought more Kliq members to be his new "stooges". Heck maybe Punk has to bring in some ROH buddies to "even the score"? It has potential, which is why I'm forgiving it a bit. While hope is a dangerous thing to have in wrestling, I'll wait and see where this goes. But I'm still keeping it at number two, as it was the led in for....

1. Tie! Punk goes over Cena, but its due to BS; and Punk retains, but immediately loses the belt anyway.

Boy oh boy, where do I stat with this one?

So Cena vs. Punk, the biggest rematch of all time occurs. Pretty much the reason to buy this PPV, let's not kid ourselves. The match itself was badass, make no mistake these two were made for each other. They work well together, and seem to really bust their asses when they get to wrestle each other. If these two don't get a Wrestlemania Main Event together at some point, there is no justice.

However, its the end that killed this match for me. For one thing, and I know it was supposed to be a bad call by Hunter, but the match ended in what felt like the middle of it. It was just getting good, and all of a sudden, its over. That bothered me, but Punk going over like that pissed me off. After the comments Cena made on RAW the previous night about "If you don't win, you're officially a one hit wonder" I felt Punk needed a clean win here to cement his status as a top dog... which he didn't get. Yes Punk did win in the end, and a win is a win, but there should have been a clean finish. Cena said it best at the contract signing. "Win lose or draw, I'm still John Cena." In other words, his spot would not have been affected by a lcean loss. My opinion, at least.

On to point number 2. I never thought I'd get pissed off about seeing a Money in the Bank cash in. Let alone one done by Alberto Del Rio, a guy who I've been waiting forever to win the WWE Title. I love Del Rio! I think he's hysterical!... but did he have to beat Punk for the strap?

This one, I admit, very much biased on my part (What isn't?) but Punk should have been Champion a little longer. Punk is huge right now (try and buy one of his tie shirts if you don't believe me) and I would have let him hold onto the belt just a few more months. I felt that it was rushed, and its really lame if they gave the belt to Del Rio now because they wanted him to have the belt in time for the tour of Mexico. That pisses me off too! After delay after delay on Del Rio's title reign, that is the reason they finally pull the trigger?!

As of now though, it appears that they know what they have in Punk as he's about to feud with the McMahons. Will it be as awesome as Vince vs. Austin? Time will tell. Del Rio looks strong as champion, and is set to face Cena at the next PPV. Will Del Rio look strong then? Time will tell. The future is good for WWE, and in turn good for us... Hopefully, Summerslam was just the "Empire Strikes Back" portion of these storylines.

You know I also do a wrestling podcast? Itís called The Rundown Wrestling Review Show, where Adam, Sean, and myself go over the latest happenings in the world of wrestling. Check it out here, or download from the link below!

Download here: http://www.sendspace.com/file/8xdw8q

Also, follow us on Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/rundown-wrestling-review-show/id457748449#

Send Feedback to Malcolm Not in the Middle

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).